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Leperflesh posted:A sad sack is unattractive and socially awkward. Even his co-workers at his pathetic, badly-paid zero-respect dead-end job dislike and avoid him. He can't get a date, and when he waits for the bus he gets splashed with water from a puddle. His landlord hates him. A question mark fades in after The End. "Or is it?" You think It's not! Cuts to a man in a military uniform unveiling the machine for a general and a president who's face you can't see. They have weaponized the arm grabbing vice. The creator was merely it's first victim. The general says "who will be next?" He turns to face the viewer, knowingly, "Maybe you...?"
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Feb 9, 2015 00:44
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It's a hot summers day and a thirsty man goes to the store. He buys a 6 pack of old fashioned country lemonade. But when he gets home he discovers the box is full of warm diet Pepsi. His repeated failed attempts to get the lemonade he so desperately thirsts for slowly drive him insane.
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Feb 9, 2015 01:46
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What a man thought was his wife, turns out to be a lying bitch whore.
Ork of Fiction fucked around with this message at 09:53 on Feb 10, 2015 |
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Feb 9, 2015 02:18
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Vocaloids suddenly have Hitler mustaches and anything they're programmed to sing is automatically translated into German.
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Feb 9, 2015 02:20
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A struggling comedy writer is shown being kicked out of his last gig. Broke, depressed and desperate, he agrees to be the test subject for a device which requires him to step inside a closed chamber. He signs a stack of paperwork while only pretending to be reading it by mumbling the first couple words of each paragraph. Upon exiting the machine, he feels uplifted. He takes his earnings and decides to try one more comedy club. He is met with great applause! Several months pass and he is on the verge of getting picked up by a national television network. But the network declines - in favor of someone who looks just like him! He discovers the machine split him in two. It's his ideal self versus the sum of his depressed self-destructive wrath! Tune in to the season premiere of "Grant Me The Serenity" underwritten by Alcoholics Anonymous
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Feb 9, 2015 02:32
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A woman comes across an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying quietly to himself. The woman asks him what's wrong and the man starts talking about how sad he is at seeing his beautiful creation destroyed by the greed and corruption of man. After talking to the man for a while and listening to his laments about humanity, the woman finally asks him directly "Are you... God?". The old man pauses for a minute, looks at her and responds "But perhaps all is not lost. I see the spark of goodness in you..." He offers the woman a folded piece of paper, saying "Please take this, use it, and bring some goodness back to the world. Maybe you could be the catalyst for something amazing. Maybe you can be the saviour of all...". She unfolds it ands sees nothing but a jumble of letters and numbers on it. She asks "What's this? I don't understand." The old man, with a twinkle in his eye, responds "You may not understand now, but hodl on to it because when the time is right you will." And with that the old man gets up, thanks the woman, walks away and goes to board a nearby bus. The old man pulls out his bus pass and we get to see the name printed on it - "Satoshi Nakamoto".
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Feb 9, 2015 03:42
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Contra Duck posted:hodl nice touch
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Feb 9, 2015 04:24
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An old man on the verge of death pays a priest to be his 24-hour companion for the remainder of his life so that he may confess and be forgiven for all his sins as they occur so that he can be a bastard and still get into Heaven. However, when the pair die in an accident, they both end up in Hell. Demanding to know why, he finds out that the priest was a conman who was robbing him blind.
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Feb 9, 2015 08:25
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A film critic complains once too often about how stupid all Hollywood movies are and laments that he's too smart for the films meant for the masses, anymore. That night, he passes a new art house theater on his way from work and sees them advertizing a non-stop film festival of the most extraordinary films ever. Intrigued, he steps in and is escorted to his seat by a polite usher. Soon afterwards, every film that comes out is too smart for him to understand. Trying to leave, he finds himself trapped, the usher reminding he that he bought a ticket for a 'non-stop' film festival...
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Feb 9, 2015 08:44
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A man works at a mannequin factory. One day he hears a ticking from a mannequin's crotch. Eventually he decides to get closer to listen. A dick breaks through and kills him.
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Feb 9, 2015 12:27
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Woman orders special dish at eastern restaurant. Waiter gets very nervous and leaves. Cook comes out and tries to persuade woman to try something else. She is western and haughty and so refuses. Manager and then owner comes out to try same, but she remains defiant. She is served a large fish. The fish looks at her with seemingly pleading eyes, but she eats it. She wakes up next day in bed with her husband to find she is very pregnant. She screams and tries to wake husband. Husband rolls over to reveal he is a fish. (he is also dead)
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Feb 9, 2015 12:34
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A suicide bomber tries to explode himself in a cafe but after screaming "allahu ackbar" and pressing the detonator it releases chirping doves. People think he's an edgy magician/performance artist. He tries to blow himself up a couple other times and he just keeps making more and more doves. He gets depressed because he wants to kill people and die but eventually comes around and sees that maybe terrorism is bad and he should spread joy and peace. He does a live performance for the UN and a bunch of philanthropists but instead of making a bunch of doves this time it makes one really really big dove the size of a truck. It is bloodthirsty and kills everyone there.
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Feb 9, 2015 12:45
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Junkfist posted:A suicide bomber tries to explode himself in a cafe but after screaming "allahu ackbar" and pressing the detonator it releases chirping doves. People think he's an edgy magician/performance artist. He tries to blow himself up a couple other times and he just keeps making more and more doves. He gets depressed because he wants to kill people and die but eventually comes around and sees that maybe terrorism is bad and he should spread joy and peace. Alt ending: his final performance is in front of his former terrorist cell, where the doves turn hostile and devour the assembly of evil men.
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Feb 9, 2015 12:48
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A nuclear war kills everybody on Earth, but because everybody became a ghost at the same time, nobody notices.
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Feb 9, 2015 12:58
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A man robs a bank, but the money is cursed to turn the first man who looks upon it permanently blue.
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Feb 9, 2015 13:05
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A race of advanced aliens arrives on earth to share the secrets of the cosmos, but nobody takes them seriously because their faces look like human butts.
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Feb 9, 2015 13:16
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Nessa posted:Ghost is the Machine This reminds me of a nightmare I had. It was based on the Dr. Seuss cartoon The Hoober Bloob Highway only the highway was taken over by Eldritch monsters who were using it to be born in human wombs.
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Feb 9, 2015 14:57
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Self-driving cars become ubiquitous, driver-free taxis make travelling around town comfortable and cheap. Unfortunately the cars all have a really sleezey voice and keep following anyone walking or jogging shouting that they want them inside them.
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Feb 9, 2015 15:03
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A man makes a joke twilight zone episode concept of a dystopian future where everything's poo poo and nobody cares. Then he realizes... He's living in that world. But he doesn't really care so whatev's, right?
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Feb 9, 2015 15:13
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A man in brooklyn trips and falls and hits his head on a rock. When he awakens, the world seems slightly off, slightly discolored, as he slowly comes to. He stumbles outside, and bumps into a friend of his. The friend turns around, and the man shudders in horror; he realizes his friend is dressed like an idiot. His pant cuffs are rolled way up like Tom Sawyer, and his clothes are all way too small, and made of strange, low quality material. His friend begins to speak, and the man is further horrified; his friend has no idea what he is saying. He spouts gibberish, vomiting words from his mouth with no discernible, underlying meaning, like "cultural awareness," and "post-modernism," and "online presence." The man runs. He ricochets through the streets, bumping into more and more people like his friend, mindless twentysomethings, utterly assured of their value and import; rotted to the core by a lifetime of coddling and parental helicoptering - no sense of their own insignificance. Still he runs, but wait. He can see it. Its almost invisible now, but he can see it. He instinctively understands why he couldn't see it before, but he can't explain it. A thin strand of aether, connecting them all; controlling their thoughts and their actions. Like a web, stringing them all together. Dear God; they're being mind controlled by... by... their own insecurities. It dawns on him like a ton of bricks; none of them really believe or understand any of it! Each, regurgitating the words and the clothes and the macbooks and the vinyl records of one another, like seabirds swapping digested mackerel; from one to the next. Each, so desperate to belong to an idea that they'll turn over all their free will, all their opinions, all their criticisms, to become connected to the machine. The man runs. Falling, stumbling, sweating he runs. He falls. Trips over a bike, parked halfway into the sidewalk without consideration. Part of his brain notes the bike has only a single gear, and how ridiculous that is. His ears ringing, he slowly rises, and opposite him rises another. In the store window, blood red, staring back at him. His flannel shirt.
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Feb 9, 2015 15:57
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A man finds one of those cheapass genies that only grants 1 wish. The man's wish? "I wish to be Jesus for a day." "Alright, I'll even be generous and make you Jesus for 3 days," replies the genie. With a snap of a finger, the man becomes Jesus for 3 days. The 3 days before the resurrection.
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Feb 9, 2015 17:23
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Mehuyael posted:A man finds one of those cheapass genies that only grants 1 wish. 
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Feb 9, 2015 19:35
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Even better, turn him into Baby Jesus for a day.
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Feb 9, 2015 19:47
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A team of 1930s scientists working in North Africa locate and bring back to their laboratory one of these fabled "genie lamps" of myth and legend. Working tirelessly for months, they manage to summon a genie and trap it within their scientific apparatus by refusing to speak or even think of anything resembling a "wish" in the genie's presence, a discipline they have trained for for years. It is only through ironclad control of their minds that they accomplish this. Finally when all is ready, a radio is placed in the Genie's isolation chamber, and a voice speaks out. "I wish for a means to control and channel the superior Germanic peoples, to guide them to build a great War Machine that shall tread the thrones of Europe into the dust!" speaks a harshly accented voice, and the Genie, exhausted and frustrated but smug as hell, informs the speaker that his wish has been granted. The scientific apparatus surrounding the Genie chamber whirrs and buzzes, instrument needles slam back and forth, etc. etc. and the scientists are abuzz with excitement! However, as they pore over their readouts and mutter amongst themselves, they finally come to the conclusion that they have failed to capture and record the mechanism of the Genie's magic. The Genie, having granted a Wish, dissipates into the aether, and the scientists shudder, knowing that they must report to their boss the failure of their plan. You already know how this goes, Hitler Nazis etc. etc. The discipline and mind control techniques developed for the Genie project are put to use against the German people, and soon the dark specter of the fascists is a shadow over all of Europe. The irony is that the reason the scientists failed is because the Genie didn't have to use its magic at all! The means to stomp all over Europe were already in their hands.
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Feb 9, 2015 19:48
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A man goes to the toilet to take a poo poo. The following bowel movements literally shake the foundations of his parents' house, accompanied by the sounds of brown thunder. The family dog barks until the following morning due to this super nasty dunk. The man, a goon, is so proud of this poo poo he took. "Man, I wish everyone knew about this great poo poo I just took." Unbeknownst to him, the man's poo poo was so spectacular that it has awakened the toilet's genie! "Wish granted, goonsire, all living humans shall know of your Epic Poop!" The goon, with a tear in his eye, replies, "Thank you, toilet genie, this is the best day I've ever had." However, everyone is so flattened by the knowledge that such a fantastical poo poo was taken that the always-ready grays, reptilians, and mole people get the perfect opportunity to strike. The three forces invade the surface of Earth and each take their slice of it. The next century is spent fighting each other for total domination of the planet, with the humans kept as cattle, slaves, and grunts.
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Feb 9, 2015 20:11
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[takes drag off cigarette] We often take the little things for granted. Such is the case for Edith Sloan, a professional lamp polisher from Park city, Arizona. Today she will find out that the little things are about to get bigger, because they are being reflected in the funhouse mirror known as... The Twilight Zone <Edith polishes antique lamp. Smoke pours out and a man stands before her.> Edith: Hitler! [20 minutes of boring dialogue filler] Man: I shall grant you one wish Edith: I wish to have all the political power you weilded at the height of your career! Twist ending: He is not Hitler genie, but actually Charlie Chaplin. Edith is accused of being a communist and executed. Drunk Nerds fucked around with this message at 20:30 on Feb 9, 2015 |
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Feb 9, 2015 20:19
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[exhales tobacco smoke] An ordinary man taking a crap. No one in their right mind would think this the basis for an amazing story. Except for people that are totally in their right minds in... The Twilight Zone Shot opens up on a funeral. Black suit-clad man excuses himself to go to the bathroom. As he sits, humming showtunes , a corpse's ghost stretches through the plumbing. Soon, it's long arm pops into the man 's rectum, and stretches him out until he is nine feet long and quite slender. Twist ending: That man was Albert Einstein and he was at the funeral for Adolph Hitler and god exists and god is dead. Drunk Nerds fucked around with this message at 20:32 on Feb 9, 2015 |
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Feb 9, 2015 20:25
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Picture this: The Twilight Zone episode "Walking Distance" plays to its midpoint, when suddenly the show cuts to a commercial break. Only the commercial break doesn't end. And there's only one commercial - playing over and over again: https://www.youtuberepeat.com/watch?v=93KTpF9JDWo Forever.
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Feb 9, 2015 20:26
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Chris Pine is taking a plane to the coast so he can begin acting in a flashy, big-budget movie. Before the plane takes off he notices a small fortune-telling machine has been left on his seat, with a cheap plastic devil's head attached to the top. Thinking nothing of it he casually discards the thing, then freezes as an anguished howl rises from outside the plane. He turns to look out the window and sees a bespectacled, portly gentleman sporting a bushy beard around his neck. The man is gesturing and shouting angrily at Chris, who can only stare back in confusion and horror. The man climbs atop the wing of the plan and begins pounding on it mercilessly, still screaming at the top of his lungs. Chris tries to get the attention of his fellow passengers, the stewardesses, even the captain. But they all just laugh it off, and tell him to relax. Eventually the plane takes off, and the man on the wing is sucked into a jet engine and minced in seconds. Chris laughs and leans back in his chair, realizing that "all that sound and fury really did signify nothing!"
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Feb 9, 2015 20:33
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An ordinary woman who is something of a loner keeps many cats and looks after each one with great care. One night, after she's gone to sleep, a pair of burglars breaks into her house. As they rummage though her belongings, they find the woman's cats continuously underfoot and must constantly shoo them away. One of the burglars kicks a cat particularly hard and it hisses, provoking angry growls from the other cats, which seem to be multiplying every second. They pop out of cupboards and crevices and crannies, until the burglars find themselves completely surrounded. Close up on their terrified expressions before the cats leap and the burglars are completely engulfed. Their screams muffled by the furry onslaught. The next day, the woman is tending to her cats, completely unaware of what transpired the previous night. As she is preparing her cats' breakfast, two of them come forward with gifts for her that we recognize as the burglars' shoes "Ohh, you're so sweet! But where do you keep finding all these shoes?" the woman smiles. She accepts the gifts and places them carefully in the closet where she's accumulated several dozen pairs of shoes of various sizes and styles over the years.
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Feb 9, 2015 20:40
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A hunter is out looking for rabbits, but the rabbit he finds ends up being more than he bargained for.
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Feb 9, 2015 20:46
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Applewhite posted:An ordinary woman who is something of a loner keeps many cats and looks after each one with great care. One night, after she's gone to sleep, a pair of burglars breaks into her house. As they rummage though her belongings, they find the woman's cats continuously underfoot and must constantly shoo them away. One of the burglars kicks a cat particularly hard and it hisses, provoking angry growls from the other cats, which seem to be multiplying every second. They pop out of cupboards and crevices and crannies, until the burglars find themselves completely surrounded. Close up on their terrified expressions before the cats leap and the burglars are completely engulfed. Their screams muffled by the furry onslaught. This is good.
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Feb 9, 2015 20:49
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twist: the entire time, it was really duck season
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Feb 9, 2015 20:49
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A wallaby, a cow and a turtle go fishing, but when they go out to sea, they find that something else is out there fishing... For them.
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Feb 9, 2015 20:50
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You're trapped in a submarine descending at an alarming rate. The skipper is a ghost, or perhaps a scary clown. He takes you down to a depth somewhere between 200-1000 meters where he informs you you've just entered The Twilight Zone. Open your books to chapter four: An ordinary cuttlefish finds himself threatened by what he believes to be a predator. He releases his ink and swims away as fast as he can, putting as much distance as possible between him and his attacker. Too late he realizes he's swimming straight into the jaws of a hungry shark! He tries to release an ink cloud, but all his ink was used up escaping his previous assailant. He tries to evade but to no avail, the shark devours him in a single bite. Meanwhile, the ink cloud dissipates to reveal the squid's first "attacker" was just a tangle of seaweed.
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Feb 9, 2015 21:12
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J. J. Abrams berates his postproduction staff to add more lens flare to the footage of his latest film. When they protest, he shoves them out of the way and applies the lens flare himself, turning the balance to dangerously bright levels. Cut to five years later, Abrams is shown tapping his way down the street with a blind-man's cane. His retinas permanently destroyed by his single minded obsession with the lens flare effect.
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Feb 9, 2015 21:17
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A man finds a magic typewriter that magically transcribes events as they happen. The twist is that they only transcribe events that he can see or hear at the time.
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Feb 9, 2015 21:18
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A man finds a magic typewriter that whatever you write about, the opposite happens in real life. Young Adolf Hitler discovers this too late after writing a self-aggrandizing novel wherein he becomes a hero for saving the lives of millions of Jews.
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Feb 9, 2015 21:21
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A typewriter repairman finds a magic typewriter that causes whatever is typed on it to happen in real life. After playing around with it and accidentally causing serious mayhem, injury, and even a death, he decides it's far too dangerous a thing to exist. As he types "...and then the typewriter shattered into a million pieces" it explodes, filling his body with deadly shrapnel. Moments later, Hitler walks into his shop, looking to buy a typewriter. Seeing the carnage, he leaves, and the Holocaust never happens.
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Feb 9, 2015 21:23
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After a surprisingly dark and intense initiation into the Guild, an apprentice typewriter repairman discovers that buried within the mechanisms of every typewriter is a tiny trapped genie, enslaved and doomed to make the letters appear on the paper when people push the keys. Warned repeatedly not to interfere, the apprentice is determined to set the enslaved genies free; but when he does so, instead of granting him wishes, they go on a rampage and destroy the world.
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Feb 9, 2015 21:26
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