Bertrand Hustle posted:

Lives in Kenya for 23 years and speaks Black English?

The writer of that poo poo has never even met an actual African, have they?

dijon du jour posted:

The best part of the story is how apparently everyone became so entranced by this jive-talkin' genius-electrician security guard that they all just forget about the kid who has burning-hot metal embedded in his hands.

The White Dragon posted:

Somewhere, a confused mother is posting on a parenting help forum asking about how to deal with her thirty-year-old son joining a cult.

Bertrand Hustle posted:

Lives in Kenya for 23 years and speaks Black English?

The writer of that poo poo has never even met an actual African, have they?

dijon du jour posted:

The best part of the story is how apparently everyone became so entranced by this jive-talkin' genius-electrician security guard that they all just forget about the kid who has burning-hot metal embedded in his hands.

quote:

I'm gay and out of the closet. I have a nemesis, however. She's incredibly religious and lives on my floor. Apart from her belief in an imaginary friend, she has the personality and IQ of a wet tea bag. Last week we shared an elevator to our floor together, where she turned to me and said, simply, "Fags will burn in hell". The joke is on her. I've been the only one having sex with her equally "god fearing" Christian boyfriend for the past year.

Bohemian Medicine posted:

(I work as a receptionist in a doctor’s office. There are about 10 people who have been waiting for at least 90 minutes. It’s very quiet. A young man mumbles something. Some people look his way, but other than that no one pays much attention to him. He then starts singing, a little louder…)

Young Man: “Put a gun against his head…”

(Some people chuckle.)

Young Man: “Pulled my trigger…”

(The young woman sitting across from him joins in.)

Young Woman: “…now he’s dead.”

Old Man: “Mama, life had just begun…”

Young man: “But now I’ve gone and thrown it all awaaaay…”

All Three: “Mama, oooooooh! Didn’t mean to make you cry!”

Teenage Girl: “If I’m not back again this time tomorrow…”

All: “…carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters!”

(By now, everyone in the waiting room has joined in.)

All: “Too late, my time has come! Send shivers down my spine, body’s achin’ all the time!”

(They finish the refrain just as the doctor calls his next patient. Needless to say, that little impromptu performance really brightened my day!)

quote:

(My girlfriend and I are at a friends shop looking for new training pads for her. She is a 5′ tall blond, who weighs 95 lbs. I am 6’1″ and 175 lbs, and the owner is about 6’4″ and 200 lbs. All of us have done different forms of martial arts for over 20 combined years. I am making small talk with the owner by the register, while my girlfriend is looking at more pads.)

Customer: “Hey, where are your training pads?”

Owner: “Just past the speed bags, on the right.”

(About a minute later, we hear a small crash, followed by arguing. We rush over to find the man trying to grab the pads from my girlfriend.)

Customer: “You stupid b****; give me those!”

(He finally manages to pull them out of her hand.)

Girlfriend: “H*** no, I got them first; give them back!”

Customer: “You don’t even need them. I have a fight in two weeks!”

Girlfriend: “Then you should have thought about that sooner!”

(The customer finally notices us; he turns to the owner.)

Customer: “Hey, I need to pay for these pads.”

Owner: “No, she had them first. You need to give them back to her.”

Customer: “No, she is just a dumb b**** who need to learn her place. Get me your manager.”

Owner: “I am the owner here, and I’m going to insist you give the pads back to the young lady and leave.”

Customer: “I need these pads! Who’s going to make me?”

(My girlfriend is fuming, and it is pretty obvious. I cut in.)

Me: “Just give her the pads back, man.”

Customer: “What are you going to do?”

Me: “Nothing, but she will.”

(I point to my girlfriend; the customer laughs.)

Customer: “That puny b**** couldn’t if she wanted to!”

Girlfriend: “Just give them back you a**-hole!

Customer: “You going to make me?”

(My girlfriend kicks the man’s legs out from under him, grabs his arm, and puts it in a hold.)

Customer: “Ow! You stupid b****; let go of me!”

(She holds him down for a few minutes, until he starts to calm down.)

Girlfriend: “Now, are you going to shut up?”

Customer: *meekly* “…yes.”

(She lets the man up, and he scampers out. My girlfriend then turns to the owner, and talks like nothing happened.)

Girlfriend: “Okay, I think I’m all ready.”

(Two weeks later, my gym had an exhibition with another gym. Guess who was my opponent?)

quote:

(I am originally from Georgia, but am attending university in DC. Because of where I was raised, I have a noticeable southern accent. I work at a local sports bar to help pay my tuition, and am serving two young men.)

Me: “Hi, can I get y’all something to drink?”

(Customer #1 scoffs, and imitates me with an exaggerated accent.)

Customer #1: “Yawwwwlll?”

Customer #2: “If I wanted to star in Deliverance, I would’ve gone to Alabama!”

Customer #1: “Man, I’m sick of you hicks coming up here! You guys should all stay south of the Mason-Dixon line!”

Me: “Actually, sir, geographically, DC is south of the Mason-Dixon.”

Customer #1: “What do you know? You probably dropped out of high school and married your baby mama at 16!”

Me: “Actually, I graduated as valedictorian from my high school, and I currently study history at [prestigious university]. I’m getting my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees at the same time, and have a 4.0 GPA. I’m also gay, and have a long term boyfriend. So, no, I didn’t marry my ‘baby mama’.”

(Both customers are speechless.)

Me: “Now that I’m done breaking your archaic stereotypes, can I get y’all anything to drink?”

quote:

Customer: “You’re an atheist! No wonder you won’t just cut my f***ing meat! You were sent here by Satan himself to stop me! You’re just like Hitler or Saddam Hussein! Call your manager over here right now, so I can tell him there are demons casting spells over his meat!”

quote:

Me: “If you’re worried about foreigners coming to America and stealing your livelihood and culture, you can take your complaints down to the nearest Native American reserve, where they will be more than happy to sympathise.”

Customer #2: “How dare you?! You think you can come over here and disrespect the American people like that!”

Customer #1: “We want the manager here now! I’ll have you fired and deported back to your own dirty country!”

[...}

Customer #3: “On behalf of the United States Of America, I just wanna apologise for the way those two morons just treated you. I been a citizen here for 78 years, an’ I ain’t never let nobody tell me howta treat people. I served alongside a British guy in a the last war and I never had a problem wi’ him. Far from it.”

Customer #3: “Woulda married him too if people like that wouldn’t make such a fuss about it.”

quote:

Woman: “I am amazed you talked to him like that. He looked like he could have snapped you in half!”

Me: “At some point, you just get tired of some people. Let’s finish you up here.”

(Later that week, I got a commendation from Head Office, star service award. I was nominated by the woman I served that night.)

quote:

Caller: “Just tell me about the guarantee! Guarantee: Latin for get your money back!”

Me: “Latinate.”

Caller: “Pardon me?”

Me: “It’s Latinate, not Latin. We acquired it from the French. Probably Parisian French but I’m not sure in that. Warranty actually comes from the same word, but Norman French has the W sound and other types of French don’t usually. Probably because the Normans were a bunch of Norse Viking types the French gave some land to in order not to be pillaged. The Normans invaded and conquered England and tried to obliterate the English language but only managed to get a bunch of words added. When the English invaded and conquered France a couple of hundred years later, they got the Parisian version of the word with the GU sound. This is why warranty has a more official and stronger meaning than guarantee.”

Caller: “Uh…”

Me: “Now, I have a specific script the client requires us to read about the guarantee. It is important that I read precisely the words they chose without interpretation. To get to that script, I need to process the first screen as if I am taking an order. I am not allowed to read from memory. If you choose not to order, then I just cancel it out and there is no order placed. Can I get your information now, sir?”

Caller: *much calmer* “All right…”

headcas3 posted:

[prestigious university]

This shits me so much in the stdh stories. I really don't see the point of it apart from writer too dumb/lazy to google it for their stdh... Sure I'll take time to note everyone's weight, height & sexual preference but I couldn't possibly tell you an actual detail like a [prestigious university] name or a [fruit drink] name.

Len posted:

I still assume that happens in the post submission edit. The site owners read and cleanup submissions so they most likely edit out name brands and such.

Fathis Munk posted:

“On behalf of the United States Of America, I just wanna apologise for the way those two morons just treated you. I been a citizen here for 78 years, an’ I ain’t never let nobody tell me howta treat people. I served alongside a British guy in a the last war and I never had a problem wi’ him. Far from it.”

Fathis Munk posted:

I love how he has to give his and the owner's size and weight. It has nothing at all to do with the story but well. I guess he wants to boast with it ? I have no clue what that is in actual units.

hyperhazard posted:

I have no idea what accent this is supposed to be. 1930s Mafioso?

Len posted:

I still assume that happens in the post submission edit. The site owners read and cleanup submissions so they most likely edit out name brands and such.

Ray Comfort posted:

How to share the Gospel with homosexuals
After we took off I couldn’t help but notice that her friend kept kissing her on the cheek, holding her hand and rubbing her shoulder. They were “gay,” and that little revelation lifted my planned witnessing encounter up a big notch on the awkward meter. I really didn’t want an angry homosexual couple complaining to the airline (and the media) that I was a homophobic fundamentalist, imposing my “hate speech” by saying that they were going to hell because they were gay.

I waited until she had eaten, finished her movie, and simply said, “Sarah. I have a question for you. Do you think there’s an afterlife?”

She wasn’t sure, so I asked, “If heaven exists, are you going there? Are you a good person?”

She predictably said she was, so I took her through three of the Ten Commandments – had she lied, stolen and taken God’s name in vain? She had broken all three, so we then looked at whether or not she would be guilty on Judgment Day and whether she would go to heaven or hell. I then shared the cross and the necessity for repentance and faith in Jesus.

I didn’t mention her sexual orientation; I didn’t need to, nor did I want to. I simply shared the moral law (the Ten Commandments), because the Bible says that the law was “made” for homosexuals – see 1 Timothy 1:8-10. She wasn’t offended, and I kept her friendship and stayed out of jail.

pathetic little tramp posted:

http://www.wnd.com/2013/05/how-to-share-the-gospel-with-homosexuals/?cat_orig=faith

Evangelism stories are a rich vein of stdh:


That's pretty much how I got saved, some dude came up to me in a public place where I couldn't get away from him and asked if I had ever lied, and since I had never heard about Jesus before or lying before I was instantly converted into a hardline southern baptist, praise Jesus.

Fathis Munk posted:

Flaggy posted:

Why is it when there is a story about martial arts on the internet that is obviously stdh, it always involves 20+ years of martial arts training? Couldn't they say 5-10 to make it less stdh?

Len posted:

I still assume that happens in the post submission edit. The site owners read and cleanup submissions so they most likely edit out name brands and such.

psychology today posted:

When I was at one law firm, I was assigned to work for a senior associate named Jane. I was based in one of the firm's satellite offices, so I saw her once every few weeks. In law firms, you are supposed to treat your senior associate as if she is the ultimate authority, and Jane took this hierarchy seriously. You could tell that she never enjoyed such power in any other social sphere. Her pale skin mottled with age, poor diet, and middling hygiene was evidence of a lifetime spent outside the social elite.

I was not her best associate, and Jane believed that I was undeserving of all that I had accomplished. She put much effort into dressing appropriately, while I wore flip-flops and T-shirts at every semi-reasonable opportunity. While she billed as many hours as humanly possible, I exploited the nonexistent vacation policy by taking three-day weekends and weeks-long holidays.

One day we got into the elevator together. There were two tall, handsome men already inside. They both worked at the venture capital firm in the building. You could tell that they received multimillion dollar bonuses and likely arrived in one of the Maseratis regularly parked downstairs. The men were discussing the symphony that they had attended the night before—I also had attended it, though I didn't normally go to the symphony. I casually asked them about it.

They lit up. "So lucky to have met you! Perhaps you can settle a disagreement; my friend thinks that it was Rachmaninoff's second piano concerto that was performed last night, but I think it was his third." "It was his second." It hardly mattered what the right answer was.

The men thanked me and left the elevator, leaving Jane and me to travel to her office in enough silence for her to contemplate the dimensions of my intellectual and social superiority. She was jittery by the time we got to her office where we were supposed to talk about our work project. Instead, we talked about her life choices from the age of 18, her worries and insecurities about her job and her body, her attraction to women despite her being engaged to a man.

After that, I knew that whenever she saw me, her heart would flutter; she would worry about the secret vulnerabilities she had exposed to me, and she would wonder what it would be like to undress me or to slap me across the face. I know that for a long time I haunted her dreams. Power is its own reward, but with this particular dynamic established, I leveraged a brief cancer scare and outpatient procedure into a three-week paid vacation—another form of reward.

ravenkult posted:

This made me irrationally angry and I wanted to share.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/confessions-sociopath


Yeah you totally showed her by answering a question some guys asked in an elevator. I bet she had nightmares about that for years.

Also, who wears flip flops to a law firm?

ravenkult posted:

This made me irrationally angry and I wanted to share.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/confessions-sociopath


Yeah you totally showed her by answering a question some guys asked in an elevator. I bet she had nightmares about that for years.

Also, who wears flip flops to a law firm?

ravenkult posted:

This made me irrationally angry and I wanted to share.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/confessions-sociopath


Yeah you totally showed her by answering a question some guys asked in an elevator. I bet she had nightmares about that for years.

Also, who wears flip flops to a law firm?

ravenkult posted:

This made me irrationally angry and I wanted to share.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/confessions-sociopath


Yeah you totally showed her by answering a question some guys asked in an elevator. I bet she had nightmares about that for years.

Also, who wears flip flops to a law firm?

Aleph Null posted:

He seems to get far too much satisfaction out of the encounter to be what I thought of as a sociopath.

Also, is "Psychology Today" the "Discover Magazine" of social sciences?

Aleph Null posted:

Also, is "Psychology Today" the "Discover Magazine" of social sciences?

ravenkult posted:

This made me irrationally angry and I wanted to share.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/confessions-sociopath


Yeah you totally showed her by answering a question some guys asked in an elevator. I bet she had nightmares about that for years.

Also, who wears flip flops to a law firm?

quote:

(I am a customer checking out at a grocery store I shop at every week. There is one customer ahead of me. Paper and plastic bags are 5 cents each.)

Cashier: “Would you like a bag for your items, sir?”

Customer: *unintelligible grunt*

Cashier: “I beg your pardon, sir?”

Customer: *grunts again and waves*

(The cashier starts to put the groceries in a plastic bag.)

Customer: “What?! What the h*** do you think you’re doing?! I said no!

(He starts into a loud, abusive tirade about how stupid the cashier is.)

Me: *to the cashier* “Just tell him ‘Pogue Mahone’ (póg mo thóin). It’s an Irish saying that people say when they want to end an argument.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! I know exactly what it means! I read notalwaysright.com!”

Me: *smirks* “Do you really?”

Customer: “Yes! Yes, I do, you stupid b****!”

Me: “Oh? Then why are you acting like a customer who belongs on there?”

(The customer turns bright red and shuts up. He is silent for the rest of his transaction. As he is getting ready to leave, he turns to me.)

Customer: “Any chance this can stay just between us?”

Me: *grins and laughs* “Not a chance in h***!”

Customer: *scowls* “B****!”

(He finally leaves.)

Cashier: “This is going on notalwaysright.com, isn’t it?”

Me: *still grinning* “You bet!”

(She ended up convincing her manager to give me an employee discount on my groceries because I got one of the rudest regulars to shut his mouth.)

quote:

A while ago, I sent this to a guy I had just met, we're getting married this time next year.

quote:

Not getting hurt. I rolled a car for over 200 feet on all three axis' once. Walked away with a small scratch on my face. This wasn't a "crumple zone" safety car either. It was a 74 Ford Fairmont. Also two motorcycle crashes and a few unexpected explosions. Never had a broken bone, and the only time I've ever needed stitches was when I was a kid (bungee cord accident to the mouth) I'm also usually the first to do things that look like they'll get you hurt. I just don't have that "this might end up bad" thought in the back of my mind. In other words, I was born to say "Hold my beer!"
Tl;Dr, Guardian angel has white hair, a failing liver, and smokes two packs a day.

quote:

Carrying on a conversation. I find it pretty easy to create a good-flowing conversation with complete strangers or close friends and I'm pretty good at it. It seems that a lot of people lack this skill.

quote:

Being Silent.
I perfected it in Tech Theatre, and use it everyday now. I sneak up on people without realizing it.
Sometimes I have to remind myself to make sound while walking, because it makes certain people mad.

quote:

Fencing. So random. I went with my old roommate and completely destroyed her even though she's been practicing for ever and actually has won trophies. I was so dam smug she couldn't stand it.

Leercore posted:

This troperrecently (A few weeks ago) got into a....little fight with his longtime nemesis, last day of (high)school, he may not be coming(droping out, my nemesis, not me) back, revenge bluh bluh merger childish things. He decides to come at me with a meter stick with a rather intimidating war cry. I merely tilt my head ever so slightly and plunk, it hits the wall behind my head, visibly dumbfounded he then attempts to slash me. Big mistake, my headphones got unplugged from my Ipod touch, and my favorite song was just beginning. Nightwish's song she is my sin and so begins my epic battle, he keeps slashing and lunging at me all while I dodge his blows and strokes. He attempts another headshot but I deftly grabbed it from him, he fell face first onto the floor, then I said one of my favorite badass boasts almost immediately afterword "On your knees...I want you to beg for forgiveness." my class's resident Video game gerd (Her own word she made, a combination of geek and nerd, she calls herself this all the time) said almost YELLING "Holy poo poo dude! That was awesome!" unfortunately his Girlfriend didnt think so, and tossed him the other meter stick and said "Kick that little snot into next year!"(Even though im taller then him he's like 5'4 im 5'7) and we exchanged blows which was eerily similar to aboved mentioned Final Fantasy movie, I then disarmed him and then said, "I hold no ill will, nor is this a personal matter, but thanks for the workout non-the less." He simply bowed his head in shame, his girlfriend having pure spasms of RAGE, chiding him that he couldn't beat a video game playing ultimate geek face(highly immature for a 16 year old girl I know), but I couldn't here them over the applause I was getting from the other geeks and my fellow peers, my teacher ( a substitute) woke up from her nap and simply said "what did I miss?" we all (except for my nemesis and his GF) begun laughing uncontrollably for a few minutes. I deadpanned afterwords "Nothing at all ma'am, just having some fun, listening to music, drawing, epic one sided battles..." She shrugged and went back to sleep.

Fathis Munk posted:

Man, I took a look at that psychology website and even with a quick glance, 50% of the front page content seems to talk about sex or a variation thereupon.

GWBBQ posted:

Well, you know what they say about psychology.

Fathis Munk posted:

I'm currently reading through the whole beginning of the thread and I feel that this one just deserves to be re-posted for all those that may not have :

cptn_dr posted:

Man, that kid... is inhuman.

quote:

This troper took a few levels when, after years of being a Woobie so pitiful Shinji would say what the heck is wrong with you, I had enough of a girl I liked always going for this tall, blond guy. When they were talking right in front of me in the street and holding arms and talking and all that, I said, "Shut. The. Hell. Up." The boy looks around and walks over, trying to look menacing. Martial arts studies come in. I take a punch to the forehead and then slide under and punch him in the stomach, he goes backwards and I land another one to his face. I then go berserk and full body tackle him. He managed to crawl away, and say, "That kid...is inhuman!"

Fathis Munk posted:

Ugh. I'm not very knowledgeable in that field, but from what I heard a lot of his stuff has actually been questioned ? Even though apparently a lot of people are still fan of his theories I guess.

Fathis Munk posted:

Ugh. I'm not very knowledgeable in that field, but from what I heard a lot of his stuff has actually been questioned ? Even though apparently a lot of people are still fan of his theories I guess.

Fathis Munk posted:

Man, I took a look at that psychology website and even with a quick glance, 50% of the front page content seems to talk about sex or a variation thereupon.


STDH referencing other STDH. Takin' it to the next dimension !

From reddit :


"Reddit, what are you weirdly good at ?"


(He then proceeds to give advice. A lot of it.)



I'm currently reading through the whole beginning of the thread and I feel that this one just deserves to be re-posted for all those that may not have :