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SpiderHyphenMan
Apr 1, 2010

by Fluffdaddy

Austrian mook posted:

I just got clickholes page not found page and its pretty hilarious
Corrected Link!

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Fellwenner
Oct 21, 2005
Don't make me kill you.


quote:

They hear you and advance on you and your brother. “Gee whiz!” he yells as they drag him off into the night. To what fate, you never ask nor wonder. As for you, great one, you worry what might befall you. But you needn’t have.


In three short years you eventually piece together that these men are not ghosts, and through their ranks you rise to become their boy king. Running the illegal drug empire how you see fit. You are renamed Killgar the Brutalist, and you lose your virginity super early and are rich and never go to jail. You have truly mastered the Mysterious Shadows of Skullshadow Island!

Awesome! Suck it, Brock.

WickedHate
Aug 1, 2013

by Lowtax
There are two different endings that use a figure of Captain Harlock as the image and that is badass.

Austrian mook
Feb 24, 2013

by Shine
I challenged my brother to a fight and he beat me up and killed me

pitlo
Dec 30, 2004

You won't get anything
done by planning.

This is the best one they've done. So well done.

Fight Club Sandwich
Apr 29, 2006

you want a piece of me???

“Excellent work, Applicant 4530632. You showed resourcefulness, physical and mental prowess, and the cold-hearted ability to not let familial ties cloud your mission objective. We’ve decided to promote you to Full Field Agent status. Code name...007.”

I did it

Arist
Feb 13, 2012

who, me?


We Put A Falcon And A Rabbit In The Same Room Together. What Happened Will Not Surprise You.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

I beat it! Was there any trick to the piano besides trial and error?

Cake Attack
Mar 26, 2010

you play night moves

SpiderHyphenMan
Apr 1, 2010

by Fluffdaddy

zakharov posted:

I beat it! Was there any trick to the piano besides trial and error?
The bottle was in fact germane to the quest at hand.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:
Oh, the chords I found for Night Moves didn't work :(

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007

It's okay if you have any questions.


zakharov posted:

Oh, the chords I found for Night Moves didn't work :(

Yeah, same here. Also, is there anything that gives away the passphrase for after the piano? I just guessed.

zakharov
Nov 30, 2002

:kimchi: Tater Love :kimchi:

ultrafilter posted:

Yeah, same here. Also, is there anything that gives away the passphrase for after the piano? I just guessed.

Put the dialogue from the boat into google translate

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007

It's okay if you have any questions.


Of course.

Ice To Meet You
Mar 5, 2007

LeBron James Vs. Michael Jordan: The Definitive Head-To-Head Comparison

Dunks so powerful that the ball screams posted:

Early in his career, Jordan excelled at dunking so powerfully that a mouth would appear on the ball and begin screaming, but this skill diminished in his later seasons, leaving him with a career average of 1.6 instances per game. James currently holds the lead at 3.1 instances per game, but expect this number to wane in coming seasons.

Get Innocuous!
Dec 6, 2011

come together

Cleretic
Feb 3, 2010


Ignore my posts!
I'm aggressively wrong about everything!

The Film Standard's Oscar special was pretty great, too.

Hello Sailor
May 3, 2006

we're all mad here

Cleretic posted:

The Film Standard's Oscar special was pretty great, too.

Finally, a film critic willing to stand up and say that this year's Oscar contenders have really reached a new low.

khwarezm
Oct 26, 2010

Deal with it.

Hello Sailor posted:

Finally, a film critic willing to stand up and say that this year's Oscar contenders have really reached a new low.

This comment reminds that the Onion's youtube channel has better comments than I've seen for anything else:

quote:

The brainy depths of Peter Rosenthal's expertise are the only thing that can keep those of us still wet behind the ears as film critics from drowning in a sea of sub-par films.

quote:

The standards of today's critics have sunk to such depths that I can no longer *sub*scribe to them. Too many good films have gone right under the radar. We should not feel like there is too much pressure to go deeper in our analysis of movies. Who knows, maybe, next year, a underdog will torpedo it's way through the nominations. But alas, I fear that ship has sailed.

khwarezm has a new favorite as of 05:33 on Feb 22, 2015

Hemingway To Go!
Nov 10, 2008

im stupider then dog shit, i dont give a shit, and i dont give a fuck, and i will never shut the fuck up, and i'll always Respect my enemys.
- ernest hemingway
a lot of the comments didn't get the sub text.

HackensackBackpack
Aug 20, 2007

Who needs a house out in Hackensack? Is that all you get for your money?

Cleretic posted:

The Film Standard's Oscar special was pretty great, too.

Subtle.

Sulla Faex
May 14, 2010

No man ever did me so much good, or enemy so much harm, but I repaid him with ENDLESS SHITPOSTING
In case anybody needs the chords for the piano, they're G F C C F G

Tunicate
May 15, 2012

zakharov posted:

Oh, the chords I found for Night Moves didn't work :(
http://www.theonion.com/articles/top-guitar-tabs-we-learned-in-2014,37659/#4

William Bear
Oct 26, 2012

"That's what they all say!"
I just remembered one of my favorites:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/ask-a-man-whos-jowldeep-in-phyllis-dillers-pussy,12258/

quote:

Ask A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy

ADVICE • Celebrities • Sex • Self-Improvement • ISSUE 41•37 • Sep 14, 2005

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,
I'm single mother of two in my mid-30s. I'm busy working and raising two teenagers, but I still make time for what I consider very important: family activities. Lately, however, my son and daughter seem to prefer going off by themselves to spending time together. Worse, when I insist on quality time, they resent it... and me. How do I cope with this "generation gap"? I thought you'd understand, because you are jowl-deep in Phyllis Diller's pussy.

—Fed-Up in Frisco

Dear Fed-Up in Frisco,
Mmmph, mmph, mmmmmph... MMPH! (gasp) MMPH! Mm-mmm-rrrrrr-nnnnn-mmmm-rrrumph oompth mmph rrrmmm-nnnn-OOF! (pant, pant!) OOF! Urrrrrgggghhh-gggrrgle oompth-mmph! MMMPH! MMMPTH! Brrr-oooooo-nnnn-yowww-rrrrrummmm-nummm.... Nnnnnph! NNNPH! NNNNNNNNPH! Oh God... MMMMMMMPH! (gasp!) (pant, pant, pant...) (gurgle!) MMMPH!

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,
My husband "Hugh" and I have been active participants in our church for decades, and have traditionally been very involved with our community of fellow congregants. But Hugh doesn't see eye-to-eye with our new pastor, who has initiated many new policies for the church. Hugh feels we should consider finding a new church with a more traditional approach to Sunday worship. I feel he is overreacting. Who's right? I know you can help me figure out what to do, as you are currently jowl-deep in the genitals of stand-up comedy legend Phyllis Diller.

—Conflicted in Connecticut

Dear Conflicted in Connecticut,
Urrrrrrrrrrrrrgh-ggrrrgggrrrgggle-ggrrrggg-mmmmmmph. MMMPH MMMPH MMMPH! Schlurp schlurp schlurrrrrgle schlurp MMMMPH! ACK! Aaaaaaaaaaa!!!

AAAAAA!!! GRRUUUUUUUUMMPH! Mm... nnnn... ooorrrrmmmm-hrrrrrrmph-ooooorrph.... (gag) GLURP! Glurrrrrrr-GLURP: glag glag glag glag (gasp) MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!! MMMMMMMMMMMMPH!

Dear Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy,
This may seem trivial to a man who's busy orally satisfying Phyllis Diller, but it's become a real problem here in our household: My husband always demands to be in control of the TV remote! I don't usually mind if he wants to pick the shows himself, but why can't I have a chance every once in a while? What is with him? I'm a patient woman, but my tolerance for his remote-hogging behavior is going down—and I don't mean on Phyllis Diller!

—Anonymous in Anaheim

Dear Anonymous in Anaheim,
GURGLE! GULP! GASP! Mmmmmm-gloooof-flurggggle-flurh-MMMPH!) MMMMMMMMM mmmmmmmmph! MMMMMPH! Gmmmmmph! MMPH! MMMMMPH! Oooooooooooooooof! OOOOOOOOOOF! MMMMMMMMMPH! Gulp. Gulp. Gulp. (pant, pant) MMMMMMPH! Mmmmmm... mmmmmNNNRRRGGH! MMM-nnnrrmmmmllllurglr lurgle lurlgle lurg MMMMPPH! (gasp!) MMMNNNMM!!! NNNMMMNNN!! MMMMMPPPPPH... (desperately tries to breath through nose).

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPH!

A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy has been a syndicated advice columnist since 1979. His column appears in over 250 papers nationwide.

Good Citizen
Aug 12, 2008

trump trump trump trump trump trump trump trump trump trump

If you told me I wrote this article in high school I'd have a hard time proving you wrong

Dr. Arbitrary
Mar 15, 2006

Bleak Gremlin

Sulla-Marius 88 posted:

In case anybody needs the chords for the piano, they're G F C C F G

Just use this new app:
This App Will Change The Way You Listen To Music

SpiderHyphenMan
Apr 1, 2010

by Fluffdaddy
The best part is that the "Advice column" format had been a regularly recurring thing since the paper's very beginning. After this one they retired the bit for a solid three years.

Cumslut1895
Feb 18, 2015

by FactsAreUseless
Keeping Our Childhoods Alive: These Heroic Doctors Have Been Sustaining The Pig From ‘Babe’ On Life Support For 18 Years

"The heroic doctors in charge of keeping this important part of our childhoods alive have achieved truly miraculous results. While the average pig’s lifespan is only eight years, Tugboat has now been with us for more than two decades, and medical experts suspect they will be able to keep him alive for at least another 30 years! Awesome."

Evil Mastermind
Apr 28, 2008

HackensackBackpack
Aug 20, 2007

Who needs a house out in Hackensack? Is that all you get for your money?

I love Kelly.

Greatbacon
Apr 9, 2012

by Pragmatica
http://www.clickhole.com/article/living-past-some-countries-are-still-using-metric--1924

:911:

Gynocentric Regime
Jun 9, 2010

by Cyrano4747

Unironically correct :patriot:

vvv Exactly, I'll give up quarts, gallons, bushels and the rest, but F is a better human scale measuremnent than C.

Gynocentric Regime has a new favorite as of 00:53 on Feb 24, 2015

twerking on the railroad
Jun 23, 2007

Get on my level

Hasters posted:

Unironically correct :patriot:

I posted the thing below in part hoping to start a fight between my American and European friends. Instead everyone seems to like it...

http://isomorphism.es/post/3767526267/fahrenheit-versus-celsius

Dr_Amazing
Apr 15, 2006

It's a long story

Skeesix posted:

I posted the thing below in part hoping to start a fight between my American and European friends. Instead everyone seems to like it...

http://isomorphism.es/post/3767526267/fahrenheit-versus-celsius

Oh no they're wasting the digits!!

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007

It's okay if you have any questions.


Person Who Clearly Hasn’t Seen ‘The Fifth Element’ Arguing There No Good Roles For Women

captain innocuous
Apr 7, 2009

quote:

The most glaring example of his autocratic extremism is the executive amnesty he has unilaterally bestowed upon millions of illegal aliens living illegally in the U.S. Many of these illegals are also illegally working illegal jobs here, too.
McConnell, the Senate Yoda, bows to lawless Obama

Softface
Feb 16, 2011

Some things can't be unseen
Did ‘Sesame Street’ Go Too Far Yesterday When Big Bird Ate An American Flag?

This is goddamn amazing.

Fellatio del Toro
Mar 21, 2009

Racists will hate this video!

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007

It's okay if you have any questions.


Don’t Think Women Can Be Beautiful? These Photos Will Convince You Otherwise

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The MSJ
May 17, 2010

Are you a good American?

http://www.clickhole.com/quiz/are-you-good-american-1956

I'm not, apparently. :smith:

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