Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

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Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 7. David is our POV character for this. He's happy they've decided to go back.

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He saw a sign. APPLE COLA RIVER. "Hey, Dad--how about stopping to get some of that apple cola?"

(Pun Count: 135)

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To his surprise. Dad listened. Maybe Dad was thirsty too. He pulled to the side. "Everybody get out and get anything done you want, because we won't be stopping again soon," he said.

Oh. That was fair warning. They piled out and found assorted bushes. Then David got a jug and went to dip out all the apple cola he could. That was one of the good things about Xanth: the way things were literal. If the sign said apple cola, the river was made of it. Just as that river of blood in the mirror/Tapestry had been genuine hot red giant blood, so copious it flowed for miles in a river down to the sea. This river sparkled with its effervescence, and sure enough, it was apple-flavored cola. He drank several cups of it before he left, so as to keep the jug full.

He turned to return to the RV, and saw a fire. A series of small flames was traveling along the ground between him and the others. He wasn't worried, because they were little enough to step right over, but he wondered how they had come about. So he paused to look.

They were ants. Little red ants. "Fire ants!" he exclaimed, catching on. "Wouldn't you know it," Sean said. "I found some block parents." He gestured, and David saw several stone blocks in the shape of people. That figured.

(Pun Count: 137)

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"Hey, look what I found," Karen called from the other side. "Laughing flowers."

They looked, but didn't hear any laughing, though she stood in a patch of pretty flowers. "Where?" David asked.

"Here." She picked a funny red one and brought it to him. "Smell it."

He smelled it--and burst out laughing. The curious thing was that he hadn't intended to; it just happened.

"What's so funny?" Sean asked suspiciously.

"Smell," Karen said, handing him a funny blue flower.

Sean sniffed it--and guffawed. Then looked as surprised as David felt. Then he smiled. "I get it: these are scents of humor."

(Pun Count: 138) They all pile back in after that pointless interlude.

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"Did you see what I saw?" Dad asked as they pulled back onto the trollway. "The fly-fishing?"

"What is noteworthy about that?" Mom asked. She was sitting up front now, her normal place when they didn't need special instructions.

"They were frogs with fishing poles--casting for flies."

(Pun Count: 139)

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"And do you know what I saw?" Mom asked in turn.

"What did you see?" Dad dutifully inquired.

"A thim bull."

"A thimble?"

"A thim bull."

"A thin bull?"

"A male bovine in the shape of a thimble."

(Pun Count: 140)

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Dad laughed. "Grazing on pins and needles?"

(Pun Count: 141) They head on. David is bored, and begins to wonder about Nimby, who reads his mind and turns to face him. David realizes that Nimby can read minds, and teaches Nimby not to show it.

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Because people like to keep secrets, David thought loudly. Like Sean's looking up under Chorine's skirt, getting a real charge from her legs, but he doesn't want anyone else to know. And she's letting him do it, and SHE doesn't want him to know. So I guess you can pick up on that... He paused, and Nimby nodded. But you better not let them know, because they'd both be embarrassed to death. Because they're both adults, or close to it. I guess it's like that Adult Conspiracy that stops us kids from saying words like "bleep." Nobody's supposed to know anything. I guess if you peek into their minds, you'll see I'm right.

Nimby paused, then nodded, looking surprised. David was pleased; he had taught the man who knew everything something.

And Nimby nodded again.

David realized that he didn't have to work to project his thoughts; Nimby could pick them up at conversational level. But if he could read everybody's mind so well, why did he seem so, well, innocent?

Nimby wrote a note and handed it to him.

David read it. I am aware of what is happening around me, but there is so much that I don't think to do it unless guided. There are so many thoughts that I usually pay no attention. I also have trouble comprehending human motivations and emotions.

David couldn't resist giving some more advice. If Nimby wanted to seek mature human perspectives and motives, he should peek into Dad's and Mom's minds. If he wanted hot adolescent thoughts, Sean was the one. For naive childish attitudes, Karen would do. But for a central, sensible viewpoint, David himself was the best source.

Nimby nodded, accepting it.

But David was really curious about one thing, and maybe Nimby would give him the answer. He could appreciate why Sean wanted to see under Chlorine's skirt, as David himself found that intriguing. He really did want to see someone's panties. But why was Chlorine letting him see?

Nimby wrote a note. She has not been beautiful long, and wishes to ascertain exactly how beauty works and what its limits are. So she is practicing on Sean, who is the closest approach to an ordinary man to which she has current access. She believes that what works on him should work somewhat similarly on other men.

Yes, it should. So it was really a scientific experiment on her part; she didn't really care for Sean.

Nimby wrote a note. Scientific?

He didn't know about science? Okay, David would tell Nimby all about Mundane science, if Nimby would tell David exactly what he and Chlorine did overnight in their room at the imp hotel.

She slept. I sat up and watched Xanth. What, no mush? No Adult Conspiracy stuff? David wasn't sure he believed that.

Chlorine has little romantic interest in a dragon rear end.

A what?

My natural form. She seeks human interaction.

Nimby didn't have to sleep?

My type doesn't sleep.

But Nimby was in human form now. Wasn't he at least a little interested in what Chlorine looked like with her clothing off? David was only twelve years old, but he'd just love to see Chlorine bare naked nude.

I fashioned her present form, and mine. I can in any event see her natural body at all times, as I can those of everyone else. This has no novelty for me.

Evidently not. But with such powers, why did Nimby hang around a dull family like them, and never speak?

There is a geis on me to be silent until I have accomplished my mission.

Oh, like a knightly oath. David could see that. Still, keeping constant company with a beautiful creature like Chlorine, didn't Nimby get even a little curious about what human love and bleep was all about?

I would like to learn about human emotion, yes. It does intrigue me. So far it does not seem very logical.

Well, that was because he was analyzing it instead of feeling it. He was being like a teacher in school, who could make anything deadly dull in an instant. Kids fell asleep in Sex Ed class, after all. In real life people had emotions.

They cared. They got all heated up about some stupid ball game, and they really got excited about boy-girl business.

Maybe Nimby should try that, sort of really get into the feel of it.

I lack the emotion of the human kind. How can I experience the feelings humans do?

Well, he might try tracking David's own emotion for a while. David would do his best to feel things strongly, so Nimby could get the idea.

Thank you. I shall do that.

Now I'll think through science, David thought. The way I see it, it's the Mundane way of doing what you folk in Xanth do by magic. Maybe they're the same, in the end, just different ways. Do you know what a lever is?

And so they communed, as the RV zoomed on, and Karen played her cards, and Sean and Chlorine played their little games of show and look.

David notices that the rain is colored and asks Nimby about it being normal.

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Yes, for Xanth.- This storm is raining heavily ahead, so that by the time we reach the next river, it will be flooded.

The Trolls are about to shut down the trollway as unsafe.

But we have to get to Imp Erial today, to help them move their stuff.

I will be able to guide you safely there, if you ask me.

"We'll sure do that," David said aloud, forgetting himself.

Karen looked up from her cards. "Do what?"

"Nimby says we're headed into a bad storm, and the river will flood, and the trolls will shut down the highway."

"We can't afford to get detoured now," Dad said. "We have to go on through." "Nimby can show us how," David said.

The rain gets worse, and Nimby has them stop. He heads out into the rain, returning with some cherries.

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"Those look like cherry bombs," Chlorine said. "Only they're bigger and fresher and clearer than any I've seen before. I'd better hold them." She took the branch and held it carefully, while Nimby reverted to his human form and got back into the RV. He was, of course, soaking wet, so Mom came back and bustled him into the lavatory for another change of clothing. Mom just couldn't help mothering folk.

(Pun Count: 142)

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"Yes, they explode when dropped or thrown," Chlorine said. She managed to unsnag her skirt and then her blouse, the material fell back into place, covering what it was supposed to. David heard Sean resume breathing. That exposure had really been by accident.

Actually, it had been a pretty good view. David had begun to get interested in such things only in the last few months, and suspected he would be more interested in the next few months. Chlorine's body was fascinating. But so was the notion of cherry bombs growing on trees. "Does anything else do that?" he asked. "I mean, explode?"

"Certainly. Pineapples, for instance. They're more dangerous than cherries, because they're larger."

(Pun Count: 143)

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Nimby wrote a note. No one else seemed to notice how his pad and pencil appeared from nothing when he needed them, and disappeared similarly when he didn't. He handed the note to David.

"'These are new, clear cherry bombs,'" he read aloud. "'Much more powerful than the regular kind. We will need them for the river.'"

"Nuclear cherry bombs!" Sean exclaimed. "I'll bet they're powerful!"

(Pun Count: 144)

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Then David noticed a PS to the note: When you saw inside Chlorine's blouse--was that emotion?

David smiled. Yes it was, of a sort. But to fathom the full effect of it. Nimby should have peeked into Sean's mind. Because if David got slightly warm, Sean would be a furnace. And considering Nimby's apparent age, he should be reacting like Sean.

Nimby sat in a vacant seat. David was pleased to see that he was now looking at Chlorine in much the way Sean was: surreptitiously but persistently. He was learning.

The trolls want to send them back to the tall hassle grove now, to weather the storm. They'll let them go on, but only at their own risk - the trolls take no responsibility for their safety. The path's enchantment remains, but the water won't be stopped by it. The trolls think them fools.

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David looked out. "What's that building, shaped like a huge bottle?"

Chlorine looked. "Oh, that's a whinery."

(Pun Count: 145) They head on through the rain.

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Then some of that water seemed to get into David's eyes, for they were flowing. He was crying--and he didn't know why. He looked blearily around, and saw tears in the eyes of all of them except Nimby. Even Dad was blowing his nose. What was going on?

"Did we just drive through an onion field?" Karen asked tearfully.

"I see a sign," Mom said. "It says we are coming to the Crimea River."

"Cry me a river," Chlorine repeated. "That explains it. The whinery must use that water for its whine. But we must have crossed it on the way up. Why didn't we cry then?"

(Pun Count: 147)

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"It wasn't flooding then," Dad replied. "I saw the water passing low under the bridge. We were past it before we got a whiff of it."

The river flooded so fast because of a goblin dam. That's why Nimby fetched the bombs - to blow the dam and clear the road.

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"But won't the goblins attack us when we go there?" Mom asked worriedly.

"'Not if we remain within the enchanted path, and float the cherries down to the dam,'" David read.

"But the cherries might go right over the dam before they explode," Sean said. "We'll have to use a rope to put them in place."

"Let's get to it," Dad said. At that point the rain eased, becoming only a light, windy drizzle. Dad, Mom, Nimby, Chlorine, and Sean got out. "You kids stay put," Sean called back insultingly.

Karen goes out to explore the enchanted path after she hears a bell. Tweeter tries to warn her, but she won't listen, so David sends Woofer after her. Then David hears a drum and goes after it, until Midrange warns him and he stops. He notices that the sound is from off the path, so he goes to look without getting off it.

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He was successful: it was in the shape of a huge ear. It was an ear drum! No wonder it had such power over his own ears.

(Pun Count: 148) David hears the bell Karen went after again, and realizes she should've been back by now. He tells Midrange to stay and wait for the others while he goes to get Karen.

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David ran in the direction of the bell. Soon he found it, a cow with a clapper, ringing as it walked. A cow bell.

(Pun Count: 149) But no Karen.

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He spied a big orange apelike creature wearing a placard saying UTAN. Was it dangerous? This thing looked so comical that maybe it was harmless. "Hey, Utan--have you seen my stupid little sister?" he asked it.

(Pun Count: 150)

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The thing paused, then pointed the way David was going. So David ran on. Only after he was well beyond the creature did he realize what it must be: an orange utan.

He saw a cat. "Hey, I told you to stay in the RV!" he cried, advancing on it. The cat turned its face toward him.

Then David realized that it wasn't Midrange. It was a strange cat--very strange. It wore a flat-brimmed hat and a vest with the word ION on front. "Oh--sorry," David said, embarrassed. "I thought you were my cat."

The cat stared witheringly at him and stalked off. Then David realized its nature: it was a cat-ion, probably headed for a catamount or catboat. "He must be going to get positively charged, before he lynx up with friends," David muttered as he went on. This business of punning was infectious.

(Pun Count: 155) Still no Karen.

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Something came flying though the air. David ducked, afraid it was going to hit him, but it sailed on by. He got a good glimpse of it as it passed. It looked like a painting.

Then another flew by, and a third. What was going on?

But a moment's thought brought the answer: "Artillery," he said. "Someone's hurling art at me."

(Pun Count: 156) He realizes Karen must have left the path. He returns to the RV and has Midrange guide him to the others. He reports to Mary that Karen is gone. Chlorine and Nimby will go to find her. Nimby says she's safe. David goes to check on Jim, who is spying on the goblins.

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"Sure." He walked in the direction Chlorine and Nimby had come from. Soon he saw Dad--surrounded by ugly , little manlike creatures with big heads and big feet: goblins. They had spied him, and he was probably off the enchanted path, because they were closing in purposefully.

"Dad!" David cried. "Watch out!" But it was too late.

The goblins burst across the last little distance, and swarmed all over Dad. He tried to fight them off, but he was a physics prof, not a warrior, and they were many. In a moment they had him helpless.

David knew he had to do something, but he didn't know what. The goblins were carrying Dad away. There were too many of them for anyone to fight. Dad should never have gone beyond the limit of the enchanted path. Just as Karen shouldn't have. Did the goblins have her too?

Nimby could have warned him--but Nimby was off fetching Karen. Because David hadn't stopped her from leaving the RV.

"Mom! Sean!" he cried, running back. "They've got Dad!"

Sean decides to take matters into his own hands and takes the bombs. David goes to be his distraction, leaving the path and shouting for the goblins. They're faster than expected, and he dodges as best he can, but is soon overtaken.

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"What possessed you to do that?" Dad demanded as the goblins hauled them together.

"Silence, morsels!" the goblin chief cried, wiping his eyes. "Or we'll cook you slow instead of fast."

Cook them? Suddenly David realized just how awful a fate they faced. All because he had let Karen get loose, then had taken Nimby away from helping Dad, so that Dad got caught by the goblins. David deserved to be cooked!

There was a deafening BOOM behind them, followed by a great rushing sound.

"The dam!" a goblin screamed. "The dam went!"

Sean had blown the dam! He must have gotten close while the goblins were distracted, and thrown the cherry branch on it. Now the water was bursting out and down-- and the goblins were below it. The great frothing surge of it was already bearing down on them. They let man and boy go, and fled.

David and Jim run for the road, making it ahead of the water. The river, meanwhile, chases down the goblins. David hopes they drown. (I'm willing to excuse a little bloodthirst in a twelve-year-old, though.) However, Sean has been taken by the water as the dam blew. Jim goes out to look for him.

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Then David saw Chlorine. "Karen won't come with us," she said, her eyes still red but dry. "She--what happened here?" She stared at the diminished water, astonished.

"Sean blew the-dam," David said. "But now we don't know where he is."

"Oh, he's all right," Chlorine said. "Nimby gave me a message to say to you. That Sean is on his way. I didn't know what it meant."

"He must have been washed away by the water," David said. "So now he has to make his way back from wherever he got washed to. But he's okay."

"That must be it," Mom agreed, evidently relieved.

Anyway, it seems Karen was deceived by wraiths, and now thinks everyone is wraiths. David volunteers to go get her while Mary and Jim wait for Sean. They don't like it, but allow it if he goes with Nimby and Chlorine, since Jim is hurt.

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The landscape became weird, even compared to what it had been. The trees seemed to be growing sideways or even upside down, and there were blobs of water floating haphazardly. But in a moment he realized that they were moving toward the three people. "What are those puddles doing out of their beds?" David asked, ducking to avoid one that came too close. Nimby's pad and pencil appeared. He wrote a note.

Chlorine took it and read it. "'Ponds come.'"

"Pond scum?" David asked, making a face. Unfortunately, the face detached from his head and floated away, distorting grotesquely. He clapped his hands to the front of his head and found that his regular face was still there; it was only a copy that was drifting away.

(Pun Count: 156)

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"Ponds come to us," she said carefully. "I think they're getting confused as the magic dust increases. We may all suffer from its madness as we get farther into the storm."

"I think I'm suffering from it now," David said, as the face copy collided with a pond and made a splash.

They encountered a man whose face was odd in another way: the lower part of it was transparent. David could see his tongue and teeth inside, and they were also transparent.

The man never paused to greet them; he hurried on to wherever he was going.

"That man had a glass jaw," Chlorine said, surprised. "I never saw one before."

(Pun Count: 157)

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One of the floating ponds had settled into a glade, and there were creatures in and by it, facing away from him.

One had the head and arms of a human being, the forelegs and torso of a horse, and the tail of a fish. Another had the head of a person, the wings of a vulture, and the body of a serpent.

David knew he shouldn't pause, but his curiosity overcame him. "Say, if it's okay to ask--what are you?" he called to the two creatures.

Both turned to face him, presenting full pairs of breasts.

"We are double-crossbreeds," the one with the fishtail said. "I am a cenmaid, centaur/mermaid for long; my friend's a harga, or harpy/naga."

"But--but--I'm a child!" David said stupidly, staring at their fronts. "I'm not supposed to see stuff like that."

Which was just exactly what he hadn't wanted to say; the madness had fouled him up.

The two lovely faces smiled. "Don't be concerned," the harga said. "We are merely dreams brought to you by our friend the cenmare, a centaur/night mare crossbreed, 'Bye." Both waved, and vanished.

David stared at the space they had vacated. "Did--did you see that?" he asked Chlorine.

"See what?" she asked.

So it was true: he had dreamed of those strange crossbreeds. Well, at least it meant he would not be in trouble for violating that Adult Conspiracy. But he wished he could have seen more of those creatures before they vanished.

They reappeared. "You do?" the cenmaid inquired, inhaling.

"Gee," David said. "Can you be my dreams any time I want?"

"Certainly, while the madness lasts." the harga replied, brushing out her hair and feathers. "Just desire to see us."

"I will!" he promised. "But right now I have to go rescue my little sister."

"You had better hurry," the cenmaid said. "She's about to get in trouble." The creatures faded.

They head on.

quote:

"Certainly," Chlorine agreed, pacing him. "Say, it's nice being healthy; I couldn't keep this up in my natural state."

David glanced at her. "You would drive Sean crazy, if he saw yon running."

"Really? I must be sure to run for him." They found Karen perched in a fork of an enormous tree. The tree's leaves looked like swatches of cloth, and its twigs looked like pins and needles. Its trunk seemed to be made of overlaying patches.

"She must be all right," Chlorine said. "That's a treemend-ous."

(Pun Count: 158)

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"I can see it's very big," David said. "But she could still be in trouble.

"No, a tree-men-dous mends anyone who climbs into it," Chlorine explained. "There's one not far from my home village. She chose the right tree to get into."

Chlorine explains what a wraith is, now.

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"An apparition, usually of a living person. But wraiths aren't real; they may just lead someone into mischief. Because the victim thinks the person is real, and means well, while the wraith doesn't mean well. Usually we don't see many wraiths, but the madness must be giving them more power."

Chlorine calls to Karen, but Karen is sure she's a fake. David comes and yells at her, being far less nice.

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"David!" she cried gladly. She came down so fast she almost tumbled. She leaped for him and plastered a sloppy kiss on his cheek.

"Stop slobbering on me, you brat," he said. "We've got to get back to Mom in a hurry."

"Yes, brother dear," she said. Then she aimed a kick at his shin, but he got his leg out of the way in time. He knew her ways, as she knew his.

Karen explains that chlorine had come before, but when Karen touched her hand, it went through. Karen confirms that this pair of Chlorine and Nimby is real, and says she knew David was real because the wraiths tried to be nice, and David isn't nice unless he has to be. Woofer and Tweeter, however, are still gone - Karen had sent them to find the others, but they never made it.

Pun Count: 158 by the end of Chapter 7.

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Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 8. Midrange is our POV.

quote:

David rushed up to him. "Midrange, we've got a problem. Nimby says Sean will be back here in twenty minutes, and they'll have to take off then, or the madness will make it impossible to reach Imp Erial tonight. So we'll have to go. But Nimby can't tell where the other pets are, because something is hiding them. There are phantoms of hundreds of dogs and birds looking just like them, and Nimby can see them all, but he can't tell which ones are the right ones. Not without going to them, and that would take too long, because the chances of finding the right ones in time are too small. But he says he can rescue them if he knows which ones they are. He found two pieces of reverse wood--do you know what that is? Well, neither do I. But he thinks it will help. If we can find them in time. Do you think you could find them?"

Midrange was insulted. Of course he could find them, if he chose to. It was just a matter of sniffing them out.

"But I gotta tell you," David rushed on. "If you look for them, and get lost yourself, then we'll have to go without you too. And Nimby thinks there's danger, because whatever is making all those phantom dogs and birds must be trying to hide them from us, and it will try to stop you from reaching them--or it will try to capture you too. So if you don't want to do it--"

Midrange knew that if he didn't do it, David would think it was because he lacked courage. He didn't care for that indignity. So he would rescue the mutt and bird. He had known them for some time, after all. He got ready to sniff them out.

"But Nimby does have a way to help you--by doing the same thing back to it that it's doing to us. Making copies. He found some catatonic you can take that'll make you spin off hundreds of copies of yourself. You'll be a real copycat! Then the thing won't know which one is the real you, and you should be able to get through without getting caught yourself. We think Woofer and Tweeter are caught in a cave, because the wraiths were trying to get Karen to go into a cave, and if she had, she'd probably also be caught now. So maybe look for a cave--and watch out. If you can find them within fifteen minutes, even if you do get caught yourself. Nimby can come and rescue you in his dragon form. He thinks there's nothing around here that can handle a dragon that size. Then he'll bring you back and we'll catch the RV and get on our way. Okay?"

(Pun Count: 159) Midrange takes the tonic. Every time he makes a sudden move, he will spawn an illusion of his own, which will find an illusion dog or bird and nullify it. Midrange heads off and finds Woofer's trail.

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But what about Tweeter? The bird had been riding on Karen's head, so the scent was very faint, and overridden by Karen's much stronger human traces. But that should improve when Tweeter left his associate and went with Woofer. Each of them had a pet human child; they had settled on that long ago, to make sure no child felt neglected. Because children were generally more fun than adult humans; they were more active, got into more mischief, and spent more time in the dirt. So Tweeter's pet was Karen, the smallest going to the smallest. Midrange had David in the middle, and Woofer tried to keep Sean out of trouble. If Woofer had been with Sean, Sean probably wouldn't have gotten swept away by the dam burst. Then he had muffed the rescue of Karen. Woofer just wasn't the most competent dog extant. But of course, no dog was really smart. That was why cats existed: there needed to be a gifted animal in every family, to keep it functional. But when a family scattered to different locales, it was hard to keep up with all its parts. That was why there was so much trouble now. Humans were dense about the need to remain close enough together for proper supervision.

It was time to test the phantom cat phenomenon. Midrange jerked to the side--and an image of himself fissioned off and bounded straight ahead. It made no sound and had no odor, but it did look solid, and it ran well. It even maneuvered around a tree. It would do to fool the dull senses of a human observer. Maybe even an animal observer, from a distance.

He jerked again, and another nondescript cat peeled off, running in the direction he had been going. So he could steer them in any direction. Good enough.

Midrange spots a Woofer, but it has no scent, so it must be a phantom. He sends a clone after it and learns that when clones touch phantoms, they are both destroyed, as he was told.

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The more phantom dogs he eliminated, the easier it would be to locate the real one. He jerked and dodged frantically, sending clones bounding off in all directions, a veritable horde. Then he resumed the sniffing of Woofer's trail.

Midrange finds where Karen had hidden herself. He follows Woofer from there, with Tweeter's scent helping him. He finds a crevice that Woofer must have found a way to cross. Midrange wants to stay off Woofer's exact trail, to avoid any traps Woofer might have fallen into, so he needs another way.

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He sniffed around, and found some flowers. What good were flowers? So he went on. Then something snarled at him from the brush. Midrange leaped onto the nearest tree trunk.

He looked down, and saw that it was only a little doglike creature. "What are you?" he demanded, annoyed because he had been affrighted while off-guard.

"I'm a snarl," the little canine growled. "Can't you tell, pussy?"

(Pun Count: 160)

quote:

This creature was not endearing himself. For reasons he didn't care to go into, Midrange did not like to be called pussy, especially in that tone. "No, I can't tell; you look more like a yelp to me," he retorted. "Where did you come from--a sick tangle tree?"

"Not quite. I was brushed out of a girl's hair. But she dropped me and left before I could adopt her as a pet. I'm not pleased. That's why I remain in a snarl." He glanced at Midrange. "I don't suppose you're looking for a proprietor?"

Midrange opened his mouth to say something truly catty, but caught himself. This creature just might be useful. It obviously wasn't a phantom. "I may be looking for a companion," he said carefully. "If he's useful."

"Useful?"

"I'm looking for a big dog and a small bird. Have you seen any such?"

"Actually I did, about two barks ago. They were following a wraith bleep."

"A wraith what?"

"The humans have this stupid Adult Conspiracy that forbids them to say the name of a female dog in the presence of a child. Since I derive from the snarled hair of a child, I, too, am bound by it. Idiotic, I know, but there it is."

Oh. "You did see them? Which, way did they go?"

"That way." The snarl pointed his pug nose. "The wraith was one extremely fetching bleep, I must say; if she'd been of my species, I would have followed her too. She even smelled right. The bird protested, but couldn't stop him."

Which seemed to be one difference between a wraith and a phantom. The wraiths could emulate creatures completely, except for their solidity. So Woofer, the big male idiot, had followed her, and Tweeter had had to go along lest they be separated.

Midrange decided to trust Snarl a bit, mainly because it might help him get on with his mission. "I need to cross this cleft, but I can't see a way. Do you know a way?"

"Certainly. Just use one of those daisies there." The nose pointed at the flowers.

"What good are they?"

"They're upsy-daisies. They grow into ladders to help you up, if you pick them and invoke them by saying their name."

(Pun Count: 161) Midrange and Snarl work together to get a ladder across the gap, which they cross. Midrange has Snarl pick up the trail, to see if he's trustworthy. Snarl is, and helps Midrange find the trail. He discusses with Snarl how he and the other pets got smarter in Xanth. Snarl explains about the shared languages of Xanth, and about dragons.

quote:

So Midrange had already gathered. But now they had to stop talking, because they were coming to a cave. The trail entered it. He even caught the faint perfume of the bleep who had lured Woofer in. Thanks to Snarl's help, it had taken him only another five minutes. Now he had five more minutes to assess the situation and summon Nimby.

Snarl hunts out a side entrance, and Midrange finds another one. They sneak in, but Snarl gives himself away with a yip. Woofer and Tweeter are just lying around in the cave. Snarl joins them, looking sad but obedient.

quote:

Then Snarl spoke. "I did not come alone. There is a cat who is coming to rescue the other dog and bird."

Why, the little traitor! He was blabbing the mission! Had Midrange trusted a spy?

"The cat is coming in another way," Snarl said. "In fact, he is crouching behind you."

That did it. Midrange leaped up, tiger fashion. "Woofer! Tweeter! Get out of here!" he cried. "I'll pounce on it."

Something swiveled around to face him. It was a TV screen, with icons on it. One picture expanded: a cat going splat against an invisible wall in midair.

SPLAT! Midrange suited action to picture, and fell to the floor in a heap. Outraged, he gathered himself together for another pounce. But a picture appeared on the screen, showing a cat wading through supersticky dense glue, and he found he could move only excruciatingly slowly.

A picture of a dog talking appeared. With that. Woofer began to speak. "This is a machine called Sending, who was originally a program animating Magician Grey Murphy's Mundane computer. He helped Grey and Princess Ivy go to Xanth, provided they took him along. Now he is scheming to conquer Xanth. This will take time--a few thousand years--but he is patient. He is in the process of assembling a group of creatures and things to do his bidding. The recent influx of magic dust has enabled him to act more strongly. Thus he was able to lure me into his cave, though he failed with Karen. That's all right; he'll get her and the other humans when the magic intensifies enough."

(Pun Count: 161)

quote:

"But how does he do it?" Midrange asked.

"Sending has the power to change reality in his immediate vicinity," Woofer said. "Just as his sire. Com-Pewter, does. Pewter prints whatever he wishes reality to be, and it is then true, near him. Only Sending works better with icons, which he expands into pictures when he wants to invoke them. So he has made us captive by luring us into his ambiance, then invoking magic icons to control us. It is not possible to oppose his will, because he defines will here."

(Pun Count: 162)

quote:

"That's why I had to blab about your mission," Snarl said. "The icon made me. I'm sorry."

Now that Midrange had been snared by Sending, he understood how it was. "You had no choice," he said. But he realized that he, Midrange, had better exert some choice, because otherwise the wicked machine could force him to blab about Nimby coming to the rescue. He had to distract Sending a few more minutes. Maybe the machine was subject to flattery. "I thought I would find Woofer and Tweeter and rescue them. I guess I was pretty foolish."

An icon expanded into a picture of a clown laughing.

Sending thought it was very funny. "But instead I just got caught myself," he continued. "But I'm curious about one thing: how did you get those wraiths to help you, by luring folk into your cave? They were running far beyond your ambiance." Midrange was sure of that, because otherwise Sending would simply have changed reality for miles around, and made all creatures and people serve him.

The talking dog picture appeared again. "He explained that to us while we waited for others to try to rescue you, and thus to fall into his power," Woofer said. "He made a deal with the wraiths, that if they helped him achieve power, he would enable them to achieve solid form again. They are eager to gain some substance, so they cooperate."

"Substance?" Midrange asked. "How is that possible?"

"It is our substance they will be given," Woofer said sadly. "The wraiths will inhabit us and take over our bodies and minds."

A wraith rushes in to tell Sending about the approach of Nimby and Chlorine. Sending forces Midrange to reveal that they have reverse wood. Sending tries to close off the cave, but he's too late - the wood rolls in before he can. Sending tries to get them to push it out, but the ball falls apart and turns him off before they can act. Now they can leave easily, and are met by Chlorine and Nimby. Sending will remain off until someone removes the reverse wood.

quote:

They made it to the road, panting. There was the RV, just starting to move. The water had all drained away, leaving the surface drivable. "They don't see us!" Chlorine gasped.

Nimby snapped up a piece of wood, held it between his donkey teeth, lifted his head, and gave what sounded like a whistle in ducktalk. It was an awful noise. But it worked, the vehicle slowed.

"Nimby--you can talk!" Chlorine cried as they raced up to it. But the dragon shook his head, and Midrange knew why: he had made a sound, but it wasn't talking. The whistle had been artificial, because of air blown past the piece of wood, and meaningless, except in the sense that it signaled the whistler's presence. It was just noise, not talk.

Chlorine realized that after two-thirds of a moment.

"You made it, but it wasn't you. I should have realized."

She smiled. "So I'm not a whistler's mother. I'll survive."

(Pun Count: 163) They take Snarl along because he's been helpful, and David thanks Midrange. As they head on, Snarl looks out a window and spots his girl. Midrange gets them to stop

quote:

Snarl leaped to the floor and charged for the front, his stubby legs slipping on the unfamiliar surface. He arrived just as the girl was answering Jim-Dad's question. "I'm Ursa. I'm just looking for my dog. I was distracted and lost him, and I can't find him anywhere. I'm afraid he'll be hurt by the madness if I don't find him and take him home quickly. Have you seen--?"

Then Snarl launched himself out the door. Ursa saw him and plucked him out of midair. "Snarl! You're here! You're safe!" She hugged him joyfully, and his stubby little tail wagged ferociously.

So Snarl would not be traveling farther with them; he had found his ideal companion. Midrange looked out the window as the RV resumed motion. The girl waved, and Snarl barked. Then they were gone. Karen wiped away a tear, and Midrange's own eyes were wet, but of course, that was because of the lingering effect of the Crimea River.

Midrange notices that Sean is back, but oddly subdued. Then he naps. He wakes up to find Jim swerving the RV to avoid dragonfire - but once a flame hits, they find it's just illusion. They ignore threats after that.

quote:

Then there was a sign: JUNK SHUN. "What do you suppose that means?" Jim-Dad asked rhetorically. "I don't remember it from before."

It soon turned out to be a crossroads where there was a huge pile of garbage, refuse, and junk. Was it real--or more illusion? A lot of that junk was in the middle of the road; the vehicle could suffer damage if it plowed into it at speed.

(Pun Count: 163) Jim just drives through. It's illusion, too. Eventually, at dusk, they reach Imp Erial. Quieta is shocked that they came back.

quote:

Quieta wasted no time on amazement. "You can carry those piles of gems to the cave. Ersonal will show you the way."

(Pun Count: 164)

quote:

Midrange watched, as did Woofer and Tweeter. They weren't fit for carrying, but they could still help. When the humans returned, each animal showed some of them to a new pile. That way the imps didn't have to carry the piles to the staging region; they could be picked up directly from the buildings. When the imps saw that, they increased their efforts to get their wares out on the steps. There were barrels of beryls, each gem of which was a miniature barrel that would cause anyone who invoked it to bare all. Men liked to give these to innocent women, the imps explained. There were lapfuls of lapis, which would cause people to wee-wee unexpectedly; Midrange presumed those were for unfriends or those with certain bodily complications. There were pails of fire opals, which were little 0-shaped pails that would safely carry fire. There were chairs loaded with citrines, which were gems that caused folk to sit, and if they then took up a la-trine, they would sing, and more.

(Pun Count: 173)

quote:

There were collections of topaz, which were toe-shaped candies, yellow, peach, white, and blue. There were tiger eyes, through which one could catch a view of a tiger. In fact, there were so many kinds of gems that Midrange lost interest long before assimilating them all.

(Pun Count: 175)

quote:

"What kind of goofy creature are you?" an imp demanded.

Midrange stared at the imp, who was no larger than Midrange himself. "You must be Olite," he remarked in animal language, not expecting to be understood.

(Pun Count: 176)

quote:

"How did you guess, caterwaul?" the imp asked rudely. "Now, get your carcass out of my way so I can set these 0-nix stones down where your fat rump is."

(Pun Count: 178)

quote:

As David came to pick up the collection here, two more imps passed by. "You know. End, those huge humans have really helped us," one said. "Too bad this is only the beginning of Xanth's mischief."

(Pun Count: 179)

quote:

"You're right, Asse," the other replied. "They have enabled us to save our wares in time, for which we are deeply grateful, but the fate of the rest of Xantb seems worse."

(Pun Count: 180) Let us talk awkwardly to shoehorn plot out!

quote:

The two walked on, checking the various houses to make sure all the goods had been taken. But Midrange was bothered by their imp- lication. This wasn't the whole job?

(Pun Count: 181) Midrange goes to David and explains that there's still trouble. He should ask Nimby.

quote:

At that point Nimby approached. He always seemed to know when someone wanted to talk to him. The imps say there is danger for all Xanth, he thought to Nimby, who could read minds. What is it? Can we help? Tell David.

Nimby wrote a note and gave it to David. "There is danger!" David cried. "And we can help."

Chlorine approached. "There is more danger?" she asked.

David gave her the note. She read it and sighed. "Then I suppose we'll have to tell the others, though I fear this will lead to complications."

[...]

Chlorine tousled his hair. Midrange saw the effect it had on the boy; if Sean was three-quarters-smitten by her beauty, David was half- smitten. "Really, I don't mind. But how did you know to ask Nimby about it?"

"Midrange told me."

Chlorine looked at Midrange with mock severity. "So you're the one!" She tousled his fur too. And he, too, loved it. There was just something about a stunningly beautiful woman with a nice personality, even if he knew it was all an enchantment made by a donkey-headed dragon.

And the truth was that this was the best adventure Midrange himself had ever had. It had everything: a dragon, a damsel, peril, magic, mystery, and madness. What more could a bored tomcat desire?

Pun Count: 181 by the end of Chapter 8.

# ? Dec 20, 2013 17:58

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 9. Chlorine is our viewpoint. She reports the danger to all Xanth to Jim, who wants to talk to Nimby about it.

quote:

"'The storm is unique because it is foreign,'" Jim read. "'It will continue to grow in strength, and the magic dust it spreads will devastate all of Xanth if not stopped. Those who live underground, or take cover there, will survive, but those who remain on the ground, in the water, or in the air will suffer grievously. Most of the vegetation will be blown away. What remains will be a paltry remnant. But it is possible for this party to ameliorate it, if we take immediate and effective action, at some risk to ourselves.'"

The family decides to do it. The party must now split up.

quote:

"Nimby believes that you will not be able to accomplish that mission until Xanth itself is secured," Jim said. "So it seems we shall have to take the risk. You must go with Nimby to fetch the windbreaker; we must go to Castle Roogna to get help in enlisting Fracto Cumulo Nimbus in the cause of saving Xanth."

(Pun Count: 182) Chlorine thinks to herself that the only aggravating thing about Nimby is that he seems to think he knows everything.

quote:

Then he wrote another note. It said: I know what is going on in Xanth, not what will happen. I know that Fracto and the windbreaker can save Xanth, but not whether they will. I know the best way to achieve these things, but not whether they will be achieved. I do not mean to be aggravating.

And how could she be mad at him? He was making her beautiful, smart, and healthy, and helping her have the greatest adventure of her life. "I'm sorry for what I thought," she said, for of course, he had made her nice, too. She knew she wouldn't much care about his feelings in her natural state, but she was glad to be the way he had made her. She felt so much better about herself this way, and not just because of the way others saw her. She owed Nimby everything.

Jim will sleep while Mary drives the family to Castle Roogna. Quieta's daughter Trenita offers to be their guide.

quote:

So they bid a second parting to the imps, who Chlorine suspected were just as glad not to have to entertain the family in the sanctuary cave, and went their ways. The Baldwin family piled into their traveling house and moved off, Mary at the wheel, with Trenita Imp lifted into the seat next to Karen. Chlorine and Nimby saw them off. It looked as if the vehicle were stretching and twisting like a giant caterpillar, but she knew that was just the effect of the madness.

Then she turned to her companion. "So how do we find this windbreaker?" she asked.

He wrote a note: It is one of the possessions of Sending. We must obtain it from the ambitious program.

Nimby says that Sending, being rational, will help them if approached correctly. They must bring him a gift and answer his twenty questions.

quote:

"Twenty questions? I may be smart, now, thanks to you, but I'm not sure I could answer that many without a stumble. What happens if we miss one?"

We become two of Sending's artifacts.

"Nuh-uh, Nimby! I already have an assignment, and after that I'll have to go home and become dull again. I can't get locked into slavery for some cold machine."

But I can answer the questions.

"Oh. If you're sure. How do we get there? It was a long fast ride in the Mundane moving house, and I don't think we could walk that far tonight, even without the interference of the madness, not to mention the wind." For the wind was rising again, blowing her skirt up and about, and trying to tangle her hair enough to form a pack of snarls.

Now that Sean wasn't here to goggle at her legs, she found this inconvenient.

They head out, getting a cloud out of a tree and getting into it to travel. Nimby sees Chlorine's panties, but isn't even bothered by it at all, which rather annoys her. Chlorine gets the cloud more comfortable and they wait.

quote:

"Nimby, exactly what are you?" she asked. "I mean, I know you're a donkey-headed dragon who knows what's going on, and you can make me beautiful and yourself handsome. But I never heard of any creature like you before. Where did you come from? What did you do all day? "

Nimby's pad and pencil appeared. He wrote a note, and gave it to her. She read it aloud. " 'I am a special variety of monster. I contest endlessly with others of my kind for status. We live only for games, whose rules are somewhat arbitrary and stringent. If we violate them, we lose the game. Some games are brief, while some take centuries.'"

She looked up. "Centuries! Your kind must live a long time!" Nimby nodded apologetically.

She resumed reading. "'Status is indicated by the delimiters. Ordinary status is parentheses, and the next stage is brackets, and braces, and angles, though for convenience we usually just use parentheses.'"

She broke off again. "You must lead the dullest life imaginable. Nimby! No wonder you came to share an adventure with me. It's bad enough being a donkey-headed dragon, but to be limited, I mean delimited in braces-- you poor thing!" She tossed aside the note, which dissolved into a wisp of smoke and disappeared.

(Pun Count: 183)

quote:

Nimby nodded. Oddly, he looked more relieved than limited. But Chlorine remained bored, and it was obvious that Nimby's background was even more boring.

So she made a decision. "Nimby, back when we first got together, I said I would teach you romance, when the right time came. I think that time is now. We have a lot of adventure behind us, and probably a lot more ahead of us, but right now we have none. Since we can't be sure that everything will work out for the best, we might as well make the most of what offers right now." She glanced at him. "Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?"

Nimby shook his head.

She laughed. "You can read my mind, but you can't understand what I'm thinking, because you're really a striped dragon with a donkey head and you don't understand human emotion. Well, because I know what you are, there can't be anything serious between us, no lasting relationship, just as there couldn't be with young Sean Mundane, though it was fun having him watch me, though the past few hours he ignored me, even when I came perilously close to exposing my--" She severed that unpleasant thought. "And you will surely never break my heart and make me cry." Though, oddly. Nimby did seem to look sad at that point. "But I do appreciate what you are doing for me. Nimby, and I think it only fair to repay you in my fashion. So I'll show you how to act, as if you were really a handsome human man and not a laughably weird exotic creature. Who knows, the information might come in handy sometime. And maybe it'll be fun." She glanced at him again. "Do you understand anything yet?"

He shook his head.

"Well, you will find out. I am going to show you how to summon the stork. Too bad it's not for real. But we'll pretend it is. Now I think I have practiced enough with Sean to know what turns a man on. If I can turn you on, I'll know I'm getting there. Are you ready?"

Nimby looked doubtful.

Chlorine smiled. "So we're starting from neutral. Good. Now, since you can't speak, I shall have to speak both our parts. But you can perform the actions for yourself. It's all like a play put on by the Curse Fiends, and we know we don't mean any of it, but it may be interesting anyway. Whatever I say I'll do, I'll do, and whatever I say you'll do, you'll do. Understand?"

Nimby nodded, still dubiously.

"You say with masculine boldness, 'What is your name, pretty girl?' And I flutter my eyelashes demurely and reply, 'Chlorine, handsome man, and what is yours?' And you say, 'I am Nimby. I'm a dashing dragon of a man. I have come to take you away from all this.' And I say, 'Oh, sir, how romantic! I think I will kiss you.' And I do." She turned to face him, as they lay side by side within the bowl, and kissed him firmly on the mouth. Despite her artificial dialogue, she was getting into it, and the kiss felt real. For one thing. Nimby was kissing her back, so he did understand that much.

"And then you, being a man, have mainly one thing on your mind," she continued. "And that is summoning the stork. So you say, 'Chlorine, you are very pretty, but I think you would look downright lovely with less on.' And you put your hand on my knee and squeeze, gently." She took his hand and set it there when he hesitated. "And I say, innocently, 'Oh, do you really think so? Would you like me to show you my panties?' And you are so excited at the prospect that you can't even speak at the moment, so you just nod and smile. And then--"

She broke off, for there was a face at the window, with two big eyes. "What is this!" she cried, annoyed. She threw a cloud-fluff pillow at it. The pillow struck the head and fragmented into smithereens. Then she saw that it wasn't a head, it was a rotating set of blades. As they turned, they formed the face. It was a window fan. Such creatures loved to peer into windows. That really turned them on, so that they spun faster.

(Pun Count: 184)

quote:

Fortunately her thrown pillow had gummed up its works and blinded it. It would peer in her window no more. "Now, where exactly were we?" she inquired, recovering her bearings, as she unbound her green-gold hair to float in a luxuriant mass around her shoulders. "Oh, yes, the high point of any man's life: to see the color of her panties. (No, we won't mention that you made nice ones for me; that isn't part of this script. You are now in innocent horny male mode). I have just made the supreme offer, and you are gaga at the very notion. So you nod yes, you are hot to see them, for they are surely Xanth's most delightfully naughty sight. And by this time I am hot to show you, knowing that it will probably freak you out, not to mention inflame your passion beyond endurance, requiring me to kiss you and stroke you back to some semblance of sanity. So--"

She loosened her dress and drew it up and over her head. "Of course, you can't see them yet, because I'm wearing a slip under my dress. I am such an awful tease, as is required by the Big Book of Rules for Adult Conspiracy Indiscretions. However--"

There was a shuddering in the cloud, and the sound of heavy tromping. "What now?" Chlorine demanded, her patience showing a sign of wanting to wander, if not to get lost.

Nimby's pad and pencil appeared. But before he completed his note, the cloud cover shook violently, sending Chlorine tumbling slip over flying hair. Then another face appeared in the window.

"I thought I got rid of you," she said. But then she realized that this was a different face, huge and fat and vaguely masculine.

"Any ogres here?" the face inquired, licking its thick lips.

Her patience slipped another notch. "Do I look like an ogre?" she demanded, swinging her legs in his direction.

He blinked, but evidently was not sufficiently human to freak out at the sight. "No, you look like a luscious morsel of a damsel girl with pretty good legs."

He had been doing okay until the last three words. Her last nerve frayed, on the verge of snapping. "Pretty good?" she demanded. "And just what do you consider to be good legs?"

"Why, ogre legs, of course."

"Ogre legs! Ogre legs!?" she screeched in what might have passed for harpy fashion, if one had that low a mind. "What kind of creature are you?"

"I'm an ogre eater, of course," he explained.

(Pun Count: 185)

quote:

"An ogre eater! You mean you eat ogres? I never heard of that before."

"Well, there aren't many of us, because ogres don't taste very good." He glanced again at her legs. "But I suppose if there aren't any ogres, you might do; your legs have a fair amount of healthy meat on them."

She tells it to go away, so it does. Problem solved.

quote:

She saw Nimby holding his note. "Never mind that," she told him. "I found out for myself. Now let's resume our activity before something else interrupts. I wish this cloud floated just a bit higher, so sundry folk couldn't just peek in."

Nimby started to get up.

"No, don't see about doing something about it," she said quickly. "That'll just distract us. I want to get the bleep on with this, before we arrive where we're going and it's too late. Can you appreciate that?"

Nimby looked appreciative. In fact, she had the impression that he was definitely getting intrigued by her ongoing lesson of love. Good. It was nice being so beautiful as to inflame men's minds, and so sexy as to force them to think of only one thing: summoning the stork. She had verified that it worked on Sean Mundane, but he was young.

Nimby was mature.

She lifted her slip to knee height, tantalizingly. Nimby looked really interested. She was ready to lift it all the way clear, but didn't. Her hands just wouldn't do it. What was the matter with her? Here was her chance to do what no man had been interested in doing with her before, yet she was stalling. Why?

Nimby wrote another note. Because you know I am only a donkey-headed dragon, and you want a real man.

She realized it was true. She could playact all she wanted, and craft any script she wanted, but down underneath she knew it wasn't real, because he wasn't real. In fact, she wasn't real either; she was just a plain and somewhat ornery girl making a pretense. What was the use of that?

Yet if she didn't take advantage of her opportunity now, her adventure might be over before she had another chance. So maybe pretense was better than nothing at all.

"Darn it. Nimby, let's do it anyway! I want to show my panties to someone, and you may never get to see another girl's panties, I mean, not when she's not thinking of you as some stupid beast who doesn't count. Would you like to go ahead?"

Nimby nodded.

Chlorine took hold of her slip again. "Then watch this, and be amazed." She took a two-handed grip and hauled it right up and over her head. She flung it away and stood proudly in her pale green/yellow bra and panties.

But Nimby didn't freak out. Because not only was he a dragon, it was his magic that had made this limited clothing, as well as her present body. None of it was new or novel to him. "Oh, this isn't working!" she cried, frustrated anew. "I'm just going through meaningless motions, and boring you to oblivion. I'm sorry. Nimby."

Nimby wrote a note and handed it to her. I am not bored.

But she knew better. "How can you be interested in what you yourself made? I might as well revert to my natural state, where my panties don't even pretend to be interesting, let alone man-freaking." She fetched back her slip and put it back on. "I apologize for dragging you through this embarrassing charade. Nimby. I won't do it again. I could just cry with frustration--but I can't risk even that."

Nimby, looking alarmed, started to write another note.

"No, don't do it," she told him firmly. "Don't try to tell me something you think will make me feel good. Let's leave the illusions for those who don't know better."

Nimby looked sad, but his notepad disappeared.

Chlorine fetched her dress and donned it. "But I want you to know that I do like you. Nimby, and respect you, and if you were a real man, I would have done it with you. Even if you were a near-man, like a Curse Fiend or maybe a Demon. Demons know how to appreciate mortal women, physically at least. But a dragon? All this must be utterly laughable to you. So I won't bore you anymore; I owe you at least that much. You have been a really good sport."

Chlorine almost cries, but doesn't. They arrive and get out, though Chlorine has to climb down Nimby to do it.

quote:

"I hope I don't pull your pants off," she said. But she knew that wouldn't happen. Nothing ever went wrong with Nimby. That thought made her regret for one or two instants that she hadn't continued her script in the cloud, at least up to the point of getting his pants Off. She was curious about--but that was an unmaidenly thought--and what was he thinking of it now?

However, someone laughs.

quote:

There was a man emerging from the forest beside the road. He wore dirty clothes and had a large rusted metal can for a hat. "Do it again, sister!" he brayed. "Maybe this time I'll see something interesting."

Chlorine knew his type. He was a junk male--who traveled around to take up the attention of people who didn't want him, and acted like trash. There were way too many of his kind cluttering up the space of decent folk. She knew exactly how to handle him.

(Pun Count: 186)

quote:

"Is this interesting enough?" she called sweetly as she got to her feet. When she was sure he was watching, she turned around and flipped up her skirt and slip.

There was silence. She let her clothing fall back into place and turned around. The junk male was lying on his back, staring at the sky, not moving a muscle. He was absolutely stiff. He would remain that way for some time.

Solution to catcalls: flash them. They head into Sending's lair, picking up the reverse wood, which is apparently harmless to Nimby. Chlorine wonders why.

quote:

"Sending," she said firmly, "We have come to make a deal with you. You can't change our reality because I have this ball of reverse wood, and if anything happens to me, I'll drop it and the two pieces will fall apart and stop reversing each other and resume reversing you, as they did before. You will become an unmagical collection of junk. Do you understand?"

The screen blinked. The question mark faded out.

"We want to obtain the windbreaker," she continued. "I understand you have it, and we can get it from you if we answer your twenty questions. Is that correct?"

The screen brightened. The man figure smiled. Then the screen split, with the upper section showing an icon of a pretty young woman holding a jacket, and the lower section showing the young woman and a young man in chains.

"If we answer all the questions correctly, we get the windbreaker," she said, interpreting. "If we don't, we both become your slaves for life." She paused, glancing a bit apprehensively at Nimby. Was he sure--?

But Nimby nodded. So she took her courage in one trembling hand and proceeded. "That seems fair. We agree. The two of us will consult on each question, and decide on the answer; only when I address you directly, Sending, will it count. Agreed?"

[...]

Now print appeared on the screen. So Sending could print, when he chose to; he wasn't limited to icons and pictures. FIRST A SAMPLE QUESTION, TO BE SURE WE AGREE ON THE MANNER OF THE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. THIS IS FOR DEMONSTRATION PURPOSE ONLY.

"Agreed." Chlorine suspected that there were rules about such things, and Sending didn't want his prospective victory to be nullified by a technicality.

QUESTION SAMPLE #1, REFERRING TO THE THIRD OF THE MUSE'S HISTORICAL TEXTS OF XANTH: WHEN MAGICIAN DOR, THEN AGE TWELVE, TRIED TO STOP THE FORGET SPELL'S COUNTDOWN IN THE YEAR 236, IT DID NOT RESPOND. SINCE IT WAS ABLE TO SPEAK ONLY BY HIS MAGIC, WHICH ENABLED HIM TO, SPEAK TO THE INANIMATE AND HAVE IT ANSWER, WHY DID HE NOT SIMPLY WITHDRAW HIS MAGIC SO THAT IT COULD NO LONGER SPEAK?

Chlorine read the question, and quailed. She remembered from her centaur history classes (before she flunked out) that Prince Dor had traveled eight hundred years into Xanth's past and detonated the Forget Spell, making the Gap Chasm be forgotten for eight hundred years until the Time of No Magic broke up the enchantment, but the logic of this was beyond even her enhanced intelligence. If this was typical of the questions to come, she would be doomed before she started.

But Nimby was writing a note. He gave it to her, and suddenly the answer was clear. "'He did not do that because it would not have been effective,'" she read. "'The Forget Spell would merely have counted silently, and detonated anyway. The countdown could not be stopped, once started.'"

The screen went blank for a moment. Sending had evidently expected her to get it wrong, and was disconcerted.

But in another moment it recovered. CORRECT. THAT WAS AN EASY ONE, OF COURSE. THE REAL QUESTIONS WILL BE MORE DIFFICULT. ARE YOU PREPARED TO ADDRESS THEM?

Chlorine bit her tongue to get some saliva in her dry mouth, and responded with fake confidence. "Of course. Let's see a nice challenging one."

But the machine wouldn't be bluffed. QUESTION #1:

WHEN MAGICIAN TRENT FIRST ATTEMPTED TO CONQUER XANTH IN THE YEAR 1021, IT WAS SAID THAT HE CHANGED MEN INTO PISH AND LET THEM EXPIRE ON DRY LAND. HE DENIES IT. WHAT IS THE TRUTH?

She quailed again, worse. How could anyone ever know what had happened seventy-five years ago? But Nimby was writing a note. She took it and read it aloud, knowing that if it wasn't the correct answer, she would not be able to do any better on her own. " 'Magician Trent did transform men into fish, but he did it by a river, where they fell in and swam. Then he walked away. But some of the fish, thinking that they were still men, scrambled back onto land and perished. Magician Trent never saw those ones, so did not know.'"

Remember: Chlorine is super smart. She literally cannot answer questions about history that happened within living memory.

quote:

If Sending was impressed or disconcerted, he did not show it. His screen flashed the next one. QUESTION #2:

MAGICIAN BINK'S TALENT IS THAT HE CAN NOT BE HARMED BY MAGIC. THUS THE GAP DRAGON, BEING A MAGICAL CREATURE, COULD NOT HARM HIM DESPITE MAKING THE EFFORT. YET HE WAS CHOKED BY CHESTER CENTAUR AND ALMOST SUFFOCATED BY A TANGLE TREE, BOTH OF WHICH ARE MAGICAL CREATURES. HOW CAN THIS BE SO?

Chlorine was amazed. "That's Bink's talent? I always thought he had no magic!"

SO YOU WILL THINK AGAIN, FOR OTHERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO KNOW. YOU WILL FORGET THIS QUESTION AND ITS ANSWER AFTER THIS SESSION IS OVER.

Meanwhile Nimby was writing again. She took the paper and read it: "'This is a deceptive question. You implied a connection that does not necessarily exist. Bink can not be harmed by magic, but can be harmed by magic creatures if they do not employ magical means. That is, a dragon could chomp him mechanically, but could not enchant him magically. His talent does not regard threats or even bruising to be harm, only permanent physical damage. So there is no conflict.'"

The screen faded for a long instant or short moment, she had set the disreputable device back again. Rather, Nimby had; her respect for his intellect was verging on awe. How could a funny dragon know so much? Sure, it was his talent, but so was the way he changed the two of them into a lovely human couple. How could he have two magic talents?

Nimby passed her another note. Only the form changing is magic; the knowledge is inherent in my nature.

Oh. Of course. But he was still one supremely remarkable creature!

The next question was on the screen. QUESTION #3: THE FORGET SPELL CONTROLLED THE GAP CHASM UNTIL THE TIME OF NO MAGIC IN THE YEAR 1043, SO THAT ONLY THOSE ACTUALLY WITHIN IT COULD REMEMBER IT. YET WHEN MAGICIAN TRENT RETURNED FROM MUNDANIA IN 1042 HE REMEMBERED IT. HOW CAN THIS BE?

Chlorine whistled inwardly. These weren't mere questions of who did what when; they were crafted to require extraordinary comprehension of all Xanth history. Only the Good Magician Humfrey could possibly know all the answers--and Nimby. She could almost have suspected that Nimby was the Good Magician, if she hadn't seen them together. Maybe they were related, and Nimby was performing a service for Humfrey, just as she was. For the good of Xanth.

The next note came. "'The magic of Xanth has little effect in Mundania,'" she read, "'and Magician Trent had been there twenty years. It took time for the Forget Spell to reassert itself with him. In due course he did forget it again.'"

Yeah, this is Piers Anthony hastily filling plot holes pointed out to him, if you hadn't guessed.

quote:

QUESTION #4: WHEN BINK AND CHAMELEON, IN THE GUISE OF SMART UGLY FANCHON, LEFT XANTH THAT SAME YEAR, THEY WERE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE MUNDANES THEY ENCOUNTERED. HOW COULD THIS BE, AS MUNDANIAN IS UNINTELLIGIBLE TO XANTHIANS?

She simply read Nimby's answer, because as usual, she had no idea. "'This is another trick question. Bink and Chameleon never heard Mundanian; they remained in the fringe of Xanth magic, and the Mundanes were automatically talking Xanthian.'"

So it continued. How could Girard Giant know of Magician Murphy, who had been banished over seven hundred years before Girard was delivered by an exhausted stork? Because Girard did know some history. Why did the Ghost Writer write, "Never (such) a cleavage" when he saw luscious Nada Naga, when the Gorgon and Irene and any number of buxom nymphs and centaur fillies had similar figures? Because the Ghost Writer had not yet encountered those others, and in any event he was speaking hyperbolically, as writers do. Why didn't the centaurs teach Prince Dolph how to spell? Because they had tried with his father, Dor, and failed spectacularly. There had to be some learning ability in the student, or even a centaur couldn't make much of an impression. Why did Prince Dolph sometimes change form slowly, instead of instantly? For variety. Why did Magician Humfrey take Lethe elixir to forget Rose of Roogna for eighty years, but forget everything else in that period too? Because there was too much of her in their time together; to remember the rest without her would have led to Lethe-nulling paradox.

(Pun Count: 187)

quote:

She read off the answers, hardly assimilating their details, until she came to #19. It wasn't that it was any less devious or difficult, but that she realized that they were reaching the end; this one, and one more, and they would win! That gave her sudden shakes.

IN ONE OF THE MUSE CLIO'S VOLUMES OF THE HISTORY OF XANTH WE ARE TOLD THAT THE NIGHT MARES ARE CONFINED TO THE LAND OF XANTH. IN ANOTHER WE LEARN THAT NIGHT MARES ALSO SERVICE MUNDANIA. HOW CAN THIS BE?

Chlorine dreaded that seemingly innocent query, knowing that it wasn't innocent at all, it was a challenge. Had the malignant machine caught the Muse herself in an error?

Then how could the question be answered definitively?

Her knees felt like noodles in heating water.

But Nimby never paused. He wrote his note and gave it to her. She read it and was delighted with the simplicity and clarity of the answer, so obvious in retrospect.

"'Mundania, like Xanth, changes over the years. Sometimes the borders are closed and the night mares are confined to Xanth; at other times the portal at No Name Key is opened and the mares go through unimpeded. The Muse notes the situation at the time of that particular volume. There is no inconsistency when time is taken into account.'"

The screen dimmed. The surly system had thought he had a winner, and had not. Only one more question, and it was bound to be the worst.

QUESTION #20: HUMAN COLONIZATION OF XANTH DATES FROM THE YEAR ZERO, DEFINED BY THE ARRIVAL OF THE FIRST WAVE, 1,096 YEARS AGO. YET THE SEA HAG IS KNOWN TO BE THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD, HOW CAN THIS BE?

Now Chlorine's knees definitely softened. She knew of the wicked Sea Hag, who had indeed lived for thousands of years by taking over the bodies of young folk and using them until they were old and worn-out by her awful lifestyle and degraded attitudes. Where could she have come from, if she was older than human colonization of Xanth?

She couldn't have been Mundane, for Mundanes had no magic; she had to have been delivered in magical Xanth.

She was, despite her haggishness, definitely human. Could Nimby answer this one?

Nimby could. She cursed herself for falling into another neat little trap as she read his answer. Sullen Sending had played it sneaky right to the end. " 'The Sea Hag dates not from the First Wave, which signaled the beginning of continuous human occupation of Xanth, but from the first lost human colony of Xanth, circa minus 2200. That colony faded out three hundred years later, having been careless about love springs, and crossbred with other creatures, forming harpies, merfolk, naga, sphinxes, ogres, goblins, elves, fauns, nymphs, fairies, and other species. So the Sea Hag is approximately three thousand, two hundred and ninety-six years old, normally simplified as thousands."

The evil entity's screen turned furious red. Roils of smoke crossed it. Lightning jags flickered. Sending was not a good loser. But he had lost, and knew it. TAKE THE WINDBREAKER. A panel opened in the cave wall behind the screen, revealing a closet where a motley white jacket hung.

Chlorine is disgustingly sweet at Sending, to annoy him more. It asks if it can ask a personal question, but they refuse it. It tries to stop them leaving, but they threaten it with reverse wood and leave. Chlorine puts on the windbreaker and the chapter ends.

Pun Count: 187 by the end of Chapter 9.

# ? Dec 20, 2013 20:52

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

This is a love story about two people who must learn to look beyond each other's ugly inner selves and realize that the outside is sexy and that's all that really matters in a relationship.

# ? Dec 21, 2013 21:41

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

Alopex posted:

This is a love story about two people who must learn to look beyond each other's ugly inner selves and realize that the outside is sexy and that's all that really matters in a relationship.

If only this was all there was to it.

# ? Dec 21, 2013 22:28

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 10. We rejoin the Baldwins from Karen's POV. We learn that this is the first time Trenita has ever left home, despite her being the same age as Mary. However, she does know the way to Roogna.

quote:

"I am sure you will love it. It has an orchard where all manner of things grow, such as pie trees."

"Gee�even chocolate pies?"

"Especially those. The royal children have insisted on them, and on bubblegum trees."

(Pun Count: 188) Yadda yadda, Bink family line, all Magicians. Also, storks.

quote:

"You mean it's literal here? Babies aren't born?"

"Born?"

"You know. From their mothers."

"Oh, borne. The storks deliver them to their proper mothers, of course, after they have been ordered."

(Pun Count: 189) And now, apparently, 'born' is not a word in Xanth.

quote:

"Ordered? You mean like from a novelty catalog?"

"From a cat? A log? No, a message is sent to the stork."

(Pun Count: 190) We also learn the rationale for the Adult Conspiracy.

quote:

"Because then they might summon storks themselves, and not take care of their babies."

Karen considered that. She knew of cases in Mundania where exactly that had happened. "But the words�why forbid them? They aren't babies. They won't suffer if children say them, will they?"

"But others would suffer. Have you seen the burned foliage where harpies roost? Would you want human children to do that?"

"Gee�I could burn things with words, if I knew the words? I'd love that."

Trenita sighed. "Well, the full name is the Adult Conspiracy to Keep Interesting Things from Children."

"That's more like it," Karen agreed, vindicated.

Trenita directs Mary to turn at the Gap, since the ferry is now closed and they have to use the bridge. Trenita, meanwhile, tells Karen about how Ortant became mayor.

quote:

Trenita smiled reminiscently. "My grandfather had once been ambitious. Then my grandmother died, and he lost his ambition. He got caught by an alligator clamp, which was slowly chewing off his leg, until a big ugly ogre named Smash roared it off. It occurred to my grandfather that if a creature that horrendous could do such a favor for one so small, the least he could do in return was to become worthwhile. So he resumed his ambition, and worked hard, and lived up to his name."

(Pun Count: 191)

quote:

"And became Important," Karen said, liking it. "That's nice."

Mary stops, as the bridge seems too small, but Trenita explains that it's always large enough for whatever uses it. They cross the Gap, despite illusions trying to make the bridge seem either gone or curved. Soon, an illusion dragon swallows them.

quote:

They faced out the window. "Hey, slimeball!" Karen called. "Whatcha eating tonight?"

"How about fried worms and day-old squished caterpillars?" Sean inquired.

The slime quivered. It might be illusion, but it heard them. That was the great thing about Xanth: even the inanimate had feelings. Even things that didn't exist could hear and react. Karen had sort of figured it would be that way, and it was good to be back in form with Sean.

"I should have known you were a dragon without guts," Karen said. "Just slimy smoke."

"Pretty puny effort, if you ask me," Sean agreed loudly, "I thought at least we'd see a decent show."

The slime became guts. They were gruesomely realistic, oozing juices and slip-sliding over each other. Karen was on the verge of nauseated, but she controlled her reaction.

(Pun count: 192)

quote:

"I've seen better guts on a drunk," she declared.

"On a drunk pig," Sean agreed. "This sure is a boring place. Maybe the next illusion will have some oomph to it."

The guts became a roaring furnace. This illusion was angry now. Good. Karen faked a yawn. "Booring," she said.

"For sure," Sean agreed. "Let's make faces at each other, Karen; that'll be scarier."

"Anything would be scarier," she agreed. She put her fingers in her mouth and pulled it wide as she stuck out her tongue.

Sean pretended to gouge out his own eyes and hand her an eyeball. Karen accepted it and popped it in her mouth.

She made a burpy swallowing sound. "Yuck! It's raw.'"

Neither of them looked again at the illusion outside.

"It's gone," Trenita murmured.

"Right," Sean agreed. "Our act is so bad there's nothing that can stand it." He smiled at Karen. "Nice going, twerp,"

"Thanks, bleephead," she replied as he returned to his seat.

They head on, and Karen asks Trenita some more questions.

quote:

But she was not yet relaxed enough to sleep, despite the lateness of the hour. So she asked the imp something that was bound to be boring. "Why is it that all the men imps have punny names, like Ortant or Atient, while the girl imps don't?"

"Because the men are the ones who need the reassurance of meaningful names," Trenita replied. "We women already know our worth, so choose pretty names instead."

They reach the Roogna tree-guardians, who let them by once they explain that they're here to help save Xanth. Thus they make it to the castle itself without trouble. Electra comes out to meet them and insists they come in. (They mistake her for a servant, though they don't mention it until Trenita explains that she's a princess.) Dolph takes Trenita to the magic mirror to inform her family she's safe while the Baldwin family goes with Electra. They meet with Dor and Irene.

quote:

Then the King got to business. "The Good Magician informs us that you and a woman called Chlorine are able to help Xanth in a way that no others can, but that you need a guide to Mount Rushmost, where the winged monsters congregate."

(Pun Count: 193)

quote:

Queen Irene touched her arm reassuringly. "They are not our enemies, in this crisis; they wish to save Xanth as much as we do. Indeed, Roxanne Roc herself is now fetching your friends to that place."

(Pun Count: 194)

quote:

"A rock?" Mom asked.

Karen nudged her. "The big birds."

(Pun Count: 195)

quote:

"But the winds are now so high, and the magic dust so pervasive, that it isn't safe to let the rest of you travel that way," King Dor said. "So we are arranging for you to use one of the demon tunnels. However, not all demons can be trusted, especially in heightened madness, so we are trying to locate one who can."

"I can do it," a handsome man said, stepping forward.

The King shook his head. "We must keep you here at Castle Roogna, Prince Vore, as liaison with the demons. We can trust no one else in this particular crisis."

(Pun Count: 196) Jenny is assigned to help the Baldwins as they go eat and wait for the demoness guide to arrive.

quote:

"What's there to do around this joint?" David asked in his crude boyish way.

"Joint?" Jenny Elf asked, perplexed. "Joy'nt Bones is not here."

(Pun Count: 197) Jenny takes David to see the Tapestry, along with the pets. She then takes Karen to meet Dawn and Eve.

quote:

The two little girls turned suddenly shy, letting half a titter escape. Electra smiled. "They don't see many little girls here. Ask them to tell you about something animate or inanimate."

"What about my bird?" Karen asked.

Dawn smiled and lifted her hand. Tweeter flew to it.

"Oh! You are from beyond Xanth," the girl said. "You were hatched from the third egg in your mother's nest and taken to a nasty cage, where Karen rescued you, two years ago." It was clear by the bird's reaction that this was accurate. "Since then you have been happy, except that she goes away every day and leaves you in a cage."

"I have to go to school," Karen protested. "I'd rather take Tweeter with me, but the school won't let me."

Tweeter nodded, forgiving her, and flew back to her hair. Now Karen dug into her pocket and brought out her nylon comb. She passed it to Eve.

The girl focused on the comb. "You are strange," she said. "You started as a blob of goo buried deep in the ground, until a big pipe sucked you up, and you got run through something like a dragon's gut and then got squeezed out into the form you have now. Karen found you in a drawer with many other combs just like you, but now you are the only one for her. Once she lost you under the�under a moving house�but found you the next morning. You have combed out forty-one snarls, a hundred and forty-two tangles, and several thousand curls, but are ready for more. None of them lived, for some reason."

Karen was impressed. She hadn't counted the snarls and tangles, but the numbers sounded right. And she had indeed once lost the comb under the RV, and found it by chance in the morning. Eve had gotten all that just from holding the comb for a moment. "The snarls and tangles didn't live because they weren't in Xanth," she explained.

Then they all go to meet Ivy's new triplets, Melody, Harmony and Rhythm.

quote:

"They are too young to show their talents, but we found out anyway. Whatever they sing and play together will become real. When they are separate, their individual talents will be less. But since they'll mostly be together, it's a very strong talent. The centaur tutors will have a time making them behave!"

Karen also introduces Tweeter to Ivy.

quote:

"He's Tweeter," Karen explained shyly. "My brothers have a dog named Woofer and a cat named Midrange, so�" But she saw that the woman didn't understand. "They're Mundane words."

"I can see why the dog and bird would be named as you have them," Ivy said. "But shouldn't the cat be Meower?"

Karen tried again. "In Mundania, a speaker system� that is, something that makes sounds�has a big cone called a woofer, and a small cone called a tweeter, and a middle cone called a midrange. So�"

"Oh, I see!" Ivy exclaimed. "Midrange. How clever." But she seemed a bit uncertain.

"Let's go see Demonica," Dawn said brightly.

(Pun Count: 198) They head out.

quote:

"When it's the wrong time of the month, we call her Poison Ivy," Jenny confided in a whisper. Karen would have laughed, but she wasn't sure it was funny. What did the time of the month have to do with anything, unless it meant a holiday?

(Pun Count: 199)

quote:

Demonica turned out to be the half-demon daughter of Prince Demon Vore, whom they had seen downstairs, and Princess Nada Naga, a woman who would have popped Sean's eyes right out of their smoking sockets. She was rocking her baby as they entered, but was willing to let Karen hold her. "But aren't you afraid I'll drop her?"

Demonica, as a half-demon, can shapeshift and alter herself. She's much faster than Threnody is at it, though not as fast as an actual demon. Nada explains that all the royals are at Roogna because of Roogna's protective magic in the storm. Meanwhile, Mentia shows up. (Pun Count: 200) She is annoyed at the girls complaining about boys, since the stork brought Metria a boy. (Pun Count: 201) His name is Ted. Demon Ted. (Pun Count: 202) And yes, this gets spelled out.

quote:

Karen managed to put it together. Demon Mentia�dementia. She was a bit crazy, as her clothing indicated. Demon Ted�demented. Demon Vore�devour. She laughed.

[...]

"Were you curious about how the other half-demon baby was doing?"

"That, too," Mentia said. "They should be great playmates. Maybe they'll grow up and marry one day. But I came here because I was summoned. It seems Xanth needs me."

"Xanth certainly needs something," Nada agreed. "But I'm not sure it's a crazy demoness. We already have too much madness stirring up."

"Madness? That's it, then. The madder the environment, the saner I get."

Mentia goes to meet with Dor while Karen meets Ida.

quote:

"You are curious about my moon," Ida said, not at all offended. "It arrived last year, and I didn't have the heart to send it away. It's really no trouble, and it reflects my moods. You may look at it if you wish, but don't try to touch it, for it will avoid you." She angled her head so that the plane of the moon's orbit swung down, and Karen got a good look. The surface was sunny, with little seas and land masses showing. There were islands and continents, and ice caps at the poles. A little cloud bank came into view as the moon turned, and there was a rainstorm over one section. It was a complete world in itself.

"Oh, how cute!" Karen exclaimed�and the moon brightened. "What's it called?"

"Why, we don't have a name for it," Ida said, surprised. "What do you think it should be called?"

"Gee, I don't know," Karen said, pondering. Then she had such a bright idea that a bulb flashed over her head, brightening the moon further. "Back in Mundania there's an asteroid called Ida, and it has a little moon, and I learned in school how they named it Dactyl, which means something or other. But since this isn't that, it needs another name. So let's call it Ptero."

(Pun Count: 203)

quote:

"Terra?" Jenny asked. "What a funny name!"

"No, it's got a funny spelling. Pee-tee-ee-rr-o. That's why I like it. You see, there's this sort of dragonlike flying reptile that used to exist, called a pterodactyl, and this is a flying moon, so�"

"That's a wonderful idea," Ida said. "Moon, do you like that name?"

The moon did a little dance of pleasure. Karen hoped it didn't shake its rain cloud off.

They head downstairs.

quote:

"You have a difficult mission ahead," Jenny said. "Do you think you will be able to reach the top of Mount Rushmost and convince Fracto to help fight the ill wind?"

"Oh, sure," Karen said confidently. "Dad can do anything he puts his mind to. He's a physics Professor."

"I'm sure he can," Ida agreed. "I'm sure he will be able to convince Fracto."

Jenny seemed quite pleased about something, and so did Ptero Moon, though Karen couldn't see what. They stepped downstairs. Sure enough, everyone was gathering there. Even David had been dragged from the Tapestry.

They meet with Dor, and introduce Ida and Ptero to the other Baldwins.

quote:

Karen was relieved that she had committed no offense. But she suspected that there was something important she was missing.

Pun Count: 203 by the end of Chapter 10.

# ? Dec 23, 2013 14:44

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 11 is from Jim's POV.

quote:

"Jim Baldwin saw his daughter's cute confusion, and wished he could ease it, but this was not the occasion. She had done far better work than she knew.

They head out with Mentia.

quote:

The King had made that plain. Ordinarily such a trip, with a demon guide, would be routine, but with the stirred-up magic dust changing things, nothing was certain.

That applied to Ida's reassurance, too. Princess Ida's Sorceress-class talent was the Idea; whatever she believed was true. But the Idea had to come from elsewhere�from someone who didn't know Ida's magic. That was what limited it. The elf girl Jenny had cleverly solicited Karen's innocent endorsement of their mission, and Ida had agreed, which meant that they would indeed succeed�if the rising madness didn't interfere. No one knew exactly how the madness might affect Ida's talent. So the outcome was not, after all, sure. But he did not care to tell the children that.

Mary and Sean knew, but they would keep silent too.

Mentia directs them and explains how she came to exist seperately from Metria. These days they get along because Mentia thinks Ted is cute. She also finds Jim's explanation of Nimby odd. They head off the enchanted path.

quote:

"Hey, look at the flowers!" Karen cried, peering out her window.

"Those look like carnations," Mary said. "A whole field of them."

Mentia looked. "Uh-oh. Those look like re-incarnations. Growing wild and strong in the madness."

(Pun Count: 204)

quote:

"Regular ones aren't too bad," the demoness said seriously. "Folk sniff one, and have a strong memory of a loved one. If they sniff several together, they may actually see and hear the loved one. But this is a whole broad expanse, strengthened by the magic dust. I think you should try to avoid smelling them."

"Close the windows!" he called back to the others. But he was too late; David had opened his. The thick perfume of the flowers was circulating in the vehicle.

Suddenly Jim saw his father standing by the road, waving. He slowed to pick him up; he hadn't seen his father since five years ago, when�

"Keep moving!" Mentia said. "Don't stop. Get on out of here."

"But that's my father," Jim protested.

"Drive on�or I'll drive for you."

That jolted him out of it for a moment. "A demoness can drive an RV?"

"Metria learned how, last year, so I know it too. This thing is similar to a pickup truck. Keep moving."

Jim is now free of the spell, and reminds the others that his father is dead. Mary spots her godmother, but they keep going.

quote:

Then they drove beyond the field of flowers, and the fragrance faded. Mary returned to her seat. "Of course that couldn't have been her," she said. "But she seemed so real."

"They do," Mentia said. "But if you stop for them, at this strength of fragrance, you might never get away again. As soon as you escaped the ambiance of one flower, another would get you. Probably they would have gotten you anyway, had you been afoot; but in your rapidly moving truck you were too fast for them. That's why I said not to stop."

They reach a mountain, and Mentia guides them to the entrance to the demon path.

quote:

They entered a dark tunnel. Jim turned on the headlights. They speared through Mentia's clothing, silhouetting her shapely body. Then the clothing thickened, and the effect was lost. The demoness floated back through the windshield and into her seat. "This spirals up inside the mountain. Just keep going." She paused. "Those bright lights caught me by surprise. Did you see�?"

"Outline, no panties," Jim said quickly.

She relaxed. "We do try to honor the conventions. We don't show panties to anyone we aren't prepared to seduce."

"It's nice to have standards," Jim agreed. She didn't show panties�but she did show everything else. It seemed that in Xanth the underclothing counted for more than what it covered. "How is it that the demons maintain this tunnel, when you can float wherever you wish to go?"

It turns out it's an old vole tunnel which the demons use when they want to spy on the winged monsters. They find a cave-in, and Mentia goes to check it out. It turns out to be illusory.

quote:

Mentia floated back. This time she didn't pass through the windshield, but came to the far door. She gestured to come in. Her cleavage was so full it threatened to burst its boundaries.

"I'll get that," Sean said, coming forward. He opened the door, and the demoness started to enter.

Then a second demoness appeared. This one shot through the windshield. "Close that door!" she cried.

Startled, Sean paused, looking from one to the other.

Both looked the same, except for the lower d�colletage of the one at the door. "Two of you?" he asked.

Then fangs sprouted in the mouth of the one at the door.

Mentia saves Sean, explaining that the other was a hostile phantasm. Phantasms are nastier than wraiths and have some substance.

quote:

"How come the spook had to come in the door, while you go through the window?" David asked.

"King Dor arranged to have a protective spell put on this vehicle," the demoness said. "I'm on your side. Or on Xanth's side, so it lets me pass, but the phantasms are enemies of the natural order, so they are barred. But if you let them in�"

"Why not simply lock the doors and ignore all creatures outside the RV?" Mary asked.

"Because you might want to let in a friend, and the spell has no way to tell friend from enemy, being unintelligent, so has to go by your judgment. If you decide to let something in, then you overrule the spell. Sean was letting in that phantasm." She glanced back at the young man.

"Don't let anything in unless your father or mother tell you to. Especially if it has unusual sex appeal, or anything else that's evocative. Your lives may be at stake." Her sculptured d�colletage had been replaced by a conservative but still quite attractive blouse.

To keep the phantasms from misdirecting them, Mentia decides Jim has to come out with her. She'll protect him. Still, the phantasms are getting stronger.

quote:

He realized that this was a compliment, and he was unwisely flattered. Of course, appearances were not to be trusted, but she looked just like a supremely beautiful young woman, and her favor sidestepped his rational mind to register on a deeper level. "Mundane physics can develop some strange aspects, particularly at the quantum level," he said. "I am accustomed to thinking rationally in seemingly irrational settings."

"In my normal state I would not admire that," she murmured.

Implying that in her present artificially sane state she did. If Mary had been concerned about Sean's fascination with Chlorine, now she would have a similar concern about her husband's reaction to Mentia. With perhaps some reason. He had learned to tune out the occasional wiles of lovely coeds who tended to admire intelligent men, or who merely wanted higher grades, but the magic ambiance was laying siege to his judgment, and his fancy was testing its limits. The phantasms were not the only threat this mission posed.

Mentia leads Jim out.

quote:

There was, after all, good reason to hold Mentia's hand, however incidentally suggestive it might be. He opened the door and slid out, and her arm slid with him, through glass and metal without impediment. Yet her hand remained solid and warm. It was amazing how she could do that; he would have thought that a solid hand could not be supported by an insubstantial wrist or arm. Curious, he paused to pass his other hand through her seeming arm flesh, verifying that it was insubstantial. Indeed, the laws of magic were not those of regular physics.

Then the arm abruptly firmed. "Is there more of me you wish to touch?" she inquired dulcetly, her blouse becoming translucent.

"Ah, no," he said quickly, embarrassed. He closed the door and stepped out into the glare of the headlights, still holding her hand. He knew she was smirking; She might be increasingly sane, but her basic mischievous nature remained.

They find illusion covering a wall, making it seem clear. The next passage they check is the same. They test the walls and find the real passage, and Jim realizes that either the phantasms are much smarter than expected or someone is directing them.

quote:

"Exactly. So we had better explore a bit more before trusting the truck to this passage." She drew him through the seeming rock face and into the tunnel beyond.

This was completely dark. "I can't see," he said.

"Sorry. I'll illuminate." She began to glow. The soft light seemed to emanate from her person rather than her clothing, which made for some interesting effects. Since her clothing was demon stuff as well as her body, he presumed the effects were intentional.

They walked on through the tunnel. Then Jim's foot landed on nothing, and he plunged down through the supposedly solid floor. But the demoness's hand held his with surprising strength, preventing him from falling all the way into the void. The hand expanded to grasp his whole arm, and she hauled him back up. He scrambled to set foot back on the real, as opposed to the apparent, surface, missed, and found himself caught in her embrace. Her body was exceedingly sexy against his. "Well, now," she murmured.

She moved back, carrying him, and his feet found the rock. He stepped into her and through her, emerging behind her. All of her body was exactly as solid or permeable as she chose it to be.

They explore a bit more, then head back to the others after Mentia cleans Jim up so Mary doesn't get any wrong ideas.

quote:

"For two years I have been the third member of a two person couple," she said, smiling darkly. "That has been instructive in several ways. Third parties are not necessarily welcome."

"For sure." He was embarrassed, and in a moment realized why. "I apologize for wronging you in my thoughts, Mentia."

"Oh, you thought I might do this?" she asked innocently, and suddenly stepped in close, pressed her provocative breasts and hips firmly against him, and kissed him.

"For shame."

"For shame," he echoed weakly. Though fleeting, it had been a kiss of such competence that it left him lightheaded.

"Naturally I wouldn't do a thing like that," she said, drawing back and disengaging a thigh that had somehow gotten wedged between his legs. "What do you think I am�a demoness?"

They step out.

quote:

"We're sure glad you're back. Dad," Sean said. "You wouldn't believe what the phantasms were pretending."

"Try me," Jim said as he eased the vehicle forward, and to the left, into the illusion rock wall.

"They pretended they were you and her, kissing," David said eagerly. "But we knew it wasn't so, 'cause there were five or six couples, and we'd seen you go through the wall."

"And we knew you wouldn't do anything like that anyway," Karen chimed in.

"Thanks for your confidence," Jim said, shaken in a new manner. The phantasms had tried to tell on him! They were getting more clever by the hour, trying psychological tricks when the physical illusions didn't work. The success of this mission was by no means assured. In fact, their family's survival was not assured. This sometimes pleasant land of magic was becoming steadily more deadly.

They head on and manage to reach the mountain plateau by mid-afternoon. Now, they need to light a fire. Chlorine and Nimby arrive, delivered by Roxanne Roc. Chlorine introduces them to Roxanne and Sim and vice versa. They get the fire built, with the helps of the winged monsters, and use it to make a cloud of smoke and steam, which they get to rumble and roar. Roxanne goes and rescues Che and Cynthia from the wind while a dragon watches the kids.

quote:

"We heard how you turned back to help Xanth," Cynthia said. She was a pretty thing, whose brown tresses matched her equine hide. She was bare-chested, but not (quite) yet developed.

Che looked at the child and pet game. "This may be an opportune time for a math lesson," he remarked.

[...]

Jim nodded. "Agreed. That is a great deal. But can you teach math when your judgment is being distorted by the growing madness?"

"Quantum math," Che said. "Insanity is an asset to that study."

Startled, Jim had to agree. Centaurs were indeed extremely intelligent.

Che explains that he's been released from his obligations to the goblins, though he and Gwenny are still close friends. In the meantime, the plan has worked - Fracto is showing up to see what the other cloud is all about. Jim offers him a deal.

quote:

"Xanth is in trouble," Jim called. "Xanth needs your help."

The mouth resumed inhaling. Fracto did not care about Xanth's welfare.

"We can offer you something really nice," Jim called.

The cloud paused again. The eyes narrowed. A curl of mist formed in the shape of a question mark.

"Romance! Another storm, only female." This sounded crazy, but it was a crazy situation. King Dor had reviewed it carefully with him, and now he retained sufficient sanity to carry it through. "Not this smoke cloud. That was only to get your attention. A real storm, the strongest Xanth has seen. Ideal for you."

The spongy face showed definite interest. Fracto seldom had any prospect for compatible companionship. He must be really hungry for it. The mouth formed a perfect 0 and a gust of wind emerged. He was asking WHO?

"Her name is Happy Bottom," Jim called. "She's from Mundania."

The cloud face recoiled.

"No, wait! She is no longer Mundane. She has swept up a lot of magic dust and become magic. But she doesn't understand it, doesn't know how to use her new power. She is wasting it with random blowing, not realizing her potential. She's becoming so strong she's going to blow Xanth away. Then she'll fade, of course. But with proper instruction she could learn to be the kind of magic storm she could be, with all that magic dust, and turn Xanthian. But she will need a teacher-�and only you have the capacity to teach her this. Only you can tame this shrew. Only you can calm yon ill wind. If you do, you will have a wonderful female of your kind. I leave the rest to your imagination." He wasn't sure just how much imagination a cloud could have, but it was clear that this cloud was conscious.

Fracto considered. Then the mouth formed another shape, more like OW. That would be HOW?

"We must work together," Jim said, relieved that the dialogue was going well. "We must push Happy Bottom away from the concentration of magic dust, but we can't make her go in any particular direction. You must do that, by luring her into the Region of Air. Once she is there she will not know how to escape, until you teach her how. She will be yours to seduce."

The cloud considered. Fracto was definitely interested. But obviously uncertain about trusting a mortal creature. The mouth formed a windy 00. That would mean TRUE?

How could he prove he was speaking the truth? He couldn't blame the cloud for being suspicious. Fracto had no friends, and a Mundane mortal was the least likely person to believe. Fortunately, King Dor had prepared him with this answer too. "Here is a contract," he called, unrolling a large poster. "Signed by the Good Magician himself."

And so, Fracto agrees to this bizarre and frankly rather creepy scheme.

quote:

Fracto had agreed to the deal! Now all they had to do was work out the details.

Jim settled down to those, explaining how they would take Chlorine behind Happy Bottom and use the windbreaker to drive her forward. Fracto would beckon her toward the Region of Air in north central Xanth. It would be a job, but they should be able to herd and lure her there, if they made no mistakes. He was buoyed by the progress already made. Soon enough they would complete this mission, and then be able to go home to Florida. He looked forward to the return of familiarity.

Pun Count: 204 by the end of Chapter 11.

# ? Dec 23, 2013 17:34

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 12 is Sean. He has been enjoying his time in Xanth.

quote:

Yet there was something lacking. Why should he be ready to go home, when lovely Chlorine was here? And that supersexy demoness, Mentia? He should want to see as much of both of them as possible, though he knew that neither was for him. They were just dream material, pinup fancies�but when had unavailability ever stopped him before? He should want to catch every last glimpse he possibly could. Yet he didn't; somehow he had lost interest.

Oh, he was showing some interest, but that was because the other members of the family had begun to glance at him strangely, and he realized that they would figure he was sick if he didn't strive for every last glimpse of hidden female flesh. But his heart was no longer in it.

Sean takes a leak and then spots a winged girl on his way back. He approaches to help her, since she seems exhausted, and the girl recognizes him. Suddenly he recognizes her as Willow, but is unsure how he forgot her up until now. The two kiss and we jump to a flaskback from when Sean got washed away. Willow had rescued him from the water, but had gotten her wings filthy in the process.

quote:

Now he heard a change in the background, noise of the flowing water. Indeed, the channel was shifting; it was probably cutting a more direct course through the terrain, and would catch him again. He hauled himself up with her help and staggered on. Her body was quite slender, and her support was more moral than physical, but he did appreciate it.

Sean introduces himself.

quote:

"Sean from where?"

He smiled. "That's my surname."

"Your sir-name? Are you royal?"

(Pun Count: 205) He explains that not all Mundanes are bad, and Willow introduces herself as Willow Elf. Sean asks about her being like Jenny Elf, but it seems she's not. (Funny - they hadn't met Jenny by then.) Willow explains that she's not like Jenny - she's from a winged elf elm, and is very tall for an elf because the elm is very large for an elm.

quote:

"You are weak away from your tree?"

"Yes. But it's not nearly so pronounced for flying elves, so we can go quite far. I think it's because our tall tree presents a direct line of sight far afield, with no interference by mountains, houses, or vegetation. Nevertheless, we are subject to the constraints of distance. At the edge of Xanth I would hardly be able to stand, while beside my elm I could carry you in the air with one hand. The variation is much less extreme than for other elf species, and it enables us to fly freely. My elm is in east central Xanth, so I'm in-between here, neither strong nor weak. Otherwise I might have been able to help you more."

Sean thanks her.

quote:

"Thank you again for helping me. I don't know how to repay you."

"Oh, I do not seek repayment," she said, flushing again.

"It was a thing of the moment. Normally we don't interact with humans at all; we're very shy. But I couldn't let you drown."

"I understand. I would have done the same for you, had you been the one in trouble, and not just because you're a pretty girl."

"Oh!" she cried, flushing much worse.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I didn't mean to be offensive."

"Nobody ever called me pretty before. I'm a quite ordinary female of my kind, and I'm covered with mud."

Oh. He realized that she had not been joking about being shy. "Maybe you just look better to me because you helped me. And the mud is my fault. Is there a pool or something nearby where we could wash up? Before going our separate ways, I mean?" He was concerned about returning to his family as dirty as he was, because Mom would throw a fit about the upholstery in the RV, but he also found himself not too eager to leave this interesting creature immediately. It was a long shot, but he might get to see more of her, if they washed up together.

willow had spotted a pool, and they strip down.

quote:

She smiled, and pulled her dress off. He wondered about her lack of reticence about her panties, but in a moment understood: she wore none. In Xanth, it seemed, nakedness was no problem, just underclothing. Her nudity was not only natural, but exquisite; it was the way he imagined Chlorine would look, only Willow was more, well, willowy. Suddenly he liked slenderness very. well.

So he pulled off his clothing, and joined her in the pool quickly, because he did not want to stand exposed and maybe embarrass himself with a male reaction. The water was just right, neither hot nor cold. It caressed his bare skin in a special manner, making it feel wonderfully good.

Willow turned to face him, sweeping her hair behind so that her small but perfect breasts were clear. "Shall I wash your back?" she asked innocently, meeting his gaze for the first time since entering the water. Then she froze.

Sean froze too. He had been admiring Willow's body and face; now that admiration exploded into an overwhelming emotion. Beautiful? She was ravishing! It was as if she were framed in glorious light, with the sweetest possible music playing in the background.

"Oh, no!" she cried. "It's a love spring!"

(Pun count: 206) They kiss. Willow pulls away and says that they can't stay together - they're too different. However, the magic should fade if they are apart for four years or so. They want to gently caress, but Willow begs Sean to wait, and he does. She thinks they have to stop because she's sure she'd die in Mundania. Willow spotted a Forget Whorl nearby that might help them.

quote:

"Yes. They used to make any creature who passed through them forget everything, but now they are good for only half an hour or so. That is, the creature forgets the last half hour he has lived. And that amount of time�"

"Would make us forget our love!" he exclaimed.

"Would make us forget our love," she agreed sadly.

"Please understand, this is not a thing I want to do, but I think it is best, for us both. My rational mind is at war with my emotion, and I have always prided myself on being sensible."

They wash up, and Willow leads Sean to the Whorl. Sean goes first, and we jump out of the flashback.

quote:

"But it did work," he said, concluding his intense memory. "I found my way back to the RV, and never thought of you again."

"I know," she said. "I watched you." The tears he remembered were still on her face.

"But why are you here?" he asked.

"When I returned to the Forget Whorl, it was gone," she said. "I think it was in its last stage, very faint, and you used it up. So I could not forget."

[...]

"Once you complimented me on my sensibleness, but perhaps it was unwarranted. I was able to rein my emotions for the time we were first together, but not thereafter. I wanted you so much�" She shrugged. "I did try. I flew home and talked to my family, and to the elders of our tree. They knew of no other Forget Whorl I could use. And they pointed out something I had not thought of: that if the Whorl was so close to extinction when you used it, it might not have done the full job. You might come to remember, after some time had passed. Then I would have done you no favor. So they suggested that I do two things. First, that I meet you again, to see whether the forgetting held. If the sight of me made you remember, then you would have remembered later on your own. But if you did not remember, then the spell was holding, and you would be safe."

"It did not hold," Sean said. "It was weakening before I saw you; I know that now."

Willow suggests they should see Humfrey about this, and maybe get a forget potion.

quote:

"drat it!" he swore, noting peripherally that he had managed to override the Adult Conspiracy on that one.

Maybe it was because love was adult business. "We tried to do the right thing. Why must we try again? Is our love really so wrong?"

"Not wrong�unworkable," she clarified. "You must return to your realm, and I must remain in mine."

"But hasn't this sort of thing ever happened before? How do other forbidden couples work it out?"

She smiled wanly. "When animals meet at a love spring, they simply summon the stork and go their ways. When human variants do, they try to make the best of it. But I'm not sure that those unions work out as well as normal love does. Sometimes there are unfortunate repercussions. But none of them have had the problem we do, a Xanth/Mundane liaison."

"I would be willing to stay in Xanth, to be with you."

"But you have no wings. You can't fly. You can't go where I go."

"If you want to fly away from me, I can't stop you," he said. "And wouldn't if I could. I would never want you to be tied down."

"But I would be tied down�by love," she pointed out.

"So I think the Good Magician is our alternative, though he does charge horrendously for his information."

Of course, they have to save Xanth first. They want to gently caress, but resist it, though Sean decides he's going to introduce Willow to his folks. They explore the cave they took shelter in, but find it too steep to easily get out of now. They wonder how no one noticed Sean was missing. Willow soon finds the cause.

quote:

"A thyme bomb. See, there's the sprig of thyme." She pointed to a dried-up leaf lying on the cave floor.

(Pun Count: 207)

quote:

"Let me guess," Sean said. "In Xanth, thyme plants affect time, so when you get close to one�"

"Yes. Usually the living plants slow things down, and their seeds speed them up. But when leaves get separated and dry out, their effect reverses, and they stretch time out, in the manner of the seeds. So time expands explosively in their vicinity, and we call them thyme bombs. Usually they are harmless, because all folk have to do is walk away from them. But�"

"But we can't," he finished. "So we're stuck in the fast lane."

"In a cave," she corrected him gently.

He didn't bother to clarify his reference. "So how do we get away from it, so we don't die of hunger before anyone finds us?"

"Oh, I can nullify it," she said brightly, "I have a napsack in my purse." She produced a small purse and rummaged in it, pulling out all manner of things: clothing, slippers, fruits, a mirror, a fancy hat, a bedroll, and a collection of pretty stones. "Ah, there it is," she said, drawing out a strapped pack.

(Pun Count: 208)

quote:

Sean was amazed. "How can all that fit in that little purse?"

"It's magic, of course. Don't Mundane women have purses?" Sean remembered how much Mom could carry in hers.

"Yes. But if you have a complete change of clothing in there, why didn't you use it when we came out of the pool, instead of putting your wet things back on?"

"I knew you lacked a change of clothing, so I did not wish to embarrass you."

"How do I love thee," he murmured. "Let me count the ways."

"I tried to count, but there were too many ways," she said. "Even though I know it's all just because of the love spring." She opened the napsack and put the sprig of thyme in. Then she rolled up the napsack and put it back in her purse. "That should take care of it."

"I don't understand," he said. "Why does putting it in there change anything?"

"Because anything in a napsack sleeps," she explained.

"In fact, I seldom put it on, because then it makes me take a nap too. But it is useful for storing perishable food, as it won't spoil while sleeping, and the thyme bomb has little effect while napping."

Sean shook his head. "Knapsack�napsack. I keep forgetting how things work in Xanth. But if our time is now normal, how come I don't feel any different?"

Thank you again, Piers, for explaining the joke. Once the bomb is gone, the Baldwins soon arrive and get them out. Sean explains to them what happened.

quote:

"We had better get back to the RV," Dad said. "I presume Willow will join us."

"Yes she will," Sean said, going to her. "We can't separate again."

The others hesitated, but Chlorine clarified the matter.

"When two people meet at a love spring, they are in love. Nothing else matters much. Not even species. It is useless to object. They must marry."

"No," Willow said.

Chlorine glanced at her. "You were not in the love spring?"

"I was in it. I love him. But I am a winged monster. He is Mundane. We cannot marry."

Willow explains her plan to get a potion from Humfrey once all this is over. Sean refuses to let Willow take his service, too, and Chlorine points out that if he's going to stay to serve, he could stay in love.

quote:

Sean was astonished. She was right. "Maybe take the potion after the Service is done," he said, looking at Willow. But she demurred. "If we are not to marry, it would only be torture," she said. "And I know you have business in your own world. I am native; I will serve the time for us both. This is the practical thing."

She was right, too. Yet it wasn't fair.

They were now at the RV. "I think Willow will be with us for a while," Mom said briskly. "The rest of you show her the RV, while Jim and I discuss something outside."

Sean was not sure that was good news, but there was nothing to do but go along with it. "Come, Willow�we'll show you our magic moving house."

"I have seen it from afar," Willow said. "I do not mind where I am, as long as I am with you."

Chlorine shook her head. "If this is what a love spring offers, I'm going to find one when I'm ready to marry."

"You should," Sean agreed. "It's total." That was the understatement of the day.

Pun Count: 208 by the end of Chapter 12.

# ? Dec 27, 2013 16:06

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 13 is Mar's POV. Jim and Mary are discussing willow.

quote:

"You know what I mean. He's going to want to sleep with her�and she'll let him."

He nodded. "This is the nature of young love."

"You're not taking this seriously!"

He looked at her. "On the contrary, I'm being realistic. I have heard about those love springs. They will not be denied. When animals get into them�"

"Jim, we're not animals!"

"In certain respects, we are. When it comes to�"

"Don't be impossible. What are we going to do?"

"Mary, he's seventeen, and she's about the same. That's old enough."

"It's not old enough!"

"How old were we when�"

"Thirty-one and twenty-nine."

"Our second marriages," he reminded her. "How old were you the first time you had sex?"

"Don't be uncouth."

"Sorry. The first time you tried to signal the stork?"

"That has no relevance."

"Doesn't it? I was seventeen�Sean's age. How about you?"

"Fifteen," she answered reluctantly. "But I didn't enjoy it."

"It's allright only if you don't enjoy it?"

"That's not what I mean. That girl would love to�"

But she had to stop, because he had already shot down that approach. "Anyway, it was different in our day."

"Yes, we were teens. Now we're mature fogies whose sexual energies are diminished, so we can safely condemn contemporary teens for having our past urges."

"I didn't say that." Then she made a counter sally.

"Did you bring the girl into your house and tell your parents?"

He laughed. "Think I was suicidal? They were just like us�as we are now."

That stung, but she plowed on. "Are we to give them space in the RV to�to share a bed? With David and Karen knowing?" That concept finally set him back.

"Point made. But let me play devil's advocate a moment. There is no passion quite so strong as unrequited or unconsummated love. Isn't it possible that if we provide them with Mundane antistork devices and let them indulge their passions, they would get over that aspect and be able to make a more rational decision when the time comes to separate?"

"Did our indulgence cause us to reconsider marriage?" she asked evenly.

He raised his hands in a surrender gesture. "No, I liked you even better after than before." He pondered a moment.

"We have not had long to observe them, but it is my impression that they have not yet indulged�"

"They were alone less than ten minutes."

"Plus their bath in the love spring. They resisted temptation because they knew the relationship had no future. I think that must have been mostly Willow's doing, because Sean never showed all that much maturity in decisions before. She strikes me as�well, as a woman who would be worthy of him, in other circumstances, wings or not."

Mary actually agrees and quite likes Willow, but the whole seperation issue is a problem. They agree that they'll have to keep an eye on those two at all times, but Jim doesn't like it.

quote:

"It is necessary." Then, satisfied with her victory, she kissed him.

"I'll take that as a promise for the time we get alone," he said.

"To be sure."

[...]

The others were arranged all around the main section of the vehicle. Sean and Willow were holding hands, while David and Karen were eagerly questioning them about everything, especially love springs. "If David and I fell in a love spring, would we fall in love?" Karen asked.

"Yuckk!" David cried.

But Willow had an answer. "I think not, because you are not party to the Adult Conspiracy. But you might quarrel less."

They head onwards and Mary gets annoyed by Mentia showing off her body. They discover, when they plan their next stop, that the madness is overriding the Adult Conspiracy - the kids can say 'poop.' They stop for a break, and harvest some pies. Mary has given up on nutritional guidance because there are just too many pies around. They camp out for the night, and Mary notices someone getting up in the dark. She goes to watch, and it turns out to be Nimby leaving the RV. Nimby gets Mary to come with him and reveals that he can read her thoughts. He needs her help with some danger. Mary is impressed by Nimby's magic, but does not realize his true nature. They find some reverse wood, which they harvest a bundle of and tie together as a defensive circle. They head back to bed. In the morning, Mary notices monster tracks outside the reverse wood circle. They bundle up the wood again for future use.

quote:

Now Chlorine consulted with Nimby to see what route they should take where, to get the windbreaker where it would be most effective. To their surprise, he did not recommend the trollway. Instead it turned out that they would have to seek the help of a number of individuals scattered across the area. The first was Modem.

"That looks a lot like a Mundane term," Jim remarked.

"Surely coincidence."

They get some gas from a guzzler and head out to a hut.

quote:

"I'm not a spook," Mary protested, though she had a notion what kind of apparitions had been bothering this house. "I'm a dull Mundane woman looking for Modem."

The door opened a crack, held closely by a glittery hand.

A gnarly eye peered out. "And I'm the hag of this hut. What do you know of Modem?"

"Only that we need him to help save Xanth from the ill wind."

The door cracked wider. "Let me get a look at you," the hag said. "Why, you're someone's mother."

"Yes."

"Then it must be all right. See that he doesn't get into mischief. He's got weird magic." She called back into the hut. "Modem lad, go with this mother."

"Yes, Haggi Ma." A boy about David's age appeared, tousled of hair and ragged of garb.

(Pun Count: 209) I don't get it but I'm sure it is one. They bring Modem into the RV and head on.

quote:

It turned out that Modem's magic was indeed related to the Mundane term. It was what he called a magic mirror, only it was inside him. He could communicate with Com-Pewter.

(Pun Count: 210)

quote:

"Yes," Modem agreed. "When I connect with him, I can do it too, but only because I'm a wo�wor�"

"Work station," Jim called back.

"Yes. That's what he calls it."

They pass by a tangle tree, and Mentia demonstrates its dangers by getting herself snatched.

quote:

Then the mouth opened and spat out, the girl. The trunk turned green. The tentacles wilted.

Mentia resumed luscious woman form and floated back into the RV. "Any questions?"

"Yuck, no," Karen said, looking a bit green herself.

"Yeah," David said. "What made it spit you back out?"

The demoness smiled in a female dog way. "I gave it a whiff of stink horn."

(Pun Count: 211) She demonstrates the smell, which Modem uses Com-Pewter's power to change to roses. He then turns the tangle tree into a pie tree the same way.

quote:

Chlorine spoke to the boy. The tangle tree became a pie tree. Mentia went out and harvested the best pies and brought them in for consumption as they drove on. Chlorine returned to her seat beside Nimby, and brought out a greenish bug. She passed this across her mouth.

"What's that?" Karen asked.

"A lips tic, of course. It colors my lips." Indeed, they were now a much firmer green.

(Pun Count: 212) They head on, seeking a woman named Keaira. (Pun Count: 213)

quote:

Pretty flowering softwoods surrounded a larger dust colored tree with a fancy tree house. "Oh, a cottage in dust tree," Chlorine said, pleased.

(Pun Count: 214) Keaira, it turns out, has weather control magic - but only very close to herself. She can make a calm spot around herself but nowhere else. She agrees to come help, and preserve Keaira's home with the stored thyme bomb, using reverse wood to make it slow things down. Mary gets Modem to make the RV bigger on the inside and Keaira to protect them from the storm. The next target is Chena Centaur. They worry about space, but Nimby indicates that she won't have to come in - she can fly outside.

quote:

But Nimby, as always, turned out to be right. They came up to two somewhat bedraggled winged centaurs taking shelter in the lee of a large chest nut and bolt tree. Chests of nuts and bolts were scattered everywhere, harvested prematurely by the wind.

(Pun Count: 213) Chena is with Crystal, a human girl she convinced to become a winged centaur. She's been hunting people down to change and teaching Crystal how to be a centaur.

quote:

"But won't you need male flying centaurs too?" Mary asked.

Crystal flushed. "Yes," Chena said. "We are looking for suitable males of any species to recruit."

Mary studied them. Both were healthy fillies in the equine portions, and slender girls in the human portions, with the rather full breasts that the centaur species tended to have. "I suspect you will succeed. But I can provide an expert opinion, if you wish."

"You can?" Crystal asked, speaking for the first time.

Mary glanced to the side. "Sean, if you were not otherwise attached, would you consider becoming a winged centaur in order to be with one of these fillies?"

"You bet!" Sean agreed. Then he had another notion, and Mary could have bit her tongue for not anticipating it.

"Say, I could be transformed to a winged elf to be with Willow!"

But Willow herself countered that, to Mary's great relief. "No, my love. Magician Trent can transform anyone to any form, but you are Mundane. He could give you the form of a winged elf male, but not the magic. Only if you already had magic could it change with your form. You would not be able to fly. Your wings would be useless. And�" She paused delicately. "I love you as you are. I would not have you change."

"We just can't make it in each other's worlds," he said, disheartened.

Chena asks for the love spring's location for once they find males, though they promise to explain to the men before using it.

quote:

Mary did not comment, but it struck her that for a random coupling of dissimilar species, the two were remarkably well matched. Sean had a wild side that needed taming, while Willow was quite realistic and sensible, yet they laughed at the same things. Sean could do a good deal worse in Mundania. In fact, some of the girls he had been interested in had had only one thing going for them, youth. That asset was all too fleeting, as Mary knew so well from her own experience.

Chena and Crystal agree to come along and help, and Nimby says they can make the RV fly by pulling it and lightening it.

quote:

"That's really our magic. To make things light enough to float or fly. When we flick bothersome flies, they become too light to sit, so must fly away. When we flick ourselves, we become similarly light." She looked at the RV. "However, that's pretty big. It would take a number of flicks to lighten it enough, and we'd have to flick each of you who go inside it, too."

"And the effect fades with time," Crystal said. "With each passing moment, you lose lightness."

"You lose moments of effect," Jim said. He was speaking technically, because this was in his specialty of physics, but it didn't matter here.

Mary gets Modem to alter the RV so the magic lasts a day, not half an hour.

quote:

"Say, can you split into your halves?" David asked as they worked. Mary didn't like the way he was staring at their breasts, but the centaurs seemed oblivious. Obviously they wouldn't go bare if they felt there was any shame in it.

"Halves?" Crystal asked.

"You know. Horse and person."

"No," Chena said between tail flicks. Those breasts quivered with the effort of every flick, and so did David's eyeballs. But Mary was determined to give no sign of her distress. The centaurs simply didn't know how things were in Mundania. "We are complete creatures, crossbreeds who have become our own species."

"Anyway, it wouldn't be halves, it would be thirds," Crystal said. "Equine, human, and avian."

"Well, can you maybe turn all human, or all bird?" the boy persisted. "Back and forth."

"No, that's not our magic. You are thinking of the merfolk, some of whom can make legs and become fully human and walk on land, or perhaps make a fish's head and swim underwater. Or the naga folk, who can assume human or serpent form, with their natural form being between. Others, like the harpies, are fixed in their merged forms."

There's just one problem: Modem can only change one reality at a time, so the RV is small again. Mary gets Jim to find a way.

quote:

Her husband rose to the occasion. "Modem, reality is mostly the way we see it. Agreed?"

"Yes," the boy said. "Only�"

"So what we need is a special kind of reality for this moving house. Suppose we think of it as having several properties: it moves, it is larger inside than outside, and it holds a given spell for a day or more. These are not different realities, but aspects of this particular structure. One reality covers all its qualities. Does this make sense?"

"I guess," Modem agreed. He concentrated. And suddenly the interior was twice its natural size.

Crystal flicked David, and Jim passed him inside. Then Chena did the next, and so on, until only Nimby and Jim were left outside. Mary suspected that Nimby didn't really need the centaur magic to make him light, but he accepted the flick and went in. Finally Jim closed the side door, opened the driver's seat door, and accepted his own lightening. All ten of them were inside, with the two winged centaurs outside, taking the ropes now attached.

Now they head south. Mary thinks on how most of the people of Xanth are trustworthy and nice, and she likes the place.

quote:

Nimby pointed down. Already? How the hour had flown�no pun. Now they had to fetch in Adam. What would his magic talent be? How would it integrate with those of the others? Only Nimby knew. Nimby, she realized, was the true leader of this expedition. A mute donkey-headed dragon!

(Pun Count: 214) They land and weight down the RV, then approach Adam. His power is that he takes on the nature of things near him.

quote:

"Yes. If I see a rock, I can take its essence and become rock-hard. If I see water, I can become liquid. If I see a cloud, I can become light and fluffy. But that doesn't help anyone else, and I still look plain and stuffy."

Willow shrugged. "So do I, among my own kind. But I met a young man who thinks I'm beautiful, thanks to a love spring. Maybe there will be something for you."

"A love spring," he breathed. "What I wouldn't give to get dunked in one of those with a lovely girl!"

"Maybe it will happen," Mary said, realizing that this was why Willow had been the one for this. Her experience signaled what Adam's might be. "Please come with us, in our floating house, and help us save Xanth."

The party is now complete. Time to head even more south.

quote:

So they passed out the pies remaining from the changed tangle tree, and the centaurs ate them as they flew. The speed picked up. They were on their way to their destiny.

Pun Count: 214 by the end of Chapter 13.

# ? Dec 27, 2013 19:24

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 14 drops us back with David as the RV comes in for a landing.

quote:

Was this boring flight finally over? It had been interesting for a while when they picked up Willow, who was sort of pretty, and Modem was his own age, twelve, so had some common interests. Modem had enjoyed the big stink the demoness made as much as David had, even if he had had to change it to roses to pacify the womenfolk. He sneaked just as many peeks at Chlorine and the topless flying centaur fillies. Oh, to be a few years older! But Keaira was an adult young woman, well covered, and no raving beauty either, while Adam was not only adult, he was fat. So once the novelty of flying in the RV faded, nothing much was left.

Nimby informs David that he has to go out there and wear the windbreaker and herd the storm. However, Nimby also tells him he'll enjoy it. They have ended up landing at the start of the trollway, where they began. Nimby tells the others that Keaira and David must ride the centaurs and herd the storm north, with Willow showing them the way.

quote:

Suddenly it dawned. He'd ride a bare-busted filly! Up in the sky by himself, like a flying cowboy, and he could sneak all the peeks he wanted. That would indeed be fun.

Mary is worried about him falling, but Nimby explains that the centaur lightness magic would mean there'd be plenty of time to grab him before he hit the ground. Because that's how physics works.

quote:

Oho! And how would she catch him? By flinging her arms about him and clasping him to her bosom? That was a risk he was prepared to take. And Nimby was right about the floating; he had forgotten how light they all were. So it was safe after all.

To keep the RV safe, Nimby has a new plan.

quote:

But Nimby had an answer for Chlorine to read: "'The present local reality must remain as it is, because soon the house will need to travel again, and no one must leave it. The centaurs will not be here to make it light again. Modem's local reality is the main force holding back the magic dust.'"

David could see that Chlorine was startled as she heard herself read that. "You mean Modem's doing more than just keeping the lightness lasting and the inside big?" Then she read the next answer, already in her hand. "'Yes. His magic reality preempts the malicious magic fostered by the dust.'"

"It does?" Modem asked, surprised.

"I guess your magic is more potent than you know," Dad said, with a typical Dad smile.

"'It is,'" Chlorine read, "'Because the magic dust is enhancing it. Thus the dust of madness has the ironic effect of canceling itself, in this limited instance.'"

"Gee," Modem said, pleased.

David was, of course, too good a person to be jealous of the importance of anybody else's role, but he did experience a certain discomfort that an ignorant person might choose to interpret as jealousy. So he mentioned a legitimate concern. "If the RV, uh, house stays light, won't it just blow away, like Dad says?"

"As Dad says," Mom said in her obnoxious English teacher way. He had tried to break her of that, but without much success. Parents were slow learners.

But this time fat Adam had an answer. "I can assume the properties of Xanth's heaviest rock, and be ballast."

Adam explains that he can take on anything's properties, he's just always fat and unliked. Keaira tells him she likes him and his magic, and he likes hers.

quote:

"You mean you care what I think, even though I'm fat as a pumpkin?"

"Fat pumpkins are the handsomest," she said, still blushing.

This was getting disgusting. Time to break it up before they actually got mushy. "Well, let's get busy," David said. "Who rides who?"

"Who rides whom," Mom said.

David ignored it, as he would any other crude remark.

"Which bare-boobed filly is mine?"

"David!" Mom exclaimed, as Karen stifled a titter.

"Sorry," he said. "Which bare-boobed centaur?"

Mom looked as if she has swallowed a poop-flavored prune, but this time she held her tongue. Good. Maybe he had made his point. Of course, there'd be bleep to pay when she finally got him alone at home, but maybe she'd forget by then.

Chlorine read her next note. "'Chena. She thinks you're cute.'"

[...]

"And take some reverse wood," Chlorine read. So they made two small bundles of two sticks each, and David took one while Keaira took the other. They were bound together by duct tape so they wouldn't come apart accidentally, but of course, they could be ripped apart if they were needed. Then whatever threat they encountered would be reversed. "'But use the wood only in an emergency,'" Chlorine read, " 'because it will nullify the centaurs too, reversing their magic lightness.'"

For sure! If David had to use his wood, he'd strip the tape to prime it, then hurl it like a grenade. Then it would affect only what he threw it at. He could make like Superman, nulling enemies galore. Pow! You 're reversed! He tucked the bound sticks into his belt.

Because that's how Superman works. Adam weights down the RV.

quote:

"Fine," Chena said, smiling. "Get on my back, David." There was something perky in her attitude, as if she really did find him cute.

He adjusted that jacket, which remained pleasantly warm from its contact with the beautiful woman, and smelled faintly of�of what? Of a commercial swimming pool. Of course�chlorine! The chemical used to purify the water. Only now it was like perfume.

They fly off, and David realizes he can't see Chena from her back. She advises he watch crystal.

quote:

He was rewarded by a splendid view. Crystal's wings were pumping gracefully, and her front was completely open to view. She was also slightly better endowed than Chena. In fact�

Then Crystal looked their way, and he had to wrench his gaze away. He couldn't peek if someone was watching him peek!

Willow has a note explaining how this has to be done. They have to make their way to the center of the storm, so David can push the eye around. However, Happy Bottom will try to hide the eye. They make their way through cloud gaps, but they realize that the storm has noticed them and fogged the area up. The clouds close when they try to get through, but they find a thinner area and pass through it. They head under the nexct cloud band and spot the eye.

quote:

It surely was. It looked like a monstrous eyeball, turning in the center of the huge ring of clouds that was the innermost cloud wall. This was what they had to move north.

(Pun Count: 215) David opens the windbreaker, but nothing happens except his ears popping. Keaira realizes that the local pressure is rising. They can use the high pressure zone to push the low-pressure eye. They keep pushing, but the eye tries to slide away. The centaurs and Willow use their wings to channel the wind, because...that...somehow works, forcing the eye to move where they want. However, the eye expands, getting too big to push.

quote:

"Maybe if I used my reverse wood to mess it up," David said, tugging at the two sticks in his belt.

"Careful with that," Keaira said, touching her own bound sticks. "This wood is dangerous, if�"

Too late. David had grabbed just one stick. The other snagged in his belt. The tape let go, and the two sticks separated.

Chena drops like a rock, and David falls, too, but apparently because he's mundane the reversal is less severe so he falls slower. He throws the stick away, floating to the ground. He closes the windbreaker to keep Happy Bottom from spotting him, and Fracto helps him hide. He starts hunting for Chena, but stubs his toe on a pinecone that causes him immense pain.

quote:

In a moment it came to him. That wasn't a pinecone, it was a pain cone. No wonder it had made him hurt.

(Pun Count: 216)

quote:

He looked down at the turf by his feet, in case there should be anything else to avoid. And shuddered. There was somebody's severed finger! No, maybe not severed, as it wasn't bleeding. It was curved into the form of a circle.

Then he laughed. He knew what that was: a ring finger.

(Pun Count: 217)

quote:

He walked carefully around the ring. Ahead was a sign.

It said TWIN CITY. A city? Maybe that would be a good, safe place to go. So he followed the path that led away from the sign.

He came across two girls of about his own age, playing by the side of the path. If there was anything he wasn't interested in, especially at this time, it was girls his own age. So he tried to pass them by.

(Pun Count: 218) These are Mariana and Anairam, twins who can shape rock as if it were clay and animate it. (And no, palindromes aren't puns, especially when they are nonsense.) They invite David to play house, but he heads on.

quote:

Naturally they wanted to get into girl-games. "Some other time," he said. Like maybe in three years. "I gotta go." He walked on. He hoped Chena would find him soon.

The next pair are younger than him. Amanda and Adnama, who can change hair color. Amanda can change her own, Adnama can change that of others. She turns David's hair blue and won't turn it back unless he kisses them. So he does. Next, David finds two older twin girls.

quote:

This time he tackled them directly, knowing that they wouldn't just let him pass. "I'm David Mundane, on a mission to save Xanth," he said. "Who are you?"

"I am Leai," one said sadly. "I am suicidal, but I can't die."

"I am Adiana," the other said, as sadly. "I want to live, but I am dying."

Suddenly this was heavy stuff. "You can't just switch places?"

"We haven't found the magic for that," Leai said.

Leai asks if she could die in Mundania, and David says probably, if magic keeps her alive. She tries to stab herself, but David stops her. She asks him why, if he doesn't care about girls, and says the reason is her magic.

quote:

"I'm not going to help you get there so you can kill yourself," he said.

She nodded. "I'm not surprised. But maybe if my sister went with you, she could live."

"But I couldn't leave you, Leai," Adiana protested. She was sort of pretty too.

"I don't think I can help you girls," David said.

"Though I'd like to. I'd like to make you both willing and able to live." Then an idea struck him. "I had two sticks of reverse wood. I lost them, but they must have fallen somewhere around here. Maybe if you found them, they would reverse your magics, and�"

Both girls screamed with delight. "Ah, thank you!"

Leai exclaimed, and kissed him on the right ear. "So very, very much," Adiana said, and kissed him on the left ear.

They run off, and David finds a pair of fraternal twins, who tell him that the next section is all boy twins, and that he's on the border. They are Deja and Vu, who can see the future and past. They tell him that his goals will eventually succeed. (Pun Count: 219) Wouldn't want tension! They also tell him he'll find Chena in about 15 minutes.

quote:

"And I can tell you that she will find you in about fifteen and one half minutes," Deja said. "Thereafter your mission will be routine."

"If the thickening magic hasn't distorted his perception," Vu said. "We are somewhat protected from it, here in this valley, so things are almost normal here, but that may change. We are therefore very glad to learn of your mission."

He heads on.

quote:

David went on down the path. There was a sign saying TRI CITY. At least now he was out of the twins section. He felt better.

Until he encountered three girls, evidently triplets. Oh, no! He knew he hadn't a chance of getting through unscathed, but he made the effort. He maintained his pace and tried to march on by them.

(Pun Count: 220)

quote:

"Why, look�a singleton boy," one said. "Let's have some fun with him."

"I'm no fun," he said quickly as they converged. They were big girls, of the kind he would ordinarily like to sneak peeks at, considering their short skirts, but he didn't trust what they might think was fun. "I'm just David, a dull Mundane."

"A Mundane!" another exclaimed. "We must see how our magic works on him."

"Not very well," David said desperately as he came to a stop. He had to stop, because otherwise he would have walked right into the one who was blocking the path ahead.

"We shall soon see," the third said. "Hello, David Mundane. I am Sherry. My talent is to shrink things." She reached forth and touched him�and suddenly he was half his normal size. "You're right�my magic doesn't work well on you. I meant to make you much smaller."

"Please let me go," he cried, getting really worried.

Deja had said Chena would find him soon, but he hadn't said in what state.

"But we haven't finished playing with you," the second woman said. "I am Terry. My talent is to enlarge things."

She reached down to touch him, and suddenly he was twice his normal size. "Oh, my, it is true; I tried to make you invisible giant size, not baby ogre size."

David realized that in his present condition he could bowl them over and escape. But he didn't want to stay this way, either. "I just want to save Xanth," he pleaded.

"In that case, we had better restore you," the first woman said. "I am Merry, and that's my talent." She touched his leg, and suddenly he was back to normal.

Vastly relieved, he pushed on by them and fled down the path. "Come play with us again," Sherry called after him. "We know other games too."

"Fascinating ones," Terry added.

"For a man and three women," Merry finished.

"Not without violating the Adult Conspiracy!" he called back, and had the satisfaction of seeing them gaze at each other in wild surprise. "I guess that pooped your panties," he muttered, pleased.

That's when David hears a horrible howl.

quote:

It turned out to be a huge canine-creature. But it wasn't flesh and blood. It was made out of wood. Its legs were like uprooted saplings, its body was like a section of a tree trunk, and its teeth were sharpened wooden pegs glistening with sap. It was a timber wolf!

(Pun Count: 221) He flees, chased by the wolf, but Chena swoops down and saves him. Fracto had told her where David was, with Crystal's help in figuring out how to talk to him.

quote:

"We devised a fog-ball code. One ball for yes, two for no, and a fog arrow to show where to find you. He said you were all right, but that a tree dog was closing in on you, so we had to hurry."

"That was a timber wolf!" David said, laughing.

Chena laughed too. "Timber wolf! Of course! We zeroed in from forest to tree, and from animal to dog, but couldn't make better sense of it in the time we had. Anyway, Fracto will lead us back to the eye, but after that it will be up to us, because he'll have to get in front of Happy Bottom and lure her into the Region of Air."

They're not sure how to herd the storm now that it's aware of their plan, though. David explains about what happened to him on the ground.

quote:

"That was the funny thing. They were all twins. It was called Twin City, though it didn't look much like a city. They had sort of complementary talents, like rock shaping and rock animation, or changing her own hair color, or somebody else's hair color, or being unable to die or unable to live." He paused, because that last pair had touched his emotion, and not just because they were pretty.

"Maybe I managed to help them, because of the dropped sticks of reverse wood. If they find those, maybe one can live, and the other can want to live."

David realizes they can use the reverse wood sticks Keaira has to herd Happy Bottom, trailing them on rope. They begin their plan, using the wood to make the eye contract when it wants to expand. They head past the Gap, but night is falling. They plan to stop by night, hoping the storm will be too confused to realize what's going on in the dark.

quote:

Even so, it was after dark by the time they made it to the RV. Fortunately it had a light on, so they could spy it from afar, and they landed safely beside if.

Sean must have heard them coming, because he was standing out waiting. Willow flew down into his embrace.

There followed a disgusting amount of hugging, kissing, and breathless endearments. David made a mental note, never stray near a love spring.

Pun Count: 221 by the end of Chapter 14.

# ? Jan 1, 2014 18:16

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 15 puts is in Tweeter's POV. Yes, the bird.

quote:

Tweeter rather liked this magic land of Xanth, where birds were so prominently represented. It had been fun meeting Roxanne Roc and playing with Sim Chick, and Tweeter had taught Sim some dirty bird jokes that no nonbird would understand. But now he was about ready to go home, where things were more settled. He really wasn't an adventurous bird; good seed, a daylong snooze in the cage, and some fun with Karen at the end of the day were all he really craved. Even this business of being intelligent was becoming wearing, in part because it made him so much more aware of things. How could a bird be happy and secure in his ignorance, when he was too smart? True, it had been nice getting to know Woofer and Midrange better, and they had proved to be loyal friends, but all of them now recognized that they were not looking for independent existence. Let the human folk suffer the stresses of intelligent life.

(Pun Count: 222) David heads out at dawn with the rest of his team to go and send Happy Bottom to the region of air to be seduced by Fracto. The RV starts heading north, no longer needing Keaira or the centaurs to travel since the storm has moved off. Instead, Mentia can push it around while it floats naturally. They near Castle Roogna, but Nimby becomes nervous. They must land immediately, and Adam turns stony to bring them down. Nimby explains.

quote:

He handed her another note. She read it aloud. "'Because the Law of Averages has been overturned on appeal.'"

(Pun Count: 223)

quote:

It turned out that the junior computing program Sending was the culprit. He had not liked losing possession of Woofer and Tweeter, or getting disconnected by the reverse wood, or losing his windbreaker jacket. According to the Law of Averages, he was bound to win some and lose some, but he didn't like losing, so he had appealed to the Muses of Mount Parnassus. He had claimed that no ordinary person could have answered his twenty questions, so something extraordinary was afoot, messing up reality.

He wanted that reality changed.

"But that's just your nature," Chlorine protested to Nimby. "You know everything around you."

Nimby shrugged. Evidently the Muses had seen merit in the challenge, so had granted the appeal. The Law of Averages had been reversed.

"That's liable to have one bleep of a consequence," Dad said grimly. "The fundamental order of the universe is governed by�" He was interrupted by a sudden buffet of wind that shook the RV. He staggered, almost getting thrown into a wall.

And so Happy Bottom starts coming back, trapping Willow, David and the centaurs in the storm. Keaira can keep them safe, but they can't come back.

quote:

Sean looked at Nimby. "Sending got the Law of Averages revoked�and now everything's going haywire? All the unlikely wrong things are happening? And we're all in deep bleep? Just when we figured we'd won the game?"

Nimby nodded four times.

"Why didn't you warn us?" Mom demanded hysterically. "Before we sent them out into disaster? My poor child!"

"Nimby is omniscient, not prescient," Dad reminded her. "He can't see the future. And probably this appeal Sending made was done privately, with no obvious evidence until the decision was made, so it didn't attract Nimby's attention. Even if a person can see everything, he can't pay attention to it all; the volume is overwhelming."

Mary apologizes for blaming Nimby, and Karen points out that they have to do something about it.

quote:

Nimby wrote a long note and gave it to Chlorine. "'The success of the mission now hangs by a thread that is rapidly unraveling. We must go to fetch a new thread, before the old one breaks. Then all can be salvaged.'"

(Pun Count: 224) Tweeter will have to join Nimby and Chlorine to get the new thread. They head out, and Nimby turns dragon to carry them, but turns human again when Chlorine asks where they're going.

quote:

So as the swirl of dust settled out. Nimby assumed his human form and began writing a note. Meanwhile Chlorine saw a path leading to a pleasant-berry patch, so she walked toward it. The berries looked good to Tweeter too, so he stayed with her, riding on her head.

She picked the first pleasant-berry and put it in her mouth. Suddenly an unpleasant man appeared. "You have stolen my berry!" he cried. "Now I shall steal something of value to you." He advanced on her, looking as if he happened to be thinking of the roughest, ugliest stork.

"Stop, or I'll poison your water," she warned him.

"You can't poison anything after eating a pleasantberry," he retorted as he grabbed for her, and evidently it was true, because he did not double over in pain.

Chlorine tried to escape, but the path behind her had abruptly overgrown with horrendous brambles. So she screamed instead. Even that had a pleasant sound, as if she didn't really mean it.

"That won't save you, you luscious creature," the man said. "You are trapped. Nothing less than a dragon could rescue you�and what dragon would bother? Dragons don't like being pleasant." He reached for her.

Then there was a thud and crash, and Nimby came charging across. He did not look at all pleasant. Comical, maybe, but not pleasant. The man took half a look at the huge dragon body and fled. Tweeter was glad the man hadn't gotten a good look at Nimby's innocuous head; he would have realized that this dragon wasn't much of a threat even away from a pleasant-berry patch.

However, in saving Chlorine from a random rapist, Nimby lost his note.

quote:

"Well, I wouldn't have gotten in trouble if I hadn't asked you a stupid question and made you change to manform, and then wandered away from you, like the shallow creature I am," she said. "So you just stay the way you are. Nimby; I'm sure you know where you are going, and will get us safely there."

Naturally, it's her fault.

quote:

But Nimby's donkey snoot looked doubtful, and that alarmed Tweeter. Suddenly he suspected that this mission might not be as simple or safe as they had assumed.

"No offense. Nimby, but I think I could use a weapon, just in case," Chlorine said. Tweeter agreed; Nimby wouldn't be able to bluff too many more hostile creatures.

"So you won't have to rescue me from any more berry patches. Ah�there's a gourdless phone; let me make a call on that." And she swept up a small gourd that had no vine. "Hey, do you have any ribbons or bows in stock?" she said into it.

(Pun Count: 226) Tweeter flies off to look around and take a poo poo.

quote:

He landed on a branch and took care of his business.

But then a larger bird appeared. "Haa!" he cried in bird talk. "You have besmirched my tree, and now I shall besmirch you, you tasty morsel of a mouthful." He looked as if he were thinking of savory fresh gizzards garlanded with hot drops of blood.

Tweeter tried to flee, but the predator took off too, and he had more powerful wings. "I am rapt with the rapture of wrapping your ragamuffin remains with my ravenous rapier," the raptor rapped.

(Pun Count: 234)

quote:

Tweeter flew desperately toward Nimby, but knew he wouldn't get there in time, and anyway, what could a donkey head do to stop a swift predatory bird?

Then a shaft flew by him, so close it ruffled his tail feathers. It was an arrow, and it passed close to the pursuing raptor too.

"The next one won't miss, hawk-eye," Chlorine said.

"This bow is cross, if not actually angry, and it is eager to score." Indeed she held a crossbow.

(Pun Count: 235)

quote:

The raptor considered, then veered off. It knew that irate bow wouldn't fire another mere warning shot; it would go for the kill. Chlorine had saved Tweeter from a fate worse than life. He landed in her hair, thankful for her help.

They moved on through the forest. Later they paused by another berry patch to eat. There was a man there, but he did not look hostile. "Do you mind if we eat some of these berries?" Chlorine inquired, smiling nicely. But Tweeter knew she was braced for possible trouble, with her crossbow near at hand.

"Not at all," he replied. "I'm just passing through. They are good berries."

"I'm Chlorine, and these are Nimby and Tweeter. We're looking for a new story thread. Have you seen any?"

"I'm Ray. All I have seen are worn old story threads, I'm sorry to say. They don't make them the way they used to. The person you want to ask is the Pawpaw Wizard."

"The who?"

"He's a storyteller," Ray explained. "He surely knows where all the best story threads are."

(Pun Count: 236) Ray shows them the way, and explains that he's hunting for a money tree. (Pun Count: 237)

quote:

"But money isn't any use," Chlorine said. "It just gets dirty."

"I know. But I have a pet money spider, and all it will eat is money, so I need some more."

(Pun Count: 237)

quote:

Tweeter finished his berry and flew up to get a look at the lay of the land. In a hollow just out of sight of the berry patch he spied a tree whose leaves had green backs.

(Pun Count: 238) Ray harvests some cash, and then helps them find the way.

quote:

They resumed their travel, with Ray walking ahead to show the way. "There is a bad dragon in these parts," he said. "I prefer to avoid him, but he lurks near the Pawpaw Wizard's home, hoping to catch a careless child. He looks like this." An image of a ravening fire-breathing dragon appeared before him.

Ray's talent is to make illusions of anything he sees, and he's seen the dragon enough that he can do it from memory. The dragon comes, but Tweeter has an idea. He has Ray project his image as large as a roc, scaring the dragon off. They head on and find an old, fat man with glasses. This is Gerald Towne of Mundania, the Pawpaw Wizard.

quote:

"So, of course, I'm not really a wizard in the proper sense, because only natives have magic, but the children do like my tales," the Wizard said. "I have many fine story threads. And I know where others are. What kind do you need?"

Nimby assumed man-form and wrote a note. "I think you folk must have quite a story of your own," the Wizard remarked, observing the change of form. "Perhaps someday you will share it with me."

"Maybe when the crisis is over," Chlorine agreed. Then she took the note. "We need a strong original reverse story thread."

This won't be easy, though. The Pawpaw Wizard tells them a story.

quote:

The Pawpaw Wizard began his story. "There was once, about two hundred years ago, a very unpopular Magician named Joshua. His talent was to reverse magical properties, whether these were talents or charms. Because most folk did not like to have their talents reversed, especially when they were nice ones, they stayed away from Joshua in droves. For example, there was one young woman whose talent was to smell of perfume; when Joshua touched her, she smelled of stink horn. There was a young man whose talent was to scale walls by sticking to them with his hands and feet; when he brushed by Joshua, he became slippery instead, so that he couldn't even stick to the ground without slipping. Another man could always find the right spot for something, whether for an excellent snooze or for a dog to mark territory. After he met Joshua, he always found the wrong spot, leading to considerable embarrassment. So Joshua was not welcome in his home village, or anywhere else, once the people had experience with him, though he was a perfectly decent and well intentioned man. Fortunately his reversals were not permanent, unless done intentionally; they would slowly fade in the course of a few weeks or months, and the normal talents would reassert themselves. So people wanted Joshua to go away and stay away. And so Joshua traveled a lot.

"One day he happened to come upon a fine grove of Xanthorrhoed trees. They were unfamiliar to him, and grew so thickly they barred his passage, so he invoked his talent to reverse their magic. He did not realize that they belonged to a powerful witch, who had imbued them with special magic to enhance the magic of others. When he reversed them, they in turn reversed the magic of others, and were unusable for the witch's purposes. She, in a fury, set her pet griffins on Joshua, and they tore him to pieces before he could reverse them. Thus he died, and no one mourned him. The witch, still furious, then chopped up the trees and scattered them all around Xanth. She thought that would denature them, but instead the wood maintained its strength, and remains potent today. Thus the origin of reverse wood, the source of a great deal of mischief and some benefit throughout Xanth.

(Pun Count: 239)

quote:

"But in the course of his career, Joshua once encountered a fine thread of a story. Again not realizing its nature�he was by no means the brightest of Magicians�he reversed it, ruining the story it was supposed to support.

Disgusted, the tale teller of the time threw it away, and it was lost. Thus that reverse story thread remains somewhere, we know not where, if it has not been destroyed.

That is the thread you require. But I have no idea how you can get it."

Nimby writes another note, asking the Wizard how the forces of nature feel about time travel.

quote:

The Wizard whistled again. "They don't like it, because they regard it as being against nature. But they do have the power to give a person a pass to travel in time, if they can be persuaded that this is necessary. I suppose you could ask them, if you think your reason is persuasive."

"Well, it's to save Xanth from being blown away," Chlorine said.

The Wizard nodded. "That does seem persuasive. I wish you well." He hesitated, then remarked, "I don't mean to pry, but if you really have a way to go back then, I may have some additional information."

Chlorine looked at Nimby. "I think we do intend to go there."

"Then I must warn you of another person who lived in that time." And he plunged into his story.

He was Xanth's very worst vampire, a mean creature who really sucked. His very name would strike fear into the bravest of the brave, so I won't mention it here. Most people simply called him Fang Face. It was thought that he could be killed only by a reverse wood stake through the heart, but since reverse wood didn't exist quite then, it seemed he was invulnerable. A few people knew that he disliked garlic and feared sunlight, but it wouldn't be easy to kill him in those ways. You couldn't just take a bloodthirsty vampire for a stroll in the sun, or invite him to share a slice of garlic bread with you. No, it was going to take more than that to dispatch old Fang Face!

But after the vampire sucked a woman so dry that she had to be dunked immediately in a healing spring, and still looked rather desiccated, her husband decided it was time to get rid of him. "I'm going to get that sucker," he swore.

(Pun Count: 240)

quote:

Unfortunately his talent was just of the spot-on-the-wall variety, not worth mentioning. When it came to matching anyone's magic, he felt quite inferior. He knew that if he challenged the vampire directly, he would merely become another blood donor. But he was a strong man, and an intelligent one, so he concluded that he could probably do it if he just used his head. His name was, uh, well, forgettable. He wasn't a very memorable person anyway. All that matters is what he did this one time.

He fashioned a dummy out of various objects, such as a milk pod for a head and lady fingers for hands, and a pair of jugs for the upper torso. But he turned out to be pretty good at dummying, and the result had considerable stork appeal. It looked just like a very sanguine young woman�that is, filled with tasty blood. He propped her up atop a pile of dry wood. Then he covered her with supersticky sap, and arrow grass, and tangled tree tentacles. The tentacles looked like a skirt that covered not quite enough of her plump legs, and the sap looked like a clinging blouse over her ample bosom. But anything that touched that lush body would be stuck to it for some time.

(Pun Count: 242)

quote:

He hauled the entire assemblage�body and woodpile� to a path near the vampire's crypt and set it up in a marvelously appealing fashion. The trap was set.

Now to bait it. "Help!" the man screamed in a falsetto voice from behind the dummy. "I'm an innocent lovely sweet juicy damsel in deep distress! I'm all tied up, and can hardly even kick my tender feet, let alone escape. Won't someone please rescue me before I catch a sniffle from all this exposure?"

Soon a man came along the path. He was a cool character, which was obvious because he wore snowshoes. But the snow almost melted when he spied the lovely dummy.

(Pun Count: 244)

quote:

"Well, now," he said, and took a step toward her. "The storks will get no rest today."

But this was the wrong man. He wasn't the vampire. He was just a typical sexist lunkhead whose elimination wouldn't make any difference to anyone. It was necessary to make him go away in a hurry.

"Oh, thank you, kind sir!" the husband cried in his cracked falsetto voice. "I never thought a man as handsome as you would take an interest in me. I'm just one of several aides to the cruel vampire."

The lunk paused. "You're a what?"

"One of the aides," the husband cried. "Aides! AIDES!"

"That's what I thought you said! I'm not touching any aides. I'm outta here!" And the lunk took off, leaving behind chunks of snow from his cold feet.

(Pun Count: 246)

quote:

The husband sighed a breath of relief. Only his quick and dirty wit had saved his trap that time. He hoped the vampire would be the next one to pass by.

This time his fortune was good. The vampire arrived.

"Methinks I see a luscious creature," he opined. "Sanguine and helpless�exactly the way I prefer." He marched up and plunged his fangs into the temptingly exposed flesh of the dummy.

Then he recoiled. "This isn't blood!" he cried in outrage. "This is milk! What are you doing with milk in your body?"

"Exactly where did you bite me?" the husband asked in his falsetto. "You should know better than to bite a milkmaid in the heaving bosom."

(Pun Count: 247)

quote:

"I didn't bite your bosom, I bit your neck!" the vampire screamed. "Do you think I don't know where to bite a helpless damsel? Anyway, it wasn't heaving." Then he realized the significance of that. "Hey! This isn't a real woman�it's a stupid dummy!"

"Fancy that," the husband said, abandoning the falsetto, which was becoming a strain anyway. "I guess it takes one to bite one."

The vampire tried to pull away, but the arrow-grass hair had caught his head, and the tentacle skirt had grabbed his legs. In addition, the sticky sap had glued his face to the dummy's neck. "Help!" he cried. "All I wanted to do was have a nice snack of blood, and now I'm stuck."

"And in a moment you'll be a roast, you sap," the husband said gleefully. "Just as soon as I light a fire under you." And he proceeded to do just that.

"You fool!" the vampire cried out of the side of his stuck face. "You can't kill me! I'm immortal!"

"Oh, I'm sure that's an exaggeration," the husband said, warming his hands as the fire blazed up.

"Not much of one," the vampire clarified. "You'll see, you fool. I'll be back to taste your blood yet."

"If so, you'll have to do it as ashes, because that's what you'll soon be. Maybe you'll find a nice piece of ash to bite. Maybe I'll bury your ashes in a hole, making you an ash hole." The man laughed at his wit, which was just as well, because the vampire didn't find it very funny.

However, the husband should have taken the threat more seriously, because the vampire really was immortal in his fashion. As he burned to ashes, each ash became a mosquito. The mosquito knew only one thing, and that was to suck blood. Like cri-tics, they swarmed all over anything that lived, and sucked. The husband was their very first victim, but for some reason he didn't feel honored. He fled, swatting himself unmercifully.

(Pun Count: 248)

quote:

"And ever since then, the vampire mosquitoes have plagued Xanth," the Pawpaw Wizard concluded. "And Mundania too, where it seems as if they have been forever, but that's only because of the itching. But that is of little concern to you. The point is that the vampire didn't die until shortly before the Reverse Magician did, and he lived in the same general region. In fact, they were friends of a sort. The one did not try to suck the blood of the other, and the other did not reverse the one into a blood-spitting image. So if you go there and then, you are bound to encounter him. And you probably wouldn't care to."

Chlorine shuddered. "Thank you for the warning. We shall do our best to avoid the vampire. At least we won't have to worry about mosquitoes."

"And some believe that the story thread Joshua lost may be in the possession of the vampire."

Nimby confirms this. They move on, though, seeking out the forces of nature. Who are literal people, I guess.

quote:

They came to a region of ashes. Chlorine looked around in alarm, but Nimby was unconcerned, so she relaxed. In its center was a burning circle, and in the circle stood an attractive young or seemingly young woman whose long hair was the color of flame and whose short skirt was the color of smoke. She was evidently enjoying herself, doing a dance, her bare feet unhurt by the hot coals.

This is Fira, force of fire. (Pun Count: 249) She agrees to give her quarter of the pass because without fuel, fire will go away forever.

quote:

They hurried on. Soon they came to a small lake. In the center of it stood a woman whose gown and headdress flowed liquidly across her frame, which seemed to be as completely supple as water.

Mareen, force of water. (Pun Count: 250) She agrees to help, too.

quote:

They went on until they came to a gray rock statue of a woman in a plant green robe decorated with red strawberries. She carried a cornucopia from which a wheat shrouded pumpkin was about to emerge, and her other hand was extended with a handful of seeds.

Alanda of land. (Pun Count: 251) She agrees to help, too.

quote:

They continued, until they came to a windy glade. Here there floated a woman with waist-length windblown hair and a long windblown cape, and a big hawk on her arm.

Windona of wind. (Pun Count: 252) Tweeter talks to her hawk, asking for help, because if Happy Bottom destroys all the trees, birds will have nowhere to nest and the storm will replace Windona. Windona agrees to help. They head on to a glade.

quote:

There was a table in the center. It turned out to be made entirely of salt. "Table salt," Chlorine said, pleased. "Just what we need." She spread out the cards they had received from the four forces of nature.

(Pun Count: 253) They put together the license.

quote:

Chlorine filled in the time Nimby indicated: Apull 19, 900. Then she sat on Nimby dragon, and Tweeter perched on her hair, and she invoked the crime against nature. "Let us pass to the past," she said.

(Pun Count: 255) They head into the past, and Nimby explains that the vampire uses the thread to keep a recalcitrant button on his cape.

quote:

But there was more. Nimby was writing again. Chlorine read the new note. " 'I can take you to the Vampire Gestalt. But it will not be easy to take the thread, because he values it.' " Chlorine looked up, causing Tweeter to adjust his perch on her hair. "I can fix that, I think; I can stand before the vampire, and stun him by showing him my panties�" She paused, seeing Nimby's head shake. She looked back down at the note she hadn't finished reading.

(Pun Count: 256 - that's a Lestat pun.)

quote:

Tweeter readjusted. "Oh. 'Panties don't freak out vampires. Only lush, pulsing, sanguine necks.'" She looked up again, and Tweeter rode with it. "Well, then, I'll bare my lush pulsing sanguine neck, and�" Another shake made her look back at the note. "Oh. 'We're not allowed to hurt the vampire, because that would change Xanth history in unpredictable ways. He must meet his destined fate as described.' " She looked up, and Tweeter shifted again.

"But that means that Xanth will be plagued by hungry mosquitoes! Can't we eliminate them?" Another shake sent her back to the note. "'A number of special creatures came to prey on those mosquitoes, such as a fine type of netting, and several repellents�' " She looked up. "I met a repellent once. It was a disgusting creature. But I suppose nets are useful." She resumed reading. "'And their elimination would mess up Xanth in other unpredictable ways. It might even interfere with the story line we are in, eliminating us as characters.'" She gulped and looked up again. Tweeter was beginning to feel motion sick. "Suddenly I see the point! This is all in the past, so any change can affect us. And we don't want that, because we might cause ourselves never to exist, and our great adventure would be erased before it started. So what must we do?"

(Pun Count: 257) They have to get the thread without being noticed or hurting Gestalt. They head off to find the vampire in his lair, a hut made of bloodroot. (Pun Count: 258) Chlorine calls the vampire, and Tweeter sees that they couldn't have stolen the button while he slept because of how he wrapped his cloak around himself. The vampire wants Chlorine to come inside, and she offers to meet him halfway, in the shadows. She distracts the vampire while Tweeter tries to steal the thread. However, Gestalt notices.

quote:

Unfortunately, the thread did not give way. The vampire felt the tug. "What's this?" he demanded, glancing down.

"This is a tender panty!" Chlorine cried, snatching up her skirt to show it. Then, remembering, she reversed course and snatched open the front of her blouse to reveal her pulsing neck, and somewhat more. "I mean a silken bos�uh, neck!" Old habits died hard.

But she was too late. The flash of silken panty hadn't stunned the vampire, just as Nimby had warned it wouldn't, and by the time her tender neck showed, the vampire's gaze had departed her body.

His hand was no slower. It dropped down and closed about Tweeter. "We have an avian creature," he exclaimed, surprised. "Someone is giving me the bird."

(Pun Count: 259)

quote:

"Pay no attention to that bird," Chlorine cried desperately. "He doesn't have more than a drop of blood, while I have half a slew, uh, wash, uh, jug!" She ripped open the rest of her blouse, showing her entire delectable front, which indeed had not one but two ample jugs.

But the Vampire Gestalt, canny in his fashion, would not be distracted. "All in good time," he told Chlorine without looking. "What were you after, bird? My button? Are you a button hooker?" He held Tweeter up before his face, helpless.

(Pun Count: 260) Gestalt wants to understand, and takes Tweeter inside. He just wants to know what's going on, since Tweeter's not much of a snack. Tweeter gets an idea. He explains, via 20 questions, that he's after the thread, and that doing so will be good for the vampire. Tweeter claims the thread interferes with his food. The vampire realizes that the thread reverses the nature of his prey, making his aura alarm them rather than calm them. Gestalt hands over the thread, but Tweeter finds he can't fly with it, so he has to wlak out. The trio leave, then, and Gestalt accepts this, since he shouldn't have much trouble finding another meal. Tweeter hangs out on Nimby's tail, to keep the thread from reversing the others, and they head back to the present.

Pun Count: 260 by the end of Chapter 15.

# ? Jan 7, 2014 17:41

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

I can't even follow the plot; it's like a series of fetch quests and puns jammed in there to make it look like the book isn't just a flimsy excuse for Anthony's excruciating love stories. And by love stories I mean lazy descriptions of tits and tee-hee panties.

# ? Jan 7, 2014 21:44

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

That sounds basically accurate. That'd be the plot.

Chapter 16 drops us into Nimby's head. X(A/N)th is half-satisfied with how things are going. The new story thread has been found, which should revert the plot to normal. Happy Bottom will be confined to the Region of Air with ease. However, he's still not gotten that tear. If he can't get it, he will be demoted to least of Demons and will lose his land, which will probably be destroyed. He regrets that part - he's come to like the place and, now, its denizens. He has enjoyed his time with Chlorine. They meet up with the RV, and decides that he really likes the Baldwins, too.

quote:

Sean and Willow emerged. They were somber; they had not resolved their impasse. They were in love, and could not bear to be separated, but they were of different realms, neither suited for the other realm. In Sean's mind was a notion of separating from his family to remain in Xanth, but he was held back by the knowledge that this would so greatly hurt the other members of the family as to mire him in perpetual guilt. In Willow's mind was the thought of going with him to Mundania, where she thought she would die, but at least she would have a little more time with him. But she realized that this would be worse for Sean than separation. So she would bravely bid him farewell, and when he was gone she would do what she should have done at the outset, and fly to Mount Rushmost were they had reunited, tie her wings together so she could not fly, and throw herself off the precipice. Then she would be at peace, and Sean would never know, so would suffer no additional grief.

Nimby knew these things, but could not speak them and did not care to write them. He also knew that good news was on the way for them. So that affair would have a happy ending, and perhaps that was best. Just as it was best that all the folk of Xanth be happy this day, not knowing �

"Very well," Chlorine said, not knowing the nature or velocity of his thoughts. "Put me in a lovely party gown and hairdo for the party."

"Gee, are you going to change right out here?" David asked, his twelve-year-old pupils dilating. The presence of Chlorine accelerated his race toward maturity, especially since Big Brother Sean had lost interest.

"Right out here," Chlorine agreed, smiling. Suddenly her complete outfit shifted, as Nimby changed her according to her wish, in somewhat less than an eye-blink. Naturally David had blinked in that moment, so saw none of what he had hoped to.

"Aww," the boy said, disappointed.

Chlorine turned to Nimby. "You know, he's Mundane," she murmured low. "Would it be too great a violation if he caught half a glimpse, considering the spirit of the occasion?" Her mind made clear the nature of her request. She knew that she would not have this beautiful body much longer, because the adventure was almost over, and she wanted to leave a lasting impression on someone without actually being tried for Violation of the Adult Conspiracy. She also wanted to give the boy a treat, and she did not hold the Conspiracy in as much awe as was proper, because of her background as a woman nobody much looked at anyway.

So Nimby removed her dress for one full blink, at a time when only David happened to be looking, so that she stood in eyeball-numbing yellow-green bra and panties.

Then he restored the outfit, as if it had never lapsed; there was no evidence and no other witness, so there would be no case even if someone suspected.

David's brown eyes turned yellow-green and his jaw dropped. Brief as it was, it had still been too much of a dose; he was stunned, and about to fall. But Nimby caught one arm, and Chlorine the other. "Promise not to tell," she whispered in the boy's ear.

David nodded numbly. He would recover, because he was Mundane and not quite of age for the full effect to register. But it was a close call. Mundanes, it turned out, weren't all that different from Xanthians. As it was, the boy would start pursuing girls a full year earlier than he would have otherwise; the secret glimpse had advanced his thyme-table that far.

(Pun Count: 261)

quote:

Mary glanced somewhat suspiciously at Chlorine's low and curvaceous d�colletage. "Go with your sister," she said. She suspected that the boy had seen a bit too much, so was moving him away from it. Fortunately she suspected only about a quarter of the reality.

They walked as a group toward Castle Roogna. But David, still glazed, stumbled. Mary caught him and looked in his face. "Your eyes!" she exclaimed. "They're green!"

Now she suspected half the reality. But being Mundane, she had an abiding disbelief of magic, so couldn't bring herself to suspect the whole of it. That was just as well.

The boy's eyes had been stained permanently green by what he had seen.

They arrive at Roogna and meet Electra again, now dressed up. They make their introductions, and Nimby notes that some centaurs will be coming, at Humfrey's invitation. Carleton and Sheila Centaur show up, and Sean and Willow talk about how they wish they'd had sex. Chena, meanwhile, is overjoyed to see her brother again. Carleton mentions that he and some other dissatisfied centaurs from the Isle would happily become winged centaurs. Sheila is coming along because she's in love with Carleton. Snarl and his mistress show up next. Then the four forces of nature show up. They finally head inside and meet up with Nada, Mentia, Trenita and Ivy. Wira and Jenny Elf show up and approach Willow, giving her a pass to Xanth that will allow her to pass through No Name Key with whatever companions she likes. She is told that she won't, in fact, die in Mundania - she'll just lose her wings and become human while there. But she can return to normal by returning to Xanth with the pass.

quote:

"Please don't speak so loudly," Wira cautioned. "The Good Magician would not like to have it widely known that he ever did a favor without charge. But considering your service in helping to save Xanth from the Ill Wind, he felt it was warranted."

And then Wira leaves and Sean proposes to Willow.

quote:

Suddenly her bearings were gotten. "Yes!" She hugged him and kissed him, and little hearts floated out.

"Oh, look!" Karen cried, spying a heart as it floated by her nose. "Little hearts! They're engaged!"

Then everyone looked, and there was applause.

Nimby was glad the Good Magician had not come in person, because he would have had some hard questions for Nimby. It was not easy to keep the truth from Humfrey, who was the Magician of Information. Obviously the Good Magician knew that Nimby had asked Willow to help herd Happy Bottom north. But, as obviously, he had not fathomed Nimby's full nature. Yet.

This entire scene is stupid. The party starts, Nimby dances with Chlorine and so on. Dor gives Jim Baldwin a certificate of thanks for his family's work, and tells him they'll be welcome whenever they return via Willow's pass. The next morning, the family heads out and Chlorine decides to go home. She asks if she can show Nimby to her family before this all ends, and he agrees.

quote:

"So okay, I'm taking my medicine and declaring this wonderful adventure over," she said, and at that point she reverted to her natural appearance and nature. "You are free to do whatever you want, with my thanks. But if you will be kind enough to wait here until I can bring my family to see you, I'll really appreciate it. It's been great, Nimby." Her reversion hadn't quite registered yet, so she was still being nice. Then she turned and marched away from him, not looking back because she was afraid she would break down and ask for what she thought to be impossible: a permanent life as a lovely, smart, healthy, and nice woman.

And Nimby lost his power of motion and magic. All that remained was his awareness of all things in Xanth, but he could no longer affect them in any way. He had been reduced to a donkey-headed hulk, and would remain so until he rotted away, unless Chlorine should shed her tear for him. And why should she do that, knowing it would blind her?

The Demon X(AN)th was depressed because he was about to lose his wager, and with it his governance of the Land of Xanth. Some other Demon would take it over, and might change it or destroy it, because no other Demon cared about it the way X(AN)th did. For he had indeed come to care for it, very much. And therein lay another irony, for he had also fallen in love with Chlorine.

Of course, he knew that the beautiful, smart, healthy, nice edition was a creation of his magic. He had made her, literally. But he had done it by her request, to her specifications. She had become the woman she chose to be, when she had the option. Therefore the seeds of it had been within her; she had known her deficiencies, and acted to eliminate them. Chlorine, as she had been the past few days, was what she would be always, given the chance.

And it was Chlorine Ideal that he loved. She was just the perfect woman. In all but one respect�the one she hadn't thought of. And that was the capacity to love. Her hard life had washed that out along with her tears, until only a vestige remained. And so she did not love him back. He knew it, because he knew her mind as no other did. And without that love, she would never shed a tear for anyone other than herself.

X(A/N)th himself had not known the meaning of love, before this adventure. He had not cared about anyone or anything except himself and his competitive ranking among Demons. But in order to win Chlorine's love he had had to learn about love, and in the course of that he learned how.

It had not been easy or sudden, because Chlorine herself did not truly understand it. She thought that love came automatically with beauty and niceness. She was mistaken; such things merely facilitated it. So she had practiced her craft, impressing young males by displaying teasing portions of her healthy body and clothing. She had teased Nimby, too, and indeed she had been interesting, and he would have liked to summon the stork with her. But storks were not identical to love; they were more like fellow travelers. There could be storks without love, and love without storks. Chlorine had finally realized that distinction, and broken off the effort, and in that decision had sown the seed of what she lacked. She had realized that she was coming to care for him enough to make playing unkind, but she hadn't realized what she was actually searching for.

It was the Mundane family Baldwin that had begun to show him the immense potential depth and breadth of love.

The children's love for their pets, and Mary's love for the children. Neither had anything to do with storks, but in their subtle ways they were as significant. Any member of that family was prepared to die to protect any other member. Not all of them realized it, such as David, but it was true. X(A/N)th had studied that quiet underlying emotion, laboring to understand it, and gradually had succeeded.

Mary had helped him most, by showing her concern for everyone, even for him, when he had come in soiled from the meatier shower. She had treated him like a son, and though he was infinitely older than she, he had appreciated it. She had cared for him, and thereby shown him how to care for her. It was a kind of commitment that required no magic; it was just there, like water seeping silently through ground. But it was the base on which the more dramatic forms of love were laid.

Such as that between Sean and Willow. True, it had been sponsored by a dip in a love spring. But neither would have been affected as they were, if they had not had solid family love first. They had understood the aspects of love, and were ready when suddenly it caught fire.

Otherwise the water would merely have caused them to mate uncontrollably, summoning as many storks as they could in a short time, and then to separate, the mood expended, in the manner of animals. Instead they had resisted the mating urge for the sake of a larger commitment that they were, ironically, unable to make. For the love they wished to realize in its entirety.

It had taken X(A/N)th some time to analyze that, and to emulate it to be sure that he did understand it. But that turned out to be a door that, once opened, could not be closed again. He loved Chlorine.

Now she had ended the adventure, without knowing its significance. Unable to love herself, she had not appreciated how a donkey-headed dragon could love her. It had all been for fun, as she saw it, a glorious adventure of the type Princesses were wont to have. Indeed, she had danced with a Prince, and conversed with a King, and not made a fool of herself. This was her notion of the ultimate. Now it was over, and she was going home. And Nimby was dying.

Perhaps it had been doomed from the start. From the time he had allowed his attention to wander, and had addressed the wrong young woman. The one without tears.

But somehow he could not regret that now, because he could not have loved the other woman more than he loved Chlorine. Though he lost the bet, and his status, and the Land of Xanth, he had gained something infinitely precious in return: the knowledge and substance of love. Perhaps it was worth it.

Yet how different it might have been. Had Chlorine possessed just a smidgen more awareness of the true nature of love, she might then have asked for an enhanced capacity, and then she might have learned to love him. But as it was, she merely liked him. And so his mission here was doomed.

Had she been able to shed her last tear for him, he would have won, and then what a great and wonderful surprise he would have had for her! He would have made her all that she had wanted to be, and so much more, more than she had ever imagined. She could have become the Goddess of Xanth, below only himself, because he could not make her a Demon. All knowledge, all power, and all joy, too, could have been hers. He would have assumed any form she wanted, especially the handsome Nimby-man one, and obliged her in any way she wished. He could have given her any magic talent she wished, being no longer limited by fear of discovery of his nature. But perhaps most important of all, he would have given her his love, and enabled her to love him in return, in the manner of Sean and Willow. And in thanks for the way those two had showed him how gloriously complete true love could be, he would have given Sean the talent of flying without wings in Xanth, so he could share Willow's life completely. No one else could do such a thing, but the Demon X(A/N)th had all magic power in his own land, and he knew now that a favor done required a favor returned.

Everything, everything, could have been Chlorine's, for herself and her friends who had helped her battle the Ill Wind. Even those who had come in late, like Adam and Keaira, who were now discovering a romance of their own.

Nimby decides to spread his awareness and watch Chlorine.

quote:

"Where's that sprig of thyme you were supposed to fetch, you disreputable wench?" her shrewish mother demanded, slapping her. She did that often, because she knew the girl didn't dare hit back.

Chlorine had completely forgotten about that. In fact, she didn't even remember that she hadn't been the one sent for a sprig of thyme; that was Miss Fortune. Chlorine had gone for a bow from a bow-vine. But the two had collided, and gotten confused, and proceeded on each other's missions. "I�I got distracted," she said, realizing just how awful her family life had been. Why had she ever bothered to return to this?

"Distracted?" her brutish father asked. "Did you sneak out to see a stupid boy?" A stupid boy. That was about as far from the truth as it was possible to get.

"Not exactly. You see I encountered a funny-looking dragon who changed into a handsome man, and made me beautiful, and we had the most wonderful adventure and helped save Xanth from the Ill Wind, and�"

"Shut up!" he shouted, lifting his hand to knock some respect into her. "Don't try to tell me any crazy fantastic story! Where's this oaf?"

Chlorine realized that they were not about to listen, so she tried another tack. "Out near the thyme plant. Do you want to meet him?"

"Sure I do," her father said, fetching his club from the wall. "I'll bash his head into pulp! You don't deserve any man."

Bash Nimby? Gross chance! She did not realize that Nimby was now immobile. So she led them back to where Nimby lay. "There he is," she said. "The dragon who made me beautiful and gave me the best adventure of my life. Now do you believe me?"

"A dragon rear end!" the man exclaimed, recognizing the species immediately, because it was so close to his own type. "We don't want that kind here. Not in my back yard. We'll destroy it." He bashed Nimby on the head with his club, but it made no difference. Nimby could not move, but neither was he vulnerable to the weak strength of a dissipated mortal man. Only time would wipe him out, or a hot fire.

"It's already dead, you fool," Chlorine's mother said.

So they decide to burn Nimby.

quote:

Chlorine was stunned. "Nimby�what's the matter with you?" she cried. "Get up, get away from here! I'll go with you. Maybe we can have another adventure somewhere else."

But Nimby didn't move. He had lost that power.

"So you're slacking off, as usual, you slut," Chlorine's father said. "Just for that, you will have the privilege of doing the final honor." He brought out a torch, and lit it.

"You will set fire to the pyre. Let that be a lesson to you."

He shoved the blazing torch into Chlorine's somewhat flaccid hand.

"Nimby!" she cried, a strange emotion rising in her.

"Get up! Get away! Don't let them kill you!"

Of course, he can't.

quote:

Chlorine realized that she had no choice. She was back in the real world of Xanth, no longer in the dreamworld of beauty and Princesses and great adventures. She was subject to the brutish whims of her family, and she herself was rather more like them than she liked. For a while she had been nice as well as beautiful, but now she was neither. She wished she could have loved and been loved while she was worthy of it, yet somehow she hadn't known how to make it happen. Why hadn't she thought to ask Nimby? So she had squandered her chance even for that.

She was a loser. Her best bet was to burn up the dragon and be done with illusions of grandeur.

She lowered the torch. But as she gazed directly upon Nimby's ugly donkey head, a despairing realization came.

"I'm not beautiful, I'm not nice, I'm no good, I'm poison, like my talent�but for a while you made me seem otherwise. I owe you that wonderful dream that never could be. I owe the Mundane family too, because they showed me how good a family could be. I think maybe I could learn to love like that, given half a chance. Oh, Nimby, I don't know what happened to you, but I fear it's my fault.

Maybe I poisoned your water by accident when I reverted to my normal nature. It's too late now to make amends, and I'd mess it up if I tried. But now I know I love you in my worthless way, and if I can't gaze on you, I don't care if I never see anything again! In fact, I'll join you in this pyre, so maybe my third-rate spirit can be near yours.

Nimby, I beg you, forgive me for messing you up." She touched the torch to the brush, and the pyre flamed high, heating her face, singeing her hair.

And the two halves of her only remaining tear flowed from her eyes, blinding them, and merged on her nose, and that tear fell.

Pun Count: 261 by the end of Yon Ill Wind.

# ? Jan 8, 2014 14:25

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Faun and Games is awful. So awful that I knew it was awful as a kid. I managed to get through some of the books that followed it despite that, because I was loving stupid. But it is awful. It stars Mare Imbri and a new character, Forrest Faun. We begin with Mentia showing up at Forrest's tree and asking him to gently caress her. He realizes she's not a nymph pretty fast, and she introduces herself. (Pun Count: 1) She's bored because Metria's busy with her son. She asks what gave her away as a demon.

quote:

"If I tell you, will you go somewhere else?" It was usually possible to get rid of demons if one made a suitable deal with them.

"Yes, if you want me to." Her bright yellow dress fuzzed, showing the vague outline of her body beneath, with almost a suggestion of a forbidden panty line.

So there was a catch. "Why wouldn't I want you to?"

"Because I have dreadful information that will puzzle and alarm you and perhaps change your whole outlook."

That seemed like adequate reason. Forrest, now fully awake, jumped down to the ground, landing neatly on his hoofs. "What gave you away was your manner. You were not acting like a nymph. You were way too forward and intelligent. Much of a nymph's appeal is in her seeming reticence and lack of intellect. Now what's this dreadful information?"

"Follow me." Mentia whirled in place, so that her body twisted into a tight spiral before untwisting facing the opposite direction, and walked away. Her skirt shrank so as to show her legs as far up as was feasible without running out of limb. But of course Forrest didn't notice, because nothing a demoness showed was very real.

She led him across the glade to a tree on the far side. "See."

Forrest stared with dismay at the clog tree. It was wilting, and its clogs were falling to the ground. That could mean only one thing: it had lost its spirit.

As it happened, the clog tree's spirit was Forrest's friend: Branch Faun. They had known each other for almost two centuries, because their two trees were in sight of each other. Almost every day Forrest would drop out of his sandalwood tree, and join Branch in the glade between them to dance a jig or two. With luck, their jigging would attract the fleeting attention of a nymph or three, who would join in, jiggling.

(Pun Count: 4)

quote:

With further luck, jig and Jiggle would lead to a pleasant chase and celebration.

But this morning Branch's tree was in a sad state. It wouldn't fade so soon if its faun were merely absent; fauns and nymphs shared an awareness with their trees that alerted them instantly if harm came to either. Let a human forester even come near such a tree with an axe, and its faun would have a fit. Let a faun split a hoof, and his tree would shudder. Such reactions were independent of distance; a faun could run far away from his tree, and still be closely attuned to it.

Forrest is indeed puzzled and alarmed. Mentia has no idea what caused it, she just thought it'd bother Forrest. Something has happened to Branch overnight.

quote:

The clog tree's distress meant that Branch was in serious trouble, if not dead. What could have happened? Branch had been fine yesterday. In fact he had encountered a nymph from a lady slipper tree whose slippers gave her special fleetness, just as the sandals from Forrest's sandalwood tree gave him excellent footing, and the clogs from Branch's tree protected his hoofs. They had had quite a merry chase. Because that was what fauns and nymphs did; they chased each other until they came together, and then they celebrated in a manner that children were not supposed to see. Because it did tend to get dull just sitting in one's tree all the time.

(Pun Count: 5)

quote:

In fact, Forrest now remembered, the nymph, clad only in her slippers, had led Branch a chase right out of sight. Meanwhile her friend from an oak tree, named Kara Oke, had done some very nice singing to background music of wind through trees, so Forrest had had his own distraction.

(Pun Count: 6)

quote:

Naturally he had chased her, and naturally she had fled, but not too swiftly, because she was still singing her oak song. So he had caught her, and they had celebrated in the usual fashion, while she continued singing. That had been interesting, because she had sung of every detail of the experience they were sharing, making it a work of musical art. Then she had returned to her tree, satisfied that her song worked.

Mentia suggests that Forrest follow Branch's footprints to see what happened. She follows him as he does.

quote:

He set off in search of them. He had no trouble following their tracks, her slipper prints, which were hourglass shaped, in the manner of the nymph herself, and his clog prints, which were forceful and furred. They looped around other trees, as she made cute dodges and diversions. It was the chase that counted; fauns and nymphs loved lo run almost as much as they loved to dance. The better the chase, the better the celebration at the end. Forrest remembered a nymph once who had been in a bad mood, because her tree was suffering a fungus infestation, and had simply stood there. This was of course a complete turn-off, and no faun had touched her. Any nymph who wanted nothing to do with any particular faun had only to refuse to move, and he would leave her alone. Sometimes a nymph teased a faun, pretending disinterest, then leaping into pursuit the moment he turned his back. If she caught him, it was her advantage, and he had to do whatever she wanted. Of course that was exactly the same as what he wanted, but other fauns would taunt him unmercifully for getting caught.

Forrest finds the tracks lead near the Void and almost tricks Mentia into entering it by telling her not to.

quote:

The nymph was clearly teasing Branch, by passing flirtingly close to the fringe of the Void. Her prints almost touched the boundary, then moved away, then came close again. The menace of that dread region added to the thrill of the chase. Forrest had done it too, and knew exactly the steps to take to be sure of never straying across the line.

Then his sandals balked. He stopped, perplexed; what was the matter?

His sandals were magic, and protected his hoofs from harm, and if he were about to step somewhere harmful, they stopped him. Yet he saw nothing ahead to be concerned about.

"So what's with you?" Mentia asked. "Tired of walking?"

"I didn't stop," he explained. "My sandals did."

"Say, I'm getting to like you. You're almost as weird as I am."

Forrest is, of course, confused by this.

quote:

Still, his sandals had never yet been wrong. So he dropped to his furry knees and examined the ground before him. It was ordinary. There were a few smiling gladiolas, the happiest of flowers, and beyond them some horse radishes were flicking off flies with their tails. He thought of asking the nearest horse if it knew of anything harmful here, but he didn't understand plant language very well, and in any event all it would say would be "neigh." So finally he got up and made a detour around the place.

(Pun Count: 8)

quote:

But now he couldn't find the trail. Both sets of tracks were gone. So he turned back-and that was when he saw it. A splinter of reverse wood on the ground. He was sure of its identity, because the gladiola closest to it was drooping sadly. And right across it was a lady slipper print. The nymph had inadvertently stepped on the splinter. It hadn't hurt her directly, because it was lying flat. But it must have affected the fleet magic of her slipper, so that she had lost her sure footing.

Forrest realizes that the two must have slipped and tumbled into the Void. Oops. They're gone now in a freak accident. Forrest wonders how to save Branch's tree - he can't save the nymph's, not knowing where it is. He asks Mentia if she wants to become a dryad.

quote:

"Yes. It's a worthy occupation. It doesn't have to be a nymph. Any caring spirit will do, if the commitment is there. And the clogs would protect your feet."

"Commitment. Protected feet." She tried to look serious, but smoke started puffing out her ears, and finally she exploded into a hilarious fireball. "Ho ho ho!"

Then again, maybe the notion had been worse than nothing. Demons had no souls, because they were the degraded remnants of souls themselves. They cared for nothing and nobody. "Sorry I mentioned It."

"Oh, I'm not! That was my laugh for the day." The smoke coalesced into the extraordinarily feminine female woman distaff luscious shape of girlish persuasion with the slightly translucent dress. "A tree nymph! You are a barrel of laughs." She formed into a brown barrel with brightly colored pancake-shaped laughs overflowing its rim.

(Pun Count: 9) Forrest heads back to his tree.

quote:

She followed. "The oddest thing is that my better half well might have agreed, were she not otherwise occupied. She has half a soul. But also a half mortal child, so she's busy. I'm the half without the soul."

As if he couldn't have guessed. "You could share the soul of the tree."

"The soul of a shoe tree," she exclaimed, her laughter building up another head of steam. "A clog sole. Protecting my feet. Oh, hold me, somebody; I think I'm going to expire of mirth." Her body swelled until it burst and disappeared, leaving only a faint titter behind.

(Pun Count: 10) Mentia leaves, and Forrest promises the clog tree to find a spirit for it.

quote:

He had promised, and he would do his best. Some folk thought that fauns and nymphs were empty-headed creatures, incapable of feeling or commitment, but those folk were confusing types. The creatures of the Faun and Nymph Retreat had no memory beyond a day, so every new day was a new adventure. But that was the magic of the retreat; any who left there started to turn real, which meant they aged and had memories. Some preserved their youth by finding useful jobs. Jewel the Nymph had taken on the chore of spreading gems throughout Xanth, so that others would have the delightful challenge of finding them, and later she had married a mortal man and become a grandmother. Many others had adopted magical trees, just as Forrest had. It was a kind of symbiosis, which was a fancy word meaning that the two got along great together and helped each other survive. The trees kept the fauns or nymphs young, because trees lived a long time and their spirits shared that longevity. The fauns or nymphs protected their trees, bringing them water in times of drought and harassing woodsmen who wanted to chop the trees down. Nymphs had very effective ways to distract woodsmen, or to persuade them to spare their trees. Sometimes a nymph would even marry a woodsman, if that was what it took. But her first loyalty was always to her tree. Fauns had other ways, such as setting booby traps or informing large dragons where a nice man sized meal could be had near a certain tree. One way or another, they protected their timber, as well as enhancing the natural magic of the trees.

(Pun Count: 11)

quote:

"If only I had the faintest notion how," he said in anguish.

There was a swirl of smoke. It formed into a large pot labeled SEX. "I should have thought a faun already knew how," it said. "But I suppose I could show you, if-"

(Pun Count: 12)

quote:

He should have known that the demoness hadn't really gone. She was still hoping he might do something entertaining. "How to find a suitable spirit for the clog tree," he clarified. "Naturally you have no better notion than I do."

"Naturally not," the pot agreed, its label changing to KETTLE as it turned black. "I would never think of going to ask the Good Magician Humfrey. The last time I suggested that, I had to guide a stupid gargoyle there, and he wound up saving Xanth from whatever. Actually that adventure did have its points; it certainly was interesting."

(Pun Count: 13) Forrest, of course, decides to go see Humfrey. However, he can't leave his tree that long and doesn't know the way. Mentia decides to give him one of her friends as a guide.

quote:

But there might be a way to get some help on that. There was a cave nearby, where a nice cousin of Com-Pewter dwelt. She was ComPassion, and she loved everybody, because a love spring flowed in her cave. Her powers were limited, but she would do any favor she could manage for the local folk. Maybe she would be able to help the trees.

(Pun Count: 15)

quote:

Unfortunately, there was a complication about dealing with her, which was why he normally stayed clear. But at the moment he didn't seem to have much choice. He would just have to hope that it would work out all right.

He fetched his knapsack, which he always used when going far from his tree, and ran through field and dale until he came to Passion's cave.

Lovely purple flowers grew at its entrance, and the scent of the air was sweet.

Oh, no! He had in his haste forgotten something important. It was usual to bring a little gift to Passion when visiting her. It wasn't exactly to put her in a good mood, because she was always in a good mood. It wasn't just protocol, either. It was that a gift tended to make her feel that she should do something in return-and he really needed that return favor.

What could he find for a gift? Passion's main weakness was that she couldn't do anything physical. She couldn't walk out of her cave and see the sights or pick the flowers. So sometimes folk brought her stories of the things outside, to keep her informed. But he suspected he would need more than that.

Then he remembered something. The chips! Passion loved chips. What she did with them no one knew, but she truly valued them. He knew where some nice chips grew.

(Pun Count: 16)

quote:

He ran to the glade where the chips were. Sure enough, there was a nice new crop of them. Chips of every kind grew in profusion. Which ones would please her most? He pondered briefly, then went for a Potato Chip. The moment he harvested it, he felt the urge to speak, and his words were really salty. He also felt extremely thirsty. He quickly put it into his knapsack and sealed it shut.

(Pun Count: 17)

quote:

Across the glade was a brown region. He went there and harvested a Chocolate Chip. It smelled good enough to eat, but he didn't dare take time for that now. If he ate one, he might get a hunger for more, and be unable to stop. So he popped it quickly into his bag.

(Pun Count: 18)

quote:

One more should do it. He looked around, and saw an old block in the center of the glade. So he went and took a chip off that. It was very stubborn and didn't want to turn loose, but when he touched it he got stubborn too, and finally did pry the chip off the old block.

(Pun Count: 19) He enters Passion's cave and greets her.

quote:

The screen glowed brightly. WHY HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU, DEAR BOY! And the hearts grew larger.

Not well at all!

"Uh, here they are." He fumbled in his bag and pulled out the Chocolate Chip. "A sweet for the sweet." He found another chip and fumbled it out. "A salt for the salty." oops; that wasn't right. So he rushed on to the third: "And a chip off the old block for the stubborn." Worse yet!

Forrest explains his problem. Passion decides she likes him and will help, but first he must kiss her mouse.

quote:

"But you don't have a mouth, ComPassion."

(Pun count: 21) She recently traded a donkey for the mouse, which she turns into a nymph for the occasion. The mouse's name is Terian. Forrest kisses her, and she leaves.

quote:

MOUSE TERIAN COULD NOT STAY. I CAN ALTER REALITY ONLY SO MUCH. PERHAPS SOME DAY SOMEONE WILL GO OUT INTO THE FIELD AND HARVEST ME A CEREAL PORT SO THAT I CAN MAKE BETTER USE OF MY MOUSE. BUT SHE DID ENJOY YOUR KISS. AND SO DID I.

(Pun Count: 22) Her speech was Passion using her sound system. Passion gives him two disks - one for each tree, which will allow him to leave and have the trees only suffer a day of his absence, though the effect will last only a month. Forrest leaves, and a new demoness appears to lead Forrest to Humfrey's castle.

quote:

"Hmph. An exaggeration. But yes, I am Demoness Sire, and I did owe her half a favor. So I'll guide you there. But that's all. No round trip, that would require a whole favor. And I'm not going to make you deliriously happy enroute, so forget about that too."

(Pun Count: 23)

quote:

This could be more mischief. "Well, I was trying to suppress the thought of it, with imperfect success. I am a faun, you know. We're related to the satyrs. We have similar urges, but more self control."

She considered. "Suppose I looked like this?" She became somewhat more luscious.

"Please don't, because then I would be thinking of it all the time."

"Suppose I became like this?" The scant clothing on her form shrank, causing parts of her to bulge dangerously.

"Then I would be so overwhelmed I'd be constantly grabbing for you, just like a satyr, unable to help myself."

She nodded, satisfied, and sagged into a lesser form. He was learning how to handle demonesses.

Forrest explains the magic of nymphs to D. Sire.

quote:

"Not exactly. The magic of nymphs is to become phenomenally attractive to males when they run and bounce, so that any male who spies a running nymph is compelled to pursue her though he knows he can't catch her. The magic of fauns is to run fast enough to catch the nymphs, and to make them desire to celebrate when there is physical contact."

"Fascinating," she said, sounding bored. "Does it work on other females?"

"Why, I hadn't thought of that. I suppose if they removed their clothes and ran-"

"I mean the animal magnetism. Do real women get hot when a faun touches them?"

"Well, we don't chase real women. They know too much, and they aren't as well shaped. In addition, they often regard fauns as misshapen, and are repelled. So there's no way of knowing-"

"So they tend to avoid contact. But if it should happen, what then?"

She dropped to the ground and put her arms around him. Her upper section pressed into his chest in two firm places, and her lower section pressed his fur in one firmer place. "Is this sufficient contact?" Then her eyes grew large and dreamy. "Oh, it's true! Suddenly I want to get much closer to you." The three places increased their pressures.

Forrest struggled to disengage. "You're not a woman, you're a demoness. If I tried to celebrate with you, you would just dissolve into laughing gas."

"True," she agreed, dissolving into puffs of vapor that spelled out HA HA. "But nevertheless also true that your touch inspires a certain lust. So I shall make sure not to tease you from too close."

(Pun Count: 24) Forrest enchants the trees, and Sire tells him about the Gap, which is between them and Humfrey.

quote:

"Oh. Well, it's a huge cleft in the ground that is impossible to penetrate unless you know how." She pursed her lips as she spoke the words "cleft" and "penetrate," as if suggesting something naughty.

Forrest had no idea what nuance she was nuancing, so he ignored it.

"Will you tell me how?"

"Of course not. That's more of a favor than I owe Mentia."

He had thought as much. Still, limited guidance was better than none.

Maybe he would be able to ask along the way.

Pun Count: 24 by the end of Chapter 1.

# ? Jan 8, 2014 15:58

gegi: Aug 3, 2004; Butterfly Girl

Wait, we're in a new book now? Did the last one end? Did a plot start somewhere? Did something happen?

I... sorry, my brain sort of gave up in despair and lost the ability to parse those text chunks, I've just started skimming along looking for other people's reactions. I'M SORRY, I AM WEAK!

# ? Jan 8, 2014 17:25

Tezzor: Jul 29, 2013; Can't post for 3 years!

This is the last Xanth book I read, actually. Beyond the plots becoming increasingly incoherent this is the first book I've ever read where I literally had no idea where the characters were supposed to be, setting-wise.

# ? Jan 8, 2014 17:36

JackMann: Aug 11, 2010; Secure. Contain. Protect.; Fallen Rib

Tezzor posted:

This is the last Xanth book I read, actually. Beyond the plots becoming increasingly incoherent this is the first book I've ever read where I literally had no idea where the characters were supposed to be, setting-wise.

Same here. I got through this one, and just couldn't stand looking through any more. And there are sixteen more in the series.

# ? Jan 8, 2014 18:02

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

This is not the last Xanth book I read. :smith:

# ? Jan 8, 2014 19:11

JackMann: Aug 11, 2010; Secure. Contain. Protect.; Fallen Rib

Nihilarian posted:

This is not the last Xanth book I read.

It's okay, Nihilarian. You're among friends now. You're gonna be okay. We'll get through this together.

# ? Jan 8, 2014 20:07

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

Just what is the plot here? It's just... like... a loosely connected series of events and I have no idea of anyone's motivation here.

At least the previous protagonists had goals (sort of?) like finding a husband or saving a family member or whatever, but this guy is just so bland. "Ho-hum my best friend of many years is dead I guess I should look after his house?" He's got no emotional reaction to anything, apparently his only hobby is sex but he doesn't seem to care about that much either (or at least he's not interested in girls who don't run away from him while screaming), and his talent is wearing shoes. Yes this book is shaping up to be a real winner.

And then there was the ending to the last one holy poo poo was that ever stupid.

# ? Jan 8, 2014 23:26

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

There really isn't much of a plot here.

Chapter 2 opens with Forrest reaching the Gap. He thinks he can climb down, but D. Sire tells him about the Gap Dragon and the bridges - specifically, the invisible and one-way ones. She won't tell him about the way most people cross it. He explores and finds a dog tangled in some briars. He frees it. D. Sire gets bored and explains: this is Woofer, from the last book. (Pun Count: 25) Woofer is lost and needs help. Sire is annoyed but still won't help Forrest get this done any faster, because it'd be unethical to do more than she has to do for her half a favor. They decide to wait until Sean and Willow arrive. Soon, they do.

quote:

"And so you won't have to wonder, I really am Mundane," Sean Said. "I visited Xanth, and fell In love with Willow. We-well, we ran afoul of a love spring without realizing it at first. She's large for an elf and flies because she associates with a very large winged elm tree. I returned to Mundania with her, and she found it a really weird place. Then when we came back to Xanth, suddenly I could fly. We don't know what happened, but it's great. Now we're just enjoying it. We hope to marry soon."

Willow uses a whistle to summon help for Forrest, since he helped Woofer.

quote:

In barely a moment there was a crashing in the brush as something huge charged through it. "A dragon!" Forrest exclaimed. "You had better fly out over the gulf."

"A dragon rear end," she corrected him. "Friendly."

(Pun count: 26)

quote:

Indeed, now he saw that the dragon was striped and had the head of a donkey. It was forging through the brier patch, not even noticing the briers. And on it was a young woman half a shade lovelier than D. Sire in her seduction mode.

Chlorine (Pun Count: 27) introduces herself and Nimby (Pun Count: 28), and Willow explains what Forrest is doing. Chlorine decides to help him. She has Forrest ride with her down into the Gap.

quote:

"But I'm just trying to help a neighboring tree. That's not anything special."

"It's something generous and nice," she said. "The fact that you don't regard it as worthy of comment suggests that you are decent and modest. That's the type of person we like to help."

We learn that Chlorine and Nimby now live in the Nameless Castle together. Forrest doesn't believe a word of all this.

quote:

"That's good. I don't want to be believed. Can you believe that Nimby and I are married, and that we spent a month on the far side of the moon, reveling in honey?"

(Pun Count: 29) Of course, Chlorine knows who Nimby really is now but decides not to tell Forrest directly. Sire shows up to annoy them, but Chlorine makes her go away. Forrest worries about the Gap Dragon.

quote:

"His name is Stanley Steamer, and he eats only folk he doesn't know. I could introduce you."

(Pun Count: 27) Chlorine explains that Forrest just has to tell Stanley that Nimby sent him to be safe. They start heading up the other side.

quote:

"You must be hungry," she said after a bit. "Have a dough nut. They're very filling." She made a quarter turn, and put a big spongy nut to his mouth so he could take it without letting go of her.

(Pun Count: 28) Fracto shows up, but Nimby just makes him leave. They reach the top of the Gap, abd Chlorine says that Humfrey will have him back to his tree in time. Then she and Nimby wander off and vanish. Sire returns.

quote:

"I had a sudden urge to busy myself elsewhere. It didn't fade until you got free of Miss Poison. So I never got to see whether any bumps in the terrain caused your hands to bump up to her bumps."

Sire tells Forrest about Humfrey's challenges, then leaves after he thanks her. He heads to the castle, and she returns to watch.

quote:

Indeed, in the afternoon he reached the Good Magician's castle. This was an appealing edifice, for those who might like that type, with red brick walls, green tiled roofs, and a bright blue moat. In the moat was a peculiar monster. It had the top of a man, and the body of a winged serpent, and it was huge.

The monster threatens to eat him, and the bridge is too narrow to avoid it. Soon a man wanders up, claiming to be the castle psychologist.

quote:

The man nodded. "Has it occurred to you that you may be misdirecting your energies? You can't change the circumstance, but you can change yourself. Maybe you can solve your problem yourself, just by developing a better attitude."

[...]

Forrest's mood had not been great when he arrived at the castle, and it was deteriorating. "I think all I need is a way across that moat."

"Why do you feel that way?"

Forrest's ire was approaching the blow-off point. "If you're not going to help, I wish you'd go away so I can concentrate."

"I think we need to get at the root of your hostility. Did you have bad parenting as a child?"

"I never had parents!" Forrest snapped. "I'm a faun. We all get delivered to the Faun & Nymph Retreat, where we stay until we go."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I, no!"

The psychologist shook his head. "I'm afraid we have a difficult case here. This may require many fifty minute sessions. Why don't you make yourself comfortable, and we shall proceed."

A bulb flashed over Forrest's head. "You're part of the problem!" he said. "You're another Challenge!"

"By no means. I am a Solution. But you have to be amenable to It. Now I can help you, but you have to really want to change."

Forrest asks how the man helps people.

quote:

"I encourage them to talk about their feelings, in this manner explating them. In the colloquial sense, I am called a shrink: one who shrinks the head, making it intelligible and less burdensome."

A shrink! Suddenly Forrest saw a possible way. "You know, I have problems. But as you say, they are complicated and will take a long time to shrink. On the other hand,. I suspect that the problems of that moat monster are simpler, and can be shrunk in much less time. Why don't you help him first, so that there won't be a backlog'?"

"Why that is an appealing idea," the psychologist agreed. He turned to the mer-dragon. "say there-let's talk."

"What for?" the monster asked.

"I can see that you are troubled. I wish to alleviate your concerns and enable you to feel good about yourself."

"Of course I'm troubled," the monster said. "I'm a monster! Have you any idea how dull it gets being confined to a circular moat?"

"Yes, I can appreciate that. But you can't change the moat, you can only change yourself. Perhaps if you developed a better attitude about it, you would feel less troubled."

"I would?" The monster was interested.

Forrest sat back and watched while the two talked. And as they did, the monster gradually shrank in size. The shrink was doing his job.

(Pun Count: 29) Forrest crosses the moat. He finds metal tracks around the castle. Sire tells him a locomotive is coming.

quote:

"Locomotive?" This was a new word to him. "What is that?"

"A great huge enormous giant crazy machine that thunders along these tracks, squashing anything in its path."

(Pun count: 30)

quote:

"Oh-like a big dragon?"

"No. More like a train of thought."

(Pun Count: 31)

quote:

He looked at her. "You can be pretty irritating."

"It's the flip side of my nature. Those who are most capable of driving a man wild with longing, also are capable of annoying him beyond endurance. I suppose I could demonstrate." Her clothing began to fuzz.

The train comes, and Forrest has to jump for the bridge. Sire suggests boarding the train. Forrest does, and finds it full of unmoving people. He finds a free seat next to a sobbing woman. She mistakes him for a satyr briefly, then introduces herself as Dot Human, who can make spots on a wall. She can make as many as she likes, so she can make pixel art. (Pun Count: 32) She explains that anyone on the locomotive slowly goes crazy. (Pun Count: 33)

quote:

"That's what it does to you. Didn't you see all those other folk on this coach?"

"They look like dummies."

"That's because they have gone completely loco. There's no hope for them; they've crashed. But I'm not completely loco yet, so there's hope for me. That's why I'm crying." Her eyes began to brim again.

(Pun Count: 33) Also, they can't get off the train. It only stops for people to get on, not off. When it stops, it belts everyone in.

quote:

"So if someone else wants to get on, I'll be belted too?"

"Yes. It belts everyone, so no one will get hurt."

"But that's crazy!"

(Pun Count: 34) Forrest gets Dot to make the picture of a door on the wall outside. He has her open it, then open a similar door in the train. However, he finds illusion isn't the same as reality. Then he has Dot create the illusion of an operating manual, complete with instructions on stopping the train. For some reason this works. They stop the train and unbelt themselves.

quote:

"Let's get off this crazy train before it starts again," he said, standing.

(Pun Count: 35) Dot doesn't leave, though - her work's done. The third challenge is clear now: get inside. However, when Forrest tries to enter the door, he is assaulted by terror.

quote:

He stepped close to the entrance, stopping just short of the fear, and peered in. There was a small man, or maybe an elf, or maybe in between.

"What's this?" he asked.

"Isn't it obvious? I am LA, the lost angel. I am here to help you enter the castle. But first you must conquer your foolish fear."

(Pun count: 36) LA's talent is the power to change wood into other types of wood.

quote:

Something nagged at Forrest's mind, but he couldn't place it. So he talked some more, hoping to learn something useful. "You came to ask the Good Magician a Question, and he gave you his Answer, and now you are serving your years Service for him?"

"Exactly."

"If it is not too personal, what was your Question?"

"It's not personal at all. It wasn't a Question, it was a request. I asked that a significant village be named after me. He told me that one already was, but that it was in Mundania. I suppose that's better than nothing."

"And for this you are glad to serve for a year?"

"It does seem inadequate. But that's what I get for wanting something stupid. I am learning a whole lot during this Service, and will depart here a much wiser creature. If I had known how it would be, I would have dispensed with the Question, and simply come for the Service."

LA also tells him that Chlorine and Nimby tend to make good things happen around them.

quote:

Reverse perversity? Then, for no reason, Forrest got a notion. Reverse wood! Could that reverse the fright spell on the chamber? Of course he didn't have any reverse wood, but if LA cared to cooperate, he could get some.

Forrest tosses LA his shoe, getting him to make it reverse wood. However, once he's inside, LA can't change it back. When Forrest puts the shoe back on, he turns into a nymph. He puts on his spare sandals, but finds he still has a problem: now he's afraid to leave the chamber. Sire arrives, and Forrest throws the reverse wood at her.

quote:

The sandal splashed into the water of the moat beyond her. The water shuddered and turned to fire. There was a scream of outrage from the moat monster, who must have had to scramble to land. A little reverse wood in the wrong place could be a lot of mischief.

But Forrest's problem had been solved. The chamber was now normal, and so were his emotions. "Thanks for your help, demoness," he called out one doorway, then walked out the other, into the main castle.

Pun Count: 36 by the end of Chapter 2.

# ? Jan 10, 2014 14:42

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 3. Forrest is met by Wira, who takes him up to Humfrey. Humfrey tells him not to ask his question and just wait for Imbri, since Humfrey won't be answering it so Forrest doesn't have to pay. (Pun Count: 37) Forrest is confused.

quote:

Hello, Faun. Are you the one I am to guide?

Forrest looked around, startled. No one was there.

You can�t see me, the voice said. I am Mare Imbri, the day mare.

(Pun Count: 38)

quote:

I was once a night mare, but I lost my body and became a day mare. I am invisible. Would it help if you could see me?

(Pun Count: 39)

quote:

Forrest did as asked, bemused. In a moment a horse appeared in his mind, a black mare with white socks on her hind legs. Or perhaps if I assumed girl her voice said. The horse twisted and changed, becoming a pretty young human woman. "Is this better?" she asked.

"I can hear you!" he exclaimed. "That is, I could before, but now it seems more like speech."

"Yes, it is easier to imagine a human form speaking. It is your own mind doing it; I merely send the thoughts. This is a day dreamlet. You don't need to speak aloud, either; I can hear you if you just imagine yourself speaking. I can use speech balloons, if you prefer."

"Speech balloons?" he said aloud, then caught himself, and resolved to speak silently next time.

A cloud appeared above the young woman's head, with part of it pointing down at the woman image. IN THIS MANNER, the words in the balloon wrote.

"Regular speech will do," he said. Then caught himself again, and added without moving his lips: "But tell me, what is this about guiding me?"

The dreamlet girl frowned prettily. "I must perform a Service for the Good Magician. That Service is to guide you to Ptero, and safely through it."

(Pun Count: 40) Forrest tells her about his goal, and she tells him that Ptero is a weird place and that maybe the spirit he needs is there.

quote:

She laughed, and little HA HA's went out from her image. When the demoness had made such laughter, it had been derisive; Imbri's laughter was friendly. "There are more folk there than anyone can count."

Forrest found this confusing. "How can there be more? Any person who exists can be counted."

"That's the thing. Not all of them exist."

"Now I'm really confused! How can there be people who don't exist?"

"It's hard to explain. Ptero is where all the folk who ever lived in Xanth stay, and all the folk who ever will live in Xanth, and all the folk who ever might live in Xanth. So there are a lot of folk there. But what's really strange is the way they live. They-do you know anything about quantum mechanics?"

"Huh?"

"I guess not. It's a concept I picked up from the mind of a former Mundane scientist. His dreams were really weird! I think Ptero is a quantum world. That is, nothing is certain there; everything exists in all its possible states at once. It's only when the folk there visit regular Xanth that things start making some sort of sense, for a while."

[...]

"Since all the folk who ever might exist in Xanth are on Ptero, your faun could be there. Then you could bring him to the tree."

Forrest asks what Imbri asked Humfrey.

quote:

She smiled wistfully. "I was foaled as a night mare in 897, and became a day mare in 1067. I wasn't the best night mare; I was too tender hearted. It has been better as a day mare, because at least I bring pleasure to dreamers instead of horror, but I'm still not quite satisfied. Now I would like to gallop in some other pasture. The Good Magician will find me that pasture, after I have completed my Service."

Forrest was impressed. "You are as old as I am! You were foaled the very year I adopted a sandalwood seedling and became a responsible creature. You were a night mare for a hundred and seventy years, and a day mare for thirty years. So you are two hundred years old."

"Yes. I don't mean to complain, but it does get dull after a while. Maybe I'm just a misfit."

Forrest goes and gets the spell he needs to go to Ptero. Wira also gives him his sandal back, no longer reverse wood. She also gives him a note from Humfrey, which he can't read, and tells him to keep it until he needs it. Forrest and Imbri chat about how it always seems to be morning for him.

quote:

"Now I will review my memories of the day." He thought of his beginning of the trip to the Gap Chasm, guided by the Demoness Sire. Then of the ride through the Gap, on the back of the dragon rear end. Then of the walk to the Good Magician's castle.

"You are right," Imbri said. "It's always morning. The first morning may have been the work of ComPassion, because she likes you. She just wanted to give you more time, after you were nice enough to kiss her mouse, so she reset your day. Otherwise it would have been afternoon then. The second morning started when you got off the dragon rear end.

That's a strange creature; I have no entry into its mind, or Chlorine's which is funny, because she used to be an ordinary girl, rather plain and ill tempered, actually, with dreams as foolish as anyone's. Now, suddenly, she is phenomenally lovely and intelligent and nice, and lives in the Nameless Castle with that dragon, and her- mind is completely opaque. It's as if she's a different person."

"You mean Chlorine really does live in that castle? I thought she was just pretending."

"She really does live there. The castle sits on a cloud that floats across Xanth, so no one can see that it supports the castle. She lives like a princess, and that dragon assumes the form of a prince, and what they do at night, on those air mattresses that the floating castle has, is beyond any dream I could bring."

(Pun Count: 41)

quote:

She made an equine snort. "Like fauns and nymphs in much the way Castle Roogna is like a wood cutter's hut. I'm surprised that there hasn't been a flight of storks so big as to darken the sky. They are surely in love. I wish I had been watching when they changed; I'm femalishly curious about what happened. They must have stumbled on fantastic magic. The oddest thing is that they don't make anything much of it.

That is, they just trundle around Xanth as a damsel and dragon, doing favors for folk, asking nothing in return. It is very strange."

"Yes. I thought so too. But how could they have made my afternoon become morning?"

"That would require good illusion, or very good magic. Maybe they have a sprig of thyme. At any rate, it does seem to have happened: they gave you more day to do your business. And more day again, when you left the Good Magician's castle. Because the Good Magician would hardly bother to waste such magic so irrelevantly."

(Pun Count: 42)

quote:

By evening they were approaching Castle Roogna. Forrest paused to brush out his hair and make himself presentable. After all, this was the royal human castle, and it deserved some respect.

When he started walking toward it again, Imbri spoke. "This time I caught it! It's morning again."

Startled, Forrest looked around. She was right: the sun was at midmorning level. He also felt fresh and vigorous, as if he had had a good night's rest. "This is nice magic."

"This is very strong magic," Imbri said. "The rest of Xanth doesn't seem to be changing. Just us. We just seem to have more time, without losing what we have done. It is as if we weren't supposed to notice the favor."

"Well, if it's from the damsel and dragon, I will thank them when I see them again. But now I need to find Ptero."

They go meet with Ida (Pun Count: 43) and, on the way, run into the now-six Dawn and Even.

quote:

"Princess Dawn, who can tell anything about any living thing, so she knows about you, and Princess Eve, who can tell anything about any inanimate things, so she knows about me."

"But you're alive!" Forrest protested.

"No she isn't," Eve said. "She's a spirit. She has half a soul, but no body. She lost that in the Void in 1067."

"They really do know," Forrest said, amazed. "I've never seen such magic."

"That's because no Magicians or Sorceresses ever came to your sandalwood tree," Dawn said.

Electra shows up and sends them to Ida in the Tapestry room. (Pun Count: 44) Ida uses the tapestry to show Forrest's home.

quote:

It was a picture of his own neighborhood! There was his sadalwood tree, and the nearby clog tree across the glade. He even saw the little disk set in his tree. "This is as it is right now!" he said, amazed.

"Here is yesterday," she said. The Tapestry became blank. She looked surprised. "Now that's odd; it has never done that before."

"Maybe it's because of what Chlorine did with my time."

"Chlorine is involved in this?"

He explained about the lovely woman and the dragon rear end, and how it always seemed to be morning when he traveled. "I think she had something to do with it."

Ida nodded. "That would explain it. Nimby has strange powers. She must have asked him to rerun your mornings, so you could travel better. The Tapestry doesn't know how to account for that."

"Maybe if you try someone else's yesterday, like maybe my tree's, it would work better."

Ida listens to Forrest's story.

quote:

"So in each case, there was a physical Challenge," she said, which you surmounted by using the talent of a person who happened to be there."

"Yes, actually. The psychologist, the dot girl, and the wood changing man. I found a way to get them each to help me."

"I think this is the kind of ability that would be required on Ptero," the princess said. "Surely this was the Good Magician's conclusion."

"But he didn't-"

"He always has good reason for his actions, though they are seldom immediately apparent to others. I believe he is trying to help you, in his fashion. He did put you in touch with Mare Imbri, after all."

Ida shows them Ptero, which is, you'll recall, her moon.

quote:

"It looks pretty solid to me."

"It is, in its fashion. You see, I am a Sorceress, and my talent is the Idea. Ptero is a condensation of all the ideas of Xanth, as they were too numerous and complicated to fit inside my head. So it would appear that the faun you seek is no more than an idea, not yet formulated in Xanth."

"But how can I find a faun who doesn't exist?"

"He does exist. Just not in tangible form. You will have to locate him, and cause him to exist."

She had said this was strange. He was beginning to appreciate how serious she was. "You mean that the idea of him is-is there in that ball?"

"Yes. The idea of everything is there. It seems you will have to go there to find the idea you need."

They will use magic to send Forrest's soul to Ptero. This is, of course, dangerous, but he decides to go on anyway. Imbri will guide him.

quote:

He sat on the bed, then removed his knapsack and lay on it. It was very comfortable, but he was unable to relax. This was the weirdest kind of journey he had never before imagined. Still, he had to do it. He reached into the knapsack, which he now had beside him on the bed, and brought out the Good Magician's bottle. He nerved himself, took hold of the stopper, and pulled. It came loose with a pop, and he held the bottle to his nose and sniffed.

Suddenly he felt quite alien. He was half caught in a cloying, clinging swamp, truly bogged down. He fought to haul himself free of it. He needed expansion room.

"Be easy," a voice said. "You don't want to tear off any."

He looked, but his eyes didn't focus. In fact, he didn't seem to have any eyes. He tried to speak, but he didn't seem to have a mouth either.

"Just float," the voice said. "Let your soul coalesce."

His soul? He followed the advice, and found that he didn't have to struggle; he just floated out of the swamp, and as the rest of him came free, it drew in together so that he was a single cloud.

"Now form an eye, so you can see better."

He focused, and the eyeball formed. It focused, and he was able to see a large whitish wall.

"You are looking at the ceiling. Look down."

He rotated his eye, and saw his body lying on the bed, asleep. He tried to exclaim in surprise, but couldn't. So he formed a mouth. "Oh!" For he realized that that was the bog he had just hauled himself out of.

"Now make yourself small."

He willed himself small. That improved his focus. He saw a horse standing beside him. Her hoofs were planted firmly in mid-air. "Mare Imbri!"

"Yes. Follow me to Ptero." She walked away.

He tried to walk, but had no legs, so he just floated in her wake. She was going toward a huge statue. In a moment he realized that it wasn 't a statue, but was Princess Ida. They were gong toward her head.

"Keep getting smaller," Imbri said. "We have a long way to go."

He realized that he wasn't actually hearing her, for he hadn't formed an ear; he was simply aware of her thoughts. He saw that she was getting smaller herself, so he did the same.

Ida's head seemed to grow enormous. Then he saw a small object, like a white ball. It was coming toward them, or they were going toward it.

It, too, grew, or seemed to, becoming more like a boulder. Then it was like an island. In fact, it was looming like a moon, which was perhaps unsurprising. Finally it seemed more like a whole world, filling his entire view. It was no longer pure white; he saw that the white was in patches, which seemed to be clouds. Their designs were much more interesting from above than clouds usually seemed from below, because they weren't flat, they were mountainous.

Now they were falling toward the planet, and it became ever larger. The spaces between the clouds expanded, and he could see green land and blue sea below. He realized that he and Imbri were still getting smaller, because Ptero was still looking larger. It was amazing how big it seemed, as they plunged toward its varied surface.

"Time to slow," Imbri cautioned him. "We don't want to land too hard."

"But we're just souls, aren't we? We have no solidity."

"That's not true. There is a small amount of substance in a soul, and on a world as small as Ptero, that becomes significant. We will be assuming solid form there."

They drift down as soul-parachutes and land in water.

quote:

He descended way down below the surface of the water. He held his breath and spread his hands, trying to swim toward the surface. Then he heard Imbri: "Be a fish!"

Oh. He formed into a fish, and then he had no problem. She formed into a sea horse beside him. "Swim to land. I must tell Ida that we are safely here."

(Pun Count: 45) As the water gets shallow, Forrest returns to normal.

quote:

Something plunged down to splash in the water behind him. Then the figure of a horse appeared. "I have told her," Mare Imbri said. "Now we are safely on Ptero, and can go about your mission."

"Great," he said. "And exactly how do we do that?"

"I have no idea."

Forrest gazed at the beach ahead of them. This was indeed going to be a challenge.

Pun Count: 45 by the end of Chapter 3.

# ? Jan 10, 2014 16:57

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 4. Forrest and Imbri wade to shore. They discuss how Imbri has to talk in dreamlets but Forrest can speak physically despite both being souls right now. Imbri becomes a small human girl so she can be solid, since she only has half a soul.

quote:

"Certainly, if you prefer." She shrank, becoming a small human woman or girl, in a close black dress. "Will this do?" she asked, using her mouth. "I have only about half your mass, so I can't be any larger without diffusing."

"That's fine. You look great." He meant that her form was satisfactory in the solid sense, but actually it was more than satisfactory. She looked just like a rather pretty girl, or a nymph, with lustrous black hair. Except for the slightly equine set of her nose, which was understandable. She was, after all, a type of horse.

Imbri is bad at walking, though, and falls, hurting her face.

quote:

He dug into his knapsack and pulled out a mirror. He gave it to her, and she held it up so she could see her face. "I did! Oh, that's embarrassing." She brushed her fingers across the scratch, wiping it out, so that her face was smooth again. That surprised him, but he realized that since she had shaped the body to begin with, she could readily re-shape it to eliminate an imperfection. Like most females, she was sensitive about her appearance, even in a form that was unnatural for her.

Forrest lends her his spare sandals, which will keep her up by magic.

quote:

So she sat down and lifted her knees so she could reach her feet. In the process she showed a very nymphly pair of legs almost up to the panty line, in much the way the Demoness Sire would have done on purpose. He wondered if he should mention that, because it was clear that Imbri was not accustomed to the ways of a physical human body. Then she got the sandals on, discovering that they did indeed fit her human feet-and the position of her legs shifted so that much less showed. He realized that the sandals were now protecting her feet from harming the rest of her legs by undue exposure. Because the legs connected to the feet, and missteps were not merely of the ground. So he didn't have to say anything.

They decide to find someone to ask for directions. The air appears, for some reason, to be green ahead of them and blue to the right of them, yellow behind and red to their left. Also, Imbri remembers that people avoid each other unless requested, to avoid crowding. They request someone's company, and a winged unicorn flies over. They introduce themselves, and this turns out to be Kero Unicorn, who asks what service they have in trade.

quote:

"I suppose I can explain that much without violating protocol. In this region we trade services. So if you want to know something I can tell you, you must trade me a service for my service in abating your ignorance. What service do you offer?"

Forrest offers to do a jig for the unicorn, who agrees.

quote:

"What do the colors of the air mean?"

"They indicate direction, since we have no sun or moon or stars to mark it. Blue is north, because it is cold; red is south, because it is hot; green is To; and yellow is From."

Forrest jigs and Kero leaves. Imbri requests someone to trade with, and a centaur woman shows up.

quote:

"I am Chemare. It all started when my sire, who was horribly prejudiced against zombies, was scheduled to have a bad dream in which he and a really rotten female zombie drank from a love spring. But somehow the night mare who was carrying the dream got confused, or maybe she had a secret thing for the centaur, who was rather handsome for his kind, and she fell into the dream herself and drank from the spring instead. The elixir overwhelmed them both, and they promptly indulged in an encounter of love that heated the spring so much it almost evaporated. Then the mare departed and the dream dissipated, leaving the centaur considerably more satisfied than the authentic dream would have left him. In due course the mare bore a foal with half a soul, black as night but with the form of a centaur. That was me. But because I derive from an illicit dream, I came not to Xanth proper, but to Ptero, where I bring bad dreams to those residents who deserve them. It's not the best existence, but 't will do."

(Pun Count: 46) Imbri sympathizes, but they have nothing to trade each other, so Chemare leaves, rendering this entirely pointless. The next one arrives soon.

quote:

There was the sound of running hoofs. A centaur came galloping from the green direction, followed by two centaur foals. She had a white mane and white body, but blue eyes. Forrest tried not to stare at her rippling bare chest, knowing that centaurs paid no attention to certain effects, but he was impressed.

She came to a stop before Imbri. "Hello, mare in human form. I am Ilura Centaur, and these are my foals. We apologize for our tardiness."

"Tardiness?"

"We were some distance when we heard your call, and the foals couldn't move at adult speed."

Imbri offers a pleasant daydream in return for information that might help them find the spirit they want. Ilura tells them to seek Cathryn Centaur, who knows about fauns. Imbri gives the daydream, and Forrest examines the kids.

quote:

He looked at the two foals. One was a dark furred male, the other a light furred female. The male was stoic, while the female was impatiently stamping her feet. "Hello, foals. I'm Forrest Faun. You must be dissimilar twins."

The female looked quickly at him. "I'm in a hurry," she replied.

The male looked slowly at him. "I'm in no hurry," he said.

"Well, I'm sure your dam will be finished here soon."

The female reacted rapidly. She used a forefoot to scratch letters in the sand. THE HURRY TWINS: IMINA AND IMINO.

(Pun Count: 48)

quote:

"We're might-be's, " Imina replied rapidly. "It would take a freakish set of circumstances to make us real. For one thing, our dam isn't real either."

"Only our sire, Hurry Centaur, is real," Imino said tardily.

Forrest was starting to catch on. "Your sire lives in Xanth proper, and the rest of you don't."

"That's it exactly," Imina agreed swiftly. "We can only come to exist if our dam gets real, and encounters our sire, and performs a certain ritual that makes human folk uncomfortable to contemplate. All that seems extremely unlikely."

The centaurs head off, and Imbri notes that all the things they've met so far have been part horse.

quote:

"It could be. But I think there must be sections of Ptero for different types of creatures, and this happens to be the equine section. That would explain why we landed here: I'm equine, so was drawn here. So there would be no fauns close by. Cathryn Centaur must know where they are."

They ask for Cathryn Centaur, who turns out to be winged. Cathryn is surprised to be summeoned, as she has nothing she needs, so cannot trade.

quote:

Cathryn nodded agreement. "All we might-he's long to achieve Xanth proper. But so few of us ever do. Now I suppose if you offer me some way to go there, then we can indeed deal. But as it is impossible to travel there physically, I suspect that your mission is of some other nature."

"Yes. We need to locate a suitable faun to become the spirit of a vacant tree."

"Ah. That's why you summoned me: because I know the best route to the faunhold."

She says she can start them on the route, so she's sorry they can't trade. The full route is beyond her range, though. Forrest is confused by this, and asks Cathryn if she has anything she wants.

quote:

Cathryn glanced at him. "I doubt it. I am really quite satisfied, apart from my natural longing to become real. This is a pleasant enough realm, and far better than utter nonexistence. I would gladly show you around it, If-"

"If we could do you some service in exchange," he finished.

"Exactly. But as it is, I see no cause for further association. So if you will excuse me, I shall take off." She spread her wings.

Imbri suggests they check the Good Magician's list.

quote:

Now he thought he could almost read the first two words of the Good Magician's illegible scribble. "Dear Horn," he said, squinting. "Does that make any sense?"

(Pun Count: 49)

quote:

Forrest put the paper away. "What is the dear horn?"

"It is a special horn that when blown will locate a person's True Love. I have no True Love; I did not realize until you spoke that I missed him."

"Then we must find this horn for you," Imbri said.

"That may be no easy thing. I have no idea where it may be. I understand it tends to get left wherever last used, forgotten. So though you have indeed discovered a service you might render me, I fear it is an impossible service."

They agree to help find the horn, which is sufficient service to trade. Forrest gets Imbri to try and tune in on dreams of the horn. They head off, vaguely northeast. Cathryn explains that this is indeed horse country. She says there's probably multiple regions of each creature, due to how time works.

quote:

She laughed. "No. We are in the process of exchanging our services now. It is to my interest to facilitate your search for the dear horn, and you can surely do that better if you understand our system. I had forgotten for the moment that you are from Outside. Have you noticed something about me?"

He glanced at her. "Only that you somehow seem younger than I took you for. I was probably distracted by your-there are aspects of you that resemble a generously endowed nymph, and-"

She laughed again, making those aspects shake. "I think I might even guess which aspects you mean. But you are not imagining it. I am growing younger. I was foaled only twenty years before we met, so even a small distance to the east makes me noticeably younger."

"How can that be? Is there youth elixir in the airs"

"No. It's the direction. When we travel into the From, we become younger. If the dear horn is very far in this direction, not only will we be in ogre territory, I will be too young to take you there. I would regret that, because then we could not complete our agreement "But how can that be? East is a direction, not a time."

"Perhaps that is true where you come from. Here east is From, or what you might call the Past. It's all the same to us, of course, but I suppose it might seem odd to outsiders."

"Are you saying that if we go one direction, we get younger, and if we go the other direction, we get older?"

"That is exactly what I am saying. So I am able to go twenty years east, from where we meet, and seventy years west. For reasons of vanity I prefer to remain mostly in the early maturity section. Neither extreme youth nor extreme age appeal to me particularly."

He was amazed. "Does this apply to us too?"

"I should certainly think so. Do you feel yourself getting younger.

"No. But I wouldn't notice five or ten years, and neither would Imbri. We're both two hundred years old."

"You are that age where?"

He was nonplussed. "Why, here, of course."

"But you must be five or six years younger than you were. See, I am becoming a teen, and younger."

He looked at her again. Indeed, now her breasts were smaller, her flanks were less solid, and she had acne on her face. Her mane, which had been loose, was now bound into a pony tail.

(Pun Count: 50) Forrest thinks he might be able to head up to four centuries To, since he lives as long as his tree does.

quote:

"That does seem to make sense. Every person's territory is limited by her life span. That is not usually a problem, but I confess that at times I do wonder at what must be beyond my territory." She was now smaller, with no chest development, and her mane was in pigtails. "I hope it isn't much farther."

Imbri thinks they're getting close, and they stop as two adult centaurs come up and warn them they're nearing the boundary of horseland.

quote:

"Yes, thank you, Alpha," Cathryn said. "These folk are from Xanth, on a mission to locate the dear horn, which it seems is in the adjacent territory." Then she turned to the others. "This is Alpha Centauri, guardian of the boundary. His name got mangled by a passing galaxy, but he is nevertheless one of us."

(Pun Count: 51) The other centaur is Vision, who wants to trade with them - he wants to send a message to Xanth.

quote:

"In return I offer my service in helping to protect you from an incipient attack."

"Attack?" Cathryn asked, concerned.

"I'll make that deal," Imbri said. "What is the message?"

"It is for Jenny Elf and Chief Gwendolyn Goblin. It is that if they will seek out a special type of tick, the gene-tic, they can use it to cause their myopic gene to recede, that is, to become recessive. That will render their sight normal, so they will no longer need to use spectacles."

(Pun Count: 52)

quote:

"But this is great news for them!" Imbri said. "They will not be able to perform a return service for it."

"Creatures of Xanth proper are not necessarily bound by our conventions. I merely wish them to have the information."

For...reasons? Cathryn mentions that her talent is blankets, and Vision says the dragons are staging a border raid.

quote:

"Yes," Alpha said tersely. "They have a taste for equine flesh. Of course we just dissolve and reform when eaten, but it's an exceedingly uncomfortable process." He unslung his bow and nocked an arrow. "I will hold them off. Flee-and stay out of the air."

"How can we outrun flying dragons?" Forrest asked Cathryn.

"It's a matter of moving out of their time range," she explained, looking worried. "If they are young dragons, we can move From and force them to become too young to fly well. If they are mature dragons, we flee To, hoping they will become too old to fly well."

"Unfortunately it is a mixed squadron," Alpha said, squinting into the sky as dark shapes appeared. "Some will follow effectively, regardless."

"I will make a security blanket," Cathryn decided.

"You are too young to make a really effective one," Alpha warned her.

"You are looking at the ceiling. Look down."

"I know. But it must do." She gestured, and something spread out from her hands and floated above them. It slowly settled, covering all of them except Alpha. Forrest realized that her talent was not precisely what he had understood.

(Pun Count: 53) Imbri wants to head on, to keep on the trail.

quote:

"I recommend against this," Alpha said grimly. "Attila the Pun passed by here recently, and left a disgusting trail. It is simply not safe. I suggest that you fly over this section, or run around it, after the dragons depart. Especially since you are quite young, here, Cathryn, and your friends look inexperienced."

(Pun Count: 54) Imbri's already going, though, and the others follow.

quote:

There was a rustle ahead, and something thumped past them. It looked like a man, except that it had only one arm-and one leg. Then it turned its head toward them, and Forrest saw that it had only half a head, with one eye and half a mouth. "Et ut f y ay!" it screamed in half syllables.

Cathryn raised her staff. "No, you get out of our way, half brother," she retorted. Her threat must have been effective, because the thing ran away. Forrest saw as it retreated that it was half-reared, too. Now they passed a sign saying MALL. It was an open section winding through the tangled puns, with shops along the sides. The central strip was clear and firm, so they ran along it rather than across it, making better time.

(Pun count: 57)

quote:

Then Imbri started pulling at her clothing. Forrest's feet felt confined. He just had to get them out of the sandals.

"Oh, no," Cathryn exclaimed, ripping off her backpack. "A strip mall!"

Forrest realized that that made sense, in a pun strip. He took off his sandals and backpack and felt free. Meanwhile Imbri had stripped to complete nudity, and now looked exactly like a nymph. It wasn't so bad; they held their things and ran on along the strip.

Another truncated figure ran by, going the opposite direction. This one was female: a half sister. But while the half brother had been sliced vertically, so that he had to jump rather than run, this one was halved across the middle. She had two nice legs, and was topless. Forrest wondered how the other half of her got along.

(Pun Count: 58)

quote:

But his brief distraction caused him to misstep. Suddenly his foot was in a fish-shaped blob of jelly. It slid out from under, causing him to fall on his rear. He saw that Imbri had taken a similar fall. They were no longer wearing their magic sandals, so their feet could take bad steps. "We'd better get off the strip and get dressed again," he called. "We need to run safely."

I have no idea what this is, but... (Pun Count: 59)

quote:

Imbri agreed. They scrambled off the strip and donned their things. He was surprised to note that she put her upper clothing on before her sandals. But of course she wasn't really a nymph, however she might look; she was a mare. When she was in girl form, she evidently adopted the conventions of girls, and didn't like to show her whole body. Yet it was a beautiful body. Human beings had funny attitudes.

But again his distraction caused mischief. Suddenly he was struck a blow on the foot. He looked, and discovered that he had tried to put on a sock instead of his sandal. The sock had punched him. Or rather, socked him. He tossed it away and found his sandal instead.

(Pun Count: 60)

quote:

"We must keep moving," Cathryn said behind him. "We're off the mall strip, but not out of the comic strip. These abysmal puns will ruin us if we don't get clear of them soon."

(Pun Count: 61)

quote:

They passed a big turtle. "Hey, watch where you're going!" the creature snapped. It was of course a snapping turtle.

(Pun Count: 62)

quote:

They passed a big tree with a bee sitting on its lowest branch. Suddenly Forrest felt his eyes watering.

"A bay-bee," Cathryn cried. "It makes you cry." Again, he had already discovered that.

(Pun count: 63)

quote:

Now he was stumbling despite his sandals, because the ground was getting marshy from the tears of those who had gone before. He lurched past a large plant and almost tripped over one of its square roots. "A polynomial plant," Cathryn said. "Attila really did his worst this time."

(Pun Count: 65)

quote:

Then several creatures charged toward them. Their bodies looked human, but their heads were closed fists. On some the thumbs were on the right, and on others on the left. All of them looked vile.

"Knuckleheads!" Cathryn said. "They're not the smartest creatures, but they're mean. Run!"

(Pun count: 66)

quote:

They ran toward what looked like a hanging curtain made up of thin slices of wood. "Avoid those!" Cathryn cried. They tried to duck down under it, but as they did, they slid into deeper swamp and got bogged down.

"I can't see!" Forrest cried.

"Those were Venetian blinds," Cathryn said. "They made us-

(Pun count: 67)

quote:

"I think I saw some see weed. If we can find that-"

(Pun Count: 68)

quote:

"Who are you?" Forrest asked, hoping it wasn't a knucklehead. "I am the anonymous turtle you passed without notice. I can direct you to the see weeds, though I haven't seen them in days."

"Then how can you do it?" Forrest demanded.

"I have turtle recall."

(Pun Count: 69)

quote:

"I'll do it," Imbri said. "I will give you a dream of sweet turtle doves."

(Pun Count: 70)

quote:

But more B's were flying by. One stung Cathryn. "Well, you took long enough to get to it," she said crossly. "In fact you didn't do it at all! You just stood there stupidly while your friend fetched the see weed."

"Well, yes, I suppose-"

"Not that you ever were much of a creature," she continued. "I don't know why I'm even bothering to help you in your stupid quest. You-" Then a second B stung her. "Oh, you wonderful friend!" she exclaimed, suddenly hugging him. He would have liked it better if she had been at her mature stage. "You're just so great to have around. I don't know how I ever survived without you."

Then something stung Forrest on the leg. He looked down and saw it was a tic marked TAC. He pulled it off, but it was already having its effect. He was realizing how to manage things better. Those B's were from a Have; their stings made folk B-have differently. One must have been a B-little, and the other a B-friend.

(Pun Count: 74)

quote:

A third B was already stinging Cathryn. She pushed Forrest away.

"B-gone!" she exclaimed.

(Pun Count: 75)

quote:

"Tell it to the B's," he told her. "Loudly."

Comprehension crossed her face from upper right to lower left. She turned to face the remaining milling B's. "Begone!"

The B's buzzed rapidly away, heeding the voice of authority.

Cathryn turned back to him. "Oh, thank you. I really didn't mean those things I said; it was just that-"

"You got stung," he said. "Fortunately I got bitten by a tactic, so I figured out what to do."

Imbri returned. "The turtle is satisfied," she reported. "Now we must move on; the glow is flickering again." She plunged on ahead.

They followed-and suddenly they were out of the comic strip, and the dreadful puns were gone. Ahead of them was a tree twisted into the form of a pretzel. "We are in ogre territory," Cathryn said nervously.

Shapes loomed in the sky. "And the dragons are still hunting us," Forrest added, just as nervously.

Pun Count: 75 by the end of Chapter 4.

# ? Jan 13, 2014 14:35

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 5.

quote:

Cathryn Centaur glanced at the sky. "I'll throw a blanket of fog," she said, raising her hands.

(Pun Count: 76)

quote:

"You can make another kind of blanket?" Forrest asked, surprised. "Not just security?"

"Yes. My talent is blankets, not just one kind. But I'm only about eight years old now, and it won't be very big." From her hands poured patches of mist, which spread out and sank around them. Unfortunately it sank too low, so that their heads poked out, and the dragons spied them. "This is the best I can do," Cathryn said. "We'll have to duck down in order to hide in it."

An ogre wanders by, not noticing them, and threatens the dragons. He scares them off, then wanders away. They get close to the horn as Cathryn gets even younger, and Imbri leads them to an ogre who knows where the horn is.

quote:

"You mean folk can die here?" Forrest asked, alarmed.

"Not exactly. We can die, but it is limited."

"How can death be limited?"

"Limited to the region where the death occurs. That means that though a person reconstitutes, he can never return to that spot, or ever come close to it. The limit is about six months on a side, From and To, and equivalent distances north and south."

Both Forrest and Imbri were perplexed. "But why can't a person just go there anyway?" Imbri asked.

"He just can't. It no longer exists for him. He can see the limit, but can't cross it."

[...]

"Suppose I get killed by the ogre, so I can't go back there, but then the ogre comes out here'? Beyond the six month range? Could I have at him again?"

"Yes. When two folk fight, and one kills the other, he has to be careful when he leaves that area, because the other may be lurking for him, to kill him back. Sometimes two enemies leave a whole series of holes in each other's existences, making things difficult. So as a general rule, folk try not to kill or be killed, because it's such a nuisance."

Forrest thinks they can handle this, though. Ogres may be strong, ugly and stupid, but he's heard they're not bad if you get to know them. He thinks that it might be good to challenge an ogre's pride with an ugly contest. They point out that they'd lose.

quote:

But Imbri was catching on. "Would he crunch folk he had just bested, and who admitted it? Who maybe even praised his superior ugliness?"

Of course, if this fails, they'll die. He decides to go in alone.

quote:

"Consider it this way: if I get crunched, you will still be here to try it, if you wish to, perhaps with more success. If it works for me, then I can ask the ogre to let the two of you in. So you don't need to take the risk either way, unless you decide to."

"I hate to say it," Cathryn said. "But he's making sense."

"Fauns are more sensible than I thought," Imbri agreed.

"And have more courage than I thought."

"Well, we don't just chase nymphs, you know," Forrest said, embarrassed.

(Yes they do.) Forrest heads in towards the ogre castle.

quote:

The big front door was well over twice his own height, made of ironwood.

(Pun Count: 77)

quote:

He looked around and saw a big bell. On it was printed the word WEATHER. Beside it was a solid metal bar. So he picked up the bar, hefted it high, and swung it at the bell-weather.

(Pun count: 78)

quote:

There was a loud gong, followed by a crack of thunder. A storm cloud formed over the bell, shooting out bolts of lightning. The lightning struck the bell, adding to the sound. Then a bucket of rain dropped from the cloud and doused the bell. The sound faded, and the cloud evaporated.

There was a rumbling behind the door. Then it jerked violently inward, so that the suction of the air blew Forrest inside. He stumbled and caught his footing, helped by his magic sandals.

There stood the ogre: twice the height of a man, hairy, and disproportionately muscular. "Who you?" the thing demanded.

"I- I'm Forrest Faun. I come to have an ugly contest."

The ogre's name is Orgy. (Pun Count: 79) They go find a pool to look at reflections in. Forrest admits that Orgy is uglier.

quote:

"I'm impressed," Forrest said. "I was never able to make water do that. You are uglier than I am, by far. You must be a legend among your kind." He was sincere; the ogre had truly impressed him.

"No, I am merely an average ogre," Orgy said sadly. "But thank you for the compliment."

Forrest stared. "You're not rhyming!"

"I never did rhyme. No ogre does. It is merely your perception that changed."

"But you still look like an ogre to me."

"But now you see me as an individual, instead of a monster. You have achieved respect. So you are able to hear me as I am."

"I never realized! Do you mean that all ogres are cultured, instead of being stupid?"

"That depends entirely on your perception."

"I was afraid you were going to crunch me."

"I was, until you showed that you had discovered respect. We ogres crunch only the ignorant."

"This is an education," Forrest said. "I'll never view ogres the same again."

"Excellent. You should have no further fear of us. But why did you come here?"

"I need your help. I'm looking for the dear horn."

So...yeah. I guess all the past has just been wrong? Orgy says that Forrest can bring his friends in, but if they don't have respect, he will have to eat them. Orgy then returns to smashing walls as Forrest heads out and explains to the other two.

quote:

"You have to leave your prejudice behind, and have proper respect."

"For an ogre?" Cathryn asked incredulously.

Forrest realized that there was a problem. "He's really a very cultured creature. You just have to see him as such."

The two mares exchanged a Significant Glance. "I suppose even a stink horn has its culture," Imbri remarked to no one in particular.

(Pun Count: 79)

quote:

They were locked into their prejudice. He had to get rid of it, or it would not be safe for them to enter the ogre's den. "Remember how you viewed me, at first? As just another faun looking for a nymph to chase?"

They nodded.

"Do you still view me that way?"

"No," Cathryn said. "You have a lot more character than I originally supposed."

"So can you appreciate that originally you were operating on prejudice?"

"Nonsense! Centaurs aren't prejudiced." Then she reconsidered. "But I'm very young now, so maybe you do have a point."

"So can you appreciate that the ogre may have qualities to be respected, if you viewed him without prejudice?"

They agree to try and respect Orgy, at least for his brutishness.

quote:

They walked back to the castle. They came to a stop before the great door. "Now remember: he's an individual. You will know this by his speech: it doesn't rhyme."

"All ogres speak in stupid rhyming couplets," Cathryn said.

"No. They are merely heard that way by ignorant outsiders. If you hear him rhyming, don't speak, because he'll know you don't respect him."

They head in, and Forrest introduces them. Imbri does well, but Cathryn won't speak.

quote:

But Cathryn kept her mouth shut. Forrest knew that was trouble. Orgy stared down at the centaur. "Please repeat what I just said to you," he requested.

Cathryn took a step back with each hoof, looking twice as nervous as before.

"But all he said was-" Forrest began, but stopped when a severe glance from the ogre cut him off. He realized that this was a test the centaur had to pass on her own.

"You said 'Who cares, she mares?" she said. Then, after half a pause, she reconsidered. "Wait, that isn't quite it. You said-you said you were glad to make our acquaintance, and you called us fair mares."

Forrest breathed a silent sigh of relief. "Then welcome into my castle," Orgy said grandly, and led the way down the hall.

Orgy invites them to eat.

quote:

Orgy dived into his stew with gusto, slurping and splashing. But then Forrest reminded himself- about attitude, and looked again, more carefully-and saw that the ogre was using a big spoon in the conventional human manner, and neither slurping nor splashing. His prejudice had tried to reassert itself.

They tried their own portions. Forrest found the substance in his stew to be almost nut-like, and quite good. The mares seemed to be enjoying theirs too.

"If I may inquire," Cathryn said, "what kind of stew is this?"

"Horse dropping stew," Orgy said.

She blinked. The stew was brown and lumpy. Then she smiled, surmounting her prejudice. "Horse chestnuts," she said.

"Yes. The chests and nuts drop from the horse trees, and we collect the chests and the nut droppings too."

(Pun Count: 81) They ask Orgy about his castle.

quote:

"Even the most stupid thing becomes interesting, when there is a need," Forrest said.

He had uttered a magic word. "Stupid," Orgy said. "I am as stupid as any ogre. Very well, I will tell you about me and this castle. Two years ago I was "just another ogre, happily bashing rocks, tying trees in knots, and teaching young dragons the meaning of fear. I mean, it's what ogres do. Then I happened across an odd looking horn that someone had left lying around. Dimly curious, I picked it up and sniffed it, but it had no particular smell, but it didn't taste particularly edible. In short, it didn't seem to be very useful. 'I scorn this horn,' I said, or words to that effect; after all, there might be someone listening. Then I put it to my mouth and blew."

He paused. "Are you sure you want to hear more? This is so stupid that even I am being bored."

"I don't want to be a spoilsport," Forrest said, "but I find it fascinating. Please do go on."

"Oh," Orgy said. "Well, it gets duller. When I blew the horn, it made a noise like none other I had heard. It was, if you can imagine this, the sound of utter longing. When I heard that, I wanted something so badly that I could think of nothing else. I didn't even know what it was, just that I had to have it. So I blew the horn again, and this time I heard an echo from afar, and my longing focused on that distant response. So I trudged toward it, and when I began to lose my way, I blew it again, and got another echo. Gradually I realized that I was the only one who heard either the horn or the echo; other creatures I passed paid no attention, apart from getting hastily out of my way. They did not realize that I was on a mission; they thought I had come to maraud as usual.

"I continued in this manner for some time, until at last I hove into view of this castle. The echo came from it. It seemed to be unoccupied, so I entered. Naturally I bashed down a wall or two, and found it very bashable, so I continued. It was a real thrill, once again destroying something solid. Eventually, pleasantly exercised, I dropped to the floor and snored valiantly for a few hours. When I woke, there was a table loaded with victuals. So I got up and gobbled them down, then resumed my bashing of the walls.

"So it continued for several days, before I realized that the walls did not stay bashed. They restored themselves overnight, or even sooner.

This pleased me intensely, for it meant that I could bash them down again. And indeed, so it has been ever since. Bash, eat, sleep, bash, in a perpetual routine. I love it; it is an ogre's heaven. Since I had no more use for the horn, I threw it out a window. After a time several months-I realized that this was the purpose of the horn: to lead me to my heart's delight. A perpetually bashable castle. So this is surely the dear horn you seek, and I know exactly where I threw it-memory being inversely proportional to intelligence-and will be glad to tell you, if you can find any equivalent service to trade for the information. But I doubt that you can, as I am completely happy as I am."

Cathryn explains why she wants the horn.

quote:

"Yes. A companion to be with, to love and cherish and breed with-" She paused. "Oh, that's it for you!"

Orgy was taken aback. "I don't think I would be a good companion for you."

She laughed. "Surely not. I favor intelligence and wings. I mean that maybe you could use a companion of your own kind. An ogress."

"I'm not sure. She might be uglier than I am. Then the castle might like her better than me."

"Maybe a merely moderately ugly ogress?" Imbri inquired.

"Who would want a merely moderately ugly ogress?"

Forrest saw that this wasn't getting anywhere. But it did suggest a line of investigation. "What about one who is distinctly inferior to you in strength, ugliness, and stupidity, but who really appreciates your ogrish qualities?"

Orgy pondered, and the fleas began jumping. "There is something appealing there."

It fell into place. They had sought to applaud the ogre, letting him win an ugly contest. That had worked, in a manner. An ogress could surely do it much better. "Someone to admire your achievement in continuously bashing down the walls. Where's the fun of a job well done, if nobody notices?"

They agree to find him an ogress, but must do it without the horn. Orgy suggests they start by asking Ogle Ogre for help. (Pun Count: 82)

quote:

Orgy put his last remaining fleas to flight. "He especially likes to look at esthetic females. Maybe if you stood on a mountain and looked esthetic, he would spy you and come to ogle you."

They head out.

quote:

"I hope we are able to compliment Ogle Ogre before he crunches us," Cathryn muttered.

"If he comes to ogle you, he shouldn't crunch you," Forrest pointed out.

"And that's another thing," Imbri said. "Do you suppose all females exist just to be ogled?"

"Why no, of course not," Forrest said, taken aback. "A number of them exist to be chased and celebrated."

For some obscure impenetrable reason she turned a dark glare on him. "He is a faun," Cathryn reminded her, for some similarly unfathomable motive.

Since they had nothing important on their minds, Forrest shared a concern of his: "If I am the size I am because of the solidified mass of my soul, and Imbri is the size she is because of the mass of her half soul, how is it that creatures like Cathryn and Orgy have so much more mass? Are their souls so much larger?"

"Now that's an intelligent question," Cathryn said. "Just when we thought you had used up your supply of intelligence. No, souls don't vary in size like that. In fact, we of Ptero really don't have souls. They come only when we assume reality. We have inferior substitute filler material that assumes the semblance but not the essence of souls. Thus we are limited to our life spans, and have no existence beyond them. It is one reason each of us hopes to come into genuine existence. So we amass as much material as we require to fill out our standard forms, and that's it."

And of course souled people can add filler to gain mass, but have no reason to, according to Cathryn. All the people of Ptero seek souls, of course.

quote:

"I said that all of us hope for genuine existence, and gain souls only when we assume reality. Some of us do achieve it, and the rest of us envy them despite the inconvenience it brings them."

"Inconvenience?"

"There is a year-wide swath missing from their lives, corresponding to the period they are in Xanth. It is similar to the excluded regions of death, but broader. Because a creature can't be both here and in Xanth at the same time."

They reach the mountaintop.

quote:

"Now we shall have to give him something to ogle," Cathryn said distastefully. "I understand males like to look at forbidden female anatomy. But centaurs, being more sensible, have no forbidden anatomy. So it may be up to you, Imbri."

"But I'm a mare," Imbri protested. "I assumed this form only because it's all that my half soul can substantiate, and because it facilitates physical verbal speech. I wear a dress only because otherwise I would be confused for a nymph."

"But nymphs are mindless creatures," Cathryn said. "While you clearly have a mind."

"Not unless I speak."

The centaur nodded. "Point made. From afar, Ogle would take you for a nymph, unless you are clothed. So he would ignore you, because ogling just doesn't work unless the subject is embarrassed. So you wouldn't be of interest, clothed or unclothed."

"Maybe if Cathryn put on clothing," Forrest suggested. "Since centaurs don't normally wear anything, that might make her interesting."

"I doubt it," Cathryn said. "Even straight human beings, who have the worst hang-ups about exposure, don't worry much about children, and I am now seven years old."

He had to admit that was true. A clothed juvenile centaur would not be worth ogling, because even an ogre would know she had nothing to conceal. But he refused to give up on the quest. "We'll just have to establish that Imbri is an adult human female, and then have her remove her clothing."

"But that would be improper," Imbri protested. "A human woman wouldn't."

"Precisely," Cathryn said. "That makes it ogleable."

So they have Imbri do a striptease. Ogle shows up after two pages of it. They reveal that they know the truth about ogres, and Ogle wants to leave when he learns there won't be more shown. Imbri agrees to dance while they negotiate. Ogle tells them about Old Ogress, who is enthusiastic but not very ogrish. (Or, for some reason, old?) Now they must pay him, but he doesn't want anything. However, since Ogle is real, they point out he can't see anything in his living year. They offer to tell him what's there. They head to his region to go observe. While they do, Cathryn will distract him.

quote:

Cathryn stepped in. "I will tell you a foal's story I know. �The Ogre and the Three Bares.� At my present age, it's the only one I know, but I think it's a good one."

(Pun Count: 83) Cathryn starts to tell the story as the other two head in. They find an insubstantial image of Ogle watching panties. They head back and tell Ogle.

quote:

"Bashing a mountain into a molehill," Imbri continued.

"Until he could look in a window and see a panty," Forrest concluded.

(Pun count: 84) Ogle then leads them to Old.

quote:

They followed, with Cathryn rapidly aging, and with each step her expression became firmer. She was achieving adult female human perspective on the report, unfortunately, even though centaurs normally didn't care about human hang-ups. Forrest knew there would be no point in discussing the matter. The ogre was right: women just didn't understand some things. Maybe that was to prevent them from getting freaked out by their own apparel.[/quote[

Old is trying to use mud packs to become ugly.

[quote]Forrest leaned over the rail of her sty. "How would you like to live in a castle with all the food you want, and an ogre who heeds your every word and doesn't care how you look?"

"Me think me-oh, phooey on the rhymes! I'd love it. What deeply disgusting thing do I have to do to get it?"

"Just make sure your every word is praise for the ogre's accomplishment in knocking down the walls so well."

"But that comes naturally! Normally I have to stifle it, lest I be unogressly nice."

They bring Old to Orgy.

quote:

They set off for the castle. "Out of curiosity," Imbri said, "why is it that Ogle stares at attractive human women, and their clothing, but wants an uglier ogress?"

"I have wondered that myself," 0ld said. "I think there is something wrong with his vision, so that he thinks human women are somehow uglier than ogresses. It's a sad case."

Orgy and Old hit it off, and he steers them to the horn.

quote:

Forrest picked it up and gave it to Cathryn. "Now you can show us where the faun territory is," he said.

She considered. "No, I think not. This is merely the means to the end, the exchange will not be satisfied until the end is achieved."

Forrest sighed inwardly. She was right. They would have to complete that aspect before moving on. Still, this was progress.

Pun Count: 84 by the end of Chapter 5.

# ? Jan 13, 2014 16:07

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

I forgot about the striptease.

# ? Jan 13, 2014 16:15

Tezzor: Jul 29, 2013; Can't post for 3 years!

Nihilarian posted:

I forgot about the striptease.

That was the moment I tapped out of the author for good.

# ? Jan 13, 2014 16:45

Rand Brittain: Mar 25, 2013; "Go on until you're stopped."

Why tap out now when there's a much better reason in the alarmingly near future?

# ? Jan 13, 2014 16:54

Runcible Cat: May 28, 2007; Ignoring this post

Mors Rattus posted:

quote:
"These abysmal puns will ruin us if we don't get clear of them soon."

Too late. Far, far too late.

# ? Jan 13, 2014 18:03

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 6. They head back towards Cathryn's adult area and must pass through the comic strip.

quote:

There was a wall. On it were the words PUNNSYLVANIA PUNITENTIARY: ABANDON SANITY, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.

(Pun Count: 86)

quote:

They almost crashed into a billbored. It seemed to have been fashioned from unpaid bills that had gotten bored with their inaction, so had clumped together to form a sign saying BORING. "Don't touch that!"

(Pun Count: 88)

quote:

Cathryn warned. "You will have to pay any bill you get."

But she was too late. Forrest had already touched a corner, and a bill had stuck to his hand. It formed into a face. "Pay me!" it cried.

"Why should I? I don't even know you."

"Because otherwise I'll turn you over to a collection agency." And it indicated a horrendous hooded ogre shape labeled YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE. It held a huge bone in its paws, which it snapped in half.

Imbri burst out laughing. "It's not funny," Forrest said. "I'm about to get my bones broken."

"I'm not laughing at you," she chortled. "I'm stuck in this article."

He looked. She was indeed caught in a bush whose twigs resembled little R's. They were tickling her unmercifully. It was an R-tickle plant.

(Pun count: 89)

quote:

"I followed that head line." She gestured back, where there was a line of heads on the ground.

(Pun Count: 90)

quote:

He took a step toward her, but stumbled into a plant that looked like a tangle of spaghetti. "Use your noodle!" it exclaimed angrily.

(Pun Count: 91) Forrest deposits the bill in the bush, distracting everything involved with it.

quote:

They lurched away from the bushes. Cathryn was trying to work her way past a counter made of packed beans. "I can't get by this bean counter," she complained.

(Pun Count: 92)

quote:

A head formed from the counter. "Of course you can't," it said. "Nothing gets by me."

But Forrest saw something else. It looked like a huge man, bigger than an ogre, but it was standing quite still. His feet seemed to become roots, and his hands sprouted coin sized mints. "What is that?"

The centaur glanced at it. "A Man-Age-Mint, I think," she said.

(Pun Count: 93)

quote:

Then she brightened. She plucked a mint from the tree and stuffed it into the mouth of the bean counter's head. "Take that," she said with satisfaction.

The bean counter began to fade. His beans became shriveled. A vile odor of indigestion issued from him. "Help, I'm genuinely aging!" he cried.

(Pun Count: 94)

quote:

"That's because you ate the mint," Cathryn informed him. "Now you will age rapidly into stinking extinction, unless you do whatever the Man-Age-Mint plant demands."

"What does it demand?" the bean counter asked.

"Count its mints," she said.

"But I'm a bean counter. I don't count mints."

(Pun Count: 95) They get out.

quote:

They went to the section where they had first met the centaur. It was interesting to see her age as she walked, progressing from foal to gangly juvenile to early filly and finally to fully flushed young female. Her mass changed, but didn't seem to affect her directly; she evidently didn't have to eat to add weight, any more than she had had to eliminate to lose it. He knew that he and Imbri were aging the same amount in years, but it didn't make as much difference to them.

Cathryn blows the dear horn and they set off east. Cathryn starts to grow young again, and they realize that her true love must lie beyond the limit of her range. They just have to keep going straight and bring him back to her. Imbri and Forrest head that way, finding fog and a glowing woman.

quote:

"Yes. This is a section of limbo. We are the characters who aren't even might-he's. I'm Astrid."

"But what kind of existence do you have, then?"

"A very feeble kind," the woman said sadly. "We all long to achieve regular might-be status, but we can't until someone takes an interest in us and recognizes our talents."

Imbri exchanged half a look with Forrest. Characters who weren't even might-he's?

"If we talk to you and identify your talent, will you become a might-be?" Forrest asked.

"Yes! Please do that. I would do anything to become might-be real. Do you need a girlfriend? I'm rather metallic, but I can be very soft when I want to be, in the manner of my mother's side of the family."

"I don't need a girlfriend. I'm a faun. I just chase nymphs. No relationships last longer than a day, and most are merely minutes. But I'll be glad to help you. How do I recognize your talent?"

"You just talk with me and ask me questions until you are able to figure it out. I can't tell you, because I don't know it, but I can tell you anything else about me."

"How can you know about yourself, if you aren't yet real, or even theoretical?"

"Well, I haven't done anything, of course, because limbo is the place of nothing doing. But every person has an origin, so I have a family history. I can't tell you that on my own, but will do so if you ask."

Astrid is the daughter of Esk Ogre and Bria Brassie, apparently. Forrest realizes that from her glow, her talent must be shining. She becomes a might-be and runs off once Imbri tells her she doesn't have to gently caress Forrest. They head on.

quote:

Before long they came to a small forest of normal pines. It would have been better to avoid them, but then they would have lost their direction, so they went straight. Tears ran down their cheeks as they brushed by the trunks of the sad trees. Then they entered a glade and there was a juvenile centaur.

(Pun Count: 96)

quote:

"Young," Imbri whispered. "Maybe eight years old. So he can go forward and overlap Cathryn's range. Eight years isn't too much of an age difference."

They approach.

quote:

That did seem to be the case. So they approached the centaur. He was standing within a circle of fourteen crosses set upright on the ground.

He looked out at them. "Hey, want to play crosses?" he asked.

"Actually, we have come on a more serious matter," Forrest said. "We would prefer to talk."

"Well, I want to play crosses."

Forrest saw that this was in the nature of an exchange of services.

"Suppose we talk while we play crosses?"

"Well, okay, I guess." He sounded just like a human boy of that age, which was surprising, because centaurs were generally far more intelligent and adult than humans. How could this be the ideal love for Cathryn, who was a true centaur in attitude?

The centaur's name is Contrary. He explains that you play crosses by standing in the circle one at a time and throwing crosses at each other. Forrest gets to be the target first. Contrary throws a cross at his face, which crosses his eyes. (Pun Count: 97) Forrest then gets to throw, aiming with one eye closed and hitting the back of Contrary's head.

quote:

"What you do that for?" he demanded crossly.

It had worked: now Contrary was really cross. "I want to know something about you," Forrest said, as he came in to exchange places. "Do you ever go west?"

(Pun Count: 97) He does not, because he likes being a kid.

quote:

"'Cause I don't want to grow up!" Contrary snapped. Then he hurled a cross at Forrest's legs. It struck one knee, and suddenly he was crossing his knees, though he was standing. It was awkward, but in a moment he found he was still able to move about, if he did so carefully.

(Pun Count: 98)

quote:

He wobbled his way to the outside, while Contrary stomped crossly inside. He was catching on to the game, but he still didn't have all the information he wanted. "Why don't you want to grow up?" he asked.

"'Cause there's a stupid filly out there I don't want to meet. Now throw your stupid cross."

That sounded like Cathryn. Forrest threw his cross at the centaur's arms. It struck and disappeared, and Contrary uttered an illegible syllable and crossed his arms. With luck, he wouldn't be able to throw well.

(Pun Count: 99) As for why...

quote:

"'Cause I played a game of crosses for stakes with someone from the far west, and he had seen my future, and he told me that this stupid filly would completely change my attitude on everything, and get me to liking mushy stuff, and make me a responsible adult. Yuck! So I'm staying right here, sensibly young. What's it to you?" And he kicked his cross with a foreleg, sending it hurtling into Forrest's torso.

Forrest twisted around so that his head faced the opposite way from his hoofs. His body was crossed. This made it even more awkward to stand.

But he was still able to walk, moving his knee-crossed legs backward. He was coming to the conclusion that he didn't really like this game.

At least now he knew the problem. The juvenile centaur didn't want to grow up. So he was able, in the unique environment of Ptero, to avoid adulthood. Because time was geography, and the creatures had freedom of geography. As an adult, in love with a responsible centaur filly, he would become a responsible citizen. Children of any species lacked the experience to appreciate the qualities and satisfactions of maturity. So how could he persuade the errant juvenile to approach his later life?

Meanwhile he was reaching the outside, and Contrary was inside. Where should he throw his next cross? Would the centaur quit playing if struck on the ear? Would that prevent him from hearing? Forrest wasn't sure, but decided to try it. He just wanted to finish this game, so he could recover his faculties and consult with Imbri. Maybe she would have a notion how to get Contrary into his adult territory.

He oriented carefully, and threw his next cross at the centaur's ear. He scored. But nothing seemed to happen. "How are you doing?" he asked.

Contrary looked the opposite way. "Where are you?"

So that was the effect: the centaur was cross-eared, and heard things crossed, so that sounds seemed to come from the opposite direction.

(Pun count: 100)

quote:

Contrary hurled his cross. It struck Forrest on the chest, right over the heart. The feeling was strange, but not bad; it wasn't making his heart malfunction. So what was the point?

"I crossed your heart," the centaur said with satisfaction. "Now you have to tell the truth."

(Pun Count: 101)

quote:

"Not this way. Tell me your most embarrassing experience."

"I don't have to do that!"

"Yes you do. Now talk."

And he found that he did have to do it; his crossed heart compelled him.

The thing he hated most to confess. This game had abruptly gotten worse.

"I was in my tree when a flock of harpies passed," he said. "They were noxious creatures with the heads and breasts of women and the bodies of birds, and foul of aspect and language. They liked to soil the leaves and branches of my tree with their droppings, and snatch away sandals, for which they had no use; they just dropped them in the nearest bog. So I did my best to drive them off, throwing sticks and stones at them. I didn't try to curse them, because no one has a mouth as fowl as a harpy.

They love to indulge in swearing contests, and can make an ogre blush with a bad series of expletives. They were just out for mischief, and I just wanted to be rid of them.

"Then I heard a maidenly scream. The dirty birds had gotten hold of a nymph, and were dragging her away. I leaped from my tree and ran to her rescue, beating off the clustered harpies. They cursed me so villainously that the nearby foliage wilted and my poor ears turned bright red. But I rescued her, and the harpies flew away, screeching imprecations. "You'll be sorry!" the last one cried as she flapped skyward.

Meanwhile the nymph was excruciatingly grateful. �My hero!' she cried, throwing her fair arms about me and kissing me ardently. Naturally I returned the favors, and proceeded to that celebration for which fauns and nymphs are justly known. She was unusually eager to complete the celebration, and I assumed it was because of her joy at her deliverance from the horrors of capture by the harpies. So it was an even more delightful experience than usual. She kissed me repeatedly, seeming unable to get enough, even after the culmination. But at last she relaxed, and I made ready to return to my tree.

"But then I saw that the harpies had returned and utterly befouled it.

Their stinking manure drenched every branch, and the leaves were wilting, and the sandals were rotting. My brief distraction had allowed them free access, and they had taken full advantage of it. I looked back at the nymph, and saw that she was changing form. She was not a true nymph; she had been changed by a spell of illusion, and now was revealing her real nature. She was a harpy herself, one of the filthy flock. 'Hee, heee, heeee!" she screeched as she spread her dirty wings, which had only seemed like arms, and flapped away.

"I was sick. Not only had I failed to protect my tree from befowlment, I had celebrated with a noxious harpy hen. They had tricked me doubly, and made me as squalid as my tree. Of course I went to work cleaning the tree with buckets of water I hauled from a nearby spring; the job took days, and it was weeks before the smell faded. But I couldn't similarly clean myself. And thereafter that harpy hen would flap by and chortle at me, reminding me of my folly. It took me half a century to live down that humiliation, and I hoped no one would ever again hear of it."

(Pun Count: 102)

quote:

Forrest stopped talking. He had done what he had to do, telling his deepest shame. Because of the compulsion of the cross, which would not be denied.

"It wasn't your fault," Imbri said. "They tricked you."

"I'll tell everyone!" Contrary exclaimed. "What a great story!"

There was definitely something about this juvenile centaur that Forrest didn't like. So this time he threw his cross at Contrary's mouth.

It worked. The centaur brat got so tongue twisted that he couldn't speak at all intelligibly. "I think I'm ready to quit this game," Forrest said, getting a reasonably smart notion. "Don't you agree, Contrary?"

"Fftbbabble#ughh."

"That's what I thought. Then we are agreed: this game is done."

At that point his body untwisted, and the missing crosses returned to their places in the circle.

"That's not what I said!" Contrary protested.

"Oh? It sounded like it to me. I suppose we'll have to play another game, then."

"You bet! And this time I'll play to win."

"But not crosses," Forrest said. "I have a better game in mind."

"There is no better game than crosses!"

"Yes there is. Let's have a contest to see who can free more folk in limbo."

Forrest proposes that if he wins, Contrary must head to age 30. And if Contrary wins, Forrest will play crosses with him for a month. They will gain points by freeing people, and whoever has a two point lead wins. They can lose points by guessing wrong. They harvest a five-minute hourglass to serve as a timer.

quote:

"I hope you know what you're doing," Imbri murmured as they went to harvest a minute glass. "If you get stuck for a month, you'll be too late returning to your tree."

(Pun Count: 103)

quote:

They reached the hourglasses, which were actually the fruits of a large thyme plant. They were in all sizes, from two seconds to several days.

(Pun Count: 104) Contrary decides to go first, and Forrest picks a target for him: a man named Crescendo, the son of Dolph and Electra.

quote:

That startled Forrest, because he knew only of the twins, Dawn & Eve.

But he realized that a given set of parents could have additional children-and in any event, the folk here were merely might-he's, who might never actually be delivered to Xanth parents. There could be hundreds of such children; there might be no limit.

Crescendo knows he's a Magician, but not what kind.

quote:

Forrest, watching, began to get a notion. That name, Crescendo, sounded like growing force, or something musical. When he played his panpipes, he sometimes crescendoed. Could this person's talent be associated with music?

"Your name sounds like a word," Contrary remarked. "To what does it apply?"

"As a word? I wouldn't know."

"Why wouldn't you know?"

"I don't know."

"Is it because it relates to your talent?"

"I can't say."

"If it doesn't relate to your talent, you ought to know. So it must relate to powerful music."

"Why, I suppose so," the figure said, surprised. Forrest saw that Crescendo had not been able to think of that himself, but could see it now that it had been suggested by an outside party.

Contrary finds the Crescendo can play Forrest's panpipes just by holding them. Also, an irrelevant piece of paper flutters away. Contrary then gets a rock.

quote:

Crescendo took the stone, and it immediately played rock music. Contrary gave him a cup of water, and it made water music. He gave him a handful of air, and it made air music. Crescendo's talent was coming clear.

(Pun Count: 107)

quote:

"You have the talent of touching anything and making it make music," Contrary said. "That's must be close to Magician level, considering the beauty and power of the music."

Crescendo runs off. Contary picks the next for Forrest: Revy, son of Grey and Ivy. Forrest realizes his name must have something to do with his talent. He decides it must involve reversing somehow. He realizes that Revy can reverse magic. Forrest then picks the next: Demos, sone of D. Vore and Nada Naga and brother to DeMonica. (Pun Count: 109) Contrary, largely by luck, gets his talent: he can enchant items. Contrary picks out a merboy next, but the dragons are coming back. Imbri offers to distract them with a dream.

quote:

"Maybe if you gave them something else to chase, like a wild goose. Dragons like to eat geese."

(Pun Count: 110)

quote:

"Because they don't like getting goosed," she agreed. "So they try to eat the geese first. It's a personal thing. I'll see what I can do."

(Pun Count: 111) Forrest talks to the merboy, who turns out to be Nigel, sone of Naldo Naga and Mela Merwoman. We get a brief recap of Mela's story. Forrest works out that his talent affects people, and workso ut via 20 Questions that Nigel can youthen others. Contrary claims that Forrest cheated, since the minute glass they are using has an extra minute now due to their moving west a bit. Contrary decides it's okay since it probably helped him, too. Forrest picks a woman next, Scintilla, daughter of Crony and Vendetta. Her talent is unrelated to her name. Contrary fails to guess it, but so does Forrest. They move on, and Contrary picks an old man.

quote:

"I am Hugh Mongus, son of Scab and Svelte."

(Pun Count: 112) Forrest can't guess his talent, but nor can Contrary. Forrest picks a gnome woman next.

quote:

"I am Miss Gnomer, of respectable but anonymous gnome stock."

(Pun Count: 113)

quote:

"Miss No More?"

"No."

"Miss Gnome?"

"No."

(Pun Count: 115) Contrary can't guess her talent. Forrest tries.

quote:

Forrest tackled the subject as Imbri turned over the glass. Since he had no idea how to proceed, he tackled a minor irritation. "Exactly what is your name?"

"Miss Gnomer."

"Miss Nomare?"

(Pun Count: 116) Forrest asks her to spell it, but she can't.

quote:

"Miss Gnoma," he said, but realized that he had gotten it wrong again.

(Pun Count: 117) He realizes that her talent is that no one can get her name right. She runs off, and Forrest realizes he's won. They head west, but the dragons return. Contrary, now twelve, offers to hold them off with his bow. Forrest realizes he's lost Humfrey's note. Contrary shoots down the lead dragon, distracting them for a bit until Forrest gets out his pipes and plays reveille, making them fall into formation and fly off on instinct. They soon return, but the group has by now reached Cathryn. Contrary, now 13, dislikes her.

quote:

She stared at him. "You mean you're the one? My supposed ideal mate? A wingless, landbound creature? What a laugh!"

They flee north to a forest, and Cathryn uses her magic.

quote:

Then a dreamlet voice came in his head. Cathryn threw a blanket of silence, Imbri explained. Now the dragons can't hear us. They can't track us by sound.

(Pun Count: 118) Some harpies show up.

quote:

Cathryn made a motion as of throwing something toward the harpies. It was another blanket, but it was hard to see. It spread out and surrounded them with a fine sparkling net. At that point their cursing was silenced, but it hadn't ceased. They were all screeching worse than ever; it just wasn't getting out.

"I threw a blankety blanket," Cathryn explained. "Now their cussing is reflecting back on themselves and smirching their own feathers."

(Pun Count: 119)

quote:

Indeed, provocative symbols were appearing, of lightning strikes, corkscrews, exploding cherry bombs, asterisks, and stars. They were striking the harpies, who were screeching worse than ever as they felt themselves tagged by their own expletives. This only intensified the problem. Scorch marks were appearing on their tail feathers.

Contrary is impressed. The dragons attack, but the harpies start to fight them. They get out of the forest, and Contrary is now in his mid-20s. They make it to his age 30, and Contrary prepares to flee. Cathryn tries to get him to look at her, but he won't. She threatens to kiss him, and he agrees to look at her and have her throw one blanket at him.

quote:

Forrest realized that the stallion had not gotten a good look at her Since the forest, and retained a mental picture of her as six or seven.

That was an understandable but foolish error.

Contrary faced Cathryn and opened his eyes. His jaw dropped slightly.

Forrest looked at the filly, to see what the stallion saw. She was now a lovely full-breasted, long-maned, white-winged centaur filly with a deep brown hide and flowing tail. She was panting slightly with her recent exertion. If she had been a nymph, she would have been stunningly attractive. She was surely similar for a centaur� Then she threw a blanket. Again, Forrest didn't see it directly, but the scintillation of the air indicated that there was something flying toward the stallion. It reached his head.

Contrary blinked. His eyes lost focus. "What's this?" he asked, confused.

"A blanket stare," Cathryn said.

(Pun Count: 120)

quote:

"A blank stare? I don't understand."

"That is its effect. Why are you fleeing me?"

He looked at her again. "I'm drawing a blank on that. Is there some reason?"

"There may be. Why don't you blow this horn?" She stepped forward, offering it to him.

He blows the horn and realizes he's in love with her. He also reveals that he is, in fact, winged. I'm not sure how he hid it before but he did.

quote:

"Who said I can't fly?" And suddenly from his body two massive black wings unfolded. What they had taken for his body color was actually the hue of the flattened wings. "I never had use for them before, for they would only have taken me where I didn't want to go, but now I want to fly with you, you fantastic creature, forsaking my prior childishness."

Now Cathryn leads them west, to the faun region.

quote:

Forrest hastily dismounted, and so did Imbri. They were in rolling country, and ahead, oh dread, was a comic strip.

"The faun territory is farther away than I thought," Cathryn said with regret. "But I can tell you who can take you farther: the human princess twins, Dawn & Eve. Continue straight To until you come to Castle Roogna, and seek them out."

"But we are already in Castle Roogna," Imbri said. "Ptero is a moon circling Princess Ida's head."

"Perhaps in that larger frame. But it is here, too, and this is the one you need. We have set you due From it, so you can't miss it if you stay on course. And if you return this way, send a signal and we will come to pick you up again."

Cathryn gives them a blanket that a passing Magician canned for her.

quote:

"True. But this canned spell is special, thanks to the preservative properties of the can. You may invoke it at any time simply by saying �Invoke' while holding it before you. It is a blanket of obscurity."

(Pun Count: 121)

quote:

"It makes you unlikely to be noticed," the centaur explained. "It wears off after an hour, but you can invoke it again thereafter. It takes the same time to recharge: an hour. So don't try to invoke two blankets at once. I realize that this isn't much, but I have nothing better to give you. Please accept it with my thanks for your assistance to me."

And so Imbri and Forrest set off.

Pun Count: 121 by the end of Chapter 6.

# ? Jan 14, 2014 16:09

Dienes: Nov 4, 2009; dee
doot doot dee
doot doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot; College Slice

That wing reveal is the laziest thing I have ever read.

# ? Jan 14, 2014 18:42

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 7. The pair make their way towards Roogna. Two birds stop them.

quote:

"We are a pair o' keets," the birds answered. "Peet and Deet. Welcome to Canary Island."

(Pun Count: 123)

quote:

They came to a tree. It was huge and globular, with feathery leaves, and it was right in their way. The trouble was, it was also astride the only feasible path leading due west. To the south was a section of what looked a lot like slow sand, which would take forever to cross, and to the north was a similar patch of what looked like quicksand, which had risks of its own. "I wish we could just go right through this tree," Forrest said.

"Maybe we can climb over it," Imbri said.

Then the tree opened a huge round eye. That was followed by a second eye, and a beak just below it, that they had taken for a broken off limb. "Hooo!" it hooted.

"It's an owl!" Forrest exclaimed. "A huge owl!"

"An owl tree," Imbri agreed.

(Pun Count: 126)

quote:

Several white birds flew overhead. Their bodies were in the shape of the letter C. "C-gulls," Imbri said, identifying them.

(Pun Count: 127)

quote:

A ball of blackness approached. Forrest paused, not sure whether it was dangerous, but then he saw it was in the shape of a bird of prey. "Oh, it's just a night hawk," he said. He stepped aside to let it pass, then stepped back onto the path when the light returned.

(Pun count: 128)

quote:

But another bird flew up. "What a weird set of characters," it said, eyeing them. "You are absolutely laughable. Haw haw haw!"

"And a mockingbird," Imbri said. "One of the more obnoxious avians, but harmless."

(Pun Count: 129)

quote:

"You are polluting it with your foul presence!" the bird raved.

"Get off our land! Go away! Go away!" The bird continued to shout at them, going on and on.

"Now I recognize it," Imbri said. "It's a rave-on."

(Pun Count: 130)

quote:

Then a harpy appeared, dripping wet. She smelled terrible. "You're one of the canaries?" Forrest asked, surprised.

"I'm a waterfoul," she answered.

(Pun Count: 131)

quote:

They passed a large trunk. A bird was pecking a big hole in it. The moment it spied them, it flew to a branch above them and pecked a shower of sawdust and bits of bark, so that they were dirtied. "Hey, what are you doing?" Forrest demanded, annoyed.

For answer, a smelly bird dropping came down, just missing his head.

"That's a peccadillo," Imbri said. "A bad mannered pecker."

(Pun Count: 132)

quote:

Then there was the melodious cry of a lady bird to the north, and the peccadillo flew off to have something to do with her. "They especially like the ladies," Imbri explained, with what might possibly have been the hint of a smirk.

(Pun Count: 133)

quote:

At last they got off Canary Island, and the edge of the comic strip was there, so that they returned to regular land. "I can see why not many folk care to cross the boundaries," Forrest said. "Those puns don't really hurt you, but they're annoying as anything."

No poo poo.

quote:

"I understand that some folk like them," Imbri said.

"Who would like anything like that? Mundanes?"

"Maybe. Mundania is a strange, repressed place."

"It must be, to have folk who like such junk."

They head on and spot Roogna, though it looks odd. They wander in, and find colored trees blocking the way. Forrest finds a path by finding all the trees that have brown trunks, and they realize they're somehow at Humfrey's castle.

quote:

So they addressed the Challenge of getting into the castle. There was no sign of a moat monster, but they didn't trust that. So Forrest experimented: he picked up a pebble and flipped it into the smooth water.

Enormous teeth snapped out of the water and caught the pebble before it splashed. Then the water was still again. It had happened so quickly that he wasn't sure he had actually seen it, but he concluded that swimming would not be a good idea.

I wish I knew why he decided to put a second time in here. Actually, I think I do: space filler. They poke around and find a strange upside-down bush. They dig it up and find reverse wood, then set it right. They toss the wood in the moat, which turns solid, and then walk across. They find a strange funeral in the To and stome storks in the From, around the castle. (Pun Count: 134) They go talk to the storks.

quote:

"Sorry, don't have time. I'm too busy watching the screen for blips."

"Blips?"

"Signals. If I miss one, the supervisor will pull my tail feathers out. One feather for each blip I miss. That hurts."

"Well, could we help watch your screen while we talk?"

The stork considered. "It's highly irregular."

"But not forbidden," Forrest said. "We'll help, and the supervisor can pull out one of our feathers, or whatever, if we miss any."

The stork is Stanley.

quote:

Forrest saw them. Three bright specks, like stars, in a row, moving quickly across the screen from left to right. In a moment they were gone; it would have been easy to miss them. "What are they?" he asked.

"A signal. I have to record its exact azimuth and elevation, and relay the information to Central Processing." The stork used the tip of his beak to peck at several numbers on a keypad.

"There's another," Imbri said.

Stanley looked up quickly. "Oh, thanks. I would have missed that while I was recording the other."

The stork explains that only one in ten signals is genuine - most produce only two dots.

quote:

"How does someone send a bogie?" Forrest asked, fearing that he knew the answer.

"By going through the motions at the wrong time, or not completing them," the stork said. "Or when they aren't qualified. Demonesses do that a lot, and nymphs. They think its funny to imitate the procedure, when they aren't on the list for deliveries."

That was what he had feared. All his celebrations with nymphs were just cluttering the stork's screen. He felt guilty.

So, while Piers Anthony loves sex, sex for purposes other than procreation is apparently bad? Forrest asks how babies are put together, but the stork won't say. They realize this isn't helping and Forrest wonders if they should be trying the area literally halfway between storks and funeral. They check, and there is in fact a door there. Inside, someone is setting up for a play. That person and the others helping turn out to be Curse Fiends.

quote:

Forrest had heard about the curse fiends. They lived in a castle under Lake Ogre Chobee. They all had the same talent, that of throwing curses, and they put on plays. They didn't like interference or competition. Sensible folk stayed well clear of them.

(Pun Count: 134) They find some empty seats, though Imbri must sit with two women and Forrest with two men.

quote:

"Hello," the man on the left whispered. "I am Justin Case. My talent is to always have just the thing someone needs."

"Hello," the man on the other side whispered. "I am his twin brother Justin Time. My talent is to have my brother present just when he is needed."

(Pun Count: 136) Of course, their powers are only good for others.

quote:

"Yes. We'd give anything to have even one bit of selfish good fortune, like marrying two lovely young women and living happily ever after."

The play is called Raven, and is by Humfrey's wife, Sofia.

quote:

A young man came on the stage and stood before a painted mountain. "I am called Son," he announced. "I am the unacknowledged son of Magician Grey and Sorceress Ivy." He looked at his feet. "It seems they took too long to marry, so when the stork brought me, they weren't ready. So I was raised in an orphanage, with no proper name. But now I am eighteen, and ready to claim my heritage. But first I must perform some significant service for the King, so that I may earn my recognition. I also want to prove that my talent of the ability to manipulate people's minds is truly Magician caliber, because someone claims that it's not that my mother Ivy Enhanced it to make it seem greater than it is. So now I will go to Prove Myself and Seek my Fortune." Son marched in the direction marked To, which was his near future.

Meanwhile the light on him faded, and another brightened on another part of the stage, showing a painting of a fancy castle. Inside the castle sat a man on a throne. The man wore a crown. "I am King Dolph," he announced. "I am the human ruler of Xanth. My talent is to assume any form I wish to." He suddenly turned into a dragon, then into a male harpy, then into a unicorn. He returned to man form. "But today I am receiving visitors, in case any member of my kingdom has a comment or complaint." He glanced to the side. "Queen Electra, who is here?"

A woman wearing blue jeans and a crown appeared. "It's a man who claims to be your real father."

"This should be interesting. Send him in."

Electra pushed an electric buzzer. A buzz sounded, and a door opened. A man entered the royal chamber. He looked somewhat scruffy "So you claim to be my true father?" King Dolph inquired. "Don't you know that I am the son of King Emeritus Dor and Queen Emeritus Irene? That was established long ago."

"No it wasn't," the man said. "You were delivered to me, but I was busy cutting magic canes, so I set you under a cabbage leaf in the Castle Roogna garden and went on with my work. Before I could return for you, Queen Irene discovered you, and claimed you for her own. There wasn't much I could do, because I had to deliver my load of canes to the local store immediately or I wouldn't get paid for them. By the time I had done that, I had forgotten all about the matter. But now I have remembered, so I have come to fetch you home and put you to work cutting more canes, so I can retire."

King Dolph did not look entirely pleased by this news. "It is true that I was found under a cabbage leaf, but that's because the stork was unable to get into the closed castle."

"No it wasn't," the man insisted. "It's because I put you there. My wife was most upset when I mentioned it this morning, and insisted that I set the matter to rights immediately."

(Pun Count: 137)

quote:

"I will have to ponder this," King Dolph said. "Come back next week."

"My wife won't like the delay."

"Here is a pretty bead. Give her that to distract her." King Dolph plunged his hand into the Royal Treasury and fished out a sparkling bead. He gave it to the man.

"Gee, she'll like that," the man said, departing with the bead.

"Next," King Dolph said in a businesslike manner.

"That will be Son," Queen Electra said. "He just arrived." She pressed her buzzer.

Son entered. "And what can I do for you?" King Dolph inquired politely.

"I am your unacknowledged cousin Son. I want you to send me on a significant quest, so I can prove myself and claim my rightful heritage as a member of the royal family and maybe marry a nice princess."

"That's a worthy ambition," King Dolph agreed. "Very well: go find out whether the man with the bead really is my true father."

"Okay. I'll go to Stork Headquarters and check the records."

"Do that."

Son exited. The light faded on the King and followed Son. He walked slowly across the stage, and the scenery moved past him in the opposite direction, showing his progress. But before he got to the Stork Works he encountered a pretty girl. She had long dark hair with a matching dark temper.

"I say," Son inquired, "are you by any chance a princess?" For he had always been intrigued by dark-tempered girls; there was just something about them. His attitude on stage showed this clearly.

"No, I am merely Raven, an ordinary person whose talent is to change the color of my eyes to match my moods." Her eyes brightened as she spoke.

"Too bad," he said with real regret. "For I mean to marry a princess."

"Too bad," she agreed, her eyes darkening moodily. "For you are a handsome man with the look of a Magician about you. I mean to marry a Magician."

"Well, maybe you'll find one. Are you going my way?"

"I believe I am. Shall we travel together until we separate?" Her eyes turned hopeful blue.

"That works for me." So they walked together, and the scenery moved on behind them to show their joint progress.

"Shall I tell you my abbreviated life history as we travel?" Raven inquired as the scrolling scenery threatened to become repetitive, and therefore in need of distraction from.

"I am always interested in the life histories of pretty girls," Son said. "Even if they aren't princesses."

So she told him her story. "My mother wanted me to be a powerful Sorceress. She wasn't much impressed with my eye colors." Her eyes turned motley dull depressive brown. "So she made a deal with a demon.

The demon gave me a bottle on a cord around my neck. It enables me to take snatches of other people's talents and store them inside the bottle. Then I can use these samples of magic."

"Oh, I say now-could I use any of those talents? I can think of some that would be really handy."

"No," she said regretfully, her eyes turning a gloomy gray. "There is a spell on it which allows only me to use it. In return for this bottle, which does on occasion give me Sorceress-like powers, my mother agreed to give the demon her other child to be his slave. She believed it to be a good bargain, because she had no other children."

"One can never be certain of such a thing," Son said. "I am the unacknowledged first son of Magician Grey Murphy and Sorceress Ivy, and now I have returned to make my status known. I am on a quest to ascertain whether King Dolph has an unacknowledged father."

"That's fascinating," Raven said, clearly unfascinated. Her eyes turned dishwater dull. "I am now sixteen, and I have a lovely sister named Robin. I am afraid that the demon is going to take Robin away to be his slave, especially if she grows up to be as pretty as I am. She is fifteen, and shows every sign of it. So I am traveling to Castle Roogna to seek help."

"But I just came from Castle Roogna," Son said.

"Why didn't you say so?" Raven demanded angrily, her eyes turning smoldery.

"You didn't ask."

"Oh. Well, I suppose I had better turn around and go the other way."

"But you can't do that!" Son protested.

"Why can't I?"

"Because I have fallen in love with you."

This made her pause. "But I'm not a princess," she protested.

"But you are beautiful."

"True," she said reasonably. "But however persuasive that may be, it still doesn't make me royal, unfortunately."

"Yet if I successfully claim my heritage, and am recognized as a prince, and marry you, then you will become a princess," he pointed out with a certain appealing logic.

Raven's eyes turned speculatively bright. "I suppose if you prove to be a Magician, it would be feasible. You are, after all, a handsome man."

"Good. Let's get on to the storks."

"The storks!" she exclaimed, alarmed. "I wasn't ready to go quite that far, that fast. I think signaling even one stork is a very serious thing, especially before marriage."

He realized the nature of her confusion. "I am going to Stork Headquarters, to check the records of deliveries, to ascertain whether King Dolph was delivered to Dor and Irene, or to an anonymous cane cutter. For some reason, the King wishes to know."

Raven's eyes blushed beet red. "Oh! I'm so embarrassed. I thought you meant-"

"Well, I certainly wouldn't mind summoning the stork with you, so if you prefer to take it that way-"

"No, I think I'll quit while I'm ahead," she decided, her eyes becoming a peaceful green. "Let's go question the storks."

So they continued on to the Stork Works, which were exactly as Forrest and Imbri had seen them. The stork in charge of Records didn't want to show them to unauthorized personnel, but Son used his talent to change its mind and satisfy it that they were authorized. They looked on the page listing Dolph. "Delivered to Ruben and Rowena, cane cutters," it said.

"Oh no!" Son said, somewhat dismayed. "I fear I will have bad news for ex-King Dolph."

"I fear I have even worse news for him," Raven said faintly.

He looked at her in surprise. "What could be worse than suddenly never having been a king?"

"Suddenly being enslaved to a demon."

He stared at her in wild surmise. "You mean?"

"Yes! Ruben and Rowena are my parents. He is my Long-lost brother I never knew I had."

"But how is this possible? Dolph is thirty years older than you are."

Raven's eyes turned a nonplused color. "Why, I never thought of that. They aren't old enough. This whole scene is impossible."

"Cut!" the curse fiend director cried. "This is all wrong. How did that ending get in the play?"

"I'm sure I don't know," Raven said.

"Look, Madame Take, you spoke the line. You-"

"My name is Miss Take," the actress said primly.

"Well, this is all your fault, Miss Take! You got the line wrong."

(Pun Count: 138) Forrest realizes this is a challenge, and he tells them they can fix the play. He says that Justin Case must marry Miss Take, so that she is Mrs Case, not Miss Take.

quote:

"But he doesn't want to marry a failed actress."

"Speak for yourself, Director," Justin Case said, standing. "She's a beautiful woman, in or out of the play."

"But she wouldn't want to--"

"I'd do anything to save my role," Miss Take said.

Justin Time objects to staying unmarried, and Forrest suggests he marry the actress playing Robin.

quote:

"But Miss Inform wouldn't-"

(Pun Count: 139)

quote:

"Speak for yourself, Director," a lovely young woman said, walking on stage. "Let me get a look at this man."

Justin Time stood. He was a handsome man, appearing almost ageless.

Miss Inform nodded. "He'll do."

"But if you are only fifteen-" Justin Time began doubtfully.

"That is my role age," she replied with a smile. "I am actually slightly older, and a good deal more experienced."

"Good enough!" Justin Time agreed.

The director marries them then gets back to the play.

quote:

On the stage, Son stared at Raven in wild surmise. "You mean?"

"Yes!" she replied, striking her dramatic pose. "Ruben and Rowena are my parents. He is my long-lost brother I never knew I had."

"But how is this possible? Dolph is thirty years older than you are."

"That's right. There must be some mistake. Let's look at that record again."

Son peered at the stork records. "Oh, now I see that it is mismarked.

There's a note: ERROR: PROPER PARENTS ARE DOR & IRENE OF CASTLE ROOGNA."

"Oh, that's a relief," Son said. "I liked King Dolph. I'll be glad to bring the good news to him." He paused. "But then why did your father say that the baby was his?"

"Obviously he lied, because he wanted a son instead of only daughters."

"That makes sense," Son agreed.

"But what about my sister, whom the demon will now claim as his slave?"

Son looked grim. "I shall have to fight him, so as to keep your family happy."

"But you can't fight a demon!" Raven protested.

"You forget my talent of manipulating men's minds. He's male, so maybe I can change his mind." He struck another pose. "Demon, come here!"

There was a gout of fire and a puff of smoke. When it cleared, there was a horrendous figure of a demon. "Who calls Demon Ize?"

(Pun Count: 140)

quote:

"I do," Son said. "I shall not let you make a slave of this woman's lovely little sister."

"Lovely sister?" the demon asked. "I thought it was a vastly older brother."

"No, that was a clerical error. Raven has no brother, only a sister."

"Hm. What does she look like?"

"Here is her picture," Raven said, holding it forth.

D. Ize peered at it. "That could be airbrushed. She's probably really ugly.

"She is not! Here, I'll conjure her in person, and prove it."

"You can conjure?" Son asked, surprised.

"It's one of the pieces of talents I have saved in my bottle," Raven explained. She brought out her bottle and popped the cork. "Sister Robin, come here," she intoned.

A bird with a red breast flew in. It landed on the floor and became a beautiful young woman. "Yes, sister dear?"

(Pun Count: 141)

quote:

"Demon Ize here thinks you're ugly," Raven said.

"Really?" Robin turned to the demon, inhaling.

"Not really," Ize said quickly. "You are truly lovely."

"And he plans to make you his slave," Raven continued sourly.

"Really!" Robin said, frowning. "Does that mean I won't be able to look for a nice man to marry who will have the talent of changing form and flying with me?"

"I can do that!" Ize cried, changing into a green jay. "Suddenly I don't want to enslave you, to my surprise; I want to marry you, you lovely creature," the bird said.

"Gee-that's nice." Robin changed into her bird form, and the two of them flew away.

"Well, I guess that solved your problem," Son said. "And King Dolph's problem. Let's go back to Castle Roogna so I can gain my recognition as a Magician."

"You changed Ize's mind?" Raven asked, impressed.

"Yes. It really wasn't difficult, when he saw how pretty she is. I hope you don't mind having a demon in the family."

"Well, it does seem better than the alternative. And it does seem like a Magician caliber talent. Let's go to Castle Roogna."\

They linked arms and walked off stage.

Forrest and Imbri are rushed off to Humfrey. Sofia shows them in.

quote:

The gnome-like figure looked up. "Yes, yes, of course. Your Service will be to serve as adviser to the princesses Dawn & Eve, to enable them to save the Human territory from marginalization. The magic path will take you directly to Castle Roogna."

They are then rushed off.

quote:

"Himself does appreciate what you are doing, even if he doesn't show it," Sofia said. "If not for you, those two foolish princesses would be off looking for husbands."

"Isn't that normal, for human beings?" Forrest asked.

"Not when their territory is being marginalized. Save that, and then they can do whatever else they want."

"But I don't even know what the term means."

"I'm sure you will find out. Now off with you; the matter is urgent."

She shooed them out the door and toward the magic path. "This realm is as strange as Xanth," Imbri murmured.

"It's stranger," Sofia called after them.

She was probably right.

Pun Count: 141 by the end of Chapter 7.

# ? Jan 14, 2014 19:30

Tezzor: Jul 29, 2013; Can't post for 3 years!

quote:

Several white birds flew overhead. Their bodies were in the shape of the letter C. "C-gulls," Imbri said, identifying them.

This reads like parody.

# ? Jan 14, 2014 20:09

Robindaybird: Aug 21, 2007; Neat. Sweet. Petite.

Tezzor posted:

This reads like parody.

It does. I'm pretty drat sure he put in all the suggested puns verbatim, regardless of how it scans, and in the order he received them. It strikes me that he's not only creepy, but incredibly lazy.

Also - even his non-human characters are getting adolescent girl forms.

# ? Jan 14, 2014 20:38

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

That play is stupid.

This series is dumb as hell.

And it just gets worse.

# ? Jan 14, 2014 21:26

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

We're riding this train all the way down.

# ? Jan 14, 2014 21:53

BrianWilly: Apr 24, 2007; There is no homosexual terrorist Johnny Silverhand

True facts y'all: Night Mare was one of my favorite books as a child, Mare Imbri was one of my favorite characters, and I was so excited when I realized she was going to return in this book.

Ha. Haha.

HA.

:shepface:

# ? Jan 14, 2014 23:55

Dienes: Nov 4, 2009; dee
doot doot dee
doot doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot; College Slice

BrianWilly posted:

True facts y'all: Night Mare was one of my favorite books as a child, Mare Imbri was one of my favorite characters, and I was so excited when I realized she was going to return in this book.

We still haven't gotten to the last Xanth book I read. We'll get through this together.

# ? Jan 15, 2014 03:11

Nihilarian: Oct 2, 2013

Dienes posted:

We still haven't gotten to the last Xanth book I read. We'll get through this together.

I bet I got farther. :colbert:

...

# ? Jan 15, 2014 03:26

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
#1 Builder
2014-2018

Chapter 8. They stop for the night along the road to Roogna.

quote:

"What does it feel like, being solid?" he asked Imbri as she settled down beside him. "I mean, I'm used to it, but you aren't."

"Especially not in girl form," she agreed. "But I find I am getting used to it, and at times I rather like it. I am even beginning to feel solid girl emotions."

"Oh? What are they?"

"Appreciation for the beauty of the forest, and the niceness of folk like Cathryn. Even things like eating and sleeping are interesting experiences."

Horses apparently don't care about that?

quote:

"Caring for my tree has made me that way. Please do join me, Imbri; we are both warm, and the blanket is large enough for us both."

"Thank you." She dissolved her clothing and joined him.

After an astonished instant, Forrest realized that she did not care to sleep under a blanket in her clothing; it wouldn't feel comfortable. So she had eliminated her dress. It made sense. But in that instant she had indeed looked exactly like a nymph. That had an effect on him that he hoped he could conceal from her. He did not want her to think that he had tried to deceive her.

She settled down beside him. Her body touched his at shoulder and hip.

She was soft and smooth and warm. Just like a nymph. But she was not a nymph, he reminded himself forcefully. She was a mare in girl form, and an intelligent and thoughtful creature, not interested in nymphly pursuits. So he faced away from her and did his best to ignore her presence.

It took some time, but at last he did manage to sleep again. But later he drifted awake to discover her nestled against his side, her nymphly attributes very soft. He didn't dare move. But he wasn't quite sure he dared sleep again, lest he dream of chasing and catching a nymph, and do something that would appall her. He wished he had anticipated this situation, and avoided it. Yet at the same time he also liked this unexpected contact with her. He knew that his awareness of her had changed in a way that could not be undone. She was still Imbri, his helpful companion. But now she was also somewhat more than that-in a way he must not allow to show.

Forrest lay awake, struggling to adjust his thoughts, but they would not fit back into their former simplicity. He knew Imbri as a person, not a nymph-but now he wished she could be both. That was of course impossible.

In the morning they get up.

quote:

"Yes." But how different it was to see that nude body, when he knew she was not a mindless nymph. That awareness should have caused him not to care how she looked, but instead it made him care even more. Last night he had wished she could be both nymph and friend, the two aspects separate, taking turns; now he wished she could be both at once. That was a significant change in concept: the idea of celebrating with a real person, a friend, instead of doing the mindless thing with one, and respecting the other. A human woman could have fit that description, as humans had minds and bodies, but Imbri was not human and she had no body, except in the present rather special situation. So it was pointless to dwell on it.

This is only going to get more bad.

quote:

She looked down at her body. "I don't see how-" Then her human mouth turned round. "My maidenly bosom? I poked you with that?"

Forrest felt himself blushing, a thing he had never done before.

Possibly no faun had managed it before.

Imbri apologizes to Forrest and offers to gently caress him, but he tells her to stop since he doesn't want her to pretend to be a mindless nymph.

quote:

So they resumed their trek. But in his mind he saw her again and again, acting exactly like a nymph. He had wanted so much to play that game with her! But to have her pretend to be mindless, and believe she was satisfying him, when what he truly wanted was-no, he couldn't accept that. Neither would he ask her to do it while not pretending to be a nymph, because that would imply some actual commitment on her part, and he had no right to desire that. She was just with him on an assignment, to help him find a faun for a tree. When this quest was done, she would be free to go her own way, her service to the Good Magician fulfilled.

They head on to Roogna.

quote:

In due course they came to Castle Roogna, which was in a forest in a valley. The path had climbed over a ridge, and the valley was laid out for their view, like a large picture. But there was something wrong with that picture. "What are all those lines?" Forrest asked, startled.

"I don't remember seeing them." For the valley was crisscrossed with long colored lines that extended from hillside to hillside, as if some giant had drawn them with a pencil. Only the area immediately around the castle itself was clear of the lines.

[...]

"Do you think it could relate to the problem we are supposed to solve?" she asked. "Marginalization?"

"Marginalization," he repeated, pondering. "They do look a bit like margins. As if somebody drew some lines to mark off the valley, then drew some more lines inside those, and more farther inside, leaving less space in the center. It reminds me of a game I used to play as a faun."

(Pun Count: 142)

quote:

She laughed. "You aren't still a faun?"

Actually, he wondered. The fauns of the Faun & Nymph Retreat were shallow creatures, intent on only one thing, and the nymphs provided that. The fauns who left the retreat and sought useful employment became deeper, but not by a whole lot; it was just that they now realized that the pursuit of nymphs was not the only thing, though it did remain the main thing. Those fauns who chose to associate with trees became deeper yet, but still were not by any means really serious people. On this quest Forrest had become far more thoughtful than ever in his life before, and the episodes on Ptero had accelerated that change. Right up until last night, when he had actually held back from doing what was natural, and this morning when he had declined Imbri's offer to play nymph, despite considerable temptation. No faun he had ever heard of would have done that. So he was certainly no longer a normal member of his kind. But that was too complicated to go into right now. "When I was young."

"What was the game?"

"We played it with stone knives. We cleared a patch of dirt, and took turns flipping our knives into it so that they stuck point first. Then we extended the direction of the blade each way, making a line that divided the patch into two sections. Whoever missed the clear patch, or didn't get his knife to stick in the ground, lost his turn. The clear patch kept getting smaller as it got subdivided, until finally it was too small to hit. The last one to get his knife into it was the winner."

"But what was the point?"

"Just to win. We had to have something to divert us when there were no nymphs in sight. That was it."

They wonder at the cause of this game.

quote:

She nodded. "If it is such a game, what does the winner get?"

"Castle Roogna," he said. "And with it, dominion over all the human beings of Ptero."

Because that makes any fuckin' sense. They head in under the blanket Cathryn gave them, and Forrest tells Imbri that she shouldn't compliment him because he already likes her too much. They reach the castle and head in. They meet Ida, who is now 40, as they are 12 years beyond the present. Also, she has a pyramidal moon, named Pyramid. No one has ever been there. They explain their quest, and their service. Ida takes them to meet King Ivy, one of the few people left.

quote:

Soon they were at the banquet hall. The other members of the castle arrived and were introduced: Consort Grey, a handsome man just beyond forty, Princess Electra, who was 872 or 38 depending on whether chronological or normal living time was counted, and her daughters Dawn & Eve, who were a buxom eighteen. Dawn had flame-red hair, green eyes, and wore bright clothes. Eve had jet black hair and eyes, and wore dark clothing. Both were startlingly beautiful.

"When I met you two, a few days ago, you were six years old," Forrest said, bemused.

"Yes, that's our blank year," Dawn agreed.

"So we don't remember you," Eve said. "But we're sure you're an interesting person."

"Girls, don't be too forward," their mother Electra warned them.

"Oh, pooh!" Dawn said. "He's a faun."

"It's impossible for us to embarrass him," Eve agreed.

Then they both leaned forward over the table, so that their d�colletages fell open, flashing four impressive hemispheres. And for the second time in his life Forrest blushed.

"Girls!" Electra exclaimed indignantly.

"See?" Dawn asked her sister as they straightened up. "I told you it was possible to embarrass a faun."

They prepare to eat.

quote:

The banquet was good, with slices of buttered breadfruit and chipped potatoes, and pitchers of drink. Forrest spied one whose label seemed to say Boot Rear, so he poured himself a mug of that, as he liked forest products. He took a sip, and it was very good. But Dawn, sitting across from him, looked alarmed. "You're drinking Toot Rear?"

(Pun Count: 145)

quote:

Ooops-had he taken the wrong drink? He had seen only the latter part of the label. The last thing he wanted was to embarrass himself at the King's banquet! But then he saw that the pitcher did say Boot, not Toot. Both girls, seeing his face, burst out laughing. They had fooled him.

And then it's time to discuss the job.

quote:

"Your authority derives from that of the Good Magician," Ivy said. "The twins may pout-" As she spoke, Dawn & Eve pouted prettily. "But they know the mission is quite serious, and will do their best. They know that this is the only way to save their father, Prince Dolph." And at that the twins were abruptly serious.

"Can you tell me just what the situation is? We passed a number of lines as we approached the castle, but don't know what they mean."

The King sighed. "They mean that the human sector of Ptero is being marginalized. Some hostile force is laying siege to us, and has already limited us to the immediate region of the castle, so that we can't range through our lives and become young or old as we choose. This means that I am stuck at age forty, which is definitely not comfortable for a woman, and so is my sister Ida. But that's the least of it. All the human beings of this territory have been lost to the margins, so that only the six of us you see here remain. Soon all of us will be gone, if you are not able to guide the twins successfully."

"All are gone?" Imbri asked, appalled.

"All," Ivy said firmly. "At first we sent folk out to try to deal with it, but none of them returned. Even Magicians and Sorceresses were lost. Our daughters Melody, Harmony, and Rhythm are gone, and my grandparents Magician Trent and Sorceress Iris, and Grey's parents Magician Murphy and Sorceress Vadne. They went out and got caught by the margins."

"The margins," Forrest repeated. "Those are the lines?"

"Yes. They appear suddenly, and whatever is caught within them is lost. Sometimes we can see their forms faintly within their enclosures, but we can't reach them."

The walls are one-way, and somehow resistant to Grey Murphy. He thinks it's because the magic is distant and the results are present.

quote:

"They seem to be one way walls," Grey explained. "My talent is to nullify magic, but I have not been able to nullify the margins. I think it is because they are merely the effects of some distant magic, which I can't reach. Similarly Eve's talent is to know anything about anything inanimate, but she can't discover anything about the margins. So it may be that they aren't really there, though their effects certainly are. Did you try to cross any margins the other way?"

They realize that they weren't caught due to their blanket.

quote:

"Cathryn!" Eve said, her dark eyes brightening like stars. "Is she all right?"

"Yes, she's fine," Imbri answered. "She's the one who told us to come to you twins. But how do you know her, since you live beyond her limit of old age?"

Eve smiled. "Our From limit comes close to her To limit. We used to explore that way, and we met her. We were so small that we had gotten lost, but she called out to us and directed us back To, so that we were all right."

"So we like her, and feel that we owe her a service," Dawn said. "But we have found no way to render it."

"That must be why she sent us to you," Forrest said. "She knew that you would help us in our search, since she couldn't."

Moving on...

quote:

"If the Good Magician believes you can succeed, then I'm sure it's true," Grey said. Then he looked thoughtful. "Tell me, Forrest: do you happen to know Princess Ida's talent?"

"Yes. It's the Idea."

"Too bad," King Ivy muttered.

"What?" Forrest asked, startled.

Grey raised a hand. "My wife was thinking of something else. Allow me, if you will, to explore this just a bit further. Do you know how Ida's talent actually works?"

"Yes. Her moon is a solidification of all the ideas associated with Xanth. It's where they are stored. That's why we are here: in pursuit of an idea. The idea of a faun who can associate with my neighboring tree."

Ivy looked up, seeming interested.

"And that is the extent of it?" Grey asked. "It's just the moon?"

What was the point of this? "Yes, as far as I know. Am I being stupid about something?"

"By no means," Grey said quickly. "No one can be expected to know what he hasn't seen and hasn't been told."

"I suppose so," Forrest agreed. He glanced at Imbri, but she averted her gaze. That bothered him. He looked at the twin girls, and they averted their gazes too. "There is something, isn't there!"

Grey manipulates Forrest into saying that he'll probably succeed in saving them, and then explains Ida's real talent.

quote:

Even Imbri had known the Princess before. Only Forrest himself hadn't known her talent, though he had thought he did. So only his own belief in the success of his mission counted. His ignorance had been his greatest asset. "So now I will succeed," he said slowly. "But what I believe after this won't count, because now I know the true nature of Princess Ida's talent."

"That's it," Grey agreed. "But it is enough. That assurance guarantees not only your personal success, but the salvation of the whole human complement of Ptero. Until this point, we have had to face the prospect of extinction."

Forrest was amazed, and not completely pleased. "So I was sent here because of what I didn't know, so that you could persuade me that I could succeed, so that it would become possible for me to succeed, thanks to Princess Ida, so that you could escape your fate."

The twins hit on Forrest some more.

quote:

"Mom, when you were our age, you were married," Dawn said. "And exploring the Adult Conspiracy."

"And in blue jeans, too," Eve added. "While we wear dresses."

She spun about, causing her skirt to rise dangerously. "Now it's our turn, while we're lush and full."

"Of all the ages to be stuck in," Electra moaned. "You're impossible.

"Oh come on Mom," Dawn said. "You enjoyed signaling the stork to order us. Admit it."

They had to the Tapestry and confirm that the human region is all that's under attack.

quote:

"So the attack is limited to the human region," Forrest said, trying to proceed intelligently despite his continuing awareness of the maidenly hips touching him. He tried to think of the girls as the little ones he had first seen, but it just didn't work; they were big girls now.

They wonder at the cause.

quote:

"Maybe an evil Wizard," Eve added.

"Not a Magician or Sorcerer?" he asked.

"We don't think there are any left," Dawn explained. "So it must be something non-human."

Forrest nodded. "That makes sense to me."

[...]

"We think the Wizard must be hiding in the hills somewhere, in an ugly castle, hating human beings because he's not pretty like us," Dawn said.

"And he's casting out margins to hem us in so we can't escape, so he can destroy us all," Eve said.

[...]

"We think maybe the Wizard is watching, and does something to strengthen a margin when one of us approaches it, to make us think we are trapped more solidly than we are," Dawn said eagerly. "Maybe if we could go to a line without being noticed, we could get through it, or do something to it."

They head out under the blanket of obscurity to test it.

quote:

Eve squatted so that she could touch the line on the ground. "It's still not-wait, it's very faint, but I can feel something. It's not the thing, just the energy from it, which piles up at the ground. It-it's because it isn't projecting up from the ground, it's coming down from above.

[...]

"That's it," Eve said. "I can tell now; it turns a corner. I can feel that much from its nature. A corner that way." She closed her eyes and pointed.

"That's toward Castle Roogna!" Imbri said.

[...]

"Could you have an enemy in your midst?" Forrest asked, feeling a chill.

"No," Dawn said. "There's only King Ivy and Consort Grey; they would never betray the human territory. After all, they govern it. There's mom-she'd never do it either. And Aunt Ida is Ivy's twin sister; she'd never do it. It isn't the two of us, either. And there's no one else in the castle, now; we know."

They realize it must be from Pyramid.

quote:

Forrest pondered. "Dawn & Eve must have small soul fragments here-maybe about the same amount as we have, relative to Ptero. Enough to animate their bodies on Pyramid."

"That's true," Dawn said. "Souls are living, so I know. We have just that much. But what of you two, who are all-soul here?"

"We'll just have to leave most of our souls behind," Forrest said. "And use just enough for Ptero. It should be similar to what we did in Xanth, leaving our bodies lying in the Tapestry room."

The other three nodded. "I think we shall have to go to Pyramid," Imbri said. "But first we'll have to tell the others."

"Mom's not going to like this much," Eve said darkly.

"But she'll get used to it," Dawn said brightly. "She always does."

Forrest and Eve stepped back across the margin, and the four of them walked back toward Castle Roogna. Forrest was pleased with the progress they had made, but nervous about what might be in store for them. This mission had just become more complicated than he had expected.

Pun Count: 145 by the end of Chapter 8.

# ? Jan 15, 2014 15:36

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# ? Jun 7, 2024 19:07

Mors Rattus: Oct 25, 2007; FATAL & Friends
Walls of Text
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2014-2018

Chapter 9. The part, despite Electra's misgivings, prepares to head to Pyramid. They use Humfrey's spell to get there, as they did for Ptero.

quote:

Soon Pyramid came into sight above and ahead. It looked like a distant moon with a sharp triangular outline. It expanded as they contracted, until it resembled a close planet. Then it looked like a huge turning world. Each of its faces was a different color: blue, red, green, and the bottom was gray.

[...]

They came down onto a land that was surprisingly ragged, considering the evenness of the outline. There were mountains and ravines and tilted plains, with lakes splashed between. But what was Most remarkable was the color: it was all in shades of blue. Forrest hadn't marveled about it before, being too distracted by the problem of landing safely. But now he realized that even the clouds they had passed were blue. So this was no special effect, like the blue sky of Xanth; it was the color of the substance of this world on this side.

[...]

"The magic of Pyramid must be different from Ptero, just as Ptero's magic is different from Xanth," Forrest said. "It may take us a while to adapt."

"I'm getting dizzy," Eve said. "The idea of not knowing the direction by color is awful! How will we know From and To?"

"There may not be any," Forrest said. "Age and geography may not be linked, on this world."

"Oooh, ugh!" Dawn said

"I hope I don't get sick," Eve added.

"You may be feeling blue," Forrest said.

(Pun Count: 146)

quote:

Both girls glanced at him sharply, and he realized that he had said something funny. He had been thinking of the loneliness of leaving one world and trying to adjust to another, but he doubted that they would believe that.

They had landed on a field between mountains. It was covered with blue grass and blue flowers. It was also tilted: when they stood, they were at an angle to the plain. But they were safely down. Imbri retained her mare form; evidently she had enough soul mass to assume her natural mode on this world. She was a glistening blue-black, with a sleek hide and nice mane and tail.

Dawn and Eve check the area, and find that the things nearby are nice and friendly.

quote:

Then a horde of little creatures came charging across the ground toward them. They were like squirrels, except that they ran on their hind two legs. They were light blue.

"Are they friendly?" Forrest asked, worried.

"The grass says no," Dawn said.

"The rock says yes," Eve said.

Forrest made a quick calculation. "Does that mean that they eat grass and don't eat rocks?"

"Yes," they said together.

Then the creatures were upon them. They formed circles around each of the four visitors, chirping avidly. They all stood perpendicular to the plane, in contrast to the visitors.

"These are lings," Dawn said as she touched one. "A variety of a broad species that appears in many places. There are Earthlings, Xanthlings, Pterolings, and Pyramidlings. They can make the impossible possible. They are widespread on Pyramid. They noticed us because we stand skew and aren't blue."

(Pun Count: 147) The lings offer to make them blue and the proper orientation, but there's a price.

quote:

Dawn touched the lings again, trying to understand. "Whoever gives anything away, on this world, gains equivalently." She looked up. "Does that makes sense? It seems impossible."

"And they are creatures of the impossible," Forrest said. "So it must be true. So maybe we don't want to accept anything until we understand its consequence. If the giver gains, what does the receiver lose?"

Dawn's brow furrowed as she concentrated on the little creatures. "The receiver gets smaller," she said. "The giver gets larger."

"Weird," Eve said.

"How much larger and smaller?" Forrest asked.

"Not a lot. But some. For an individual gift. Those who give a lot can become giants, eventually. But those who accept a lot can get rather small in time, and even disappear."

"Then let's choose carefully," Forrest said. "I think we do need to merge with the natives, and if the obscurity spell doesn't work-" He paused. "Can they fix that? It seems impossible, so-"

"Yes, they can," Dawn said.

"Then let's accept three things from them: the ability to stand at right angles to the terrain, as they do, and blue color, and a working obscurity spell. I don't think we need more. After all, Dawn's & Eve's talents are working, so maybe our direct personal magic isn't lost."

The lings do it for them, and they head off under the blanket.

quote:

Dawn's red hair was now purple, and her white dress was pale blue. Eve's black hair was midnight blue, and her dark dress was perhaps two hours off midnight, while her skin was light blue. Mare Imbri was also midnight blue. Forrest was medium blue, his furred legs darker than his upper torso, and his hoofs darker yet.

"Actually, we don't look bad," Dawn said, smiling. Her teeth were metallic blue.

They decide that the blue margins must be coming from this part of Ptero, and probably the center. Eve finds a route towards the center with her magic. They find some water, and Eve tests it for safety.

quote:

Eve lay down at the edge of the water. She touched its surface with one finger. "How come you got to be the one to blush?" she demanded suddenly. "I'm sure it was my turn."

Dawn was evidently surprised. "Well, you can have the next turn. I didn't realize-"

"And how come you rate the bright red hair and green eyes, while I'm dull shades of black?"

"Well, we're both blue now, but-"

"And how come you always get to speak first, and I always have to be second? Ever since we were children-"

"Eve, I don't understand-"

"The water!" Forrest exclaimed. "It did something to her."

Dawn nodded. "Eve, what's with the water?"

Eve concentrated. "This is the jealous sea. It makes anyone who drinks it or touches it jealous." Then she heard herself talking, and was startled. "Oh, no!"

(Pun Count: 148) They head on and find another lake.

quote:

"Oh, now you're trying to do my work," Eve grumped. She squatted at the edge and touched the water.

Then she stood. "I feel like doing something new," she said. "Forrest, look at this." She pulled off her blue blouse. She dropped it, and it dissolved into soul substance as it left her hand. She was left wearing a blue bra that hardly seemed up to the chore of containing her bosom.

"That must be the Indecen Sea," Imbri said, catching on to the symptom.

"You bet it is," Eve said, pulling off her skirt and letting it dissolve similarly. She wore a blue slip that seemed hardly better than nothing.

(Pun count: 149) Eve tries to seduce Forrest, and Dawn gets her to stop by threatening to jump in the water and therefore become twice as indecent and therefore twice as good at seduction and this is loving stupid. Forrest gets onto Imbri to avoid more trouble. They hunt for more water and Eve keeps hitting on Forrest as they try to find a way past a big rock.

quote:

"Hey!" she cried. "This isn't real rock. It's sham rock!"

(Pun Count: 149)

quote:

Dawn tittered. "You must be lying, then."

"It's not that kind of sham rock," Eve retorted. "But you can lie if you want to."

"Very well. I don't want to kiss someone all over his fur."

"Neither do I," Eve said. "I really hate the notion."

"Enough lying," Dawn said. Then she walked into the rock to rescue her sister. In a moment they both emerged. "We can walk right through it," Dawn called. "Come on."

Yeah, this isn't ending any time soon. The found some more water, and Eve touches it.

quote:

She touched the surface. A beatific smile crossed her face and drifted some distance beyond. "Oh, I feel so relieved!"

"What is it?" Dawn asked.

"It's a Mer Sea," she said in kindly fashion. "It forgives everything."

(Pun Count: 150)

quote:

Forrest jumped off her back, and they went to drink. As soon as he touched the water, a marvelous feeling of compassion washed through him.

Eve approached him. "Forrest, I apologize for my unfortunate behavior. I really should not have-"

"That's all right," he said quickly. "It was the water."

"Yes. But you still look doubtful."

"It�s just that, if you don't mind-"

"Yes?"

"If you would put your clothing back on."

"Oh." It must have been her turn to blush, because she did so to the waist before reforming her outer apparel.

See? They hunt for somewhere to camp.

quote:

"That looks like a nightshade tree," Imbri said. "That should help."

Sure enough, under the blue tree there was a pool of darkness. It was midnight blue-black, the same as Imbri's hide, and impenetrable. Beside it was a sweetgum tree. So they picked a number of the leaves and twigs, which were made of sweet gum with a slightly woody flavor. This was enough to satisfy their incidental hunger. Their renewed thirst was satisfied by several small local ponds which turned out to be teas: serendipi, sereni, punctuali, joviali, and naugh. They were especially tempted by the last one, but after the experiences of the seas, concluded that discretion was best. Farther along they spied calami, adversi, frail, and pomposi, which were worse, so they gave up on their search for anything better. They drank the sereni-tea and soon relaxed into sleep in the pleasant darkness of the nightshade. Imbri remained in her mare form, needing no blanket, while the girls lay close together and were warm. That left Forrest alone, thinking thoughts that made him feel guilty. It had been bad enough when Imbri was in girl form; now there were two genuine girls.

(Pun Count: 161) They approach the center. They find some cat people, and Dawn uses her magic to learn about them.

quote:

"She is Catrina," she announced. "Of the category of Feline Folk who cater to the catacombs. She had a whole collection of cat combs she has made for the ones who live in maze-like tunnels. On occasion she brings some combs to the Blue Wizard's castle. It's very forbidding, and no one can get in who isn't invited. It's guarded by all manner of monsters."

(Pun Count: 166)

quote:

"Yes. It's part of everything about her. But I can't get beyond her personal experience. She's never actually been inside the castle, and knows nothing about its content. But she's afraid of the Wizard, who has given so much away that he has become enormous."

Forrest took a moment to work that out, remembering that on this world creatures gained size and power by being generous. "But how can he give so much away?" he asked. "I mean, where does he get anything to give away? It must come from somewhere."

"From Ptero," Imbri said in a dreamlet.

"That's right!" Eve agreed. "See if he gives away any talents."

Dawn checked. "Yes, he has given away many talents-and I recognize some from people I know on Ptero. One cat woman got the talent of changing things to strawberry jam, for all that it comes out blue. Another got the talent of Charisma, which becomes purrsuasion; now she is queen of the cat people. Another got the talent of spell-checking."

(Pun Count: 167)

quote:

"Hey, isn't that Com-Pewter's talent?" Imbri asked.

"No, his talent is changing local reality to suit himself," Forrest said. "But checking spells-that's a strong one. If that belonged to one of the folk captured by the margins, it is becoming clear where all the magic is going. The Blue Wizard is getting it and giving it away to add to his power."

(Pun Count: 168) The reason that the Wizard can do this is that Pyramid's rules don't apply to Ptero. There are Wizards on each face of Pyramid, doing the same thing.

quote:

"Now I am just a naive girl," Eve said. "With barely a notion of the Adult Conspiracy, and no experience." Her sister smirked at that. "But even I know that we'd probably get hauled in and executed without trial."

"I couldn't have said it better, even if you did usurp my turn," Dawn said.

"It wasn't your turn. You spoke last before me."

"But this is a new subject. I always comment first on new things."

"Girls, girls," Forrest said, finding himself shoved into a role their mother had played on Ptero.

Both turned to him, their motions so well coordinated that he knew he had been had. Imbri faced away, letting him handle it in his own fashion. "And what are you going to do about it?" Dawn inquired. "Spank us?"

"Shall we hoist our skirts for it?" Eve continued. "So you can smack our pan-"

"Girls!" he cried in boldface. Then, more quietly: "After this mission is done, and your friends have been saved, and we are no longer in danger of being executed, then you may tease me as much as you want, and maybe even make me blush again. You are both extremely attractive young women, and I am a faun, and I would love to play games with you in my natural fashion. But at present we are in danger, and any mistake we make could cost us not only our lives, but imperil the fate of all the human folk remaining on Ptero. So though you may regard me as unqualified, and perhaps laughable, I hope you will allow me to do the best I can in the role that the Good Magician requires of me. That is to guide you to success in saving your land from marginalization."

(Pun Count: 168) The girls promise to stop trying to gently caress him until after the mission. Then they kiss him.

quote:

But he was cut off by Dawn, who stepped into him, embraced him closely, and kissed him with such passion that his head seemed in danger of floating away. It was as if the sun were rising and blinding him with its warm, delightful light. Then she released him, and Eve hugged him so firmly that he needed no eyes to appreciate her every contour, and kissed him even more passionately. This time it was as if the sun were setting and carrying him into the lovely encompassing night.

[...]

"We double-teamed you," Dawn said. "We apologize."

"No!" he exclaimed desperately.

They both laughed. "Not gourd fashion, silly," Eve said. "We've already done that." Then they helped him up. They were now in baggy blue jeans and blue plaid shirts that cut their feminine appeal in half.

[...]

"I'm a faun," he repeated. "I like nymphs. Recently I have been learning to like real folk too. But I'm not used to the emotions."

"So we gather," Dawn said. "You have surely had far more physical experience than we, as delicate maidens, would care to imagine. While we have had more emotional experience than you have been equipped to comprehend. It will be fun merging experiences, in due course."

They decide to use the girls' magic to learn more.

quote:

The castle was a huge, grim structure of mottled blue. There was an odor waiting from it. "I know that smell," Imbri said. "I have encountered it on the moon. Blue cheese!"

(Pun Count: 169)

quote:

A guard marched around the castle. He didn't see or notice them, thanks to the obscurity and their care in hiding, and passed quite close. "Look at that!" Dawn whispered. "His hand is metal!"

"Silly-that's a hand gun," Eve pointed out. "It makes sense for a guard."

(Pun Count: 170)

quote:

A light came on at the side door of the castle. It was a special shade of bright blue. "Oh, I wouldn't want to smear that UltraViolent light bulb," Eve said. "Those are mean when messed with."

(Pun Count: 171) Some garbage is tossed out, and they use that.

quote:

"Ah, here it is," Eve said, putting her hand on it. "Recently carried by Jan Itor. It contains trash and kitchen leavings collected by the night watchman, A. Lert. They are from all over the castle."

(Pun Count: 173)

quote:

"With luck, some of it isn't dead yet, sister dear," Eve agreed, wrinkling her nose. "So you will also have the pleasure." She opened the bag and pulled out a tube. "Toothpaste that pastes the mouth closed. No wonder they threw it out."

(Pun Count: 174)

quote:

Dawn spied a large ant struggling to escape the bag. She let it walk on her hand. "This is a de-odor-ant. It can make a person lose the sense of smell. I guess they threw it out because they like the smell of blue cheese."

(Pun Count: 175)

quote:

Eve pulled out an old pen. "This is what is left of an invisible ink pen," she said. "Originally the pen held several large ugly animals, but each animal used up some of the ink, and the pen gradually shrank, until it was too small to be of use."

(Pun Count: 176)

quote:

In due course, piecing through the thrown away junk, they were able to work out a fair notion of the castle plan. The Wizard lived in the highest chamber, through which the blue lines passed. The lines actually seemed to come from below, however: the dungeon. That was entirely sealed off from outside, and only the Wizard had access from inside. There was no refuse from it; evidently it had its own internal garbage dump. So the riddle of the lines remained.

They decide to find the Ida on Ptero.

quote:

"No-I mean the Ida who must be here. Your world of Ptero orbits Ida of Xanth; this world of Pyramid orbits Ida of Ptero. So there must be an Ida here with another world, and maybe she would know the secrets of the worlds."

Because that logically follows, I guess? They find a tiny mountain range to sleep at.

quote:

But as they approached the range, it got up and walked away. Astonished, they watched it depart. Then Dawn laughed. "A mountain goat!" she said. "I should have recognized it."

(Pun Count: 177)

quote:

They found another place, near blue berry bushes, which made it handy for supper. As they ate, the wind came up, whistling softly through the trees. It made a sad melody. "I always liked the blues," Eve remarked.

(Pun Count: 179)

quote:

But as darkness closed, the temperature dropped. Forrest realized that he hadn't thought to bring a second blanket. So he dug out the one he had and gave it to the girls. "This will do for the two of you," he said.

They looked at him. "I wish this wasn't a serious mission," Dawn said.

"Because then we could share the blanket with you," Eve said.

"I'm sorry too," he said. "But I will join Imbri." For Imbri in mare form was both warm and safe. So things worked out after all.

He lay down beside Imbri. "You really are a nice person," she murmured in a dreamlet for him alone.

"No I'm not. I really wanted to sleep with them."

"I know you did. Right between them. Knowing that they would probably dissolve their clothing under the blanket, just as I did. But you refused to do it. That's what makes you nice, just as you were with me."

[...]

"They are of a slightly different culture than the one we encountered in Xanth. Maybe it's all right for them to play with fauns, if they want to."

"I doubt their mother would approve."

"Mothers never do. In the old days I delivered thousands of bad dreams to worried mothers. They think their daughters must be pristine and never do what the mothers did when they were young. So the daughters simply don't tell their mothers." She chuckled, in the dreamlet. "Now that Queen Iris has been rejuvenated to her twenties, she doesn't tell her daughter Irene, who would Not Approve Iris's present activities. Folk seldom approve the fun others have."

Imbri offers to gently caress Forrest, but he turns her down.

quote:

"I know, Forrest, I know. You don't feel free to be a faun, or free to make commitments of that nature, so you are caught in a personal limbo. I wish I could free you from it. And I will, if I ever find the way. Meanwhile, I respect your stance, and I respect you."

She sends him a dream to help him sleep.

quote:

In his mind's eye he saw a pale blue cloud floating toward him. The words DEEP SLEEP were embossed on its surface. It loomed large, smelling of gentle music, and encompassed him, and he sank into it with relief.

(Pun Count: 180) Dawn and Eve wake him, forcefeed him a berry, and then hit on him some more.

quote:

Then they stood, together. Dawn's light blue skirt changed to pale blue jeans just a bare instant before it would have shown Too Much, and Eve's dark blouse changed to a dark shirt just a transparent instant after it had shown More Than Enough.

Forrest approaches someone, but they don't know where Ida is.

quote:

The woman shook her head. "Never heard of her. So I can't help you. So I might as well harass you."

"Harass me?"

"I am Polly Morph, and I can change myself into what I can imagine. Today I am irritable, so I shall become a dragon and gobble you and your stupid horse up, hoping you don't taste too bad." Her face stretched out to become a dragon's snout, and her body burst out of its clothes to become serpentine.

(Pun count: 181) Dawn saves them with the blanket, and the girls hit on Forrest some more. They then claim to be falling in love with him.

quote:

"We wanted to be valued for ourselves."

"But I do know of your royalty, and appreciate your beauty, and your magic, and your novelty," Forrest protested. "I am fascinated by all of them. So I am no better than any of those you have encountered. And I am just a faun of no particular authority or ability. So-"

"So you have no ambition with respect to us," Dawn said.

"Just a healthy desire to celebrate with us in your quaint fashion," Eve said.

"And accomplish your mission."

"And go your way."

"Yes. I can't remain in your world. I must return to my tree. And since I know that true human beings don't believe in dalliance for its own sake, I am trying to avoid it."

"Which is our point," Dawn said. "You know us, and appreciate all our points, yet have no ulterior motive."

"You are the first male outside our family," Eve said, "whom we can truly trust. Therefore we love you."

"But trust is only one element of a meaningful relationship," he protested. "And it is a property of fauns to make the females they touch want to celebrate. So your emotions may not be genuine, or at least not natural."

"But we are young and fickle, and our love will not endure."

"So we hope to indulge it with you during this window of opportunity."

Forrest agrees to gently caress them after the mission, and they hunt down Imbri, who is safe. Forrest quickly gets her up to speed. They find something new to talk to.

quote:

In fact, it didn't resemble anything Forrest remembered seeing before, anywhere. It seemed to be a mass of curving projections, some furry, some bare, some pointed, some floppy, and some vaguely like nothing specific.

"Hello!" Forrest called.

The thing cringed away. "Don't yell!" it exclaimed from somewhere within, faintly.

[...]

"I'm all ears," it said, disappearing around a curve.

"That's true," Imbri said in a dreamlet. "Now I recognize the different shapes of ears. It must be very sensitive to sound."

(Pun Count: 182) They find something else - a man in robes who recognizes Imbri as a former night mare. He is a Mundane, Todd Laren.

quote:

"I'm not sure, but I think it was my imagination. I dreamed of a special world, where I was a royal character and could do magic, and suddenly I was here, with my talent of being able to direct wind to blow to particular places. It may not be much, but I enjoy it."

"Do you happen to know a woman called Ida?"

"The one with the moon?"

"That's the one. Can you tell us how to find her?"

"No, but I can direct you to her. Just follow that gust of wind."

They talk about mass loss and realize that once they get back they won't even notice, because of how small Pyramid is. Then they head on.

quote:

But then it did pause. It hovered in place, barely hanging on to the blue dust that made it visible. It was beside a young woman. Her hair and eyes were a silver shade of blue, and there was even a sprinkling of blue snow on her head. She was pretty, but looked hard.

"That's not Ida," Forrest murmured.

The woman is Lady Winter, or perhaps Winter Lee Cheryl Jacobs of Mundania. (Pun Count: 183) They direct her back to Todd, and Forrest gains some mass.

quote:

"You just did someone a favor," Imbri said. "I think the wind did recognize her as a Mundane, and felt an affinity because Todd Loren was Mundane. They should like each other: he's mature and nice, and she's young and pretty."

Moving on...

quote:

"This is just a field full of crosses," Forrest said. "They must be marking graves." Indeed, there were big crosses and little ones, each one carved from wood and slightly different from all the others. Some were fairly straight, but others were curvaceous. In fact they seemed to be about as individual for crosses as people were for people. Forrest had a vested appreciation for wood, and found it intriguing in its own right whatever form it might be carved into, but he didn't recognize this particular variety.

"But in Xanth graves aren't marked by crosses," Imbri said.

"This isn't Xanth. In fact, it isn't even Ptero. Who knows what the rules may be on Pyramid?" He was suspicious, because of the way the crosses had been used in Contrary Centaur's game on Ptero. If these were anything like that, he wanted no part of them.

"Maybe so," she agreed. "Let me send a dreamlet down to see whether there's a body."

There isn't. They decide to wait for the girls, and the wind gets them some food.

quote:

The gust swept across to a billboard on the far side of the field. It had a painting of a grand assortment of berries. All were in shades of blue, of course, but seemed to be of many varieties. They looked delicious.

"But this is just a picture," Forrest said.

The gust brushed up against the picture, and it almost seemed that some of the berries moved. So Forrest reached out to touch a berry and it was round, not flat. He picked it and put it to his mouth. "A bill-berry!" he exclaimed. "I should have known."

(Pun Count: 184) The girls show up and hit on Forrest, and Eve explains about the crosses.

quote:

In a few steps they approached a gradually clarifying figure holding a cross. As Forrest concentrated, Eve became recognizable. "These crosses enable folk to cross things," she said. "Eyes, T's, mountains, rivers, people-anything."

(Pun Count: 185)

quote:

"Indeed. They are put out here for anyone to take and use. But when one is used, their maker gains the benefit of a given favor, and the one who uses them loses mass. So we don't want to take too many."

"Can one cross enable more than one person to cross something?"

"A big one can. A small one is limited both in person and distance. Four small ones would enable four people to cross one mountain, while one big one might enable all four people to cross a whole range of mountains. But the big one will exact a greater amount of mass, so we don't want to use any of them more than we need to."

"Suppose we take several crosses, but don't use them?"

"Then there is no price. It doesn't matter where the crosses are, only how they are used."

They collect some crosses.

quote:

Forrest leaned down to take a cross, but now Eve's hand stayed him. "I wouldn't," she murmured.

"Why not?"

"Because that particular one is made of petrified wood."

Forrest froze. Then he moved his hand very slowly down, barely touching the cross. Fear coursed through him. It was true; this cross made anyone who touched it terrified.

(Pun Count: 186) He stuffs it in his sack, and that gets rid of the fear. They head on and find some beehives with books.

quote:

Eve went up cautiously to touch one of the fancy hives. It seemed that enough of the blanket of obscurity remained on her to keep the bees from being disturbed. Then she laughed. "These are Ark-hives," she explained. "Where the bees store books, so they won't be lost. That must be why these bees are so large; they are constantly doing good deeds for this region, by saving all these good references."

(Pun Count: 187) They use some crosses to cross a dangerous lake, and run into Ida.

quote:

The wind was waiting for them. They followed it along a winding path to a blue ridge of mountains. On the ridge was a house built of blue stone. As they approached it, a woman emerged. "Aunt Ida!" Dawn cried, going up to hug her.

"You haven't changed at all," Eve said, doing the same.

Ida returned their hugs, then inquired, "You seem like such fine girls. Do I know you?"

Pun Count: 187 by the end of Chapter 9.

# ? Jan 15, 2014 19:08

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Traditional Games > Let's Read Xanth (You Were Stupid As A Teen, Too)

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