Xemloth posted:

Is calling ranch dressing "fat people ketchup" a thing or did that person think it is a lot funnier that it is

canyoneer posted:

Is "fat shaming" a phrase that exists outside of the internet? I think it's one of those things like when Prince changed his name to a symbol, where you only see it printed and it has never been spoken aloud.

quote:

THIS ISN'T CARRIE AND YOU CAN'T THROW THE FAT EQUIVALENT OF TAMPONS AT ME

"r/atheism" posted:

So I still haven't told my parents that I don't believe in god. So today my mother asked me to take my little brother to the mosque down the street. I left my phone to charge at home and strolled down to the mosque for Friday prayer (equivalent of sunday mass).

Anyway while I was there not giving a gently caress about what the imam was preaching about, I saw this old man struggling as he's walking to get some water. A young man offered to help and ran over with a water bottle and sat the old man with his back against the wall. Soon enough he caught the attention of a lot of people from the front row (close to the preacher's podium). But no one had the courage to stop the imam's speech.

Now it's prayer time and I figured some of the men by the old man's side must have called an ambulance and they're waiting for it. I was trying my best to not let my brother (8 years old) watch an old man in the middle of a possible heart attack. When prayer began I suddenly saw the a couple of the guys who were by the old man's side praying on front of me. So I figured the old man must feel better now. 5 minutes later when we were done praying. I look over to my side to see the old man laying there unattended. He was pale and stiff, not even his rib cage was moving so I knew he wasn't breathing. I Hurried my brother to the door then took a quick look back. Suddenly everyone was interested again, but its too late.

I feel like an rear end in a top hat for not having my phone and not interrupting the imam myself. Then again I didn't realize how serious it was before j saw him dead. This could've been avoided if the imam asked for a doctor in the building. Their must've been at least 200 people there .

TL;DR: guy had a heart attack, no one wanted to interrupt the prayer to call an ambulance.

"fatpeoplestories" posted:

> Be me, thin young woman

> Working the night shift, exceptionally busy

> Sun has risen, grabbing last few blood draws on my list

> Get call from telemetry (cardiac) unit

> New admission from ER, needs updated blood work to see if she's gotten better from when she came in that night

> Don't know anything except patient name, age and room

> Figure she had chest pain, was probably admitted to make sure she didn't have a heart attack

> Knock on door

> See gelatinous blob

> Smell dirty hair and poo poo right away

> Used to it, but it's still gross

> Lardbeast is covered in huge brown skin tags

> "Hello, my name is vondahl and I'm with the lab. Your doctor wanted some blood work to see when you can go home."

> "WHAT THE gently caress DID SHE JUST SAY?!"

> See two slightly smaller but middle-aged ham planets sitting next to her

> "Oh maw, don't be like that to tha girl."

> "Yeah maw, be nice. She jus wants some blood."

> Great.... The kids' reaction to the mom's appalling behavior told me that this was pretty standard.

> Pull out supplies from lab coat

> Wish I had bigger tourniquet...

> Walk over to bed

> Feel like I'm standing in the shadow of Godzilla

> Smell of filth intensifies

> Ask patient to please verify name/birthday

> "THE gently caress DO YA NEED TA KNOW THAT FER?!"

> "I just need to make sure I have the right patient."

> Mini-Hamplanet: "Her name is [redacted.]"

> Get closer to patient, lean forward

> About to put on tourniquet

> "I SWEAR IF YOU GRAB MAH BEWBS I'LL FUCKEN SLAP YA, BITCH! THEY TRIED TO GRAB MAH BEWBS IN THA ER!"

> WTF?

> Nope.

> Nopenopenopenope.

> Can't even tell where her arm ends and her bewb and stomach rolls begin

> Roll eyes

> Silently grab my supplies

> Stop in doorway

> "You have a greeeeaaaat day."

> Leave, flag down lardbeast's nurse.

> Hamplanet daughter waddles after me as fast as her doughy legs can

> "Nurse, I refuse to draw that patient's blood."

> HamDaughter catches up, a little out of breath from that ten foot shuffle

> "Why? What happened?"

> " I don't get paid enough to be verbally abused and threatened."

> "Oh gawd, please come back and draw maw's blood! She didn't mean nuthin by it! That just how she is. We been waitin' forever!"

> "She threatened to hit me. Guess you can wait a little longer."

> Feel like a badass walking away from an explosion

Minarch posted:

Also just want to point out that tenderloin is a relatively lean cut of meat, so I dunno where tenderloin beast comes from. And if ranch is "fat girl ketchup," does that mean ketchup is "skinny girl ranch"?

Aleph Null posted:

So what would "fat girl gravy" be?

Morkyz posted:

fat lady in the hospital

Morkyz posted:

One clue that this sort of story is fake is that it would basically requre a sterotypical Tumblrite and a Redditor to meet in real life, and since neither of these groups ever leave the house...

More Reddit:

Silly Hippie posted:

Gravy.

crowfeathers posted:

I think my favorite part of this is how it's obviously meant to resolve the writer of blame -- after all, he left his phone at home so he couldn't call for an ambulance! Of course, then he complains that no-one was willing to stop praying even to look for help, which would make him just as guilty as everyone else. Those dang muslims, always letting people die in order to pray, not like us atheists who let people die for literally no reason at all.

Why do people write stories that portray themselves as horrible people? I don't understand.

bringmyfishback posted:

I think his being so butthurt about it is the funniest part.

Aleph Null posted:

So what would "fat girl gravy" be?

Silly Hippie posted:

Gravy.

"fatpeoplestories" posted:

So, this actually happened last week but it's taken me that long to figure out how the internet works and to green text it.

Leave me alone, I'm old.

be me, former planetoid who's gone from fat to fit, losing 80 in the process.

be me running, 'cause I be training for that 26.2 in Nov.

be me stopped at a light, on the last 1 mile of my 6.

what's that I hear? A large 18 wheeler pulling up next to me? Inconceivable! such monstrosities are not allowed to roll through my little town

ohhh, I am mistaken. It is a large celestial body squeezed into a small midsized transport device. It defies all laws of physics. No matter.

be me, waiting for that light to change, feeling a strange sensation.

planetoids' window is down, and she is staring at me. While eating a BigMacBeetus.

bleh. truth in naming would label it BigMacArtetyClogger

Planetoid sees me returning her stare. She huffs at me. The gale force nearly knocks me over.

planetoid is not happy. do I know her? I do not. Why is she mad at me? Perhaps she is really mad at herself

planetoind lifts up her MacBeetus, shakes it in my direction (bits of lettuce fly off) and takes a big chomp.

she grins and makes what I can only assume are squees of pleasure.

AH, she's trying to taunt me.

be me chuckling to myself, thinking every bite moves up her heart attack that much faster.

OH NOES! planetiod was too busy trying to thin shame me and didn't realize that light has changed! cars behind her honk loudly! She has becomes so startled that her BigMacEarlyDeath patty flies out of her hands all over her car.

be me, laughing so hard as I leave that I lose over a minute on my last lap.

tl;dr: lady loses her lunch, I lose my composure

lemonsaresour posted:

No lie. It's pretty common to make gravy out of the "pan drippings" in the south. At least in Louisiana.

"fatpeoplestories" posted:

Been lurking FPS for some time and now its time for me to rustle your jimmies. I used to work in the police, focusing on business crimes, which included shop lifters.

Be me, young and innocent 22y/o male, looking spiffy in his police uniform

Get radioed by dispatch of an incident at a local retail shop. Dispatcher was not clear about what had happened, but college and I responded.

Not prepared for what I saw and years later I still bare the mental scaring

Arrive to store and get ushered to the manager's office. There I see the impossible. Light was bending, Doppler effect when we spoke, gravity was ripping the very fabric of space and time. A planet had fallen out of alignment and had collapsed on the floor. It kinda looked like one hundred people melted together and poured out on the floor and was then covered in what could either have been a circus tent or a huge-rear end dress. This ham beast could easily have tipped the scales at 400+

Radioed for the paramedics and whilst waiting, started asking what happened

A gravely, rasping voice, from the pits of hell murmured that she could not feel her legs and had collapsed. drat those legs must be strong to support that weight. Starts getting very abusive that we need to call the ambulance because she has the beetus and because she was not eating enough, her blood sugar fell and she passed out. Holy poo poo, how much do you need to eat to keep those cuuurrvvves? Even her fat rolls had fat rolls. Blubber-ball starts yelling about police abuse of power, and the usual banalities.

Mate in the paramedics arrive. Dude could not hide his shock when he saw the landwhale. I step out while they examine the manatee. Paramedic calls me, bastard grinning from ear-to-ear.

As I walk into the office, the smell of rotten, dirty flesh claws at my nostrils, and I want to puke. The mixture of poo poo, sweat, body odour, decay and the lack of soap punched me in the lungs. The beast is still on the floor with its dress pulled halfway up its body. Never wanted to have sex again in my life after seeing that. Still have night terrors.

Ham beast was a shop lifter and had inserted two frozen chickens into it's vajayjay. The cold caused her to loose sensation to the lower extremities and hence the collapse. The paramedic had to remove the two chickens and they were lying there next to the beast. I puked a little in my mouth. The smell, I cannot begin to tell you of the smell. It smelt like Satan's arsehole. Hambeast is now quiet. No more screaming, just whimpering.

After the charges were filed it took 4 paramedics to get the planet into the ambulance

Shop manager takes the two chickens in his hands. "Going to wash them and return them to the freezer" he says

Needless to say, have never bought from that store again

"fatpeoplestories" posted:

I work at a Public Library. Most days, I love my job. I am fairly young (in my 20s) and most of my coworkers are sweet old ladies. I mostly handle the teen area and the computers. On most days, I love my job. I get to help people find just the right book, I get to re shelve books (something about that Dewey Decimal System just makes me feel happy and calm), and every once in a while I get to shush someone. But some days I hate the people that come in.

On this specific day, I had brought in home-made cookies for my coworkers. They always baked for each other and I decided to contribute. I made lots of different kinds, and even had lots of frosted sugar cookies for a girl scout troop that was volunteering that day. The cookies were in the employee lounge.

Myself and some of the girl scouts were exiting the lounge when I saw this family standing there looking at books. There was a mom who was VERY LARGE, one teenage daughter who was dressed in a revealing manner and was large as well, and a little boy who couldn't have been more than 7 years old. He spotted the cookies right away and asked his mother if he could have one. She politely told him that they didn't belong to him and that they could have some cookies later at home if he was good.

At this point, I couldn't help myself and wanted to get him a cookie. He had asked politely and quietly, his mother had been nice and polite about it, and I was feeling generous. So I went back into the lounge, grabbed a cookie, and brought it out to him. He lit up and thanked me. I then went back to organizing books.

I was on the other side of the shelves they were at and I guess they didn't see me because they all changed. The mother, in a matter of seconds, had turned from nice, plump lady to a devilish hamplanet The mother had apparently grabbed the cookie from the little boy and he had started crying.

Mother: Sweety, you don't need this cookie, you are already SUPER fat and if you keep having cookies nobody will love you

This little 7 year old kid was a bit chubby, but not that bad and here was his mother who WAS HUGE and stealing his cookies. She ate the cookie in one bite, at which point her daughter looked up and said she wanted a cookie too. They went and found me and demanded that I get them another cookie.

At this point I was angry, the cookie had been for the little boy and now his mother had not only taken it from him, but demanded that I feed her daughter as well. When I told her no and said that the cookie had been for the boy and not her, she started yelling at me about her blood sugar and her "condition". She then got really up in my face and told me her taxes paid my salary and how I have to do everything that she says because I work at a public library that she finances. She also said that she was going to get me fired.

She and her daughter went to go find my boss and LEFT THE LITTLE BOY BEHIND. I went, got him a cookie, and watched his eyes light up as he enjoyed it.

"fatpeoplestories" posted:

So the last story I gave you was really sad and awful, and the cancer thing pissed me off hard, so I'm writing a funny (but still kinda annoying, come on, its fps) one for you all :3

This one needs a little introduction for the story to make sense, so please bear with me.

I have literally no opinions on the religion anyone chooses to have (or not have in the case of atheism) if you're keeping it mainly to yourself and you extend the same courtesy to me, it matters as much to me as the colour of your hair. I have an extremely complex "religion" (its not really a religion but idk the word in english, please give me one in comments x.x) that I have been raised with, that has been in my family for generations.

It's pretty much a mixture of shamanism, spirituality and a belief that all gods may exist. It's a kind of paganism, but more like Buddhism in that it's more a "way of life" kinda thing than a dogma thing. I've been to various "schools" where I have been taught about shamanistic healing, witch doctoring and all sorts of things. It's far less interesting than it sounds, its pretty much making crazy teas and pounding up herbs with a big rock. I love it, it's what I believe, and I'm always prepared to answer questions. With me so far?

Sadly my beliefs attract the spiritual equivalent of weaboos, who think it's dark and mysterious, that it's the same as doing harry potter style spells or wicca (it isn't) and it makes them uber gawfik if they say it's their religion too. Yay.

ANYWAY I KNOW THIS ALL SOUNDS CRAZY but it's central to the story. Which is starting now. Thanks for your patience!

This takes place about 3 months after the last story was set.

Be me. Piplup, little Spaniard, 16, still in the UK. small, have eating disorder.

NotBe Hammah. BFF at the time, loud, extremely slutty, mega goth. Really fat, probably about 270 but kinda looks more.

Her fashion style consists of tank tops in EXTREMELY TOO SMALL sizes, so the fupa hangs out below, and black skinny jeans that fit below her fupa, so half her rear end is always on show. Basically because she shops at "goth stores" (like hot topic i guess) and she wants to be small and teeny and cute.

be at my house trying to finish group project

Hamma bouncing up and down on my bed while I try to work.

"PIPLUP I'M BOOOOOORED"

I know how to handle this.

"Go look in the fridge for something to eat"

The fridge had beetus juices and candy I had prepared earlier. I am becoming quite the ham wrangler.

Hammah comes back, and my bed (ikea quality) groans sadly as she throws herself down on it, and proceeds to LIE DOWN and drink from a 2l bottle of coke. Wat.

"PIPLUUUUUP are there any guys you like at school teehee"

"No."

"But >Insert underage victim one< totally thinks I'm hot and he's so emoooo"

Hammah had previously gotten in to poo poo for having sex with a 14 year old. This guy was 13.

"He's too young for you.

"Piplup you're STUPID, girls can't be pedophiles"

wat

"and ANYWAY piplup men can't resist me, they look at my boobs and well, men like boobs"

"I know men like boobs Hammah"

Do I really need to tell you how this continued? HAES bullshit, how she's irresistable, how she's had sex with a 27 year old (who actually turned out to be a real pedophile, he's now on some pedophile hunting site) how older men know "what they're doing". How I need to eat more, how my undereating "makes her feel fat". UGH.

She starts rifiling through my books and various god statues.

"I didn't know you believed in GODS Piplup, you're just like a Catholic"

wat2.

She sees my statue of Sakhmet. She has a lion's head and it's made to look ancient Egyptian.

"WELL OF COURSE YOU LIKE THIS ONE, IS SHE THE GODDESS OF ANOREXIA?"

Literally throws my statue to the floor. That disrespect. PleaseThorStrikeHerDown. Bitch I will spit in your eyes. I manage to keep my cool however.

"she's actually more like a war goddess"

AND THE GODDESS OF VENGEANCE YOU FAT BITCH.

Hamplanet not listening, hamplanet has chance to talk about how fat people are superior in every way.

"THAT STATUE DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE. ANCIENT PEOPLE THOUGHT FAT WAS BEAUTIFUL. SKINNY PEOPLE LIKE YOU WOULD HAVE JUST DIED"

Idon'teven.

"DON'T YOU HAVE ANY REAAAAL WOMEN TO WORSHIP"

Bitch this is my religion not a fat activism party.

Hammah finally gets her loving laptop out, now I've finished all the work. Is she busy finalizing it? Oh no, she's opened google. Is she really searching for that? What the?

So I don't remember it word for word but she literally searched for "goddesses for fat women" or some poo poo. What the everliving gently caress. But ok, I love religious debate and opinion, so slightly interested as to what the search will yield. First site.

"Artists interpretations of Aphrodite show her as a plus size, beautiful woman. She is a symbol of beauty and real women"

"OHHH MYYY GODDD PIPLUP SEE. SEE. PLUS SIZE MEANS OBESE. YOU HAVE TO TEACH ME MORE ABOUT YOUR RELIGION BECAUSE FAT WORSHIP IS IMPORTANT"

Yeah guys the very picture of obesity

"That's not really what it's about Hammah"

YOU'RE SO SELFISH. ITS NOT MY FAULT MY FAMILY GAVE ME A FAT HATING RELIGION"

Apparently Christianity is "fat hating" I have no idea so I had no argument.

She actually looks like she might cry. Sigh. Why do I care.

"No Hammah, I didn't mean that... I just.. want you to understand it better. Here borrow this"

I hand her a book which has a detailed description of a few of the more "popular" gods. And some notebooks and stuff I have from the school. I pretty much am morally and spiritually obligated to share what I know if people ask, so I did.

A few days later, I receive a facebook message from Hammah. I can boil it down to this.

"Omg piplup, I did some research and you should know that your religion is called WICCA. It's a religion for fat beautiful women. Its all about praising what nature gave me, the goddess GAIA has blessed me with a beautiful body, and I can FINALLY be confident. Maybe if you REALLY believe in your religion, you should stop trying to starve yourself and stop wearing so much makeup. NATURAL is better.

Anyway I found some spells I want to try in this wicca bible i found online, so we have to hang out this weekend"

So at that point the blood vessel in my temple exploded and I died.

I wish.

To you non religious people, I will now attempt to explain how loving annoying that was. Imagine that one thing you've loved since you were a kid. A game, a movie, a TV show, that you freaking loved, and knew all the ins and outs of. It meant something to you, and to this day it still hits you with that beautiful, all consuming rush of warm nostalgia.

Ok now imagine that a fat beast has taken it, thrown it on the ground and tells you that you have NEVER understood it, they know how good it REALLY is and how you'll never be able to love it, or be as much of a fan of it as they are, and they've only known about it for a whole weekend! Teehee! Oh and also NOTHING YOU CAN EVER SAY WILL CHANGE THEIR MIND.

So. Obviously I have loads of stories about Hammah's new found religion, but I will draw this tale to a close with one of the most extreme.

There's a hippy/alt/green faire held round here. I always go because I know people who do, and shamans go through a lot of incense. Because Hammah is a devout wiccan now, she comes along too.

(oh did i mention that she bought a magic wand and a pentagram necklace? cos she did, and she brought the wand with her).

At the incense store, I bump in to a friendly asian guy and spill my Nag Champa on him.

"sorry but at least you smell nice!"

socialfailure.exe

Nice guy actually laughs (call him Orange from now on cos thats the colour he was wearing). I SEE HE HAS AN ANUBIS TATTOO. I LOVE THAT GOD.

strike up awesome conversation about Kemetic gods. poo poo is cash.

decide to get some food,

have lost Hammah because she's trying to envelop random men in her folds.

Oh no wait here she is. I forgot that food was involved.

It dawns on me that Orange is "alternative" AND Asian. He is now prime meat in Hammah's eyes.

I'm so sorry Orange what have I done to you.

So yeah, Hammah sits on his lap and starts eating out of his food carton.

"HEY I'M PIPLUPS BEST FRIEND, WAS SHE TELLING YOU ABOUT OUR RELIGION"

nooooooo

Orange "oh! yeah gasping for breath I'm interested in some of the gods myself"

"HOW ABOUT APHRODITE DO YOU LIKE HER"

orange -"Oh, I don't know much about greek gods...."

"WELL I'M EXACTLY LIKE APHRODITE, I COULD EDUCATE YOU teehee"

It's so cringeworthy at this point that I kinda want to just bail and leave Orange to fend for himself, but I can't do that. While I formulate a plan, Orange is trying to politely deflect Hammah. But she's like, kissing his shoulder, telling him how she LOOOVES tattoos, and asking him if he would like to see her naked so he could tell her the best place for a tattoo.

I sort of regret doing this, because it was pretty mean but it was the only way I could think of to defend orange at the time. I call her out.

"Oh Hammah stop it, you've only known about this religion for a week, so don't try to lecture people on it yet. You look nothing like Aphrodite, for a start, Aphrodite didn't have a muffin top."

This was a huge shock for her. I have never stepped in or "cockblocked" her before. But I was getting pretty tired. Guys, she just seemed kinda hurt by my words, but then looked me dead in the eye and said.

"You're just jealous".

Up to this point Orange had been silent. And what he said was so simple, but freaking awesome.

"I bet if Piplup was sat on my lap I could still feel my legs though".

2. 1.

MELTDOWN.

"I BET YOU'D LOVE THAT WOULDN'T YOU. WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER, I JUST NEED TO ACCEPT THAT THE WHOLE WORLD HATES ME BECAUSE I'M FAT. I CAN'T EVEN GIVE A GUY WHAT HE WANTS WITHOUT SOME SKINNY BITCH GETTING IN THE WAY"

She bent down, I feared what would happen next. I heard a ripping sound.

Guys she threw grass in my face. It was hilarious, the grass sort of hit the wind and fell on my legs. And I laughed. And I couldn't stop laughing. And she stormed away. I didn't hear anything from her for a few weeks and then I got another message about how her wolf spirit had come to see her in her dreams and I needed to explain that to her.

tl;dr fatty creates her own HAES religion and throws grass in my eyes while i save an asian from giving her tattoo advice.

"Why do the hamplanets exaggerate" posted:

There are a lot of posts from TiTP today and it really made me curious about how much exaggeration come from these followers and what the motive is. For example, almost every post talks of some thin person being incredibly rude or being a general douchebag and calling the person out on being fat.

The thing is, I was really overweight at one point and never ever did anyone pick on me, laugh at me, or make a point to verbally observe my weight. And I have had plenty of friends much fatter than I was and this never happened to them either. The one thing I can think of that stood out about my weight was going to the club with my thin friends and not getting hit on as much. I attributed it to being out of shape and later on decided to lose weight and am now 40 pounds smaller.

So question is; Where does the exaggeration come from and why?!

Edit: Awesome response, everyone! This clarifies a lot for me and I love this sub!

Haschel Cedricson posted:

Isn't "sauce made from pan drippings" the LITERAL definition of gravy?

DrHerpington posted:

Morkyz posted:

Note that it's entirely possible that this man actually did see a slightly grumpy overweight woman at a traffic stop; I'm mostly posting this for the delusions of eloquence.

Tatum Girlparts posted:

Uh, the obesity problem is a fairly major issue? Like there's a huge difference between these obviously fake, self hating fat people, stories yelling about how this one fat person they met was disgusting and horrible and should just die, and going 'hey obesity is a bad thing we should fix that'.

DrHerpington posted:

http://www.coding2learn.org/blog/2013/07/29/kids-cant-use-computers/

It's too long to post. Long story short, some guy whose specialty is in computers is mad laymen do not have skills like his and is acting self important over being a computer janitor. It's got some STDH in the anecdotes, the poo poo you find posted on the similar subreddit, "Tales from Tech Support".

Tale for tech support: do your job and realize you're hired to do something, not to be an rear end in a top hat on the Internet about your job.