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General Battuta
Feb 7, 2011

This is how you communicate with a fellow intelligence: you hurt it, you keep on hurting it, until you can distinguish the posts from the screams.

ravenkult posted:

Don't worry, it's only gonna be a couple of days, tops.

Unless they like it and bring it in for serious consideration!

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docbeard
Jul 19, 2011

newtestleper posted:

I don't think this is necessarily fair. It is possible to have a retelling of a story that remains stylistically faithful to the source while significantly differing in plot. I don't think you should listen to people telling you that this is a bad idea, especially if it's a thunderdome entry.

Some of my worst entries have been stories where I stepped outside my comfort zone, and while they were abysmal things I learned a huge amount from them. I have also stepped outside my comfort zone and written things I was happy with and learned from that, too.

I think you should try it out, cast a harshly critical eye over it, get feedback, and consider whether it was a worthy endeavour. If anything I would be more worried about making sure your portrayal of cultures/classes you're not part of is sensitive.

To get even more general than this, "but I might gently caress it up and it might be horrible" is never a good reason not to write something.

HIJK
Nov 25, 2012
in the room where you sleep

newtestleper posted:

I don't think this is necessarily fair. It is possible to have a retelling of a story that remains stylistically faithful to the source while significantly differing in plot. I don't think you should listen to people telling you that this is a bad idea, especially if it's a thunderdome entry.

Some of my worst entries have been stories where I stepped outside my comfort zone, and while they were abysmal things I learned a huge amount from them. I have also stepped outside my comfort zone and written things I was happy with and learned from that, too.

I think you should try it out, cast a harshly critical eye over it, get feedback, and consider whether it was a worthy endeavour. If anything I would be more worried about making sure your portrayal of cultures/classes you're not part of is sensitive.

The actual story pitch he made sounds interesting and there's nothing wrong if he wants to write it. Hell, I'd read it. But if he wants to do Beowulf then he should just do Beowulf instead of making noises about "keeping the underlying story structure" when the underlying story structure of Beowulf is as common as dirt, and used in many stories that we consume today, fantasy or not.

ravenkult
Feb 3, 2011


General Battuta posted:

Unless they like it and bring it in for serious consideration!

haha

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.

HIJK posted:

So you would in fact not be retelling Beowulf at all since you're now excising the most valuable elements of Beowulf that separates the poem from other literature. You would in fact be rehashing The Legend of Zelda. Complete with wise men.

Considering how much money it made Nintendo I've seen worse ideas. :v: No, I'm not going to do this. Videogame plots only work in videogames.

Look, I'm a crappy writer, and the only way I'm going to get better will be to read more and write outside what I'm familiar with.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









Screaming Idiot posted:

Considering how much money it made Nintendo I've seen worse ideas. :v: No, I'm not going to do this. Videogame plots only work in videogames.

Look, I'm a crappy writer, and the only way I'm going to get better will be to read more and write outside what I'm familiar with.

You're fine, actually, and you've toned down the cheerily sweaty defensiveness so that's good too. It's a fine premise, so write the story and worry about whether it's offensive, or, worse, dull, once you have an actual slab of words in front of you.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006
Write out your idea and if it doesn't work figure out why it doesn't work afterwards.

newtestleper
Oct 30, 2003

Why would you laugh at this without having read the story? Seems a bit mean spirited.

Good luck, Fausty! Let us know how it goes.

newtestleper fucked around with this message at 21:51 on Mar 29, 2015

ravenkult
Feb 3, 2011


newtestleper posted:

Why would you laugh at this without having read the story? Seems a bit mean spirited.

Nah, it's just really hard, even for like, top writers. I'm just joking.

Stuporstar
May 5, 2008

Where do fists come from?

docbeard posted:

To get even more general than this, "but I might gently caress it up and it might be horrible" is never a good reason not to write something.

This. Doing ridiculous poo poo: my entire creative process in a nutshell.

take the moon
Feb 13, 2011

by sebmojo
dont take my advice on anything but i think you should pay attention to the person who said to make sure its authentic. i think it would be really akward if you werent mexican-american, or havent lived in a ghetto, or both

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW
Then again, plenty of writers who've never punched another human in the face let alone fought in war have written really good war novels.

Granted, they aren't all that accurate a lot of the time, but they can still be good and at least have some degree of authenticity if the writer gets the characters right. Only people like me will whine about how they described tactics wrong or had the wrong ranks for positions, etc.

I think it can work the same way for other cultures and settings you aren't physically familiar with.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006
Martello you can't write anymore cyberpunk cuz you're not cyberpunk

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2022




This is why I refuse to ever write female characters. Or black. Or gay. Or anything other than white hetero males basically.

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.

Chairchucker posted:

This is why I refuse to ever write female characters. Or black. Or gay. Or anything other than white hetero males basically.

Thankfully, as a body-thieving parasite from another dimension I can live as any variant of human I desire. Unfortunately I've only been a white male, since that's the easiest option. The others keep getting killed or enslaved or otherwise oppressed.

I never could wrap my thought-polyp around your bizarre traditions concerning sexual apparatus and epidermal pigmentation.

take the moon
Feb 13, 2011

by sebmojo
i guess that was silly. point withdrawn.

edit: altho i think writing about a socioeconomic reality experienced by minorities is a bit different from cyberpunk which is pretty much the domain of white ppl (here i am ignorant so educate me if you wish). im just trying to underscore the point that you should prolly be careful but again what do i know

take the moon fucked around with this message at 17:05 on Mar 30, 2015

POOL IS CLOSED
Jul 14, 2011

I'm just exploding with mackerel. This is the aji wo kutta of my discontent.
Pillbug

Screaming Idiot posted:

Thankfully, as a body-thieving parasite from another dimension I can live as any variant of human I desire. Unfortunately I've only been a white male, since that's the easiest option. The others keep getting killed or enslaved or otherwise oppressed.

I never could wrap my thought-polyp around your bizarre traditions concerning sexual apparatus and epidermal pigmentation.

I'd read this trade paperback. :catstare:

ravenkult
Feb 3, 2011


Screaming Idiot posted:

Thankfully, as a body-thieving parasite from another dimension I can live as any variant of human I desire. Unfortunately I've only been a white male, since that's the easiest option. The others keep getting killed or enslaved or otherwise oppressed.

I never could wrap my thought-polyp around your bizarre traditions concerning sexual apparatus and epidermal pigmentation.

check your alien priviledge

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW

Tyrannosaurus posted:

Martello you can't write anymore cyberpunk cuz you're not cyberpunk

:(

Screaming Idiot
Nov 26, 2007

JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!

BEATS SELLING MERKINS.

ravenkult posted:

check your alien priviledge

Maybe you should stop being so jealous of me and start worrying about your bio-frame's inevitable decay, air-breather. :smug:

Also, how the hell do you people walk around with skeletons inside you? I bet it makes it really hard to squeeze into tight spaces to avoid predators.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

Screaming Idiot posted:

Maybe you should stop being so jealous of me and start worrying about your bio-frame's inevitable decay, air-breather. :smug:

Also, how the hell do you people walk around with skeletons inside you? I bet it makes it really hard to squeeze into tight spaces to avoid predators.

Hahaha, the alien doesn't know how to predator properly!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have meat creatures to consume.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









x-posted from tdome:

sebmojo posted:

so this is all very well but it's not going to get the ~novel~ written now is it. Sign up to the Long Walk over here http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3710042 and bet :10bux: that you won't gently caress up on squeezing out 4000 words worth of goony drivel this month. Threads will be monthly, me and muffin and fumblemouse are in it for a year thanks to drunken promises come join us come

note that 4k is a minimum, if you want to break your brain making GBS threads out a nano then be my guest

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart
edit: wrong thread lol

angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 06:02 on Mar 31, 2015

Liam Emsa
Aug 21, 2014

Oh, god. I think I'm falling.
Is anyone doing Camp NaNoWriMo? It starts tomorrow.

Neukoln19
Oct 27, 2005
Hey everybody, sorry to intrude. If the following post violates rules or protocol I'm very sorry.

I wrote a story. I worked very hard at it. Then I hit a point where I couldn't see anything wrong with it. I sent it out for publication thinking at the very least I'd get some good feedback.

It got published and I didn't get any feedback.

I'd like to know if any of you could take a look at it and tell me what's up.

http://www.pifmagazine.com/2015/04/a-young-persons-guide-to-the-brothers-fullam/

Thanks for your time, and again, sorry if I'm violating protocol with my post.

Neukoln19
Oct 27, 2005
Also if this is the wrong place for someone looking for feedback could you please tell me where to go?


Thanks

General Battuta
Feb 7, 2011

This is how you communicate with a fellow intelligence: you hurt it, you keep on hurting it, until you can distinguish the posts from the screams.
The dark side of short fiction is that nobody will read it except other authors who are friends with you.

Neukoln19
Oct 27, 2005

General Battuta posted:

The dark side of short fiction is that nobody will read it except other authors who are friends with you.

Good to know. Maybe I should join a writers group.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









Neukoln19 posted:

Hey everybody, sorry to intrude. If the following post violates rules or protocol I'm very sorry.

I wrote a story. I worked very hard at it. Then I hit a point where I couldn't see anything wrong with it. I sent it out for publication thinking at the very least I'd get some good feedback.

It got published and I didn't get any feedback.

I'd like to know if any of you could take a look at it and tell me what's up.

http://www.pifmagazine.com/2015/04/a-young-persons-guide-to-the-brothers-fullam/

Thanks for your time, and again, sorry if I'm violating protocol with my post.

You're fine this is the right place, stop apologising. Thunderdome is the other place for getting regular crits, probably? But read a few dozen pages of the thread before you post to pick up the style.

I'll have a look at your story, but really being published is the only feedback that actually matters.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









Holy hell. Ok. I gave up halfway through because I got tired of the error-riddled word salad but you've got a knack for the appealingly odd image. However your characters are cardboard marionettes and your situation is a tottering inverted tower of Hanoi of absurdity.

Thunderdome isn't a panacea but it's great for cleaning up prose and focusing you on story, so I prescribe a couple of months, weekly, p.r.

TheGreekOwl
Mar 1, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER
Right so, I've been writing this project for myself for some times now, I need to get some feed back.

http://pastebin.com/jtWCgQtJ

To elarorate, the project is a comic, but I have completely separted the visuals from the actual plot. I have also given myself guidelines to follow with the visuals and the comic structure that profoundly change how the story is written. First, I write the story, then I illustrate it. The guidelines themselves basically mean that I can only use pure dialogue (no flashbacks, no narration, little to no monologuing, no sound effects, no stupid editing, etc.)

So, what, this is a critique of dialogue I am looking at, you can leave the translating to visuals for the most part to me. This is an excerpt of one of the later scenes in Act 1 that fairly well captures what I am going with my dialogue. Whether or not, its self evident, if its subtle, if it gets the point across, if its ponient, and above all if its interesting, any kind of reaction or critism I accept.

Context:
"(http://i.imgur.com/HKehvAf.png map for reference) The Tagma that Polytechnous is in command of is a proxy force thats been set near the mountains of the Eastern Oroi (Upper left, mid and right), using engineering detachments to block entrance to and abandonded complex found beneath the mountains. Problem is that the mountains are right on the borders of the an enemy nation. In the plot, something manages to bypass the engineering detachments and breach into the underground abandonded complex. As a result, Polytechnous sends out communications (enacting Case Yellow) and sets up a meeting with the enemy command, Varnaskhia, whom he knows since SPOILER she was for close to a decade a slave to Polytechnous before she run away to an enemy nation a decade before this and joined their armed forces

I also pause aburbtly in the end after Polytechnous lets the find line as the ending of that scene requires a plot dump for context that will bore/confuse you if you haven't read the rest of the Act.

Finally, this is military fiction in a fantasy setting with heavy philosophy slant towards it, if this can help you in any way,

Neukoln19
Oct 27, 2005

sebmojo posted:

Holy hell. Ok. I gave up halfway through because I got tired of the error-riddled word salad but you've got a knack for the appealingly odd image. However your characters are cardboard marionettes and your situation is a tottering inverted tower of Hanoi of absurdity.

Thunderdome isn't a panacea but it's great for cleaning up prose and focusing you on story, so I prescribe a couple of months, weekly, p.r.

Thanks for the feedback. Let me tell you, of the 12 or so places I sent it to all but one rejected it. I knew there was something wrong with it.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









Neukoln19 posted:

Thanks for the feedback. Let me tell you, of the 12 or so places I sent it to all but one rejected it. I knew there was something wrong with it.

I was quite charmed by the odd cadences at the beginning, and i'm sure it's fixable, but there are loads of obvious grammatical errors even in the half that I read so maybe they just weren't very picky?

Neukoln19
Oct 27, 2005

sebmojo posted:

I was quite charmed by the odd cadences at the beginning, and i'm sure it's fixable, but there are loads of obvious grammatical errors even in the half that I read so maybe they just weren't very picky?

Probably. It's not a very big publication.

Your feedback is the only real feedback I've gotten on the story. Thank you.

I'd like to improve as a writer but I'm not in a big hurry.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









TheGreekOwl posted:

Right so, I've been writing this project for myself for some times now, I need to get some feed back.

http://pastebin.com/jtWCgQtJ

To elarorate, the project is a comic, but I have completely separted the visuals from the actual plot. I have also given myself guidelines to follow with the visuals and the comic structure that profoundly change how the story is written. First, I write the story, then I illustrate it. The guidelines themselves basically mean that I can only use pure dialogue (no flashbacks, no narration, little to no monologuing, no sound effects, no stupid editing, etc.)

So, what, this is a critique of dialogue I am looking at, you can leave the translating to visuals for the most part to me. This is an excerpt of one of the later scenes in Act 1 that fairly well captures what I am going with my dialogue. Whether or not, its self evident, if its subtle, if it gets the point across, if its ponient, and above all if its interesting, any kind of reaction or critism I accept.

Context:
"(http://i.imgur.com/HKehvAf.png map for reference) The Tagma that Polytechnous is in command of is a proxy force thats been set near the mountains of the Eastern Oroi (Upper left, mid and right), using engineering detachments to block entrance to and abandonded complex found beneath the mountains. Problem is that the mountains are right on the borders of the an enemy nation. In the plot, something manages to bypass the engineering detachments and breach into the underground abandonded complex. As a result, Polytechnous sends out communications (enacting Case Yellow) and sets up a meeting with the enemy command, Varnaskhia, whom he knows since SPOILER she was for close to a decade a slave to Polytechnous before she run away to an enemy nation a decade before this and joined their armed forces

I also pause aburbtly in the end after Polytechnous lets the find line as the ending of that scene requires a plot dump for context that will bore/confuse you if you haven't read the rest of the Act.

Finally, this is military fiction in a fantasy setting with heavy philosophy slant towards it, if this can help you in any way,

quote:

Varnaskhia: State and violence, one and the same, and before me a moaning creature, away on earth’s remotest land, unable to understand his being, much less the beings of others, feeling himself absolutely dependent on blind, hidden forces to deliver him from mischief wholesale devouring. Have I not just described you, Polytechnous.

Polytechnous: Varnaskhia, shut it, you’re treading on my wings, you’re not liberating anybody from ignorance, so stop pretending you are a goddess.

Varnaskhia: No, I am not one to even pretend to be a believer of the one “good” faith, I do not believe in god because we mortals for thousands of years due have been working to undo the botched job God left us as with.

Polytechnous: Always a cruel and ferocious being you’ve been. What good is wailing for you, and I thought of you my second heart…

Varnaskhia: Pity, Polytechne, those old pains. Nothing worthy you could have done to rivet me.

Polytechnous: I could have struck harder, and clamped you tight in your cell.

Varnaskhia: But would your social instincts tolerate it; me trying to appease you through complete surrender?

Polytechnous: Either way you’re misshapen spectacle, because of many skilled soldiers I have made plenty, but of good crafted slaves surely I have made none.

Varnaskhia: Maybe. But few things exist which are impossible; that you can craft great souls only through the individual’s subordination is one of them. Those who are free beings, free from the null and void promises made by any state or religion, being self-conscious of their own rights and freedoms, will always win hands down against a million slaves.

Polytechnous: That we savage animals can be realized into moral speculation by any means at all is a miracle,

Varnaskhia: Exactly. A slave can have all the riches of the earth subordinated, but a slave must not become conscious of herself.

Polytechnous: And on your blind soul I acted.

Varnaskhia: Yes Polytechne, you did, you made me conscious of my own self.

Polytechnous: Then I have failed to craft a good slave.

Varnaskhia: Yes, but you succeeded in making a free being.

Polytechnous: Which is not what I am to give to this world. Polytechnous the free being may cry for political freedom but Polytechnous the arm and tool of the state cannot because nature is not benevolent. There is no moral force without the conception of the state, there is no protection from the hideous existence of the world without organised obedience. But governments do not maintain themselves through harmony, they maintain themselves through force whether it is political, economic or moral, beneath of which lies the monopoly of pure force, which is to say, violence. I serve the state whose heart is hard even if its powers are old, because it is my duty to provide that violence, whether it is controlled or total, as it is that violence that protects the brittle foundations of society.

Varnaskhia shakes her head: The State, the political altar, maintained for the purpose of sacrifice to appease the powers, as with a religious altar, and just as bleak too.

*Varnaskhia shakes her head* Another meeting another failure to teach you what the new reality is, you with a body growing old and a mind still as tragic

You grieve for the self realized creature in front of you but that self realized creature would by any and all means destroy anything that attempted to breach upon her freedom, regardless if it was the hand that fed her a lifetime.

I’ve repeated the same for the last decade, in Arxa, in Cassandri, in Girlita, but regardless how many times I lead you to knowledge I cannot force you to think. You are absolutely correct, the basis of morality is duty. But duty to keeping alive any despotic tyrant, to any cruel king, to any god or state is garbage morality. No, correct morality stems from combating anything that prevents your self preservation and self-improvement, and by extension beyond the individual level to the whole nation, to do whatever seems necessary to stand up to it, up to and including dying.

Are you willing to die for that Polytechnous. A decade is enough to look back with perfect foresight on your decisions. But when you continue blindly picking flowers where thorns have grown, the day will come when you shall grieve for both yourself and your foundationless temple.

Polytechnous remains emotionless, and doesn't react: …

...

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk









Neukoln19 posted:

Probably. It's not a very big publication.

Your feedback is the only real feedback I've gotten on the story. Thank you.

I'd like to improve as a writer but I'm not in a big hurry.

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3691539

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk










To be more constructive, you have a great and intricately arranged mountain of detail, but you need to think about characters rather than mouthpieces for ideas. What would the person who is speaking your words want? what would they do to achieve that?

answer those questions and your ideas will be interesting.

Neukoln19
Oct 27, 2005

sebmojo posted:

To be more constructive, you have a great and intricately arranged mountain of detail, but you need to think about characters rather than mouthpieces for ideas. What would the person who is speaking your words want? what would they do to achieve that?

answer those questions and your ideas will be interesting.

This is a really good piece of advice. I always seem to be at a loss to make my characters more round. Do you have any other tips for doing this?

Again, thanks for your time.

ravenkult
Feb 3, 2011


Why are you writing about a gryphon

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TheGreekOwl
Mar 1, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER

ravenkult posted:

Why are you writing about gryphons

Because I want to.

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