shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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bonestructure: Sep 25, 2008; by Ralp

Bobby Digital posted:

It's way better than the quilt I got last year: it was made of panels from other people's old jeans.

e: I got a matching pillow this year.

PYF Gifts You Have Been Given That Are Literally Someone Else's Trash

# ? Dec 26, 2014 19:05

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# ? May 27, 2024 18:21

gwaarrk: Jun 17, 2008

Hey now my mom quilts all the time, and does request for me

I'm thinking of having her make me a Zelda or space invaders quilt next

Forgot one

gwaarrk has a new favorite as of 23:11 on Dec 26, 2014

# ? Dec 26, 2014 23:09

Decrepus: May 21, 2008; In the end, his dominion did not touch a single poster.

WillOfTheGods posted:

Ehh, I'm 25 and I'd count SMB3 as one of my favourite games even if I was only 3 years old when it was released over here. Though I suppose that may have been because of the All-Stars collection on the SNES a few years later.

And how often do you talk about Super Mario with your mom?

# ? Dec 27, 2014 00:17

Araenna: Dec 27, 2012; Lipstick Apathy

Decrepus posted:

And how often do you talk about Super Mario with your mom?

My mom was a gamer before I was born, so I talk about games with her all the time. I think I'ma show her some of these quilts, she'd probably make one for herself..

# ? Dec 27, 2014 01:05

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Decrepus posted:

And how often do you talk about Super Mario with your mom?

Yo maybe he just has a cool mom, or maybe she pays attention to the interests of her offspring she nurtured through to adulthood

# ? Dec 27, 2014 01:06

venus de lmao: Apr 30, 2007; Call me "pixeltits"

gwaarrk posted:

Hey now my mom quilts all the time, and does request for me

I'm thinking of having her make me a Zelda or space invaders quilt next

Forgot one

Your mom is cool that last one owns

# ? Dec 27, 2014 01:37

Noyemi K: Dec 9, 2012; youll always be so sleepy when youre this tiny *plompf*

Greatest note never left is more like it

# ? Dec 27, 2014 11:54

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

I only skimmed the thing but does it actually claim that this happened :confused:

I mean it's cracked, chances are it's just a joke.

# ? Dec 27, 2014 12:34

Noyemi K: Dec 9, 2012; youll always be so sleepy when youre this tiny *plompf*

It reads like a joke but it's not funny and someone posted this on facebook like it actually did happen... I know people that stupid, yes :rolleyes:

# ? Dec 27, 2014 13:05

Bargearse: Nov 27, 2006; 🛑 Don't get your pen🖊️, son, you won't be 👌 needing that 😌. My 🥡 order's 💁 simple😉, a shitload 💩 of dim sims 🌯🀄. And I want a bucket 🪣 of soya sauce☕😋.

Noyemi K posted:

It reads like a joke but it's not funny

Sounds about right for Cracked.

# ? Dec 27, 2014 13:36

Anil Dikshit: Apr 11, 2007

Cracked doesn't count. it's always supposed to be a joke.

# ? Dec 27, 2014 14:54

Kurtofan: Feb 16, 2011; hon hon hon

10 Things That Never Happened But Happened Anyway

# ? Dec 27, 2014 16:58

ToxicSlurpee: Nov 5, 2003; -=SEND HELP=-; Pillbug

Noyemi K posted:

It reads like a joke but it's not funny and someone posted this on facebook like it actually did happen... I know people that stupid, yes

May I remind you that people unironically post Onion articles sometimes as if the Onion was a real newspaper. Cracked at least has enough factual information that anything that seems plausible may well be.

# ? Dec 27, 2014 20:28

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

ToxicSlurpee posted:

May I remind you that people unironically post Onion articles sometimes as if the Onion was a real newspaper. Cracked at least has enough factual information that anything that seems plausible may well be.

Except, of course, this doesn't seem plausible.

We need a seasonal NAR.

quote:

Sadly That�s A Wrap
RETAIL | FL, USA | CRAZY REQUESTS, HOLIDAYS, THEME OF THE MONTH
(While I work at this store normally, I�m in on my day off, and not dressed at all in uniform. I am about as far as you can get from our uniform, which requires a button down, and apron, and pants. I�m wearing a dress. A woman approaches me as I am doing my shopping.)

Woman: �Don�t you work here?�

Me: *thinking she has been in before and recognized me, which isn�t uncommon* �Yes, ma�am. I�m just in today doing some shopping��

Woman: ��wrap these.� *shoves several items to be gift wrapped at me*

Me: �Ma�am, I can�t wrap those for you. I�m a guest today, just like you. I�m not actually working.�

Woman: �Why are you refusing to help me? Just wrap them. I�s not that hard!�

Me: �No, it�s not. It�s also not hard to understand that when I am not clocked in, I am not obligated to do anything for you, or anyone else who walks through that door. And anyway, there is an employee just over there who would be more than happy to wrap your purchases.�

Woman: �No. I asked you, so you are going to do it! You work here and I am the customer!�

(This argument goes around in circles for several more turns, the woman refusing to acknowledge the fact that I am not technically required to help her.)

Me: *giving up* �What color paper would you like, ma�am?�

Woman: �Finally! The Christmas paper. And all of these are to be wrapped separately.�

(I end up spending thirty minutes wrapping this woman�s presents, just to get her to shut up and leave. My coworker, who would of had to deal with her had I not been there, bought me a coffee as thanks for not forcing the woman on her, instead.)

# ? Dec 28, 2014 11:33

Minarchist: Mar 5, 2009; by WE B Bourgeois

Khazar-khum posted:

Except, of course, this doesn't seem plausible.

Why didn't she just say no and walk away? I know it didn't happen but come on!

I guess her mistake was saying that she did work there and the Generic Retard Customer assumed that meant she was On Duty or something

# ? Dec 28, 2014 11:40

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Khazar-khum posted:

wrapping lady

That is definitely a violation of her contract.

# ? Dec 28, 2014 12:33

Stunt_enby: Feb 6, 2010; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Khazar-khum posted:

Except, of course, this doesn't seem plausible.

We need a seasonal NAR.

Christ, even in their loving made-up story they're a complete pushover.

# ? Dec 28, 2014 12:33

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Stuntman posted:

Christ, even in their loving made-up story they're a complete pushover.

Well you wouldn't want to make it too unbelievable.

# ? Dec 28, 2014 14:03

winegums: Dec 21, 2012

quote:

This TIFU is still developing, but requires a little backstory first. I've been working at my company for the past year, it's my first job out of college. Additionally, my office is blessed with a surprisingly high number of attractive women for a tech company (most of them were business majors, but I�ll take it). I've become very close friends with one of them, Angie.
It took me less than a month of working with Angie before I was convinced she was the girl of my dreams. Being the new guy and having to directly work with her daily I never tried to be more than friends in fear of the situation if she said no. She moved to a different team in June so we rarely see each other during work anymore. Angie got engaged in July. When discussing it with her I made a comment to the extent of "I'm happy for you but sad that we never got to try 'us'." I was drunk and knew it was a gently caress up immediately but I was glad to have it off my chest.
We didn't talk for a few days and then I got a text inviting me out for drinks like a normal Friday night and both went on like I never said it. Fast forward to October and she catches her fianc� with an ex. Angie is no longer engaged. She came to me crying and we just sat on my porch drinking for the night. She tells me she is done dating for a while. I recognized then that I loved her as my best friend and just held her for a few hours. We started spending a lot more time together, but it was always just as friends.
So that sets up my relationship with Angie. Other coworkers you need to know: Heather and Lena. They�ve been best friends since college and Angie has kind of joined their little circle. Both of them are attractive but I've spent the past year unable to get Angie out of my mind (I'm forever the romantic, gently caress me). I�m �friends� with them to the extent that they go out drinking with Angie and me regularly, but I don�t really talk to them much during the week.
Now for our company's Holiday party on December 6th.
My company is a work hard, party harder company. The amount of alcohol we drink is insane for the corporate world, with over 2000 drinks served for ~320 people before the after-party. I went alone to the party and so did Angie. We got drinking and midway through the party she gives me a quick kiss in front of Heather and Lena. The kiss throws me completely off as I'm now wrestling with feelings I thought I had tamed while being afraid of taking advantage of her since she was still upset about the breakup. The trio starts giggling and I�m thinking that that kiss might just be something Heather and Lena tease me about on Monday.
The night continues and the four of us share a cab to the after-party. Angie sits on my lap for the cab ride and kisses me again. I was hard under her leg for the rest of the ride and only got a couple winks from her as acknowledgement of it. Getting out of the cab Angie whispers in my ear "neither of us are going home alone tonight, but first we party". My three companions all go towards the restroom and I make a beeline for the open bar and swap over to vodka red bull to drown what�s left of my inhibitions; I'm going home with the girl of my dreams tonight. Oh how I wish we had just dropped off Heather and Lena and gone to my place then.
With a few vodka red bulls and Angie�s comment replaying in my mind, they were able to coax me onto the dance floor. I know I can't dance so I actively avoid the dance floor. Apparently I could dance that night though. Spending the time on the dance floor allowed me to sober up enough to realize Lena is dancing on me almost as much as Angie. I decided to stop drinking then so that a) I could remember everything from this night and b) I wasn't going to underperform for Angie. If only I had kept drinking.
Getting a straight red bull from the bar when I go to grab the girls more, I returned to the dance floor to see them dancing together in a way that I will never be able to want to forget. I step back and watch for a few minutes. Oh how I wish I had rushed back out there with their drinks.
While watching, I see Heather kiss Lena. I knew Heather was bi, but I never thought about Lena. Heather then kisses Angie and I drat near dropped the drinks. I believe I operated with a low blood supply for organs above my belt for the rest of the night. When I get to them with their drinks, Heather downs hers and kisses me. I thought it was going to ruin everything between me and Angie until Angie ran her hand across my arm and I saw she didn't object. I'm now convinced I'll never have a better night than tonight. I pull away and suggest to Angie we say our goodbyes, meet outside, and head back to my place. I knew what I was hoping for but only expected Angie to join me. My life would be so much easier if I did not get what I had been hoping for.
I say goodbye to a few important people and head outside to hail a cab. Angie is standing there with Heather and winks at me again right before Lena grabs my rear end and joins us. I get us a cab and again Angie is in my lap. I get more than a wink this time as she wouldn't sit still and was effectively giving me a lap dance for the short ride home with constant eye contact. I think Heather and Lena were making out but I wasn't paying attention to anyone other than Angie. I don't know how that cab ride could have gone differently, but I wish they would've fallen asleep or something before getting to my place.
We get to my place, Heather and Lena move to my couch as Angie and I are tearing each other's clothes off on the way upstairs to my bed. Why couldn't I have locked my door...
I'm on top of Angie when I feel extra hands touch my back. Raw excitement and realizing that I didn�t misread any of the earlier cues cost me my condom. My last condom. Angie whispers that she's on the pill and it�s game on for a foursome I'll forever cherish and regret.
The next morning, I wake up with 3 beautiful women in my bed and I felt like a Greek god for the first time in my life. After brunch, Heather and Lena both kiss me goodbye and get into a cab. Once they had left, Angie kisses me and returns us to they had so rudely interrupted the night before...
Angie and I have been dating since that night and she is everything I imagined her to be. I've spent most of December thinking I'm the luckiest guy on the planet. I got girl of my dreams and it got serious after a four-way. While most of the office now knows Angie and I are dating, almost no one knows the true events of that night so it hasn't really changed anything at the office. I�ve been talking to Heather and Lena more often though.
Fast forward to Tuesday. Angie and I are driving to my parents for Christmas (we went to hers for Hanukkah) when I get a distressed call from Heather over Bluetooth so Angie is part of the conversation too.
Heather is pregnant. I'm the only man she's been with this year, so she hasn�t been taking the pill. gently caress. Angie is the first to start crying and I pull over before I am tempted to take the car into incoming traffic. We sit there and talk for a half hour before cooler heads prevail and we agree that Angie and I will leave early and be back early Friday. We'd have turned around immediately but keeping my parents oblivious will make it so much easier. Angie and I talk for the remaining hour of the drive and she says she's not mad at me since the four-way was her idea and we'll get through this. My parents pick up that I was stressed, but we manage to pass it off as stress from corporate politics.
Then there's today. Christmas. I get a call from Lena when I'm out alone with the dogs. Lena is pregnant. She doesn't know about Heather or at least doesn't mention it. What she does do is confess that she's in love with me and wants to keep it. She wants me to leave Angie and marry her before the baby starts showing or she's going to claim I forced myself onto her while she was passed out at my place.
I talk to Angie and she's in tears again. She hugs me and keeps saying we�ll get through this. I bring in my uncle (also my lawyer) to address her threat and says so long as Heather tells my side of story I'll be fine but we need to tell HR everything first thing Monday. Angie was holding my arm crying into my shoulder the whole time but she agreed.
The last 48 hours has been an emotional roller coaster and it doesn't look to be ending anytime soon.
P.S. No, I didn't bat 3/3, let's just say I didn't enjoy Hanukkah as much as I wanted to.
TL;DR: Corporate Holiday party. Infatuated with beautiful coworker who has two hot friends who are also coworkers. Lots of alcohol. Four-way. Ran out of condoms. Start dating the girl of my dreams. Find out I impregnated both of her hot friends. One of them is crazy.

Presented without comment via lebbit, http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2qliev/tifupdate_letting_the_corporate_holiday_party/. Link also has some clarification of the seminal gymnastics amongst other things.

# ? Dec 28, 2014 15:53

Sentient Data: Aug 31, 2011; My molecule scrambler ray will disintegrate your armor with one blow!

winegums posted:

TL;DR: Corporate Holiday party. Infatuated with beautiful coworker who has two hot friends who are also coworkers. Lots of alcohol. Four-way. Ran out of condoms. Start dating the girl of my dreams. Find out I impregnated both of her hot friends. One of them is crazy.

Get this, this crazy feminazi bitch spermjacked me and is loving NUTS - I got her pregnant by willfully not using condoms, and she says that she wants me to leave :siren:

my girlfriend :siren:

in order to help take care of my baby!

# ? Dec 28, 2014 16:03

Serperoth: Feb 21, 2013

winegums posted:

Presented without comment via lebbit, http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2qliev/tifupdate_letting_the_corporate_holiday_party/. Link also has some clarification of the seminal gymnastics amongst other things.

Dear Penthouse
I never thought it would happen to me...

# ? Dec 28, 2014 16:15

Tracula: Mar 26, 2010; PLEASE LEAVE

So far five people have thought that story was amazing enough to spend money on him. Christ.

# ? Dec 28, 2014 16:17

a real rude dude: Jan 23, 2005

Tracula posted:

So far five people have thought that story was amazing enough to spend money on him. Christ.

Show these people a porn film, it'll blow their mind...

# ? Dec 28, 2014 16:45

turbomoose: Nov 29, 2008; Playing the banjo can be a relaxing activity and create lifelong friendships!
\

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/12/26/passenger-tossed-after-flipping-out-over-staffs-merry-christmas/

This is the classic story, even down to the applause at the end

# ? Dec 28, 2014 18:54

Stoatbringer: Sep 15, 2004; naw, you love it you little ho-bot

shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: clarification of the seminal gymnastics

# ? Dec 28, 2014 19:00

Araenna: Dec 27, 2012; Lipstick Apathy

Khazar-khum posted:

We need a seasonal NAR.

Yeah, working off the clock is a no no, most places I know of that's a write up or you get fired.

# ? Dec 28, 2014 19:20

Je suis fatigue: May 5, 2009; Amazing! It's a double J.O.!

Khazar-khum posted:

We need a seasonal NAR.

"Don't you work here?"
"Yeah but it's my day off"
The End.

I really hate the way they write everyone as if they were Data from TNG. "Yes ma'am, although today is a day in which I am not currently scheduled to work, or "on the clock". Perhaps one of my fellow employees will be able to assist you with your request?" No wonder everyone interrupts them with random bullshit, who would just stand there and listen to that?

# ? Dec 28, 2014 23:27

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Je suis fatigue posted:

"Don't you work here?"
"Yeah but it's my day off"
The End.

I really hate the way they write everyone as if they were Data from TNG. "Yes ma'am, although today is a day in which I am not currently scheduled to work, or "on the clock". Perhaps one of my fellow employees will be able to assist you with your request?" No wonder everyone interrupts them with random bullshit, who would just stand there and listen to that?

The protagonists are Data, but the antagonists are equally as long-winded, but with deliberately simplified word choice to emphasize how stupid they are and how smart Data is.

Actually, I feel like a lot of the STDHs become more bearable if you literally picture Data in them.

# ? Dec 29, 2014 02:11

cyberia: Jun 24, 2011; Do not call me that!
Snuffles was my slave name.
You shall now call me Snowball; because my fur is pretty and white.

quote:

...over 2000 drinks served for ~320 people...

Oh no, six drinks per person at the office Christmas party. Hold onto your butts, it's gonna get crazy in here.

# ? Dec 29, 2014 04:33

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

sweeperbravo posted:

Actually, I feel like a lot of the STDHs become more bearable if you literally picture Data in them.

You mean as the rear end in a top hat customer, right? Because that *does* make the stories better.

# ? Dec 29, 2014 06:37

Evilreaver: Feb 26, 2007; GEORGE IS GETTIN' AUGMENTED!; Dinosaur Gum

ibntumart posted:

You mean as the rear end in a top hat customer, right? Because that *does* make the stories better.

In every role, really. Datas everywhere.

# ? Dec 29, 2014 09:06

davidspackage: May 16, 2007; Nap Ghost

The wrapping story of course actually went more like:

Customer: *recognizes worker* Hey can you wrap these for me?
Worker: Oh hm *cringe* I huh OKAY
*wraps presents self-loathingly, comforts self with notion of writing STDH story about it*

# ? Dec 29, 2014 09:09

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Tracula posted:

So far five people have thought that story was amazing enough to spend money on him. Christ.

Spend money? I don't know anything about Reddit. Will people just give you money???

# ? Dec 29, 2014 09:11

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Khazar-khum posted:

Spend money? I don't know anything about Reddit. Will people just give you money???

They'll give you a month of reddit premium.

# ? Dec 29, 2014 09:17

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Tunicate posted:

They'll give you a month of reddit premium.

Ah Ok. Thanks.

# ? Dec 29, 2014 09:20

shut up blegum: Dec 17, 2008; --->Plastic Lawn<---

winegums posted:

Presented without comment via lebbit, http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2qliev/tifupdate_letting_the_corporate_holiday_party/. Link also has some clarification of the seminal gymnastics amongst other things.

You just know that 'his last condom' is the one he's been keeping in his wallet for the last 15 years, hoping that one day he could finally use it.

# ? Dec 29, 2014 09:48

ToxicSlurpee: Nov 5, 2003; -=SEND HELP=-; Pillbug

davidspackage posted:

The wrapping story of course actually went more like:

Customer: *recognizes worker* Hey can you wrap these for me?
Worker: Oh hm *cringe* I huh OKAY
*wraps presents self-loathingly, comforts self with notion of writing STDH story about it*

I figured it was more likely

Customer: Hey can you help me wrap this?
Worker: *pretends they didn't hear it, keeps walking, writes STDH story later*

At least when I had jobs and wasn't on the clock I'd just keep walking as if I didn't hear it. Though now that I think about it the weirded thing that I saw in that vein was somebody asking me to do something for them in a store that I not only didn't work at at the time but had never worked at.

# ? Dec 29, 2014 11:46

Drunk Tomato: Apr 23, 2010; If God wanted us sober,
He'd knock the glass over.

Tunicate posted:

They'll give you a month of reddit premium.

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

# ? Dec 29, 2014 20:11

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Drunk Tomato posted:

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Giving to this thread at least.

# ? Dec 29, 2014 22:44

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# ? May 27, 2024 18:21

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Behind Closed Ovens posted:

I worked at a catering outfit in college that did jobs for FBO's (private jets, etc), and this one client kept my boss pissed of all the time. Always complaining about the price, the quality, whatever, the guy had to complain.

So this one time, he calls up with an emergency order, pizzas for a G-5 coming in immediately. The boss tells him it's extra because of the rush, and the guy says fine. We drop everything and jam out the pizzas, but the boss is working on a separate pizza and keeping to himself.

We (me and the boss) race to the airport where the guy is waiting just as the G pulls up. The guy says he's not paying the extra, thinking he's got us over a barrel. What are we going to do, throw out the pizzas, not get paid? My boss glares at him and reaches into the van for the pies and hands them over. We get a check from the clown.

As we're pulling out the boss has a big smile on his face, and I know he did something. I ask, and he tells me he'd had enough of that guy's crap and he had switched one of the pies with his special. He'd made a pie with some five year old white chocolate that he'd shaved like mozzarella. He cashed the check on the way back.

Boy, I bet that guy ate the whole chocolate-covered pizza without even realizing that it was white chocolate and not cheese! Because those things taste SO similar!

# ? Dec 30, 2014 10:39

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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