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My wife is a nanny and one day at breakfast the young boy she watches says "I have a question, but it's rude." My wife wants the kids to be polite, but she thinks it's important for the kids to be able to ask her questions, so she says "we're done with breakfast, and your younger sister is gone, so it's okay if you ask me." He thinks about it for a minute, and then says "do snakes F?" This seems like it going to get awkward, but my wife wants to make sure, so she asks "I know it's a bad word, but it's okay to say it right now. What does 'F' mean?" "FART!" Unrelated to that kid. My wife and I went to a baseball game between the Nationals and Orioles, and a little kid next to us kept yelling "Booooooooo! The Orioles." whenever they were up to bat. The boo was intense, followed by a very matter of fact "The Orioles." It was important that everyone knew he wasn't booing the Nationals or just booing generally, he was booing the Orioles. This is now a joke with my wife and I; when either of us boos something we still tack on a matter of fact statement making it clear exactly who we're booing.
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Apr 22, 2014 18:04
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| # ? May 17, 2024 16:53 |
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My friend's kids got shown around our fire station the other day. They saw our engine and immediately proceeded to run and stand behind it. I thought they wanted to climb up and see stuff, but instead they stood there for a good 5 minutes imitating the back-up alarm. Literally just standing there going  BEEP BEEP BEEPEasily amused I guess v  v
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Apr 22, 2014 18:40
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Not My Leg posted:Unrelated to that kid. My wife and I went to a baseball game between the Nationals and Orioles, and a little kid next to us kept yelling "Booooooooo! The Orioles." whenever they were up to bat. The boo was intense, followed by a very matter of fact "The Orioles." It was important that everyone knew he wasn't booing the Nationals or just booing generally, he was booing the Orioles. This is now a joke with my wife and I; when either of us boos something we still tack on a matter of fact statement making it clear exactly who we're booing. When my niece was real little, she was in the room while I was watching a Red Sox game, and I was trying to get her excited and into the game. David Ortiz was up to bat and I was telling her that his nickname was "Big Papi" and poo poo, so she stands up and starts cheering "Yay! Gooo Big Puppy!" 
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Apr 23, 2014 03:31
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Kevyn posted:When my niece was real little, she was in the room while I was watching a Red Sox game, and I was trying to get her excited and into the game. David Ortiz was up to bat and I was telling her that his nickname was "Big Papi" and poo poo, so she stands up and starts cheering "Yay! Gooo Big Puppy!" When I was little there was apparently some guy called Tewkesbury on my hometeam, so whenever mom asked me who was pitching I'd squeak 'TEWKESBEWWY!' all excited that I knew a name from TV.
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Apr 23, 2014 07:17
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"Knock knock, who's there, poo poo!!!  HEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEE"
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Apr 23, 2014 11:18
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My nephew wanted to play Walking Dead with me. So he was the zombie and was coming after me and I pretended to be scared. He stopped what he was doing and told me, in a mocking kind of tone: "I'm not a real zombie. It's pretend. Why are you scared? Are you going to cry?"
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Apr 23, 2014 12:29
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"Joe McCarthy was a president in the 1920s who advocated for black equality and women's rights." Whoops, never mind, that was an 18-22 year old adult in college, not a kid.
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Apr 23, 2014 18:18
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J and N, my four year old twin nephews N: Okay you be the bad guy and I'll be the good guy, for a little while J: I don't wanna be the bad guy. He's bad  N: Yeah. He sucks 
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Apr 24, 2014 04:47
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Not My Leg posted:Unrelated to that kid. My wife and I went to a baseball game between the Nationals and Orioles, and a little kid next to us kept yelling "Booooooooo! The Orioles." whenever they were up to bat. The boo was intense, followed by a very matter of fact "The Orioles." It was important that everyone knew he wasn't booing the Nationals or just booing generally, he was booing the Orioles. This is now a joke with my wife and I; when either of us boos something we still tack on a matter of fact statement making it clear exactly who we're booing. Just curious, did the kid have an accent? This happened when I was at an Angel's game once and later found out that saying "the" in front of a team name was an australian (or british or something, I don't recall) thing. Although, maybe I was lied to because that's the only time i've heard that
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Apr 24, 2014 06:20
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The kid I was babysitting once spilled some water. Uh oh, you knocked over your water glass! No I didn't! The water...pushed it.
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Apr 24, 2014 22:22
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When my niece was first learning to talk, she pronounced "clock" as "cock." This was funny enough on its own, but one day we were all at my parents' house, and she pointed to this on the wall And announced to the entire family: "Look, a big black cock!"
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Apr 24, 2014 22:46
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Yesterday at work I had the pleasure of meeting an actual, well-behaved child! She was 4 years old, very cute and chatty and even helped me bag some groceries (her mom had bought a ton of candy bars for her deployed husband, so I let her put them in the bag while I took care of the heavier things.) At one point during the bagging this happened (roughly paraphrased): You don't want to stuff the bags too much, or the bottom of the bag will break and everything will fall out! If you put too much in the bag and you pick it up, your bones will get smuuuushed and then you'll turn into a baby! And then the babies will get EATEN. ...Unfortunately my manager called me away before we could continue this hilariously morbid discourse. Today my family and I went to my uncle's house to help him out with some arrangements regarding his wife's funeral, and in the midst of our reminiscing he pulled out a drawing from his desk that his son did in 3rd grade to show us. It was a stick figure with a big word bubble sticking out of it, saying 'gently caress you'. My uncle then explained that when he got called by his son's teachers about it, he replied "I think he's trying to spell 'fun'!"
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Apr 25, 2014 00:25
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Second hand, but it gets me in the emotions every time. My gal has an 8 year old. Couple years ago when it's time for him to go to preschool, mom (who is just SO protective and a worry wart) is freaking out on the school steps. Bawling, making sure he's got his sweater, his lunch, his shoes are tied. Hugging him, checking everything 3-4 times. Just can't bring herself to let him head into the classroom. So this champ pushes her by the shoulders, as far away as his short arms will do. Pats her on the head and says: "Mommy, I got this." and marches right into the classroom without a single look back. Follow up: This kid is 100 times the player I'll ever be. A month or two after the above bit, he falls off the climbing bars and breaks his radius or ulna (can't recall). I get a freaked out phone call to help her with him at the Dr. I get there, both of them are bawling. Him, cause it hurts. Her because he's bawling. I get them both calmed down, and the Dr. proceeds to set the bones, and then wrap the cast on his arm. We sit for a bit as it sets, he's still snuffling cause the painkillers aren't really helping. Then the nurse comes in to finish the visit. Now, she's 20 something, and really cute. This little guy, who can't be more than 6? Immediately stops crying, wipes his eyes and thrusts the cast forward with big puppy eyes. "Wanna sign my cast first? It'll make you my favorite!" Deal closed.
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Apr 25, 2014 02:36
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The new fashionable insult amongst my second graders is "baby underpants."
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Apr 25, 2014 03:09
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bringmyfishback posted:The new fashionable insult amongst my second graders is "baby underpants." My son will try to bribe people into saying "underwear" for him doing what they want.
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Apr 25, 2014 05:50
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My 2 year old just asked me "Can we go to the boobie store?" I told him "I wish," but it turns out he just wanted to rent a movie.
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Apr 26, 2014 14:19
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The older kid I nanny is REALLY into Greek mythology right now. She asked me who my favorite Greek goddess was and I told her Artemis, so now she likes to pretend to be Artemis  : Remember when I turned that guy Acon into a stag? : You mean Acteon?: Yeah, whatever. He's a stag now so who cares?
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Apr 27, 2014 05:42
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I was at Dairy Queen tonight and a kid told his dad the most wonderful joke. "Dad, why does DEREK work at Derek....Der...DEREK QUEEN. Dairy qu.........." *quietly eats blizzard* All throughout, his dad remained completely silent and just stared at him. Amazing. All on Black has a new favorite as of 09:35 on Apr 30, 2014 |
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Apr 30, 2014 09:21
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My brother and his family currently live with me and his 3 year old (B) says the most amazing things. The other morning I went into the kitchen: B: Are you going to make breakfast? Me: Yes. B: You don't have to make it. You can eat this! She hands me a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs. Me: I can have candy for breakfast? B: It's not just candy, it's chocolate candy! I took my nephew to see Captain America and B begged to get to go. I said no, but did ask why she wanted to see it. B: Cause he's beautiful! Yeah, can't argue with that. 
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May 1, 2014 04:19
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Kid on the train just saw an electricity pylon "Oh my god, there's the Eiffel tower!" I can't decide if he was trying to troll his brother or if he's never left the house before. Edit: "imagine you had all these seats in your room and your room was this long, it'd be amazing" as in the train carriage. Poor kid wants to live on the train. Clearly never allowed out of the house. Last one. He just gave his dad a really detailed plan on how to forge tax disks by stealing them from taxis and copying them on the computer. Can't decide if he's awesome or not. teenytinymouse has a new favorite as of 21:29 on May 1, 2014 |
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May 1, 2014 21:12
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My son (aged three) is not a fan of potty training. The other day he proudly told me that "when I'm a grown man, I'm going to buy some very big diapers and poop in them" 
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May 2, 2014 21:24
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rectal cushion posted:My son (aged three) is not a fan of potty training. The other day he proudly told me that "when I'm a grown man, I'm going to buy some very big diapers and poop in them" It's too late to fix him, from your username it seems to run in the family
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May 2, 2014 21:30
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And this morning he told me he'll never going to wash his penis, even as a grown man. I asked him how he's going to get it clean and he said I have to go to his house every day to wash it. Kid is creepy.
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May 3, 2014 08:49
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There's something to tell future girlfriends or boyfriends.
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May 3, 2014 12:44
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Child arguing with his mother, whom he calls by her name. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFYsJYPye94
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May 3, 2014 14:09
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Stealing this one from tumblr:quote:THE LITTLE KID NEXT DOOR JSUT OPENED HIS WINDOW AND YELLED “WHAT IS 27 PLUS 4” AND I YELLED “IT’S 31” AND HE SAID “THANK YOU GOD LADY” IM LAUGIHNG
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May 3, 2014 15:40
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A few weeks back, I had a few bottles of some local brand of cream soda. I forget the brand, but it comes in dark brown glass bottles. I decided to take a couple to the boys I babysit (5 and 6 years old) so they could try it. When I showed them, the younger of the two told me "That's BEER and daddy said we can't have beer anymore." When I asked the parents later, the dad said that he had caught the kids digging around in the recycling and using the old beer bottles for wind chimes, and he had told them they couldn't have the old beer bottles (both because of the beer stink and because they didn't want to deal with broken glass). This week when I went to watch them, they gave me this huge bottle of cream soda. I found out later from the mom that they had gone to the store, and they had said "WAIT MOM, Ms. of bees loooooooooves cream soda so we have to get her some NOW." They are some of the most dramatic kids ever, but they're so adorable
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May 3, 2014 16:04
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Overheard at a restaurant. 10ish yo boy "I'm like Bo Jackson, I'm invincible."
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May 4, 2014 00:06
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That makes me happy. Not just that today's 10 year olds know who Bo Jackson is, but that they have the same opinion of him that I had when I was 10.
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May 4, 2014 04:15
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I accidentally overheard this innocently asked at the store yesterday: "Mom, are you a chick?" For the record, the woman didn't look remotely like a type of fowl.  This is an anecdote my mother loves trotting out at any type of family gathering (that I might have shared before). When I was around three, I was eyeing up a bowl of grapes that had gone bad.  : I want grapes! : No, kinmik, those grapes are rotten.I paused to ponder on this revelation. I want rotten!
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May 4, 2014 18:40
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Kid staring wide-eyed at a bottle of sparkling water in Trader Joe's: "It's a hundred and twenty-nine DOLLARS for ONE BOTTLE?"  I told him no, it's $1.29.
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May 5, 2014 12:38
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My 6 year old nephew's grandfather was interviewed in his house for a segment on the local news last week. When he saw the segment, he said "If I go stand in grandpa's room will that put me on TV?"
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May 5, 2014 15:42
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My boyfriend's 3 year old nephew still has that baby voice that makes almost everything he says instantly hilarious. We showed him a poster of Marvel characters to see how many he could name, and he easily identified Captain America, The Hulk, and Iron Man. But he was stumped by the dude with the bow and arrow... Boyfriend: That's Hawkeye. Nephew: Ummm...Hot Guy?? As for my family, my brother's a really big guy (read: fat). One day my mom and I are sitting at the living room table, and his 4 year old daughter runs up to us, throws her arms out as wide as they'd go, and proudly proclaims "My daddy's THIS big!"
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May 6, 2014 13:12
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My nephew likes to watch some kind of kitten movie before bed. He's two or three, so he pronounces it at "titty movie". My sister-in-law took a video of him having a meltdown screaming "I WANT TO WATCH THE TITTY MOVIE!!!" My niece when she was about three was running around and was going to go up the stairs, so I said "Hey, stick around!" She replied "I can't...I don't have glue." drat.
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May 6, 2014 17:43
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My friend is mother to two autistic boys with a gift for perception. She jammed her hand really hard in the kitchen and started to swear while doing the usual shoulder check for little ears "Ahhhh fffff........" "..." "Yes, Nathan?" "It's okay Mommy. I go get Daddy. He say gently caress."
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May 6, 2014 18:45
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Our nearly-4 year old daughter is going through a rather gruesome phase. A typical example from this weekend, our 2 year old son finds a beetle in the garden, and tries to pick it up, No G, don't pick it up. *prods beetle* Don't touch it, you'll hurt it! Yeah, and then its blood will come out, and it will bite you and your bones will break and all your blood will go everywhere! That's what happens. Err - I don't think this beetle could hurt you. It's very small. Yeah, but if it DID, then all your blood would come out. And then you DIE!
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May 6, 2014 21:07
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From my three year old son: Me: *changes tv channel off what he was watching* Mini-abs: *in a very annoyed voice* "Quit being such a pinecone" I have no idea what that's even supposed to mean, so of course I put his show back on.
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May 6, 2014 22:02
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My Nanny got a new pup this weekend and I obviously spent all day puppy-cuddling. My 7yo cousin was very concerned I didn't love her dog anymore and tried very hard to convince me that Pepper was still the best dog and I should love her the most. She wasn't happy until I had her and her dog on my lap for pets and naps She also made me this using her birthday present and made sure it had orange in it because it is my favourite colour. Which is on the back because she forgot till she was nearly done.  Also puppy pic 
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May 6, 2014 22:32
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My 8-year-old niece: "You know how young people when they use the internet use abbreviations for things like "lol" instead of "laugh out loud"? I'm going to quiz you to see if you know what those mean". Her quiz included "lol", "btw" and "brb". Today she texted me (from my mom's phone): "Hi. OMG means Oh My Gosh."
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May 7, 2014 04:17
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My daughter at 5, arguing that she should have some cake instead of more of her dinner: "Maybe my sugar pressure is all the way down! My tummy is saying, 'No more real food, we need some candy to get the sugar pressure up!' "
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May 7, 2014 20:03
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