Writing & reporting in today's NFL: One extra-wide horse shit latte please

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > Writing & reporting in today's NFL: One extra-wide horse shit latte please

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Dank Fishbong: Jan 17, 2013; by XyloJW

Because basketball is the One True Sport.

DangerKat posted:

Because that's "what's best about the game!"

And this.

# ? Oct 25, 2013 19:50

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# ? May 11, 2024 14:09

Declan MacManus: Sep 1, 2011; damn i'm really in this bitch

DasNasty posted:

Because basketball is the One True Sport.

They're not ready for the gospel I've tried delivering it a bunch of times

# ? Oct 25, 2013 19:51

Chichevache: Feb 17, 2010; One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

Declan MacManus posted:

They're not ready for the gospel I've tried delivering it a bunch of times

If you really love basketball why is your avatar always football related?

# ? Oct 25, 2013 20:19

Kibner: Oct 21, 2008; Acguy Supremacy

Chichevache posted:

If you really love basketball why is your avatar always football related?

Because his football teams give him more misery and/or comedy.

# ? Oct 25, 2013 20:36

let it mellow: Jun 1, 2000; Dinosaur Gum

Basketball is terrible and I say this as a guy who went to Kentucky for grad school and is married to a Lexington native, so I speak from experience.

She's a Broncos fan now, too and loves going to games. :getin:

E: she loves basketball, so I make an effort. But ugh.

# ? Oct 26, 2013 00:25

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

I still like basketball but it's been hard for me to get back into the NBA after the Sonics moved.

These days I tend to pay more attention to college hoops, while quietly resenting people who still have an NBA team to root for :smith:

# ? Oct 26, 2013 04:54

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

Benne posted:

I still like basketball but it's been hard for me to get back into the NBA after the Sonics moved.

These days I tend to pay more attention to college hoops, while quietly resenting people who still have an NBA team to root for

I thought you guys bought the Kings

# ? Oct 26, 2013 06:12

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Mel Mudkiper posted:

I thought you guys bought the Kings

Yeah, about that....

# ? Oct 26, 2013 06:25

Declan MacManus: Sep 1, 2011; damn i'm really in this bitch

Kibner posted:

Because his football teams give him more misery and/or comedy.

Ding ding ding.

The Spurs are solid and workmanlike. You wouldn't have an avatar of a well functioning tablesaw.

# ? Oct 26, 2013 16:07

Declan MacManus: Sep 1, 2011; damn i'm really in this bitch

Mel Mudkiper posted:

I thought you guys bought the Kings

Maloof'd!

# ? Oct 26, 2013 16:07

Zifnab: Aug 21, 2005; Hope Springs Eternal

Benne posted:

I still like basketball but it's been hard for me to get back into the NBA after the Sonics moved.

These days I tend to pay more attention to college hoops, while quietly resenting people who still have an NBA team to root for

UW is going to be full of shattered dreams this year

# ? Oct 27, 2013 01:22

The_Hat: Sep 24, 2008

I don't know if this is the right thread for bitching about TV programming, but here's a little story.

Last Thursday I stopped in a bar for a late lunch, and one of their TVs was on NFL Network, which was currently showing a Top Ten list: "What We Miss In Football" or something like that

10. Stickum
9. Barefoot Kickers
8. Angry Opponents
7. Real Grass
6. Good Nicknames
5. Goalposts at the Goal Line (!!!!)
4. Real Fullbacks

I left at that point but jesus christ.

Also one of the talking heads who pops up to share his worthless opinion was Pete Prisco, aka that guy who wrote that terrible article and got destroyed by Keith Olbermann.

# ? Oct 28, 2013 18:19

v2vian man: Sep 1, 2007; Only question I
ever thought was hard
was do I like Kirk
or do I like Picard?

hahahah hopefully it was 1. Life before NFL Network

# ? Oct 28, 2013 22:12

The Puppy Bowl: Jan 31, 2013; A dog, in the house.

*woof*

3) Quarterbacks calling own play
2) NFL in LA
1) Well Dressed Coaches

Why does Rich Eisen put up with this poo poo?

# ? Oct 28, 2013 22:27

waah: Jun 20, 2011; Better stay in line when
You see a Pavel like me shinin

Rap posted:

hahahah hopefully it was 1. Life before NFL Network

The ~~best~~ worst is Thursday night games when they don't get the players on the right team. I guess they figure you have to be at least as drunk as they are to watch Thursday night football so no one will notice.

# ? Oct 28, 2013 22:28

Febreeze: Oct 24, 2011; I want to care, butt I dont

The Puppy Bowl posted:

3) Quarterbacks calling own play
2) NFL in LA
1) Well Dressed Coaches

Why does Rich Eisen put up with this poo poo?

Man gets paid. He's the face of the network. It's probably a fun job, he always seems relaxed and happy.

# ? Oct 28, 2013 22:31

The Puppy Bowl: Jan 31, 2013; A dog, in the house.

*woof*

Yeah, but he has to listen to Michael Irvin and Warren Sapp everyday.

# ? Oct 28, 2013 22:33

Vincent Van Goatse: Nov 8, 2006; Enjoy every sandwich.; Smellrose

The Puppy Bowl posted:

1) Well Dressed Coaches

Mike Nolan fought to wear a suit on the sidelines when he was the Niners' head coach. That's all that needs to be said about this one, I think.

# ? Oct 28, 2013 22:36

Febreeze: Oct 24, 2011; I want to care, butt I dont

The Puppy Bowl posted:

Yeah, but he has to listen to Michael Irvin and Warren Sapp everyday.

For, I repeat, lots of money.

I would take lots of money to listen to Sanders and Irvin and Sapp. This is why I don't watch them for free.

# ? Oct 28, 2013 22:37

Parlett316: Dec 6, 2002; Jon Snow is viciously stabbed by his friends in the night's watch for wanting to rescue Mance Rayder from Ramsay Bolton

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHxHqUJcpt0

The greatest Rich Eisen interview

# ? Oct 28, 2013 22:37

Thaddius the Large: Jul 5, 2006; It's in the five-hole!

The Puppy Bowl posted:

Yeah, but he has to listen to Michael Irvin and Warren Sapp everyday.

Which would be hilarious, in a Through The Looking Glass sense.

# ? Oct 28, 2013 22:39

Grozz Nuy: Feb 21, 2008; Welcome to Moonside.

Wecomel to Soonmide.

Moonwel ot cosidme.

Man I would love to sit around and get paid to listen to Mike Irvin's coked-up ranting all day.

# ? Oct 28, 2013 22:47

Sash!: Mar 16, 2001

The NFL really is missing an opportunity on the coaches not wearing suits. A whole line of branded suits and formal wear! Imagine how many crested blazers you could sell to idiots.

# ? Oct 29, 2013 16:28

MD2020: May 30, 2003; she had tiny Italian boobs.
Well that's my story.

Sash! posted:

The NFL really is missing an opportunity on the coaches not wearing suits. A whole line of branded suits and formal wear! Imagine how many crested blazers you could sell to idiots.

And imagine the markup. I recently saw "Philadelphia Eagles sandwich bags" in my local supermarket. 50 count for $3.99. And that's cheap--NFLShop has them for $5.25.

Meanwhile, you can get 70 count Ziplock for like $2.19.

# ? Oct 29, 2013 16:42

Vincent Van Goatse: Nov 8, 2006; Enjoy every sandwich.; Smellrose

MD2020 posted:

And imagine the markup. I recently saw "Philadelphia Eagles sandwich bags" in my local supermarket. 50 count for $3.99. And that's cheap--NFLShop has them for $5.25.

Meanwhile, you can get 70 count Ziplock for like $2.19.

But how will you carry your batteries to the game in style if you get plain Ziplock bags?

# ? Oct 29, 2013 16:50

pangstrom: Jan 25, 2003; Wedge Regret

Sash! posted:

The NFL really is missing an opportunity on the coaches not wearing suits. A whole line of branded suits and formal wear! Imagine how many crested blazers you could sell to idiots.

I can imagine the chorus of "hey, Uncle James showed up wearing a blazer!" that would ring across the land's weddings and funerals.

# ? Oct 29, 2013 16:54

waah: Jun 20, 2011; Better stay in line when
You see a Pavel like me shinin

Dont know where else I should put this, but this is actually an awesome bit of writing as the FO guys go old school Fashion SWAT on Coors light.

quote:

Many Manly Men Died to Bring You This Beer

Mike: Avalanches are the new explosions, apparently.
Tom: Actually, watching the making-of video, these avalanches are actually just the new instantiation of explosiveness. As these avalanches are actually created by a helicopter dropping explosives.
Mike: A stunt that Xzibit would be proud of.
Tom: This Coors Light ad campaign is not new, but lately it's just gotten to me. When I order a mass-produced beverage, I'm making an intentional trade-off: choosing something that's familiar and I know I like, and can be provided to me without too much hassle. Coors Light's ad campaign is ... that bars do not have sufficiently cold freezers to keep Coors Light fresh, so they must rely on experienced and skilled mountaineers to retrieve their beer and pass it through dimensional portals?
Mike: To be fair, Coors Light's only real selling point is "it's cold."
Tom: I know, one of the other commercials has the beer cans actually being filled by a dispenser in the side of a mountain.
Mike: Granted, it is only really as cold as the storage area in which it is kept.
Tom: Fortunately, we have amazing technology that lets us create cold spaces to store things. It's called a freezer. Or, as the case may be, a refrigerator.
Mike: It's interesting, actually, since the whole thing is a metaphor for their brewing process. But nobody cares about the brewing process, aside from what they've been saying for years (that it's cold-brewed).
Tom: If this commercial series had been about how they were making beer in arctic conditions, I'd probably approve of that.
Mike: They need something immediate to bridge the gap between cold beer and cold-brewed, which leads to absurdities like the three different things on the Coors Light cans that inform you how cold your beer is. The cynical among us will note that the colder a lager is, the thinner its taste. Not that we would accuse Coors of making beer that is nearly indistinguishable from water.
Tom: The ultra-cynical will point out that the beer snobs (which is what people who do not drink beer call people who like good beer) don't think Coors is a good beer and Coors is actually telling you how best to drink their not very good beer.
Mike: In any case, it would be interesting to see this sort of beer delivery system in action.
Tom: Coors after all is a cynical company that wants to extract profits from hapless idiot consumers. But, yes.
Mike: Ignoring that the Coors would almost certainly freeze in the conditions depicted.
Tom: Considering the number of establishments that could potentially sell Coors, they must have an incredible number of mountaineers and portals. The polar regions of the world must be replete with Coors-employed mountain men.
Mike: My main concern is how this would affect the cost of Coors. Coors cannot compete in the same price range as, say, Goose Island. Can a bottle of Coors Light compete with the price of a middling-to-large subatomic particle collider?
Tom: As a non-beer drinker, I know which one I'd rather have.
Mike: Everyone needs a particle accelerator. Everyone.
Tom: Yes. I'd also like to point out that the sun is shining in all of these Coors Light beer retrieval commercials. Apparently Coors Light is only available during arctic daylight hours. Then again, I guess you can get around that with antarctic facilities.
Mike: Lightning technically needs two, but she's always been greedy.
Tom: Well if Lightning needs two, then I don't want to know how many Thundarr needs!

# ? Oct 29, 2013 18:04

Shangri-Law School: Feb 19, 2013

waah posted:

Dont know where else I should put this, but this is actually an awesome bit of writing as the FO guys go old school Fashion SWAT on Coors light.

I am a beer snob but reading that makes me want to pour a bottle of Westy 12 on the ground just to spite them.

# ? Oct 30, 2013 00:52

FUCKFACE MORON: Apr 23, 2010; by sebmojo

At least Coors Light has some semblance of taste. Miller Lite's selling point is that their cans have a pop top and Bud Light's is that their commercials are occasionally funny.

# ? Oct 30, 2013 00:57

seiferguy: Jun 9, 2005; FLAWED
INTUITION; Toilet Rascal

Chris Chase of USAToday has things to say about Golden Tate's waving:

http://ftw.usatoday.com/2013/10/golden-tate-taunt/

quote:

Tate was flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct on the play. Due to the 15-yard infraction, Seattle was forced to kickoff from its own 20. But it had little effect on the Rams. A holding penalty on that kick pushed the start of their next drive back to their own 22-yard line, meaning Tate�s penalty basically cost the Seahawks two yards.

There was talk on Monday night of switching to the college rule, in which touchdowns are negated when a player taunts before the end zone. That�s fine for the NCAA, but not in the NFL. It�s like one of those old philosophical maxims. If a player taunts on his way to the end zone, did the touchdown exist? Yes, and the player�s still a clown.

Alright, reasonable enough... wait, there's more?

quote:

What should happen is that anytime a player slows up to taunt on a TD, it should be open season on hits from pursuing defenders. No repercussions. McLeod should be allowed to drill Tate after he crossed the goal line � you know, to let him know he says hello too.

# ? Oct 30, 2013 20:28

Thaddius the Large: Jul 5, 2006; It's in the five-hole!

seiferguy posted:

Chris Chase of USAToday has things to say about Golden Tate's waving:

http://ftw.usatoday.com/2013/10/golden-tate-taunt/

Alright, reasonable enough... wait, there's more?
[/b]

But I thought Tate wasn't saying hello, I thought he was saying goodbye?

# ? Oct 30, 2013 20:39

Good Will Hrunting: Oct 8, 2012; I changed my mind.
I'm not sorry.

Not only should impressionable youngsters be taught that taunting is "cool" but also that violence is the best response when you or your peer is the target!

# ? Oct 30, 2013 20:44

Chichevache: Feb 17, 2010; One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

Good Will Hrunting posted:

Not only should impressionable youngsters be taught that taunting is "cool" but also that violence is the best response when you or your peer is the target!

If youngsters are so impressionable that Golden Tate waving will scar them for life, they probably shouldn't be allowed to watch a sport where a man could die on the field.

# ? Oct 30, 2013 21:35

EmotionlessThug: Feb 14, 2012

Parlett316 posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHxHqUJcpt0

The greatest Rich Eisen interview

lol this is a pro rear end click

# ? Oct 30, 2013 22:53

v2vian man: Sep 1, 2007; Only question I
ever thought was hard
was do I like Kirk
or do I like Picard?

Sure dude we've all played NFL Blitz before

# ? Oct 30, 2013 22:53

Mel Mudkiper: Jan 19, 2012; At this point, Mudman abruptly ends the conversation. He usually insists on the last word.

I will never understand the stigma against taunting.

I can understand not wanting to taunt when a player is hurt, but the idea that showing off while you clown a guy is somehow unethical is weird.

EDIT: I love when they try to claim its about humility and good sportsmanship. Meanwhile, this is the intro to SNF. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OXlLrtPTIA

# ? Oct 30, 2013 22:57

Mr. Funny Pants: Apr 9, 2001

Mel Mudkiper posted:

I will never understand the stigma against taunting.

I won't pretend that I can give an objective argument against it, I've just always found it classless.

On the other hand, I think it would be loving hilarious if visiting players did pro-wrestling style taunting of the home fans.

# ? Oct 31, 2013 01:39

Chichevache: Feb 17, 2010; One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

Mr. Funny Pants posted:

I won't pretend that I can give an objective argument against it, I've just always found it classless.

That's the problem for me. It seems like the people against taunting don't have an argument besides "we don't like it", while those of us who support it can only say "we do like it". You might as well argue about what type of music is the worst, because it is dumb and subjective.

p.s. country sucks :banjo:

# ? Oct 31, 2013 02:09

Mr. Funny Pants: Apr 9, 2001

Chichevache posted:

That's the problem for me. It seems like the people against taunting don't have an argument besides "we don't like it", while those of us who support it can only say "we do like it". You might as well argue about what type of music is the worst, because it is dumb and subjective.

And it sure as poo poo isn't worth the hand-wringing in either direction. Also, I'd be more amenable to it if it was creative or funny. It's so rare to see that.

# ? Oct 31, 2013 02:22

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# ? May 11, 2024 14:09

Chichevache: Feb 17, 2010; One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

Mr. Funny Pants posted:

And it sure as poo poo isn't worth the hand-wringing in either direction. Also, I'd be more amenable to it if it was creative or funny. It's so rare to see that.

It could definitely be more creative, but I think a key pillar of country music is being tragic and not comic. Is it still country if it is funny?

# ? Oct 31, 2013 02:29

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