Facepalm Ranger posted:

Here's a good one from tumblr


This has all the classic flags, cartoon like villains, acting out at work place, coincidental solution so that the poster doesn't actually have to face any real confrontation, being told off by boss but then praised instead.

moerketid posted:

It's like something that came out of the STDH generator and just cobbles together places, names, poor spelling, and ideas.

moerketid posted:

I am genuinely confused where this is meant to take place. The dialect makes it seem like it's the UK or maybe Australia, and to my knowledge Bounty bars aren't sold in the US. Yet it uses clothes sizes which only exist in the US? It's like something that came out of the STDH generator and just cobbles together places, names and ideas.

Tracula posted:

BioEnchanted posted:

I can believe that one honestly.

no_shit_columbo posted:

Because obviously the medical industry is hell bent on pushing their fat-phobic agendas, and fat people are totally healthy.

big mean giraffe posted:

Idiot can't spell queue either.

Not My Leg posted:

Que?

quote:

It's my first post. Be gentle, but know I like it kinky.

In Junior High, there was this little pricks who I'll reefer to as Darenmcasshole, or Daren for short, Scumbag Steve, and Scumbag Stacy. All throughout 7th, 8th, and 9th grade theybullied me to no end. I told them I'd get them one day, but every time they scoffed me off. The starting day of High school every one of them learned why the phrase is "Keep your friends close, but your enemies CLOSER is the way it is. Daren shoved me once, and I brought in some old friends.

This kid had punched me, thrown me against brick walls, hit my face with a dodgeball on numerous occasions, and, hell, even gave me a few black eyes. He pushed me down a hill near the school, tried to hit me with a baseball bat in the head once, and bullied me into doing his work. School refused to do anything short of detention.

Keep in mind, I was the son of a dance instructor. I got to know A LOT of high schoolers, and at the time, could probably have kicked his rear end with grace, technique, and rhythm. However, I wanted this revenge to be sweet. Tangy sweet. The kind of sweet revenge that's been slow roasting in a crockpot for years. I knew he was going to bully me, and so, during the summer, asked a lot of the friends that were in high school already to help me kick his rear end to kingdom come. They asked some friends of their own, who I somewhat knew. By the end of the summer, I had a lot of help; more than I expected.

The plan changed dramatically, however. The high schoolers, in their infinite wisdom of torture, suggested that they get my bullies together somehow. They ended up volunteering to "show a few kids around" to help them get a hang of the building, and they requested those kids. The school was told that they knew them already, as they're both family friends, and that might help everyone out. The plan was simple, everyone met in the football field, which, because no sports had started, could be used for revenge. I could taste the sweet, tangy essence of evil.

One of my friends, let's call her Sasha, told me to wait there. She gave no further instruction, but for some reason had already told everyone that didn't have a "buddy" to wait there before me.

When they arrived in, I had to hold back finding and stroking a white cat.

All I heard of her was "...This is the stadium. This is where the school will teach you not to gently caress with people."

As those little pricks turned around, it felt as if you could just see the blood pouring from their faces.

They slammed Steve up against the wall and punched him in the gut. They let me hit rear end in a top hat in the balls while they held him down.

For Stacy, however, I had a different punishment. I wanted to smash little dear's face in flatter than a pancake. Ended up giving her the black eye and broken nose. I could have had much more done to them all, but I just wanted left alone.

They didn't dare tell a soul.

Tl;DR, I ate revenge soup.

NoUU posted:

"Honey, where did you get that black eye and broken nose?"

"Nowhere mom!"

NoUU posted:

"Honey, where did you get that black eye and broken nose?"

"Nowhere mom!"

Nth Doctor posted:

Why the gently caress is liking it kinky relevant information?

Aphtonites posted:

Found this on my Facebook feed this morning:

Zelder posted:

Ironically being a fat gently caress is the best form of birth control.

Tales of revenge that totally aren't made up posted:

You seem like the right person to tell this story to. I was working in a busy ER. We had a LOT of drug seekers. One of these was a scrawny, lippy little female, complaining of "back pain." The doctor ordered a shot of narcotic pain reliever (which I didn't want to give her, but Hey! orders are orders), so I prepared the syringe and returned to her room. I pulled back the curtain to see the little....darling posed naked from the waist down, on her hands and knees with her naked (spread) rear in the air. I guess I showed some surprise, because she smirked and told me, "This is the only position that relieves my back pain, it's called DOGGY STYLE!"

I said, "Never heard of it, please excuse me for a moment." I went back into the med room and exchanged the needle on my syringe for the one we called The Big Boy, which was an 18 gauge 1 1/2 inch whomper. I walked back in the room and held up the syringe. She said, "Uh, is that going to hurt?"

I said "Probably." I gave her the shot, and when I put the Bandaid on I hissed, "That's how nurses do it doggy style."

ibntumart posted:

Don't forget, though, dude's the son of a motherfuckin' dance instructor. If he had time to work up the choreography and funds to license some fight montage music and rent some dry ice and lasers, he'd "kick rear end with grace, technique, and rhythm."

ibntumart posted:

Not Always Galt posted:

I was riding on a [Railroad Company] train on my way to a very important meeting with my brother. I tried to stay awake, but unfortunately I fell asleep. When I woke up, the train had stopped in the middle of nowhere! I asked one of the other passengers about it, and he said we’d been standing for an hour. I immediately jumped up and ran to find the engineer. He and a bunch of other people, passengers and crew, were staring at a red light signal.

Me: What’s the matter?

Engineer: Red light, lady.

M: How long has it been on?

E: An hour.

M: We’re off the main track, aren’t we?

E: That’s right.

M: Why?

E: I don’t know.

Conductor: I don’t think we had any business being sent off on a siding, that switch wasn’t working right, and this thing [jerks his head towards the red light] is not working at all. I don’t think the signal’s going to change. I think it’s busted.

M: Then what are you doing?

C: Waiting for it to change.

Fireman: Last week, the crack special of [Rival Railroad] got left on a siding for two hours—just somebody’s mistake.

M: This is [Company Train]. The [Train] has never been late.

E: She’s the only one in the country that hasn’t.

F: There’s always a first time.

Passenger: You don’t know about railroads, lady. There’s not a signal system or a dispatcher in the country that’s worth a drat.

M (to engineer): If you know the signal is broken, what do you intend to do?

E (offended): Lady, I don’t intend to stick my neck out.

F: He means that our job’s to wait for orders.

M: Your job is to run this train.

F: Not against a red light. If the light says stop, we stop.

P: A red light means danger, lady.

E: We’re not taking any chances. Whoever’s responsible for it, he’ll switch the blame to us if we move. So we’re not moving till somebody tells us to.

M: And if nobody does?

E: Somebody will turn up sooner or later.

M: How long do you propose to wait?

E (shrugs): Who is John Galt?

F: He means don’t ask questions nobody can answer.

M: Proceed with caution to the next signal. If it’s in order, proceed to the main track. Then stop at the first open office.

E: Yeah? Who says so?

M: I do.

E: Who are you?

I tell him my name.

E: Good God!

F: Well, I’ll be!

M: Proceed to the main track and hold the train for me at the first open office.

E: Yes, Miss [Surname].

M: You’ll have to make up time. You’ve got the rest of the night to do it. Get the [Train] in on schedule.

E: Yes, Miss [Surname].

I turn to go, but the engineer stops me with a question.

E: If there’s any trouble, are you taking the responsibility for it, Miss [Surname]?

M: I am.

The conductor started following me back to my car. He was completely bewildered.

C: But . . . just a seat in a day coach, Miss [Surname]? But how come? But why didn’t you let us know?

M (smiling): Had no time to be formal. Had my own car attached to Number 22 out of Chicago, but got off at Cleveland—and Number 22 was running late, so I let the car go. The [Train] came next and I took it. There was no sleeping-car space left.

C: Your brother—he wouldn’t have taken a coach.

M: *laugh* No, he wouldn’t have.

I also happened to overhear the brakeman talking to the engineer as I left.

Brakeman (pointing at me): Who is that?

E (respectfully): That’s who runs [Railroad Company]. That’s the Vice-President in Charge of Operation.

Pththya-lyi posted:

I made a foolish promise to read Atlas Shrugged, and I’m honoring it. The very first chapter has an STDH-style story, so I'm writing it up for this thread. I removed or changed the descriptive phrases, but the only change I made to the dialogue was censoring the names of the companies, trains, and protagonist.


Translation: My train spent several hours standing because of a broken signal. I yelled at the crew and told them to get the train moving, but they didn't listen to me because I was just a regular passenger and had no authority over them.

Tracula posted:

It came from Reddit and I present you the epitome of gently caress YOU MOM AND DAD:

Tracula posted:

It came from Reddit and I present you the epitome of gently caress YOU MOM AND DAD:


That x4 with the little gold circle next to it means people thought that story was so moving that four people decided to buy reddit gold for the poster.

sweeperbravo posted:

How would this even work, like none of this makes sense. I know it's just weird revenge fantasy variant #82397 but it doesn't even make sense. Even going along with part of it, I'm pretty sure one of them would call the police at some point while at work (or on their "small dates" they're allowed to go on) seriously just stopppp tryingggg to wriiite

sharktamer posted:

Please submit this to not always working.

Pththya-lyi posted:

If there are any more plot beats that remind me strongly of STDH (and I expect there will be), I'll type up more Not Always Galts. Stay tuned!

quote:

Lost And Found Rebound
Resort | USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

(I work for a section of a resort that plans activities, sells discount cards for certain activities, etc. Our lost and found section is behind our desks, in the break room.)

Customer: “Have you had a brown purse turned in to your lost and found?”

Me: “Give me just one second and I’ll go back and see about that for you!”

Customer: “Can you make it quick? I really don’t have the time.”

(I go back and look for the purse in our lost and found. It is not there.)

Me: “Ma’am, I see no purses back there resembling the one you’ve described. You can fill out a lost item report and someone will call you if the item shows up.”

Customer: “I do not want to fill out a report! This is ridiculous! Let me see if it’s back there!”

(Customer charges back behind the desks, heading straight for me, full-steam ahead.)

Me: “Ma’am, you’re not allowed back there!”

(A manager sees what’s going on and comes over.)

Manager: “Ma’am, I can assure you. If my employee didn’t see your purse back there, it isn’t back there.”

Customer: “This is bulls***! Let me go back there!”

(Customer charges again, only to be held back by my manager.)

Manager: “Ma’am, could you give us a better description of the purse?”

Customer: “Oh, my god! It’s brown, and has one strap. It’s Coach. It has an iPhone, a Coach wallet, and a makeup bag inside it!”

Manager: “Does it resemble the purse hanging off your shoulder?”

(Customer looks at her shoulder and her mouth drops open.)

Customer: “You planted it on me while I wasn’t looking! You were going to steal it if I hadn’t come back here!”

Tracula posted:

Also related to the bank story... “This is your final warning! One more racist slur and I am closing your account.” Can a bank even do that? "Watch your tongue missy! We don't take kindly to your racism 'round here. Take your money and leave!"

Khazar-khum posted:

Planted.

walrusman posted:

From a few pages ago, but here's a picture of a charming chap that I saw in line at Chase (excuse me, [MAJOR BANKING INSTITUTION]) a couple years ago.



The teller that served him was Hispanic. Not one harsh word was exchanged.

quote:

In the moment, I wasn't even thinking about asking her out. All the times I spent socializing with other people has made this approach almost instinctual. This is one of the best loving days of my life. I was always so isolated, sheltered from feeling negative emotions, but I just found myself talking to an attractive girl without any initial fear.

A close representation of how my conversation went

Me: Hey, you look really bored

Heavenly blessed beauty: I am, don't tell.

Me: If I did, you probably wouldn't go out with me.

Heavenly blessed beauty: Haha, whaattttt?
"whoa what am I doing, does she actually like me?"

Me: What's your favorite food? Please don't say McDonald's or I'm outta here.

Heavenly blessed beauty: Haha, I like McDonald's but I really LOVE pasta, my parents use to make it every day and I never grew out of it. Weird, huh?
"completely overwhelmed"

Me: Okay, I'm going to take you to a nice Italian restaurant and I'm going to make you fall in love with me.

Heavenly blessed beauty: smiles Suree.

Me: Since we're going to go out together, tell me something interesting about yourself.

Heavenly blessed beauty: I went skydiving last week. I kinda lost a bet to a friend and had to do it.

Me: Wow, what a bitch.

Heavenly blessed beauty: Haha yea, I was completely freaked out at first but it felt really liberating afterwards.

Me: Cool, anyways I'm in a hurry so I'll save the questions for our friendly outing. What's your number?

Heavenly blessed beauty: --*** You forgot to tell me something interesting about you

Me: I haven't masturbated for 30 days.

Heavenly blessed beauty: hahaha, whatttttttt?

Me: I'll tell you about it later, I'll send you a witty text byee.
"Oh gently caress...definitely didn't mean to say that but I guess I still kept my cool"

AstroWhale posted:

Found a really dumb post on reddit from NoFap, where everyone seems to get a girl when they stop fapping.

http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/22bia3/i_asked_out_the_hot_receptionist_without_even/


"Heavenly blessed beauty"