MindlessHavok posted:

I like that the advice was "hit it hard to right". Not actual advice like shift your weight to your back leg or shorten your swing. Just "hit it to right!" and Barry, one of the best hitters of all time was all "Oh golly why didn't I think of that "

quote:

Just got my haircut from a lady, and I've never seen someone judge another person so quickly.
Just to give you background on me, I'm 25, I graduated from college a few years back with a degree in Computer Engineering. I have a great job, I make a good deal of money, and I got out of a messy relationship about 18 months ago. Since then, while I've been on a few dates, I really don't have any desire for any of that right now.
So she's cutting my hair, asking me what I do, blah blah blah. I tell her I "work with computers", that I graduated a few years ago, and that I enjoy playing video games with friends. She asked me if I was married, I said no. She asked how I planned on having kids if I wasn't married. I told her kids really aren't my thing, and I'll probably never end up having them.
She immediately stopped cutting my hair, looked at me (through the mirror), and said "I can't believe you've wasted so much of your life, and you're going to waste even more of it."
GOD drat LADY. I make twice as much as you do in a year, I don't have any unnecessary debt, I have the freedom to travel and be with friends, and yet all you can think about is how I don't want to have kids?
What a joke.
The rest of that haircut was pretty awkward...

JoeyJoJoJr Shabadoo posted:

Reddit's /r/childfree is a goldmine of STDH. Its usually things like "these kids were yelling in a restaurant and I went up to them and started screaming in their face, and mom was too shocked and left the restaurant "

Here's a recent one:


It's fine not to want kids, and it's true that sometimes family and coworkers will really press you on "why don't you have kids~~~", but I sincerely doubt some random stranger is going to tell you you're wasting your life. Especially a hair dresser, who relies on tips and repeat customers.

Linear Ouroboros posted:

I thought more if people who have strokes and forget they have a right or a left unless they are reminded of it. "right? Oh yeah I have a right! Thanks man!"

Jimson posted:

Had a professor at community college who insisted we called him teacher. In his defense he said he taught highschool for 30 years and just didn't like the way professor sounded

hyperhazard posted:

Barry Bonds was up at bat and struck out twice. Things were looking grim for the Pirates. Using the years of baseball knowledge he'd amassed, the guy leaned over the rail and shouted "Barry, hit it hard to the right!" Bonds looked at him and smiled, and when the next pitch came, he hit a home run.

skip. posted:

It Came From Tumblr

NoUU posted:

wilderthanmild posted:

Do you have a link to the source for that top one? I wanna read the 90 comments to see if they called him out or circlejerked.

Flaggy posted:

She thought of that line as soon as she got back to her car.

NoUU posted:

NAR posted:

(I’m a fairly petite, young looking woman, who grew up with three brothers, and a single father. I’m one of the better employees for plumbing help, because my dad made me learn.)

Me: “Welcome to [store]; what’s the project today?”

Customer: “My toilet leaks; I need one of your guys to help.”

Me: “Let’s head to plumbing. Where is the leak from?”

Customer: “I want one of the guys, and not some idiot girl.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll radio one of them.”

(A coworker responds, and I turn the customer over and go back to restocking. A few minutes later, the customer storms up.)

Customer: “This is the stupidest hardware store! Where’s your manager?”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry; what’s the problem?”

Customer: “I want your manager!”

Me: “They’ll be in tomorrow morning.”

(The customer stomps out. The next day, I’m in plumbing. I am helping one of our regular contractors, when yesterday’s cranky customer returns.)

Customer: “I want your manager!”

(The cashier radio calls them, and the owner actually responds first.)

Owner: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “You have idiots working here! They can’t help in plumbing!”

(The owner gestures to me.)

Owner: “Sir, she is one of our plumbing experts, and was on last night.”

Customer: “I know that no idiot girl can help!”

(The contractor walks up.)

Contractor: “Watch your mouth! She is the best help you can get without calling a professional!”

Customer: “NO! Girls should be cashiers, and flirt with customers!”

Owner: “Sir, you’ll have to leave.”

Customer: “You can’t make me!”

Me: “Sir. I have two police officer brothers, a correctional officer father, a jujitsu trainer brother, and my martial arts training. You are leaving. By your choice or by force.”

(For a few moments, the customer contemplates if it’s worth the fight, but ultimately decides against it.)

Contractor: “Man, you ruin all my fun by giving him a choice!”

Owner: “Don’t encourage her. She isn’t in the gym, so she can’t go dislocating elbows here.”

Contractor: “Now both of you are ruining my fun!” *leaves*

RabbitWizard posted:

"two police officer brothers, a correctional officer father, a jujitsu trainer brother, and my martial arts training.”

quote:

NAR posted: I’m a fairly petite, young looking woman, who grew up with three brothers, and a single father. I’m one of the better employees for plumbing help, because my dad made me learn.

RabbitWizard posted:

"NO! Girls should be cashiers, and flirt with customers!"

"two police officer brothers, a correctional officer father, a jujitsu trainer brother, and my martial arts training.”


I think all this poo poo doesnt happen because you can win a FREE T-SHIRT if you submit the most ridiculous poo poo.

RabbitWizard posted:

Contractor: “Now both of you are ruining my fun!” *leaves*

Marley Wants More posted:

Oh, and the poo poo that actually happened was:

Customer: "I need help with plumbing"
Girl: "I can help you, Sir"
Cusstomer: (Looking slightly surprised for a moment) "Oh! Okay, what I need is..."

JoeyJoJoJr Shabadoo posted:

I've legitimately had customers tell me (and other female employees) "I want to speak with a man!"

But since it's retail, we always had to say, in a friendly voice, "oh sure! Let me get one for you!" because, you know, the customer is always right. The manager, also, would never ask the customer to leave unless s/he was seriously threatening violence. And seriously, an employee threatening to beat some customer's rear end?

This is just so loving stupid and non-believable.

oldpainless posted:

Does anyone have the story about the guy and girl having a conversation but its filled with puns from the names of classical music composers? Thanks.

Roro posted:

Speaking of music...

quote:

Compose Yourself
Train Station | CA, USA | Dating, Themed Giveaway

(My boyfriend and I are classical music geeks. He has been waiting for me at the train station, while I use the bathroom.)

Me: “Hey, I’m Bach!”

Boyfriend: “What took you so long? Were you Haydn or something?”

Me: “Nope. That was a nice restroom, though it could’ve been an art gallery. It had the Mozart I’ve ever seen!”

(We get on the train.)

Me: “So, when we get there, we have to go Chopin.”

Boyfriend: “Did you remember the Liszt?”

Me: “Yes, I did. We need to get groceries for next Wieck.”

Boyfriend: “I did make root vegetables. Right before we left I put the Beet(in)hoven.”

Me: “You seem as confused as I am. I’m even not sure when our stop is. I am having treble reading this map.”

Boyfriend: “We should have taken the Ludwig van.”

Me: “Yes, we should have. So, how’s life?”

Boyfriend: “Godunov. Yours?”

Me: “I’ve been under a lot of Strauss lately.”

Boyfriend: “Oh?”

Me: “Yeah, at [school I teach at], it’s hard to be one of the staff.”

Boyfriend: “We should probably stop Messiahing around.”

Me: “Vivaldi puns, we’re going to knock someone over.”

Boyfriend: “I guess we just can’t Handel the puns.”

Me: “By the time we get off the train, we’ll have Baroquen something!”

(We get off the train, and I turn around to watch it go.)

Me: “Oh, my God! Look!”

(There is an ad on the side of the train. It reads ‘classical music radio station is Bach!’.)

Boyfriend: “No way! It’s right next to where we were standing!”

Me: “It must have been Rubinoff on us!”

Half of these would probably only work as written words.

jalopybrown posted:

The contractor is so disappointed by the lack of bloodshed he just fucks off without getting any materials or ordering anything.

quote:

Sorry, I've been working a triple shift and just got around to checking this thread again, so I suppose I owe ya'll a story.

A rather disheveled, morbidly obese and malodorous female in her 50's presented to the emergency department for abdominal pain one slow night. Now, abdominal pain is one of the worst complaints an ED sees because it can be so hard to work up. You've basically got to do a battery of tests including comprehensive blood work with cardiac markers, a 12 lead EKG, and x-ray/CT scans. It's among the most expensive workups done simply because abdominal pain can have so many different causes that are potentially life threatening.

After she was triaged, had an IV started with blood drawn, and her EKG done, she went to get her CT. When a patient has a CT scan, the radiology tech and the person transporting the patient stand in a side room so they don't get the massive dose of radiation that CT scans require. The side benefit of this is you can watch the screen in real-time as the scan is performed and get an idea of what's going on. Normally, a radiologist views the scan and gives the physician a report detailing the findings.

There was no need to wait.

The technician had a complete look of disbelief on his face. There was a small skeleton of... something... clearly lodged in her rectum, along with abundant free abdominal fluid and other findings too technical to go into here. Clearly, this woman was not pregnant, as she was post-menopausal and had said she had a hysterectomy, but, well, stranger things have happened. The question had to be asked, however.

"Oh yes" she said, "an angel came to me and told me I was to bear the child of THE LORD!" This last part was shouted so loudly that other staff members and the physician came into the room. Slow night, after all, so they had nothing better to do and this sounded interesting.

Perhaps the angel's name was Colonel Sanders?

Once she had an audience, she didn't need any prompting. "I've been having some trouble with the baby. It kept coming out and I almost delivered it early, but I prayed to THE LORD and GOD ALMIGHTY spoke to me! And lo..." Yes, she actually said the word "lo" with the dramatic pause and all, "THE LORD answered my prayers and told me how to save HIS child. I'm worried, though, that something's wrong because it hurts so much."

This last part was said in a low whisper, as if the very thought that she was in pain was blasphemous.

The physician quickly realized where this was heading and had slowly and steadily retreated from the room. He'd almost made his escape when one of the nurses in the room, a particularly grizzled and salty RN with years of experience in a county trauma facility, spoke up with a smile of glee on her face.

"OK, ma'am" she said as she turned to the doctor who was already a pale shade of green, barely suppressing a fit of laughter, "we're going to need to take a look to see how the baby is doing." Everyone stepped outside while she undressed herself as the unmistakable odor of putrid, unwashed flesh wafted out of the room. Notes of a brewery - or perhaps baked bread - accompanied it. A sure sign of a good infection and a harbinger of what was to come.

No one was eager to re-enter the room save the veteran nurse who charged back inside, the rest of the staff who hadn't already fled from the smell reluctantly following her. Now, when a vaginal or rectal exam needs to be performed on a morbidly obese patient, you frequently need one staff member to lift up the large folds of fat on each leg so the physician can visualize the appropriate area. As the fat was retracted, there was an audible gasp in the room as a large amount of green fluid and chunks of... something worse... leaked from somewhere in the vicinity of the anus.

As the fluid pooled around her, strands of something that might once have been white were poking out from somewhere deep inside that gaping maw. No language yet conceived can describe the smell that filled the room. To his eternal credit, the physician had somehow kept his dinner down as he began to... probe.

He asked for a pair of surgical scissors to snip the threads of floss that were clearly holding back some lovecraftian horror. What came next is difficult to put into words.

There was a loud "GLOOOORRRRRP" from somewhere deep inside as the dam burst and the patient screamed "OH LORD JESUS YOUR SON IS BORN!" What came out could have been the messiah, perhaps, but instead it was more akin to Farmer's Pride.

The decaying remains of a canned chicken, purulent pus, and several days worth of feces was born into this world in a violent surge of something Satan might serve you as a pre-flight cocktail on your trip to Hell. The physician vomited.

To this day, no one knows how she did it, but that goddamned grizzled nurse gathered the remains of the poor bird and strode out of the room shouting "It's a boy!"

Guess what we'd all had for lunch?

Fried chicken.

RabbitWizard posted:

"NO! Girls should be cashiers, and flirt with customers!"

"two police officer brothers, a correctional officer father, a jujitsu trainer brother, and my martial arts training.”


I think all this poo poo doesnt happen because you can win a FREE T-SHIRT if you submit the most ridiculous poo poo.

Noreaus posted:

Yup, that "grizzled nurse" just picked up the poo poo-covered chicken pieces and strode out of the room with it in order to make that joke. Yup.

quote:

I wanted to hit on this girl at a bar, when I approached her I just looked into her eyes without saying anything and than I licked her shoulder. She freaked the gently caress out and slapped me out of instinct and than felt bad about it. we ended up having sex.

CJacobs posted:

Wow, not only does Rashaverak not know how the ER works, he doesn't know how real life people work either!

reddit posted:

Usually this doesn't bother me, and in my area of town it's kind of common for people to hold doors for eachother and things like that - we're polite like that.
But one time, I held the door for a couple coming out of a restaurant. They were already heading out that door when I started to open it. Now, there were two doors. Their party of like 40 continued to pour out through the single door, between me and the other door so I couldn't just abandon it and walk through.
Not a single person nodded, looked at me, said thank you, anything. And they congregated right outside the door to talk. They didn't disperse, they were blocking the other door at this point, even. Finally the last one comes out, I let the door close and clear my throat loudly. A couple nearby turn. I shout "Hey!" they alllll turn and look at me. I hold up both hands, extend both middle fingers, and shout "You're all a bunch of ungrateful assholes. Not even a thank you?" then walked in. The GM of the store thought I was about ready to kill someone, apparently, asked if I was ok, if he could get me a drink. He knew me and had never seen me angry before (it's rare that I get angry).

Noreaus posted:

From the EMS stories thread in GBS. When asked to elaborate on "I once had a patient that sewed a canned chicken into her rectum", goon Rashaverak came up with this:


Yup, that "grizzled nurse" just picked up the poo poo-covered chicken pieces and strode out of the room with it in order to make that joke. Yup.

Silly Hippie posted:

I'm sure the first part happened. I'm less sure the manager of the restaurant which magically transformed into a store halfway through offered you a free drink for cursing at and flipping off customers.

DrHerpington posted:

"My parents left town for the weekend. These are the instructions they left for the teenage girls who are watching their dog. "