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The new Bonnie Tyler GPS sucks. It just keeps saying "Turn around," and every now and then it falls apart.
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Feb 15, 2013 18:32
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| # ? Jun 8, 2024 12:52 |
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My Dale Earnhardt one keeps listing the turns too early 
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Feb 15, 2013 18:34
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Senior Woodchuck posted:The new Bonnie Tyler GPS sucks. It just keeps saying "Turn around," and every now and then it falls apart. I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark (when it comes to directions).
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Feb 15, 2013 18:36
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Dickweasel Alpha posted:My Dale Earnhardt one keeps listing the turns too early You probably should have known something was up when it told you to turn right.
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Feb 15, 2013 18:54
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Fight Club Sandwich posted:I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark (when it comes to directions). Maybe you should change the lightbulb.
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Feb 16, 2013 21:03
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Apparently 2 melons of the same sex can't be married. They cantaloupe.
indoflaven has a new favorite as of 03:43 on Feb 17, 2013 |
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Feb 17, 2013 03:18
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indoflaven posted:They're not allowed to cantaloupe.
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Feb 17, 2013 03:25
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helopticor posted:Surely you mean "They cantaloupe.", right? Butchering jokes, it's what I do.
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Feb 17, 2013 03:44
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indoflaven posted:Butchering jokes, it's what I do. That does appear to be the meat of the problem, yes.
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Feb 17, 2013 04:43
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How nice of you to cleave through to the heart of the issue.
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Feb 17, 2013 04:51
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Here's one of my Dutch family's terrible Belgian jokes. Two Belgians are going for a job interview. The interviewer calls the first guy in, and sits him down. "Right," says the interviewer. "We're going to start with some health and safety questions. Supposing I were to poke out your left eye. What would happen?" The first Belgian thinks about this for a minute. "Erm... I wouldn't be able to see out of my left eye." "Correct. Okay, supposing I were to poke out your right eye. What would happen?" He thinks some more. "Uh... I wouldn't be able to see out of my RIGHT eye." "Good! And what if I were to poke out both your eyes?" Well, the Belgian guy thinks hard, and finally he says, "Why, I wouldn't be able to see at all!" "That's right! Well done, you're hired. Send in the next guy." The first guy goes out into the corridor and says to his friend, "Okay, here's the answers to all the questions. To the first question, you say, 'I wouldn't be able to see out of my left eye'. To the second question, you say 'I wouldn't be able to see out of my right eye', and to the third question, you say, 'I wouldn't be able to see at all'. Okay?" "Okay! Thank-you!" So the second Belgian goes in, and the interview begins. "Right," says the interviewer. "We're going to start with some health and safety questions. Supposing I were to cut off your left ear. What would happen?" The second Belgian happily recites, "I wouldn't be able to see out of my left eye." The interviewer's a bit puzzled, but he carries on. "Anyway... Supposing I were to cut off your RIGHT ear. What would happen?" And the Belgian answers, "I wouldn't be able to see out of my RIGHT eye." The interviewer's getting annoyed with him now, but still he asks, "And what if I were to cut off both your ears?" Barely as soon as he's finished the question, the Belgian guy answers, "I wouldn't be able to see at all!" Finally the interviewer snaps. He leaps up, throws down the question sheet and yells, "You stupid Belgian! You don't need ears to see!" The Belgian is stunned, and replies, "But they hold my spectacles up."
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Feb 17, 2013 04:51
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Jedit posted:How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Actually, it's two. One to paint the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with bananas.
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Feb 17, 2013 05:43
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Senior Woodchuck posted:The new Bonnie Tyler GPS sucks. It just keeps saying "Turn around," and every now and then it falls apart. I actually told this joke at a party last night and now some of my friends hate me
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Feb 17, 2013 18:37
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Came up with this one on the bus, I think the set up needs some work. Have you heard of that DIY hospital where discerning patrons can perform their own surgery? It's called "Suture Self."
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Feb 24, 2013 23:26
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Dodgeball posted:Came up with this one on the bus, I think the set up needs some work. The Capitol Steps had a song awhile back called 'You Can Suture Yourself at Home' http://www.artistdirect.com/nad/window/media/page/0,,199659-2778272,00.html
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Feb 24, 2013 23:53
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Recently I found a tumblr full of terrible jokes by kids, appropriately called "Bad Kids Jokes" While most of them are either poop jokes, nonsense, or just not jokes at all, every now and then you get something that's almost getting there. "a lady named lucy had a dog named boobs one day the dog ran away she went to the police man and said ”have you seen boobs” the man said ”no but i would like to”" 
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Feb 28, 2013 11:58
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A Kid posted:i appear once in a second, twice in a month and three times in a year, what am i 
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Feb 28, 2013 12:06
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quote:knock knock, I am absolutely going to tell this joke to my girlfriend.
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Feb 28, 2013 12:18
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I liked the joke Louis C.K.'s daughter told him... "Who wouldn't let the gorilla go to the ballet? - Just the people in charge of that decision."
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Feb 28, 2013 12:57
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"WY WHAS THE ROCK STARS NOT ALOUD IN THE PUB because they was banned frome the pub" ...beautiful.
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Feb 28, 2013 13:23
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My favourite one from a similar website was: Roses are red violets are red grass is red my lawn is on fire I liked it so much I had it be my Valentines facebook status. Truly the home of the best jokes.
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Feb 28, 2013 13:37
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Senior Woodchuck posted:The new Bonnie Tyler GPS sucks. It just keeps saying "Turn around," and every now and then it falls apart. Twenty minutes after reading this I'm still laughing hysterically and my FB status is full of likes. I don't know quite why this is so wonderful, but it is.
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Feb 28, 2013 14:23
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RillAkBea posted:Recently I found a tumblr full of terrible jokes by kids, appropriately called "Bad Kids Jokes" this is a goldmine: quote:HOW DOES A CELEBRITY POO? I especially love how celebrities apparently are animal-like its.
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Feb 28, 2013 15:47
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quote:LETS SEE WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
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Feb 28, 2013 16:35
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RillAkBea posted:Recently I found a tumblr full of terrible jokes by kids, appropriately called "Bad Kids Jokes" These are wonderful; most of these give me a koanesque "I'm sure there's something terribly profound here, if I could only understand it" feeling. There's also something about a lot that of them that reminds me of Archy. Sir I have a butt Sir we all have butts --- wot do you call a chiken that duz not got fethers a naked face --- mum; we can eat camels you know honey dad ; SHUT UP AND GET YOUR TURKEY SCIENCE BOOKS --- docter docter i have worms in my garden i dont care cant you see im busy you are doing youre nails.
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Feb 28, 2013 17:05
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quote:Why did the princess shave off all her hair ?
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Feb 28, 2013 17:24
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Three nuns go in for confession. The first nun goes into the booth and says to the priest, "Sister Margaret said she was kissed by a man. It stirred jealousy in my heart and so I have broken one of the Ten Commandments." The Priest says he is disturbed by the revelation about Sister Margaret and tells her to say 50 Hail Mary's. The second nun goes into the booth and says, "Sister Margaret said she performed oral sex on a man. Though it is sinful and against our oath to God I must admit it has caused lustful thoughts within me." The priest says he has heard other rumors about Sister Margaret's unacceptable behavior and that she will surely be disciplined. He also tells the nun to say 100 Hail Mary's and her sins of impure thought will be forgiven. The third nun goes in and says to the priest, "Sister Margaret said that she had intercourse with a man, and has become pregnant," and the priest says, "oh, gently caress". Mechafunkzilla has a new favorite as of 21:29 on Feb 28, 2013 |
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Feb 28, 2013 20:42
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Two of my favorite jokes, I don't know if they'll be much fun since English isn't my first language and I'm improvising a translation: One sperm to another, "hey, is it going to take long to reach the ovaries?". The other one replies, "indeed, we just passed the tonsils". A guy walks home with a pack of flavored condoms. "let's play a game" he suggests to the wife, "I'll put one on and you'll go down and guess the taste!". The wife cheerfully agrees. He then chooses a condom and turns off the lights. "CHEDDAR!" shouts the wife, to which the guy replies "wait, I haven't put it on yet!"
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Feb 28, 2013 23:15
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I tell this one all the time: Did you hear about the guy who was missing an eye? He was giving a presentation to a crowded hall, when halfway through, he contracted the HIV virus through his eye socket. He had visual AIDS.
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Mar 1, 2013 04:18
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This one from that kid joke tumblr is actually good! "I was playing a game with my brother and he got sent to jail and he wiped his poo on the wall so we never played monoply again"
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Mar 1, 2013 04:48
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Why did Superman attach a clock to a razor? He wanted to shave the day!
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Mar 1, 2013 05:00
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Do you know why my grandfather wore RED suspenders? To keep his pants up. You have to emphasize the RED part. Always funny to me because my grandfather used to tell this joke all the time, and he did wear red suspenders.
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Mar 1, 2013 07:09
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This site is making me laugh harder than anything. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BALD MAN WITH A BUTT HEADED FACE? The answer is butt man Not from that site, but a kid joke that's stuck with me for years: What did the meatball say to the spoon? GIVE ME BACK MY FACE Buh has a new favorite as of 10:12 on Mar 1, 2013 |
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Mar 1, 2013 09:54
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Bad Kids Jokes posted:there was two fish in a tank and one of the fish said 
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Mar 2, 2013 17:24
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quote:it was a dark and creepy night there was a black and white figure in the forest quote:KNOCK KNOCK I loving love those kids jokes. Quandary has a new favorite as of 00:03 on Mar 3, 2013 |
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Mar 3, 2013 00:00
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I just saw this on facebook and it had me out laughing. A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I should hope not ma'am, it's only 2130 now."
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Mar 3, 2013 05:06
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Cippalippus posted:Two of my favorite jokes, I don't know if they'll be much fun since English isn't my first language and I'm improvising a translation: Much fun indeed! You translated well and I like them both.
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Mar 3, 2013 17:49
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Bad Kids Jokes posted:A New Tong I love how this one contains four different punchlines, each one more nonsensical than the last. Bad Kids Jokes posted:Three Babies A kid's attempt at a Latvian joke? Malaleb has a new favorite as of 00:54 on Mar 4, 2013 |
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Mar 4, 2013 00:52
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Those kids really get a kick out of fecal matter. This was my fave:quote:what did the floor say to the chair
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Mar 4, 2013 01:20
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Bad Kids Jokes posted:knock knock This is it. This is the best kids joke. If this alone doesn't convince me that I want children of my own, I don't know what will.
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Mar 4, 2013 03:14
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