shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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Fool and the World: Dec 8, 2010

jabby posted:

If the event in question did happen its been exaggerated to gently caress. The way he describes using 'that move self-defense classes teach you' to instantly immobilize the guy. Not to mention punching a 50+ year old man in the face as hard as possible and the only repercussion is that he leaves.

Well of course its exaggerated. He's not the world's best writer but it's a lot more believable than 99% of the stories where everyone claps at the end.

# ? Nov 22, 2014 19:44

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# ? May 27, 2024 14:51

Stahlgeist: Nov 19, 2009

canyoneer posted:

Of course, it was the 90s - parents wouldn't get a second look for spanking their kid or giving them a slap if they were really mouthing off.

Ah, the '90s, a time so far behind us that the average internet denizen needs reminding of how commonplace it was for parents to slap their children around back in the day. I read that entire post with Abe Simpson's voice in my head.

# ? Nov 22, 2014 21:49

Decrepus: May 21, 2008; In the end, his dominion did not touch a single poster.

JGdmn posted:

"blocked his strike"

Have you even watched DBZ?

# ? Nov 22, 2014 23:10

JGdmn: Jun 12, 2005; Like I give a fuck.

No I don't know what that is. I'm sorry.

# ? Nov 23, 2014 00:44

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

JGdmn posted:

No I don't know what that is. I'm sorry.

Best quote/avatar combo.

I think that story is really poorly written. Why is any of it happening? "Hey, remember your abusive step father who I divorced? I told him he could stay at your house." Seems like a pretty big plot hole.

# ? Nov 23, 2014 07:45

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

jodai posted:

Best quote/avatar combo.
I think that story is really poorly written. Why is any of it happening? "Hey, remember your abusive step father who I divorced? I told him he could stay at your house." Seems like a pretty big plot hole.

It would be more believable if Frank had simply shown up one day, said he had a meeting in town, and then asked to stay.

# ? Nov 23, 2014 10:25

moerketid: Jul 3, 2012

The lady whose son was assaulted in Walmart for wearing a pink headband has a new stdh.txt blogpost to share with the world.

http://www.amotherthing.com/2014/11/comcast-conversation-makes-reevaluate-life/

Comcast calls her after seeing one of her tweets - despite having NONE OF HER INFORMATION YOU GUYS HOW SCARY - gets all sexist and even a touch anti-child on her. Particularly loving this quote:

quote:

It�s bad enough that we�re forced to go with providers who have legit monopolies, but to be told flat out by a technician that my kids can�t watch their favorite show on Netflix because they�re in �negotiations� and instead I have to wade through the Pornographic Pool of Filth (not that I�m complaining) that is HULU to find something kid-friendly because Comcast likes them best is decidedly poo poo

# ? Nov 23, 2014 12:49

watho: Aug 2, 2013; The real world will, again tomorrow, function and run without me.

quote:

(not that I�m complaining)

Yes. Yes you are.

# ? Nov 23, 2014 12:56

Palisader: Mar 14, 2012; DESPAIR MORTALS, FOR I WISH TO PLAY PATTY-CAKE

So she's pretty obviously bouncing off the previous issue Comcast had with a customer service rep giving a customer poo poo (though that one was recorded) and figures that no one will really question it if she embellishes or makes things up wholesale. But I wonder why she waited so long to write this? Doesn't it usually work better if you add your story in while people are still a little upset about the first thing?

# ? Nov 23, 2014 18:14

Imaduck: Apr 16, 2007; the magnetorotational instability turns me on

moerketid posted:

The lady whose son was assaulted in Walmart for wearing a pink headband has a new stdh.txt blogpost to share with the world.

http://www.amotherthing.com/2014/11/comcast-conversation-makes-reevaluate-life/

Comcast calls her after seeing one of her tweets - despite having NONE OF HER INFORMATION YOU GUYS HOW SCARY - gets all sexist and even a touch anti-child on her. Particularly loving this quote:

quote:

Me: Seriously? Look, my husband is at work, and I have three kids here who are going crazy not getting to watch their Netflix and�

CfC: (interrupting me) Well Netflix isn�t going to work anyway. We�re in negotiations with Netflix, and so we are throttling their speeds. You need to download HULU. We have a deal with them, so it will work perfectly.

...

CfC: Wait. You�re working from home?

Me: Well, I�m a writer, and �

CfC: (interrupting me) Well we have you down as a residential account. We need to upgrade you to a business account immediately. Let me just make the change. It�ll cost you more money.

...

Me: Look � I�m not �working� from home. I am a writer. I have a BLOG. That is the WORK I was referring to.

CfC: Oh. So you don�t have a REAL job.

Me: No. No I don�t.

CfC: You just stay at home. Your husband works.

Me: � Yah.

I'm surprised there wasn't a third part in which the CEO calls and accidentally admits that he's a Nazi that kicks puppies.

I scrolled down the comments expecting to see pages of people going "yeah, right," and instead there are pages of "wow, that's so crazy. You're such a trooper!" I guess she figured that people's rage against a lovely company will make them believe anything... and she was right.

Imaduck has a new favorite as of 21:01 on Nov 23, 2014

# ? Nov 23, 2014 20:37

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

I feel like most of her fans and half of her trolls are just puppet accounts. See also: her open letter to her son.

# ? Nov 23, 2014 22:07

Roro: Oct 9, 2012; HOO'S HEAD GOES ALL THE WAY AROUND?

jodai posted:

I feel like most of her fans and half of her trolls are just puppet accounts. See also: her open letter to her son.

Can I get a link to that? I don't really feel like having her website open on my computer.

# ? Nov 23, 2014 23:00

tangy yet delightful: Sep 13, 2005

Stahlgeist posted:

Ah, the '90s, a time so far behind us that the average internet denizen needs reminding of how commonplace it was for parents to slap their children around back in the day. I read that entire post with Abe Simpson's voice in my head.

With the average age of imgur users (that actually comment on the site) they were probably born post-Y2K. We're a bunch of old fuckers over here.

# ? Nov 23, 2014 23:29

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

Roro posted:

Can I get a link to that? I don't really feel like having her website open on my computer.

Here it is.

It's blatantly obvious that this isn't to her son. It's to everybody else about her son because nobody gave a poo poo about her kid except to be worried about his safety. Her kid was not famous. She was "famous" for being a loving loon. The idea of keeping a diary or something for your kids when they're older is actually nice but I don't think it should be kept in the same place as your made up stories about ComCast.

# ? Nov 23, 2014 23:45

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

quote:

This makes me so frustrated.

I went to a large all-you-can-eat buffet on one of its busiest days. It was packed. The food was worth the mass of body odor, however.

Anyways, I went up to the counter when out of the corner of my eye I saw a little girl, probably around 5 years old, wandering all alone with tears in her eyes. Naturally, I walked over to her and asked her if she was alright, and where her parents were. She responded, staring up at me pitifully, "that's the problem, I can't find my mommy."

I became concerned at this point, dropping down to her level. I asked her where she last saw her mother, and what her mother looked like, etc.
Finally, after searching for ten minutes straight with the girl in tow, I finally found her mom, in a conversation with another woman.

"Excuse me," I said as politely as I could, "is this your daughter?"

The mom turned to me and I almost gagged on the excess amount of perfume on her. "Ya," she replied, "what about her?"

I decided to be honest, telling her I found her daughter across the buffet and she seemed lost so I decided to help her.

The mother glared at me for a long moment while the friend she was talking to slunk away with a small farewell.

"Are you implying I don't know how to take care of my daughter?"

"No, ma'am, I just-"

"You're saying I'm a bad parent!" At this point she started going crazy, yelling at me about how great of a mom she was. Then she said the one thing that sent me over the edge, "My daughter was with me the whole time. That must make you a PEDOPHILE for leading her away when I wasn't looking and making up these stories!" She then scolded her daughter for a few moments for running off with strangers, while the girl insisted she didn't, that I was just trying to help.

At this point, let me mention that I have been "blessed" with a babyface. I may be 16 but I am often mistaken for 12, much to my distaste. How absurd is it for a "12 year old" to be a pedophile? Especially when I was trying to help!

I just said coolly, "Ma'am, if you are so concerned about pedophiles, then maybe you should do a better parenting job and actually watch your kid while in a busy setting." I was applauded by bystanders as her titanic rear end went back to their table, daughter in tow.

Just thought I should get that off my chest. It made me so frustrated.

# ? Nov 24, 2014 00:24

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

jodai posted:

Here it is.

It's blatantly obvious that this isn't to her son. It's to everybody else about her son because nobody gave a poo poo about her kid except to be worried about his safety. Her kid was not famous. She was "famous" for being a loving loon. The idea of keeping a diary or something for your kids when they're older is actually nice but I don't think it should be kept in the same place as your made up stories about ComCast.

Good lord that is a bunch of self-centered crap.

# ? Nov 24, 2014 00:59

Noyemi K: Dec 9, 2012; youll always be so sleepy when youre this tiny *plompf*

The Ryan's Steakhouse Story, while a good and entertaining story, is almost certainly STDH in my expert opinion.

# ? Nov 24, 2014 01:41

bonestructure: Sep 25, 2008; by Ralp

You're a weird kid, Noyemi, but I like you

# ? Nov 24, 2014 02:50

GAINING WEIGHT...: Mar 26, 2007; See? Science proves the ~~Jews~~Muslims are inferior and must be purged! I'm not a racist, honest!

Khazar-khum posted:

California schools suck.

with WATER-SOLUBLE INK. See I'm not a MONSTER but...

# ? Nov 24, 2014 03:54

JGdmn: Jun 12, 2005; Like I give a fuck.

jodai posted:

Here it is.

It's blatantly obvious that this isn't to her son. It's to everybody else about her son because nobody gave a poo poo about her kid except to be worried about his safety. Her kid was not famous. She was "famous" for being a loving loon. The idea of keeping a diary or something for your kids when they're older is actually nice but I don't think it should be kept in the same place as your made up stories about ComCast.

So maybe (surely) I'm out of it, but why does she think she's famous?

# ? Nov 24, 2014 04:36

WaltherFeng: May 15, 2013; 50 thousand people used to live here. Now, it's the Mushroom Kingdom.

Somehow all those random bystanders were spying on their conversation in a presumably overcrowded restaurant with noise levels equal to school cafeterias.

# ? Nov 24, 2014 05:30

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

moerketid posted:

The lady whose son was assaulted in Walmart for wearing a pink headband has a new stdh.txt blogpost to share with the world.

http://www.amotherthing.com/2014/11/comcast-conversation-makes-reevaluate-life/

Comcast calls her after seeing one of her tweets - despite having NONE OF HER INFORMATION YOU GUYS HOW SCARY - gets all sexist and even a touch anti-child on her. Particularly loving this quote:

Here's my favorite part.

quote:

They were able to view our account details, despite me never giving them any information.

Accounting programs! How do they work?

# ? Nov 24, 2014 08:54

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

jodai posted:

Here it is.

It's blatantly obvious that this isn't to her son. It's to everybody else about her son because nobody gave a poo poo about her kid except to be worried about his safety. Her kid was not famous. She was "famous" for being a loving loon. The idea of keeping a diary or something for your kids when they're older is actually nice but I don't think it should be kept in the same place as your made up stories about ComCast.

But it should be kept with the 'abysmal poetry' and fiction.

# ? Nov 24, 2014 08:58

Anil Dikshit: Apr 11, 2007

Khazar-khum posted:

But it should be kept with the 'abysmal poetry' and fiction.

From the letter to her son.

quote:

I also wrote a lot of fiction. I have always wanted to be a writer, and I joined up with communities that allowed me to share my stories and have them critiqued. Some of those stories were true, some were exaggerated, and some were just downright made up.

# ? Nov 24, 2014 09:28

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

JGdmn posted:

So maybe (surely) I'm out of it, but why does she think she's famous?

She made a story about how some random dude hit her son at Walmart for having a pink headband. It got picked up by every lovely click baiting outlet as "OMG CIS MONSTER HITS CHILD". the increased exposure meant people saw through her bullshit.

She had a nervous breakdown.

It was glorious.

# ? Nov 24, 2014 14:49

Megera: Sep 9, 2008

Non Serviam posted:

She had a nervous breakdown.

I know we're not in the schadenfreude thread, but I'd like to read some STH please.

# ? Nov 24, 2014 19:33

Noyemi K: Dec 9, 2012; youll always be so sleepy when youre this tiny *plompf*

Actually this is the shittiest and most circular derail ever, they already posted why she had the nervous breakdown and the aftermath of that god drat just post poo poo that's hilariously made up.

I used to think this site was pretty funny until I realized for some people it's clearly a fetish thing.

# ? Nov 24, 2014 19:38

cage-free egghead: Mar 8, 2004

moerketid posted:

The lady whose son was assaulted in Walmart for wearing a pink headband has a new stdh.txt blogpost to share with the world.

http://www.amotherthing.com/2014/11/comcast-conversation-makes-reevaluate-life/

Comcast calls her after seeing one of her tweets - despite having NONE OF HER INFORMATION YOU GUYS HOW SCARY - gets all sexist and even a touch anti-child on her. Particularly loving this quote:

Haha this is the most I've ever rolled my eyes reading something. Even the loving title made me sigh and immediately come to the conclusion that this is going to be a wild ride of bullshit. Was not disappointed.

quote:

It�s just that sometimes certain people have better luck using our equipment than others. By your own admission, it worked when your husband did it last night. So he can probably get it to work again.

loving lol

# ? Nov 24, 2014 20:10

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

Megera posted:

I know we're not in the schadenfreude thread, but I'd like to read some STH please.

I'm sure the breakdown was true. You'd also have one if everyone was calling out on your clearly bullshit story.

I love that she didn't learn and decided to make up another one.

# ? Nov 25, 2014 16:01

Narciss: Nov 29, 2004; by Cowcaster

From the D&D Ferguson thread:

bassguitarhero posted:

I did have a likely Klan member try to get me into his car while I was walking from one church to the next in Ferguson. Can't confirm that he was Klan but I've never had a random big white dude in a pick up truck try to get me to get in his car before.

20 minutes later I was walking with an old black lady from Ferguson who told me, without my mentioning the pick up truck guy, that Klan members like to drive around and offer black people "rides" and make them disappear. Take that for what you will.

Equine Don posted:

Please don't make up stories, especially considering I walking right next you for most of that very day.

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Nov 25, 2014 16:11

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

Post/avatar gold right here folks.

# ? Nov 25, 2014 16:28

Narciss: Nov 29, 2004; by Cowcaster

walrusman posted:

Post/avatar gold right here folks.

Goons tend to do this cool thing where they buy you red text avatars that often aren't totally supported by the views you hold. Shocking, I know.

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Nov 25, 2014 16:30

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

I know, I had a brony avatar for a couple years until somebody got tired of looking at it and replaced it with the thing I'm sporting now.

It's still funny, though.

# ? Nov 25, 2014 17:26

TheObserver: Nov 7, 2012

Your sig is too big and annoying and you turn it on in every post like a loving dipshit.

# ? Nov 25, 2014 23:10

Facepalm Ranger: Jan 17, 2012; SOME PEOPLE FIND HOME APPLIANCES SEXUALLY AROUSING! ZORDS ARE NOT APPLIANCES, DAMMIT!

ibntumart posted:

"Excuse me ma'am but, we have several signs of poo poo that didn't happen in this fictitious event".

Why do they always sound like police officers?? :confused:

And of course he was applauded for his amazing ability to call out a bitch mother. I'm surprised the story didn't end with him taking the child away, raising her as his own then getting married to it all the while the same people from the restaurant never stop clapping.

# ? Nov 26, 2014 03:20

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Facepalm Ranger posted:

"Excuse me ma'am but, we have several signs of poo poo that didn't happen in this fictitious event".

Why do they always sound like police officers??

And of course he was applauded for his amazing ability to call out a bitch mother. I'm surprised the story didn't end with him taking the child away, raising her as his own then getting married to it all the while the same people from the restaurant never stop clapping.

I think it's about time we had a Woody Allen biopic

# ? Nov 26, 2014 04:06

WaltherFeng: May 15, 2013; 50 thousand people used to live here. Now, it's the Mushroom Kingdom.

Facepalm Ranger posted:

"Excuse me ma'am but, we have several signs of poo poo that didn't happen in this fictitious event".

Why do they always sound like police officers??

And of course he was applauded for his amazing ability to call out a bitch mother. I'm surprised the story didn't end with him taking the child away, raising her as his own then getting married to it all the while the same people from the restaurant never stop clapping.

They don't want to look bad in their fantasies.

# ? Nov 26, 2014 05:26

davidspackage: May 16, 2007; Nap Ghost

Facepalm Ranger posted:

"Excuse me ma'am but, we have several signs of poo poo that didn't happen in this fictitious event".

Why do they always sound like police officers??

And of course he was applauded for his amazing ability to call out a bitch mother. I'm surprised the story didn't end with him taking the child away, raising her as his own then getting married to it all the while the same people from the restaurant never stop clapping.

Forever clapping, their hands worn to bloody nubs, their faces twisted in agonized rictus grins. They are the damned that never happened.

# ? Nov 26, 2014 09:21

Serperoth: Feb 21, 2013

It came from imgur:

as a white girl dating a black guy this is MRW his friends tell him "how can you date our enemy" when im standing next to them

stop thinking so racially please, majority of people of every race are tired and simply want to live their lives with their loved ones

A few comments are calling it fake, and many more are racist 'jokes'.

# ? Nov 26, 2014 11:55

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# ? May 27, 2024 14:51

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Facepalm Ranger posted:

"Excuse me ma'am but, we have several signs of poo poo that didn't happen in this fictitious event".

Why do they always sound like police officers??

Just the facts, ma'am.

# ? Nov 26, 2014 12:00

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