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Wizard of Smart posted:He usually goes "oh I know that site"
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Jan 28, 2015 04:25
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oldpainless posted:He usually goes "oh I run that site"
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Jan 28, 2015 04:29
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My friend and I, two naive Angelenos, are staying in Puerto Rico for a week. We're in downtown San Juan on a Tuesday night. As it's a Tuesday, we walk for quite a while without seeing anyone, all the clubs and cafes are closed, we're about to go home, and deus ex machina-style this seedy looking guy comes up to us. Urgent monotone: "You want to see some womans?" Yes, yes we do. "Get in this taxi, I will take you to the womans." We're both 17, high, and my friend is 6'4 and ripped so we figure why not? We don't know what the gently caress he's talking about, but "womans" sounds good. We get in his car. He drives down the main road for a while, then turns into this dark alley. poo poo. We see several guys standing there with mirror shades and gun holsters on their hips. poo poo. Get out here, the guy says. Terrified, we get out of the taxi. We see that the gun holster guys are wearing... cop uniforms? "20 dollars each," says one of them, arms folded. It is then that we look up, and notice the flashing sign for *******'s Womans. What are we going to do? We give the cops their money. They let us in. It was truly a bizarre place. The girls on stage stripping were a motley crew, many over 40, many missing teeth. There are a number (eight?) of identical short, chunky, Asian bouncer types, octuplets or clones, wearing suits and getting groped by the girls when they were off dancing duty. Between my addled state and the disorienting classical music they were blasting for the strippers to dance to (WTF? I recognized a Beethoven piece from my piano days), I was feeling incredibly disoriented. Not in my right frame of mind. Which is all by way of explaining why it seemed like a good idea to take out my camera and start snapping pictures. ...oops. Immediately I am gripped from behind by several thick hands, which turn out to belong to one of the octuplets. "Why don't you step into this room." My friend's eyes are as big as plates. He drags me into one of the customer rooms. It's occupied. I catch a glimpse of a late-60's Rican guy getting a blow job. "Lo siento", says the octuplet, dragging me into a different room, which fortunately is unoccupied. "Give me the camera." "Sorry, sorry! Sorry?" I really don't want to give him the camera. It's a really nice electronic piece, and has all my pictures from the vacation, and I don't quite appreciate the gravity of the situation. He pulls out a pistol, and taps it against my chest. "Give me the camera." "m-m-m-memory card?" "Memory card is fine. Do it now." I fumble with the lock, manage to extract it, tremblingly place it in the guy's hand. He nods, puts one hand on the back of my sweat-drenched New York Jets jacket, drags me back out into the main room, puts the other hand on the back of my friend's jacket, and shoves us both outside with the cops. "Tell these gringos to get their asses home." The cops call a taxi, not looking at us or acknowledging us once. We are more than happy to get in. When we tell the taxi driver our story on the way back, he just laughs. "This is 'Rico."
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Jan 28, 2015 04:38
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No-one but absolute loving assholes call themselves Angelenos. No-one. That is like popped collar, backward hat, pink shirt levels of douchebag.
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Jan 28, 2015 04:45
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corn in the bible posted:"Lo siento", says the octuplet, This is what happens when you misread the thesaurus
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Jan 28, 2015 04:53
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CrotchDropJeans posted:Someone also asked about fanfiction last week in the workshop, which is kind of a gray area in terms of copyright, but it wasn't funny so much as just a little weird. I run into a lot of fanfictiony types at my job (library), and ugh. I used to have all kinds of warm, fuzzy, populist ideas about reading and writing ("Both are good! It doesn't matter what you read/write as long as you do it!") but those guys have singlehandedly changed my mind on that. I have yet to meet a serious fanfiction writer who had any real interest in expanding their intellectual horizons or growing as a writer or even as a reader. This isn't "you can only read literary fiction or you are beneath my notice" snobbery; I genuinely think that getting too hung up on that whole world is bad for your intellect and creativity. I've watched a handful of acquaintances from high school/college fall down that rabbit hole and they all got appreciably dumber. I knew a girl once that used to be really into fanfic, and quit for that exact reason. She said it's just too easy to be lazy: you got all the characters and setting and dynamics already written. Someone has already done all the heavy lifting, so all you have to do its just put forth the barest minimum effort. The community has already invested emotion into the characters so you don't even need to write well, that inertia will carry them straight over all your terrible writing. EDIT: Goddammit the conversation moved on. Content: I don't remember but I don't think I posted this story before. I work with this girl who, it turns out, lived in a whole twisted world of STDH. She didn't come off like that right away, just little things. For instance, she was constantly asking for help with her computer, and afterwards she would be quick to reassure everyone "Oh, that's right. I was confused. I'm actually extremely good with computers, I'm just not used to..." and then wave her hand vaguely and trail off. I figured she just didn't know anything about Macs or something. Then one day, I'm stuck with the woman alone because everyone else went on lunch, and I just got done helping her learn how to sort things on a spreadsheet because I guess the Sort command is hard to find? "Oh, thanks, I must be out of practice." I just nod and agree and try to go back to my work. "You know, I haven't actually been around computers for a while, but I'm actually very highly trained." "Uh-huh, yeah." "Yeah, I couldn't work on one for five years. See, the government put a chip in my arm that would give me an electric shock whenever I got near a computer." So apparently, this person that had been working in a bullshit warehouse clerk job for ten years used to be a master hacker. She ran with a group of friends online that used to do minor stuff, but then 9/11 happened! (That's how it was said, actually. "Then 9/11 happened!") "So we wrote a virus and sent it to the bad guys." "The...the bad guys?" I asked, because it was something a freaking three year old says. And what bad guys? Al-Qaeda? The Taliban? The...maybe, like, one of the dead highjackers which would've been a lot easier? "Yeah. The BAD GUYS." Oh. So she sent a virus to Dr. Claw's organization, but then the government caught most of her friends along with her and while they wanted to give her a medal, they ended up putting a chip in her arm for five years that wouldn't let her get near a computer without a near-lethal shock. Apparently it was very hard. But it was worth it. I know it was because she wouldn't stop asking "Don't you think it was worth it?" until I agreed with her. I'm still thinking of this dumb loving story even like a year later. In what world is that believable? Pit of Despair has a new favorite as of 05:44 on Jan 28, 2015 |
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Jan 28, 2015 05:15
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corn in the bible posted:I fumble with the lock, manage to extract it, tremblingly place it in the guy's hand. He nods, puts one hand on the back of my sweat-drenched New York Jets jacket, drags me back out into the main room, puts the other hand on the back of my friend's jacket, and shoves us both outside with the cops. "Tell these gringos to get their asses home."
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Jan 28, 2015 06:19
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hyperhazard posted:Has any Spanish speaking person ever used the word gringo outside of pulp magazines and bad movies? Eh', possibly. I have a couple friends who speak only the smallest bit of English (one Guatemalan and one Columbian) and it's funny to hear them talk about my other friends (caucasian) who don't speak Spanish. Sometimes they forget, or can't remember, someone's name, so they'll frequently use the term gringo, but its never derogatory. I hear it mainly used like we would use the term "bro" or "bud" or whathaveyou.
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Jan 28, 2015 06:45
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suave Mexican dude at my old work (I live in new zealand, we don't get a lot of mexicans here) who I didn't really know used to call me gringo, but it's hard to tell if he was just being endearing 'Eeeeeee greeengo, eesss fraydayyy, you goooo-ing for some cerrveeessaaas tonniight eh?' was funny hearing it from an immaculately groomed and dressed, super successful dude.
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Jan 28, 2015 07:33
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Davfff posted:suave Mexican dude at my old work (I live in new zealand, we don't get a lot of mexicans here) who I didn't really know used to call me gringo, but it's hard to tell if he was just being endearing You worked with Cheech?
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Jan 28, 2015 08:22
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Turtlicious posted:No-one but absolute loving assholes call themselves Angelenos. No-one. That is like popped collar, backward hat, pink shirt levels of douchebag. You'll occasionally hear the local newscasters refer to themselves/their audience as Angelenos. I was born there, but I refuse to call myself an Angeleno because it sounds stupid.
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Jan 28, 2015 11:01
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hyperhazard posted:Has any Spanish speaking person ever used the word gringo outside of pulp magazines and bad movies? People in my family have now and then, but I can't recall anyone ever calling someone a gringo/a to his/her face.
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Jan 28, 2015 11:38
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Pit of Despair posted:
In the mental world of a schizophrenic? I also love the idea that writing a computer virus is the best way to get back at a widely spread group of terrorists, many of whom were probably out in some remote area with little to no internet access. And that they even knew who to send it to at a time when the government wasn't 100% who the perpetrators even were.
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Jan 28, 2015 11:58
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Hey look a hack comedian bit about overbearing Jewish mothers told in totally real and not-made up text message conversations. http://imgur.com/a/htJSw?gallery 
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Jan 29, 2015 01:00
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canyoneer posted:Hey look a hack comedian bit about overbearing Jewish mothers told in totally real and not-made up text message conversations. My aunt used to do things like that to my cousin. "Look at all the pretty girls we found for you!" in the middle of the Knott's Berry Farm candy store; "See? I said there'd be pretty girls at the beach!" at Corona Del Mar; and so forth. She always sounded like a megaphone was stuffed in her mouth, too. Eventually he got married. Now she does this to her grandkids.
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Jan 29, 2015 09:08
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Khazar-khum posted:My aunt used to do things like that to my cousin. "Look at all the pretty girls we found for you!" in the middle of the Knott's Berry Farm candy store; "See? I said there'd be pretty girls at the beach!" at Corona Del Mar; and so forth. She always sounded like a megaphone was stuffed in her mouth, too. I know someone who was so obsessed with getting a grandchild (a GIRL grandchild mind you) that when her son got his girlfriend pregnant, no one seemed to think it was even slightly a bad idea even though they were both still basically teenagers, unemployed/broke, had no health insurance, had barely been dating 6 months, etc. Not surprisingly, it's turned out to be a trainwreck in so many ways and the kid will probably need tons of therapy forever but hey she got that girl she always wanted!
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Jan 29, 2015 11:18
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http://uproxx.com/movies/2015/01/the-worlds-greatest-hotel-concierge-surprised-a-guest-with-nic-cage-pictures/ Nah. What's with this lovely Nicholas Cage meme anyway, how the gently caress has that poo poo not died yet?
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Jan 29, 2015 14:58
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sharktamer posted:http://uproxx.com/movies/2015/01/the-worlds-greatest-hotel-concierge-surprised-a-guest-with-nic-cage-pictures/ Uproxxx and Upworthy are the two worst sites content: A guy who was in abusive relationship with a girl. Not something to be laughed at. It just doesn't seem like he has any real scars http://imgur.com/gallery/REXCR I have 3 or 4 cigarette burns and none of them look like that EmmyOk has a new favorite as of 15:38 on Jan 29, 2015 |
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Jan 29, 2015 15:24
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corn in the bible posted:My friend and I, two naive Angelenos, are staying in Puerto Rico for a week. We're in downtown San Juan on a Tuesday night. As it's a Tuesday, we walk for quite a while without seeing anyone, all the clubs and cafes are closed, we're about to go home, and deus ex machina-style this seedy looking guy comes up to us. Urgent monotone: "You want to see some womans?" Two Worlds is posting again?
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Jan 29, 2015 20:55
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canyoneer posted:Hey look a hack comedian bit about overbearing Jewish mothers told in totally real and not-made up text message conversations. Has anyone ever called their kid "spawn", or is it some terrible censoring where she misses replacing her name about 80% of the time.
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Jan 30, 2015 01:38
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Rudager posted:Has anyone ever called their kid "spawn", or is it some terrible censoring where she misses replacing her name about 80% of the time. She's just got a WACKY JEWISH MOTHER!!!!!!!!!
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Jan 30, 2015 02:16
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  "That bee sniper is... inhuman!"
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Jan 30, 2015 06:25
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Poor bee  Now if it had been a wasp that would only have been self defence, but a poor bee ? 
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Jan 30, 2015 07:31
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There are some people who will, in fact, leave nice notes so other people can get their car fixed. This isn't one of those. quote:Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
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Jan 30, 2015 10:19
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quote:Me: “Now, I don’t know about you but it seems silly that you are willing to overlook all those sins about yourself and focus on one thing that isn’t even mentioned in the Bible. Homosexuality isn't mentioned in the bible?
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Jan 30, 2015 11:55
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Das Boo posted:Homosexuality isn't mentioned in the bible? I don't know, but what should be is using pork for a surf 'n' turf platter. Choosing pig over cow for that is a biblical mistake 
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Jan 30, 2015 12:28
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quote:Customer: “The food was delicious. Are you in charge? Do you know you have lesbians in your kitchen? Maybe you should tell them not everyone wants to see that sort of thing. It’s terribly upsetting and offensive to my religious beliefs.” Wait just a god damned minute here. How did this customer know of the lesbians and their sinful encounters in the kitchen, but not know she was complaining directly TO one of the said lesbians? I'm calling shenanigans.
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Jan 30, 2015 12:31
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Das Boo posted:Homosexuality isn't mentioned in the bible? They might have meant lesbians specifically; Leviticus only talks about men fuckin' other men in that context.
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Jan 30, 2015 12:36
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There will be a follow up post in which the protagonist will realize that hole in her line of thought later that night. She'll wake up in a cold sweat and recognize that strange additional taste on her tongue as the busty dishwasher's perfume. A nasty love triangle argument will ensue the next day at work and only stop when the handsome mary sue author self insert will seduce all three and make them all realize their problems can be solved by his penis
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Jan 30, 2015 12:39
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Besesoth posted:They might have meant lesbians specifically; Leviticus only talks about men fuckin' other men in that context. Romans 1:26–27 seems to imply that lesbians are at least as bad as homosexuals but it's a bit vague. (I had to google it)
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Jan 30, 2015 12:39
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And the woman sat there blankly while the author blabbed off bible quotes? It took me more than a minute to read that aloud. Naw, NAW! None 'a this adds up!
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Jan 30, 2015 13:00
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And then a local [Youth Minister] stood and clapped and said that although the lesbian chef is an atheist she has more chances to get to heaven than the religious lady with a tattooed Rosary, who is certainly going to hell. And then he wed the chef and the manager right there and the Holy Ghost played organ, while the homophobic woman melted in a pile of manure.
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Jan 30, 2015 13:11
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Besesoth posted:They might have meant lesbians specifically; Leviticus only talks about men fuckin' other men in that context. There were some cases of lesbian nuns being brought before the Inquisition in early modern Italy and mostly the judges had no idea what to do with them, as for most people back then sexuality only existed as man<->woman (good) and man<->man (bad) and the bible doesn't exactly talk about Lesbianism either.
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Jan 30, 2015 14:47
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Das Boo posted:And the woman sat there blankly while the author blabbed off bible quotes? It took me more than a minute to read that aloud. It turns out that lesbian chef was none other than President Josiah Bartlet.
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Jan 30, 2015 16:51
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Paladinus posted:And then a local [Youth Minister] stood and clapped and said that although the lesbian chef is an atheist she has more chances to get to heaven than the religious lady with a tattooed Rosary, who is certainly going to hell. And then he wed the chef and the manager right there and the Holy Ghost played organ, while the homophobic woman melted in a pile of manure. ... And that [Youth Minister]? Adolf Hitler.
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Jan 30, 2015 19:02
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The exes name.. albert hitler So...This happened last friday but w/e. I have been hanging out with this girl for about a year now, lets call her "Yuki" who is by far the most attractive girl I have ever see (gave up being a model in Tokyo to study). So its a standard Friday, I go to the bar and meet up with a bunch of friends. We are all getting drunk and partying hard when "Yuki" comes up to me and says that she is very drunk and feeling bad and wants me to take her back to her place. In the taxi she was getting pretty frisky and playful which I can't lie and say I didn't like... BUT when she said she was very drunk was a HUGE understatement. So anyways I carry her up stairs, get her into her place and set her on the couch. She said she was thirsty and that she felt like she was going to puke so I went and grabbed her a glass of water and a bucket. I walk into the living area and she is butt naked bent over the arm of the couch looking back at the doorway to the kitchen. This girl is loving fit. Kendo/tennis/swimming and yoga have left this girl in flawless condition. I almost died of massive blood loss upon entering the room. She looks over her shoulder at me and says "I want it bad...I have wanted it bad for so long... I NEEEEED IT" and then pukes horrible fruity cocktails all over her hair and couch. I carried her to the bathroom and got her into the shower and after a few minutes so comes out and wraps her arms around me and kisses me the most nasty second hand cocktail ever. I moved back and kissed her forehead and said that we should try this again sometime when she isn't completely wasted. grabbed her some pjs and got her to bed, then let myself out. apparently she didn't go to sleep... instead she txted her semi abusive ex. and now they are back together talking about getting married. gently caress MY LIFE. TLDR: 10/10 girl gets wasted and tries to gently caress me hard, I be the gentleman my mother raised and leave. EDIT:!!!!!!!! My FU is not moving in on the obvious attraction from the previous year... let poo poo get all twisted and weird and let an amazing (but damaged) girl slip past. EDIT#2!!!!!!! Was drunk and wrote this. Probably left out a large portion that left me seeming a tad rapey. lil backstory.... her ex basically told her she is nothing except tits and rear end and ruined her career and life with insecurity since high school. she quit her job to try and go to school and get a real job because she hated herself. some Stockholm syndrome type stuff. TIFU BY NOT MANNING UP AND MAKING THE FIRST MOVE MONTHS AGO!!! FINAL EDIT!!! Drunk (more than) semi rapey/woe is me sounding post aside. If you get a chance travel. teach English on the other side of the world, save up some money doing that then travel around Europe. and basically get lotsa adventures in. someday you will be old and out of chances. Visit Womb club in Shibuya once at bare minimum!!!!!!!!!!
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Jan 31, 2015 03:23
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"a tad rapey" "semi-rapey"
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Jan 31, 2015 04:08
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I am sure that guy's side of the story is 100% accurate and not biased. He never carried a printer!
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Jan 31, 2015 05:54
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I believe that one, but not as exaggerated, I cut a cop off on the road once, he pulled me over but let me off with a warning.
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Jan 31, 2015 06:02
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Yeah, if they're both young white guys, that sounds pretty accurate to what goes on around the places I grew up. Cops are idiots and very willing to let you off if you let them have a turn at whatever vaguely illegal poo poo you're doing and you promise you won't do it again.
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Jan 31, 2015 06:22
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