shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

I do enjoy the MadThad posts, but gimme some more sweet STDH

A poor execution of the "faux regret" gambit, clearly a journeyman poster and not a true master of the STDH craft.

# ? Jan 13, 2015 01:49

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# ? May 23, 2024 20:13

Drunk Tomato: Apr 23, 2010; If God wanted us sober,
He'd knock the glass over.

EmmyOk posted:

I do enjoy the MadThad posts, but gimme some more sweet STDH

A poor execution of the "faux regret" gambit, clearly a journeyman poster and not a true master of the STDH craft.

I can't believe that 16,000 people thought that was believable, or even something worth celebrating. Why does the internet fetishize incest so much???

# ? Jan 13, 2015 01:53

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Drunk Tomato posted:

I can't believe that 16,000 people thought that was believable, or even something worth celebrating. Why does the internet fetishize incest so much???

Simple math, dear tomato! One hot girl plus one hot girl equals TWO hot girls!

Also, like let's assume that twins would be like any other set of well adjusted siblings and would probably not want to see each other naked, let alone in a sexual context. Imagine how much of a stud you would have to be to convince them to let those silly convictions go, so that they could both gently caress you ASAP!

I really don't know. It probably doesn't go beyond my first answer in most cases because people are loving stupid as hell.

# ? Jan 13, 2015 02:47

Lowly: Aug 13, 2009

Drunk Tomato posted:

I can't believe that 16,000 people thought that was believable, or even something worth celebrating. Why does the internet fetishize incest so much???

Not only that, but what is the revenge? I really don't care who has sex with my brother as long as it's consensual, because he is an adult. The only way I could see this being revenge against their brother is if they are underage, but that makes the person who did it total scum, not a badass sexhaver.

# ? Jan 13, 2015 03:20

KiddieGrinder: Nov 15, 2005; HELP ME

Lowly posted:

Not only that, but what is the revenge?

Maybe the stdh meme author is one of those southern "If'n anyones gun' gently caress MAH sisser iss gun' be ME" types? You know, they vet the boyfriends, 'protect' their sister, secretly covet them, etc. etc.

edit: hope any southern goons aren't too offended :911:

# ? Jan 13, 2015 03:46

Double Plus Good: Nov 4, 2009

KiddieGrinder posted:

Maybe the stdh meme author is one of those southern "If'n anyones gun' gently caress MAH sisser iss gun' be ME" types? You know, they vet the boyfriends, 'protect' their sister, secretly covet them, etc. etc.

edit: hope any southern goons aren't too offended

Ugh, southerners.

# ? Jan 13, 2015 05:19

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

okay

# ? Jan 13, 2015 05:32

Minarchist: Mar 5, 2009; by WE B Bourgeois

bringmyfishback posted:

okay

this would have been funny/edgy in the 1950s :saddowns:

# ? Jan 13, 2015 05:49

totally losing my mime: Aug 3, 2012; The quiet can scrape
All the calm from your bones.
But maybe it should.
Maybe we need to be hollowed
To get up and grow,
And stop fucking around,
To kick off our braces and start straightening out; Fun Shoe

bringmyfishback posted:

okay

I remember getting this as a forward to my Lycos email account.

# ? Jan 13, 2015 06:07

Grem: Mar 29, 2004; It's how her species communicates

Wait did none of her friends point out that they weren't invited to this party?

# ? Jan 13, 2015 06:54

Zipperelli.: Apr 3, 2011; Nap Ghost

Lamebook is a treasure trove of STDH. Almost as good as NAR/NAW

# ? Jan 13, 2015 07:03

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Ski piste.

quote:

Trying To Get Through Her Thick Helmet
RETAIL | UK | CRAZY REQUESTS, HEALTH & BODY, TOURISTS/TRAVEL
(I worked in a chain of high-end ski and mountain sports stores. On this occasion, I was standing at the till whilst my assistant manager was moving some items nearby. A lady in her mid-60s comes storming into the store with a ski helmet in her hand; it�s obvious it�s taken a heavy hit on the back and there�s a big dent in it.)

Me: �Hi there, madam. How can I help?�

Customer: �You sold me a faulty product. I demand to see the manager.�

Me: �Sorry to hear that, madam. Our manager�s just on a conference call with our head office at the moment, but our assistant manager�s over the��

(She stormed over to my assistant manager before I could finish, and I listened to the rest of the conversation whilst I carried on with my work.)

Customer: �You sold me a faulty product. I bought this [ski helmet] for my grandson last month, and it broke on his first trip. I want a refund and compensation.�

Assistant Manager: �Okay, madam, may I take a look at the helmet and see what�s wrong with it?� *the lady hands over the helmet*

Assistant Manager: �Madam, could I ask if your grandson took a fall at any point during his trip?�

Customer: �What? Yes, of course he did. He was on a school trip and they were learning. He told me they did some off-piste skiing on their last day and he fell and hit his head on one of the chair lift pylons. What�s this got to do with anything, though? The helmet�s clearly failed and is faulty, I want a refund!�

Assistant Manager: �Madam, I understand your frustration considering you only just bought this, but company policy is that we don�t refund damaged helmets in any way. Essentially, the helmet�s done its job by protecting your grandson�s head.�

Customer: �HOW DARE YOU TRY AND BRUSH THIS OFF! YOU WON�T GET AWAY WITH THIS! I DON�T CARE IF YOUR MANAGER�S ON THE PHONE TO THE SULTAN OF BRUNEI, I WANT HIM OUT HERE, WITH MY MONEY, NOW!!!�

(My assistant manager goes to the office where my manager�s just finished the call. She�s a rather petite woman, but has a very strong personality and is not known for backing down easily.)

Manager: �Hello, Madam. My name is [Manager] and I�m the store manager here. What seems to be the issue?

(The customer re-rants her story and the manager stands there looking at the helmet briefly.)

Manager: �So, what you�re saying is, your grandson took a tumble, hit his head on a ski lift pylon, and the helmet suffered damage as a result of this?�

Customer: �Yes!�

Manager: �So your grandson�s still alive then?�

Customer: �I� What?�

Manager: �Madam, if your grandson had gone off piste without the helmet on and hit the pylon, he wouldn�t have come back at all. The helmet did its job in protecting his head from the impact. I appreciate the fact you�ve spent money on a protective device and it has become damaged so quickly, but that�s what it�s for: protection. I�m afraid there�s nothing I can do.�

Customer: *practically bellowing* �THIS IS DISGUSTING! I�VE SPENT THOUSANDS IN YOUR STORE SINCE IT WAS OPENED AND I�VE NEVER BEEN TREATED LIKE THIS BEFORE! THIS PIECE OF C*** IS BROKEN, AND YOU�RE TELLING ME YOU WON�T REFUND IT?! WHAT THE H** CAN I DO WITH IT NOW, USE IT AS A PAPERWEIGHT?! I�LL TAKE THIS TO HEAD OFFICE AND GET TREATED CORRECTLY AND HAVE YOU FIRED FOR YOUR IDIOCY!�

(My manager doesn�t like being shouted at by anyone, and looks directly at the customer.)

Manager: �Madam, I�m sorry, but your outburst has just cost you a store credit I was considering offering by way of a goodwill gesture. I�ve been manager since this store has been open and I have never seen you here before, let alone on regular occurrences. Please feel free to contact our head office to discuss this further; their details are on our website. But for now I would like you to leave, please.�

(The customer stormed out without another word. Later that week, we heard from head office that she�d managed to get the contact details for the CEO who then proceeded to provide a replacement helmet, free of charge, plus about �100 worth of vouchers to use at any store as compensation �for the utter humiliation� she suffered in our store. Nice to know that despite standing by what you believe is right, the customer can still get what they want if they go high up and moan loudly enough.)

# ? Jan 13, 2015 08:49

Testekill: Nov 1, 2012; I demand to be taken seriously

As per usual, the censoring of words like crap and hell really takes me out of it. Like, if she was calling someone a loving oval office or something like that then feel free to censor it but stuff like crap and hell aren't swearing.

# ? Jan 13, 2015 08:52

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Khazar-khum posted:

Ski piste.

Even in his stdh this person loses in the end :smith:

Also I noticed in stdh land all men are always "big" guys and all women petite.

# ? Jan 13, 2015 08:54

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Testekill posted:

As per usual, the censoring of words like crap and hell really takes me out of it. Like, if she was calling someone a loving oval office or something like that then feel free to censor it but stuff like crap and hell aren't swearing.

Maybe she said" this piece of oval office is broken" :v:

# ? Jan 13, 2015 08:55

fish and chips and dip: Feb 17, 2010

So they were learning to ski by going off-piste? :confused:

# ? Jan 13, 2015 09:11

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

Some oval office posted posted:

I hardly talk about this at all to anyone, and I've never ever told or plan to tell my family, but when I saw the few other posts talking about their PTSD, I felt maybe it might help if I got some of it off my chest. This will be the last and only time I ever go into this much detail about why I have PTSD. Pardon if I ramble a bit.

Long version: As we were driving through a normally peaceful route that we'd driven dozens of times and are usually greeted by lots of kids that find the big trucks very cool, I see a man standing somewhat close to the road but nothing really out of the ordinary. Many times the adults will stand out by the road alongside the kids, sometimes sneering at the foreigners, but mostly just as happy and cheerful as the kids. The nearby outpost helps with protection and gives medical aid, and many of the Marines there know some of the locals by name. I personally don't live at that outpost, only driving through once or twice a week on that route, so remembering faces there is not something I try to do. The Marines there keep the area safe and insurgent free, so as long as we drive slow and avoid the kids running around, we usually have no reason for concern from the locals.

This changed that day. That man stayed by the side of the road, waiting for something. As I drove closer, he grabbed the nearest kid and threw her in front of my truck, and disappeared. The little girl wasn't killed, but was seriously injured by my truck, weighing easily over 40 tons loaded with gear and food. From the look of her, she would never walk again. My co driver and I gave the best description of the man that we could possibly give to the Marines living there, and even asked the locals, but they had never seen or heard of him. This is rather common, insurgents blend into the locals, do their business, and usually disappear. At the time, the locals weren't upset, but weren't overly happy with the ordeal. During debrief, I was told not to over think it, the girl lived, poo poo happens, there's nothing you could've done. etc etc

The local media got hold of the incident, and it turned into a poo poo storm. I'm not sure exactly what happened directly after that, as my company was constantly on the road and usually only had a day or two back at base per week. I only heard about the attack on the outpost a week after it happened, and learned about the three Marines who would never come home again. I'm always told that it wasn't my fault, but it was my truck that hit her, it was her injury that sparked local dispute, killing three Marines. I am directly responsible for three men never coming home to their families.

Most of the time I'm not taken seriously because 'I've never killed anyone' or 'I never received a CAR'. Sometimes it doesn't take firing a gun to see the bad parts of war.

Edit: I'm just going to delete this post soon. Apparently I'm a poser and I'm making up stories for front page I guess. All because I sound too much like I'm telling a story and not rambling like some crazed man. Don't know why I would waste a year posting about my ptsd on Imgur, but that'd make for one hell of a commitment to some fake internet points...

Bolding mine

# ? Jan 13, 2015 14:35

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Yes, why would you post about your PTSD using maymays on a site with funny pictures?

# ? Jan 13, 2015 14:50

corn in the bible: Jun 5, 2004; Oh no oh god it's all true!

New army psych procedures prescribe the use of wacky bear macros as an effective treatment for ptsd

# ? Jan 13, 2015 17:00

Araenna: Dec 27, 2012; Lipstick Apathy

quote:

(My manager doesn�t like being shouted at by anyone, and looks directly at the customer.)

What the gently caress is so special about looking at the person you're talking to?

# ? Jan 13, 2015 19:57

Max: Nov 30, 2002

Araenna posted:

What the gently caress is so special about looking at the person you're talking to?

Think about who probably wrote that.

# ? Jan 13, 2015 20:02

davidspackage: May 16, 2007; Nap Ghost

My manager, who showers daily and does not have the orange glow of cheeto dust creeping out of the crags of his face,

# ? Jan 13, 2015 20:09

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

bringmyfishback posted:

okay

My mom has a bunch of these types of jokes from where she used to work. She and her coworkers would print them out and pass them around (pre-email days) to give everyone a good, if occasionally off-color, chuckle during the day. She has this actual one except it's not told from the p.o.v of the farter, just in third person, and the farter is actually the husband.

This would have been in the early 80's, maybe late 70's. Joke's older than most people posting in this thread, I imagine.

also: In the version my mom had, the farting husband is like the boss or some other high authority figure in the company, and is constantly ripping these hellfire farts at home to the chagrin of his wife. His employees are the ones invited to the dinner party.

sweeperbravo has a new favorite as of 20:13 on Jan 13, 2015

# ? Jan 13, 2015 20:10

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

"Being a single mom, doing it all alone, this means A LOT"

# ? Jan 13, 2015 22:06

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

How petty can you go with those? Today I did well at work and my boss promised me a new headset for my workstation? I squatted to poo poo in a bush and found a penny? I survived a whole day on food that I made for myself?

By the way, I'm a blind mentally ill veteran of thirteen wars and my grandmother is dying from ebola. Thanks for your support.

# ? Jan 13, 2015 22:37

kazil: Jul 24, 2005; Derpmph trial star reporter!

Imgur is full of "I'm one of those people you hate but I do things the way you like so you don't hate me" memes.

"I'm black and I sure hate when black people talk during movies!"
"I'm a woman and I love giving blowjobs to my boyfriend all day long!"
"I'm a single mom and I make sure my kids don't bother anyone at a super market!"

# ? Jan 13, 2015 22:46

a real rude dude: Jan 23, 2005

I'm a black single mother and I love giving blowjobs to my kids!

# ? Jan 13, 2015 23:02

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

I do it during movies so I couldn't talk if I wanted to!

# ? Jan 13, 2015 23:09

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

kazil posted:

"I'm a woman and I love giving blowjobs to my boyfriend all day long!"

STDH

david... posted:

I'm a black single mother and I love giving blowjobs to my kids!

Dude, I actually did a spittake when I read this. :lol:

# ? Jan 13, 2015 23:11

Your Computer: Oct 3, 2008; Grimey Drawer

I swear, there are several stdh.txt on imgur every day now.

stdh.txt posted:

My roommate my freshman year seven years ago was a hard partier who had game to spare. Every night, for the first few weeks, he would bring a girl back to the dorm. Though I enjoyed my fair share of parties and late night trysts, I was considerate and would only engage in genital darts and orgasmic exchange when he was not in the dorm. One morning, I was sick of it. I ordered an electronic fart machine online. Upon its arrival a couple days later, I wrapped it in a shirt and shoved it under his bed along with his collection of garbage (you can guess this guy's living habits). The trap was set. That Friday night, he brought back a girl he'd seduced a couple times already. I rolled over, remote in hand, and waited. Foreplay begins, so much licking and lip smacking. The clothes come off. I continue to wait. Insertion, low cooing. I activate the fart machine. Perfection. Though I cannot recall the precise dialogue to this day, I'm sure it went something like this... Girl: "...wtf was that?" Collin: "...was that you?" Girl: "...whatever" *intercourse resumes* I press it again. More magic. Girl: "ok now wtf Collin" Collin: "stop farting (name)" Girl: "that definitely ain't me... omg it stinks!" (she actually makes up the fact the she smells it. #sobasic) Collin: "omg, what the hell" Girl: "ugh, let's just go to sleep" The pressure in me from holding back the laughter each night was like gravity collapsing dying stars. This same situation repeated every night for the next week. He suspected nothing. He never brought another girl back to the dorm, and his reputation was... soiled. (He was fine; probably got his sex on going to the girls' dorms after this)

# ? Jan 14, 2015 00:10

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

The way the text is placed on the bear makes it look like the roommate started having sex as revenge for the fart machine. Sounds like it is the stdh writer who is, in fact, #sobasic

I kinda like that interpretation better though. Like there's just all these kinky fart-fetish girls that are all up in this guys room now that he's become some kind of legendary gaseous Blarney Stone that everyone wants to go see.

# ? Jan 14, 2015 00:32

Your Computer: Oct 3, 2008; Grimey Drawer

sweeperbravo posted:

The way the text is placed on the bear makes it look like the roommate started having sex as revenge for the fart machine. Sounds like it is the stdh writer who is, in fact, #sobasic

I kinda like that interpretation better though. Like there's just all these kinky fart-fetish girls that are all up in this guys room now that he's become some kind of legendary gaseous Blarney Stone that everyone wants to go see.

Would you say, in this interpretation, that it back-fired? :downsrim:

# ? Jan 14, 2015 00:47

watho: Aug 2, 2013; The real world will, again tomorrow, function and run without me.

That really is the only way to interpret it.

# ? Jan 14, 2015 00:54

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Ray banned.

quote:

Sunglass And Hit Station
GROCERY STORE | USA | AT THE CHECKOUT, CRAZY REQUESTS, CRIMINAL/ILLEGAL
Me: �Hey there, what can I get you?�

Woman: �Oh, I�ll have [Lottery Game] and two packs of [Cigarettes].�

(As I get her items and ring them in, I notice her staring intently at some sunglasses that a regular had left behind.)

Woman: �Those sunglasses are so cute. What�s the deal with them?�

Me: �Oh, another customer left them behind. We�re keeping them up front in case she comes back today.�

Woman: �What if she doesn�t come back?�

Me: �Then it gets moved to the lost and found.�

Woman: �What if she never comes back for them?�

Me: �Uh, well, I think [Store Owner] either throws lost items away after a period of time or donates them.�

Woman: �So they�re just gonna get thrown away?�

Me: �Not necessarily. Most people who leave stuff behind come back for them, and this woman is in here all the time, so I�m sure��

Woman: �I want them.�

Me: �Excuse me?�

Woman: �I want those sunglasses.�

Me: �Well, I�m sorry, but I can�t give them to you. However, we have many styles of sunglasses on display just around the corner from the desk, so if you�d like��

Woman: �No. I want those ones.�

Me: �Ma�am, they belong to someone else.�

Woman: �Well, what if I said that they�re my sunglasses and I forgot them?�

Me: �Okay, except we just had a conversation about how they�re NOT yours and how the person who DOES own them left them behind. So, no, you can�t have them.�

Woman: �But I don�t understand why I can�t have them.�

(This circular argument goes on for a while. Eventually my manager comes over because he�s noticed a three-item transaction has gone on for almost five minutes.)

Manager: �Is there something wrong, ma�am?�

Woman: �Yes, this little girl won�t give me my sunglasses.�

Manager: *looks at me* �[My Name]?�

Me: �Well, they�re not her sunglasses. [Regular] was here earlier and left them at register one.�

Woman: �No, she wasn�t. She didn�t! They�re mine!�

Me: �Ma�am, you just all but told me these aren�t your sunglasses and I saw

[Regular] set them down on register one when she was here earlier.�

Woman: *shrilly* �No! They�re mine!�

(She suddenly lunges forward and throws herself across the counter, trying to reach the sunglasses. My manager pushes me behind him and snatches the woman�s arm.)

Manager: �Ma�am, I�m sorry, but you have to leave! You can�t assault the employees or steal from other customers.�

Woman: �I�m not stealing! They�re mine! THEY�RE MINE!�

(My manager had to forcibly remove her from the store. The true owner of the sunglasses came in the next morning and my manager regaled the story to her. She just laughed and told him to tell me she was sorry I had to go through that. All that fuss over a pair of $5 sunglasses!)

# ? Jan 14, 2015 10:35

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Your Computer posted:

I swear, there are several stdh.txt on imgur every day now.

Are fart machines really a thing you can buy?

# ? Jan 14, 2015 10:35

OptimusShr: Mar 1, 2008

Khazar-khum posted:

Are fart machines really a thing you can buy?

Yes. You can get them with remote controls so you can activate it from a distance.

# ? Jan 14, 2015 10:42

Snowglobe of Doom: Mar 30, 2012; sucks to be right

http://www.amazon.com/T-J-Wiseman-Remote-Controlled-Machine/dp/B0006L1ILI

quote:

As seen on Howard Stern. You can now FART wherever and whenever you'd like. This is your chance to impress or gross out your friends and family. This is the new and improved fart machine! The fart machine makes 15 new different fart sounds (SOUNDS SO REAL!). Fart Machine has boom box technology. what is this?? Well let's just say these fart noises can't sound any more real! It has 2 pieces - the remote transmitter (battery included) and the speaker which requires one 9 volt battery (not included) Remote works through walls and can range up to 100 feet! Use it anywhere - at parties, school, movies, office, in a baby's diaper or in the Thanksgiving Turkey! Hide the sound box, then press the remote control at the appropriate time to "let it rip"! This unit even comes with stick pads to hide the speaker under chairs or tables!

I'd recommend washing it between placing it in the baby's diaper and the Thanksgiving turkey.

# ? Jan 14, 2015 11:47

venus de lmao: Apr 30, 2007; Call me "pixeltits"

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

http://www.amazon.com/T-J-Wiseman-Remote-Controlled-Machine/dp/B0006L1ILI

I'd recommend washing it between placing it in the baby's diaper and the Thanksgiving turkey.

"Impress or gross out your friends!" If your friends are impressed by a recording of a fart sound, maybe you should stop hanging out with toddlers.

# ? Jan 14, 2015 11:53

Broken Things: Mar 4, 2011

Pretty telling that they all feel the need to edit in order to tell internet strangers that it definitely happened.

# ? Jan 14, 2015 13:19

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# ? May 23, 2024 20:13

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Khazar-khum posted:

Ray banned.

"Forcibly removed" wow I'm almost at full BINGO with that one.

# ? Jan 14, 2015 13:27

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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