Redditor posted:

So tonight, I decided it would be a good night for me to get high. I was home alone, and had all the wonders of drugs and internet porn at my hands. I decided to jerk off, and during that magical act I decided to try to suck my own dick. During the heated attempts to thrust my penis into my face, I got a bit too excited and tried to clamp my mouth down. I was off by an inch or two, and nibbled pretty sharply on my head. I immediately regretted it & stopped, and now I'm trying to sober up while cradling my dick in pain. (Sorry about my typing, I'm still pretty baked)

TL;DR: Don't do drugs, kids.

jodai posted:

But he's dating X! He's the school president! His dad's probably still got a humiliating disease but he is winning at life.

fullroundaction posted:

Oh man, already with a followup (same girl):



What a day!

Awkward Davies posted:

Because they are black, they are buying the sex stuff you see.

Trebek posted:

He had to google that gas was flammable.

Edit:


I keep wondering if he meant debilitating instead of humiliating. Unless you can die from erectile dysfunction.

Trebek posted:

He had to google that gas was flammable.

Edit:


I keep wondering if he meant debilitating instead of humiliating. Unless you can die from erectile dysfunction.

Trebek posted:

He had to google that gas was flammable.

Warchicken posted:

It seems like gas being flammable is a piece of information that comes before knowing what "google it bro "means. Unless you're an African American gentleman.

Awkward Davies posted:

Because they are black, they are buying the sex stuff you see.

MAKE NO BABBYS posted:

I'm not getting what "humiliating disease" is? AIDS? His dad is the human tree bark guy??

Afraid of Audio posted:

now exists apparently.

Not Always Right posted:

A Customer’s Behavior Can Cut You In Half
home improvement | WV, USA | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement, Wild & Unruly

(I work as a weekday team member at a home improvement store, mostly in the lumber yard. I am already having a rough day, and a customer asks me if I could cut her a piece of plywood, but our wood cutter is currently out of service. Her pleasant demeanor instantly turns sour.)

Customer: “The fact that your saw is broken is unacceptable! My mother is sitting outside in her vehicle, and she just had open-heart surgery! I don’t have time for this!”

Me: “I’m very sorry that our saw is broken, ma’am, but I could call the store across town for you and see if their saw is functioning—”

Customer: “No! I don’t want to go to the other store! I spent $20 in gas just to f****** get here!”

Me: “Yet again, I do apologize for the inconvenience—”

(The customer obviously does not hear me, and continues shouting.)

Customer: “F*** you! I want my wood cut! I’ll break it in half myself if I have to!”

(At this point, the customer is so angry, I am afraid she will try to physically harm me. Two managers on duty overhear the ordeal and walk over.)

Manager #1: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but as our associate has already told you, our saw is currently out of service, and is due to be replaced shortly. If you would like, we might have a circular saw in the back that we could use to cut it for you—”

Customer: “This is f****** crazy! I don’t understand why you can’t fix the saw! My mother is still out in the vehicle, and I don’t have time for your bulls***!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t mind waiting here, I could go get the saw for you and cut it.”

Customer: “Are you f****** kidding me?! I’ve been in the store for over two hours, and you expect me to wait while you go f*** around, and probably not even come back!?”

(After more rambling, she finally agrees to wait. She then says she is going to go outside and ‘cool off.’ After I retrieve the circular saw, I then go outside to look for the customer. I find her in her car, with her feet up on the steering wheel, smoking a cigarette alongside her mother, who, for having ‘open-heart surgery’, is smoking as well. Customer recognizes me and then shoos me away, and I go back inside. After 25 minutes or so, the customer finally comes back inside, and this time, her ‘recovering’ mother has come in to do some paint shopping.)

Customer: “Is anyone going to f****** help me, or am I going to have to start shooting people to get attention?”

Manager #2: “Excuse me, ma’am, is that really necessary? Our associate went looking for you, and it has been over half an hour.”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but I am ready to cut this wood for you, as soon as you tell me the lengths you want.”

Customer: “I want you to cut it the f*** in half!”

Me: “Would you like me to rip it for you, or cut it in 4×4 sections?”

Customer: “Go ahead and f****** rip it. And stop wasting my time!”

(I proceed to rip the plywood into two foot by eight foot sections, but as it turns out, this was wrong. At this point, the two managers have left me to deal with this customer, because they felt that I had the situation under control.)

Customer: “You f****** dips***! Why did you cut my wood like that?!”

Me: “Ma’am, you told me to rip it—”

Customer: “No, I said in HALF!”

Me: “What did you mean, 4×4 sections?”

Customer: “Yes, that’s what I f****** said the first time!”

(Managers have overheard this as well, and came back over to assist.)

Manager #1: “Ma’am, we would be happy to get you a new piece of wood, but if you would have clarified exactly what you wanted, we stock wood in the dimensions you wanted, and you would have been out of here two hours ago.”

Customer: “I don’t give a s***! I just want my wood cut!”

(Thoroughly annoyed and ready to snap, I reluctantly retrieve a new piece of wood, and agree to re-cut it for her.)

Customer: “About f****** time! Thank you for wasting my life!”

Me: “Gladly.”

(Because of the violent nature of this customer, and because of her threats, the managers finally sent her out of the store, with her precious wood- for free. We didn’t want to give her any excuse to come back and we were thankful nothing else happened! Because of this whole ordeal, the managers allowed me to sit in the break room for a few minutes to cool off. Hopefully, that is the first AND last time I receive a death threat in the workplace.)

Coatlicue posted:

How do you rip plywood?

LITERALLY A BIRD posted:

e: content:

EKDS5k posted:

Also also, if they knew their wood cutter was broken, why wouldn't they have the circular saw ready to go?

The Iron Rose posted:

I want to say for a good... sixty percent or so I thought this was a not always random.

Hijo Del Helmsley posted:

Seriously. Why would you only have ONE thing capable of cutting wood in a loving lumber yard. Surely a lumber yard is made up of two things: Lumber and stuff to cut lumber.

SybilVimes posted:

Another from reddit:

Hijo Del Helmsley posted:

Seriously. Why would you only have ONE thing capable of cutting wood in a loving lumber yard. Surely a lumber yard is made up of two things: Lumber and stuff to cut lumber.

tacodaemon posted:

tacodaemon posted:

Hijo Del Helmsley posted:

Seriously. Why would you only have ONE thing capable of cutting wood in a loving lumber yard. Surely a lumber yard is made up of two things: Lumber and stuff to cut lumber.

nightchild12 posted:

It's not a real lumber yard. It's the lumber section of a "home improvement store". So think Home Depot or Lowes, which I can easily believe will only have one saw for cutting lumber.

FrozenVent posted:

It's a lumber yard next to an hardware store, them having a single machine is entirely possible. poo poo breaks down.

FrozenVent posted:

I wouldn't be surprised to find out a store had a policy that prevented employees from doing that, though.

The saw not working's not really the STDH'est part of that story, honestly.