Your Computer posted:

I swear, there are several stdh.txt on imgur every day now.

jodai posted:

shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: Manager:*looks at me*"[my name]?"

quote:

Testifying about a request for a protective order against him, race car driver Kurt Busch told a Dover, Del., court this week that his former girlfriend is an assassin. Patricia Driscoll, who dated Busch for four years, requested the order last November, shortly after their relationship ended.

Driscoll has also filed a criminal complaint against Busch, alleging that he grabbed her and slammed her head into the wall of his motor coach at Dover International Speedway last fall. Busch denies those claims, which the authorities have been considering separately.

Those circumstances brought about four days of testimony from Busch and Driscoll that almost certainly stands unique among anything ever heard in a family court.

The former NASCAR Sprint Cup champion, 36, said that Driscoll "is a trained assassin dispatched on covert missions around the world," The Associated Press reports. The news agency adds: "Busch said Driscoll repeatedly asserted her assassin status and claimed the work took her on missions across Central and South America and Africa."

"Everybody on the outside can tell me I'm crazy, but I lived on the inside and saw it firsthand," Busch said.

"Busch offered up specific examples of her returning from missions, sometimes with bruises.
"Once, he said, they were in El Paso, Texas, where Driscoll had left that night in camouflage and boots. She returned later to the hotel at which he was staying wearing a trench coat. Under it she was wearing an evening gown splattered with blood and other matter, Busch testified."

Those details add to a picture that was painted earlier, when Busch and others testified "that Driscoll claimed she was a trained assassin who had killed people, including drug lords," the AP reported Monday.

Busch and his attorney, Rusty Hardin, are holding up Driscoll's status as a mercenary to refute her claims that she was abused.

"I know that she could take me down at any moment," Busch told his attorney Monday, "because she's a bad-rear end."

Broken Things posted:

Pretty telling that they all feel the need to edit in order to tell internet strangers that it definitely happened.

Alabaster White posted:

[girl]friend sounds like some sort of programming function.

Tunicate posted:

Leninboarrir posted:

"large amounts of money" okay, sure dude.

ibntumart posted:

The one who claimed her jewelry business made her rich while still a teenager?

ibntumart posted:

I could swear someone linked that thread in the previous STDH thread. I might try to dig it up after work and repost the story if no one beats me to it.

Clickhole posted:

A college professor was addressing his history class. He began his lecture by saying, “Let’s get one thing straight: God is not real; the only God is Obama and the powerful female clitoris.” One student raised his hand and stood up and said, “Sir, I’m sorry to interrupt, but where I come from we don’t talk bad about God, because he’s our best friend.” The professor then said, “What are you, an idiot? Shut up, idiot. This is college and we hate Christ. Who do you think you are, Christian?” The student responded by picking up his bag, putting on his cowboy hat and punching the teacher in the face. “My name is Sgt. Johnathan Gunderson. And your plan won’t work, Goltar.” Because when the sergeant punched the professor, he punched the mask off of his face, revealing the praying mantis head underneath. “You’ve figured out my evil plan this time, Sgt. Gunderson. But as long as there are aborted fetuses for me to feast upon, I will always be stronger than America!” He then flew away to his lair. Share this status if you want to save America and end abortion.

ibntumart posted:

I could swear someone linked that thread in the previous STDH thread. I might try to dig it up after work and repost the story if no one beats me to it.

bringmyfishback posted:

EDIT: cranberry sauce tastes funny now

Marley Wants More posted:

I think she also claimed to have been involved with a drug cartel, or some kind of gang. Something like that. I might have an exaggerated memory of it because everything she said was such horseshit, but I think her whole spiel started out talking about some kind of bad rear end gang she was a part of.

Astro Panda posted:

Wasn't her main gripe in the E/N thread she posted about her relationship was that her lovely boyfriend wouldn't buy her a stand mixer or something? I know a stand mixer was involved, and it was very important.

Marley Wants More posted:

I think she also claimed to have been involved with a drug cartel, or some kind of gang. Something like that. I might have an exaggerated memory of it because everything she said was such horseshit, but I think her whole spiel started out talking about some kind of bad rear end gang she was a part of.

Mr. Belpit posted:

I'd love to find that thread again. Went from interesting (the OPs experiences) to bullshit (badass gang leader physicist fantasy) very suddenly in the last few pages.

Dr. Kyle Farnsworth posted:

So I went to pick up one of my friends today. I've hung out with her a lot but hadn't met her husband before. He opened the door and asked who I was, then grunted and shut it and apparently made her come back and open it for me. Then when she introduced me, he tried to do the "Squeeze until the other guy backs down" handshake. I don't usually go for alpha male bullshit, but hey, if he started it...anyway, I backed him down and made him whimper before I let go. He got all alpha male telling me how to get where we were going, while I was puzzled at the tone and the implication that we didn't both have smartphones and an in-car GPS to get us where we were going. And it was a mile away so even if we drove around aimlessly we'd probably find it.

Anyway we had a nice time, just had coffee and chatted.

It was only when she texted me this evening that he went on a rant that I was taller than he was, more fit than he was, dressed better than he was, driving a nicer car than he has (well he doesn't have any since he totaled it), better groomed than he was, that the penny dropped. Like "Oh, he was jealous, I thought he was just an rear end in a top hat!"

My first reaction was "Wow, and I haven't worked out in a few months. He's going to be super jealous once I get my workout routine back on track."

Guess it's time to check out the weightlifting thread.

Mr. Belpit posted:

another user jumped in talking about how she and her brother, both orphans on their own, rose to the top of an East Coast Asian gang

Your Computer posted:

I swear, there are several stdh.txt on imgur every day now.

Medieval Medic posted:

From our very own YLLS.

beedeebee posted:

"engage in genital darts"

times a million. Who the gently caress calls sex "genital darts".

beedeebee posted:

"engage in genital darts"

times a million. Who the gently caress calls sex "genital darts".

Probably the same person fantasazing about having a popular roommate and play "hilarious pranks" on him.

beedeebee posted:

"engage in genital darts"

times a million. Who the gently caress calls sex "genital darts".

Fathis Munk posted:

Someone who is an oh so clever and funny writer.

Whiskey A Go Go! posted:

Also someone who is isn't getting sex.

Bloodnose posted:

That was a good one. She brushed off all the really ridiculous poo poo with "well this is just the kind of hardcore stuff that goes down in Hong Kong gangs." None of the HK goons have ever heard of any such things happening and she ignored requests for sources in English or Chinese.

One thing that stands out in my memory was her suggestion that forcing a person to stay in a dog cage for weeks at a time was a common practice. I searched for that in Chinese and got back regular old stories about elderly poor people paying to live in cage homes because they can't afford ridiculous HK housing prices and then I made myself sad.

If only those gangs would let poor old people live in their punishment cages for free