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Castomira posted:High-Powered Washington Fixer Tells Blood-Soaked Obama To Listen Carefully Holy poo poo that last line is amazing. I'm also going to forever link this article in my head with Look, It’s Come Down To This: Either I Have To Murder John Boehner Or He Has To Murder Me
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Oct 8, 2013 10:48
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Castomira posted:High-Powered Washington Fixer Tells Blood-Soaked Obama To Listen Carefully Holy gently caress, this is probably the best Onion article ever somehow Jerusalem posted:Holy poo poo that last line is amazing. especially when combined with this
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Oct 8, 2013 16:12
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There have been two very funny American Voices articles lately: Report: Chicken Nuggets Only 50% Meat Patrick Cavanaugh, Deckhand posted:Little ketchup will fix that right up. Lyndell Thirwell, Drying Oven Tender posted:Did Jerry put you up to this? Because he’s been trying to trick me into eating his poo poo for months. Fanatically Devoted Nerd Could Potentially Turn On Simon Pegg At Any Moment quote:45 seconds from now he could be talking about how, in hindsight, Shaun Of The Dead and Hot Fuzz weren’t all that great. […]he might very well start calling them ‘cheap, hack-job slapstick’ and asking if we’re ‘really still watching Simon Pegg in 2013.’ It will be like his Joss Whedon reversal all over again.
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Oct 8, 2013 19:41
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I Wonder If My Roommate Can Hear My Girlfriend And Me Firing Civil War Cannons I love the weird ones they do
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Oct 8, 2013 19:44
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bilperkins2 posted:I love the weird ones they do It's a metaphor  Poll Shows Majority Of Americans Can’t Blame Congress For The Shutdown, Not With Those Adorable Faces They Can’t
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Oct 8, 2013 19:46
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Castomira posted:High-Powered Washington Fixer Tells Blood-Soaked Obama To Listen Carefully Halfway through reading this one I called "This guy has to be friends with Diamond Joe," and sure enough... This one is double great because it's actually a follow-up. http://www.theonion.com/articles/feces-transplants-help-cure-diarrhea,30950/
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Oct 8, 2013 19:58
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As with all American Voices articles, they're both real stories.  http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/01/16/us-feces-transplant-idUSBRE90F1JM20130116 http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/10/03/poop-pill-c-diff-infection/2915843/
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Oct 8, 2013 20:24
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Robert Denby posted:As with all American Voices articles, they're both real stories. The followup part comes from the ongoing saga of Jerry trying to trick Lyndell.
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Oct 8, 2013 20:51
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Baron von Eevl posted:The followup part comes from the ongoing saga of Jerry trying to trick Lyndell. Please tell me more.
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Oct 9, 2013 03:18
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Hanks Lust Cafe posted:Please tell me more. If only there were a thread about the onion which might have that info. I'm sure you wouldn't have to look far! 
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Oct 9, 2013 05:22
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Ariong posted:If only there were a thread about the onion which might have that info. I'm sure you wouldn't have to look far! Yeah, dog, I can see those two articles. I wanted to know how extensive the Jerry poo poo Saga has been, and I thought this thread about the Onion would be a pretty good place to ask.
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Oct 9, 2013 14:31
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This made me happy Nobel Prize in Chemistry Awarded to Taft Middle School Teacher Mr. Ambler
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Oct 9, 2013 16:44
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May Contain Nuts posted:This made me happy This should kind of actually happen.
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Oct 9, 2013 17:01
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Psychiatrists Deeply Concerned For 5% Of Americans Who Approve Of Congress
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Oct 10, 2013 00:52
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Michelle Obama Opens Up In ‘Marie Claire’: ‘Our Sex Life Has Never Been More Open, More Experimental, More Generous’ I'm amazed how straightfaced it is.
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Oct 10, 2013 01:39
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Washington Redskins Change Their Name To The D.C. Redskins
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Oct 10, 2013 02:21
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Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
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Oct 10, 2013 16:56
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Once again, The Onion has accurately handicapped the race for Nobel Prize for Literature. loving Pathetic John Ashbery Actually Thinks He Has Shot At Nobel Prize In Literature This Year quote:...Ashbery must be living in a total cuckoo fantasyland if he thinks there is even a remote possibility of him beating out U.R. Ananthamurthy or Alice Munro or even Juan loving Goytisolo, for Christ’s sake. Alice Munro Wins Nobel Prize in Literature
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Oct 10, 2013 17:21
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quote:"Because these things tend to run in the family, Jonathan, Patrick, and David Jr. are in a very high risk group," Patterson said. "Realistically, though, there just isn't a whole lot that can be done. After all, that gorilla is still in their basement." The Onion just never stops delivering with those last lines do they?
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Oct 10, 2013 17:57
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Tatum Girlparts posted:The Onion just never stops delivering with those last lines do they? Thank U for Nobbel Prise, Me Happie Now http://www.theonion.com/articles/th...eview:1:Default
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Oct 10, 2013 18:53
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Chipmunk’s Plan For Future Better Crafted Than That Of 8 Out Of 10 Americans
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Oct 10, 2013 19:44
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Robert Denby posted:Mia Farrow: ‘It’s Possible My Son Was Fathered By Frank Sinatra, Mario Puzo, George McGovern, Robert Altman, Anthony Perkins, Milton Berle, Robert Redford, Michael Caine, Danny Aiello, Or Bruce Dern. Or Maybe Francis Ford Coppola, John Cassavetes, Tony Curtis, Dustin Hoffman, Quincy Jones, Sydney Pollack, Joe Mantegna, Liam Neeson, Tom Courtenay, Bob Balaban, Or Even William Hurt' This reminds me of their classic headline about JFK being shot. Some of their old front pages are great. Stalin announces 5-year 'Everybody Dies' Plan Bumper sticker industry applauds Roe v. Wade decision India's Nationalist Leader Pummeled Senseless By Practitioners Of British 'Violence' Movement
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Oct 10, 2013 20:25
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New Pumpkin Spice Channel To Offer Fall-Themed Hardcore Pornography
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Oct 10, 2013 20:59
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MD2020 posted:Once again, The Onion has accurately handicapped the race for Nobel Prize for Literature. The last line is pretty great, because people have been saying that for years and it never happens.
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Oct 11, 2013 00:11
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Leofish posted:This reminds me of their classic headline about JFK being shot. Everything about that one is classic. "Officers found several hundred weapons within a four-block radius of the shooting site, including telescope-sighted Weatherby Magnum rifles, Italian bolt-action 6.5mm carbines, Thompson submachine guns, Russian Kalashnikov assault rifles, and one ray-gun."
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Oct 11, 2013 12:36
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The Onion has been on an absolute roll today. News Website Refers To Users’ Ceaseless Exchange Of Racial Slurs As ‘Discussion’ John Boehner’s Wife Calls For Her Shutdown King To Come Back To Bed Mr. Autumn Man Walking Down Street With Cup Of Coffee, Wearing Sweater Over Plaid Collared Shirt Okay, that last one is from a few days ago, but it had me grinning and laughing like an idiot.
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Oct 14, 2013 19:54
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Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harderquote:In particular, staffers cited Ryan’s strong response to being vigorously struck on the chest, buttocks, and inner thighs with a cat o’ nine tails every time he mentioned the phrase “middle class,” as well as being rewarded for answering health care questions correctly with the dripping of boiling hot paraffin on his nipples and anus.
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Oct 14, 2013 20:50
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Captain Mog posted:Mr. Autumn Man Walking Down Street With Cup Of Coffee, Wearing Sweater Over Plaid Collared Shirt Well, a few days and a year. The last line is great, though.
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Oct 14, 2013 21:40
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Jean's back!  Escape Into Escapism With Jean quote:Lend me your eyes, Jeanketeers, because I’m mounting the ol’ soapbox again! Hey, wait—do soapboxes even exist anymore? Well, let’s pretend they do, because I would have a very hard time standing atop a large jug of liquid laundry detergent! LOLOLOLOL! (Finally, I figured out a way to use that soapbox/liquid detergent gem! It sat in my notebook for ages. I’m soooo proud of myself for waiting for an opportunity to use it that wasn’t forced!)
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Oct 15, 2013 18:35
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Short and sweet and I laughed out loud at the whole thing: Mayor Bloomberg solves the homelessness problem.
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Oct 15, 2013 20:13
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Discount Viscount posted:Short and sweet and I laughed out loud at the whole thing: Mayor Bloomberg solves the homelessness problem. I was wondering when this one was going to get posted. I actually felt a little guilty laughing at it, which all good Onion articles tend to make me do. The picture is great as well.
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Oct 16, 2013 03:05
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Heroic Broken Sewage Pipe Floods Congress With Human Wastequote:[...]the pipe’s heroics were evident from the outset when the initial explosion splattered Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) with wadded-up toilet paper, sanitary napkins, vomit, and cholera-containing pathogens. [...] Every Tea Party Republican, including Michele Bachmann and Steve King, had so much fecal matter on them that all you could see were the parts of their eyes where they wiped it away. Report: You Live In An Embarrassing Country Pew Research Center posted:[...]you are currently the citizen of an objectively humiliating nation wreathed in a miasma of pettiness, sloth, rank stupidity, and failure[...] Decline and dysfunction are currently the first things people across the world think of when they hear the name of your place of origin, and, by association, these are the first words that would come to mind when they think of you as well.
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Oct 16, 2013 21:17
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One of their best sports articles this year. Broncos' Perfect Season Ends With Humiliating Win Over Jaguars The last line is golden as usual.
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Oct 16, 2013 21:22
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Sometimes they land a little too far on the truth side of the truth/satire line. Report: You Live in an Embarrassing Country
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Oct 16, 2013 21:37
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Looks like the shutdown really did a number on the poor guy: Nude Biden Wakes Up On Cold Slab In D.C. Morgue
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Oct 17, 2013 18:03
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The best article in a long series of best articles. Long live Diamond Joe.
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Oct 17, 2013 18:09
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RIP Worm.
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Oct 17, 2013 18:13
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Senior Woodchuck posted:RIP Worm. Worm is the guy Biden had attend the cabinet meeting for him: http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-has-guy-named-worm-sit-in-for-him-at-cabinet,33250/ RIP, you were one top notch dude. AFewBricksShy has a new favorite as of 18:55 on Oct 17, 2013 |
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Oct 17, 2013 18:52
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The Diamond Joe series has been the best poo poo.
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Oct 17, 2013 19:07
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Senior Woodchuck posted:RIP Worm. Now who will handle our relations with Egypt? 
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Oct 17, 2013 20:56
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