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Go with her if you want to live!
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Feb 1, 2014 18:35
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| # ? Jun 8, 2024 07:55 |
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Your post makes no sense since it's now TOTP.
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Feb 1, 2014 21:58
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Splizwarf posted:Go with her if you want to live! Live with her if you want to come.
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Feb 8, 2014 18:47
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Dead Blue Sky posted:Live with her if you want to come. live with come if you want to i guess
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Feb 8, 2014 19:44
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A zebra and a penguin go to the photographer's to get their picture taken for their passport. Once on the spot, the photographers asks them: Would you like it in color or black and white?
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Feb 11, 2014 11:36
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Mister Blueberry posted:A zebra and a penguin go to the photographer's to get their picture taken for their passport. 
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Feb 11, 2014 23:45
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Once upon a time, there was a monastery high in the Himalayas. One night, a storm blew up and a traveller came knocking at the door of the monastery, asking to shelter from the weather. "Certainly," the lama said, and invited him in. "It's almost dark, so why don't you stay the night here until the storm abates?" The traveller gratefully accepted. After a very welcome dinner, the traveller spent the evening telling the monks of his adventures, while the monks told him stories of their own and helped him to join in their meditation and prayers. The lama showed the traveller to the bedroom next to his own, sparsely furnished with a bunk and a small altar, and they wished each other a good night. The lama sat in his room in perfect silence, finished his evening meditation, blew out his candle and climbed into bed. No sooner had his head touched the bunk that he heard: click... clack... fiddly... ping... click... clack... fiddly... ping... click... clack... fiddly... ping... ...coming from the next room. "How strange," he thought. "Still, it's only quiet. I expect it's some practice the guy has where he comes from. We do our meditations, he does... whatever that is. I must be accepting of it." So he rolled over and settled down to sleep. click... clack... fiddly... ping... click... clack... fiddly... ping... click... clack... fiddly... ping... He could still hear it through the wall, keeping him awake. "Okay, breathe deeply, recognise its existence and gently put it out of your mind. Nothing is worth making a fuss about. The Buddha wouldn't get upset over a silly noise." And he tried to meditate and rise above the annoying sound. click... clack... fiddly... ping... click... clack... fiddly... ping... click... clack... fiddly... ping... The next morning, the lama had had no sleep at all. He caught himself feeling a little grumpy at morning prayers and found it hard to concentrate on his reading, but he put it out of his mind. At breakfast, the traveller and all the other monks seemed perfectly well rested. Had he just imagined that noise that kept him up the entire night? Perhaps he had. The storm had still raged on all that day, so the traveller asked if he could stay another night. "Why not," said the lama. "We're always open to those in need." But also, he was darkly curious if he would hear that noise again. That night, the lama put his ear to the wall. Nothing - perfect silence. So he blew out his candle and climbed into bed, and felt himself start to drift off to sleep... click... clack... fiddly... ping... click... clack... fiddly... ping... click... clack... fiddly... ping... "Not again!" he grumbled. "But," he told himself, "I must not give in to anger. Lamas all through history have dealt with far worse than this and stayed calm. How can I face the monks if I get angry over a bit of noise?" click... clack... fiddly... ping... click... clack... fiddly... ping... click... clack... fiddly... ping... At around 3AM after another sleepless night and having exhausted every yogic technique he knew to calm himself down, the lama had had enough. "Maybe just finding out what's making that noise would put my mind at ease. It would be wrong to spy on him, but it's better than getting so angry with the poor man." So the lama got up, and as soon as his feet touched the floor, the sound stopped. He gathered his robes, opened the dor and snuck out into the corridor. His eyes adjusted to the darkness, and he turned the corner to the traveller's room and slowly eased the door open a crack. He peered through into the dark room to see the traveller lying asleep in his bunk, as if nothing had happened. Nothing had changed in the room; there was the bed, and there was the altar with the picture of the Buddha looking back at the lama. He felt a twinge of guilt, and looked away. All that was new was the traveller's small knapsack, sitting at the foot of of the bed. "Forgive me," the lama said to himself as he crept into the room, knelt down and opened the traveller's bag. In the darkness, he could barely make out the small collection of objects in there. But as he groped around in the bag, he felt: a smooth apple, a dimpled orange and a short piece of hairy string. There were no pockets on the bag, and nothing else in the room. An apple, an orange, and a piece of string. The lama went back to bed, more confused and upset than ever. By now the sun was coming up and he'd had another whole night with no sleep, and he'd broken his vow to abstain from taking that which was not his - he'd rifled through their guest's belongings. And to add insult to injury, as soon as he climbed back into bed, again he heard... click... clack... fiddly... ping... click... clack... fiddly... ping... click... clack... fiddly... ping... ...and wept softly into his sheets. That morning at breakfast, the lama, with eyes red and streaming, approached the traveller. "Please. I'm so sorry. I have to confess. Last night, I looked through your things." The traveller grabbed his sleeve and took him aside, away from the other monks. "What?" he hissed. "Don't think I don't appreciate your hospitality, but why would you invade my privacy like that?" The lama broke down in tears. "I just had to find out what was making that awful sound. Click... Clack... Fiddly... Ping. It's kept me awake two nights now. I can feel myself losing my mental resolve. Everything I studied for and dedicated my life to is slipping away from me, I had to know what's making that sound!" "Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realise it was keeping anyone awake. Please, you should have said. It's just... very personal to me." "I see," said the lama. The sky was clearing, and there were even a few patches of blue amongst the stormclouds. "I suppose I'll be moving on this afternoon. Thank-you for letting me stay, I'm so sorry about the noise," the traveller said, and headed back to his room to get his bag. "Wait! Before you leave... please, would you tell me what you were doing all night? How you made those noises with an apple, an orange, and a piece of string?" The traveller locked eyes with the lama. "Rinpoche, you must understand, this is deeply personal and private for me. I will tell you, but you must swear to never tell another living soul." And because the lama was a good, holy man, he kept his word.
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Feb 12, 2014 22:04
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Hahaha gently caress youuuuuuuuuuu nicely played
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Feb 12, 2014 23:51
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I thought I was being clever when I made this one up, but apparently the joke has been done (and no offense intended, I just like the alliteration). Where do Muslims go before seeing a movie in the theatre? The Allahu Snackbar
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Feb 12, 2014 23:58
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Stottie Kyek posted:And because the lama was a good, holy man, he kept his word. Well played, Stottie Kyek. Well played.
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Feb 13, 2014 00:39
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Stottie Kyek posted:And because the lama was a good, holy man, he kept his word. You dirty motherfucker. 
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Feb 13, 2014 00:41
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Stottie Kyek posted:And because the lama was a good, holy man, he kept his word. You son of a bitch.
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Feb 13, 2014 00:58
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Heard this from a Muslimah coworker: "Yeah, I'm a quarter Latina, I bet you didn't know. My grandmother converted to Islam when she married my grandfather, but she kept her own traditions, so every year on his birthday she would make him inshallah-das." (Still don't know if the ancestry is just part of the joke, as she sauntered away before I could finish choking on my coffee.)
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Feb 13, 2014 09:21
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You know what I just can't stand? Paraplegics
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Feb 13, 2014 20:58
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elise the great posted:Heard this from a Muslimah coworker: Heard a story from an Indian coworker lately. Both he and his wife were here in England, on temporary contracts with local firms, and someone had suggested that while he was here, he should visit an English church to see the beautiful architecture, stained-glass, carvings and so forth. The guy had his doubts - he wasn't a Christian, so didn't think he'd be welcome. However, his colleague assured him that everyone was welcome in church, so he put on his smartest suit, his wife put on her best sari, and they travelled to a fine medieval church in a nearby village. As they entered the church, they were struck by its beauty, and - what luck! - a traditional church service was in progress. However, as they walked in the vicar seemed distracted for a moment, and a few people turned around to look at them. Uncomfortable, they stood still in the aisle, trying not to disrupt anything. Still, people continued to look round and shoot them odd glances. The Indian man was increasingly concerned. Where was the warm welcome? Were he and his wife wrongly dressed? Had they walked into a church full of bigots? A low murmur swept through the church, the uncomfortable glances continued, and eventually, an old man by the aisle leaned over and whispered to my coworker. "Did you know the person?" "Uh... know the person?" "The person who died" Galaspar has a new favorite as of 00:01 on Feb 14, 2014 |
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Feb 13, 2014 23:58
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Have you heard about the new 'Hitler Apartments'? They're promising more living room for German residents. :obscurehistoricaljoke:
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Feb 15, 2014 17:35
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RillAkBea posted:Have you heard about the new 'Hitler Apartments'? I just hope gas isn't included. 
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Feb 15, 2014 18:19
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RillAkBea posted:Have you heard about the new 'Hitler Apartments'? The Swiss beat you to this.....uh......joke. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvPBQ2ge2eo
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Feb 16, 2014 07:16
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Meningism posted:Once upon a time, there was a headstrong young lady who made some poor decisions in her life, and ended up teen-pregnant. With no way to support the child, she was faced with a hard decision. After much soul-searching, she decided to carry the child to term, and then put it up for adoption. Come the big day, it turns out that she was carrying identical twins! She tearfully parts ways and continues with her life. In the fullness of time, She meets a nice, easy-going man who loves her and they start a family together and raise their kids happily. Still, the woman still wonders what happened to her the twins she gave up. ### We seem to share a taste for the same jokes, thanks for that one, didn't know it. I know the one with the snake, but not the one with the prawn? I found this, is it the one you meant? (if not, please tell it): ### Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn! With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punchline does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again". Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked". Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed......... I'm a prawn again Christian...!!!" cyfad has a new favorite as of 08:45 on Mar 3, 2014 |
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Mar 3, 2014 00:14
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Hah poo poo that was so bad and good at the same time. I wish there were a way to tell that joke in another language.
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Mar 3, 2014 00:57
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What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish a race.
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Mar 3, 2014 02:29
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Royal W posted:What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? In a similar vein: What's the difference between Ronald Reagan and Adolf Hitler? Well, one was a murderous, racist, warmongering bigot who ransacked his country's treasury to enrich a small band of oligarchs and stained his country's reputation for generations to come. The other was born in Austria.
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Mar 3, 2014 05:51
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I left this on the delivery instructions for today's mail carrier: Where does bread go to get a tan? At the Toast Office. I hope I brighten that poor bastard's day.
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Mar 5, 2014 01:54
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So there's a circus in town featuring an underwater sumo wrestling match between two Spanish goldfish, trained in Japan. Apparently they're calling the act Dos-Koi.
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Mar 5, 2014 03:01
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Raitzeno posted:So there's a circus in town featuring an underwater sumo wrestling match between two Spanish goldfish, trained in Japan. Apparently they're calling the act Dos-Koi. I have absolutely no idea what this is referencing. A google search on Dos-Koi gives me the Dragon Ball wiki and a One Piece reference.
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Mar 5, 2014 06:37
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(Try spelling it Dosukoi.)
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Mar 5, 2014 14:03
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I saw this on a Laffy Taffy wrapper and while most of them are the most nonsensical 2nd grade jokes ever, this one made me  What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow? Reality.
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Mar 5, 2014 15:40
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Way way back, thousands of years ago... God is going around his creation, trying to get people to accept some of his commandments. He meets some Italians. "Hey, I've got some commandments here. You want them?" "Maybe. What are they?" "Well, here's one: Thou shalt not steal." The Italians look at him and shake their heads. "Sorry, no, that's kind of our thing." And so, God moves on. He meets some French people. "Hey, I've got some commandments here. You want them?" "Maybe. What are they?" "Well, here's one: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." The Frenchmen look at him and shake their heads. "Sorry, no, that's kind of our thing." And so, God moves on. He meets some Germans. "Hey, I've got some commandments here. You want them?" "Maybe. What are they?" "Well, here's one: Thou shalt not kill." The Germans look at him and shake their heads. "Sorry, no, that's kind of our thing." And so, God moves on. He meets some Jews. "Hey, I've got some commandments here. You want them?" "Maybe. How much are they?" "Nothing, they're free." "In that case, we'll take ten."
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Mar 7, 2014 20:26
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Man: I know this place that has some great peanut chicken, maybe we can grab a bite to eat after work and then head back to my place? Woman: Uhh... I'm actually allergic to nuts... Man: It's okay, I've had a vasectomy.
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Apr 9, 2014 03:54
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Raitzeno posted:Man: I know this place that has some great peanut chicken, maybe we can grab a bite to eat after work and then head back to my place? Vasectomies do not remove your testicles!
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Apr 9, 2014 06:16
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Which three soccer teams have swear words in their names? Arsenal, Scunthorpe, and Manchester loving United.
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Apr 9, 2014 06:30
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Raitzeno posted:Man: I know this place that has some great peanut chicken, maybe we can grab a bite to eat after work and then head back to my place? I've actually used this as a pickup line... man: want to go to my place for a gently caress and a pizza? woman:  man: what!? you don't like pizza?
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Apr 24, 2014 13:07
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When is a pixie not a pixie? When he's got his head under a fairy's skirt... then he's a goblin
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Apr 25, 2014 05:40
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You guys know about the friend of the family human being that went to the bar owned by a loving rear end in a top hat? The friend of the family human being goes into the bar and says "hey, you loving rear end in a top hat!", to which the other replies "what do you want, friend of the family human being?". He replies, "A beer, please"
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Apr 28, 2014 18:34
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Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
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Apr 28, 2014 19:34
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How many South Americans does it take to host the World Cup? ...a Brazilian!
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Apr 29, 2014 02:26
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Dave and Tom go out for drinks one night and Tom starts ordering shots: Dave-"no no no my wife will kill me if I go home drunk again" Tom- "Don't worry we will be fine" They have a few shots and Dave pukes all over himself Dave-" Ah gently caress my wife is going to kill me" Tom- "don't worry, tell your wife a bum puked all over you and gave you 10 bucks to cover the dry cleaning" *tom slips a $10 bill into Daves shirt pocket* The night goes on and they continue drinking. Dave goes home and passes out just inside the font door of his house. Dave's wife comes down in the morning seeing him sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs. Wife- "you got hammered last night didn't you, look at your shirt!" Dave-"no, no a bum puked on me and gave me $10 for the dry cleaning!" the Wife reaches in the top pocket and pulls the money out Wife- There's $20 in here..." Dave- "oh, he poo poo my pants too.."
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Apr 29, 2014 06:12
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So a German and a Jew are having a walk through nature. After a few hours, they reach a river. There's no bridge in sight. They discuss their options for a bit, and finally decide they'll try to cross it. The German removes his shoe and puts his toes in the water. He suddenly withdraws them and exclaims: "Ow! That's really loving cold, I'm not gonna cross it like this." The Jew lies down and puts his face in the water. A moment later, he turns to the German and says: "It's really loving deep, too."
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Apr 29, 2014 21:18
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I don't...think I get it?
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Apr 30, 2014 09:16
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| # ? Jun 8, 2024 07:55 |
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Jews have big noses herp derp
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Apr 30, 2014 09:21
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