Marley Wants More posted:

Oyster and mushroom.

sharktamer posted:

Oh poo poo it must be true then.

This reminds me of the time I met this nice man at a bar and told him how I killed a man. I remember telling him to carry on if I didn't go back there tomorrow. Apparently he was pretty famous too.

dovetaile posted:

But was his hair perfect?

Alter Ego posted:

Every time I see another one of those troper STDHs I can't think of anything except the Unsullied from Game of Thrones.

"This troper is pleased to have served you, Great Master."

Why can't they just use the pronoun I? Is it part of that whole "special unique snowflake" thing they have going on?

quote:

So this semester I lost my full ride scholarship and got kicked out of my university.
I became incredibly depressed and ashamed. I contemplated suicide and it was really dark for me. I figured that before I went home for the summer I would do it (Golden Gate Bridge)
Then a new Naxxramas card came out, and I almost sarcastically thought that its too bad that I wouldn't get to see the Naxxramas expansion. Then I realized that this could be applied to my entire life. I could miss out on so much. Even my worst case scenario is that I get a crappy job and live in a crappy house. But I would at least get to experience tons of stuff where money and a degree aren't necessary.
I guess nobody may care. But I figured I may throw that out here
TL;DR Life is a F2P game. Money is only useful for card backs

Tunicate posted:

I, personally, appreciate how 'This Troper' is a cunning anagram for 'poo poo Report'.

ibntumart posted:

There's non-tomato ketchup?

titties posted:

Like others have said, yes. I grew up eating banana catsup pretty often, but I was pretty surprised to see the variety of sauces that a quick googling shows. I never would have guessed that the original recipes from the 1600's or whatever seem to be mostly fish and lemon sauces.

I was also surprised to see that literally no US catsup manufacturer spells it as "catsup", which is how at least some of the bottles were labeled back when I was learning to read.

quote:

Just A (Cast The First) Stone’s Throw Away From A True Christian
Grocery Store | AL, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Religion

(I live in the Bible belt of America, where homophobia is the norm. I’m a gay man and was outed by a previous coworker, so now I deal with two or three bigots per week. This takes place an early Sunday morning.)

Me: “Hello. Did you find everything today?”

Customer #1: *a bigot who frequents my lane just to insult me* “Everything except a good, god fearing cashier!”

Me: *scanning items and not paying attention* “Your total is $48.50, sir. Would you like to pay cash or credit?”

Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell, you know! You and all your godd***** f*****! Pick up a Bible and learn how to be a Christian!”

(He then proceeds to throw his credit card at me. I check him out while enduring his verbal abuse, as usual. Finally he’s gone to bag his groceries while the next customer comes up. He’s an elderly man, around 60, wearing a sweater and a large prominent cross. I fear the worst but he hands me a gift card.)

Customer #2: “Bless you, son. I’d like you to have this to make up for those of us who are less then their best.”

(Customer #1 has heard Customer #2 and starts yelling.)

Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell for supporting this f**! Learn how to be a good Christian!”

(Customer #2 removes his sweater to reveals he’s a priest. Customer #1′s eyes widen in shock.)

Customer #2: “Well, if I’m going to Hell I don’t believe there’s much hope for any of us now, is there?”

(He was the new pastor for the church and one of his first sermons was on spreading love instead of hate. I thank you, good sir, for reminding me what a real Christian is like.)

Boob Dylan posted:

So wait, he was outed by a previous coworker and somehow now every customer that comes in knows he's gay? Does said coworker stand by the door as a greeter, all "Welcome to Walmart, the guy on cashier 8 is totally A Gay"?

quote:

An anthropologist proposed a game to the kids in an African tribe. He put a basket full of fruit near a tree and told the kids that whoever got there first won the sweet fruits. When he told them to run they all took each other´s hands and ran together, then sat together enjoying their treats. When he asked them why they had run like that as one could have had all the fruits for himself they said: ”UBUNTU, how can one of us be happy if all the other ones are sad?”
‘UBUNTU’ in the Xhosa culture means: “I am because we are.”

silencekit posted:

"I check him out..."

Heh, I'll bet you do.

But yeah, none of that ever happened. Also, the details kinda read like the guy Clark Kents his sweater open to reveal a Catholic priest's collar. It's always seemed to me that the Bible belt assholes were Southern Baptists, no? Although I guess maybe it could be that this story is like an ad for the Catholic church.

Bonus: super colonialist/racist/"magical negro" shit_that_didn't_happen.txt:

sharktamer posted:

Nah they stole it from the Linux distro.

RagnarokAngel posted:

No that's why the Linux distro got its name dog. We're only happy when we all have a good free open source OS.

axolotl farmer posted:

Good job getting jokes.

RagnarokAngel posted:

a good free open source OS.

NtotheTC posted:

http://imgur.com/gallery/HXQ42mI

I hate it when people do this. "AN IMAGE TELLING A STORY? I'D BETTER REPOST THIS AND FLAT OUT TELL PEOPLE WHAT I THINK THE STORY IS SO THEY ALL KNOW I GET IT."

I love that someone further down the comments posts a links to the Something Awful article that spawned this thing, and instead of "Haha oh I get it it's satire" they say "Oh gosh that's awful!"

MaeveyTresh posted:

Postal Parcel posted:

Ahem.
(To be fair, I can't tell if they're serious or not)

e:Actually, isn't that what happened though? A lot of websites are reporting the same thing.(Ian Mckellan breaking down during filming of the Hobbit)

And then we smoked cigars with Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum posted:

I was working at a beach bar in NYC in the summer of 2006. The job was hell — we would work 12-14 hour shifts because the place would open at 11am or noon and turn into a semi rave at the end of the night. We wouldn't get paid for weeks at a time, and the pay itself was terrible.

The Fourth of July was the day that we were supposed to make mad cash because the beach bar was always packed, the fireworks display was on the East River, and the view from our place really was amazing. HOWEVER, we get to work that morning and the owner had hired more people off of craigslist and told the regular waitstaff that we would be working the overflow parking lot where there were less options to make tips (mostly just beer tents and not a lot of food).

After a few hours of this, I decided to rally the troops, Norma Rae-style. I got up on a picnic table, put my fist in the air, yelled 'This is Our Independence Day!' and we all walked out. The look on my boss's face was priceless, but what was even better was going back at the end of the night and sitting with them until we all got checks written out to us for all our overdue back pay.

This is sadly what the writer imagines as badass posted:

One Friday night during my years waiting tables, I picked up a shift for a co-worker. I usually didn't work Fridays because they were amateur nights — lots and lots of White Zinfandel and people who only go out once or twice a year. I was about 30 minutes into my shift when I was triple sat with two 4-tops and a 6-top. I got the drink orders from one of the 4s and the 6 and told the other 4 that I would be right back to get theirs. As I was coming back from the bar with a tray full of drinks, this lady sitting in another section grabbed me by my sleeve and pulled me back to her table, almost spilling all the drinks in the process. I don't know about the rest of you, but my pet peeve is "YOU DON'T TOUCH ME," so I'm already starting to see red. I ask the lady "Yes ma'am, what can I do for you?" and she says, in a very loud voice, "MY CHICKEN IS BAD!"

I calmly looked at her, looked down at her chicken, looked back at her, set the tray of drinks on a table next to them, reached onto her plate, picked up the chicken, spanked it twice, and yelled "BAD CHICKEN!" Then I put the chicken back on her plate, walked through the wait station, threw my ticket book against the register and walked out the back door, never to wait tables again.

Like a boss (that was made up for this story) posted:

One night when I was working Grand Prix weekend (during which I opened the restaurant at 7 AM, and wouldn't leave until 4 AM the next day, coming back the next morning to do it all again — $2000 in three days made it worthwhile to me), a newer girl I had been chatting with earlier in the night came up, shaken about something that had just happened. Apparently, she had been counting out her cash for the night in the back of the kitchen, and someone she thought was a random guy, as she had never seen him before, came up and swiped several bills from her. Shocked, she chased after him, yelling "Sir! Sir!" until he turned around and screamed "I'm your loving boss." Stunned, she went back to the kitchen to finish closing her cash. Afterwards, she went to talk to one of the managers, to tell him what happened, and also to make sure she wouldn't get in trouble (the place was notoriously fickle with its staff). As she was telling the manager her story, the owner came up to her from behind, put her in an headlock/chokehold with his left arm, and wrapped his right arm around her and stuck his thumb in her mouth. He leaned in and said "That's right, I'm your loving boss." She was understandably incredibly upset. I will forever think of her fondly, because she took the entirety of her cash (as in, the whole amount, from all her sales) that night and left, never to be heard from again. My hero!

quote:

So, I slept with my bosses wife last night, now what?
Before last night, I had met her and had a chat once or twice, but nothing more than that. Last night we had this big dinner because the company is opening a new training center. The big boss man got completely hammered (on red wine no less); so I initially helped him go home with his wife in tow. At home he went right to sleep (on the floor). As I was going out the door his wife totally came on to me. One thing led to another.. we ended up doing it for 2 or 3 hours before I finally left.

This woman is mad hot, early 30-ish Sichuan woman, tall, perfect body, very elegant manner.. it was freaking AWESOME!!! I'm not regretting what I did with her. I am underpaid and I am sure she is undersexed, but all this morning I keep getting lots of texts from her asking to meet, have lunch together, etc.. And I am freaking out.

I have no idea where to go from here. She wears those traditional Chinese dresses almost every day, it drove me crazy before we slept together, and now.. I'm scared if we meet I will do it again. And she is my boss' wife, so I can't just ignore her. Really no idea what to do... my initial thought is to meet again, but.. I want more actually, but that's wrong right?

quote:

We met today for lunch. Afterwards we went to a 7 days hotel, which has this 4 hours for 100 rmb room rental. She told me it was the first time she ever 'made love' in the shower. I feel kind of strange by the fact that she referred to sex as 'making love.' In any case, I am looking around for a new job.

quote:

Wake up from your dreams and go out and find a girl in real life.
Your story reeks. Chinese women are not innocent but they are extremely careful. Anyone who has really been with a married woman ccan back up that point. (They don't usually get careless until after you have been involved with them and you try to end it)
But like I told you before, this is china. Getting some is not a big deal. Stop dreaming up stories and go out and get some.

quote:

I've had two posts where you have done nothing but talk $hit, where are your stories you dirty old expat? Where are the notches on your bedpost? Let's hear some stories Obi Wan!

Seventh Arrow posted:

You won't think it's so cute when she grows up to become the world's worst psychiatrist.

Farmland Park posted:

So from an expat forum I frequent:

Alouicious posted:

*a cute harmless little story about siblings being nice to each other*

UGH WHAT UTTER HORSECOCK

Nyarai posted:

I can't help but think of the more realistic version of this, where the seven-year-old decides she wants to try older sibling's candy that they keep in the cool box.

Maybe I need some Skittles too.

Oh You Sleigh Me posted:

(I’m shopping for Christmas ornaments when a woman and her husband walk into the store.)

Wife: “Look at this, this is a sin! They hardly have anything.”

Husband: “The Christmas section gets smaller and smaller each year. I barely saw any decorations in the store, either.”

Wife: *picking up an angel table topper* “This is just disrespectful. They should have another three or four kinds of trees!”

Husband: “I agree dear, this selection is disappointing. How are we supposed to properly celebrate with this?”

(They continue on like this for another 5-10 minutes. Finally, the woman storms up to me.)

Wife: “You! As a God fearing Christian, do you think this tiny little section is disrespectful to our Lord and Savior? How dare they not be respectful of our religious beliefs! We should go complain!”

Me: “Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m Pagan and I can never find any good Beltane decorations here.”

(She literally run from the seasonal section. I hear a security alarm a minute or two later. I think she forgot to pay for the angel that she never put down.)

Nyarai posted:

NAR

canyoneer posted:

I'm sure that happened.

Dick Spacious CPA posted:

who uses a pill organizer/divider thing for only one pill?