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jfc these semantic arguments  The Unholy Ghost posted:If I'm a virgin, can I kind of use this as a dating advice thread? you should just ask her if she wants to grab a coffee or lunch or something after you see her in class or at a club meeting. just be casual! you are interested in her and want to get to know her better, so find a place where you can chat and hang out. colleges tend to have movie showings and comedy shows and interesting stuff happening so you could also invite her to one of those. good luck 
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Mar 19, 2014 20:59
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Skilleddk posted:i also play video games Aw man, I was hoping you were quoting the post immediately above.
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Mar 19, 2014 21:02
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Man you guys always say to get therapy but i looked at the list of therapists in my city one time and they were all like 40+ and I'm only 21. I'm pretty sure inter-generational empathy doesn't exist, so how can therapy be helpful?
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Mar 19, 2014 21:05
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ejstheman posted:No, I don't think that they should give suggestions, actually. Telling people what to do is a complete non-starter, no matter how great your expertise or how sincerely benign your intentions. Sexhaver's Journal. October 12th, 1985: Used condoms in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. These forums are afraid of me. I have seen their true face. These posters are extended gutters and the gutters are full of depression and when the drains finally scab over, all the goons will drown. The accumulated filth of all their anime and Let's Plays will foam up about their waists and all the losers and virgins will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper "no."
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Mar 19, 2014 21:12
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The Unholy Ghost posted:I'm a college freshman and there's this girl I know that I want to date. She's around 3-4 years older than me and seems to be experienced with dating. I have her in a class, and she sometimes comes to a club I'm in, but I have no idea how to somehow ask to meet her elsewhere without sounding like a creep. Just walk up to her and ask her if she wants to go on a date with you. Specifically say date, ambiguity is really bad if it leads the girl to wind up on a date not expecting one.
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Mar 19, 2014 21:24
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ChairMaster posted:Man you guys always say to get therapy but i looked at the list of therapists in my city one time and they were all like 40+ and I'm only 21. I'm pretty sure inter-generational empathy doesn't exist, so how can therapy be helpful? The best therapist I ever had was almost 60 years old. I am not even close to that age.
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Mar 19, 2014 21:43
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ChairMaster posted:Man you guys always say to get therapy but i looked at the list of therapists in my city one time and they were all like 40+ and I'm only 21. I'm pretty sure inter-generational empathy doesn't exist, so how can therapy be helpful? This is a joke post, right? I really hope it is. Therapists are professionals. They have, in many cases, spent much of their adult lives improving the existences of people just like you. Their age is irrelevant to the aim of seeing them: improving your mental health. You aren't there to find your best new drinking buddy in a therapist. This sounds like you're making an excuse not to get therapy, so just stop it.
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Mar 19, 2014 21:43
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The Unholy Ghost posted:If I'm a virgin, can I kind of use this as a dating advice thread? I think I know what you mean about not being sure what "liking" means. Something that might be related came up in my life a while back. A few years ago, my new year's resolution was not to be afraid to ask people to spend time with me. I was a friend-of-a-friend of Alice, and I thought she was pretty cool. So I asked Alice to be friends, and she said "no." Something like "oh that's cool, but I actually have a ton going on right now, and if I'm honest/realistic about my schedule, that's not going to happen." At the time, I figured that was that, but she's still in my social circle, so we're still kind of around one another. Fast forward about a year, and I'm talking to my friend Barbara, who had a thing with Alice at one point, but now they're just friends who make out sometimes. I forget how we got on the subject, but apparently, Alice told Barbara about her conversation with me, and so I was lucky enough to hear Alice's side of the story as well, via Barbara. Turns out, just like I'm not sure what I mean when I say "friends," other people aren't sure what I mean when I say it, either. Alice didn't say "no" because she knew what I wanted and she definitely didn't want that; she said "no" because she DIDN'T know what I wanted, and she didn't want to agree to an unknown. That makes perfect sense in retrospect, but at the time, it felt dishonest for me to be asking about specific things, and kind of leading towards something that I'm thinking of but not saying. Barbara suggested that I ask Alice to do specific things, instead of asking for an undefined relationship status change, so that Alice would know what she was deciding on. So I've been doing that, and I've been hanging out with Alice more and more, and I suspect that we'll eventually qualify for whatever your favorite definition of "friends" is, if we don't already. By trying to label the relationship before it really started, I almost killed it in its cradle. Caveat: I hang out with a specific group of people who have a lot of nontraditional relationships... obviously your mileage may vary, especially if you don't do that. If you're in a community that has a more well-defined meaning assigned to "friend" and "like" and all those sorts of words, it may make more sense to label stuff right off the bat and save time. Anyway, I wish you luck. Let us know what you did and how it went!
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Mar 19, 2014 21:46
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ChairMaster posted:Man you guys always say to get therapy but i looked at the list of therapists in my city one time and they were all like 40+ and I'm only 21. I'm pretty sure inter-generational empathy doesn't exist, so how can therapy be helpful? You are gonna need to entertain the idea that many things you're Pretty Sure about are actually harmful self-defeating bullshit
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Mar 19, 2014 21:47
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Pycckuu posted:
This is brilliant. ChairMaster posted:Man you guys always say to get therapy but i looked at the list of therapists in my city one time and they were all like 40+ and I'm only 21. I'm pretty sure inter-generational empathy doesn't exist, so how can therapy be helpful? Was this a serious post? Sometimes it's hard for me to tell.
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Mar 19, 2014 21:49
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Not trying to dogpile on ChairMaster, but I think it'd be kind of funny to have peer therapists that are organized into blocks of age brackets. A 13 year old's sessions consists of wedgies and being told to stop being such an emo bitch.
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Mar 19, 2014 21:54
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we should probably move the thread back to gbs at this point, or possibly games.
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Mar 19, 2014 21:57
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Back to? I assumed from the title it was originally from A/T.
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Mar 19, 2014 21:59
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Sexgun Rasputin posted:we should probably move the thread back to gbs at this point, or possibly games. Disagreed. The virgoon thread is an E/N classic and belongs here.
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Mar 19, 2014 22:04
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self pity is disgusting
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Mar 19, 2014 22:14
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Sexgun Rasputin posted:self pity is disgusting Agreed, these people should feel terrible about themselves
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Mar 19, 2014 22:53
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I personally disagree with the suggestions to use the word "date" in asking, in that situation anyway. Just ask if she wants to get coffee or something to eat at a certain time. I feel like casual date is kind of implied. That's just me though.
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Mar 19, 2014 23:03
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it's ok to be depressed obvs but being comically defeatist and self pitying about a thing that is merely difficult is a choice. it is like being an able bodied person, looking at a weight that is slightly too heavy for you to lift, and saying "i will never, ever lift this thing. it is impossible. you will never understand. now let me get back to sonic: lost world" expressing that feeling to other people is extremely inappropriate. don't do it anymore. it's bad. people say go to a therapist, because the only way anyone would tolerate a person saying that to them is if they were being paid cash money. bootstraps is bad economic policy because it relies on ignoring the outside factors actively preventing people from achieving financial success. to cry bootstraps in the virgoon thread is to suggest some kind of conspiracy against your genitals, which is lol.
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Mar 19, 2014 23:14
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lidnsya posted:I personally disagree with the suggestions to use the word "date" in asking, in that situation anyway. Just ask if she wants to get coffee or something to eat at a certain time. I feel like casual date is kind of implied. That's just me though. That's ambiguous because you could genuinely just be hanging out. Explicitly saying "date" does no harm, and reduces the chance that the girl finding herself in a situation she didn't think she was agreeing to to zero. You feel like it's implied, but it's really not, especially depending on your choice activity.
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Mar 19, 2014 23:21
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lidnsya posted:I personally disagree with the suggestions to use the word "date" in asking, in that situation anyway. Just ask if she wants to get coffee or something to eat at a certain time. I feel like casual date is kind of implied. That's just me though. Considering how this dude seems like he lacks self-confidence, he might end up unintentionally implying he simply wants to hang out, so that's a bad idea. He loses nothing by explicitly saying it's a date either and it bypasses the whole possibility of him finding out she has a boyfriend later. Men and women can have dinner together or go to the bar without being romantically interested, you know, and I don't think that's what he wants that with this particular girl. Cough Drop The Beat fucked around with this message at 03:36 on Mar 20, 2014 |
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Mar 19, 2014 23:55
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Sexgun Rasputin posted:it's ok to be depressed obvs but being comically defeatist and self pitying about a thing that is merely difficult is a choice. it is like being an able bodied person, looking at a weight that is slightly too heavy for you to lift, and saying "i will never, ever lift this thing. it is impossible. you will never understand. now let me get back to sonic: lost world" you should tell the psychologists about this new theory you have of real v fake depression, and how you can tell which is which over the internet they will surely listen and probably make you IK of the APA
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Mar 20, 2014 00:01
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ejstheman posted:you should tell the psychologists about this new theory you have of real v fake depression, and how you can tell which is which over the internet this is a total non sequiter, why did you post it
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Mar 20, 2014 00:51
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It's a bit of a jump to reconcile the rear end in a top hat argument "Real men don't make excuses" with the equally rear end in a top hat argument that because you have a disease, you're never going to have nice things. Neither statement is 100% true. They're both generalizations. Yes, generally speaking, we look to have an internal locus of control. There's this idea that we ought to have agency over our bodies, our minds, that we have a say in our own reality. This is a healthy thing to have. However, laymen who don't understand psychology go too far in this direction. They'll completely discount external stimulus as a legitimate factor in what can make you happy, successful, et cetera. So what's the real answer? Speaking as someone with clinical depression, the answer isn't "Just do it", and it certainly isn't "Don't even try". What do you get when you blend the two? Well, you get struggle. For all those inspirational success stories of someone who overcame their disease, or someone who overcame say, their blindness, poverty, paralysis, whatever, there's at least someone else who could not hack it. The sad truth is you might fail. You might never achieve the success you want. In life, in dating, in a career. You can do literally everything right, and still fail. Life is like that sometimes. This isn't an excuse to not try. If what you want is possible, there is one excuse to not try, and one only. The excuse is "I don't actually want it." Effectively living with depression and anxiety isn't about "manning up" or "picking yourself up by your bootstraps". It's about making incremental successes where you can. It might take you a while to reach this point, but what you need to do to effectively manage your depression is to start enjoying progress. This includes failure. It's hard to adequately find a word for. "Spiritual" comes to mind. You have to put yourself into a mode where the journey is what's important.
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Mar 20, 2014 01:33
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Veryslightlymad posted:Effectively living with depression and anxiety isn't about "manning up" or "picking yourself up by your bootstraps". It's about making incremental successes where you can. It might take you a while to reach this point, but what you need to do to effectively manage your depression is to start enjoying progress. This includes failure. It's hard to adequately find a word for. "Spiritual" comes to mind. You have to put yourself into a mode where the journey is what's important.  Very inspirational. Thank you.
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Mar 20, 2014 02:02
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FoolyCharged posted:That's ambiguous because you could genuinely just be hanging out. Explicitly saying "date" does no harm, and reduces the chance that the girl finding herself in a situation she didn't think she was agreeing to to zero. You feel like it's implied, but it's really not, especially depending on your choice activity. You guys might be right. I am just thinking how I would react. If someone straight up said date to me, but I wasn't interested in them romantically, I would probably turn them down. But if someone asked me for coffee or food then I would go either way. I guess it depends on if the dude is interested in being friends or only wants to date her.
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Mar 20, 2014 03:06
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Ainsley McTree posted:Agreed, these people should feel terrible about themselves This except unironically. Self loathing can be a great motivator.
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Mar 20, 2014 04:03
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lidnsya posted:You guys might be right. I am just thinking how I would react. If someone straight up said date to me, but I wasn't interested in them romantically, I would probably turn them down. But if someone asked me for coffee or food then I would go either way. I guess it depends on if the dude is interested in being friends or only wants to date her. That's a false dichotomy. Usually if a guy wants to date someone, he'd also enjoy being friends with her but prefers dating. Asking to just hang out creates problems because it's unclear, and you could be in a situation where a guy meant to ask you on a date and you're going as a friend. It's better for both people to be on the same page.
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Mar 20, 2014 04:37
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My issue is that it just feels really awkward to shoehorn the word "date" in there, e.g "would you like to go on a date for some coffee?". But then again the mere act of asking someone out feels really awkward for me, so I'm probably talking out my rear end here. 
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Mar 20, 2014 05:02
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Jabarto posted:My issue is that it just feels really awkward to shoehorn the word "date" in there, e.g "would you like to go on a date for some coffee?". But then again the mere act of asking someone out feels really awkward for me, so I'm probably talking out my rear end here. Jabarto, you're really cool. I don't suppose you wanna come out with me on a date sometime? There's this coffee place that I like a lot and they're right by a park we could hang out at after, if you're free this weekend. (Also, if you're an awkward person, anyone you spend time around will probably figure that out so it's not like that single act of you fumbling your words or whatever is going to come as a great surprise or change her willingness to date you.) Colin Mockery fucked around with this message at 05:49 on Mar 20, 2014 |
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Mar 20, 2014 05:41
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Veryslightlymad posted:It's a bit of a jump to reconcile the rear end in a top hat argument "Real men don't make excuses" with the equally rear end in a top hat argument that because you have a disease, you're never going to have nice things. This guy gets it.
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Mar 20, 2014 05:58
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Does gay sex count as losing your virginity if you're straight and just settled since you're cripplingly afraid of women?
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Mar 20, 2014 06:32
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Motherfucker posted:Does gay sex count as losing your virginity if you're straight and just settled since you're cripplingly afraid of women? Depends if you were catching or pitching
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Mar 20, 2014 07:02
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Jabarto posted:My issue is that it just feels reallyawkward to shoehorn the word "date" in there, e.g "would you like to go on a date for some coffee?". Yes, this! It's just an awkward thing to say. I have only had a guy say "so do you want to go on a date?" once and that was after making out with a friend who said it to be funny. To me it's a weird thing to hear or say. Just go for loving coffee and if you hit it off then ask her on a real date.
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Mar 20, 2014 07:08
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I was under the impression that asking someone out for coffee is pretty much understood as asking someone out for a date. A couple months ago, I finally sacked up and asked this girl I liked. We were talking, and I said something like "Hey, I should let you go, but do you want to pick this up later over some coffee?" As it turns out, she had a boyfriend, but it was surprisingly not awkward. It was actually quite a relief- had I not been working on my issues, I probably wouldn't have asked her out and pined over her for months, while here I didn't really have anything invested.
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Mar 20, 2014 07:23
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Sunshine89 posted:I was under the impression that asking someone out for coffee is pretty much understood as asking someone out for a date. It's probably a regional or age-based difference, then. Coffee is the lifeblood of a university student and friends drink coffee together all the time. I have a friend who gets coffee or eats lunch with me every week, but we're not interested in dating.
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Mar 20, 2014 07:50
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Sunshine89 posted:A couple months ago, I finally sacked up and asked this girl I liked. We were talking, and I said something like "Hey, I should let you go, but do you want to pick this up later over some coffee?" As it turns out, she had a boyfriend, but it was surprisingly not awkward. It was actually quite a relief- had I not been working on my issues, I probably wouldn't have asked her out and pined over her for months, while here I didn't really have anything invested. e: as far as coffee dates go yeah you can't assume anyone will realize it's a date. Same goes for most activities really, it's not a date if you don't call it one. I've had several gal pals complain about guys that had assumed that their coffees or lunches were all romantic dates even though they were just trying to be friends. ArbitraryC fucked around with this message at 08:02 on Mar 20, 2014 |
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Mar 20, 2014 07:54
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AATREK CURES KIDS posted:It's probably a regional or age-based difference, then. Coffee is the lifeblood of a university student and friends drink coffee together all the time. I have a friend who gets coffee or eats lunch with me every week, but we're not interested in dating. Coffee is not a guarantee of a date. Coffee, ice cream, even goddamn dinner is a thing that people who enjoy conversation with each other do from time to time. "Dating" is a nebulous thing. Like, you're not romantically involved with someone until you start making romantic gestures toward one another. You gotta let them know somehow that you're actually interested in them. I'll defer to the experts on this one. And you, apparently, have to be really obvious. I had a long-distance thing going with this Korean girl for about three months. We'd grab lunch or coffee or dessert or something when I was in town. Sometimes we'd walk with our arms around each other. I taught her how to bowl and literally did that thing (Edit: At her prompting) where you guide the other person's body with your own to make sure their mechanics are correct. I thought we were dating. My friends thought we were dating. Her friends thought we were dating. Apparently she didn't, and was surprised when I tried to kiss her. I cannot overstate the necessity for good communication. Nothing is an "obvious date". My best friend has had a few girls basically use him as a gently caress buddy when he thought there was more there.
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Mar 20, 2014 08:42
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Veryslightlymad posted:It's a bit of a jump to reconcile the rear end in a top hat argument "Real men don't make excuses" with the equally rear end in a top hat argument that because you have a disease, you're never going to have nice things. This is a pretty good post IMO. Some people earlier were making points like "If you're not having sex you're probably literally insane, because there are people in the world with big problems who have sex" or "it is very easy to form romantic relationships if you're not some weirdo basement dweller, because there exist in the world people who are unattractive or have anxiety or whatevs who have romantic relationships," and I kind of got the impression (although I may be incorrect) that ejstheman was, in part, arguing specifically against those points of view. Motherfucker posted:Does gay sex count as losing your virginity if you're straight and just settled since you're cripplingly afraid of women? Your username makes me think you might've asked a similar but slightly different question, to which I think the general response would be 'no, that's basically an own goal.'
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Mar 20, 2014 08:46
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A Melted Tarp posted:Self loathing can be a great motivator.
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Mar 20, 2014 09:51
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Chairchucker posted:Your username makes me think you might've asked a similar but slightly different question, to which I think the general response would be 'no, that's basically an own goal.' you got me you sneaky Chairchucker
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Mar 20, 2014 10:09
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