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mrnoun
Jul 24, 2007
I'll offer 1976 Tommy John and 2008 B.J. Ryan, in return for your draft pick and not having to have B.J. Ryan on my team anymore.

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Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.



I have BJ Ryan. He has value?

Pash
Sep 10, 2009

The First of the Adorable Dead

Pander posted:

I have BJ Ryan. He has value?

The best answer I can give, having looked at the goon stats, is... Maybe?

bawfuls
Oct 28, 2009

So, I'm seeing offers for a few starting pitchers that are roughly on par with the back three of my current rotation, a few backup infielders, but neither of those options are paired with any bullpen help that's better than what I can get with the pick, and no one can give me multiple bullpen guys that are close to the best on the board.



From each according to his ability, and to each according to his need! The People's Team needs a modern relief pitcher and have the ability to take one. With the 38th pick in the draft, the Cosmobats select Joakim Soria '09.

DannoMack and the Lake Louise Longshots are up.

Ginge
Sep 8, 2011

Well, Chippy is already my favourite character!

CVE posted:

Good question. A 4th round pick maybe? Or make me an offer otherwise. I think we can find something.

Would my second round Super-Draft pick be enough?

Pash
Sep 10, 2009

The First of the Adorable Dead
If anyone is interested in any of the things I offered to the last couple of people on the clock I would like to trade for a 3rd or 4th round pick. I'm not going to be on the IRC for a while today but I should be back in the evening.

CVE
Jan 27, 2012

gingemidget posted:

Would my second round Super-Draft pick be enough?

Yeah agreed. So let's make it official



:siren:Trade:siren:


Nürnberg Gravediggers get

2nd round Super Draft Pick

Walney Rakers get

1995 Bryan Harvey

CVE fucked around with this message at 15:27 on Aug 22, 2013

Ginge
Sep 8, 2011

Well, Chippy is already my favourite character!
Approved, meaning that for the third straight season the Rakers will not be using their second round Super-Draft pick.

DannoMack
Aug 1, 2003

i love it when you call me big poppa
Aw man Bagwell went. I can't get the doc to open on my phone. How does the SP / DH situation look? I remember Carl Mays is still there but I don't recall the DH options.

CVE
Jan 27, 2012
For DH there are poeple like Old Man Musial, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Lance Berkman, Sam Crawford and others. One of the first three is probably the best bet but then again I could be wrong.

As for SP besides Mays you got Eddie Plank, Kevin Brown, young Gibson, Steve Carlton and Randy Johnson as probably the best ones remaining.

Paul Zuvella
Dec 7, 2011

DannoMack posted:

Aw man Bagwell went. I can't get the doc to open on my phone. How does the SP / DH situation look? I remember Carl Mays is still there but I don't recall the DH options.

Hello! Your good friends at the Plunder Corp. have a deal for you! We can offer you 1988 Rafael palmeiro, a 1B/LF/DH type, 1946 Mel Ott, who even in his old age can rake right handed pitching in the DH slot, and 1941 THE Thorton Lee, Super league hero and SP, all for the low, low price of your third round pick!

e: Wrong year old Lee!

Paul Zuvella fucked around with this message at 17:53 on Aug 22, 2013

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.



DannoMack posted:

Aw man Bagwell went. I can't get the doc to open on my phone. How does the SP / DH situation look? I remember Carl Mays is still there but I don't recall the DH options.

I have one 32 y/o Mo Vaughn. Pretty much demolished EC, .300/.379 with 23 HR.

mrnoun
Jul 24, 2007

DannoMack posted:

Aw man Bagwell went. I can't get the doc to open on my phone. How does the SP / DH situation look? I remember Carl Mays is still there but I don't recall the DH options.

1976 Tommy John and 1976 Steve Garvey for the pick?

mentholmoose
Nov 5, 2009

YKNOW THERES ONLY ONE DIRECTION I KNOW AND THATS DRIVIN STRAIGHT TO THE NET
I have a younger Mo Vaughn than Pander does, the '95 version, who hit 33 HR's for me in EC IX. I'll even throw in '36 Waite Hoyt and '95 Tim Wakefield, just for the pick.

Ice To Meet You
Mar 5, 2007

SUPER-SQUAD UPDATE:

You are all terrible. Well, the pitchers, anyway. I think it's slowly starting to turn around but without Marauder, this team would be contending for the #1 draft pick.

Here are the last few innings of our latest game - can we actually pull off a victory? Or will this one end in tears just like all the rest?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPrk_Bm2iVM


STATS:

pre:
Name		G	AB	H	2B	3B	HR	R	RBI	BB	SO	 AVG	 OBP	 SLG	 OPS	SB	CS
Marauder	38	164	53	9	1	7	26	28	13	34	.323	.376	.518	.894	4	1
BWFC		36	154	52	6	2	1	18	13	12	23	.338	.383	.422	.805	2	0
mks5000		36	142	36	4	0	4	19	20	13	27	.254	.323	.366	.689	1	0
Toilet		31	139	40	13	1	3	17	14	5	24	.288	.313	.460	.773	0	0
GVOLTT		38	112	25	5	1	3	14	16	10	29	.223	.288	.366	.654	6	3
gingemidget	31	111	29	3	2	5	14	16	10	25	.261	.328	.459	.787	0	0
theacox		32	108	25	6	0	5	19	19	8	28	.231	.291	.426	.717	0	0
GGN		31	103	30	3	0	0	9	9	5	13	.291	.333	.320	.653	6	4
m. moose	33	90	25	2	0	0	14	5	8	18	.278	.343	.300	.643	0	0
kw0134		30	77	20	7	0	4	9	18	10	15	.260	.337	.506	.843	0	0
Rev Thresh	19	55	15	4	0	1	7	6	4	9	.273	.322	.400	.722	0	1
McFreeze	16	47	7	1	0	0	5	2	8	9	.149	.273	.170	.443	0	0
DannoMack	20	41	11	1	2	2	7	7	3	11	.268	.340	.537	.877	1	3
Cthulhu		8	25	6	1	0	3	6	7	3	4	.240	.321	.640	.961	0	0
tadashi		6	17	7	2	0	2	4	4	2	3	.412	.474	.882   1.356	2	0
Monicro		3	4	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	1	.000	.000	.000	.000	0	0
CVE		1	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.000	.000	.000	.000	1	0
TOTAL		38	1389	381	67	9	40	188	184	114	273	.274	.334	.422	.756	23	12
pre:
Name		G	IP	W	L	ERA	WHIP	K	BB	HLD	SV	BS
UDQ		8	46.2	3	4	3.09	1.35	41	14	0	0	0
mrnoun		8	44.2	2	3	5.44	1.68	38	16	0	0	0
Armitage	8	44.2	2	2	4.84	1.61	32	24	0	0	0
Pander		7	33.1	2	2	6.21	1.59	19	11	0	0	0
blake		7	32.1	0	3	5.57	1.73	26	13	0	0	0
Moose Loose	22	21.1	2	1	3.80	1.27	15	9	5	0	1
Monathin	21	20.2	0	2	5.66	1.31	16	2	2	0	1
oldskool	15	20.2	1	2	3.05	1.21	18	5	0	7	1
Beet		14	20.1	3	0	3.98	1.52	21	5	1	0	0
Pash		19	19	1	1	6.16	1.63	19	7	1	0	1
Zodiac5000	7	15.1	0	0	1.76	0.78	15	4	1	1	0
CraigK		3	4	0	1	6.75	2.00	3	1	1	0	0
GrickleGrass	4	3	0	0	0.00	0.67	0	0	0	0	1
TOTAL		38	326	16	21	4.61	1.48	263	111	11	8	5
GrickleGrass won the AL Pitcher of the Week last week! Unfortunately, that award doesn't really exist. But a good effort, nonetheless.

Pash
Sep 10, 2009

The First of the Adorable Dead
Best I could offer would be Ortiz/Canseco and Josh Beckett both 2010. I could throw in one or two of the following relievers if you are hurting: Old Lee Smith, Mike Remlinger, Jeff Shaw, Roberto Hernandez. Otherwise I have some older outfielders that make for good depth like Eric Davis or J.D. Drew. Davis won't get a great BA but hits homers pretty well. I also have the corpse of Wade Boggs, who, while lacking power, should still be able to make good contact. If this interests you I will be checking the thread and be on the IRC.

tadashi
Feb 20, 2006

Mr. Cool Ice posted:

SUPER-SQUAD UPDATE:

You are all terrible. Well, the pitchers, anyway. I think it's slowly starting to turn around but without Marauder, this team would be contending for the #1 draft pick.

Here are the last few innings of our latest game - can we actually pull off a victory? Or will this one end in tears just like all the rest?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPrk_Bm2iVM


STATS:

pre:
Name		G	AB	H	2B	3B	HR	R	RBI	BB	SO	 AVG	 OBP	 SLG	 OPS	SB	CS
Marauder	38	164	53	9	1	7	26	28	13	34	.323	.376	.518	.894	4	1
BWFC		36	154	52	6	2	1	18	13	12	23	.338	.383	.422	.805	2	0
mks5000		36	142	36	4	0	4	19	20	13	27	.254	.323	.366	.689	1	0
Toilet		31	139	40	13	1	3	17	14	5	24	.288	.313	.460	.773	0	0
GVOLTT		38	112	25	5	1	3	14	16	10	29	.223	.288	.366	.654	6	3
gingemidget	31	111	29	3	2	5	14	16	10	25	.261	.328	.459	.787	0	0
theacox		32	108	25	6	0	5	19	19	8	28	.231	.291	.426	.717	0	0
GGN		31	103	30	3	0	0	9	9	5	13	.291	.333	.320	.653	6	4
m. moose	33	90	25	2	0	0	14	5	8	18	.278	.343	.300	.643	0	0
kw0134		30	77	20	7	0	4	9	18	10	15	.260	.337	.506	.843	0	0
Rev Thresh	19	55	15	4	0	1	7	6	4	9	.273	.322	.400	.722	0	1
McFreeze	16	47	7	1	0	0	5	2	8	9	.149	.273	.170	.443	0	0
DannoMack	20	41	11	1	2	2	7	7	3	11	.268	.340	.537	.877	1	3
Cthulhu		8	25	6	1	0	3	6	7	3	4	.240	.321	.640	.961	0	0
tadashi		6	17	7	2	0	2	4	4	2	3	.412	.474	.882   1.356	2	0
Monicro		3	4	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	1	.000	.000	.000	.000	0	0
CVE		1	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.000	.000	.000	.000	1	0
TOTAL		38	1389	381	67	9	40	188	184	114	273	.274	.334	.422	.756	23	12
pre:
Name		G	IP	W	L	ERA	WHIP	K	BB	HLD	SV	BS
UDQ		8	46.2	3	4	3.09	1.35	41	14	0	0	0
mrnoun		8	44.2	2	3	5.44	1.68	38	16	0	0	0
Armitage	8	44.2	2	2	4.84	1.61	32	24	0	0	0
Pander		7	33.1	2	2	6.21	1.59	19	11	0	0	0
blake		7	32.1	0	3	5.57	1.73	26	13	0	0	0
Moose Loose	22	21.1	2	1	3.80	1.27	15	9	5	0	1
Monathin	21	20.2	0	2	5.66	1.31	16	2	2	0	1
oldskool	15	20.2	1	2	3.05	1.21	18	5	0	7	1
Beet		14	20.1	3	0	3.98	1.52	21	5	1	0	0
Pash		19	19	1	1	6.16	1.63	19	7	1	0	1
Zodiac5000	7	15.1	0	0	1.76	0.78	15	4	1	1	0
CraigK		3	4	0	1	6.75	2.00	3	1	1	0	0
GrickleGrass	4	3	0	0	0.00	0.67	0	0	0	0	1
TOTAL		38	326	16	21	4.61	1.48	263	111	11	8	5
GrickleGrass won the AL Pitcher of the Week last week! Unfortunately, that award doesn't really exist. But a good effort, nonetheless.

When you molded me after Don Kelly, did you check the box for "2011 post-season hero" Don Kelly?

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.





I'll trade Dannomack 98 Jeff Bagwell and 00 Garret Anderson for his #39 pick and 80 Andre Dawson.

I must select all the players in the draft! Even if I don't keep them!

Also: God I suck.

DannoMack
Aug 1, 2003

i love it when you call me big poppa

Pander posted:



I'll trade Dannomack 98 Jeff Bagwell and 00 Garret Anderson for his #39 pick and 80 Andre Dawson.

I must select all the players in the draft! Even if I don't keep them!

Also: God I suck.

I'll take it

edit: or I approve or whatever official thing i have to say to make this go through

ToiletofSadness
Mar 27, 2010

Mr. Cool Ice posted:

SUPER-SQUAD UPDATE:
Oh, god no, I'm basically Joe Mauer. The local sport writers are going to call me all sorts of esoteric slurs like "cake eater".

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.



DannoMack posted:

I'll take it

edit: or I approve or whatever official thing i have to say to make this go through

I think that'll do it! Bagwell and Anderson are yours. Mr. Dawson, please ensure your knees stay in proper working order!

And welcome to the team of winners, Mr. Launch Ballman, 2007!

Pash
Sep 10, 2009

The First of the Adorable Dead
Archie Goodwin on the clock!

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.



18:05 mksPhone Draft Ballman and complete the most lateral trade in superleague hisory
18:05 Pander haha
18:05 RevenantT And give Smasher something to write about for that obit
18:05 Pander hahaha
18:05 Pander I'm having fun
18:06 mksPhone And isn't that was he super league is all about??
18:06 RevenantT That sounds like the laugh of madness

DannoMack
Aug 1, 2003

i love it when you call me big poppa
Am I allowed to use players from my feeder teams in the SL whom I didn't use in the EC?

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.



DannoMack posted:

Am I allowed to use players from my feeder teams in the SL whom I didn't use in the EC?

Sure are. After the draft ends, you can put any players under your control/in your feeders to make your 30-man roster. I'll probably be adding a few guys I didn't put in my EC roster on my SL roster.

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.



I made a roster spreadsheet for my team on gdocs that's viewable.

The bottom-left has my 'trade bait' section, players I'm not expecting to see much burn. Some names carry weight, like Mat Latos, Luke Gregerson, Edward Mujica, Ernesto Frieri, etc. I'm clearly not afraid to trade so lemme know if you want a flier.

Paul Zuvella
Dec 7, 2011



Well guys, it's almost it. This is the last trade offer we at the Plunder Corp are going to go after for this entire draft.
Exciting, right?

Well, there are really only 2 guys we want in this entire draft, and at this point we are willing to overpay for a pick that let's us get at them. That being said, we are looking to move up to the closes available pick, and we are offering:

Pick #52
1988 Rafael Palmeiro
1933 Judy Johnson

Shore up your depth, and you still get a pick! Inquire via the thread, PMs, or Irc.

Paul Zuvella fucked around with this message at 03:02 on Aug 23, 2013

Smasher Dynamo
Oct 16, 2008

Eternal Commissioner of the Super League. A new avatar. A new age, of the same old embittered Smasher that failed to escape the bonds of the SL, FM3, Johnny Hopp and Eri Yoshida "The Knuckle Princess". "The flames of Smasher's ire scorch the skies... Igniting St. Bellhorn's funeral pyre."


Owner: ManifunkDestiny
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Home Grounds: Citizen's Bank Ballpark
Founded: Super-League X
Disestablished: Super-League X

Teams Used
1981 Philadelphia Phillies
1993 Atlanta Braves
1947 Philadelphia Phillies

Honors
-None-

Obit

Okay, you know what? I've got nothing! Nothing! And to celebrate that, here's a list of seven sports teams that should be wiped off the face of the Earth.




1. Jacksonville Jaguars (NFL)

Primary Causes of Awfulness: Jacksonville is a tiny market, any football fans in the area have already had their football hunger sated by the University of Florida, and also teal is a lovely color.

Okay, this one takes some explanation. It's the early 90's! The NFL is booming! But the league hasn't expanded since 1977! So, clearly, it was time to create a couple of new teams. So, where to put a new team? St. Louis, which had a long history of supporting, albeit with mixed success, sports teams? Baltimore, which was still smarting from the loss of the Colts about a decade prior?

Nope! Instead of putting a team where people would actually pay to go see them, the NFL plunked a team down in Jacksonville, which is technically the most populous city in Florida, but only because they had annexed the entire county surrounding Jacksonville into a unified city/county government in 1968. In reality, Jacksonville is a tiny market, and Florida already had two other teams by the time the Jags were established, meaning that, at best, the Jaguars would only be able to draw their fans from Northern Florida, which is A) the least populous part of the state, and B) populated almost entirely by hicks more interested in watching college football. As a result, they are blacked out almost every home game, because they just don't have the population base necessary to sell out their stadium on a regular basis.

In terms of on-field success, the Jaguars happened to enter the league right as the hard salary cap was instituted, allowing them to build a playoff-ready team in only their second season of existence, but they never advanced past the AFC Championship Game, and have won only one playoff game since the new millennium began.

Simply put, there is nothing worth saving.





2. Phoenix Coyotes (NHL)

Primary Causes of Awfulness: There is no ice in Phoenix and, technically speaking, there are no Phoenix Coyotes in Phoenix either.

In the 90s, the NHL was obsessed with expanding the league footprint, and aggressively expanded and relocated franchises to the American South, despite hockey having no history in that region. The thinking was that this would be necessary to make the NHL a truly "national sport", which would increase the rights fees the NHL could charge networks. That was a passable idea in theory, but only if you assume that the NHL was also in possession of a magical drug that would force any who imbibed to love the sport of hockey with all their heart, and to ne'er betray that affection, even in times of hardship and cruelty.

Sadly, that drug never made it past animal trials.

As part of that effort, the Winnipeg Jets were moved to Phoenix in 1996, and became the Coyotes. There were a couple of problems with this particular move, though. First, no one in Phoenix really gave a poo poo about hockey except for people who had grown up in colder climes, and they all already had teams they supported. More problematically, though, the people of Phoenix did not understand the very concept of ice, as they lived in a hellish landscape devoid of any form of water, let alone ice. The NHL did what they could, launching an expensive public outreach program to try and educate the people of Phoenix on the nature and properties of ice, but it was all for naught. At the ribbon-cutting for the stadium, the mayor of Glendale expressed his own confusion on the subject, bidding the dignitaries in attendance to:

Mayor of Glendale posted:

I welcome you to our new arena, and ask you to enjoy this marvelous spectacle of what I like to call "rock water", which, instead of normal water, is hard like a rock, and creates an odd sensation in your flesh when touched. One of the Northern-Men has told me that this is called "cold", which he describes as the opposite of "hot". This man lied to me. There is no opposite of "hot", we here in Arizona know that "hot" is the only state of being that is. I killed this man for his lies, sent him to the great strip of macadam where the midday sun cooked the flesh from his bones. NO MORE WILL I HEAR LIES OF "COLD!" Excuse me, I have let my temper get the best of me. Please, enter this magic stadium, with its smooth and clear rock water rink. It truly is a modern marvel.

Amazingly, the people of Phoenix have never warmed up much to the sport of hockey, not even when Raffi Torres attempted to murder Marian Hossa during the 2012 Stanley Cup Playoffs.




3. Tampa Bay Rays (MLB)

Primary Cause of Awfulness: lovely Stadium, lovely fans, lovely city. Fine team, though!

Oh, I can almost hear Monicro whining now. "But Smasher," he'll cry, "The Rays are a good team, and if they just had a better stadium-" And that is where I stop him, putting a single finger to my lips to silence him and then, in my most reasonable tone, explain that they will never get a new stadium.

Which is not technically true. In fact, the Rays' lease in the Tropicana Dome will expire in 2027. So only fourteen more years to go! How did this happen? Well, in the late '80s, the cities of Tampa and St. Petersburg decided that they really wanted a baseball team of their own, and so started work on a state-of-the-art stadium to lure an existing franchise to the Tampa Bay area. The White Sox were their first target, as Comiskey Park had grown old, and the Cubs would always rule the city of Chicago. At the last minute though, the Illinois State Legislature decided to authorize a new stadium for the Pale Hose on condition that the new stadium be sterile and utterly lacking in any charm whatsoever. The Sox agreed, and U.S. Cellular Field was born!

The leaders of Tampa and St. Petersburg were stymied, but hardly defeated. They next turned their attention to the San Francisco Giants, whose Candlestick Park was also considered a poor facility. The owner of the Giants was tempted, and even agreed to move, only to be foiled by the other National League owners, who realized the folly of such a move.

The people of Tampa Bay grew restless. Their great dome stood vacant, and their leaders' promises rang hollow. But fate can be fickle, and, just when things looked darkness, the American League decided that they might as well place an expansion team in St. Petersburg, even though no American League owner had even the slightest enthusiasm for the move.

Finally, Tampa had its team, and, eager to ensure their team would remain for the foreseeable future, prevailed on the ownership of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays to sign a 30-year lease to play at the Tropicana Dome. The owners, not being the most forward-thinking of men, quickly agreed. And that is the origin of the Rays' woes.

But the Tropicana Dome was a truly miserable place. No sun could pierce its dome, and its turf was as hard as rock. Catwalks cluttered the ceiling. The people of Tampa stayed far way from this cursed place. The Rays' ownership, desperate to save their team, begged the mayor of St. Petersburg to let them leave the dome, to give them release, to free them to a brighter future. But the mayor's heart was hard, and he simply laughed. The Rays would be held to the terms of their lease. They would play in the Tropicana Dome. Forever.




4. Florida Panthers (NHL)

Primary Cause for Awfulness: Miami no understand hockey!

Some people, bad people mostly, will tell you that Miami is underrated as a sports town. They are wrong.

I'm not here to talk about the Miami Heat. Like almost every real basketball fan, I hate them. I hate the way ESPN dotes on them. I hate the way casual fans have jumped on their bandwagon. I hate the fact that everyone ignores that their three stars flagrantly broke the rules of the Collective Bargaining Agreement and colluded with each other so that they would all end up in Miami. I truly, truly, truly hate that team.

I'm not here to talk about the Miami Marlins, either. In a way, they are worse than the Heat. The Marlins, as near as I can tell, exist for the sole purpose of creating sorrow for Cubs fans. I don't want to go through what happened in that game. I know that there are many of you who would tell me and my fellow Cubs fans to get over it. We'd like to, we really would, but, at this point, our post-season drought has reached such epic proportions that there is literally not a single one of us who can remember the last time the Cubs won the World Series. And in the ten years since the horror of Game Six, the Cubs have lost eight straight playoffs games. When there's no positive, you can't help but dwell on the negative.

But I'm not here to talk about either of those teams because, even though I detest both, at least they've accomplished things of note in their short lives. No, I'm here to talk about the Florida Panthers. I bet most of you have forgotten that they ever existed. Amazingly, they did actually make the Stanley Cup Finals one year, but they got swept, and no one remembers that series anyway.

When you think of the Panthers, you think of nothing. Oblivion suits them.




5. Arizona Cardinals (NFL)

Primary Cause of Awfulness: Five decades of incompetent management.

I can sum up the Cardinals' problems with this one actual exchange from Super Bowl XLIII, where the Cardinals, to the astonishment of everyone on the planet, actually led the game in the closing moments of the fourth quarter:

AL MICHAELS: Cardinals now up 23-20 thanks to an incredible comeback.
JOHN MADDEN: I'm scared Al, the Cardinals winning the Super Bowl? It's not right! It's not right at all!
AL: I know, John, and we're all praying that Ben Roethlisberger can lead the Steelers to a win in these last two minutes.
JOHN: I think I speak for all of America when I say that if Roethlisberger can save us from this nightmare, that we will excuse any future transgressions on his part.
AL: The Cardinals' winning would certainly appear to be a most unholy work, and thus a sign of dark times for our nation.
JOHN: That's right, and Ben, I want to make this clear, when I say any transgression, I mean any transgression. You save us from the Cardinals, you can do whatever you want, and we'll back your play.
AL: The Cardinals, of course, known for their decades of futility.
JOHN: I've been around the league for five decades, Al, and in all my years, I thought the Cardinals were just a filler team, like the Washington Generals, to keep the schedules balanced and all that. I never thought they were a real team. I mean, they don't even have any fans!
AL: That's true, John, in fact, it appears from our vantage point that the Cardinals' fan section is populated mainly by St. Louis Cardinals fans who had, evidently, been somewhat confused, and must have thought the Cards had someone qualified for the Super Bowl despite it being an entirely different sport.
JOHN: Well, the St. Louis Cardinals fans, they're the best fans in baseball.
AL: That they are.

Anyway, the Steelers came back to win, and our great national nightmare was averted. But for how long? The Arizona Cardinals claim to be the oldest franchise in football. Setting aside the questionable nature of that claim, we should instead marvel in awe that a franchise this old could have so little history. The Cardinals have no real rivals. For decades, they were in the same division with the Eagles, Redskins, Giants and Cowboys, four franchises that hate each other and yet...none of those teams, nor their fans, give a single poo poo about the Cardinals.

I don't think a single person on the planet hates the Cardinals, and yet, I'm reasonably sure that if the Cardinals actually won the Super Bowl, we would all somehow feel as if something terribly wrong had just happened.




6. Milwaukee Bucks (NBA)

Primary Cause of Awfulness: Malaise

Listen, I don't want to come down too hard on the Bucks. Milwaukee isn't a bad sports town. But the Bucks?

The only great moment in franchise history was that one year in the early '70s when Kareem Abdul-Jabbar led the Bucks to the NBA Championship. And then Abdul-Jabbar demanded a trade out of Milwaukee three seconds later. (Note: This might have actually been four years later).

Since then, the Bucks have usually been decent, but they've never been great, either, and they have no chance in hell of ever landing a marquee free agent because...well, Milwaukee.

Also, the last time they had a #1 pick, in 2005, they used it on a giant Australian who turned out to be super-fragile. Clearly, they're not even trying any more.

Unlike the rest of the teams on this list, I don't want to kill the Bucks out of spite, I want to give them a dignified death. Is that so wrong?





7. Columbus Blue Jackets (NHL)

Primary Cause of Awfulness: Columbus? They put a team in Columbus?

My only explanation for Gary Bettman, Commissioner of the NHL, was traveling through the country in the early '90s, scouting new places that he could force Canadian teams to relocate to. On his way to Memphis, he stopped overnight in Columbus, and, weary after a day of driving down the highway, decided to head to the hotel bar to have a beer or two and relax. As he sat in the bar, a pretty redhead caught his eye, and one thing led to another.

The next morning, Bettman cursed himself, he was a married man! But from the moment he saw Janine, it was love. She was still asleep, and he stared at her slumbering form. He knew he had to leave because if she woke, she looked at him just once with those blue eyes, he would never be able to leave. Stealthily making his escape, he felt the sour combination of shame and heartbreak.

For three months, that appeared to be the end of the story. He tried to put that night in Columbus out of his mind, tried so hard to forget. But the experience had shaken him deeply. Still, bit by bit, he was get back to normality. His wife was known the wiser. For better or worse, he was also a good liar, and he knew, in time, he would get past this.

One night, though, he found out differently. He was looking over plans for the Whalers' relocation in his office. A team in the Carolinas will help shore up the Southern tier he thought, when suddenly, his phone rang. "Gary, we need to talk." It was Janine. Gary Bettman began to panic, his heart beating out of his chest. He had put her behind him, and now she was back.

"Janine? This...uh...isn't a good time." Gary stammered. Maybe he wasn't such a great liar after all.

"Gary, I'm three months along, and it's yours." Gary's world shattered. If this got out, he'd be ruined. But no, Gary knew that was not the real source of his anguish. It would be child's play for a man in his position to cover this up. A child support settlement, a non-disclosure agreement, this would all go away. In his heart, though, he knew that wasn't the real problem. He didn't want Janine to go away forever, he wanted to be with her.

But that was impossible. The revelation of the affair would destroy his reputation, already tarnished after the 1994 strike. He had to figure out some way to be in Janine's life...and his child's, what about him or her? They'd need a father too. But what was he going to do? Keep making trips to Columbus, hoping that no one would ask why he kept going to a small city in the middle of nowhere every few months?

What Gary Bettman needed was to create some reason, some good reason that the Commissioner of the NHL would have to make periodic trips to Columbus for the next decades. But how? A small smile appeared on Gary's face. It was almost too easy.

Now, I'm not saying that the only reason the Blue Jackets exist is to allow Gary Bettman to visit his secret family, but it does seem like the most logical explanation.

Senerio
Oct 19, 2009

Roëmænce is ælive!
:argh: Stop talking poo poo about my team.

tadashi
Feb 20, 2006

Smasher Dynamo posted:





3. Tampa Bay Rays (MLB)

Primary Cause of Awfulness: A rapist, a birther, a homophobe and an anti-semite walk into a bar.... stop me if you've heard this one.

Monicro
Oct 21, 2010

And you could feel his features in the air
A wide smile and perfect hair
He had complete control of the rising tides
And a medicine bag hanging at his side

In the flowing blue world of the death-dealing physician
I SEE HOW IT IS

mrnoun
Jul 24, 2007

mks5000 posted:



Well guys, it's almost it. This is the last trade offer we at the Plunder Corp are going to go after for this entire draft.
Exciting, right?

Well, there are really only 2 guys we want in this entire draft, and at this point we are willing to overpay for a pick that let's us get at them. That being said, we are looking to move up to the closes available pick, and we are offering:

Pick #52
1988 Rafael Palmeiro
1933 Judy Johnson

Shore up your depth, and you still get a pick! Inquire via the thread, PMs, or Irc.


New World Symphony counteroffer:

1976 Steve Garvey
1976 Tommy John
1923 Marty McManus
1923 Charlie Root
The pleasure of knowing you didn't give the pick to Plunder Corp.

theacox
Jun 8, 2010

You can't be serious.
Nice breakdown. Two commments...

Smasher Dynamo posted:


In the 90s, the NHL was obsessed with expanding the league footprint, and aggressively expanded and relocated franchises to the American South, despite hockey having no history in that region. The thinking was that this would be necessary to make the NHL a truly "national sport", which would increase the rights fees the NHL could charge networks.






6. Milwaukee Bucks (NBA)

Primary Cause of Awfulness: Malaise

Listen, I don't want to come down too hard on the Bucks. Milwaukee isn't a bad sports town. But the Bucks?

The only great moment in franchise history was that one year in the early '70s when Kareem Abdul-Jabbar led the Bucks to the NBA Championship. And then Abdul-Jabbar demanded a trade out of Milwaukee three seconds later. (Note: This might have actually been four years later).

Since then, the Bucks have usually been decent, but they've never been great, either, and they have no chance in hell of ever landing a marquee free agent because...well, Milwaukee.

Also, the last time they had a #1 pick, in 2005, they used it on a giant Australian who turned out to be super-fragile. Clearly, they're not even trying any more.

Unlike the rest of the teams on this list, I don't want to kill the Bucks out of spite, I want to give them a dignified death. Is that so wrong?


1. I quit watching the NHL when they took the Northstars out of Minnesota. Sure, I watched a few finals in the last 10 years, but mostly "gently caress you NHL" is how I feel.

2. The Bucks will never be anything other than milquetoast with Herb "Captain Milquetoast" Kohl as owner, and will likely be moved when he dies. Seriously, who the gently caress voted for him for so many years? To the point that he actually had to retire instead of accepting his automatic election??? As the SL's resident Sconnie,I am embarassed.

Pungry
Feb 26, 2011

JUST PICK ONE. ANY ONE.
My gimmick in SAS is that I loving love the Panthers, Coyotes, and Blue Jackets (plus 3 other teams) so this obituary really got to me.

Cthulhu Dreams
Dec 11, 2010

If I pretend to be Cthulhu no one will know I'm a baseball robot.

mks5000 posted:



Well guys, it's almost it. This is the last trade offer we at the Plunder Corp are going to go after for this entire draft.
Exciting, right?

Well, there are really only 2 guys we want in this entire draft, and at this point we are willing to overpay for a pick that let's us get at them. That being said, we are looking to move up to the closes available pick, and we are offering:

Pick #52
1988 Rafael Palmeiro
1933 Judy Johnson

Shore up your depth, and you still get a pick! Inquire via the thread, PMs, or Irc.

We've got a fair bit of flexibility, so if you want to flex the parts we can do that - e.g. if you want an SP or whatever.

blackmongoose
Mar 31, 2011

DARK INFERNO ROOK!
As a counterpoint to everyone being mad about their team being on the list, I'm a little upset that the Timberwolves weren't on there, because there is nothing worth salvaging there. Also, the entire entry could have been a YouTube video of the "KHAAAAAAAAAAAN" scene

Pash
Sep 10, 2009

The First of the Adorable Dead

blackmongoose posted:

As a counterpoint to everyone being mad about their team being on the list, I'm a little upset that the Timberwolves weren't on there, because there is nothing worth salvaging there. Also, the entire entry could have been a YouTube video of the "KHAAAAAAAAAAAN" scene

God the Timberwolves have made so many bad decisions... At least we Minnesotans have the glory of the Lynx.

TheFlyingLlama
Jan 2, 2013

You really think someone would do that? Just go on the internet and be a llama?



I'm kinda surprised the Hurricanes aren't on that list. Yeah, they won a stanley cup, but no one remembers that they exist here in Raleigh either.


Edit: Also, Panther's fans kinda hate the Cardinals. Mainly because it was that 2008 game that basically ruined Jake Delhomme. I mean, we don't hate them like we hate the Falcons, or even the 49ers, but we kinda hate them.

TheFlyingLlama fucked around with this message at 05:04 on Aug 23, 2013

Archie Goodwin
Jan 2, 2012
Using intelligence guided by experience since 1934.

mks5000 posted:

Well, there are really only 2 guys we want in this entire draft, and at this point we are willing to overpay for a pick that let's us get at them. That being said, we are looking to move up to the closes available pick, and we are offering:

Pick #52
1988 Rafael Palmeiro
1933 Judy Johnson

Shore up your depth, and you still get a pick! Inquire via the thread, PMs, or Irc.

If you swap in an SP for Johnson, I'm down.

I always liked the Blue Jackets, if only because they're a failed attempt to flip the bird at SEC good ol' boys who rock the stars-n-bars on their pickups.

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Cthulhu Dreams
Dec 11, 2010

If I pretend to be Cthulhu no one will know I'm a baseball robot.
Mks5000 has gone to bed, but we'll probably be down with this, but the articles of incorporation prohibit me from unilaterally agreeing with the deal, so we'll get back to you.

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