quote:

Analysis
Kind of a rough final month but really that's a good thing for 90% of owners in a given EC. Top priority should be acquiring a real shortstop, followed by improved pitching.

kensei posted:

Still waiting on my mystery gift since you missed my birthday

Don May posted:

SONNY SIEBERT ONE-HITS TORNADOS, COBURNS TAKE 2ND WILDCARD LEAD

Cancun- It was UltimoDragonQuest's terrible, horrible, very bad, no good day.

Sonny Siebert, it ought to be noted, is not a bad pitcher. In fact, he made the all-star team twice in his career, and a solidly above-average starter. That said, a good Super-League lineup should not be one-hit by Sonny Siebert under any circumstances, and especially not when they're trying to prevent a sweep at home by the team trailing right behind them in the wildcard standings. It is simply something that a team cannot afford to do.

And yet it happened. The Tornados could only manage a single hit, a seventh-inning single by Snider to lead off the inning that, like everything else the Tornados tried today, ultimately came to nothing. It was a crushing loss for the Tornados, who now find themselves trailing the Coburns in the wildcard hunt, and whose hitting attack looks increasingly powerless.

But the Tornados' loss is the Coburns' game, and Warm Sarsaparilla's accomplishment was feted by none other than his fellow Syndicate member, and long-time Tornados nemesis, Viscount Slim, owner of the Burma Imperialists. "I would like to applaud my brother for dealing with the Tornado menace once and for all. For too long, this villainous team of luchadors has tainted the Memento Mori Division with their boorish and overly ethnic exploits. Despite my best efforts, I have been able to crush them myself, but, with the Coburns by my side, the day may finally come when the Tornados are wiped from this league, and the pages of history once and for all. And on that day, I promise to drink a cup of Madeira wine in their honor, as that is as close to Mexican cuisine as I care to go."

Warm Sarsaparilla spoke next, "While I myself don't share the same sort of animus towards the Tornados, I can't say I'm much put out to see them beaten thusly. I reckon that it's just the will of Coburn that these here Tornados go down to perdition and I rise up to face the Losers in the playoffs again. It's the natural order of things. The Losers may beat one of us, but they ain't gonna beat all of us. We'll wear 'em down, and we'll break 'em. And then we'll pick up the pieces. It ain't evil, it's just good teamwork."

As for UltimoDragonQuest, he was a bit less coherent, "I...but...how...but...I...he...we...no....what?! Are you loving kidding me! I loving get hosed over by Marauder again? This is loving bullshit! gently caress. gently caress. gently caress. gently caress. gently caress. And kw0134 is still suing me for slander, probably because he needed something to do in between blowing all the judges down at the courthouse. This is all total bullshit! gently caress!"

GAME NOTES

-Marauder sent Warm Sarsaparilla a basket of oranges as a reward for sweeping the Tornados, and also to stave off scurvy.

-The Coburns' defense is still about the grimmest thing ever, with Ryne Sandberg the only good fielder in the lineup, and he was only starting due to a minor injury to Rod Carew, who is a bad fielder himself. Going into the post-season, where the Coburns are likely to face the Losers and their exceptional pitching staff in the first round, should they win the wildcard playoff, one has to wonder whether this will come back to bite them in the tighter playoff games.

-But seriously, UltimoDragonQuest, I feel like the angry spirit of Willie Stargell has returned to this earth and is haunting the Super-League, forcing your Willie Stargell to sabotage your team.

Don May posted:

TRUES EVENTUALLY REMEMBER HOW BASEBALL WORKS, BEAT MAD KNIGHTS 1-0

Everett, Wa.- One would think that a team with the Outfield of Doom would not be tied 0-0 with the Mad Knights after nine innings.

In fact, given the way that the Trues' season has gone, them being involved in some sort of 10-10 slugfest would have made much more sense. After all, the Trues' pitching has been downright abysmal at times this season.

And, eventually, the Trues did remember who they were, and Ted Williams crushed a Jonathan Papelbon home run to win the game, and that was that. Asked for what took him so long, Ted Williams explained that, "I was just thinking about the old days on the Newport Sharks, writing all those letters to Successful Student. Those were good times. Wait, no they weren't, I was angry all the time. They were memorable times, I guess. Sure, Student may have done something stupid every other day, but he had soul, he had passion. McFreeze? Sometimes I think he's just a really poorly programmed chatbot. Man's got no fire for the game. And it's eating me up inside!"

McFreeze didn't respond to Williams' comments, and instead continued pressuring writers into embracing the Everett Trues concept, "Granted, a lot of these comics aren't quite as topical today as they were in 1910, but I think most of them hold up. Like this one where an Irish woman tells Everett to "Kiss me, I'm Irish", and he punches her in the face and says "Well then, kiss my ire." Now, I know that in this P.C. era, that a lot of you aren't going to be cool with Everett True just going around beating up women, but she was Irish, okay? Now this next one, you've got what appears to be King Leopold II of Belgium, and he's getting his right hand cut off by Everett True, who says, "Give me a hand cleaning up the Congo Free State!" Huh. Well, I guess you really had to be there at the time. Okay...here's another one, and it has a cameo from Lillian Russell. You all know who that is, right? Because I don't know who that is. Okay, maybe, I'm not selling this whole Everett True thing as well as I could, but I'm telling you, Smasher, this thing could be huge, and I really mean that."

As for Pash, he had already left the stadium by the time he was due to speak to the press. So, there. Done.

GAME NOTES

-Hey, what do you want from me? I've never loving played Dragon Warrior Monsters, I don't want to make another Pokemon joke, and I don't really know Pash well enough to come up with another gimmick for him. And writing is hard! Especially writing that isn't terrible. You know what happened to the last guy in the LP subforum who tried to write creatively about Pokemon? It went so loving terribly wrong that it literally got the entire genre of Pokemon banned from the LP forum. BANNED! You know the only other thing that got banned from the forum? Hentai games. This Pokemon fanfic was so bad that it was essentially adjudged to be as harmful to the psyche as a hentai game. Think about that! You want the entire Super-League destroyed, is that what you want? No. You don't. So I did what I had to when I cut this update short, and I'll do what I have to regarding the Mad Knights in the future. I'm not going to pretend that it's going to be fun, but I've got to think about what's best for the future.

-And for the record, here's a summary of every main Pokemon game so far:

Generation One: Pokemon Red, Blue and Yellow

A young pre-teen sets out on a journey to become a Pokemon master by enslaving wild creatures and forcing them to fight against other monsters for his own amusement. Along the way, he stops a vaguely defined evil conspiracy.

Generation Two: Pokemon Gold, Silver, and Crystal

A young pre-teen sets out on a journey to become a Pokemon master by enslaving wild creatures and forcing them to fight against other monsters for his own amusement. Along the way, he stops a vaguely defined evil conspiracy.

Generation Three: Pokemon Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald

A young pre-teen sets out on a journey to become a Pokemon master by enslaving wild creatures and forcing them to fight against other monsters for his own amusement. Along the way, he stops a vaguely defined evil conspiracy.

Generation One Redux: Pokemon FireRed and LeafGreen

A young pre-teen sets out on a journey to become a Pokemon master by enslaving wild creatures and forcing them to fight against other monsters for his own amusement. Along the way, he stops a vaguely defined evil conspiracy.

Generation Four: Pokemon White, Black and Platinum

A young pre-teen sets out on a journey to become a Pokemon master by enslaving wild creatures and forcing them to fight against other monsters for his own amusement. Along the way, he stops a vaguely defined evil conspiracy.

Generation Five: Pokemon X and Y

A young pre-teen sets out on a journey to become a Pokemon master by enslaving wild creatures and forcing them to fight against other monsters for his own amusement. Along the way, he stops a vaguely defined evil conspiracy.

Don May posted:

PIRATES FINISH DROPPING HAMMER, COMPLETE SWEEP OVER COLLIDERS WITH 7-2 WIN

Moncton- Theoretically, the Sic Transit Vir race continues, as the Pirates are only five games up with two weeks to go in the season. It remains possible, though unlikely, that the Colliders can make up that deficit in that time span.

Of course, that would require one to ignore the fact that they just lost four straight to their oldest rivals, the Somali Pirates, which is how the Pirates' lead got so large in the first place. And while the Colliders thankfully do not have to face the Pirates again during the regular season, it is hard to have much confidence in a team that just got so thoroughly dismantled in their biggest series of the season.

And the game was not even that close. True, the Colliders scored in the bottom of the first to take a 1-0 lead, but the Pirates tied the game in the top of the second, and then took a 2-1 lead in the top of the third, a lead they would hold onto the rest of the way to take their fourth straight game in Moncton. It was a quite the rout, and the Pirates now looked primed to make another deep playoff run, with their first-round opponent at this time likely being the Burma Imperialists who, thanks to the Syndicate's demolition of the Cancun Tornados, now have a six-game lead in their own division. Neither the Pirates nor Imperialists, though, are apt to take the #1 seed away from the Rockford Losers, who appear to be basically unstoppable at this point, although, for better or worse, the Pirates and Losers are scheduled for a four-game set next week that could very well preview the upcoming Dynamo League Championship Series.

Having all but vanquished his foe, Beet boasted that, "I have no fear of the Rockford Losers. I am the reigning Dynamo League Champions, not them. They say that they would have won the Dynamo League last year if they had not been on hiatus. But I do not deal in counterfactuals. I do not care to imagine a world where the Confederacy won the Civil War, the German Empire won the first World War, or a universe where Aaron Rodgers was not the greatest quarterback in human history. So, I do not care to imagine what would have happened if the Losers had played in the Super-League last season. I know only that I did play in that season, and that I came within one game of becoming the Super-League Champion. This season, the Pirates will take that final step towards greatness, and the Losers will not stop us. Humungus may frighten the children, but I am a pirate. I have illegally torrented far worse things than him, he will not intimidate me. As for the Colliders, I wish them well in the wildcard race."

The strain of losing the game appeared to snap theacox's mind, although seeing as he's also been a rather vague and erratic figure, it's hard to say for sure, "AS YOU, BEET, AND YOUR PIRATES TRAVEL TO THE PLAYOFFS BY NORMAL MEANS, THE PLANE YOU TRAVEL IN BEGINS TO EXPERIENCE MALFUNCTIONS! AS YOU REALIZE THAT ALL THAT IS LEFT IS TOTAL COLLISION, DO YOU, BEET, SHOW SELF-PITY? DO YOU, BEET, TRY AND REASON WHY? DO YOU, BEET, TRY AND COMFORT THE PIRATES THAT HAVE EVEN MORE FEAR THAN YOU? OR DO YOU, BEET, KICK THE DOORS OUT? KICK THE COCKPIT DOOR DOWN? TAKE THE TWO PILOTS THAT HAVE ALREADY MADE MADE THE SACRIFICE SO THAT YOU CAN FACE THE CHALLENGE! DISPOSE OF THEM, BEET. ASSUME THE CONTROLS, BEET! SHOVE THAT CONTROL INTO A NOSEDIVE, BEET! PUSH YOURSELF TO TOTAL COLLISION! AS YOU REALIZE, BEET, THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER A WORLD CLOSE TO CERN! AH, SMELL IT, COLLIDERS! DO YOU, BEET, LOOK FOR A PLACE TO HIDE? OR DO YOU, BEET, FACE THE TEAM THAT MAY BE EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU, BEET! WE, BEET, MUST COLLIDE SO THAT YOU WILL KNOW, WHO IS THE CHOSEN ONE! FOR BEET, I AM NOT THE CHOSEN ONE...THAT YOU SPEAK OF! I AM NOT, BEET. I AM...THE DOUBLE RUTH!" Experts agree that theacox's speech, which appears to be largely lifted from the Ultimate Warrior, is clear evidence that stress of the division race has begun to wear upon the Colliders owner. It may also, be the case, that, in fact, theacox is preparing to unleash the full power of Destrucity upon the world.

GAME NOTES

-The Pirates drew eight walks, the Colliders drew one. So, there was a damned good reason why the Pirates won this game.

-Noodles the Pitcher won the game, and improved his record to 15-3. As to how this is possible, Noodles explained that, "Ah, well, you know, it all goes back to how I got the name in the first place. You see, I was down by the railyard when-" The rest of this story has been censored both because it is horrifying and, one hopes at least, anatomically impossible, even if your name is "Noodles".

Don May posted:

W'S DRUB PLUNDER CORP., MOVE INTO WILDCARD SPOT

Wilmington- It must be said that for a team that's faced as many setbacks as the W's, they keep fighting.

Granted, at a certain point, you have to wonder whether that's perseverance or insanity and whether, when you come right down to it, the only difference between the two is a matter of degrees.

And, speaking of insanity, Rob Dibble is still the closer for the Eazy W's, and it is still going terribly wrong most times. In today's game, the W's held a 5-3 lead heading into the bottom of the ninth inning, but that quickly fell apart as Rob Dibble found himself unable to do anything right, walking the first two batters of the inning before giving up an RBI single and a sacrifice to leave the game tied 5-5 with a runner on first and only one out. It appeared that the W's were in serious trouble, especially with Miguel Cabrera and Albert Pujols up next. But that's when Dibble reminded everyone why ForeverBWFC has stuck by him for so long as Dibble, apparently unfazed by his blunders thus far, struck both sluggers out to send the game into extra innings.

Given new life, the W's found a second win as Babe Ruth doubled, and Al Simmons homered to give the W's their two-run lead back. In the bottom of the inning, Dibble was once more ineffective, giving up a leadoff single to Nomar Garciaparra before striking out Oscar Charleston for the first out. With Dibble not having the greatest stamina in the world, ForeverBWFC elected to summon Eri Yoshida from the bullpen, but, before he could make the call, he was tackled by Mark Bellhorn, Darren Daulton and Howard Johnson. They were men of great sabermetric renown and knew that sending in Yoshida into the game would surely spell their teams doom. Instead, they had Adam Dunn, known for his outstanding impersonation of a British accent, call the bullpen and send for Dave Smith, who quickly got the last two outs of the game for the win.

Despite almost catastrophic mistake, ForeverBWFC was still upbeat, as, with the win, the W's moved into a tie for the wildcard lead and, if the season ended today, would make the playoffs. Still, he was somewhat troubled, "Good win today, lads, but I'm afraid that it's not all good news. Today, I think it's time I had a frank and honest discussion about one of the greatest stains on my home country's honour. I am, of course, referring to that sack of poo poo Eric Clapton. He is overrated, and, let's be honest, a deeply racist guy. He supported Enoch Powell, for god's sake! Listen, you want to say he's a great guitarist? Fine, I don't dispute that! But what else has he got? I guess there's Cream, but that's pretty much just consigned to movie soundtracks that need some music that says that "this scene takes place in the '60s, dudes!". Or loving Layla. Motherfucking Layla. So, today, I'd like to apologize to the people of the world for well, 90% of Eric Clapton's musical output, I guess. It's a real shame, and I feel terrible about it."

As for the Plunder Corp., CthulhuDreams asserted that, "The words 'fiduciary duty' have become overused in the ongoing discussion about corporate governance. I say that, as shareholder, I'm owed a certain share of the profits from this team that I have invested in. Basic fairness dictates that I should be allowed to take a dividend of a player or two to take for my new team. It's not me looting the Plunder Corp., it's just rewarding me for the time and effort that I put into managing the Plunder Corp. And that is why I am petitioning Smasher Dynamo to allow me to take Satchel Paige as my fair payment for a season's worth of work. If anything, it's a pretty small price to pay!"

GAME NOTES

-Tom Glavine has not been terrible for the W's this season. That is truly odd.

-Okay, Plunder Dudes, so Oscar Charleston is having a bad year. But look at Riggs! He's doing great! See, it all evens out in the end. Sort of.

Pander posted:

Smasher: Will the lineup changes that I posted earlier take effect in Week 25?

Beet posted:

I'm just the guy who ran this season's expansion cup. You'll have to harass Smasher about any promises of mystery gifts.

kensei posted:

Yeah, I was posting at him

Mr. Cool Ice posted:

Don't worry, we're all lobbying fiercely for you to get your favorite Mariner: Jesus Montero.

kensei posted:

Mr. Cool Ice posted:

Why, GVOLTT? Why couldn't you just tell me what you wanted? Now a man is dead, and you're the only one to blame. I hope you realize the severity of your actions.

GVOLTT posted:

Plus, what about the other guys who offered you CFs?