shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: Don't keep talking to me in that fancy cashier talk lady!

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Marley Wants More: Oct 22, 2005; woof

hosed up. Fixed below.

Marley Wants More has a new favorite as of 20:15 on Jul 26, 2013

# ? Jul 26, 2013 20:13

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# ? Jun 8, 2024 20:42

Marley Wants More: Oct 22, 2005; woof

FrozenVent posted:

quote:
DrHerpington posted:
They say it because the implication is:

a.) Feel sorry for me!
b.) You're better than my ex/other women.
c.) I expect this from all women so take this as a warning/threat.

d.) I'm not yet over my ex.

e.) I'm pretty much going to make you pay for everything and hit you up for loans all the time

# ? Jul 26, 2013 20:14

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Sober posted:

Yes, 1973 is the year I believe, because Israel decided to pick a fight with Egypt or something and the OPEC (oil producing countries in the middle east) decided to cut off the US because the US and Israel were || that tight.

So maybe it did happen, or least someone did their research. I'm not entirely sure there was rationing, actually, but gasoline prices stopped being 15 cents for a drum or whatever.

e: f;b, that's what you get for trying to type on a tablet.

Ohhh boy. You youngins today, with your gas and fancy phones to call about gas...

Yes, there was rationing. That HOV lane on the freeway? It came about as a result of the Oil Crisis. In California it's called the diamond lane. Jerry Brown was the Gov then, too.

Anyway, in our part of California the gas stations hung little flags by the street if they had gas. On a Gas Day you drove up, got in line, and waited, for however long it took. People filled all kinds of containers, whether it was legal or not. Some days it took a couple hours to get gas. In some places you could only buy gas according to the last number on your license plate--odd day for odd number, and so on.

So yes, it was a very Real Thing.

:corsair:

# ? Jul 26, 2013 21:57

Guilty: May 3, 2003; Ask me about how people having a bad reaction to MSG makes them racist, because I've never heard of gluten sensitivity

Marley Wants More posted:

d.) I'm not yet over my ex.

e.) I'm pretty much going to make you pay for everything and hit you up for loans all the time
[/quote]

F.) I'm not actually hitting on you and am just looking for someone to talk to, but you're going to think I am because you're that narcissistic

# ? Jul 26, 2013 22:46

Fascinator: Jan 2, 2011; The four stages of E/N posting.

Guilty posted:

F.) I'm not actually hitting on you and am just looking for someone to talk to, but you're going to think I am because you're that narcissistic

Haha yeah that's definitely it. I absolutely can't tell the difference between a lonely person looking for someone to talk to and a creeper using a made-up sob story to hit on me. Because I'm narcissistic.

The part where he kept trying to buy me a drink was probably just his way of reaching out to a fellow human being. As was the attempted arm-stroking. And the part where he told me, a woman with dark hair wearing heeled boots, that he was really attracted to women with dark hair wearing heeled boots. And the part where he asked for my number.

But yeah, probably just me being narcissistic. rear end in a top hat.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 00:35

jalopybrown: Oct 11, 2012

Fascinator posted:

Haha yeah that's definitely it. I absolutely can't tell the difference between a lonely person looking for someone to talk to and a creeper using a made-up sob story to hit on me. Because I'm narcissistic.

The part where he kept trying to buy me a drink was probably just his way of reaching out to a fellow human being. As was the attempted arm-stroking. And the part where he told me, a woman with dark hair wearing heeled boots, that he was really attracted to women with dark hair wearing heeled boots. And the part where he asked for my number.

But yeah, probably just me being narcissistic. rear end in a top hat.

Did he say she initiated the divorce? Dude wants you to domme & cuckold him if so.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 00:56

tacodaemon: Nov 27, 2006

Over at Alicublog, the Village Voice's Roy Edroso poked fun at Jay Nordlinger for posting the following reader-submitted likely stories on the rightwing National Review site:

quote:

My girlfriend works at a retail clothing store in Chicago. She has recently had some issues with her manager (long stories, details don�t matter).

Today, she was told by the manager, �Because you do such a good job selling, the other employees are intimidated. They are intimidated by your success. We want to move you to a fitting room [outta sight, outta mind], so other employees have a chance on the floor. I just want to have an environment where all people are equal and everybody does the same.�

She has already found another job, and is leaving. By the way, the store called her into a meeting a few months ago and told her, �Employees said that, in the breakroom, you mentioned having a Bush-Cheney shirt. Some of them thought that was offensive, so we would like you not to speak of it at work.�

and

quote:

Here�s some pushback for you. Someone on my team once complained to my boss that I had weighty books on my desk, which intimidated her. It made her reluctant to ask me questions. (She was reluctant, all right, but for different reasons.) The boss asked me to keep my books in a drawer, rather than on the desk itself. I adamantly refused, and challenged my boss to fire me for my refusal.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 01:30

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

tacodaemon posted:

quote:
Here�s some pushback for you. Someone on my team once complained to my boss that I had weighty books on my desk, which intimidated her. It made her reluctant to ask me questions. (She was reluctant, all right, but for different reasons.) The boss asked me to keep my books in a drawer, rather than on the desk itself. I adamantly refused, and challenged my boss to fire me for my refusal.

This kind of stuff is real. When I worked in university housing, I had people complain to my boss about a Maglight that I carried when the power went out, and about a coworker's Leatherman that he carried on his belt and only used in completely ordinary and nonthreatening ways. Oh, and the guy who demanded that I be fired for a pseudo-scholarly paper I'd written for a class, where I compared the accuracy of different types of Nerf guns. Nerf guns made him feel unsafe, you see. :rolleyes:

So yes, this is completely plausible. People are wimps.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 02:22

Lap-Lem: Oct 21, 2005; Lap-Lem the Village Tard

hyperhazard posted:

Is this a Supernatural reference? I googled Sam and Dean and ended up with a bunch of slash fiction sites.

I read it as Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. I think it's better that way. Then think of Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr slash fan fiction.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 03:30

Doctor Doodler: Feb 14, 2012

Guilty posted:

F.) I'm not actually hitting on you and am just looking for someone to talk to, but you're going to think I am because you're that narcissistic

G.) Elite PUA strategies.

Why not just ease off of the accelerator?

Tumblr posted:

Seems like the hater/spread-justifier comments are falling into a few repetitive categories:
Having balls is harrrrrd
Why aren't you being nice like girls should, you cuntface bitch?
Why don't women just ASK the guy to sit more compactly?
The first two are just laugh material. The third one, though.. that one really gets me. I'm a fairly straightforward person, in that I usually ask for what I want, or say what I'm thinking, though I try to say/ask in ways that are respectful and polite. Civility makes for less stress, and drat it, it's the right thing to do and a tasty way to do it.

HOWEVER. I never, ever say ANYTHING to strange men on public transportation. I have - twice. The first time, I asked a guy to move his backpack on a crowded BART train so I could sit down. He yelled "gently caress off, bitch!". Okay. Fine, he was a douchebag; I went on with life, tra la la.

The second time, though, is the reason I'm writing this, and I REALLY HOPE ALL YOU FOLKS WHO THINK IT'S JUST SAFE AND DANDY TO TALK TO STRANGE MEN ON BUSES READ THIS. I was on the Muni bus, riding to work one morning. The seat next to me was empty. I was up toward the front of the bus, in full view of the driver's big rearview mirror. The bus was about half full (I'm a transit optimist).

A man got on the bus. He was large, and he walked/stood in a very aggressive way - looking around at everyone, hands on hips, legs wide, fast movements - just a very, very tough-guy rear end in a top hat vibe. There were other seats he could have taken, but he saw the seat next to me and - no kidding - SLAM/DROPPED into it, slamming into me, squashing me up against the window. I pulled out my (useless) earbuds, and said something like, "Hey! Get off me!". This, apparently, was not the cowering, submissive, fearful response he had hoped to elicit; so he kept his body pressed, hard, into me, pushing with his feet, putting his face right up against mine: "You feel uncomfortable, bitch? You wanna say something? You got something to SAY?" When I turned my head, he bent around the front of me and got in my face again. I asked the people in the bus - who were staring in horror - for help. They just looked down. I saw the bus driver watching this happen in the rearview and asked HIM for help. His question to me, bizarrely, was: "Do you know this guy?" - as if that mattered?? "I don't know him! Can you please do something? I need help!" I yelled. The driver kept on driving, though he gave a guilty look from time to time.

My stop was next. I got really pissed off, and stuck out my elbow, jamming the rear end in a top hat repeatedly until he kinda HAD to back up a bit. The more I insisted on not being space-raped, the more angry he got. What he wanted, I am CERTAIN, was the little rush of pleasure he gets from the power that comes with being male - from being able to exploit women's understandable fear of being hurt/raped/beaten/threatened. You know - a little pick-me-up to start his day off right. And I was not complying with the whimpering and tears that would have been the frosting to the cupcake of his morning.

The bus stopped. I shoved my way past the guy, him grabbing at my rear end and calling me bitch/oval office/whore/blah blah for gently caress's sake snoorrrre. The usual cavalcade of insulting terms. I was shaking when I got off the bus. Told the driver "Thanks for being so helpful back there, man."

Walking the four blocks from the bus stop to my work, I suddenly heard footsteps behind me - walking, then running, and then there was an explosion and the world went white.

The loving low-life cowardly douchebag had actually followed me off the bus, ran after me, and punched me hard on the side of my head. I fell down, he ran off, and that was that.

tl;dr: Don't make stupid assumptions that women should just ask strange men to move on public transportation; just do not. The inculcated sense of entitlement that makes (some) men think it's okay to sprawl out on two seats on a crowded bus, amped to its extremes, is the same attitude that makes (again, some, hopefully fewer) men think it's both fun to terrorize women, and to physically punish them when they do not respond with submissive quailing.

Doctor Doodler has a new favorite as of 09:07 on Jul 27, 2013

# ? Jul 27, 2013 08:33

Ailumao: Nov 4, 2004

Khazar-khum posted:

Ohhh boy. You youngins today, with your gas and fancy phones to call about gas...

Yes, there was rationing. That HOV lane on the freeway? It came about as a result of the Oil Crisis. In California it's called the diamond lane. Jerry Brown was the Gov then, too.

Anyway, in our part of California the gas stations hung little flags by the street if they had gas. On a Gas Day you drove up, got in line, and waited, for however long it took. People filled all kinds of containers, whether it was legal or not. Some days it took a couple hours to get gas. In some places you could only buy gas according to the last number on your license plate--odd day for odd number, and so on.

So yes, it was a very Real Thing.

My dad always said his job once he got out of the military was as a guard to oil tanker trucks as they drove across country during the crisis. He said he and a bunch of other armed dudes rode on motorcycles alongside the tankers cause people actually tried to hijack the things. I always assumed it was a STDH-fun story for me and my siblings, but now who knows?!?!

# ? Jul 27, 2013 10:21

Sir Joseph Banksy: May 9, 2009; boing...boing...boing...boing...

I suspect that at least 50% of all stories in this thread http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3520524&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1 are either STDH, or are cringeworthily embarrassing.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 10:51

HEY GUNS: Oct 11, 2012; FOPTIMUS PRIME

walrusman posted:

This kind of stuff is real. When I worked in university housing, I had people complain to my boss about a Maglight that I carried when the power went out, and about a coworker's Leatherman that he carried on his belt and only used in completely ordinary and nonthreatening ways. Oh, and the guy who demanded that I be fired for a pseudo-scholarly paper I'd written for a class, where I compared the accuracy of different types of Nerf guns. Nerf guns made him feel unsafe, you see. So yes, this is completely plausible. People are wimps.

Oh, I thought it was because this person's interlocutors couldn't handle his Massive Conservative Intellect^TM, exemplified by the giant tomes.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 11:51

moerketid: Jul 3, 2012

jrgnsn_tjf posted:

I suspect that at least 50% of all stories in this thread http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3520524&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1 are either STDH, or are cringeworthily embarrassing.

I could tell my dad's story, which is cringeworthily embarassing, but I think just doesn't fit the tone of the thread.

He walked out of a store he visits in a quiet part of Glasgow (in the Trongate area) and lightly bumped into someone. He said "oh, sorry", then "...you're Morgan Freeman". Morgan Freeman smiled awkwardly and so did my dad and he left the scene really quickly feeling weird and stupid about having bumped into Morgan Freeman. He was told later that they were filming some movie with Morgan Freeman and Jet Li in the area. Real stories just don't have the same punch as stdh. :smith:

# ? Jul 27, 2013 14:48

Kimmalah: Nov 14, 2005; Basically just a baby in a trenchcoat.

DrHerpington posted:

Exactly.

It's the fact that it's all caps, written like it just happened, and addresses people. If it wasn't, it'd be funny.

That's better than some post about how evil "prepz" are and about being teased for Star Trek.

This one is actually a full on song parody where they just changed the lyrics to be about an awkward Star Trek nerd instead a girl pining over some dude dating a cheerleader. I know because they blare this song at my job probably 10 times or more a day. :cripes:

# ? Jul 27, 2013 15:06

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

Doctor Doodler posted:

bus story

Does 3/4 of the world spend 3/4 of their time on BART or what?

# ? Jul 27, 2013 16:08

DrHerpington: Dec 20, 2012

Doctor Doodler posted:

G.) Elite PUA strategies.

Why not just ease off of the accelerator?

Re: the second one. Public transit harassment happens but not to that extent.

Kimmalah posted:

This one is actually a full on song parody where they just changed the lyrics to be about an awkward Star Trek nerd instead a girl pining over some dude dating a cheerleader. I know because they blare this song at my job probably 10 times or more a day.

I'm aware. That's why it's funny vs. some STDH about being into Star Trek. Jokes don't have to be based on the premise of being things that actually happened.

walrusman posted:

Does 3/4 of the world spend 3/4 of their time on BART or what?

The Bay Area has a lot of people that think that because SF is near Silicon Valley and a few tech companies are there, that they're magically somehow living notable lives. Any loser with a cell phone camera and a keyboard who will participate in the SF blog circlejerk thinks they're a notable blogger if they get featured on something like Wired or BoingBoing or TechCrunch.

However, at the end of the day, their lives are boring and if they weren't, they wouldn't be blogging: others would be writing about them. So, what they write about is exceedingly mundane: their food, their activities, and public transit. BART is a popular thing to circlejerk about because of Oscar Grant and the fact it serves the Bay at large, whereas by writing about Muni (or lying and pretending they use it when they use AC Transit) places them as people who live in SF vs. the rest of the Bay Area, which people think is suckier (some of it is, but some of SF sucks too).

When they run out of stuff to write about, we get STDH based on stuff that did (the fact they took a bus).

E: I think we'll see this happening with Austin soon, but the difference is places like Austin and Portland aren't as techy yet and there are less tech hipsters there and more hipsters into art and producing physical products.

DrHerpington has a new favorite as of 17:44 on Jul 27, 2013

# ? Jul 27, 2013 16:31

Switchback: Jul 23, 2001

Doctor Doodler posted:

Why not just ease off of the accelerator?

So he's going 100mph on a motorcycle with his girl on the back not wearing a helmet?!

# ? Jul 27, 2013 16:35

Theglavwen: Jun 10, 2006; Frankly, I don't know anyone who likes Chinese bronzes, but I have one of the finest collections in the country.

*Edit: Nevermind, misread something.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 17:06

CJacobs: Apr 17, 2011; Reach for the moon!

Hahaha what a douche way to go. "Well, instead of waiting until I can coast to a stop while we're somewhere safe, let's just crash right the gently caress into a building. Sorry, girlfriend! Michael Bay would be proud!!! :black101:

# ? Jul 27, 2013 17:29

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012; ERM... Actually I have stellar scores on the surveys, and every year students tell me that my classes are the best ones they’ve ever taken.

Well, that person has clearly never ridden a motorcycle. Even if the throttle had gotten jammed open or something, all motorcycles have (1) a hand lever under the gas tank to turn the fuel supply off (2) a switch on the handlebars that kills the ignition system (3) a manual transmission with a clutch you can disengage and the ability to be put in neutral.

Also, you can barely talk to a person on the back over the wind and engine noise at even 40 miles an hour. 100mph is literally deafening.

Sagebrush has a new favorite as of 18:29 on Jul 27, 2013

# ? Jul 27, 2013 18:01

Das Boo: Jun 9, 2011; There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.

Call me a crazy Daisy, but I don't imagine there'd be much left of your helmet-wearing rear end after crashing into a building at 100 mph.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 18:03

Hamiltonian Bicycle: Apr 26, 2008; !

Das Boo posted:

Call me a crazy Daisy, but I don't imagine there'd be much left of your helmet-wearing rear end after crashing into a building at 100 mph.

The helmet goes on your head, you crazy daisy.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 18:05

Das Boo: Jun 9, 2011; There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.

Hamiltonian Bicycle posted:

The helmet goes on your head, you crazy daisy.

It's all so obvious!

# ? Jul 27, 2013 18:17

CJacobs: Apr 17, 2011; Reach for the moon!

What, you guys don't don a full suit of thick foam padding every time you get on a motorcycle? Sometimes I wrap up in bubblewrap afterward because when I crash into stuff it makes a funny popping sound. :3:

# ? Jul 27, 2013 18:25

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012; ERM... Actually I have stellar scores on the surveys, and every year students tell me that my classes are the best ones they’ve ever taken.

Das Boo posted:

Call me a crazy Daisy, but I don't imagine there'd be much left of your helmet-wearing rear end after crashing into a building at 100 mph.

You're correct. MotoGP racers frequently walk away from 100mph crashes, but in addition to their properly fitted full-face helmet, they're wearing armored leather suits with titanium sliding pads on the knees, shoulders, hips and elbows, rigid armored boots, gauntlets studded with carbon fiber plates that that run halfway up the forearm. I'm assuming that if the guy in the story couldn't even be bothered to give his girlfriend a helmet, they're both wearing street clothes, so when it's all said and done neither of the riders will have any intact bones or attached skin any more. See also backpanther.

CJacobs posted:

What, you guys don't don a full suit of thick foam padding every time you get on a motorcycle? Sometimes I wrap up in bubblewrap afterward because when I crash into stuff it makes a funny popping sound.

This is a huge :can:

in Cycle Asylum but if you aren't at least wearing a proper motorcycle jacket, gloves, boots and a full-face helmet on your motorcycle you're an idiot.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 18:31

CJacobs: Apr 17, 2011; Reach for the moon!

Oh no don't worry I put a big plus sized jacket on over top of the foam and bubblewrap. What do you think I am, stupid? A guy's gotta have his cut! :rolleyes:

edit: But really yeah I've seen what happens when your bike falls over while you're going 60 because you skipped off a plank in the road or something and aren't wearing arm protection. My stepdad's words when he got out of the hospital were "I didn't need that skin anyway! Ow!"

edit edit: Then we got married and everyone clapped but him because he skinned his hands really bad.

CJacobs has a new favorite as of 18:36 on Jul 27, 2013

# ? Jul 27, 2013 18:34

NoUU: Mar 8, 2013

# ? Jul 27, 2013 19:29

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

The phrase "white-knight feminized oval office slave" might be my new favorite Internet thing ever.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 20:13

Jonny Nox: Apr 26, 2008

Khazar-khum posted:

Ohhh boy. You youngins today, with your gas and fancy phones to call about gas...

Yes, there was rationing. That HOV lane on the freeway? It came about as a result of the Oil Crisis. In California it's called the diamond lane. Jerry Brown was the Gov then, too.

Anyway, in our part of California the gas stations hung little flags by the street if they had gas. On a Gas Day you drove up, got in line, and waited, for however long it took. People filled all kinds of containers, whether it was legal or not. Some days it took a couple hours to get gas. In some places you could only buy gas according to the last number on your license plate--odd day for odd number, and so on.

So yes, it was a very Real Thing.

The Joke goes back to WW2 though, if not earlier.

Though in that version it's unlimited Cigarettes and the store owner can't make it to the door to open his store because he can't get to the front of the line. So he walks away and says "Screw you guys, I won't open today" Also, I'm pretty sure I read it in one of Asimov's joke books, so it's told way better than this version.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 22:30

is pepsi ok: Oct 23, 2002

NoUU posted:

I had to look this guy up and he sure does goes to that well pretty often.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 22:36

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

That guy must have a very punchable face.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 22:39

Crow Jane: Oct 18, 2012; nothin' wrong with a lady drinkin' alone in her room

He undoubtedly does, and he probably makes a huge show of holding the door open. Like, races her to it and fights her for the handle, making going through the door take three times as long as it should. Then he probably bows and says "m'lady". For he is chivalrous.

I once gave a co-worker a lift home, and stopped for gas on the way. Dude would not let me touch the pump, and said no woman he's with will ever pump her own gas. It was really odd, and I kind of avoided him from then on.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 22:50

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

quote:

motorcycle madness

You could also use (albiet not in a incredibly heroic or particularly clever way) the clutch and shift lever to reduce your velocity by downshifting through your gears. Hitting a building after coasting a while coming out of first gear wouldn't smash your brains all over the place, I don't think.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 22:58

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

You could also use (albiet not in a incredibly heroic or particularly clever way) the clutch and shift lever to reduce your velocity by downshifting through your gears. Hitting a building after coasting a while coming out of first gear wouldn't smash your brains all over the place, I don't think.

If your throttle were really stuck open (somehow? Can't just twist it forward? Line kinked or return action somehow obstructed on the carbs?), downshifting probably wouldn't be a great thing to do. Unless, you know, you used the kill switch or turned off the ignition or the fuel petcock or failing all that reached down and yanked the spark plug wires or a fuel line, all of which are preferable to plowing into a wall, and after which downshifting would work just fine.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 23:10

AlbieQuirky: Oct 9, 2012; Just me and my 🌊dragon🐉 hanging out

Crow Jane posted:

He undoubtedly does, and he probably makes a huge show of holding the door open. Like, races her to it and fights her for the handle, making going through the door take three times as long as it should. Then he probably bows and says "m'lady". For he is chivalrous.

Then he lets the door slam behind him as he peacocks for the unimpressed chick---right in the face of a frail :corsair:

grandpa.

quote:

I once gave a co-worker a lift home, and stopped for gas on the way. Dude would not let me touch the pump, and said no woman he's with will ever pump her own gas. It was really odd, and I kind of avoided him from then on.

Ugh, gross.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 23:10

Crow Jane: Oct 18, 2012; nothin' wrong with a lady drinkin' alone in her room

AlbieQuirky posted:

Ugh, gross.

Yeah, it really was. He had absolutely no issue with me PAYING for said gas, though.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 23:19

massive spider: Dec 6, 2006

# ? Jul 27, 2013 23:25

vannevar: Jan 27, 2013; The war goes on.

From Tumblr:

quote:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, �Where am I, Cathy?�
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can�t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn�t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn�t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He�s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you making GBS threads me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I�m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral�
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 23:49

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# ? Jun 8, 2024 20:42

Sagebrush: Feb 26, 2012; ERM... Actually I have stellar scores on the surveys, and every year students tell me that my classes are the best ones they’ve ever taken.

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

You could also use (albiet not in a incredibly heroic or particularly clever way) the clutch and shift lever to reduce your velocity by downshifting through your gears. Hitting a building after coasting a while coming out of first gear wouldn't smash your brains all over the place, I don't think.

Well, that wouldn't really work very well...when you downshift and engine-brake, it's the compression of the engine and the pistons sucking against a closed throttle butterfly that slow you down. If the throttle were jammed open, the engine would race and you couldn't really downshift safely. Even if you made it into first gear, a modern sportbike can reach 60-80 miles an hour in first gear at redline so it's really not that much better.

However, you could still just pull the clutch in and coast down because you're no longer putting power to the wheel, and while the engine would race out of control and probably blow up or seize, that's preferable to crashing. You could also flick the killswitch, which shuts off the ignition and is mounted right next to your thumb. Or you could turn off the fuel supply to the carbs and after about 10 seconds at that speed they'd be out of fuel and the engine would die.

The best solution would probably be to just hit the killswitch and then coast down while leaving the bike in gear. If you try to shift with the engine stopped, as it invariably would be after cutting power to the ignition, you risk locking up the rear tire and going out of control. Just move into the shoulder or breakdown lane and let the bike slow itself down. It would be a scary situation but there's no reason anyone needs to come out of it injured.

Of course logic doesn't enter into this story at all. It's about TRUE LOVE.

Also if you talk to a Harley-Davidson dude he will say that you are supposed to knock the bike on its side ("lay'er down") and slide to a stop. This is bullshit just FYI.

# ? Jul 27, 2013 23:54

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: Don't keep talking to me in that fancy cashier talk lady!

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