|
ScottyWired posted:My state has it's own standardized test and one part of it was a writing task. We got to keep drafting material after the test so I decided to toss up in a document. Got through the first para, then fell asleep. Write stories about people, not drab ploddy encyclopedia entries.
|
#
?
Sep 8, 2014 21:58
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 29, 2024 20:12 |
|
|
I stopped reading herequote:An odd
|
|
#
?
Sep 11, 2014 14:31
|
|
|
spelled vigor wrong, hth
|
|
#
?
Sep 11, 2014 21:20
|
|
|
Martello posted:spelled vigor wrong, hth Do I also spell colour, neighbour and clamour incorrectly? What about centre and fibre? ScottyWired fucked around with this message at 02:13 on Sep 12, 2014 |
|
#
?
Sep 12, 2014 02:08
|
|
|
ScottyWired posted:Do I also spell colour, neighbour and clamour incorrectly? What about centre and fibre? Hey! You get that queen english, crumpet eating, tea having, crooked teeth crooked language out of here! This here 'murica!
|
|
#
?
Sep 12, 2014 03:19
|
|
|
ScottyWired posted:Do I also spell colour, neighbour and clamour incorrectly? What about centre and fibre? You're as bad at jokes as you are at writing hth
|
|
#
?
Sep 12, 2014 03:30
|
|
|
ScottyWired posted:Do I also spell colour, neighbour and clamour incorrectly? What about centre and fibre? Yes, all of those are wrong.
|
|
#
?
Sep 12, 2014 17:41
|
|
|
Crossposting from the ghost story thread over in PYF since I figure this is an appropriate place to ask for feedback! Last night I was struck with inspiration and created VOID CHEF, a Twitter of out-of-context cooking instructions from a Boschian Hell cookbook/blogosphere/food network, etc, and I'm interested in seeing what you CC folks have to say about it. Figured I should post it here since I'm approaching each tweet with the same tone I do in microfiction kind of stuff (and couldn't see a microfiction thread when glancing over the boards, although if I missed it I can relocate there). I'm currently worried about whether I should maintain a consistent tone (I'm currently ping-ponging between purply stream of consciousness stuff and "cooking website but gross/sinister" and am liking both for different reasons), how often I should put out content (I need a hook at first hence a bunch of stuff today, but at what follower count should I start making consistent daily posts?), and most importantly, how not to run this joke into the ground by just making cryptic helltalk and then stapling a cooking phrase onto the end. Any advice for what I have so far? I can also post a few of my favorites in-thread if that'd be more convenient for people. Heavy Lobster fucked around with this message at 01:25 on Sep 16, 2014 |
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2014 01:22
|
|
|
I would definitely like to see some of your favourites.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2014 14:04
|
|
|
In that case, I'm particularly proud of: The darkness within us grows forever and hungers always. Satisfy yourself for aching moments with this scrumptious bundt cake. Keep your eyes peeled. And refrigerated, for that matter. The frost which falls from the dead-cold glands of the damned gives this smoothie body and a mournful lustre. Garnish this plate with a daisy chain of sinew and bone to give it that little bit of extra "Wow!" factor. The Autumn topsoil is rife with nutrients for the growth of fatty biceps. Sow your fields with rot and your harvest will be full and moist. And a few others I have yet to publish but will probably append onto my post whenever I have.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2014 18:37
|
|
|
Heavy Lobster posted:In that case, I'm particularly proud of: I'd just undercook it a bit more (lol); cut an adjective from each post. Otherwise, it's a solid and amusing (if predictable?) gimmick.
|
|
#
?
Sep 16, 2014 23:51
|
|
|
Is this what twitter is all about?
|
|
#
?
Sep 17, 2014 02:57
|
|
|
systran posted:Is this what twitter is all about? This and stalking celebrities.
|
|
#
?
Sep 18, 2014 00:23
|
|
|
https://twitter.com/webtwopointoh Here is my twitter. It features vines of my dog doing cute stuff...microfiction if you will. Please help me to improve my craft by leaving crits.
|
|
#
?
Sep 18, 2014 00:28
|
|
|
systran posted:https://twitter.com/webtwopointoh Well, you follow Leon and post corgis, so I think that you're off to a good start. sebmojo posted:I'd just undercook it a bit more (lol); cut an adjective from each post. Otherwise, it's a solid and amusing (if predictable?) gimmick. Thanks for this! While I don't agree with all of your choices - part of the humor for me at least is sounding a little arcane/overelaborate, or like someone talking filler on a cooking program - I've definitely been catching myself being a little too obtuse since you posted your edits, and have been adjusting accordingly. Definitely good to have someone remind me how wordy I get sometimes, it's definitely one of my weaknesses as a writer. I'm glad you find it funny, though! Agreed on the predictability part, it's really just got its cards on the table as a concept, but I feel I have more room to work with it before jumping the shark like a lot of other Twitter personality accounts.
|
|
#
?
Sep 18, 2014 13:49
|
|
|
Hey guys. Here's a sub 500 word story I have written. Brutal criticism appreciated. quote:
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2014 19:25
|
|
|
You repeat 'Dan' so many times even though he is the main character. You should use 'he' for Dan in most cases, and 'Jim' for the few times that 'he' won't refer to Dan. Your prose is pretty rough, and the flourishes you put in don't really mesh and feel fairly forced (like the Inuit statue or the coffee stirring stick). These aren't actually BAD, it's just that they don't flow with the rest of the prose and end up too noticeable for my taste. They also aren't good enough on their own merits to justify the wordcount they take up in such a short piece. The Inuit statue one is almost there, the Horton's one isn't. "Like that of a prowling cat" might be okay as an image, but the extraneous words "like that of a" are bad and can serve here as a concrete example of "your prose is pretty rough." Cut out the first three paragraphs, these are all "tell," before your "show." Don't tell us about Dan in some kind of prologue; it's boring to read. Just show the situation (which could be interesting) and show us how this experience changes him from not "being a dad person" to having a new feeling toward being a dad, or whatever it is you want the point of this to be. The prologue forced you to add more awkwardness to your prose e.g. quote:Dan’s brown hair now had plumes of grey, his previously defined face now soft and faded as if... Each instance of "now" jolts the reader around and confuses them since we don't know where in time we are. I don't know when this is taking place until Jim’s crying brought Dan back to the present. anchors me into the actual moment, but this is a very weak effect and you've started out what should be a tense situation with plodding tell and vague setting. The section of him trying to create enough initial momentum for Jim to be able to pull him forward worked okay enough. I was able to imagine that and just read through it without getting confused or feeling anything was sticking out too hard. You probably want to keep your style more simple and focus on telling a linear narrative with few flourishes. Once you are comfortable with that you can try experimenting more. quote:Adrenaline and desperation hasshould be HAVE allowed many people to surmount terrifying obstacles. This is really bad because it reads like a trite and cliche statement (it is), but the biggest problem is how this sentence drains any semblance of immediacy from the story. You want to put us in Dan's head, not be a floating camera explaining what you see. General statements tenuously connected to implied action make the narrative barely focused on what is happening when it should be living inside Dan's brain and feeding us all of his thoughts and senses. The concept you have is okay and it's cool to see something like this as opposed to a badass assassin or some goony story that is trying to be funny and isn't, but keep practicing ~YOUR CRAFT~ and you'll likely improve pretty quickly. Other general unorganized advice: -Scan your writing a few times over for repeated phrases or words. I've pointed out the "now" repetition, but there is some repetition of "struggling" I just noticed as well. These are often things that either stick out as bad repetition, or people will subconsciously notice it and think of it as bad flow/prose/rhythm etc. -When you DO decide to do some imagery and get fancy, if at all possible it's usually better to aim for "Jim's groans became soft purrs" (this isn't good either but you get what I mean) as opposed to "His groaning sounds were soft, like that of a purring cat." You want to eliminate as many of those function words as possible and just cut to the imagery. Whenever possible it's also good to try for IS or ARE when doing imagery: Jim was a cat on the prowl. This creates a stronger mental image just by using "to be," a very invisible verb, and then cutting straight into the imagery. angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 20:12 on Sep 24, 2014 |
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2014 20:07
|
|
|
Thanks for the advice, systran. Here's a revised version of my story, using the advice you gave me.quote:With a loud gasp, Dan came to. His eyes rolling about like a mouse scrambling in a mason jar, Dan struggle to focus. The only sound he could hear was the raspy pant of his sour tasting breath.
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2014 04:18
|
|
|
OK. Here's an incomplete <500 word story I've written. I'm fine with harsh criticisms as long as you tell me why it sucks so bad.quote:“You know something, Rita? This is the quietest moment I’m ever going to get so I’m just gonna go ahead and say it.” Isaac took a deep breath and let out “I’m a Time Traveller! There, I said it! I, Isaac Anderson, use a small, portable time machine that I invented myself to go to various points in time and just do stuff!”
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2014 17:06
|
|
|
I'm reading this piece at an art gallery tomorrow, and though it's already been critted a bunch in the 'dome, I would like to know literally anything that bothers you about it. I'm kinda nervous about this. It's a little longer than 1K (1.5K) but I didn't think it was long enough to deserve its own thread. edit: link vanished. I got approached by somebody after the reading, who wants to put the story in a book. Thanks for the help, guys.    If you leave comments that help me fix it up, I will give you one (1) full line-by-line crit of the piece of your choosing. This offer lasts until tomorrow afternoon local time, so within about the next 18 hours. SurreptitiousMuffin fucked around with this message at 17:02 on Sep 27, 2014 |
|
#
?
Sep 26, 2014 11:52
|
|
|
Ok, done. Currently doing the big edit, thanks for all the input. I owe crits to Beef, Djeser, and somebody who used their real name. Could the third person let me know their username? Fire me a piece whenever and I'll take a look at it.
|
|
#
?
Sep 27, 2014 04:37
|
|
|
 MercSystran Brawlsebmojo posted:
So big old sookybubba systran couldn't be bothered posting a brawl so I'm declaring him a loser and Merc the 'winner'. Mark that down and look at it from time to time, Merc, but do it with your shame face on because this is pretty weak and given your respective skills I'd guess systran could have taken the win with almost anything he bothered to slap down. Martello did a good crit which I agreed with, so add his points to these ones. Mercedes posted:To the Heavens
|
|
#
?
Oct 9, 2014 00:31
|
|
|
Hey Everyone, I did the Mercbrawl over in the Thunderdome. I wanted to write a kind of light-hearted and funny story, and I did. Then I read it and it just didn't work for me, so I wrote another story, which is the one I submitted just now for the brawl. Since I wrote this other story I'd like some feedback on it. I think it's actually pretty good because it reminds me of being in high school, and I wanted to kind of channel that embarrassing feeling while adding in some light-hearted fantasy elements. Without further ado, here is the story: The Curse of Bad Character 1057 words. Jason went by his middle name, Dalton, because ‘Dalton’ didn’t have any sibilants in it. That’s what his speech therapist called all the sounds he lisped. He never felt it was fair that the word ‘lisp’ and ‘sibilants,’ and all the words related to his problem included lots of the letter ‘s.’ Dalton was really good at avoiding that letter. He lived in Jackson, M.I., and he wasn’t thirteen years old, he was ‘about to turn fourteen.’ Stephanie was talking to him now, the girl with the really big boobs, bigger than a lot of highschool girls’. “Did we have Math homework?” She asked. “Uhh, yeah. Do you want to copy mine?” “No, just tell me what it was.” Page seventeen, problems six through twentyseven. gently caress. “Uhh...take a look, I wrote it down in my notebook.” She leaned down to look, and he looked down too, at her boobs. How was he ever going to have sex without being able to say ‘sex?’ ‘Want to gently caress?’ No, girls probably don’t like that unless they are already very horny. Maybe, ‘I want to make love to you,’ would work. “Thanks!” she said. She started to walk away, but he’d barely even talked to her. “Hey,” Dalton said, “uh, are you tssssure you don’t, ahh--do you really not want to copy mine?” “No, it’s fine.” She heard the lisp, it was over. He’d never make love to her. “Okay, well, uhh, I’ll tssccheee you insstthide the classsttthhhroom.” gently caress. “K, see you.” -- Dalton kicked the hacky sack to his friend Sean, who he usually just called, ‘dude,’ or ‘man.’ Sean was better at hacky sack, better at getting girls, had cooler clothes, and most importantly his voice was deep and smooth and had no lisp. “Hey man, if you could, would you take my lisp from me? Maybe for just like a day.” “Yeah, sure, could be fun.” Dalton suppressed his anger, dropping the hacky sack. Sean would do it, just like that, huh? He didn’t understand how bad it was, and he was always just soooo generous. What a great guy! “Fine, say it out loud, say it, to God, say you want my lisp!” Sean kicked the hacky sack and it landed on the back of his head--he was Jewish--and said, “God! Give me Dalton’s lisp! I want to spare him this horrible curse!” “Don’t joke man, it is a curse,” Dalton said. Wait, he said it, he didn’t tsssssay it. It wasn’t a curttth. His lisp was gone! -- In the hall after P.E., Stephanie walked by, boobs bouncing. To think she had just been in the girls’ locker room, naked, with her boobs just out in the open. Did girls change their bras for P.E.? “Hey, Stephanie,” he said, amazed he could say her name, “did you...successfully...finish the assigned homework...problems?” Dalton’s heart was racing, and rather than stumbling over how to avoid ‘s’ and ‘th’ sounds, he couldn’t help but say as many of them as possible. “Seems like you thought it wouldn't be so simple, so I was searching for you to see if you still needed my hel--assistance.” “Uhh, thanks, Danny, but--” “Dalton, it’s Dalton. Actually my real name is Jason. I guess you can call me Jason, that’s what my good friends and girlfriends call me, you know?” “Okay, so, um, thanks, but I’m going to go now.” Just before she turned away, he saw Sean exit the locker room. “Wait! This is my friend, Sean! Say hello to Stephanie, Sean.” Sean smiled, white teeth flashing, and said, “Hey sstthephanie, I’m stthean.” “Hey Sean, I saw you playing basketball the other day, you seemed really good.” “Yeah, I love bassthketball, I’m best at ssrree-point ttshhots.” Stephanie’s eyes narrowed, she must be confused, remembering that Dalton had the lisp. “I was playing volleyball on the other side of the gym, I liked watching you play though.” Now she was smiling, they both were. Everyone but Dalton was all smiles. “Hey, Stephanie, I like basketball too, and I can even pronounce it correctly. Ever heard of a basketball player that can’t say the word ‘basket,’ without getting spit all over you?” “Danny, that’s not a very nice thing to say.” She squinted at him. “It’s Dalton--I mean Jason, I’m Jason. Anyway, we’re good friends, just joking around, but seriously can you imagine this guy up in your face, he’d be all, ‘I want to kittthhssshh you,’ and spit would get all over you, and then you’d be all like, ‘you sure you have enough saliva left for that?’ Or maybe he’ll start listening to indie music and become a...a...lispster.” Dalton guffawed at his joke, but Stephanie wasn’t laughing. “Sorry Sean, this guy’s being a jerk. Can you walk me to my locker?” “I can,” Dalton said, “I’ll walk you there.” “No, I want Sean to.” “But he has a lisp!” “I don’t care.” Dalton ran out of ideas, so he shoved Sean, and Sean slid onto the tile. The students walking past all stopped, hungry for a fight. Sean stared back up at Dalton. “Take back your curth, you thit head!” Dalton and the other kids looked down at his friend, laying on the ground. Dalton pointed and laughed. “I have no stinkin’ idea what this crazy son-of-a-bitch is gettin’ at,” Dalton said, popping his collar. “Dude, what the hell is your problem?” Tony, the captain of the soccer team, stepped forward. “I’d think that you of all people would understand his pain. You’re being a dick.” Dalton looked over to Stephanie. She wrinkled her nose and turned away, like he smelled of bad cheese. “Hey sexy, don’t be sad,” Dalton said. Somebody threw a book at him, and he wheeled around to face his attacker. “Whoever tssrrrew that better come thay that to my faytthh.” The crowd snickered. “Thut up, all of you!” Somebody pushed him into the locker, and Stephanie helped his friend off the ground. “I’m sorry Danny was such a jerk to you.” “It’s not a big deal,” said Sean, and he realized his lisp curse was gone. “Walk me to my locker now?” Dalton reached out his hand and yelled “Thepanie!” and then fell to his knees and sobbed.
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2014 05:16
|
|
|
Cache Cab posted:I did the Mercbrawl over in the Thunderdome. I wanted to write a kind of light-hearted and funny story, and I did. Then I read it and it just didn't work for me, so I wrote another story, which is the one I submitted just now for the brawl. Since I wrote this other story I'd like some feedback on it. I think it's actually pretty good because it reminds me of being in high school, and I wanted to kind of channel that embarrassing feeling while adding in some light-hearted fantasy elements. Without further ado, here is the story: As your brawl-buddy/adversary, I'll take a quick stab and give you my general reaction. No line-by-line because I am a hack (but also because I'm at work and I got poo poo to do) Overall I was entertained, though I did find myself thinking "I get it, he has a lisp" a few times in regards to the dialogue, definitely felt a bit overdone to me. As a result I felt the last line (which I do like) lost effectiveness. To your point I did feel like it had a good sense of the general awkwardness/cluelessness of high school, like in some of the dialogue (though some of it sounded a bit UNintentionally awkward) and Dalton's misplaced angst. Other nitpicky poo poo: -When Dalton gets a book thrown at him he responds with something like "say that to my face," which doesn't make a ton of sense. -It didn't really hit the "inappropriate" feel to me, per the prompt - which I also feel like I failed spectacularly at achieving with mine. (But I do think the one that you actually submitted fits more) -I also groaned audibly at the "lispster" joke, but to each his own haha
|
|
#
?
Oct 23, 2014 21:43
|
|
|
This is an old Thunderdome story of mine reworked based on crits and pared down drastically. I want to know if it works as a complete story, and any other feedback is welcome. Whiskey, Bile, and Tears 596 Words Mom’s headstone is white marble, shiny in the starlight. It’s wrong, all wrong between the chipping old granite ones, but it will do. I sprinkle salt around the grave, kneel in front of shiny white marble, and hold the whiskey bottle out in both hands. My throat grows tight and painful. My eyes well up. I will not cry. Please, Mom, come to me. I brought you an offering. Please… Carefully, I open the bottle and pour a shot onto the grave. “Please, Mom,” I whisper. “You bring me poison?” the shade says. “How unlike you.” I brought you what I knew you’d come for. I lean back, pulling the bottle away from her grasping hands. They pass through mine, cold and slimy under my skin. “It’s traditional.” She lunges again, clawing at my throat. I can’t breathe past the slimy, rotten sensation of cold on the back of my tongue. Gagging, I force the words out. “Back! Heed me now, shade! Harm none. I come with an offering and you will not receive it unless you heed me." She stumbles back under the force of my will. “What do you want?” My mother. “Answers.” “To what questions?” They bubble up and catch in my throat until I gag on the lingering taste of rot. I lean over and spew bile across the slippery, whiskey-scented grass. Even heaving on the ground I have some protection, and I clutch the whiskey bottle to my chest. But the shade comes forward and crouches beside me. I feel her cold touch on my back, rubbing awkward circles as I have done for her on a hundred hungover mornings. “You came,” she whispers. “You finally came to see your old mom.” And it’s so Mom - the quick change of mood, the subtle rebuke. My body spasms with silent sobs. My tears sink into the dirt of her grave. A fitting offering for my mother: bile and whiskey and tears. “Mom.” Tears leak into the corners of my smile, fill my mouth with salt. She walks to salt-line and stops. “Don’t trust me?” “Not all spirits are as friendly as you, Mom. I couldn’t know how you’d be.” You tried to choke me, remember? “What answers did you come here for?” “When you died. Why? Why go to that rear end in a top hat?” My cheeks are raw from crying, my eyes swollen and tight. “Because I couldn’t afford to drive to a real doctor,” she says. You couldn’t afford to die, either, and leave me all alone. “Why go at all? Was the thought of another child so horrible?” my voice is hoarse. “You think I could have another kid?” She hacks up choking laugh. “With your father off somewhere and your grandparents not talking to me? You think I’d have gone a whole nine months without my whiskey?” The last question burns like the bile had, coming up. “Did you want to abort me, too?” “Oh.” Her eyes finally turn from the bottle and meet mine. “Oh, oh honey. No, never you. I just couldn’t handle it right then. But never you.” Summoned spirits can’t lie. I’m shaking all over, but her attention has turned away. “Someone’s coming,” she says. The orange moon rising behind her lights her all in shades of yellow, like the jaundice has finally caught up with her. “Give me my whiskey, and run.” I pour the whiskey into the sodden grass. Her shade dissolves into the air as I clamber to my feet and run. Cache Cab posted:
|
|
#
?
Oct 26, 2014 22:22
|
|
|
My past stories have been very lackluster in terms of characterization. I'm hoping to change that, by focusing primarily on developing a strong central character and making a personal crisis the center of my newest work. To that end, this is the start of the story, and I'd appreciate any insight about it. Plague, 559 words Emily McCullough had raised a palace in her mind. With careful curation, she had drawn close each thing that she held dear, and then she had shut the gate. She was not unhappy, or even lonely; Emily was plenty company for herself. The outer world did not interest her very much. It had never been kind to her. She was not a pretty girl- she had always carried a little too much weight, been a little too plain. She had a lazy left eye, and you could see it when she turned her head. Emily kept her head straight. When you aren’t pretty, it’s about more than being loved. You become translucent. People find you uninteresting to speak to, and prefer to elide your presence when they can. You don’t show up in photographs. Emily found herself sufficient, and with immaculate severity, she shut the world out. For no one but herself, Emily kept herself austere. She did not pursue friendships, and she was not in the habit of doing favors. In fact, she seldom spoke. These qualities made her ideal for a certain line of work. Her uncle sold her a brick of hash on a monthly basis, and she supplemented this with her personal prescriptions for Adderall and Xanax. Dealing came easily to her; she had a natural sense for business. It was the money that it brought her which allowed her to reign over her world. She didn’t have to lean on her mother, and she never wanted for a thing. She examined herself in the full-length mirror on her bedroom door: plain black top, studded leather belt, black bondage pants, and steel-toed combat boots. Next came makeup. Emily seated herself at the vanity and set to work, beginning by applying a light layer of white foundation to her face, sweeping the brush in slow, practiced motions along the contours of her cheeks and jawline. With a dark blue eyeliner pencil, she drew a thin outline around her eyes. The focal point of her features was her lips, a closed gate painted indigo. When you aren’t pretty, everything has to be just so. Any flaw which might mar the image of an average person is perceived tenfold upon you, and any lapse in judgement or decorum earns instantaneous damnation. Emily did not delude herself regarding her appearance, but she saw no reason not to project total mastery of her person. All it took was discipline and vigilance. Emily packed her messenger bag with the usual things: her textbooks, a three-ring binder, several stamp bags, each packed with a gram of hash, a pair of pill bottles, and her compact carry pistol. The handgun was a Smith & Wesson Shield, which she’d bought from one of her uncle’s friends. She’d appended shimmering costume jewelry to the black grip. Emily knew that it wasn’t necessarily the brightest idea to be carrying a weapon to school, but she figured that if anyone went through her bag, she was sunk anyways. The pistol was her scepter, the seat of her imperious power. No matter what anyone said or did, though they might not have known it, they did so only by her tacit and merciful consent. If at any moment she decided that they had transgressed her beyond her tolerance, she could destroy them. In this way, she became unassailable. (I'm especially interested to find if the introduction of the gun is jarring enough to take you completely out of the story. It is going to be surprising, of course, to see a teenage girl bringing a pistol to school, but it does have an important function in the story and my hope is that it works to strengthen the core of her character, while also calling her conduct and beliefs into question. If it becomes a point that makes you question the integrity of the story or strikes you as otherwise disruptive, I'll have to rethink how I'm going to handle certain plot elements.)
|
|
#
?
Oct 28, 2014 20:30
|
|
|
Cache Cab posted:
My problem with this is that it felt like I was being beaten around the head with the moral.
|
|
#
?
Oct 28, 2014 21:15
|
|
|
Anathema Device posted:This is an old Thunderdome story of mine reworked based on crits and pared down drastically. I want to know if it works as a complete story, and any other feedback is welcome. This is a much cleaner rendition of your core idea, so good edits in that respect; but unfortunately that shows up the problems with the thinness of your core idea. It's a family history lesson with ghost trappings; and it feels like it's more significant for you than for your readers. So drunken ghost mum didn't want to abort our protag. Cool? So? It feels like this could be a perfectly competent part of a larger story but by itself it doesn't work.
|
|
#
?
Oct 28, 2014 21:17
|
|
|
Anonymous Robot posted:My past stories have been very lackluster in terms of characterization. I'm hoping to change that, by focusing primarily on developing a strong central character and making a personal crisis the center of my newest work. To that end, this is the start of the story, and I'd appreciate any insight about it. The characterizations themselves are OK, I think the issue here is the way that your characterization fits into your largest narrative. The biggest problem is that what you have here is relatively boring. This is a 500 word exposition dump, all delivered before we have any reason to really care about the character. We get five paragraphs of exposition before the character takes a single action, and when she finally does act it is just to look into the mirror, which is then followed by another paragraph of exposition. By the time we reach the revelation that she is carrying a gun the impact is muted because the readers eyes are glazing over. This is not to say that there's nothing interesting in your story. I like the psychological portrait your drawing and I like the way you've placed these little insights into how she behaves and how her appearance has affected her. The problem is that you need to be spreading this information out a bit more, and you also need to be looking for ways to show us this information through the actions of the character rather than just having the narrator tell us. It is hard to say more without seeing the rest of your story. However, if I were you I would think really long and hard about whether this is the right place to start your story. Opening with a character waking up and getting dressed is both a cliche and a fairly boring way to set off a story. You might want to just skip this part and start the story at whatever point where the conflict driving the narrative actually happens. Alternatively, you might at least think about revealing the presence of the gun earlier, maybe in the first two or three paragraphs. That at least will perk up the readers interest and encourage them to keep reading. Your writing style is competent and you've got a couple nice sentences but a lot of your descriptions didn't quite work for me. "Elide your presence", "immaculate severity", "a closed gate painted indigo", "transgressed her beyond her tolerance" all took me out of the narrative and felt like attempts to be a bit fancy that instead fell flat. You also have a few sentences that could be rewritten to be much stronger. The one that stuck out the most was "Emily knew that it wasn’t necessarily the brightest idea to be carrying a weapon to school." Why not just say "Emily knew it was dangerous to be carrying a weapon to school"? All that having been said, there was a lot in this piece that I enjoyed and I'm curious to know what direction the narrative is going in. So all these issues aside your story did capture my interest and I would definitely encourage you to keep working on it.
|
|
#
?
Oct 29, 2014 00:32
|
|
|
Helsing posted:The characterizations themselves are OK, I think the issue here is the way that your characterization fits into your largest narrative. Thanks for reading. I realize I'm kind of gambling in having this much exposition at the start of a story, and when the story is finished, there may be a place to move some pieces of this- the character will have another morning to wake up, and some of it might go there. I'm glad that you found it compelling enough to get through though, as the story launches into gear immediately after this (the next paragraph details how today will be the first day that her history teacher, suspended pending a lurid homicide case involving a love triangle that left one dead and the other in an asylum, is returning to class) and, if I do my job right, shouldn't ever let up after that. The language is on the purple side because the narrative is currently aligned with Emily, who uses condescension and austerity as defense mechanisms. When her mother enters the story in the next paragraph, Emily's voice is entirely suppressed and things become more prosaic. That being said, it's no excuse for the awkward phrasing or cliched language you pointed out, so thanks.
|
|
#
?
Oct 29, 2014 23:11
|
|
|
It's been a while since this thread was bumped, but Anonymous Robot, I wouldn't convey the character's appearance through her looking in a mirror. That's not only terribly cliché but also clumsy. Consider how you can convey the same stuff obliquely, as she does things or as others observe her. You've got a whole story's worth to deliver details, you do not have to cram them all in at the start.
|
|
#
?
Nov 9, 2014 16:26
|
|
|
Greetings? So, recently I decided to begin writing some sort of Synopsis or introduction to a project I am doing. I couldnt really for the longest time get down and do such a thing, but finally after a few days work, I've written something small that explains the most basic things, or so I hope atleast. When, Where, Why and How. Before I begin, two things: 1. The genre technically is Low Fantasy 2. All the characters in the story are non-humanoid (Gryphons in this case). They are completely sentient and sane. There are other “species” that are sentient on that note.[/b] quote:SYNOPSIS I appriciate your help.
|
|
#
?
Nov 9, 2014 23:20
|
|
|
TheGreekOwl posted:
I'm confused. You are calling this a synopsis or an introduction but those are very different things. It would help if you tell us which one it's meant to be. If this is something you are using to show your work to an editor or an agent, then you need to make it a complete synopsis and describe the protagonist's entire character arc with all its major beats. This also means you have to include the ending, whether or not the protagonist achieves or fails to achieve their goal, etc. This link covers synopses in more detail: http://janefriedman.com/2011/10/25/novel-synopsis/ If it's just an intro, then how do you intend to have this viewed? Is it going to be the first thing the reader sees? If that's the case then you need to ask yourself if you really need it. You might be better off starting the story in the middle of the action and then filling in all the background details as you go. The intro needs to have a good reason for being there, since it delays people from getting into the meat of your story. Also, whether this is an intro or a synopsis, it should stand on it's own without any preface. Unless it's supposed to be a twist, you should make the fact that the characters are non-human clear in the first paragraph at the very least if not in the first sentence. As far as the actual content goes, the biggest issue I think is the lack of specifics. Instead of saying that their greatest fear is this Anthropos(whatever this is) reaching the den, you should state what would happen if this were to occur. Give us a concrete example of what's at stake. Does it steal all their kids? wipe out the city-state? their entire species? etc. It's the same thing with the protagonist's tormented past. Give us specifics that show us why she is the way she is. Stuff like her psyche has been assaulted, and her ethics have been confused are so general and vague that they tell us almost nothing. You shouldn't give every detail, but give us enough concrete stuff so that we can get a feel for whats at stake and who the characters are. You need that to turn this from "some jaded ex-soldier battles her inner demons as she tries to save her people from existential threat #4312" to something more unique. It's a balancing act as you don't want to go overboard with info, but every sentence should have some specific and useful information that advances the story. If it's vague in any way, then cut or rewrite the sentence.
|
|
#
?
Nov 10, 2014 02:36
|
|
|
If anyone is interested I edit Flashers for Seizure Online and we are open to submissions from anywhere in the world. Now, we don't pay but I don't get money either and it's all about finding interesting flash fiction on a weekly basis. Submit! https://seizure.submittable.com/submit
|
|
#
?
Nov 10, 2014 05:08
|
|
|
what is your readership like, or whatever that term is? i.e. what benefit does the author get from submitting to your mag?
|
|
#
?
Nov 10, 2014 05:24
|
|
|
Seizure is one of the biggest literature portals in Australia. I don't actually have access to readership numbers as I don't have that level of power, but it's quite large (for Australia at least) and we are seen internationally too. Good opportunity to experiment or for an emerging writer to be edited/work with editors.
|
|
#
?
Nov 10, 2014 05:27
|
|
|
thehomemaster posted:Seizure is one of the biggest literature portals in Australia. I don't actually have access to readership numbers as I don't have that level of power, but it's quite large (for Australia at least) and we are seen internationally too. Good opportunity to experiment or for an emerging writer to be edited/work with editors. i know one Australian I will poke to submit something.
|
|
#
?
Nov 10, 2014 05:28
|
|
|
Biting the bullet and posting a 800~ word snippet from something I'm working on. This is the very start of the prologue, about 1/3 of the opening scene:quote:The corpse in its burlap sack is heavy on Raimut's shoulders, making him feel his age for the first time in a while. He trudges on through Svet-Dmitrin along the city's wooden sidewalks, his footsteps disconcertingly loud, hollow thumps in the silence of the late hour. The night is dark, overcast and far too hot for this late an hour, even in the summer. The only lights are infrequent gas lamps and the soft glow of an occasional window. Raimut walks the streets mostly by memory and guesswork.
|
|
#
?
Nov 10, 2014 09:37
|
|
|
JuniperCake posted:As far as the actual content goes, the biggest issue I think is the lack of specifics. Instead of saying that their greatest fear is this Anthropos(whatever this is) reaching the den, you should state what would happen if this were to occur. Give us a concrete example of what's at stake. Does it steal all their kids? wipe out the city-state? their entire species? etc. It's the same thing with the protagonist's tormented past. Give us specifics that show us why she is the way she is. Stuff like her psyche has been assaulted, and her ethics have been confused are so general and vague that they tell us almost nothing. First of all, I have to thank you for taking care to critique this small text, it pointed out a lot of my short fallings in regards to writing. But to continue, I did not elaborate on what the project is or if this is an intro/synopsis. The project is supposed to be a comic thats going to be put on a site. The small text is supposed to be a small introductory text meant to create interest in the story as well as give a general idea of the plot. Its going to be an external link in the front page that gives and introduction as to whats going on (as well as unrelated notes). I had to tell you that all the characters were not human because the art was going to make that evident by itself. As for the content, i've tried to remove the vagueness without losing any of th substance, through I believe I may have gone a bit long here. Through, what the Anthropos is and what the underground is are spoiler territory, (I refrain to call them twists) so it may be harder to give a proper explaination of the stakes so to speak. http://pastebin.com/8EbfmeMd this is my revised attempt. Again, thanks for any help.
|
|
#
?
Nov 10, 2014 14:24
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 29, 2024 20:12 |
|
|
It's so wordy and weird, and it's obvious you are ESL with some of the really awkward phrasing. "To participate in evil" used in two consecutive sentences; that phrasing is bad enough it should never be used even a single time. It isn't really a hook at all. It needs to be way shorter and succinct, maybe five sentences max. Here is an example of how you could condense it: quote:Its the winter of 320, in another world and time. Condense to: When Phonithia, a veteran of the SOMETHING SOMETHING, is called out of retirement to fight the (CHOOSE A GOOD ADJECTIVE) Anthropos, quote:The problem though is that in doing so, she opened herself to watching it all get blown away. She quickly realized that in killing others she had advertently participated in evil, because those dead enemy soldiers were not without parents, friends, or lovers. She had participated in evil, since she had broken the link between those people, she had hurt the caring of others, the same caring she had taken up herself. But she wondered, how was good and evil injected into this world, and more importantly, who cares of it. Everybody dies after all, but not everybody cares. Condense to: , she and her old friends must leave the City States (you could put something really short in here about leaving the complications of civilian life after having killed people with families etc., but make it like part of one sentence) to fight one last time. Then add in like one sentence that starts with "but," and put in the actual conflict that arises from the INCITING INCIDENT, which is the protagonist being called back to fight this thing. You can't make the conflict the thing that was happening while she was wallowing in the city, because that part is ending already and the actual conflict of the story is beginning once she is called to fight this thing. The way you've written your synopsis is making it like the main thrust of the conflict is this gryphon drinking and loving in the city while wallowing around about having killed people and not knowing if she should connect with people. From what I can gather this is not actually the story, it's the background, and you don't want to load your synopsis that should be a hook with boring background poo poo that won't even be part of the main plot. I'm guessing you will do flashbacks and poo poo, but that doesn't invalidate what I'm saying.
|
|
#
?
Nov 10, 2014 14:41
|
|