shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

Low Hanging Fruit, I was too lazy to type it out. However it has clearly backfired on me

# ? Feb 3, 2015 17:12

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# ? May 28, 2024 02:18

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Charming.

# ? Feb 3, 2015 17:44

Tardigrade: Jul 13, 2012; Half arthropod, half marshmallow, all cute.

Lou Takki posted:

This kid got suspended because he had an encyclopedia with a depiction of a pregnant woman?

Hey, don't underestimate the power of sex ed in corrupting youth. I had that book as a kid (loved it to bits), but my dad ripped out that specific page and convinced me it was a printing defect when I noticed. I believed him because I was a stupid kid.

# ? Feb 3, 2015 17:51

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

bringmyfishback posted:

Charming.

I forgot my panties in the machine and got this message back, Tee-hee. Not looking for upvotes, but they are welcome
:wink:

posted by NotAMan

# ? Feb 3, 2015 18:40

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

I'll never understand the need to make poo poo up for likes and upvotes and retweets and whatever else. Like, if you need a temporary boost of good feelings and self worth, what happened to good old fashioned cocaine? Like, at least that's respectable. And you have to interact with people in a real way to get it, and probably get laid, maybe learn something about yourself.

# ? Feb 3, 2015 18:45

Atmus: Mar 8, 2002

Cocaine costs money and requires effort.

# ? Feb 3, 2015 18:51

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Atmus posted:

Cocaine costs money and requires effort.

And imgur/whatever costs only a speck of time and all your dignity, which, let's face it, most people don't have much to lose with the latter to begin with, anyway.

# ? Feb 3, 2015 21:33

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

Atmus posted:

Cocaine costs money and requires effort.

Most things worth doing aren't easy :colbert:

I mean, I'm not going to just go recommending cocaine to anyone. It's medicinal. Like chemo, but for your personality.

# ? Feb 3, 2015 22:17

Decrepus: May 21, 2008; In the end, his dominion did not touch a single poster.

bringmyfishback posted:

Charming.

I love people who see a joke and have to one-up it. It wasn't funny the first time why can't they just leave it alone. :smith:

# ? Feb 3, 2015 22:41

Doctor_Acula: May 24, 2011

I think it's strange that so many people find the use of "sir" and "ma'am" to be abnormal. I work corporate escalations at a call center and use both terms on almost every call. It makes people feel like special snowflakes. Every so often I'll get told I'm being condescending, but not for the use of sir/ma'am.

# ? Feb 3, 2015 22:42

Kyyrewyyoae: Jul 20, 2007; Vae debilibus!

Posted in an IT forum a few days ago:

quote:

Let me start out by saying that I do not go out of my way to say something offensive or insulting to others; if I do, it is intentional and for a good reason. However, when I start being told that I shouldn't have the right to my own opinion and what I should and shouldn't say, then there is going to be a problem. Yesterday was a prime example.

I was doing some shopping a large chain hardware store. I ran into someone I knew in the check-out line and we started talking. What we were talking about isn't important; it was just a generalized discussion about the economy and the local political situation.

During this conversation the woman behind me butted in and commented, "Excuse me, sir. I find your conversation very offensive to me. YOU need to be more careful as to how you comment. YOU shouldn't be making comments like that. YOU should of said" ... blah, blah, blah." I cut her off saying, "Excuse me ma'am. I find your interruption of my personal conversation offensive. I find that your attempt to censor my speech offensive. I find that your desire to dictate my thought process offensive, but most of all, I find YOU offensive as a human being in general." With this, she got into a huff and switched check-out lines, but not before several people in line cheered and clapped.

To sum up this rant, I will not be intentionally being offensive, make derogatory, insulting comments, or use hate speech, but I will NOT be dictated to and told WHAT I should say or not say. I do not believe in political correctness or walking on egg shells for anyone.

I will bite my tongue at work at times but that's work, not public domain. Even at work I was told that wishing someone to "have a good day" could be offensive to some as they may be "going through personal problems" and that wishing this could be an insult to them.

I think I'll leave now as I feel something offensive coming on.

# ? Feb 4, 2015 18:27

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

Well, there you go. An stdh with almost no dialogue. Of course what he does write down is stilted, weird nonsense and he had to add several people cheering and clapping. Then, a second helping of stdh about how you're not allowed to tell people to have a good day and a closing sentence that pretty much invalidates his whole point.

Is this what that forum is like all the time or is this guy a special case?

# ? Feb 4, 2015 18:46

Blackchamber: Jan 25, 2005

Sir, Ms, Mrs, Ma'am:

I worked quite a bit of retail management (I got all the complaints) and I was in the military.

I used them in retail whenever I meant 'rear end in a top hat', and in the military where i was required to use it i made sure people knew which meaning I was using. I was far more useful than I was worth correcting so I only cauggt hell for it when I was transferring. 'P' sailor baby.

# ? Feb 4, 2015 20:43

Drunk Tomato: Apr 23, 2010; If God wanted us sober,
He'd knock the glass over.

jodai posted:

Well, there you go. An stdh with almost no dialogue. Of course what he does write down is stilted, weird nonsense and he had to add several people cheering and clapping. Then, a second helping of stdh about how you're not allowed to tell people to have a good day and a closing sentence that pretty much invalidates his whole point.

Is this what that forum is like all the time or is this guy a special case?

Life Tip: if someone uses the phrase "political correctness" non-ironically as a negative, nothing they say is worth listening to.

# ? Feb 4, 2015 20:56

Kyyrewyyoae: Jul 20, 2007; Vae debilibus!

jodai posted:

Well, there you go. An stdh with almost no dialogue. Of course what he does write down is stilted, weird nonsense and he had to add several people cheering and clapping. Then, a second helping of stdh about how you're not allowed to tell people to have a good day and a closing sentence that pretty much invalidates his whole point.

Is this what that forum is like all the time or is this guy a special case?

That thread was full of people patting him on the back for his bravery, but in general it's not like that. This was in the off-topic, "water cooler" type subforum.

# ? Feb 4, 2015 21:21

Guy Montag: Jun 24, 2005

Kyyrewyyoae posted:

That thread was full of people patting him on the back for his bravery, but in general it's not like that. This was in the off-topic, "water cooler" type subforum.

My favorite part of that paricular STDH story is that he completely leaves out what exactly he was talking about that so offended this woman. Knowing the internet, and the general tendency of IT people to be raging just world fallacy libertarians, there's a good chance it was racially charged and absurdly condescending.

# ? Feb 5, 2015 00:44

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

How do you quote from another thread? I saw a glorious example in the tumblr thread.

# ? Feb 5, 2015 00:58

Not My Leg: Nov 6, 2002; AYN RAND AKBAR!

Khazar-khum posted:

How do you quote from another thread? I saw a glorious example in the tumblr thread.

Just hit quote on the quote you want to post, then copy the quote and paste it into a reply in this thread.

# ? Feb 5, 2015 01:14

cage-free egghead: Mar 8, 2004

Just call me the Creepy Justice Warrior

# ? Feb 5, 2015 16:19

Rat Patrol: Feb 15, 2008; kill kill kill kill
kill me now

Ugh good grief. When he was imagining this, did he just see everyone else at the party watching calmly as he rifled through an unconscious woman's things and then dragged her out to his car? Why not just use the phone to call her mom instead of looking like a loving kidnapper to everyone in the vicinity?

# ? Feb 5, 2015 16:31

KiddieGrinder: Nov 15, 2005; HELP ME

Huntersoninski posted:

Ugh good grief. When he was imagining this, did he just see everyone else at the party watching calmly as he rifled through an unconscious woman's things and then dragged her out to his car? Why not just use the phone to call her mom instead of looking like a loving kidnapper to everyone in the vicinity?

Because the mother is a woman and therefor she needed his rescuing as well. He would never ask her to do anything so unladylike as to drive over to pick up her alcoholic deadbeat skanky daughter, not when our heroic Knight Captain of Creepiness is here to rescue all the damsels in distress! :smugmrgw:

edit: this is probably some girl he stalked because she friendzoned him. If this happened, he was probably hoping she'd reward his heroism with sex later. I'm sure he went on and on later about how he saved her, how the "other guys" at the party were eyeing her up, how it could have gone horribly wrong, how she owed him, etc. etc.

KiddieGrinder has a new favorite as of 16:56 on Feb 5, 2015

# ? Feb 5, 2015 16:50

ReidRansom: Oct 25, 2004

I don't think my phone has an address field in the contacts. Fortunately I'm able to remember where I live anyhow.

# ? Feb 5, 2015 17:12

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

Journalist Brian Williams made up a story about the helicopter he was riding on as a journalist in Iraq was downed by an RPG. Whoopsie, actually it was another helicopter the same day, dozens of miles away.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/davidmack/williams-helicopter-story
Sorry it's buzzfeed, but this one has the best quotes.

He said it was an incorrect recollection, clouded by the fog of memory, and that he is really embarrassed by it. Fog of memory must be stronger over there, because he retold the same fib a matter of weeks after it supposedly happened.

# ? Feb 5, 2015 17:31

Marley Wants More: Oct 22, 2005; woof

canyoneer posted:

He said it was an incorrect recollection, clouded by the fog of memory

drat, I could have sworn I presented the award for best picture at the Oscars last year! Guess that explains it.

# ? Feb 5, 2015 17:47

Snowglobe of Doom: Mar 30, 2012; sucks to be right

canyoneer posted:

He said it was an incorrect recollection, clouded by the fog of memory, and that he is really embarrassed by it.

Poor guy is clearly suffering from PTSTDH syndrome. :ohdear:

# ? Feb 5, 2015 18:01

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

Poor guy is clearly suffering from PTSTDH syndrome.

haha

# ? Feb 5, 2015 18:06

monny: Oct 20, 2008; dollar dollar bill, y'all

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

Poor guy is clearly suffering from PTSTDH syndrome.

# ? Feb 5, 2015 18:08

canyoneer: Sep 13, 2005; I only have canyoneyes for you

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

Poor guy is clearly suffering from PTSTDH syndrome.

# ? Feb 5, 2015 18:16

Neodymium: Jun 23, 2012

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

Poor guy is clearly suffering from PTSTDH syndrome.

# ? Feb 5, 2015 19:21

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

You did it, Snowglobe.

# ? Feb 5, 2015 22:03

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

The burden of the mighty

# ? Feb 5, 2015 22:30

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

This article is making the rounds on facebook. Protesting woman gets put in the county jail for a couple days and writes an absolutely harrowing story. No doubt jail sucks, and for-profit jails are doing some really shady poo poo in the US, and that deserves attention. But this story just sounds so clearly embellished. It'd help her case a lot more if she just reported the facts as-is.

http://www.freepresshouston.com/wringer-one-womans-trip-harris-county-jail/

quote:

Officer Tweedy finally attempted to sell me an altered version of what took place during the arrest. Since I had been filmed during the arrest, I knew that Tweedy was attempting to tighten up their police report because they had no probable cause to arrest me. I dismissed him by saying that I knew his tactics and refused to talk to him without my attorney.

Moments later, I was pulled from the squad car by a female officer who did a body search while her male counterparts were standing just a few feet from us. I was facing an open parking lot. During the search, the female officer lifted my sweater and groped my breasts out in the open. I felt violated and asked her why she would do such a thing when the men were around and when we were facing a parking lot where anyone could see what took place.

The officer ignored me as she continued to dig in my pockets. Meanwhile, I pleaded with officers to loosen the cuffs because my hands were numb at that point. Thankfully, an officer felt sorry enough for me that he loosened them and was careful when placing me back in the car. Ultimately, I spent over two hours in handcuffs before they were removed for the night. I was initially sent to the Southeast City Jail on Saturday evening, then transferred to Harris County Jail by 7 a.m. Sunday morning.

In making my calls, I was made aware that my activist friends and my long time partner were working to get me out of jail. However, the county continued to process me through clinic, classification, then placed me in a cell block wearing county orange attire after the pre trial judge found probable cause to criminally charge me with �interfering with a peace officer.� I learned that a bond was being posted to get me out of jail but that it would take eight to twelve hours to fully process the bond and release me from jail.

After experiencing five different holding cells, I observed that all cells are frigid, leaving female inmates shivering as they sit on cement benches for hours at a time, with no clocks to tell the time, and no way to catch a nap because the cells are filthy. For meals, inmates are given a green-tinted bologna sandwich twice a day. I refused to eat or drink from the water fountains that are literally located at the top of the toilet where there is a green substance outlining the water fountain spout. I didn�t want to take a chance of getting food poisoning or getting sick from the green substance that bleeds into the water from the fountain.

Before you�re moved to a cell block, you�re required to go through the classification tier. This is where women are advised to strip down completely naked in front of other inmates and jailers. I personally felt violated for a second time since the arrest. As we female inmates stood naked, we noticed a jailer who goes by the name of Ms. G, who looks like she could be Snow White�s grandmother with her box-dyed black hair, extremely white, aged skin, and bright red lipstick. An inmate caught Ms. G with her hand at her crotch as we stood naked and helpless.

The moment the inmate spoke up to Ms. G concerning her action, Ms. G became combative and threatening while stating that we are the criminals wearing the orange jumpsuits and that no one would care what we had to say about her touching herself or her insensitive words. At this point, I spoke up, reminding her that not every person wearing a jumpsuit is a real criminal. She shouted back for me to �Shut the gently caress up!� or else they�ll keep me in jail longer. I continued to speak out against Ms. G, though, because her violating and threatening us was way out of line.

The majority of crimes consisted of marijuana charges � holding a joint or two but never any real drug charges. Another crime that seemed to be prevalent among the women was theft at Walmart. Most thefts took place as a way to survive � needing food to eat or clothes because individuals couldn�t afford winter attire. A few others were in for speeding tickets, suspended licenses, and/or failure to appear in court. At no point did I come across even a single true criminal. Not one murderer, rapist, or child predator. Regardless, we have a system in Harris County jail that violates human rights over and over again from the food served to strip searches led by jailers who pleasure themselves by naked women.

The second worst abuse I witnessed was when a few inmates and I were taken back down to classification to change back into our street clothes. This time, Ms. G was not there; however, we were met with a mouthy jailer who thanked us for being the criminals we are because without us, she wouldn�t have her job. One inmate questioned what she was supposed to do with her feminine product while stripped down, when the jailer began screaming at her to shut up and throw the product in the trash, exposing inmates to the mess made on the floor after she was forced to bend and cough. The inmate requested a fresh feminine product but was denied that product by the same jailer who continued to be condescending towards the group. The jailer and inmate continued to argue; however, the inmate was never given a feminine product to protect herself, her clothing, and most of all, other inmates that will eventually sit where this unprotected inmate originally sat. I was appalled that jailers would expose other inmates to a bloody mess left behind by this inmate who had no control.

I am a woman who is highly engaged with the homeless community and has participated in raising awareness about many social issues plaguing us today. I am no criminal. I am a human being.

Walking out of Harris County jail has left me with a bit of PTSD days later. My stomach is still in knots, which doesn�t allow me to digest food properly. For the time being, I�m unable to get a full night�s sleep and my sore wrists are a very tender, lingering reminder of state violence on my body.

UPDATE: One month later, I am still dealing with the effects of Harris County jail and all I endured. PTSD stemming from county jail when you�re not a real criminal is very real.

I feel like if any of that was remotely true she could sue the hell out of the state.

Also you'd think a political activist would be more aware of how the law works. She seems completely shocked by all of this.

Plus, being a dude I guess I don't really know, but are there ladies with such a heavy flow that taking a pad off for a couple minutes means you're going to leave a bloody mess on the floor? :stonk:

Of course all the inmates were angels and all the prison guards were abusive.

Zaphod42 has a new favorite as of 01:57 on Feb 6, 2015

# ? Feb 5, 2015 23:06

YeahTubaMike: Mar 24, 2005; *hic* Gotta finish thish . . .; Doctor Rope

Zaphod42 posted:

Plus, being a dude I guess I don't really know, but are there ladies with such a heavy flow that taking a pad off for a couple minutes means you're going to leave a bloody mess on the floor?

A couple of minutes? Maybe this is getting into TMI territory, but I wouldn't want to stand around unprotected for 10 seconds during the first or second day of my period.

# ? Feb 5, 2015 23:17

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

YeahTubaMike posted:

A couple of minutes? Maybe this is getting into TMI territory, but I wouldn't want to stand around unprotected for 10 seconds during the first or second day of my period.

Its not TMI if I ask! :cheeky:

Welp, thanks for the awful truth.

# ? Feb 5, 2015 23:45

KiddieGrinder: Nov 15, 2005; HELP ME

Zaphod42 posted:

But this story just sounds so clearly embellished.

Seems like a load of stdh, in fact you might as well have put the whole thing in bold. Classic symptoms of stdh:

Saying stuff when you wouldn't have said it (they're all naked and humiliated and the female guard is masturbating, so the protagonist decides then to tell her that not everyone who wears a jumpsuit is a "real criminal"?)

Bravery where there wouldn't have been (just got told to "shut the gently caress up!" and threatened with more jail time by the masturbating guard while they're all naked and humiliated, but she "continued to speak out" because what she was doing was "way out of line")

Tales of embellished or just completely made up persecution (female police popped the hero's tits out and fondled them in a crowded parking lot, basically raping her)

Un-natural memory (she remembers the charges for the other women lined up naked? Like she wasn't too traumatized and mortified to file these super important details away for later?)

Un-believable punishment or treatment by others ("NO FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCTS FOR YOU FUCKERS!" said the condescending jailer)

Anonymity when it isn't needed (Ms. G? Why protect her? Surely you'd want to name and shame this person for being such a disgusting scumbag? Or are you not giving her name because people could easily find out she doesn't exist)

And then of course she suffers from "a bit" of PTSD. About the only thing I'd believe from that story is that she was arrested, she didn't like it, and she vowed to make them pay for their audacity, thus this bullshit story was born.

KiddieGrinder has a new favorite as of 00:00 on Feb 6, 2015

# ? Feb 5, 2015 23:46

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

Yeah my thoughts exactly.

Oh, I should go ahead and embed the included drawing because its, well, see for yourself:

This is Mrs. G.

What the gently caress :stonk:

# ? Feb 5, 2015 23:55

KiddieGrinder: Nov 15, 2005; HELP ME

Zaphod42 posted:

This is Mrs. G.

FW:FW:FW:FW: Oh my god! THAT'S the kind of jailer they have working at Harris County Jail???? I'M EMAILING MY CONGRESSMAN RIGHT NOW!

edit: or is it Ms White? Who knows! :shrug:

# ? Feb 5, 2015 23:57

J Miracle: Mar 25, 2010; It took 32 years, but I finally figured out push-ups!

Most of that jail poo poo sounds like it totally could have happened. Maybe the part about a female guard touching herself while looking at naked prisoners but that was second-hand stdh anyway since she says another inmate say it. Most people in a jail on a typical day are gonna be what some would consider "not real criminals" although the language of 'holding a joint or two" might be hyperbole you are going to see mostly possession of small amounts of drugs, driving while license suspended, etc etc.

# ? Feb 6, 2015 00:41

walrusman: Aug 4, 2006

I like that the author thinks people are always 100% honest about the circumstances that led to their incarceration. :rolleyes:

Every single person in jail was just trying to feed their families by stealing food from Walmart - the biggest and least-sympathetic victim of them all. Never mind that most Walmarts don't even have loss prevention, all have strict policies against pursuing or detaining shoplifters, and the fact that shoplifting isn't even a go-to-jail crime in most jurisdictions.

# ? Feb 6, 2015 01:49

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# ? May 28, 2024 02:18

booshi: Aug 14, 2004; ||||||||||

Zaphod42 posted:

Walking out of Harris County jail has left me with a bit of PTSD days later

drat that's quick to see a psych and get a diagnosis.

# ? Feb 6, 2015 02:18

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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