shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Cop pulled over a guy towing a boat. It turned out the cop wanted to know how much the boat was.

This, though...

quote:

Put Her In The Hot Seat
PUBLIC TRANSPORT | LONDON, UK | HEALTH & BODY, STRANGERS, TRANSPORTATION
(I�m American. I have a fairly significant [but not readily visible] physical disability and so I always take an ADA seat on public transportation when the other seats are full. I have just taken one of the �disabled, elderly, and mothers� seats on the train. The other three such seats are open. I am 30 but seem to look much younger. A middle-aged lady in a regular seat next to me starts talking:)

Lady: �You know, people need that seat.�

Me: *politely* �Um, there are three others.� *looking around and realizing the only people standing in our car are a group of young men* �There doesn�t seem to be anyone in need of any of them.�

Lady: *haughtily* �I�m sure you don�t realize this since you�re�� *sneers* �American, but those seats are for elderly passengers only!�

Me: �Actually, ma�am, they�re for elderly passengers, pregnant mothers or mothers with young children and/or prams, and the disabled. As I�ve had a grade-nine spinal fusion and stabilization and suffer from brittle skeleton, the latter applies to me. I am not supposed to stand in a moving vehicle because a fall poses much more danger to me than the average person.�

Lady: *speechless*

Me: �For the record, my deceased grandfather was an English titleholder and my uncle currently sits in Parliament.� *train arrives at the concourse* �Have a lovely day!�

# ? Jan 31, 2015 10:19

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# ? May 27, 2024 13:28

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Khazar-khum posted:

Me: �For the record, my deceased grandfather was an English titleholder and my uncle currently sits in Parliament.�

Perfect. I came upon reading this sentence.

# ? Jan 31, 2015 10:44

Bogmonster: Oct 17, 2007; The Bogey is a philosopher who knows

Bullshit. Nobody talks to each other on British public transport.

# ? Jan 31, 2015 10:46

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Khazar-khum posted:

Cop pulled over a guy towing a boat. It turned out the cop wanted to know how much the boat was.

This, though...

Howdy y'all. I'm a Yankee American Joe lorry driver and these colours don't run.

# ? Jan 31, 2015 11:26

Ratjaculation: Aug 3, 2007

Clearly STDH. There are no 'disableds' in the UK because the universal healthcare killed them all

Tally ho. Pip-pip off to parli-a-ment i go

# ? Jan 31, 2015 11:52

WaltherFeng: May 15, 2013; 50 thousand people used to live here. Now, it's the Mushroom Kingdom.

Fathis Munk posted:

Perfect. I came upon reading this sentence.

And his grandfather? Sir Albert Einstein.

# ? Jan 31, 2015 12:03

Zipperelli.: Apr 3, 2011; Nap Ghost

~*~SpEeCHLeSs~*~

# ? Jan 31, 2015 16:31

Stoatbringer: Sep 15, 2004; naw, you love it you little ho-bot

System Metternich posted:

There were some cases of lesbian nuns being brought before the Inquisition in early modern Italy and mostly the judges had no idea what to do with them

Well, the first thing would be to register a domain name.

# ? Jan 31, 2015 18:50

corn in the bible: Jun 5, 2004; Oh no oh god it's all true!

Fathis Munk posted:

Perfect. I came upon reading this sentence.

I love that too. It undermines more or less the whole conversation, and I don't know why it's there. It doesn't make the author look better, just more petty.

# ? Jan 31, 2015 18:54

Jollity Farm: Apr 23, 2010

I wonder if they had a particular MP in mind when typing that up, or if they'd just say "Um...John...Smith" when asked the name of their distinguished relative.

# ? Jan 31, 2015 21:11

Roro: Oct 9, 2012; HOO'S HEAD GOES ALL THE WAY AROUND?

Bogmonster posted:

Bullshit. Nobody talks to each other on British public transport.

We do in the wild North, but we also don't talk "haughtily" because we're all common as poo poo.

# ? Jan 31, 2015 21:30

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

Roro posted:

We do in the wild North, but we also don't talk "haughtily" because we're all common as poo poo.

unironically the below

# ? Jan 31, 2015 21:36

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

EmmyOk posted:

unironically the below

And you'd better follow those instructions:

Are guerilla stickers STDH? Because I want to believe mischievous Londoners really do put up stickers like these up here and there.

# ? Jan 31, 2015 22:15

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

And why would a London bus have ADA seats? It's lazy writing, frankly.

# ? Jan 31, 2015 22:43

Bad Roy: Jan 29, 2008; Animals are like humans, always being dicks.

London buses have assigned seats for 'the elderly, disabled and those less able to stand.'

I've also seen those stickers in the wild on London transport. Is it really hard to believe that people do that?

# ? Feb 1, 2015 00:39

Ytlaya: Nov 13, 2005

ADA doesn't stand for anything other than "Americans with Disabilities Act" in this context, does it? Because that's a pretty hilarious oversight on the part of the author.

edit: To be fair I guess it could be read as her talking about taking those seats *in America.* It's still a pretty great example of STDH just in terms of the writing/dialogue.

Ytlaya has a new favorite as of 00:47 on Feb 1, 2015

# ? Feb 1, 2015 00:45

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

ReidRansom posted:

And why would a London bus have ADA seats? It's lazy writing, frankly.

It's the same mindset where people call black residents of Britain 'African American'.

# ? Feb 1, 2015 02:16

FrozenVent: May 1, 2009; The Boeing 737-200QC is the undisputed workhorse of the skies.

Or where people in canada scream about their first amendment rights.

# ? Feb 1, 2015 02:41

a real rude dude: Jan 23, 2005

It all falls apart down to the fact those seats aren't special seats they just have a sign saying please give up this seat if needed, they're not some holy seat you can't sit in unless you fit those criteria.

# ? Feb 1, 2015 02:43

Drunk Tomato: Apr 23, 2010; If God wanted us sober,
He'd knock the glass over.

david... posted:

It all falls apart down to the fact those seats aren't special seats they just have a sign saying please give up this seat if needed, they're not some holy seat you can't sit in unless you fit those criteria.

A 14 year old who has never taken the bus wouldn't know this, see.

# ? Feb 1, 2015 03:41

IrvingWashington: Dec 9, 2007; Shabbat Shalom; Clapping Larry

Wizard of Smart posted:

He usually goes "oh I run that site"

And that site was einsteinquotes.com

code:


<audio controls="controls" 
    onloadeddata="var audioPlayer = this; 
    setTimeout(function() { audioPlayer.play(); }, 8000)"> 
        <source src="applause.mp3" type="audio/mp3" /> 
</audio>

# ? Feb 1, 2015 04:46

axolotl farmer: May 17, 2007; Now I'm going to sing the Perry Mason theme

Imgur front page:

A couple years ago I worked at a gas station. Not the best job in the world, but definitely eventful. I've forgotten most of the day-to-day shenanigans, but this event has stuck with me.

I was working in the late afternoon on Halloween when a young girl (7 probably) comes up to the counter. She looks at the donation box at the register. "What's that?" she asks me. "This is a donation box. People give money so that little kids in the hospital can get better." She beams. "That's so cool!" she said excitedly. "I wanna help!!" She pulls a crumpled up dollar out of her pocket and stuffs it into the donation box.

Enter scene: mother. Her mom shows up at the register. She loads two armloads of chips, jerky, and soda onto the counter. As I start to check out her daughter pipes up, "Mommy!! Guess what I did?" "What's that?" "I gave my dollar to kids at the hospital!" She points at the box excitedly, proud of her achievement. What her mother says next shocks me.

"YOU DID WHAT!?!?!?!" Her voice makes me jump. "WHY THE gently caress (yes, really) WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING??" The little girls voice shakes as she replies, "I just wanted to help." "Don't you EVER do that again." Her mom retorts. "I gave you that dollar so you could buy a snack. What do you think I'm going to do next time? HUH? You think I'm going to give you money? So you can THROW IT AWAY?! NO. You can starve."

By now I'm done checking out her items and the little girl has been reduced to tears. "Jesus. Quiet down and get out of my way so I can buy this." She pulls out her Food Stamp card to pay. As we finish the transaction, I'm dumbfounded into silence. I want to scream, but I grit my teeth instead. The mother grabs her bags and storms out, swearing under her breath.

As she leaves I call out to the girl, "Hang on a sec!" She stops and looks back. "Come here." My co-worker has another job at Hershey and has brought in a ton of candy to give out to the kids. I grab a handful and give it to the girl. She's disheartened and the human being in me can't just leave things as is. I want to fight against her mom and tell her that her mom's an idiot and a hypocrite and to never listen to her, but, well, I'm working. And that's her mom. So I just say, "I thought that was very nice of you. Happy Halloween." It's funny how fast kids recover. Her face lit up again when I gave her the candy and she dashed out after her mom.

My username is Natsumori and this is my own story; I don't do reposts. Yes, seriously. I'm not that desperate for imaginary internet points. ily all.

TL;DR- Gave that kid a candy bar.

# ? Feb 1, 2015 13:42

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

axolotl farmer posted:

She pulls out her Food Stamp card to pay.

loving poor people amirite.

quote:

My username is Natsumori and this is my own story; I don't do reposts. Yes, seriously. I'm not that desperate for imaginary internet points. ily all.

# ? Feb 1, 2015 13:57

Das Boo: Jun 9, 2011; There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.

When I was a little girl, I overheard some teenage boys talking poo poo about my sister's best of show artwork. I was really angry, hurt and upset. If some stranger told me personally that my mother was an idiot and a hypocrite and to never listen to her, it'd bother me a hell of a lot longer than being yelled at about chips. Thank goodness he was working that important, bourgeois cashier job! :downs:

# ? Feb 1, 2015 14:27

Sentient Data: Aug 31, 2011; My molecule scrambler ray will disintegrate your armor with one blow!

st apparently dh: pleasant relationships with family members

# ? Feb 1, 2015 14:47

Deep State of Mind: Jul 30, 2006; "It was a busy day. I do not remember it all. In the morning, I thought I had lost my wallet. Then we went swimming and either overthrew a government or started a pro-American radio station. I can't really remember."; Fun Shoe

Sounds to me like they're a poor family on government assistance and giving money to charity would be a terrible waste given their situation.

Seems reasonable the mother would be upset and want to discourage that behavior.

# ? Feb 1, 2015 15:55

Kimmalah: Nov 14, 2005; Basically just a baby in a trenchcoat.

Das Boo posted:

When I was a little girl, I overheard some teenage boys talking poo poo about my sister's best of show artwork. I was really angry, hurt and upset. If some stranger told me personally that my mother was an idiot and a hypocrite and to never listen to her, it'd bother me a hell of a lot longer than being yelled at about chips. Thank goodness he was working that important, bourgeois cashier job!

But they didn't really do that? "I thought that was nice" isn't the same as YOUR MOM IS A STUPID HYPOCRITE! :wtc:

# ? Feb 1, 2015 16:19

the holy poopacy: May 16, 2009; hey! check this out; Fun Shoe

Bloodnose posted:

Sounds to me like they're a poor family on government assistance and giving money to charity would be a terrible waste given their situation.

Seems reasonable the mother would be upset and want to discourage that behavior.

Buying junk food at the gas station is arguably a worse waste of money in that situation.

# ? Feb 1, 2015 16:21

Judge Tesla: Oct 29, 2011

david... posted:

It all falls apart down to the fact those seats aren't special seats they just have a sign saying please give up this seat if needed, they're not some holy seat you can't sit in unless you fit those criteria.

Pretty much this, I used to sit on those seats when I used to catch the bus to school, I never once got told to go sit somewhere else, and if they did I'd probably ignore them, like all schoolkids would, :v:

# ? Feb 1, 2015 16:44

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

There's so much going on in that story. I think my favorite part is the whole "my co-worker has another job at Hershey..." like it wasn't enough to say we had candy to hand out on Halloween. Second favorite was the insinuation that the mom is just going to eat two armloads of junk herself. Those drat fat poors.

# ? Feb 1, 2015 16:56

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

jodai posted:

I think my favorite part is the whole "my co-worker has another job at Hershey..." like it wasn't enough to say we had candy to hand out on Halloween.

If the generous co-worker can work two jobs to make rent and food so can Food Stamp Woman!

# ? Feb 1, 2015 18:03

davidspackage: May 16, 2007; Nap Ghost

On the way out, the mother bragged to a random passerby that she had a refrigerator at home and asked if they might get her pregnant so she could claim more benefits!

"Forgiveth me, madame." spake this troper. "However I feel compelled to request that you put considerable reconsideration in the manner in which you educate this human infant."

"BLAARGH! FLIIRP!" the mother said, poorly.

# ? Feb 1, 2015 18:20

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

Gabriel Pope posted:

Buying junk food at the gas station is arguably a worse waste of money in that situation.

Sometimes good parents in bad situations like to make small sacrifices so their children get to have something nice every once and a while.

# ? Feb 1, 2015 18:29

J Miracle: Mar 25, 2010; It took 32 years, but I finally figured out push-ups!

Here's what could have happened: kid puts dollar in donation box, mom exasperatedly says "ohh that was for your snack!" because she knows that the kid is now gonna be a cranky rear end in a top hat for the rest of the trip.

# ? Feb 1, 2015 18:41

Kimmalah: Nov 14, 2005; Basically just a baby in a trenchcoat.

Splicer posted:

Sometimes good parents in bad situations like to make small sacrifices so their children get to have something nice every once and a while.

No you see if you're poor you aren't allowed to spend any money on even the smallest of life's pleasures. If you want junk food you gotta get out those bootstraps!

# ? Feb 1, 2015 18:43

Das Boo: Jun 9, 2011; There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.

Kimmalah posted:

But they didn't really do that? "I thought that was nice" isn't the same as YOUR MOM IS A STUPID HYPOCRITE!

The only reason he didn't say that exact thing is because he was working. He makes it sound as though he should have, nay, would have been COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED in telling the little darling what a miserable scumbag her mother was.

e: Are we really parsing the stdh from the stdh?

Das Boo has a new favorite as of 20:38 on Feb 1, 2015

# ? Feb 1, 2015 20:33

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

I was going to post some of my adventures working in a convenience store, but that was stdidh.

quote:

All Smoke, No Mirrors
HOTEL | CHICAGO, IL, USA | BIZARRE, CRAZY REQUESTS, HOTELS & LODGING, TECHNOLOGY
(A guest I checked in less than two hours ago is walking up to the front desk with all her luggage, ready to leave.)

Me: �How may I help you?�

Guest: �I want to check out!�

Me: �Is everything all right? I see you are checking out early.�

Guest: �I don�t want to talk about it; I want a receipt stating that I have a zero balance.�

Me: �All right, one moment. Let me get your receipt out of the back. My printer is down.�

(I come back a few seconds later with her receipt.)

Me: �Are you sure everything is all right? You seem upset and I don�t want you leaving upset.�

Guest: �Yes, actually, you can tell your people I do not appreciate them recording me while I am sleeping!�

Me: �I�m sorry, what do you mean?�

Guest: �There was a little red light flashing above my bed!�

Me: �Oh! You mean the smoke detector. That isn�t a recording device.�

Guest: �You don�t think I know the difference between a smoke detector and a recording device?! I know that if there is a blinking red that means the camera is on and recording! So please delete any footage you have of me.�

Me: �Ma�am, I am really sorry. I promise you we do not have recording devices in our guests rooms. It honestly was a smoke detector.�

Guest: �IT WAS NOT A SMOKE DETECTOR!�

# ? Feb 2, 2015 08:32

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

# ? Feb 2, 2015 11:30

Deep State of Mind: Jul 30, 2006; "It was a busy day. I do not remember it all. In the morning, I thought I had lost my wallet. Then we went swimming and either overthrew a government or started a pro-American radio station. I can't really remember."; Fun Shoe

Sounds like a dumb thing a five year old would say.

# ? Feb 2, 2015 12:08

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# ? May 27, 2024 13:28

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Why do people always need so many words to tell their story?

I work at a hotel and one of our guests thought that a smoke detector in her room was a camera, so she checked out and asked me to delete what it filmed.

I can believe that story, but the fake-sounding dialog really makes it sound less plausible.

# ? Feb 2, 2015 14:22

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