oldpainless posted:

I am gender fluid you inconsiderate rear end in a top hat.

oldpainless posted:

Teacher: So they had to transport raw goods back to England for manufacturing.
Transporters? Beam me up Scotty
Teacher: What?
heh

Doctor Doodler posted:

quote:

Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “I want to return this laptop I bought from you yesterday.”

Me: “Oh really? Why? Is there a problem with it?”

Customer: “Yes there is! It has witchcraft in it!”

Me: “Witchcraft?”

Customer: “Yes! When I tried to install a program on it, it said it was starting a wizard. Wizards and witchcraft are evil! I don’t know why you would sell such things at a store like this!”

Me: “Ma’am, a ‘wizard’ on a computer is just the name of the program that helps the install process, it makes it quick so that it is like magic, hence the name ‘wizard’.”

Customer: “I don’t care about your make believe hull-a-b-loo religion! It goes against my beliefs to have anything to do with that type of thing! Now give me my refund so I can be out of this evil place!”

Me: “Sure ma’am, this way.”

wilderthanmild posted:

The best part of that is that he(or she?) tries to support the claim by saying that he hasn't done any exercise in at least 3 weeks. The rest of those silly "elite" runners with mile times below 4 minutes are wasting their time when this badass can just hop off the couch and pull it off in 4 minutes.

Why can this guy or girl not just be real about it and say "I might have exaggerated, but I did just run a good mile!" without trying to present this absurd claim.

wilderthanmild posted:

Why can this guy or girl not just be real about it and say "I might have exaggerated, but I did just run a good mile!" without trying to present this absurd claim.

motherbox posted:

More likely: this person ran for four minutes and the distance was nowhere near a mile, but the person didn't measure it and figured it was probably close.

motherbox posted:

More likely: this person ran for four minutes and the distance was nowhere near a mile, but the person didn't measure it and figured it was probably close.

crowfeathers posted:

I don't care about your hull-a-b-loo religion!

quote:

A funny thing happened at the Cincinnati Bitcoin Meetup tonight... (self.Bitcoin)
submitted 31 minutes ago by E-GovLink
So, picture the half dozen guys sitting around on couches and upholstered chairs, upstairs above a bar, in the quiet area, talking about Bitcoin. There we were, shootin' the poo poo about Mt. Gox, and the subpoenas, and mining difficulty, and all this nerd stuff.
A girl and two guys in their early twenties show up to play pool. They can hear us babbling on, as they rack the balls and take a few shots. All of the sudden the young, cute girl looks over, and stares. She's trying to figure out what our conversation is about.
The Bitcoin group bounces ideas back and forth, with animation. She listens more intently. Finally she approaches, and says "Is this the Bitcoin meeting? I heard you guys were meeting."
That was NOT what I expected.

Dex posted:

some weirdo writing fanfic about his night out.

Dex posted:

Reposting from bitcoin thread:

quote:

(I’m in line in a coffee shop. The barista is a petite young girl, with very noticeable burn scars all over one side of her face. I’m standing right behind the current customer, waiting for him to finish ordering.)

Customer: *upon seeing the scars* “Holy f***! What the f*** is wrong with you?”

Barista: “It’s… it’s a long story.”

Customer: “I want someone else to make my f****** coffee! You shouldn’t even be allowed in public!”

(The customer goes on like this for a good twenty seconds, while the poor girl is visibly shaken and close to tears. I tap him on the shoulder and speak up.)

Me: “I’d suggest you kindly f*** off, mate, before I break you in half.”

Customer: “Now just who the f*** do you think you are?”

(He turns around and evidently forgets how to talk for a moment, after he sees me towering over him. I spend most of my days carrying heavy stuff, and look the part.)

Barista: “He’s my boyfriend. And he doesn’t like it when people treat me like that.”

Me: “D*** right I don’t. You know, mate, every scar is a story. And if you don’t get out of here this instant, you’ll have a few more to tell.”

(The customer practically sprints out of the shop.)

Barista: “Thank you so much.”

Me: “I’m your ‘boyfriend?’ Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

(There really was a rather interesting story about her scars. We got engaged last month.)

outlier posted:

How do NAR / NAW / etc. make their money? Is it through advertising?

Because I've thought of a STDH type site that isn't covered as yet and may quite popular ...

Lottery of Babylon posted:

Whoever was asking if "And then we got married" is a reference to a specific stdh: it isn't, it's a reference to all of them.

moerketid posted:

It always irritates me that it has to be a "cute petite girl" in stories like this. Not a "plump homely girl" or "tall lanky girl" or any other possible combination of dozens of basic bodytypes or descriptors. It implies that stdh authors are assholes who would only help or give a poo poo about something happening to a cute petite girl, and also that cute petite girls are obviously delicate little flowers with no will of their own, whose lips tremble if you look at them and say boo, and who always need a man to save them. Variant: the asskicking martial arts cute petite girl invented by the "watches too many animes" stdh author - specifically created because she's meant to be the previous type of cute petite girl, so it's a total shock twist. It's nauseating on so many levels.

quote:

(I have ordered a small fry and vanilla milkshake, and am waiting for it to be ready.)

Cashier: “Small vanilla latte, small french fry!”

(I waits for the person who ordered that to step up and take it.)

Cashier: “Hey, this is yours.”

Me: “Oh? I ordered a small fry and a vanilla milkshake.”

Cashier: “No. You said latte.”

Me: “Oh, no, I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. I really don’t like coffee, and I can’t drink it. I wanted a vanilla milkshake.”

Cashier: “You said latte.”

Me: “Um… no, I’m sorry. Can I have a milkshake?”

Cashier: “You said latte.”

Me: “No, I didn’t. I don’t like coffee. Can I please have a milkshake?”

(The manager comes over when he sees what’s going on.)

Manager: “Is everything alright?”

Me: “Yeah, I just wanted—”

Cashier: “She ordered a latte!”

Me: “No, I didn’t! I don’t like coffee! I’m sorry for the misunderstanding, again, but I really wanted a vanilla shake!”

Manager: *to cashier* “Did you charge her for a latte?”

Cashier: “Yes, because she ordered a latte.”

Manager: *to me* “Sorry about that. Milkshakes are a little more expensive than lattes. Do you mind paying the extra if I switch it out for you?”

Me: “Not at all.”

Cashier: “But… she ordered a latte!”

Manager: *ignores cashier* “It’ll be [price] instead, ma’am.”

Me: “Okay, thank you.”

Cashier: “But she ordered a latte!”

Manager: “Here’s your milkshake!”

Me: “Thank you! Have a nice day!”

(As I hurry out of the place, I hear the cashier start shouting “SHE ORDERED A LATTE! YOU ORDERED A LATTE!” I’ve not gone into a fast food restaurant to order since!)

quote:

Manager: “Is everything alright?”

Me: “Yeah, I just wanted—”

Cashier: “She ordered a latte!”

crowfeathers posted:

shit_that_didn't_happen.txt: SHE ORDERED A LATTE YOU ORDERED A LATTE

crowfeathers posted:

shit_that_didn't_happen.txt: SHE ORDERED A LATTE YOU ORDERED A LATTE

crowfeathers posted:

shit_that_didn't_happen.txt: SHE ORDERED A LATTE YOU ORDERED A LATTE

A Different Kind of Golden Shower posted:

Butter jaccuzi
Using a throwaway because I know that the boss mentioned below is a Redditor.

Back in 2008, I worked for a Red Lobster in Michigan. The guy who ran it was extremely wealthy, and definitely a little mentally “different". Let’s call him “Rick". Nobody knew for sure what Rick used to do that made him so rich, because there was no way in hell our Red Lobster restaurant was pulling in enough money to make him that rich. The pay there was amazing because of him. Nobody there made less than $50 an hour. And on top of that we had health care benefits and 28 days of vacation a year. Our Red Lobster would have gone out of business long ago if the funds for all of that was coming from the profits, because our restaurant just wasn’t doing so well. We all knew it was because of Rick. The Red Lobster we worked at was one of the best in the state in terms of quality but it was in a bad area, so we didn’t get that many customers.

It really was a dream job. Rick truly cared about each and every one of us. Although the job application was intense (I felt like I was being interrogated for treason), once I was “in", I was family, as mafia-ish as that sounds. I worked as a server, bringing orders from the customers and bringing food to them. For the money and benefits I was receiving, it was the best job I had ever had.

But…there was one catch. Remember how I said that my boss was a bit mentally “different"? He had a bit of a “fetish" for the butter sauce. At the end of each work day, he would randomly ask three of the employees to stay overtime for a few hours. The overtime pay was double what regular pay was. After the place was locked up and the kitchen shut off, he brought us into the back. He had set up a room specifically for his fetish. There was a cleansing chemical shower in one corner which he used to remove anything dirty from his body. He would strip down and go into it. Then he would walk to the middle of the room where he had set up a Jacuzzi filled with the Red Lobster butter sauce. This was the sauce that we had in the kitchen, and it was the same sauce that went back into the kitchen. Because, why waste the sauce if something completely clean went into it, right? ಠ_ಠ

It was the job of the employees he had spend overtime to fill up the tub, and then empty it and put all the butter back into the barrels they came in. One employee would stay in with the naked Rick in the buttercuzzi while another stood guard at the door. After he was done, Rick would “cleanse" himself against, and leave while we put all the butter back and locked the place up.

We were never told not to tell anyone, because it was obvious what would happen if somebody did. We would lose our amazing job with the best pay/benefits for our level of work in the whole state. But all good things come to an end, and we were all fired in July of 2011. We’re not sure why, but we noticed Rick becoming more and more agitated in the months leading up to it. He was always different and none of us dared ask him why.

TL;DR Best job EVER, nucking futs boss bathed in the butter sauce everybody ate.

sharktamer posted:

Please tell me that was posted somewhere recently. We've had that one a while back, I'd love to see proof that someone was recycling and therefore, it was double fake.

quote:

August 13, 2012 (KellyClinger.com) - Wednesday is late term abortion day at Orlando Women’s Center (the clinic where I had my abortions 12 years ago). When I first started visiting the sidewalks of abortion clinics to pray and minister, I had no idea that late term abortions were even legal. I remember hearing about the Partial Birth Abortion Ban in 2007 and assumed (like most) that this stopped abortions late in a woman’s pregnancy.

Shock can’t even begin to describe my feeling when I first counseled on late term day. “These girls are so pregnant,” I kept thinking to myself. Of course that’s silly since there’s no such thing as being a “little pregnant”, but I couldn’t get over the size of their beautiful bellies so full of life. These women have felt their babies kick. Many of them even know the sex of the child and this is sometimes the reason for the abortion. These girls have carried these babies for six months. They are more than halfway done!

I just cried and cried. I couldn’t even speak at first. Not only is the size of their bellies overwhelming but the hardness of their hearts is just as shocking. I began to think about family members, friends, and co-workers of these girls who know they are pregnant. Is our society so lacking of accountability that they will return to their lives and no one will think this is a problem?


Click ‘like’ if you want to END ABORTION!

This past Wednesday my friend John posted a picture of a girl who arrived at OWC to abort her twin baby girls. She already had daughters and didn’t want anymore. She was about 20 weeks along, but because she was pregnant with twins, she had a big belly. Within a few hours, the picture went viral. I began to get phone calls and emails from friends who had no idea abortions like these happen. Many offered financial help and many offered to adopt her babies. Thousands of people all of over the world were praying that this girl would change her mind…and thousands were saying the picture was a hoax or that what she was doing was illegal.

I found myself repeating over and over again, “Abortion is legal in America up to the day you give birth.” In fact, in our nation’s capital, there are two doctors who “specialize” in abortions this late in pregnancy. One of those doctors has been working with a suspended license for several years. The Partial Birth Abortion Ban only stopped the use of that procedure late in a woman’s pregnancy. Now, as long as the baby is dismembered before removing him or her from the womb, it’s perfectly legal. Look up the laws in your state. Keep in mind that in any state that has exceptions for the health of the mother, this can mean that if a woman has bad heartburn that’s a threat to her health. A late term abortion starts around $2,000 and can go up to about $15,000 depending on how far along a woman is in her pregnancy.

I’ve been to the Holocaust Museum in Washington, DC. They have piles and piles of hair shaved off of Jews in the concentration camps. They have millions of pairs of shoes belonging to children who were killed simply because they were Jewish. The pictures of thousands of dead bodies piled on top of each other are shocking and appalling. At one point I decided I couldn’t look anymore. I was disgusted that this could happen without a revolution rising to overthrow a government that would accept murder as status quo.

I know it’s controversial to say this, but abortion truly is the holocaust of my generation. What if we had the bodies of 50,000,000 babies piled on top of each other in a museum somewhere? What if we took all of the clothes they will never wear and toys they will never play with and you had to pay to see them? If each of us had to watch a late term abortion, surely there would be a revolution, right?

After the Holocaust ended, German civilians were taken to Buchenwald concentration camp to see the atrocities that happened there. Over and over they were heard saying, “We didn’t know.” Now, because of the internet and social media, we have no excuse for ignorance. The hands of America are covered with blood…perhaps her eyes and ears are covered as well.

The girl I mentioned earlier ended up aborting the twin girls in her womb even though we had every kind of help she would ever need ready for her. She admitted that she didn’t want girls and that she had no compassion for the babies she was carrying. Through a two day process, she actually had to go into labor and deliver her sweet babies into a toilet. Abortions like these happen all over the country every day. I hope that this girl’s picture made many so outraged that they are provoked to do something. When I spend hours on the Planned Parenthood sidewalk alone, I want to cry out “WHERE IS THE CHURCH?”

“America will not reject abortion until America SEES abortion.” - Father Frank Pavone

quote:

(I am a 28-year-old female. I have just parked in a handicapped spot to go grocery shopping. I had surgery on my spine a month prior to this incident. I put my handicapped sticker up and exit my car when a random customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “How dare you!”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Customer: “You should be absolutely ASHAMED of yourself! It’s young people like you who have NO respect for anything! Who do you think you are? Parking in a handicapped spot! You aren’t even handicapped! I bet you stole that from someone, and you are just using it so you won’t have to park farther away!”

Me: “Well, actually ma’am, it’s my handicapped sticker. I—”

Customer: “Yours? You’re perfectly healthy! You shouldn’t lie to people! LIARS GO TO HELL! I can tell just by LOOKING at you that you’re perfectly fine! You’re just lazy.”

(I’m livid, but I try to keep my composure.)

Me: “Actually, it is my handicapped sticker. As I was trying to tell you before you rudely interrupted me and started throwing around assumptions, I have Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Sjogren’s Syndrome, and Degenerative Disk Disease. Furthermore, not all physical disabilities can be readily seen. This is the first time in a month that I’ve been well enough to get out of the house on my own since having my spinal fusion surgery last month. Next time, you should think before you speak, instead of just making random asinine assumptions about people you don’t know.”

(The customer looks like a deer in the headlights. She turns bright red, and continues to mumble as she walks away. I get my shopping done, and see her as I’m checking out. Surprisingly, she apologizes profusely, and offers to help me load my groceries into my car.)

Mayo Clinic posted:

Sjogren's (SHOW-grins) syndrome is a disorder of your immune system identified by its two most common symptoms — dry eyes and a dry mouth.

Sjogren's syndrome often accompanies other immune-system disorders, such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. In Sjogren's syndrome, the mucous membranes and moisture-secreting glands of your eyes and mouth are usually affected first — resulting in decreased production of tears and saliva.

Although you can develop Sjogren's syndrome at any age, most people are older than 40 at the time of diagnosis. The condition is much more common in women. Treatment focuses on relieving symptoms, which often subside with time.