Marley Wants More posted:

"But if you just write down the path to the defrag utility for me I can't murder you when you get there and make your skin into a body suit!"


Live-action STDH: As I type this someone is telling me about someone they know knowing someone who named his daughter "Shithead", pronounced "She-TAY-ad". (STH: It was in response to me laughing at an expense report restaurant receipt which states the server was "Shiteya".)



Edit: She got called out on what an old joke that is. She's insisting that, in her case, it's true.

dijon du jour posted:

I am consistently surprised by peoples' willingness to spout STDH in public. Like, I understand the anonymity of the internet emboldening people, but if you get caught in real life everyone you know is going to think you're an idiot.
One of my mom's friends (who is a teacher) once tried to claim that there were two kids at the school she taught named Male and Female (pronounced "Molly" and "Fa-molly").

hallo spacedog posted:

But then you'd be letting our fat-phobic society erase your identity as a proud healthy fat person.

Squalitude posted:

Look at that, he's holding a packet of sausages! It totally happened...

Squalitude posted:

silvergoose posted:

(under 18 kids can't buy cigarettes in the US, dunno about the rest of the world)

dijon du jour posted:

I am consistently surprised by peoples' willingness to spout STDH in public. Like, I understand the anonymity of the internet emboldening people, but if you get caught in real life everyone you know is going to think you're an idiot.
One of my mom's friends (who is a teacher) once tried to claim that there were two kids at the school she taught named Male and Female (pronounced "Molly" and "Fa-molly").

hyperhazard posted:

Wow, your mother and my mother must have the same friend. What are the odds?

In her version, it was 1960s Appalachia, so at least it wasn't "black people, amiright?"

quote:

A Nice Hot Cup Of Karma
Coffee Shop | UK | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

(I work in a small sandwich shop owned by my parents. We are famous locally for giving great value for money. It is Saturday morning and I am on my own. A customer walks in.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. How can I help you?”

Customer: “How much is a tea?”

Me: “£1.”

Customer: “And how much do you get?”

(I am a little taken aback by this, but I show him a cup. It’s roughly the same dimensions as a standard mug.)

Customer: “That’s f****** ridiculous! Are you trying to f****** rip us all off!?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t know what to say. We have the cheapest tea in the area that uses proper milk. I don’t make the prices!”

(At this point a regular walks in.)

Customer: “I don’t care! You don’t f****** know anything. Get me your godd*** manager. Do you know who I am?”

Regular: “Excuse me? You shouldn’t swear at her, or call her stupid. She’s been serving me for a year now and she’s never let me down once!”

Customer: *not looking at him or paying much attention* “Yeah, whatever, mate. Who the f*** do you think you are?”

Regular: “Your boss’ husband.”

(The customer turns, finally notices who the regular is, and runs out. I thank my regular by giving him a free plated breakfast. It later turns out that the customer was fired, ironically for poor customer service!)

FrozenVent posted:

This barista, in a year of serving me, has never let me down.

Khazar-khum posted:

There is a very patient young woman at our local Vons named 'Latrina'. I think she'd like to strangled her mother.

Korgan posted:

Thinky Whale posted:

I'm disappointed. Skimming that quickly made me think they got the appropriate response to drawing that on the board: a cold "gently caress you."

Korgan posted:

Squalitude posted:

Look at that, he's holding a packet of sausages! It totally happened...

Knormal posted:

http://www.shermansplanet.com/gallifreyan

quote:

Gallifreyan follows letters
and not sounds.

quote:

Found this note at my front door attached to a 12-pack of Corona's...

quote:

I once hosed the wrong twin. Found out halfway through when she said pound it like you pound my sister! I finished in her and then played some Mario Kart. I wasn't about to stop.

My Lovely Horse posted:

Congratulations on inventing a writing system that requires another writing system to work at all.

kinmik posted:

hyperhazard posted:

Does it stand for Good Guy Greg?

It does, doesn't it.

quote:

Body language is easier to fake with men than with women because, overall, men aren't good readers of body language.

The Lying Job Applicant

Some time ago, a man had been interviewed who was explaining why he had quit his last job. He told us that there had been insufficient future opportunity available to him and that it was a hard decision to leave as he got on well with all the staff there. A woman conducting one of the interviews said she had an 'intuitive feeling' that the applicant was lying and that he had negative feelings about his former boss, despite the applicant's continual praising of his boss. During a review of the interview on video, it was noticed each time the applicant mentioned his former boss a split second sneer appeared on the left-hand side of his face. Often these contradictory signals will flash across a person's face in a fraction of a second and are missed by an untrained observer. His former boss was called and the discovery was made that the applicant had been fired for dealing drugs to other employees. As confidently as this applicant had tried to fake his body language, his contradictory micro-gestures had undercut his credibility with the woman running the interview.

Ambystoma posted:

I came across this ridiculous "Book of Body Language" today, which was pretty much just copy pasted text (without author credit) from the well known Alan Pease book of similar name, and had this gem on the first page after an explanation that ladies possess dark divining powers in the non verbal field because they know how to communicate with babies.

NoUU posted:

Revenge fantasies are my favorite STDH.

NoUU posted:

Revenge fantasies are my favorite STDH.

krissycokl posted:

Also, where did the toy spider come from? He makes it sound like he didn't know it was there.

deadly_pudding posted:

Goonies Jacket works in mysterious ways.

Nanomashoes posted:

A treacherous, greedy catholic Patrician and Holy Roman Elector was teaching a class on Pope Innocent III, a known heretic.

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship the Pope and accept that Catholicism is the one and only faith founded by Jesus Christ, even greater than Nestorianism!”

At this moment, a brave, Greek, Varangian soldier who had killed over 1500 Turks and understood the legitimacy of the Eastern Roman Empire and fully supported all its economic, social and military reforms stood up and held up a map of the Holy Land

"Who should own this land, Brutus?"

The arrogant Venetian smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “The crusaders, you stupid heretic”

”Wrong. Its been over 2000 years since Alexander the Great conquered it. If it was not owned by Arabs, and Catholics, as you say, should own the land... then the crusaders should have conquered Jerusalem by now."

The Patrician was visibly shaken, and dropped his ducats and copy of the Roman Misal. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic catholic tears. The same tears catholics cry for “the Crusaders” (who today live in such luxury that most bathe daily). There is no doubt that at this point our Patrician, Enrico Dandolo, wished he had been Orthodox and supported the Komnenoi struggle against the Turks. He wished so much that he had the Imperial Sword to kill himself from embarrassment, but he himself had pawned it off to the Capetians!

The students applauded and all applied for Roman citizenship that day and accepted Manuel Komnenos as their Basileus. A double-headed eagle named “Byzantium” flew into the room and perched atop the Hagia Sophia and shed a tear on the chalk board. Epitaph of Seikilos was sung several times, and Constantine the Great himself showed up and converted all Catholics to Orthodoxy.