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My in-laws really go Christmas-crazy. Three seperate gift-openings, each with a huge pile of toys. And the kids are currently playing with (and fighting over) a cardboard box. Kids these days.
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Dec 27, 2014 21:18
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hooliganesh posted:What.the.gently caress? That's 73% of my take-home monthly income. Granted, we're in a flyover state and work for non-profits (ergo, we don't make much) but seriously: what.the.gently caress? I know having kids is expensive, but that's [more than] mortgage money [in many states]. This is why people tend to leave California when they start having kids. And why all of the people in the surrounding states hate us. It's half our mortgage, so it's not like it's throwaway money. But if we were paying for two kids at the same time then it would be seriously eating into the second income. That's part of the reason we're waiting for the second, so that by the time maternity leave is done and #2 is in daycare, #1 will be in public school.
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Dec 27, 2014 21:34
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sullat posted:My in-laws really go Christmas-crazy. Three seperate gift-openings, each with a huge pile of toys. And the kids are currently playing with (and fighting over) a cardboard box. Kids these days. More like adults these days, the kids seem to know whats up.
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Dec 27, 2014 21:50
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His Divine Shadow posted:As a counterpoint I can't say we have any issues with our parents handling our kids. Even if they might spoil them, give them sweets and stuff occasionally, that's what grandparents are for anyway as I see it. Last time my parents came here and watched over the kids they where asleep by 10pm and slept all the night through. That's better than what we manage on our own most of the time. Yeah, it's not all bad. Although my in-laws are a pain, my parents are alright. They just have an obsession with thinking my daughter is too cold all the time. We just turn up the heat a couple degrees when they are around, and call it a day. Although, now that she's walking, they're starting to harp on not putting socks/shoes on her. My parents do the same thing with the observations. Last thing they noticed is that we make our own baby food, rather than buying pre-made stuff. They thought it was interesting, because it didn't really occur to them to make their own. Apogee15 posted:Yeah, no kidding. We're currently a 1 income household with my wife staying home to take care of our daughter, but we were originally planning on her getting getting a job and paying for daycare eventually. At 1400 a month it wouldn't be worth it to do that though, so now we're kind of just scratching that idea. We determined the only reason for both of us to keep our jobs is for long term career prospects at our respective companies. We're both on decent trajectories at the moment, and leaving for a couple years would derail that. Better to tread water with the cost of daycare rather than take the step backwards in our careers.
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Dec 27, 2014 21:51
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hooliganesh posted:That's definitely an open-ended question probably addressed by a medical professional. How was the clavicle broken? Any difficulties breathing or general discomfort? Is the position of best comfort awkward-looking? I'd definitely err on the side of caution and have a pro take a look - the wife would murder me if I didn't. Ah, no, she's been to the hospital and had it xrayed and she's got a follow up appointment in a couple of weeks. Good lord yes. I was just wanting any personal experiences with how long it took to heal and problems you ran into etc.
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Dec 27, 2014 23:33
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Dear thread, should we have a second baby? It's really been on our mind lately, and I'm just looking for some perspectives from people who are further along the kid-having-continuum than we are right now. We've got a 1,5 year old daughter, we're a very happy little family, and I find myself just dreading going back to square one with a new baby. We both sort of took it for granted that we'd be having two kids, but then we started thinking - do we need to? Maybe one is enough? We've been lucky in that we've got a perfectly healthy kid and I got through pregnancy and birth without any lasting damage - what if the next one leaves me with health issues, or has it's own serious issues? It'd be one thing if we desperately wanted that second child, but I don't feel that...craving for a child that I had before we had our daughter. I'm just "meh" about the whole thing. But I don't want to miss out on the potential awesomeness of having two big kids just because I don't like babies. We've concidered adoption, and while that takes care of the whole "not liking babies"-thing, it still doesn't change the fact that our most pressing reason for having another child right now, is: "Our daughter should probably have a sibling." My husband is more keen on a second kid than I am, but not by much. We both feel like we've got a good thing going now, and having another kid just because that's what everyone else does feels like a big gamble. tl:dr: We've got a 1,5 year old daughter, and we're concidering a second child. I find I have a hard time picturing life with bigger kid(s), so I'm sort of looking for your thoughts and experiences of 1 vs 2 kids.
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Dec 28, 2014 12:12
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I spoke about this earlier in the thread, and we're only at six months, but we've found it so hard that we're not having any more. If the one thing stopping you is concern for your current kid, be reassured only children turn out fine.
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Dec 28, 2014 13:16
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CelestialScribe posted:I spoke about this earlier in the thread, and we're only at six months, but we've found it so hard that we're not having any more. Yeah, that's kind of it. I feel like the baby/young toddler-phase is the hardest for me personally (I hope it is, anyway, it would suck if it turns out I just plain don't like having children). And at the same time I don't want to miss out on lots of good stuff just because the first year made me miserable. Edit: Just to sort of clarify - we've had a hard week with Christmas holidays in a noisy house filled with family, making for lovely sleep for our light sleeper, and she's been getting all four of her eye teeth in at once, so we've all been pretty worn out despite the happy holidays with lovely awesome family, so I'm feeling extra "bah, humbug" right now. In addition we just out of the blue got the news that my amazing mother has at best a couple of years left to live thanks to inoperable cancer, so there are just lots of thoughts and feelings swirling around now, and adding another baby to the mix just seems insane, when all I want to do is spend time with my mother while we've got her. So I'm hoping input from people with more experience will make the decision clearer for us, since I'm finding it very hard to picture the future right now. Here is my little Christmas bug, in a rare moment of not screaming "NO!". I'm pretty sure she's the cutest kid on the planet  
Sockmuppet fucked around with this message at 13:42 on Dec 28, 2014 |
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Dec 28, 2014 13:29
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You don't really want another kid? Then don't have one. That's not that hard of a decision from what you wrote.
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Dec 28, 2014 14:18
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We're in the same situation too. Allison is 14 months and I'm starting to think I want another one, but my husband is iffy. She's a lot of work as it is, and I can't imagine trying to throw another baby in there. Plus we're getting a lot of outside pressure. "Well, she's GOTTA have a sibling!" My sister and I are 4 years apart and that seemed to work out well, so we might re-adress this in a year or so to see if we still want another one.
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Dec 28, 2014 14:20
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One kid is plenty. I think people who have more than one are insane. Do you enjoy having money and occasionally free time?
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Dec 28, 2014 14:20
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^^^ Haha, the money thankfully isn't a big issue as long as we're talking just one more kid (we live in glorious family friendly Scandinavia), but the free time/adult time/couple time - holy hell, yes. sheri posted:You don't really want another kid? Then don't have one. I don't want one now. But I know that circumstances will change and kids will grow, and I don't want to regret not having one in the future, if that makes sense. And I don't feel like I have enough of an idea of how life will be like with older kid(s) to make an informed decision without getting some input from outside. Sockmuppet fucked around with this message at 14:33 on Dec 28, 2014 |
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Dec 28, 2014 14:31
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We're sort of in the same boat. I really don't want to be pregnant again or have a newborn, but its been great past those stages. I feel sort of bad not having another kid since he's not going to have any cousins or other relatives his age. When we're gone and his aunts and uncles are gone he won't have any living family.
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Dec 28, 2014 15:11
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Alterian posted:We're sort of in the same boat. I really don't want to be pregnant again or have a newborn, but its been great past those stages. I feel sort of bad not having another kid since he's not going to have any cousins or other relatives his age. When we're gone and his aunts and uncles are gone he won't have any living family. There's a decent chance he'll have his wife or husband and their family members.
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Dec 28, 2014 15:17
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Our #2 was an accident. Our boys are 22 months apart. It is hard no doubt but it is doable. Now that our youngest is 18 months this have eased up a lot and started getting fun.
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Dec 28, 2014 16:35
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I went into having kids knowing I would have more than one. I was an only child with no cousins my age and we moved around a lot so I wasn't able to maintain childhood friendships. It was loving lonely. Throw in a dysfunctional parental relationship and some alcohol and minor drug issues amongst my parents and I would have killed someone for a sibling to help me through it all. So yes, my perspective is a bit skewed, but the core of my childhood loneliness as an only child is a truth I've discovered with lots of other only children. I currently have three kids, the oldest is 4-years old. I am a stay-at-home mom and one of my kids is a foster placement. We are on track to adopt him, fingers crossed, and our initial goal was to foster/adopt kids close in age to my bio kids so they could all grow up together. My hope is that I can get all the baby/toddler stuff done as a group and move on to older kids who can play together and do activities together throughout the rest of their childhood. I don't really want to have to juggle an older and younger kid at the same time, as they have vastly different tolerance and interest levels (Louis CK did a great stand-up bit about his daughters who are 5 years apart and it really stuck with me), and all anecdotal research I did before my second kid was that kids closer in age may be more difficult in the first few years but the potential for closeness during school years and later in life was pretty strong. People who grew up several years apart from their siblings didn't really get to know those siblings until adult life, since so much of their childhood was spent doing different things in different stages. I wanted to avoid that, probably due to my childhood loneliness, so our decision was to have several kids close in age all at the same time. We are currently considering taking in another foster kid, somewhere in age between my 4-year old and my 2-year old, and then we'd be done. It's a lot of work, a lot of personal sacrifice and not a lot of personal time right now, but we have great kids and the house is full of laughter and fun and it's proven a worthwhile experiment so far. Babies can suck, toddlers are trying, and sometimes kids are just terrible. They are lots of work and I consider much of it an investment. We are sacrificing a part of our lives to help make them awesome people, and hopefully in return they will be awesome people we can enjoy for decades and someday they may be there to care for us when we no longer can care for ourselves or each other. If you feel resentment or anger for sacrificing that part of yourself now, that may be something that rubs off on the children in your care and create a toxic environment for everyone. Do what feels best for you and your family. Don't be afraid to explore foster/adoption as a way to grow your family without having to deal with pregnancy or toddlerhood, but those children can come with a whole rash of other issues you need to be prepared to deal with. But there are so many great kids who just need a soft place to land that I encourage you to explore that idea a little more. And above all else, do what is best for you and your family. If one feels right and you have no desire for more beyond fulfilling others' expectations, then go with your gut. If you are scared, remember some of the best things in life are scary and thrilling and unexpected! Good luck! 
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Dec 28, 2014 18:03
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I think its better for kids to have siblings, and preferably close to their ages. I only had an older sister by 7 years so it was like being the only child almost, and I turned out really weird. At least we solved that problem for ourselves by sidestepping the need to think about having a child again just to have two of them. It's so fun to watch them develop enough to start noticing each other, talk, play and fight with each other. Such bliss of twins.
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Dec 28, 2014 18:42
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VorpalBunny posted:lots of great stuff Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that, it was really informative and helpful! I think a big part of the reason why I'm apprehensive about a second child, is that we've got such a good thing going now, we're all happy and healthy, and all the reasons I wanted a child in the first place, are being fulfilled - I'm see her face light up with happiness when she sees us, she's learning to talk more properly now, which is awesome, I'm watching her learn and explore the world, and get to share in her delight. And I've always been a bit scared of change, I tend to only imagine the bad things that can happen, and forget the good things, so my brain is going: "Well, watching them play together might be nice, but what if it's brain-damaged during the birth and I've just condemned my daughter to taking care of her sibling 24/7 for the rest of her life, is that a chance I'm willing to take?" Luckily I'm aware of my ridiculous tendencies, so this is me researching the realities, both positive and negative, of having more children instead of basing our decision on my worry-wart play-it-safe nature 
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Dec 28, 2014 18:42
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Anecdotally: my brothers are 5 and 10 years older than me - and I found I was closest to them during my own childhood when we were more similar and feel far less close to them in adulthood. I think it boils down to more of whether you have a personality that is compatible with your family as to whether you stay close. My family is of the "stay the gently caress away/I have to stand my ground 24/7" kind (not unlike the holiday shenanigans a bunch of people posted above), so I consider them almost entirely  and literally spend as little time as possible with them. I still grew from experiences with them, so it was still a benefit.In exact contrast, my wife's family and I get along extremely well and respect eachother, and I feel closer to her family and her sister than I do to mine, and we have them over whenever we like - no pressure. TLDR: Toss my vote for the "have another baby if you want one"
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Dec 28, 2014 18:44
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My wife and I decided on two, and they are 20 months apart. It is definitely a lot of work. My sister in law has 4, I can imagine how much work it is because we visit and see how much work it is. That said, they are getting to an age where they can entertain each other without too much risk of injury, which is nice.
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Dec 28, 2014 19:03
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Sockmuppet posted:Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that, it was really informative and helpful! It has down sides no doubt. But my 3 year old takes my babies hand when he is crying on a car ride and says "it's ok isaac" it is heart melting.
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Dec 28, 2014 19:03
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So I warned one brother off for having the flu, but then my other brother and his entire family arrive and.................. he has the flu. Can't win.
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Dec 28, 2014 19:57
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sullat posted:My wife and I decided on two, and they are 20 months apart. It is definitely a lot of work. My sister in law has 4, I can imagine how much work it is because we visit and see how much work it is. That said, they are getting to an age where they can entertain each other without too much risk of injury, which is nice. Me too, with the kids 20 months apart. They're now 3 and 1.5 and when they play together it is the cutest loving thing ever. My three year old loves helping her out and sometimes he'll offer her toys or food without any prompting. So I would say it was worth it. On the flip side, starting over was a pain in the butt, it took about 11 months until they really started interacting (a very long 11 months), and while my first child was sleeping through the night in his own bed at 9 months, we're still working on simply night weaning my daughter at 18 months. So there's no guarantee the second one will be easy. If I could have done it again I probably would've gone back to work a while, maybe waited until the first was potty trained and then thought about having a second. It's good they're close in age (for them) but I'm getting a bit nutty having been nothing but a Mom for three years.
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Dec 28, 2014 20:42
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I have two that are 27 months apart. My husband loves having brothers so it was a requirement for him that we have more than one (if possible) and I was a very lonely only child so I was on board with that. My older son is extremely outgoing and I'm slowly finding that having a sibling gives him an outlet that's not me, which is fantastic. He loves playing with his younger brother. Now we're onto debating a #3 (which is the maximum we would have).
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Dec 28, 2014 22:30
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skeetied posted:I'm slowly finding that having a sibling gives him an outlet that's not me, which is fantastic. That is a really good point!
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Dec 28, 2014 23:46
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Sockmuppet posted:
So wait and evaluate how you feel later? I know plenty of people that have close in age siblings that they are close to and close in age siblings they are worlds apart from. Same for people with siblings further apart in age I think it is all dependent on the kids personalities. Having them close in age does not equal close sibling relationship.
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Dec 29, 2014 00:56
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Also there is no guarantee your kids will be close. They could end up hating each other
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Dec 29, 2014 01:17
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Lyz posted:Me too, with the kids 20 months apart. They're now 3 and 1.5 and when they play together it is the cutest loving thing ever. My three year old loves helping her out and sometimes he'll offer her toys or food without any prompting. So I would say it was worth it. We got lucky in that our second kid has been a lot less demanding than the first. He actually sits and plays with his toy, he started sleeping through the night a lot earlier (and is doing so more consistently), and hasn't had quite so many problems with daycare. It would have been a lot harder for us if the second had been a carbon copy of the first. Since we're having so much trouble potty training the oldest, might end up having them both stop using diapers about the same time.
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Dec 29, 2014 03:54
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sheri posted:So wait and evaluate how you feel later? Well, yeah, it's not like it's make a baby this week or not at all Our "deadline" is to make a decision by this summer (both because we don't want to have small children forever, so having them 2,5-3 years apart puts a limit on the toddler period - we don't want an 8 year old and a 2 year old - and because we have to make the kindergarten cut off date of September 1st to be guaranteed a spot). I've just started gathering the data I feel like I'm missing to make a more informed decision. You're right, there are no guarantees for anything, which is why my natural tendency (here, and on every other subject in life) is to think "don't change anything! stop while you're ahead!" But I know myself and I know that I tend to focus way too much on bad stuff that could happen, and forget all the potential good stuff, so I'm trying to make sure I'm taking those things into concideration too, and make sure that I make this decision based on whether I want a second kid or not, not just based on my ever-present fear of change and potential catastrophes.Thank you all for your input and stories and experiences, it's really helpful to read. Sockmuppet fucked around with this message at 10:28 on Dec 29, 2014 |
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Dec 29, 2014 10:26
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I think it is kind of unfair (to your children) in a way to have an only child. I realize plenty of people grow up just fine this way, but having a sibling (or more than one) is kind of an irreplaceable thing. It's a nice feeling to know that my sisters will be there if I truly need them or vice versa. Sure there is no guarantee that you will get along with siblings, but most people that I know who have very bad relationships with their siblings came from a pretty lovely home to begin with (abusive/negligent/deadbeat parents). Sure you might squabble and fight and not really talk to each other for a while, but when the poo poo really hits the fan like with parents dying or having severe illness, etc, then you can set aside minor bullshit and help each other out. I dunno, thats just like... my opinion. I would not want my children to be without a brother/sister, and it's a big reason why I wanted to have 2 kids.
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Dec 29, 2014 23:18
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I suppose logically it is a lot easier to disown a sibling you have than buy one if your folks didn't make you one. I have a sibling that I am not close with, but we like eachother, and our kids get a lot of vitimins out of having cousins to see a week or two a year at various family parties and visits. I was down for a bunch of kids, but after the first two wife's professional situation was such that we had to have summer babies or no babies, and we kept putting it off. We eventually tossed the diaper pail, and decided 2 was plenty. I'm pretty happy with our 3 year spacing. The eldest is definately the boss, but their interests and abilities overlap enough that we don't have to make separate arrangements every time. Both kids can do after school skate, and robots, and a 5 mile desert hike. Am glad I don't have to plan with for both the 7-10 cohort and separately for a 4 year old.
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Dec 29, 2014 23:40
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Some people only have the time, money, energy, or desire for one kid. There's nothing wrong with that and it isn't "unfair" to an only child. Kids are social. They make friends. People shouldn't be guilted into thinking they need to have more than one out of "fairness" to their current child.
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Dec 30, 2014 02:25
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I have two that are almost 3 years apart, and I think it's been pretty awesome that they do things together. I think it's a good spread in that the oldest was old enough to understand when the baby came and help out, but the gap is still small enough that they can do things together. Having said that, when my best friend asked me whether she should have another kid I didn't gush about how awesome it is and how she should do it, because everyone's circumstances are different. My BFF had a hard pregnancy and her daughter is extremely precocious, and the thought of going through challenges like that again called for serious consideration. She was feeling a lot of the guilt about "depriving" her daughter of a sibling and I straight up told her that's a bunch of bullshit. Her daughter is always going to have friends, and my daughters even consider her as a sister (they call her their "god-sister" because I'm her godmother and my best friend is their godmother). She's not going to be deprived of a good childhood based solely on whether she has siblings or not. If she wanted to have another then by all means she should, but I didn't want her to do it out of some misplaced sense of obligation.
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Dec 30, 2014 03:17
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One of my main reasons to want a second child was as a kid, my sister and brother were 10 and 13 years older than me. We never really had anything in common and have always been at such vastly different stages in life. I always wished I had a sibling as a child. My wife had a great relationship with her younger sister, and remembers it fondly. They still have a good relationship, although living 2 hours away you just stop being as close as you were as kids in the same house, but that stuff influenced our decision.
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Dec 30, 2014 04:52
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jassi007 posted:One of my main reasons to want a second child was as a kid, my sister and brother were 10 and 13 years older than me. We never really had anything in common and have always been at such vastly different stages in life. I always wished I had a sibling as a child. My wife had a great relationship with her younger sister, and remembers it fondly. They still have a good relationship, although living 2 hours away you just stop being as close as you were as kids in the same house, but that stuff influenced our decision. That's the reason my wife gave for having a second child. As for me, I paid a stranger handsomely to stab me in the balls and tie them into a bowtie after my second child came, so take that as you may.
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Dec 30, 2014 14:06
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Volmarias posted:That's the reason my wife gave for having a second child. I did that too buddy. Two is plenty, and hey after having a child our deductible was paid for the year. jassi007 fucked around with this message at 14:33 on Dec 30, 2014 |
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Dec 30, 2014 14:20
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jassi007 posted:I did that too buddy. Two is plenty, and hey after having a child our deductible was paid for the year. same! except then i found out voluntary male sterilization was only covered 50% even though the person on the phone said is was 100%.
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Dec 30, 2014 15:38
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Careful Drums posted:same! except then i found out voluntary male sterilization was only covered 50% even though the person on the phone said is was 100%. Bummer. Mine was $60 due to our deductible being 100% for the year.
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Dec 30, 2014 17:00
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My insurance covers it for the cost of an office visit (25 bucks), no idea why I keep putting it off. We have two kids. Youngest just turned 3, oldest is 21 months older than him (almost 5). It's a fun age right now. We thought about a 3rd, but we just finished potty training the youngest and the thought of going back to diapers put a stop to that really quick.
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Dec 30, 2014 17:38
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skipdogg posted:My insurance covers it for the cost of an office visit (25 bucks), no idea why I keep putting it off. We have two kids. Youngest just turned 3, oldest is 21 months older than him (almost 5). It's a fun age right now. We thought about a 3rd, but we just finished potty training the youngest and the thought of going back to diapers put a stop to that really quick. Our second was conceived while my wife was on birth control so we decided right then and there that I'd be getting fixed.
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Dec 30, 2014 17:54
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