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You sure sound like you have a terrible relationship and I don't know how you decided having a child with her was a good idea, please don't have any more!
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Jun 5, 2014 19:05
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Your relationship sounds adversarial.
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Jun 5, 2014 19:08
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Jastiger posted:I look at other people our age working jobs in our area and doing OK, while I kick rear end at work and get nothing to show for it. Most people are probably in a similar situation as you. People looking OK is usually a facade of some sort.
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Jun 5, 2014 19:17
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Jastiger posted:I look at other people our age working jobs in our area and doing OK, while I kick rear end at work and get nothing to show for it. Whoa whoa whoa. As the poster above me said, most people are living above their means. Everyone wants the nicest *thing* they can "afford". They want the most expensive house and the most expensive car(s)/SUV(s) the bank will lend them. Do not look at other people. You don't know the details of their finances. Some of them are debt slaves, while others may have inherited wealth.
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Jun 5, 2014 19:23
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Still though, it's a safe bet that two-income families have it easier and probably have the means to save tons of money if they actually make it a priority. It's hard with a one-income family or relationship.
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Jun 5, 2014 19:26
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Rick Rickshaw posted:Do not look at other people. You don't know the details of their finances. Some of them are debt slaves, while others may have inherited wealth. Some of them also are probably not in a lovely marriage. Your finance issues are just a symptom of poor communication as others have pointed out. Go get (couples) therapy.
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Jun 5, 2014 19:28
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Rick Rickshaw posted:
I know a young lady who is married, both she and her husband have shiny newish SUVs, they have a kid, dog, go on crazy trips to weddings in Napa California etc. They both have MBAs from one of the top schools, wear all the nice clothes etc. etc. They spend a fortune keeping up with their friends from college/grad school but their dirty secret is that they are loving slaves to debt. They literally have almost nothing in the bank. No retirement to speak of, 100k in student loans EACH, leased cars, they live in a "luxury apartment" (in the proper neighborhood befitting individuals of their "status" of course) and can't usually afford daycare for their kid so they have to literally drive over an hour away Sunday and Friday to dump her off with her aunt and uncle during the week. And that's just the stuff I know about. There are literally millions of couples like this walking around the country, working their asses off so they can borrow money to check off a bunch of imaginary boxes on their bullshit Facebook social hierarchy. They're basically zombies, mindlessly droning through 60 hour weeks so they can hand most of their money over to banks. It's really sad. Most people's finances are hosed up like Polio.
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Jun 5, 2014 20:08
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Dijkstra posted:This. I get that. I'm not worried about having the best or anything. Like I said, I want to stop treading water and start actually building towards a future for my daughter. Not go paycheck to paycheck and have no enjoyment out of life. I can appreciate that though, its a good way to screw yourself up financially. All of our credit card debt is groceries, gas, and the residuals from the move from Idaho to Iowa.
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Jun 5, 2014 20:15
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This dude needs a thread. SloMo sucks.
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Jun 5, 2014 20:16
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Overheard a Ruth's Chris bar "Well, [my child and their spouse] only make $250k between them, so we help them out."
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Jun 5, 2014 20:16
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Zhentar posted:Overheard a Ruth's Chris bar "Well, [my child and their spouse] only make $250k between them, so we help them out." Not surprising though. Americans are conditioned that their yearly income is the be-all end-all social measuring stick. Because that determines what monthly payments you can afford in order to finance the purchase of stupid poo poo.
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Jun 5, 2014 20:23
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Jastiger posted:What started it was that we got new phones as a cost saving measure to cut back on our expenses and I said "Oh! I'll download the BoA app!" and she's like "What do you need THAT for?" like I was downloading it just to spite her or something. Your relationship (marriage?) sounds rough. There's no denying you need to be involved in the process, because how can you feel accomplished with working if you don't even know what the outcomes will be as a result of that money? Plus, you should have a say in budgeting, especially when it comes to your own discretionary allowance. The things you have described would pretty much make anyone resentful of the other party, because she "has" and you "have not." That said, when you do get to look at the finances, you cannot blame her for their state, whatever that may be. You have made a choice in the past to be uninvolved and that makes you equally as responsible even though it may not feel that way. The key to making this transition from unknown to known without fighting about it will be communication, as has been said by others in the last two pages. It sounds as though she already believes that you doubt her budgeting abilities. I would also agree that you do believe that, if only for the reason that she did not consider your needs when budgeting. The alternative is that she really doesn't have a budget and is insecure about you challenging her absent "skills" with the fear that when you discover this, you will be angry. The solution is to admit that you want to improve the family's financial situation and also improve your own budgeting skills because you do not feel like they are very good. Encourage her to team up with you to improve your budgeting skills as a couple, and ask her if she is willing to sit down and evaluate your financial situation together. Then take those numbers and post them in the "help me make a budget" thread so experienced goons can give you some advice/guidelines about how to structure your new family budget. e: E/N for days also admit that you are feeling resentful because you don't think you are getting a proportionately fair amount of discretionary spending. Communicating your feelings without saying she is the direct cause of them will help negate her knee-jerk reaction of becoming defensive. Keep in mind, just because you do this does not mean that she won't do it anyways, but effective feeling communication is important and will prevent future incidences of overflowing resentment. Get couples counseling, really. Tell her that you want to do it when you tell her the rest of this. It will seriously improve your satisfaction with your relationship/marriage. Wickerman fucked around with this message at 20:35 on Jun 5, 2014 |
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Jun 5, 2014 20:27
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I want to know what that parent and their spouse was making to consider their quarter-million-dollar child's household income to be lacking 
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Jun 5, 2014 20:27
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Wickerman posted:Your relationship (marriage?) sounds rough. There's no denying you need to be involved in the process, because how can you feel accomplished with working if you don't even know what the outcomes will be as a result of that money? Plus, you should have a say in budgeting, especially when it comes to your own discretionary allowance. The things you have described would pretty much make anyone resentful of the other party, because she "has" and you "have not." Is that the stickied thread with "How to make a budget"? I think I'll do that.
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Jun 5, 2014 20:33
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The relationship issues will continue to fester until you two talk it out in a healthy way. I really benefited from the book Hold Me Tight - it's a structured way to have conversations with your S.O. about some important issues. It's helped my relationship tremendously and I highly recommend it if you can't afford therapy. Also, Getting the Love You Want. Great books about communication, which seems to be severely lacking in your relationship and causing small issues to blow up into big ones.
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Jun 5, 2014 20:39
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Jastiger posted:Is that the stickied thread with "How to make a budget"? I think I'll do that. It sure is.
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Jun 5, 2014 20:45
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Dijkstra posted:This. Golden handcuffs. The trick is to live below your means. My fiancée and I both drive used cars, cook our own meals, pack lunches, don't get cable TV, and get deals on clothes (my ballin' tweed suit is made up of Goodwill finds). We go to used book sales, and watch movies at a restored midtown second-run movie theater instead of the suburban multiplex. Meanwhile, we have paid off all of our student loans. And I think we're happier people.
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Jun 5, 2014 21:37
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In order to make me feel better about some of my financial decisions, I just dealt with a person that is going to be buying an new car. I asked how much she was getting it for out of curiosity. $800 down and $80 a week. They are going to require she has low deductibles at $250 to protect the vehicle on this car. So wait, weekly payments? That is strange. Who does that? So I ask how long she will be paying for it and she wasn't sure, but guessed it'd be around $5700 total cost on the car. The car? A 1998 Honda Civic with 160,000 miles on it valued on NADA.com at $3700 CLEAN RETAIL. I actually suffered hit point damage when I found out she's going to be financing a car as old at that with $80 weekly payments. That is like $344 a month for a 16 year old car.
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Jun 5, 2014 22:19
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Jastiger posted:In order to make me feel better about some of my financial decisions, I just dealt with a person that is going to be buying an new car. I asked how much she was getting it for out of curiosity. This is why you see all the "NO CREDIT? NO PROBLEM!" used car lots in the hood. You can get a car with no/bad credit, but prepare to be raped on the payments.
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Jun 5, 2014 22:56
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The whole American approach to selling cars has always seemed a little off to me. The only time I've seen American TV unfiltered (i.e. with the commercials still in) was a year or so ago when a friend was streaming the hockey, and it was absolutely boggling how every single car commercial aired did not in any way, shape, or form list the total cost of the car: only the monthly/weekly payment. That just strikes me as borderline predatory.
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Jun 5, 2014 23:38
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Breetai posted:The whole American approach to selling cars has always seemed a little off to me. The only time I've seen American TV unfiltered (i.e. with the commercials still in) was a year or so ago when a friend was streaming the hockey, and it was absolutely boggling how every single car commercial aired did not in any way, shape, or form list the total cost of the car: only the monthly/weekly payment. That just strikes me as borderline predatory. It's in very fine print at the bottom of the screen.
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Jun 5, 2014 23:45
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What kind of place would even finance a car that old? Something they have in-house?
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Jun 6, 2014 00:16
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EugeneJ posted:This is why you see all the "NO CREDIT? NO PROBLEM!" used car lots in the hood. You can get a car with no/bad credit, but prepare to be raped on the payments. Frequently called "buy here, pay here" lots.
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Jun 6, 2014 00:16
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Wickerman posted:What kind of place would even finance a car that old? Something they have in-house? I don't know I didn't ask. She wanted insurance on it and I was curious when she said the dealer was requiring such low limits. Then I heard how old the car was and kind of did a double take. Poor girl worked two jobs, both at food retail places. I feel bad that she's in that kind of position where $80 a week is a "good deal", yet she'll pay more for her car in a month than my family does for two newer models.
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Jun 6, 2014 00:36
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Not uncommon for those kind of deals to be repossessed and then "sold" again in an afternoon.
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Jun 6, 2014 00:39
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Jastiger posted:In order to make me feel better about some of my financial decisions, I just dealt with a person that is going to be buying an new car. I asked how much she was getting it for out of curiosity. I pay that much a month for my car but it's 14 years younger and has ~145000 fewer miles on it.
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Jun 6, 2014 01:09
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I was at the bank opening an account, and I overheard the guy next to me. He asked about opening a personal line of credit to pay for his daughter's wedding. They took all his information, income, etc, then said "We don't actually offer personal lines of credit, but we do offer credit cards with these great promotional rates". And then that man walked out with a credit card. I want to see what the trainwreck will be in a year when that 0% interest ticks off.
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Jun 6, 2014 01:25
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Devor posted:He asked about opening a personal line of credit to pay for his daughter's wedding. How much of that (bride's father paying for the wedding) is still a thing? I know it sorta is, but seems like as a society we're moving away from it.
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Jun 6, 2014 01:41
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Rick Rickshaw posted:Do not look at other people. You don't know the details of their finances. Some of them are debt slaves, while others may have inherited wealth. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0HX4a5P8eE I'm in debt up to my eyeballs! somebody help me
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Jun 6, 2014 01:42
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Pompous Rhombus posted:How much of that (bride's father paying for the wedding) is still a thing? I know it sorta is, but seems like as a society we're moving away from it. A lot of people are paying for weddings themselves these days.
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Jun 6, 2014 01:54
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Pompous Rhombus posted:How much of that (bride's father paying for the wedding) is still a thing? I know it sorta is, but seems like as a society we're moving away from it. My cousin's 19-year old stepson started dating a girl 2 months ago, got her pregnant, and the girl came over to meet my cousin and her husband (stepson's father) the other day for the first time. First words out of her mouth: "We're planning a wedding for 150 people. My parents are contributing $15,000 and we think you should do the same" The girl's unemployed and the stepson works as a part-time car mechanic.
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Jun 6, 2014 02:06
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in_cahoots posted:This is why you have separate discretionary funds. If you each get $50 or $100 a month to spend as you like, you don't have to justify individual expenses. The only problem that would arise is if your wife thinks seeing family should qualify as a household expense rather than an individual one. And if you can't agree on that, you have bigger problems (hint: you have bigger problems). Jastiger posted:I spend no money. My budget is $0. I was getting $20 a week for incidental lunch purchases but I've stopped doing that a few weeks ago to save money. I'm not the one who dictates who spends what, she is the one in charge of finances. The only allowances any of us get are from her. Jastiger posted:That is fair. We are going to sit down today and go over everything. Its rough because she sees any of me peeking in as a questioning of her authority. This isn't a you or I do it, its a WE do it. waffle posted:This is important. She is right. Don't go in with that attitude, you need to approach her and say, let's be organized about this, figure out where we want to be with debt, when, structure a budget around that, and then if that budget isn't reasonable, change our debt expectations accordingly. Don't treat it as an insurmountable challenge that will inevitably require asceticism. Treat it as an opportunity to figure out how to spend money to both have a little spending money and meet your debt goals. moana posted:The relationship issues will continue to fester until you two talk it out in a healthy way. Pompous Rhombus posted:How much of that (bride's father paying for the wedding) is still a thing? I know it sorta is, but seems like as a society we're moving away from it. EugeneJ posted:My cousin's 19-year old stepson started dating a girl 2 months ago, got her pregnant, and the girl came over to meet my cousin and her husband (stepson's father) the other day for the first time.
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Jun 6, 2014 02:36
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SiGmA_X posted:And what type of person works as a part time mechanic who isn't in school full time? WTF? Oh, the type that knocks up some girl and then gets married to her immediately.... Dumb people, thats who. Very dumb people.
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Jun 6, 2014 02:52
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The summer islanders will invade dorne and declare for stannis. They'll be defeated eventually by Tyrell forces, but not before killing Aegon the Unreliable.
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Jun 6, 2014 02:58
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Jeffrey posted:The summer islanders will invade dorne and declare for stannis. They'll be defeated eventually by Tyrell forces, but not before killing Aegon the Unreliable. That does seem pretty bad with money, invasions ain't cheap son.
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Jun 6, 2014 03:02
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SiGmA_X posted:I'd be reminding her who pay's for weddings. The woman's family. And what type of person works as a part time mechanic who isn't in school full time? WTF? Oh, the type that knocks up some girl and then gets married to her immediately.... My cousin and her husband pretty much told the girl to gently caress off  They're not even convinced it's the stepson's child to begin with
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Jun 6, 2014 03:13
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Trilineatus posted:That does seem pretty bad with money, invasions ain't cheap son. Wow gently caress, my salr hosed up, I'm owning that and leaving it there.
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Jun 6, 2014 03:16
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Could someone link me to the jastiger E/N thread? Was he the one who was shocked that his wife wanted their child to be baptized because she clearly wasn't a christian?
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Jun 6, 2014 03:20
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Setting up mint tonight. Gonna make a budget and then compare it with my wifes. I'll be getting my bug paycheck next week, so we will see how it works out.
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Jun 6, 2014 03:21
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Jastiger posted:Setting up mint tonight. Gonna make a budget and then compare it with my wifes. I'll be getting my bug paycheck next week, so we will see how it works out. What she is going to see is that you went to all this trouble to create a new budget without her and get mad because it'll feel like you're going behind her back and not trusting her with the finances. Then, you'll come to this thread and say, v  v "I don't know why she got so mad at me when I just wanted to use our two budgets to come up with a new one together!"You are choosing the way most likely to end up in an argument. This isn't even bad communication, it's no communication whatsoever if you haven't even mentioned that you're doing so to your wife.
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Jun 6, 2014 04:05
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