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Seriously. The approach you want to take is "you are broken, let me fix you," which is a good way to make her (rightfully so) defensive and unwilling to work with you on what is actually wrong. Read the books yourself and use that knowledge to work with her at her pace and off of her reactions, if she wants to get to that place with you, she will. The only thing that you can do is be patient, respectful and supportive
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Dec 13, 2014 22:28
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neongrey posted:The Hitachi is not percussive at all; it's actually an incredibly buzzy motor. It gets by on power alone. What your GF probably needs is more 'rumbly' vibrations. Again, you want the We-Vibe Tango for that, or the We-Vibe Touch for the same motor in a slightly more ergonomic package. And power! Hoo-boy, it's powerful. USB charging was god's gift to vibrators, let me tell you. Thanks for the suggestions, I went for the We Vibe Touch - if that little thing is as strong as the Magic Wand it's going to make travelling way easier. e: If anyone else was considering, the one I got was ~$30 on Amazon (instead of $100 on the main site) black.lion fucked around with this message at 02:40 on Dec 14, 2014 |
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Dec 14, 2014 02:37
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I wouldn't say it's 'as strong' given there's not much you can do to beat wall current (though the Touch definitely packs a surprising lot of power), but it's very different when you can put that pinpoint tip on a clit as opposed to dealing with the baseball-sized Hitachi head. And it's higher-quality vibrations, if that makes any sort of sense just through description. It's really something you have to encounter in person for it to really click. I think you'll both be very pleased with the buy though, the Touch feels great in the hand, and even better in use.
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Dec 14, 2014 02:43
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You're over thinking it. Just put your dilz in and pretend for 15 minutes that you a confident, emotionally mature person, and it will take care of itself.
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Dec 14, 2014 03:24
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Thank you all for the advice that was kind and helpful. Sorry to have set a few of you off, didn't really know where that came from but I'm in a sex column on the internet so it's expected. I guess I got a little over analytical. That's why I decided to come here and get some different perspectives before I did something potentially stupid. Also, sorry to have sounded a little yee haw on the whole "past guys" thing. I'm not about to don a fedora and go all batman on anyone.
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Dec 14, 2014 04:48
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Captain Log posted:I'm not about to don a fedora and go all batman on anyone. Hey, don't kink-shame 
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Dec 14, 2014 05:06
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hoobajoo posted:Make sure she knows it's fine to have sex that doesn't end with an orgasm, and an orgasm won't have to end the sex either. A lot, and I mean a LOT, of women think a man won't do anything sexual to finish her off if he comes first, and these same men will bitch and moan if they don't get their blowjob-PIV-nut-cleanup flowchart sex like in the pornos. Also make it clear you'll never ego trip out if she didn't like something, she wanted to stop, or if she has any criticism. I've always thought like this. Of course, it doesn't help that most of the Internet that I read as a teenager consisted of "Hey, my girl won't deep-throat me after I watched that romantic comedy with her, what do?"  It made me feel like sex was a bargaining tool and that I'd better be prepared to deep throat my guy or else he'd leave me for the more attractive and able-bodied girl. I didn't bother to ask any counselors about this because I didn't have any boyfriends and I assume that was what you had to do to keep a guy. As a result, I now have this mind-set where I have to make a guy happy because being with a disabled women is stressful and there is ALWAYS someone better. But you and Captain Log give me hope that maybe guys can be patient human beings after all.  TL;DR: Growing up as a disabled woman can really gently caress-up your self esteem and the Internet can sometimes make it worse.
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Dec 14, 2014 21:55
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Violet_Sky posted:I've always thought like this. Of course, it doesn't help that most of the Internet that I read as a teenager consisted of "Hey, my girl won't deep-throat me after I watched that romantic comedy with her, what do?" I appreciate the kind words. I grew up and made it through most of college before streaming porn was everywhere. Hearing things like this depress me about the state of "manhood" or however you would call it. I would just hope you can keep looking for guys with a healthy sexual appetite. Sure, a little freaky porn star sex is fun every now and then but I don't really get what makes it so desirable. I've always thought a partner's pleasure is a lot more of a turn on than anything else but gently caress, what do I know. I'm the guy who came into this thread the other day wondering if I should get a girl a God damned book to help with a problem I couldn't wrap my head around. Somethingawful is great for getting perspective on things. Being a diagnosed guy with severe anxiety problems (I don't think I'm insecure, just anxious) sometimes a thread like this can provide the "dunk your head into a sink of cold water" perspective you need. Even though the responses in any thread seem to range from about a quarter helpful advice, a quarter funny advice, a quarter condescending advice, and a quarter vitriol laced strange hatred. But I love you all anyways.  I would always rather get my mistakes out to a thread of internet strangers than in bed with a lady I dig.
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Dec 15, 2014 07:21
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Are you receiving any professional help with your anxiety? You might want to try that. Seriously, no judgement here, there's nothing wrong with seeking treatment for anxiety, tons of people do that. You're having violent fantasies about going out and physically attacking someone for something as harmless as being an uncaring sexual partner; that's not a very healthy attitude to take
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Dec 15, 2014 08:41
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I...errr...I'm fine. I don't venture around these parts of the forums much so maybe I should have stayed quiet. I'm not having some weird fantasies about hurting people and I apologize if it came off that way. I guess I'm saying I don't really know how to respond to that and...thanks for caring?
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Dec 15, 2014 10:57
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Violet_Sky posted:I've always thought like this. Of course, it doesn't help that most of the Internet that I read as a teenager consisted of "Hey, my girl won't deep-throat me after I watched that romantic comedy with her, what do?" Thanks, I really appreciate it. I never get guys who seem content to have begrudging debt-sex, it's the loving worst. Like they don't get that if you can get your lady enthusiastic about sex, you get better sex more often. Captain Log posted:I...errr...I'm fine. I don't venture around these parts of the forums much so maybe I should have stayed quiet. I'm not having some weird fantasies about hurting people and I apologize if it came off that way. I guess I'm saying I don't really know how to respond to that and...thanks for caring? He's just saying if you have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, seeking help with it may well improve your quality of life and ability to see things objectively and clearly. Or at least that's what I think; I was diagnosed with major depression three years ago, and these have been the best three years of my life because it brought so many disparate problems in my life into focus, and helped me figure a lot of poo poo out. Not just with myself either, but I'm a better friend, better worker, and better husband than when I went in for treatment, no doubt. And antidepressants are a goddamned miracle. Just my experience, I wish someone had pushed me to see someone sooner, so I'm always trying to promote good mental health. Also, if it gives you hope, I grew up with the Internet, a ready stream of double anal deep throating videos at my beck and call, and I still managed to figure out porn is stuff that looks hot, not stuff that feels good.
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Dec 15, 2014 11:25
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Yeah, I should really seek therapy for my E/N issues involving sex and attraction, but I really don't know if its worth it. It basically is a lifetime of issues that I just learned existed a year ago and I feel that most people wouldn't understand.  Also, I recently took a history of sexuality class and we watched a few scenes from Deep Throat It almost blew my mind that the female characters pursued their own sexuality and got men to pleasure them. I understand that Deep Throat was shown in mainstream cinemas, so it was pretty sophisticated by porn standards, but what the hell happened to hetero porn? A lot of the heterosexual female students said that they preferred watching lesbian porn to het porn.
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Dec 15, 2014 22:38
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Violet_Sky posted:Yeah, I should really seek therapy for my E/N issues involving sex and attraction, but I really don't know if its worth it. It basically is a lifetime of issues that I just learned existed a year ago and I feel that most people wouldn't understand. It's a therapist's job to understand those kind of issues. It can take a couple tries to find someone that is a good fit for you, but even then, it's really helpful just to have a place and time that forces you to examine your thoughts and actions vocally, with someone to provide direction and an outside perspective. Deep Throat was shown in major theaters, because porn was shown in major theaters up until the 80s, as I recall, when there was a big push by the moral majority to get theaters to stop showing X and NC17 rated films. I don't know why porn moved on to more and more extreme content, but there is sex-positive porn out there as well. hoobajoo fucked around with this message at 22:49 on Dec 15, 2014 |
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Dec 15, 2014 22:45
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Violet_Sky posted:Yeah, I should really seek therapy for my E/N issues involving sex and attraction, but I really don't know if its worth it. It basically is a lifetime of issues that I just learned existed a year ago and I feel that most people wouldn't understand. You might also want to read up on the star, Linda Lovelace/Boreman, and how the movie was actually made.
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Dec 16, 2014 02:25
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hoobajoo posted:It's a therapist's job to understand those kind of issues. It can take a couple tries to find someone that is a good fit for you, but even then, it's really helpful just to have a place and time that forces you to examine your thoughts and actions vocally, with someone to provide direction and an outside perspective. There was an attempt in the '70s to get porn into the mainstream. In the early to mid 70s, you could actually go to the (back then) equivalent of a Regal Cinema and see Deep Throat and Behind the Green Door in the same theater where you saw Patton and The French Connection. By around the time I graduated high school ('79) about the only theaters that were still showing porn were the low-rent inner-city types that were desperate to stay open because of 'white flight.' There may or may not be a few left. I thought they all kind of died out since the advent of VHS. The kind of porn you can easily access online today was relegated to "Adult" bookstores in places like NYC where you went into a booth and put quarters into a slot. Or, if you knew a guy who knew a guy, you could get an 8mm stag reel. The guys from the other thread were right. drat I'm old.
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Dec 16, 2014 02:28
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Cat Army
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Anne Whateley posted:That's, uh, an optimistic reading of a woman "pursuing her sexuality" (only getting off by giving blowjobs). You don't think it's about the male fantasy of "what if I got blowjobs all the time and I didn't have to do anything"? I'm aware of Linda's claims, but somehow I thought that Deep Throat actually attempted to portray women in porn in a somewhat better light. It's supposed to be a comedic piece and the premise is weird, (someone in class said afterwards that "somewhere, a biologist is crying"), but the portrayal of women could be worse. Violet_Sky fucked around with this message at 03:03 on Dec 16, 2014 |
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Dec 16, 2014 03:00
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My favorite of the trying-to-be-classy mainstream porn of the 70s is Emmanuelle. It's worth taking a look at, especially the U.S. release version (with the rape edited out).
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Dec 16, 2014 04:38
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*said through huge, limp monkey lips* butte stuff
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Dec 16, 2014 05:29
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Captain Log posted:Somethingawful is great for getting perspective on things. Being a diagnosed guy with severe anxiety problems (I don't think I'm insecure, just anxious) sometimes a thread like this can provide the "dunk your head into a sink of cold water" perspective you need. Even though the responses in any thread seem to range from about a quarter helpful advice, a quarter funny advice, a quarter condescending advice, and a quarter vitriol laced strange hatred. But I love you all anyways. if somebody on something awful gets mad at you for doing something retarded, it's because they did it themselves in the past, no exceptions
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Dec 16, 2014 05:35
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hoobajoo posted:I never get guys who seem content to have begrudging debt-sex, it's the loving worst. I was baffled by this post for days because I kept parsing it as "I can never land the guys who are alright with begrudging debt-sex" and it made no sense. quite the fucker posted:if somebody ftfy
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Dec 16, 2014 19:52
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Okay I think taking things into account I'd rather go for a cheap but decent vibrator for my girlfriend just to try things out. Trojan bullets and rabbits seem to be both around 20-30 bucks. What should I take into consideration to decide between the two? They look obviously very different so I figure they're used differently?
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Dec 17, 2014 05:07
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Artificer posted:Okay I think taking things into account I'd rather go for a cheap but decent vibrator for my girlfriend just to try things out. Trojan bullets and rabbits seem to be both around 20-30 bucks. What should I take into consideration to decide between the two? They look obviously very different so I figure they're used differently? Yeah, they're very different. I recommend a bullet. You can aim it easily and most of them have a dial to adjust speed or some different settings so you can figure out what she likes. In my experience, rabbits can be kinda hit or miss depending on how they fit (if the shaft is too long the ears won't hit her clit right). I feel like you need an idea of what you like in order to choose a good one in terms of features too. A bullets a better beginner toy.
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Dec 17, 2014 06:20
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Skutter fucked around with this message at 03:09 on Jan 16, 2015 |
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Dec 17, 2014 15:46
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AlbieQuirky posted:My favorite of the trying-to-be-classy mainstream porn of the 70s is Emmanuelle. It's worth taking a look at, especially the U.S. release version (with the rape edited out). I worked at a Blockbuster video around 2006ish and we still had several Emmanuelle films on VHS. They did a few sequels if I remember correctly. I don't think I ever saw anybody rent them though.
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Dec 17, 2014 16:39
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Basebf555 posted:I worked at a Blockbuster video around 2006ish and we still had several Emmanuelle films on VHS. They did a few sequels if I remember correctly. I don't think I ever saw anybody rent them though. I always found it amusing that Blockbuster didn't have an "adult" section, but Family Video did.
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Dec 17, 2014 17:22
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Avalinka posted:Yeah, they're very different. I recommend a bullet. You can aim it easily and most of them have a dial to adjust speed or some different settings so you can figure out what she likes. In my experience, rabbits can be kinda hit or miss depending on how they fit (if the shaft is too long the ears won't hit her clit right). I feel like you need an idea of what you like in order to choose a good one in terms of features too. A bullets a better beginner toy. Also that a bullet is much less intimidating to a beginner than a rabbit. Amazon has a bunch of cheap toys that are basically what you'd find in your average sorta lovely sex shop like this bullet for $5 or this nicer/more functions model for $10. I've heard good things about the Mood line from Doc Johnson. I'd stay far far away from jelly toys because they can melt and after seeing one of mine get slimy, I tossed all my lovely toys.  I stick with glass, metal, silicone and hard plastic now. If you're looking to buy something in person, I'd still avoid the Trojan/Durex branded toys because they're overpriced for what they are. Certain "back massagers" are functionally the same as a pocket rocket, just rebranded. I'd also suggest to buy a bulk pack of batteries if the toy uses the annoying little watch batteries, you can get 50 for $5 because there is nothing worse than a toy going dead at the wrong time and not having those batteries just lying around.
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Dec 17, 2014 18:42
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Best toy or device for helping find one's g-spot? I'm pretty convinced I don't even have one at this point. Doesn't help that I don't EVER have a sex drive. But hey, might as well give it a shot.
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Dec 22, 2014 04:15
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Njoy Pure Wand, Jopen Key Comet G Wand, Picobong Moka. Reviews all here; she's some sort of g-spotting wizard so she should be able to point you right.
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Dec 22, 2014 04:20
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Njoy Fun Wand and a partner who's not too afraid of hurting you.
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Dec 22, 2014 05:06
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Anne Whateley posted:Njoy Fun Wand and a partner who's not too afraid of hurting you. This sounds horrifying and painful. I've only been with one partner (my husband) so I am completely sexually inexperienced. And shy. You know. With sex things.
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Dec 22, 2014 05:31
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anaaki posted:Best toy or device for helping find one's g-spot? I'm pretty convinced I don't even have one at this point. Doesn't help that I don't EVER have a sex drive. But hey, might as well give it a shot. Not everyone likes G-spot stimulation, just like not everyone likes stimulation of the external clitoris. If it isn't for you, it isn't for you. "Shy about sex things" is probably more of a key thing to work with than finding specific toys. I will let someone else make a "magic bullet" joke. Best of luck. AlbieQuirky fucked around with this message at 05:57 on Dec 22, 2014 |
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Dec 22, 2014 05:55
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Yeah, a toy that can laser-strike a g-spot (like the ones I listed will) won't suddenly give you a sex drive; worth trying the Comet wand or the Moka if only because they're not very pricey, but while they are absolutely great tools for the job, no one can guarantee it's the job you actually want done.
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Dec 22, 2014 05:59
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anaaki posted:This sounds horrifying and painful. Some guys are scared and not sure what they're doing, so they err on the side of being super delicate because they're afraid they'll break something. If you like a delicate butterfly touch, that's cool, but your G-spot is kind of embedded up in there so it won't feel anything that way. I don't mean you need someone who's like "hell yeah, I'm going to break you in half," just somebody who's not afraid to apply pressure. It's like a massage, where they need a little bit of force to reach and relax your muscles. But if you don't like massages, that's cool, you don't have to.
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Dec 22, 2014 06:35
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AlbieQuirky posted:I will let someone else make a "magic bullet" joke. Best of luck. I do have one of those It's pretty much the only toy I've ever had. Anne Whateley posted:You don't have to do it if you don't want to. Only do it if it sounds fun to you. I guess I didn't realize it took so much pressure, which could be why I haven't found it yet. We've been together 7 years, but all we've established is "the routine". I get oral sex (since that's the only thing that works for me, so far) and then missionary. Exciting. We both just got frustrated over time because I felt "broken" and he felt less like a man because he couldn't get me off. My vagina literally feels nothing. No pleasure, no pain. Again, my husband was my first and all I knew about sex was from movies and TV where women just screamed, clung to their partners, and magically had orgasms. My husband was with a few gals before me in his teens and early twenties, but he is pretty sure they faked it and they barely did anymore more than just lay there as he fumbled around. I was his first committed adult relationship where he actually cared about me enjoying my time as well. I'm interested in figuring out more, I've just had that uphill battle of insecurity, stress, being uncomfortable with sexuality, Catholic guilt/shame, traumatic non-consent sex incident from my teen years, etc etc. (Yes, I'm in therapy) I decided on the Lelo Mona-2 since it seems versatile and had pretty good reviews from that site you posted. The best part is my husband said he'd buy it for me for Christmas 
anaaki fucked around with this message at 16:02 on Dec 22, 2014 |
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Dec 22, 2014 15:57
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Think about the pressure of a firm back massage. That's about the level, if it's something you want to do. But this part -- anaaki posted:We've been together 7 years, but all we've established is "the routine". I get oral sex (since that's the only thing that works for me, so far) and then missionary. Exciting. We both just got frustrated over time because I felt "broken" and he felt less like a man because he couldn't get me off. My vagina literally feels nothing. No pleasure, no pain. Your junk is working totally as intended. It's normal and fine not to get off just from penetrative sex. Coming from oral is actually way more normal. You aren't broken whatsoever. If you want to try new things, you could try touching yourself, using a vibrator, etc., while he's loving you (maybe in new positions). But seriously, what's happening now is super super normal and good. It's not broken at all. What will have a bad effect is you getting all worried about you being broken and him being unhappy. His "less like a man because he couldn't get you off" hangup is actually seriously broken and weird. First of all, whether or not you can come has nothing to do with how much of a man he is; different people need different stimulation, that's not a reflection on their partner. And second, he IS getting you off! All the time, apparently! His dick just isn't magical. Big surprise, dicks are not magical, and just sticking them in is not enough for the majority of women. If he won't be satisfied until that happens, he's going to be waiting a long loving time, so he shouldn't get hung up on that goal. It's good that you're in therapy, but can/have you talked about this with your therapist? Is your husband open to talking to your therapist or doctor and finding out how normal this is? Seriously, nobody has been hung up on vaginal orgasms since Freud. Finally, I don't want to naysay you, but I also don't want to give you false hope. Even if you can find and enjoy your G-spot with toys or fingers, that doesn't mean it will be stimulated during penetrative sex at all. Even if everything goes perfectly with the toy, you getting off with it is still going to be you getting off basically the way you do now. Which is great, and it's fun to learn new tricks and everything, but if he's not satisfied when he makes you come from oral, how is that different from him making you come with a toy?
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Dec 22, 2014 16:13
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Anne Whateley posted:
I've talked about it in therapy and my husband and I talk a lot, plus he has sat in therapy with me. He's completely supportive. I just recently realized that what took place when I was 14 was non consensual, which was a whole load of shame off of me, and I intend on bringing that up at my next session. Since I am almost 30 and have no sex drive, I decided to take charge. I've seen my doctors and we are working on finding the right medications. I was on Effexor which apparently really screws with sex drive, so now I am on a different AD. I switched birth control because of my hormone levels. I was also diagnosed with ADHD-I last year so I am working on maintaining focus during sex and not "hmmm... I need to get those cobwebs off the ceiling. I really need a new light fixture." I appreciate the realistic expectations. I feel like I at least have to give it a try and see what I can do. It sounds like the Mona-2 is pretty versatile, so even if there is no g-spot revelation, I can try it for some external stimulation during sex. We never really thought to experiment much with that kind of stuff and my husband said he would be okay if I had to use a toy during. Thanks everyone for the info
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Dec 22, 2014 16:30
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I've always been in a relationship, but I've always been more into porn and my own fantasies. When I had sex, it was to please my partner. How pleasing could it possibly be to know that your partner is kind of soft during sex with you though. During sex I have had to focus on fantasies and strain to cum. I decided I wanted to fix it. I came clean to my partner, I apologized, and I told her the depth of my kink. It wasn't a complete surprise because I told her I had it early on in our relationship. She didn't ask any questions about it so I thought she just didn't want to know. I've got two problems. One is the being soft during sex and not being in the moment. I promised her I wouldn't look at anything erotic on the internet ever again, and she has full access to my browsing history, plus gets a very terse email about whether I may have looked at something mature for accountability. Now that the porno has been kicked to the curb I am focusing on not straining or thinking of something other than my partner during sex. It takes a very long time to reach climax, if ever. I am already staying harder, so at least there is progress. My partner is working with me patiently and I am grateful. The question is: What can I do to reach climax faster/easier? My partner likes to be woken up for sex, but I don't think she would like having sex for an hour at two in the morning. The second question - and its not exactly about sex. I need to feel like my partner is very in control out of the bedroom. I thought this was a kink thing. I didn't realize I needed this to feel deeply, intimately connected with my partner. I've realized it is an emotional craving not a sexual one, and that is why I have had such un-fulfilling long term relationships. Anyone know of any books that aren't fundy christian or erotic in any way on this topic? I'd like to better understand why I feel this way.
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Dec 22, 2014 16:50
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keyvin posted:I've always been in a relationship, but I've always been more into porn and my own fantasies. When I had sex, it was to please my partner. How pleasing could it possibly be to know that your partner is kind of soft during sex with you though. During sex I have had to focus on fantasies and strain to cum. I decided I wanted to fix it. I came clean to my partner, I apologized, and I told her the depth of my kink. It wasn't a complete surprise because I told her I had it early on in our relationship. She didn't ask any questions about it so I thought she just didn't want to know. You know it's not unusual or wrong to fantasize about things other than your partner during sex. Part of your problem might just be that you're putting so much pressure on yourself to do everything the "correct" way instead of just going along with whatever turns you on in the moment.
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Dec 22, 2014 17:46
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It sounds like you probably need to just get used to a slightly more organic way of doing things without a ton of porn, but it is possible to overthink poo poo, especially in the moment. Give yourself time, try to be as physically healthy as you can (that helps with the whole hard/soft question) and don't be too hard on yourself. It is OK for the person you're having sex with to be the object of your fantasies only some of the time. It probably wouldn't be OK if it was none of the time. Unless you've been married for a long time. 
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Dec 22, 2014 17:52
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anaaki posted:I do have one of those People have already said this in different ways but I want to make an additional point. I'm the opposite of you: I'm not shy sexually, I'm adventurous and I've had kind of a lot of partners of both sexes. My husband and I do all kinds of crazy poo poo and I have never, ever come from just penetrative sex alone. The clitoris has to be stimulated at the same time and it's still super unusual for me to finish during sex. I have the Njoy Pure Wand (one of the g-spot toys recommended above) and while it's absolutely loving mind-blowing (to the point where I've been near tears from it - the good way) I STILL can't come without adding a vibrator to my clit at the end. The point to my sharing all this is to say that what you think are the reasons sex doesn't work for you are probably only a small part of the issue. My advice is this: start masturbating. When you get that toy, use it by yourself a few times yourself first. Figure out how to use it by yourself before using it with your husband. Figure out what you like on your own - don't put all the pressure on your husband to find it for you. When you know what feels good to you, you can take that knowledge into the bedroom and share it with him. Edit: Oh, and touch yourself during sex. HoAssHo fucked around with this message at 19:02 on Dec 22, 2014 |
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Dec 22, 2014 18:57
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