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I think I was overreacting a bit with my thread, to be honest. There's so many different sections of SA that I doubt the 'very shittiest' of them is Current ReleaGone Girl by "Amazing" Amy Dunne Dear Amy, I don't know how to tell my friends not to spoil movies I haven't seen yet! How do I get them to stop? Unspoiled in Carthage, MS Suck it up. I love spoilers, and there's gonna be a lot in today's column. Dear Amy, I've been dating my boyfriend for eight years now, and we're not even engaged. But every time I see a baby on the street, I feel my biological clock tick-tick-ticking. Unfortunately, he's not ready to commit, much less be a father. (He's so paranoid, he insists on using a condom, even though I'm on Seasonale.) But I'm ready. I'm more than ready. Do you think it's time for us to talk? Unpregnant in Carthage, MS You said he insists on using a condom. That's good news! Lemme tell you why. No one's forcing you to take birth control (although I'd still flush one per day in case he gets suspicious). Count two weeks back from the start of your next period. On that day, and for five days after, insist on having sex as often as possible. Once he's asleep, turn that condom inside out. Bam! You've got a golden ticket to a veritable fountain of baby juice, even if you might have to do a little squeegeeing to get a workable amount. I'll let you figure out how to handle it from here. Hint: it involves a turkey baster and a little KY. If he asks any questions, remind him that all birth control has a failure rate, then slam your own head into a bannister, and threaten to tell everyone he hit you for getting pregnant. He'll have no choice but to stay with you. Best of luck! Dear Amy, Last week, at the height of an argument, my hubby slammed my face against the wall and called me a oval office. Immediately, I packed my things and headed off to the women's shelter, but I'm wondering if there was another way to handle that situation. Unbecunted in Carthage, MS Oh, Unbecunted, I'm a little disappointed in you. A women's shelter? You don't want to be one of those women, do you? I know I sure don't! So let's rewind this a little bit. He slams your face against the wall and calls you a oval office? Here's what you should've said: "I'm the oval office you married." Good one, right? That kind of zinger is the steppingstone to a healthier marriage, one built on violence and mutual distrust. Dear Amy, I never thought I'd write these words, but... MY HUSBAND IS CHEATING ON ME. The man of my dreams has turned those dreams to ash, our mutual trust dispersing like so many sugar storms. I want to confront him about it, and possibly work out our marriage, but I just don't know how to approach him. What should I do? Uncertain in Carthage, MS Confrontation is for the weak. So is divorce. Near as I can tell, you have one option: frame him for your murder. When people see he brutally murdered his wife, they'll all see him for the monster you know him to be. Lucky for you, all you need is a blank journal, a handful of pens, a little rubber tubing, and a few common household items. Step 1. Step 1. Step 1: Backdate your journal to the day you met and write about how awesome he is. Step 2: As you work forward, gradually hint that he may have a violent streak. It's important to use different pens here, to avoid the impression that you wrote it all in one sitting. That's the first thing police would suspect because it's not like people who journal have favorite pens. Step 3: Bleed yourself, a little at a time. This will come in handy when you're staging the crime scene later. Freeze the blood. Or refrigerate it. Or keep it in the pantry. It's not like forensic techs can tell how fresh your blood is. Step 4: Steal some urine from a pregnant friend. This step is optional because even I'm not sure how the gently caress you could use this to your advantage. Forensic techs can definitely test your blood for hCG. And they'd do that long before they'd subpoena your medical records. But, you know, go ahead and get a positive pregnancy test on file. It can't hurt! Step 5: Once you've gotten to the point in your journal where "this man may kill me" is the organic conclusion to an entry, it's time to put this plan into action! Throw blood around your kitchen like you're in Sweeney Todd and make only a cursory effort to wipe it up. You want the blood to show in a Luminol sweep, so it looks like he did it and, lazy man that he is, took a swipe at it with a little bit of 409 and the Swiffer. Then, leave your diary in an obvious (but not too obvious) place so police are guaranteed to find it! Step 6: Drive around a while and bloviate to no one. Your plan is loving sweet, and people need to know, even if your audience is none but a lonely psychic blindsided by your errant transmissions. Step 7: Drown yourself in the nearest lake or river. I'll be honest, dying is a pretty significant drawback. But who wants to live if they can't work things out with a lying, cheating idiot? Dear Amy, I'm writing a novel and I feel like maybe it's just a touch too breezy. How can I give it some thematic heft? Unliterary in Carthage, MS Toss in some poo poo about the recession. It's still topical! If you really want to connect with readers, remind them that homeless people are scary (BOO!), Entertainment Weekly layoffs are tragedies of Shakespearean proportions, and the sound of a trust fund dwindling is the saddest music in all the world. Dear Amy, After arguing with my husband nonstop for hours last night, I left. With nowhere else to go, and no money for a hotel, I decided to stay at my ex-boyfriend's house. He keeps hitting on me! What should I do? Unhappy in Carthage, MS Seduce him, bite him so it looks like self-defense, slash his throat as he comes, and instead of calling the cops, calmly drive home and walk into your husband's arms, covered in blood. Dear Amy, Last week, my boyfriend broke up with me, and I'm having a hard time getting over him. Any advice? Unloved in Carthage, MS Tell him to gently caress you really hard, until you're good and bruised. Then tell the police you were raped. Duh. Pictured: The intended result. Pictured: The intended result. Dear Amy, My husband and I are about to celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary. Thing is, I always feel like I put more effort into finding a thoughtful - Wrap a length of twine around your wrist and twist it until you bleed. Then tell the police you were raped. Duh. Dear Amy, I keep asking my boyfriend to put the goddamn seat down - Smear some wine on your undies and run around, screaming, in front of a surveillance camera. Then tell the police you were raped. Duh. Dear Amy - Shove a wine bottle up your rear end and thrust until you can no longer walk. Then tell the police you were raped. Duh. Look, I don't know why I have to repeat myself. This should be your go-to solution. Consider all other advice to be a sound Plan B. Why? Because the cops never ignore rape victims, and accused rapists are always, always convicted on the strength of the victim's testimony. Dear Amy, I'm currently dating a men's rights activist, and that kind of guy's a real keeper in this age of nervous, post-feminist men. Trouble is, you can only go to the putt-putt course so many times before the little plastic gnomes begin to haunt your dreams. Do you have any fun date night ideas? Unliberated in Carthage, MS Ask him, politely and sweetly, to take you to go see Gone Girl. You can thank me later. In No Way Does the Movie About Me Play on lovely Cultural Assumptions About Rape 10/10 I Now Have a Fetish for Doogie Howser's Bloody Dick 10/10 I Now Have a Fetish for a Quarter of the Head of Batman's Dick 10/10 Where Was David Fincher? Not Directing, That's for Sure! -15/10 I'm A Total Sociopath. Even as a Puppetmaster, Nothing I Do Makes Any Sense Whatsoever. -15/10 Overall 0/50
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Oct 5, 2014 21:26
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The reviews are good, now.
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Oct 5, 2014 21:37
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How is The Good Lie about white guilt?
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Oct 5, 2014 21:41
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gwaaargh posted:How is The Good Lie about white guilt? What is "Things Said by the Student/Labor Dialogue Club", Alex I'll take Rape Culture Pyramid for five thousand
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Oct 5, 2014 21:47
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I actually read the 5 pages of the most recent "Current Releases" column on this comedy website. With these two criteria in mind, I dove in: 1. does this review help me decide whether or not to eventually watch this movie for free on On-Demand? and 2. is this review amusing in its own right in any way whatsoever? All 5 reviews failed on both criteria. I have selected a paragraph of one actual review to demonstrate: quote:I, for one, was genuinely happy to see sweet Irene ascend into Heaven. Everyone was an rear end in a top hat to her about her faith, like it was a huge burden on them that someone had different beliefs than they did, but the way she preached it was much the way your own mother tells you to buckle up or put on a sweater when it's cold. She was concerned, and she was right - so maybe Chloe wasn't saved because she didn't get right with The G-Man, maybe she wasn't saved because she was a rotten little bitch whose seemingly sole existence is to poo poo on what other people do with their lives. I'd hate to see what happened if she ever came across a Brony, or someone who didn't think Taylor Swift was, like, totes deep. Read that; you're not allowed to skim. Multiply the volume by 20, and that's pretty much the 5 reviews. Who is the target audience? Is it performance art for the sake of this thread? I have no idea, but it didn't help me decide to watch the movies for free nor was it entertaining in any way. I feel the sins of the reviewers far outweigh the sins of the posters in this thread, in terms of insults, harassment, and intentional annoyance. The thread title is false. That is my feedback.
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Oct 5, 2014 22:32
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Crap posted:rip to those who died
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Oct 5, 2014 22:41
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All because people dared to not praise the admin's pet
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Oct 5, 2014 22:42
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I enjoy it when my reviewers treat fictional characters as if they were real life people and judge them on their behavior rather than realize that they're characters in a piece of entertainment.
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Oct 5, 2014 22:50
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Lumpy the Cook posted:by "Amazing" Amy Dunne
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Oct 5, 2014 22:52
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woozle wuzzle posted:I actually read the 5 pages of the most recent "Current Releases" column on this comedy website. I had to use my mouse cursor to trace the words like you use your finger in a book because my brain kept rejecting the idea of reading it. If I didn't know that paragraph came from here, I would have filed it away as a copy/paste from a Gawker movie review site, because it's exactly the kind of smug, narcissistic tone you get from the editor-free articles on there. I figured out which movie it was and read that entire review and it's just a cackling screed about Christians rather than a review of a Christian movie; the author of the article is seemingly not even aware that it's a remake and offers no insight about that, but we are treated to some winky memery about Nicolas Cage at the end. It is an indefensibly bad review and it's intellectually shameful for anybody to think they need to use their internet janitor powers to shield the author of this from being called bad names.
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Oct 5, 2014 23:00
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Movie Review posted:Who needs fun when you've got the brutal reality of institutional oppression? heheh Keg fucked around with this message at 23:10 on Oct 5, 2014 |
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Oct 5, 2014 23:07
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Okay, credit to Top Bunk Wanker for making me aware of this excerpt from the Current Releases review of Planes:Ian 'Professor Clumsy' Maddison posted:The female planes are apparently designed by someone who has no idea what a female plane would look like. The idea of introducing gendered identities to normally non-gendered objects so often treats the familiar as inherently masculine. Female planes are painted hot pink and granted the enlarged, fluttery eyelashes so often used to distinguish women from men in lazily drawn cartoons. "Look at that propellor," declares Dusty and he gets a look at one of the ladyplanes' rear end. In one scene, the film even eroticises the tilting of wingflaps for a disturbingly long time. You could argue that it is a joke. I would argue that it enforces the idea of objectifying women to all the five-year-old boys in the audience by applying it to literal objects who have gender but no sex. Gotta start them off early, after all. This is the level of content we're talking about. You're demanding that Current Releases' critics methodically craft intellectual arguments against the man who is insanely angry at the concept of female planes. How is anybody with a sense of humor supposed to do anything but point and laugh at this stuff? Do any of you honestly not see this as self-evidently laughable and bad? Look into your hearts.
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Oct 5, 2014 23:30
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These Reviews Sure Are Something Awful
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Oct 6, 2014 00:00
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The female planes are apparently designed by someone who has no idea what a female plane would look like.
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Oct 6, 2014 00:10
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For what it's worth, Professor Clumsy hasn't been writing any of the reviews for some time now.
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Oct 6, 2014 00:17
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The male planes in the animated children's movie look normal, with typical plane-like eyes, lips, secondary sexual characteristics, and makeup typically found in "real-world" planes we are familiar with. But the female planes, on the other hand? Well, my friend, not so much. This, to me, is troubling.
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Oct 6, 2014 00:18
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See, with this self evident and stereotypical gender dimorphism I can't write about my transgender plane self inserts
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Oct 6, 2014 00:20
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DARPA Dad posted:The female planes are apparently designed by someone who has no idea what a female plane would look like. The female planes are apparently designed by someone who has no idea what a female plane would look like.
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Oct 6, 2014 00:21
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100YrsofAttitude posted:For what it's worth, Professor Clumsy hasn't been writing any of the reviews for some time now. Top Bunk Wanker posted:one of the current releases guys, professorclumsy, was so upset by the idea of his work appearing alongside something that was written to be intentionally funny that he stopped writing movie reviews for SA immediately and hasn't written one since
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Oct 6, 2014 00:27
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Lumpy the Cook posted:The female planes are apparently designed by someone who has no idea what a female plane would look like. DARPA Dad posted:The female planes are apparently designed by someone who has no idea what a female plane would look like.
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Oct 6, 2014 00:39
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Oh I missed this gem:Triticum Guzzler posted:Like when they allow kids to do news reports on the actual news. The implication is that children reading the news is bad. But kid's news is adorable and pretty much as informative as adult news. Hard-hitting facts about local animals!  James Hardon posted:I agree with Black Bones, the guy who, as a quick glance at the first page of his post history reveals, really likes talking about Guardians of the Galaxy, Star Wars and how proud he is of the Venture Brothers t-shirt he paid money to buy and likely wears in public a few times a week. The last is an exaggeration, I only wear it once a week before I need to wash it (I sweat A LOT). The rest is accurate. Ruddha posted:People quote Duncan's long post to laugh with him and tell him he's good, but peopl quote your long post to call you a homo, a fag word, to call you dumb etc which is a form of review itself and quite beautiful Yes I noticed. It is beautiful - it functions as a stark example of superior/inferior shitposting: Mine is strong and full of muscles, whereas "yer a fag" is weak nerds mad about getting sand kicked their face. Don't be a wuss, be a Hero of the Beach! TheLovablePlutonis posted:Saying that a bear disguising as a female urang-utan is equal to a black transsexual sounds like the sort of thing i'd read from Stormfront. Sorry, I wasn't very clear there. I was attempting to provide a quick example of when children's art can be cool and interesting, so I thought I'd read the characters of Jungle Book as representing the underclasses of the inner city. Like, Baloo is obviously homeless, Bagheera is a manic street preacher (a Black Panther!), the wolves/vultures are street punks, Louie is a gangster or lounge singer (jazz? I dunno, some kinda old-timey stuff), Kaa is I guess a pimp, Shere Khan a murderer of some sort, the elephants would be cops. All these groups want to claim the orphan Mowgli in some fashion. To be clearer, Baloo's culture-gender mixing is good. He is a hero, who successfully seduces Louie and topples his palace, freeing Mowgli. Chilled Cap posted:This is the level of content we're talking about. You're demanding that Current Releases' critics methodically craft intellectual arguments against the man who is insanely angry at the concept of female planes. Yes, I demand this. Are you unwilling, or just unable? After all, if Clumsy's review is sooo crazy and dumb, it shouldn't be very difficult to argue against. So far, all we have are vague appeals to it being "bad". How so, gentle goons? Like, Professor Clumsy hated the newest Godzilla iirc. So I think he's wrong about that, cuz it's easily the best movie of the year so far, but his review was helpful to me in deciding to see it. A good review is when the writer explains why they reacted the way they did to the film - so you, the viewer, can decide if it's the sort of thing that you would like to see, regardless of how they felt about it. quote:Look into your hearts. I have the heart of a warrior, and it is filled with joy.
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Oct 6, 2014 00:53
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lol, there is absolutely no way i can reply to this without being banned or probated. goodbye
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Oct 6, 2014 00:57
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Holy poo poo. Keg fucked around with this message at 01:01 on Oct 6, 2014 |
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Oct 6, 2014 00:58
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Godzilla loving sucked and so did the review, probably
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Oct 6, 2014 01:00
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Black Bones posted:Oh I missed this gem: The female planes are apparently designed by someone who has no idea what a female plane would look like.
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Oct 6, 2014 01:02
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Black Bones posted:Oh I missed this gem: Shove a wine bottle up your rear end and thrust until you can no longer walk. Then tell the police you were raped. Duh. Look, I don't know why I have to repeat myself. This should be your go-to solution. Consider all other advice to be a sound Plan B. Why? Because the cops never ignore rape victims, and accused rapists are always, always convicted on the strength of the victim's testimony.
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Oct 6, 2014 01:06
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Black Bones posted:Oh I missed this gem: I have no idea who the movie front page people are or if you might be one of them, so i have no idea if I will be banned or whatever for saying this at you: You are illiterate, mentally unwell, and absolutely terrible at making posts of either the informative or comedic type. There is nothing good here in form or content.
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Oct 6, 2014 01:06
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im going to try to do this in a format you will be more comfortable with, actually, so it will be easier for you to understant black boneBlack Bones posted:Oh I missed this gem: quote:The implication is that children reading the news is bad. But kid's news is adorable and pretty much as informative as adult news. Hard-hitting facts about local animals! quote:The last is an exaggeration, I only wear it once a week before I need to wash it (I sweat A LOT). The rest is accurate. quote:
quote:
quote:To be clearer, Baloo's culture-gender mixing is good. He is a hero, who successfully seduces Louie and topples his palace, freeing Mowgli. quote:Yes, I demand this. Are you unwilling, or just unable? After all, if Clumsy's review is sooo crazy and dumb, it shouldn't be very difficult to argue against. So far, all we have are vague appeals to it being "bad". How so, gentle goons? quote:Like, Professor Clumsy hated the newest Godzilla iirc. So I think he's wrong about that, cuz it's easily the best movie of the year so far, but his review was helpful to me in deciding to see it. A good review is when the writer explains why they reacted the way they did to the film - so you, the viewer, can decide if it's the sort of thing that you would like to see, regardless of how they felt about it. quote:I have the heart of a warrior, and it is filled with joy. (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
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Oct 6, 2014 01:10
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lesbian baphomet posted:I have no idea who the movie front page people are or if you might be one of them, so i have no idea if I will be banned or whatever for saying this at you: You are illiterate, mentally unwell, and absolutely terrible at making posts of either the informative or comedic type. There is nothing good here in form or content. Don't think they write the reviews but it wasn't all that bad. This for instance is the reason I read CR: Black Bones posted:A good review is when the writer explains why they reacted the way they did to the film - so you, the viewer, can decide if it's the sort of thing that you would like to see, regardless of how they felt about it. Any movie that brings out genuine interest or ire on the part of the reviewer convinces me to at least watch the trailer and then decide for myself if I want to see the movie, if it's a movie I haven't heard about already.
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Oct 6, 2014 01:11
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Oh I missed this gem:quote:I only wear it once a week before I need to wash it (I sweat A LOT). Tell him to gently caress you really hard, until you're good and bruised. Then tell the police you were raped. Duh.
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Oct 6, 2014 01:18
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100YrsofAttitude posted:Any movie that brings out genuine interest or ire on the part of the reviewer convinces me to at least watch the trailer and then decide for myself if I want to see the movie, if it's a movie I haven't heard about already. Ah. Well, for a criticism: The reason I am uninterested in reading CR (one of many) is because virtually everything I have seen of it has been ire, and not necessarily genuine. Very many of the excepts posted in this thread read as though the reviewers are perhaps not giving you insight into their real emotional responses at all, but rather giving you a canned and exaggerated outrage out of a perceived social obligation, or a college essay-style response upon later reflection with respect to their well-meaning but often misplaced political views. And both of those tell me nothing about how well a movie might appeal to me, since they are too fake to be meaningful. lesbian baphomet fucked around with this message at 01:23 on Oct 6, 2014 |
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Oct 6, 2014 01:21
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The gender book.
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Oct 6, 2014 01:37
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the reviews are bad
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Oct 6, 2014 01:45
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Black Bones posted:Oh I missed this gem: 
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Oct 6, 2014 01:49
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Black Bones posted:Sorry, I wasn't very clear there. I was attempting to provide a quick example of when children's art can be cool and interesting, so I thought I'd read the characters of Jungle Book as representing the underclasses of the inner city. Like, Baloo is obviously homeless, Bagheera is a manic street preacher (a Black Panther!), the wolves/vultures are street punks, Louie is a gangster or lounge singer (jazz? I dunno, some kinda old-timey stuff), Kaa is I guess a pimp, Shere Khan a murderer of some sort, the elephants would be cops. All these groups want to claim the orphan Mowgli in some fashion. you have no idea what black people are
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Oct 6, 2014 01:51
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Black Bones posted:Oh I missed this gem:  tell me more
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Oct 6, 2014 01:55
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Black Bones posted:Oh you have no idea, buddy. My many jowls quiver under my beard. Black Bones posted:Oh I missed this gem:
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Oct 6, 2014 02:12
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Black Bones posted:Yes I noticed. It is beautiful - it functions as a stark example of superior/inferior shitposting: Mine is strong and full of muscles, whereas "yer a fag" is weak nerds mad about getting sand kicked their face. Don't be a wuss, be a Hero of the Beach! Wowzers.
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Oct 6, 2014 02:25
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Frontpage feedback: don't think this guy should be allowed to write for the frontpage, or on this forum. He is annoying, neither funny nor smart. I suggest the Administrators take action on this issue.
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Oct 6, 2014 02:28
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| # ? May 16, 2024 17:45 |
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Petition to change  to :cr: or :vargo:
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Oct 6, 2014 02:44
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