KiddieGrinder posted:

Yay for meaningless patronizing gestures of goodwill! I know my self-esteem and happiness would increase if I saw some maniac driving by smiling and waving at me. My crippling depression and self loathing would virtually vanish in an instant because some random jerk-off who doesn't know anything about me waved at me.

I wouldn't think he was insane, or being sarcastic and making fun of me, or just really weird, or even waving to someone else I didn't notice! Nope, not at all! Thanks driving-around-wavy-guy!

quote:

I’ll get straight to the point.

Short version:

I’ve been “bought off” by my parents. They told me I am no longer welcome to live with them, and I guess in some sort of twisted way of not feeling bad about it, they are giving me $250,000 to not contact them ever again.

I don’t know anything about investments, and I’m unemployed (but actively looking for a job, I have an economics degree from a decent university) and I want to know how to best manage that money so I don’t lose it and I get some return on it for the future.

Long version:

Growing up I was always somewhat the “lost cause” since my brother was better than me at everything. It doesn’t mean I did bad, I was just a little above average while he was always the best at everything; academia, sports, social life, you name it. I don’t know why but my parents seemed to always be ashamed of me. I didn’t get into trouble, I was a quiet kid, I did what I had to do and I tried not to get in anyone’s way. The comparisons were always there though, I don’t even know why but that’s the way it is. I don’t understand why anyone would want to do that, I used to blame myself for it when I was younger but I know it’s not my fault now. Almost 3 years ago my brother was in an accident and after being in a coma for 27 days he passed away. Things didn’t get any better after this, and if anything, the comparisons only increased. I never wanted to cause any trouble but I just couldn’t take it anymore and eventually I couldn’t put up with the abuse any longer. I didn’t do anything radical, I just started talking back and standing up for myself. I had moved away for college and the problems eased up a bit while I was away, but I had to come back home to look for a job last year when I finished college because (ironically) I didn’t want to ask for any money. I’ve been looking for a job for months, without much luck. I’ve been to interviews, assessment centers and what not, but I haven’t managed to get a job yet. Last week my parents told me I have a month to move out and not contact them again.

Lblitzer posted:

More reddit

Non Serviam posted:

My parents hate me so much that they gave me a quarter of a million dollars to leave them.
Oh reddit what can I do?

codespace posted:

Best part about him soliciting financial advice for his quarter million? He has an economics degree.

FrozenVent posted:

Economics =/= finance, they're two related but completely different things. That's like saying "I don't get why this guy takes his car to the mechanic, he's an engineer."

quote:

This actually happened a week or so ago but I didn't get the idea to post on here until I relayed to a friend of mine. So here's my gently caress up.

I'm 19 years old, normal dude, think about sex about 10 times a day, and every guy that is or was a teenager knows that one of the biggest triumphs that we dream to one day pull off, is to you know, tame the rare and mysterious cougar.

So its just a normal night out with the lads, drinks were had, poo poo was spoken. We took turns shouting rounds and as it was my turn to step up, a woman comes out of know where and starts chatting to me. She was very good-looking, one of those type that you could tell was in her 40s but didn't look it (if that makes any sense). We started talking, she had ended up alone and then just decided to get a drink whilst she waited for her sisters. I spun my usual poo poo of being a professional athlete who was transferred to the city, with money to burn and huge house. The usual poo poo one talks to try and get laid and whilst I'm no ladies man by any means, I could tell from the get-go that she was dead keen. So anyway, we continued talking, and out of no where she asks if I am paying for taxi, or is she. I knew it was game-on. Suddenly I was 6 year-old me waking up on Christmas day to find not only had Santa bought me the PlayStation 1 I asked for, but he chucked in Crash Team Racing whilst he was at it. All my dreams had spiralled to this one point. I was going to sleep with a cougar.

So we get back to her hotel room and long-story short, dreams CAME true (lol). I ended up staying till early in the morning when I get a text from my mother saying to get home by lunch-time as the family is going to a BBQ. Standard from mum, I have obligations as part of the family show up to these events. So I get home and try get ready for this BBQ still hung over and tired from the previous nights exploits. We head out to the BBQ. Everyone's smiles and laughter, and who the gently caress do I spot saying hello to my mother.

You guessed it.

Turns out she's a friend of my mums who was visiting from out of town with her sisters. Now my mum is one of the mums who when she is with her friends telling stories about her sons, she does so in the most embarrassing way possible. So basically the next couple hours was her telling stories about 19 year-old son who isn't a millionaire, professional athlete that still lives at home.

TL;DR Went home with a cougar. Turned to be my mums good friend who I saw the next day at a family BBQ.

Some oval office posted:

She and I were out at lunch when she told me a story about her Saturday night.

She and some friends were out celebrating at a local bar. While she was at the bar getting a drink, some skeezy guy approached her and asked for her number. When she said no, he upped the pressure more and more, telling her she had nice tits, she was 'perfect blowjob height' and she looked like she 'had the tightest pussy short of a 12 year old.'

By this point, I was raging. I wanted to find this piece of poo poo and turn his entrails into extrails. But it was fine. She escaped with her drinks to a table with her friends, and as the night wore on, he kept approaching them and getting more and more threatening, like being turned down made him need to show off. He said they were nerds and losers, and none of them could do poo poo if he decided to rape her. He said he said 'I could just pick you up, carry you out that door, smash up your oval office (language, kid! You can't fuckin' swear like that!), and dump her somewhere, and you couldn't stop me.' My niece is 18, 5 foot nothing, and looks like a kid.

She said "Tell you what. You pick me up and take me out of here, and you can have me." He tried to grab her, and she wrecked him, totally and utterly. Made him hurt bad, and sent him on his way.

Incidentally, the reason for the lunch and the celebration? She'd just for another black belt rank in her martial art.

So proud of my little niece!

tl;dr: ninja niece gets threatened with rape, wrecks rear end in a top hat!

EmmyOk posted:

Das Boo posted:

"This ancient, dusty condom is the last straw!"

ibntumart posted:

Kimmalah posted:

I wonder what happens if one of these mythical cougars wants to go back to his giant house?

Nth Doctor posted:

Listen baby, the house is in the shop...

EmmyOk posted:

So close to being believable if embellished when talking about the PUA before rocketing off into the STDH stratosphere

quote:

By this point, I was raging. I wanted to find this piece of poo poo and turn his entrails into extrails. But it was fine. She escaped with her drinks to a table with her friends, and as the night wore on, he kept approaching them

quote:

She said "Tell you what. You pick me up and take me out of here, and you can have me." He tried to grab her, and she wrecked him, totally and utterly. Made him hurt bad, and sent him on his way.

quote:

Incidentally, the reason for the lunch and the celebration? She'd just for another black belt rank in her martial art.

Zaphod42 posted:

And that karate instructor was Chuck Norris.

Splicer posted:

I'm also fairly sure you go up grades of black belt as you advance in a martial art, not slowly accumulating additional ones like some kind of ninja katamari.

EmmyOk posted:

So close to being believable if embellished when talking about the PUA before rocketing off into the STDH stratosphere

Zaphod42 posted:

What? I don't even understand this.

"I was going to obliterate him I was so angry..... but it was okay. Then a bit later, it wasn't actually okay...." It just... doesn't even make sense.

Zaphod42 posted:

"I was going to obliterate him I was so angry..... but it was okay. Then a bit later, it wasn't actually okay...." It just... doesn't even make sense

Kimmalah posted:

I think they're just saying the guy was pissing them off while they were at the bar getting drinks, then they got away from him by going to their table and later he came to the table which pissed them off again. I'm not sure what's hard to understand about it?

Wizard of Smart posted:

The first person perspective narrator in this story is being told the story. She wasn't at the bar. She's mad for her friend and wants to obliterate the dude. But the friend told her she got away from the dude, so her anger waned to a simmer.

Kimmalah posted:

I'm still not sure what's unclear about it though, whatever perspective it's from they thought the situation was resolved, calmed down and then creepy dude came back.

Judge Tesla posted:

Having watched Gordon Ramsey's shows, I can believe that there are people who work in kitchens that do these sort of things but we're talking like 1 in a million here.

Murphy Brownback posted:

When customers do that to Ramsey in his tv shows, he doesn't drop what he's doing to leave the kitchen for 5-10 minutes to eat their meal, he just tells them to gently caress off and/or calls security. I'm sure there are chefs that try and imitate his over-the-top angriness, but they aren't world-class chefs and would get fired pretty much anywhere for doing anything besides apologizing and remaking the food. But really the most STDH part of it is, what were the customer and his wife doing the whole time this was happening? Standing there silently literally shaking with their jaws on the floor? I can only assume they turned red and fled the restaurant immediately after the "chef" finished executing his sick burn on the guy.

dijon du jour posted:

I think Judge Tesla was probably referring to more the chefs in Kitchen Nightmares rather than Ramsey himself.

Though that comparison puts a hilarious spin on the story because that implies that the food actually was really terrible.

Lblitzer posted:

"...then the judge let's me have my turn to plead my case. So I ask the cop, "Sir, what was the first thing you did when you pulled me over?" "Uhh, I don't know", "What you did was you checked the front of my grill before you said a word to me about why you pulled me over." "Oh yeah, I wanted to ensure I was pulling over the correct guy." So immediately I comeback saying, "Sir, you had doubt so I should not be accused of this and this should be thrown out." The cop just looked at me blankly and some young guys in the back started cheering and getting loud, the judge threatened to have them kicked out."

lol

Lblitzer posted:

He said too that he just got the fine cut in half so it basically wasn't worth it to him to even fight it.

ibntumart posted:

Wait, what? Going to court over the traffic ticket is literally the definition of fighting it.