shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Elysiume posted:

I feel like someone paying me $1 to go away doesn't qualify them as treating me like a human being.

Not to mention even a small cup of plain coffee is going to run more than a dollar. The writer basically is saying, "I subsidized part of a small coffee, they only have to beg half as long to afford one now!"

# ? Apr 26, 2015 14:40

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# ? May 27, 2024 23:17

TinFoilJoy: Oct 15, 2012

"Unmedicated schizophrenics are unable to hold down a job? Those lazy bums!"

# ? Apr 26, 2015 18:38

Turtlicious: Sep 17, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

How would they get the checks if they were homeless? Like where would they be mailed too? Who would allow them to open a bank account?

# ? Apr 27, 2015 02:15

Strudel Man: May 19, 2003; ROME DID NOT HAVE ROBOTS, FUCKWIT

Turtlicious posted:

How would they get the checks if they were homeless? Like where would they be mailed too? Who would allow them to open a bank account?

http://fms.treas.gov/godirect/social-security-federal-benefits-direct-deposit/directexpress/index.html

# ? Apr 27, 2015 04:53

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

A few weeks ago, we had our booth at a fair with a pony sweep. One of the ponies defecated. I said "Hey! Road apples!" The woman at our booth asked, "What are road apples?" :downsgun:

quote:

Not Mature About Manure
GARDEN CENTER | CANADA | CRAZY REQUESTS, RUDE & RISQUE
(I work in a store that sells gardening supplies and fertilizer. A customer calls our store.)

Me: �Hello! [Store], how may I help you today?�

Customer: �This may sound odd, but do you do� special orders?�

Me: �Yes, sir, what are you looking for exactly?�

Customer: �You see, my neighbour�s f******g kid decided to take a dump on my lawn as a prank, so I was wondering, do you� happen to make fertilizer out of human waste?�

(Thinking it was a prank, I decided to end the call.)

Me: ��No, sir. Have a good day.�

(30 seconds later, he calls back.)

Me: �Hello! [Store], how may I assist you today?�

Customer: �Hey, remember me? I wasn�t kidding about that thing.�

Me: �I am so sorry��

Customer: �Listen, you b***! I need sweet revenge on this kid! He has been bothering me FOR MONTHS! Just make that s*** fertilizer and send it to his door for a �nice� surprise. I need a good laugh.�

Me: �Sir, I do not appreciate you using a vulgar term, and NO, we will not even consider your request! Stop being an a** and don�t call back again!�

# ? Apr 27, 2015 07:24

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Khazar-khum posted:

fertilizer

Wait, the guy wanted the store to take the poo poo and make it more poo poo as revenge? What? Hunh?

# ? Apr 27, 2015 09:17

Zipperelli.: Apr 3, 2011; Nap Ghost

some dumbass posted:

I don't appreciate you using a vulgar term... Stop being an a**.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 15:14

cage-free egghead: Mar 8, 2004

quote:

Customer: �Listen, you b***!

Still trying to guess this one. Bear? Baby? Blah?

# ? Apr 27, 2015 15:25

Joey Freshwater: Jun 20, 2004; Always playing with my meat; Grimey Drawer

Lblitzer posted:

Still trying to guess this one. Bear? Baby? Blah?

Butt.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 15:29

cage-free egghead: Mar 8, 2004

MindlessHavok posted:

Butt.

Oh my heavens, watch your tone

# ? Apr 27, 2015 15:35

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

bringmyfishback posted:

Wait, the guy wanted the store to take the poo poo and make it more poo poo as revenge? What? Hunh?

He wanted the store to dump manure on the other guy's lawn because you see that's also feces so its the same thing? :v:

# ? Apr 27, 2015 16:06

SybilVimes: Oct 29, 2011

Zaphod42 posted:

He wanted the store to dump manure on the other guy's lawn because you see that's also feces so its the same thing?

To be fair 5 tons of horse poo poo is a reasonable and suitable comeback to some punk making GBS threads on your lawn.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 17:39

razorrozar: Feb 21, 2012; by Cyrano4747

SybilVimes posted:

To be fair 5 tons of horse poo poo is a reasonable and suitable comeback to some punk making GBS threads on your lawn.

Also beats the hell out of the pizza delivery prank.

# ? Apr 27, 2015 17:52

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

# ? Apr 27, 2015 20:23

Fleta Mcgurn: Oct 5, 2003; Porpoise noise continues.

Zaphod42 posted:

He wanted the store to dump manure on the other guy's lawn because you see that's also feces so its the same thing?

OH. ohhh. Thank you for translating from NAR Dumbass to Standard Dumbass.

# ? Apr 28, 2015 11:28

Desk Lamp: Jun 30, 2014

He wanted manure made from human waste to be dumped on his neighbor's lawn.

You know how all these stdh stories read like the same person wrote them all? This one reads like they just didn't want to put any effort in this week.

# ? Apr 28, 2015 13:26

Turtlicious: Sep 17, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

http://imgur.com/gallery/dDG2B

# ? Apr 28, 2015 17:01

Boris Galerkin: Dec 17, 2011; I don't understand why I can't harass people online. Seriously, somebody please explain why I shouldn't be allowed to stalk others on social media!

Turtlicious posted:

http://imgur.com/gallery/dDG2B

Assuming he's married and had sex (lol) and that the neighbor had a radio scanner and could talk back to the baby monitor how was the neighbor suppose to know that this particular couple moaning are the same couple from next door.

# ? Apr 28, 2015 17:12

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Aaah, justification edits, a staple of stdh and the shithole that is imgur.

E1: no you see, it is actually true because...
E2: Well it turns out that E1 was not incorrect because...
E3: gently caress off haters, it's totally true.

# ? Apr 28, 2015 17:15

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

E4: Okay, I forgot to mention that my wife and I are actually pelicans. Hope that clears everything for you.

# ? Apr 28, 2015 17:26

Nolan Arenado: May 8, 2009

Boris Galerkin posted:

Assuming he's married and had sex (lol) and that the neighbor had a radio scanner and could talk back to the baby monitor how was the neighbor suppose to know that this particular couple moaning are the same couple from next door.

Perhaps he often stands outside their window and listens to them having sex, so he knows what it usually sounds like?!

# ? Apr 28, 2015 18:26

SybilVimes: Oct 29, 2011

Boris Galerkin posted:

Assuming he's married and had sex (lol) and that the neighbor had a radio scanner and could talk back to the baby monitor how was the neighbor suppose to know that this particular couple moaning are the same couple from next door.

Because those things have a poo poo range, and his neighbours just had a newborn kid.

I don't applaud our neighbour because it'd be rude to interrupt the 20 seconds of fun he gets every few months.

# ? Apr 29, 2015 03:51

Rudager: Apr 29, 2008

Turtlicious posted:

http://imgur.com/gallery/dDG2B

quote:

Edit 2: I assumed the neighbours had a baby intercom because they have a 2yo. It wasn't their baby Intercom. Apparently my neighbours has some kind of radio scanner which can be used to talk back (27mc?)It picked up our baby intercom and he decided to have laugh. He brought me some beer to apologise... I think his wife made him do that

Gosh guys, this is normal and not a totally weird and creepy sounding thing I had to pull out of my arse to cover up my lies, shutup already!

# ? Apr 29, 2015 05:37

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

quote:

Parents Have Blind Faith
HIGH SCHOOL | OH, USA | CHEATERS, PARENTS, RELIGION, THEME OF THE MONTH
(My mother is a high school chemistry teacher. While observing her students settling in at the start of the period, she watches one student [who happens to be Christian] pass her completed homework to another student. Per the school�s academic code, my mother collects the homework, gives both students a zero on the assignment for cheating, and reports the cheating to both sets of parents and the office. The mother of the Christian student meets with my mother regarding the incident.)

Mother: �I can�t believe you are accusing my daughter of cheating! She would never do something like that!�

Teacher: �I watched her do it.�

Mother: �My daughter is a good Christian girl; she would never cheat!�

Teacher: �I watched her do it.�

Mother: �My daughter is a good Christian girl! She goes to church every Sunday and Bible study every Wednesday and says her prayers every day!�

Teacher: �I watched her cheat.�

Mother: �I think we should pray over this and see what God wants us to do.�

Teacher: �I watched her cheat. I will not be praying with you.�

Mother: �What are you going to do about this? My good Christian girl can�t have this kind of academic record.�

Teacher: �I have done all that I am going to do. I watched her cheat and I took appropriate action as required by the school�s academic code.�

Mother: �I will have you reported to the principal!� *stalks off ranting about how her �good Christian girl� would never cheat*

(It never seemed to occur to the mother that her daughter�s religious observances had no bearing on the situation; she allowed another student to copy her work, which is cheating. Unfortunately, this was just one of many parents who tried to use their religion as �proof� that their children were good, didn�t do it, and should be given another chance.)

# ? Apr 29, 2015 08:30

Bobby Digital: Sep 4, 2009

Khazar-khum posted:

Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age, but from what I hear from my teacher friends this one isn't unrealistic.

# ? Apr 29, 2015 08:33

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Bobby Digital posted:

Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age, but from what I hear from my teacher friends this one isn't unrealistic.

Yeah, this is my experience too. You get tonnes of "But my child is an angel at home! They would never cheat/punch another kid/punch a teacher/punch a computer/punch a dog/etc" incidents, and they just get an extra level of crazy when the parents are fundies of one type or another.

# ? Apr 29, 2015 08:39

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

Along with the old standard "I don't see why you think my grade 5 kid is reading at a grade 1 level, look at this essay they just wrote at home *produces an essay in the parent's handwriting*"

# ? Apr 29, 2015 08:40

Nth Doctor: Sep 7, 2010; Darkrai used Dream Eater!
It's super effective!

Khazar-khum posted:

Thank you, child-of-teacher, for explaining to me what cheating is. I had no idea that it included letting someone copy one's work.

# ? Apr 29, 2015 14:16

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Once I would have laughed along with you, but ever since my wife started teaching, I now have no doubt that a student would need to have every possible permutation of cheating explained to him or her. And we're talking college students here.

# ? Apr 29, 2015 16:26

razorrozar: Feb 21, 2012; by Cyrano4747

ibntumart posted:

Once I would have laughed along with you, but ever since my wife started teaching, I now have no doubt that a student would need to have every possible permutation of cheating explained to him or her. And we're talking college students here.

My school had a plagiarism/cheating unit in the mandatory "College for Dumbshit Freshmen" course.

# ? Apr 29, 2015 16:37

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

razorrozar posted:

My school had a plagiarism/cheating unit in the mandatory "College for Dumbshit Freshmen" course.

I'm pretty sure hers does, too, but that doesn't mean she doesn't clarify it on the syllabus and in class, yet still have to send a couple of emails explaining cheating or plagiarism every semester.

# ? Apr 29, 2015 16:58

razorrozar: Feb 21, 2012; by Cyrano4747

ibntumart posted:

I'm pretty sure hers does, too, but that doesn't mean she doesn't clarify it on the syllabus and in class, yet still have to send a couple of emails explaining cheating or plagiarism every semester.

I'm not saying it worked. :v:

# ? Apr 29, 2015 17:01

CrotchDropJeans: Jan 4, 2015

I used to serve as faculty/admin liaison to our school's Honor Council and I had a student come in who was accused of copying off another student's paper during a test. It was pretty airtight--the TA saw it, and both students had identical wrong answers that weren't given by anyone else in the room--so we found her guilty and let her know she had a chance to appeal. She did, and her defense was that she had moved here from Belgium in high school and that in Belgium looking at someone else's paper and copying their answers isn't cheating. It was beautiful.

# ? Apr 29, 2015 17:59

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

quote:

I'm a Psychopath.

It's not what you think....And I think most Psychopaths would agree.

I first realized I was different when a close family friend passed away when I was a child. My family was mourning, but I didn't feel anything. This was the one and only time my family suspected there was something wrong with me.

Next sign, was my desire to spend time with animals.

I LOVE animals. Love, fortunately, is an emotion I feel strong sometimes. I was 11 when I received my first bb gun. I went "hunting" in the forest for small animals. I came upon a chipmunk. I zeroed in on him, took my shot, and it died. It was the first time I felt sorrow, regret, frusteration, and respect. I realized that I cared about animals, and that I would never hurt one.

A few years passed without incident.

I took my first trip to New York City. I walked into the wrong neighborhood, and someone pulled a gun on me.

I felt nothing. No fear, anxiety, stress...nothing. I gave the guy my wallet and went on with my day.

This was when I realized that I don't register consequences. Since this moment, I've learned to think about my actions before conducting something that may compromise my identity (reacting to events that would cause an emotional reaction).

Few more years passed, and I killed someone.

It's not what you think. I enlisted in the Marine Corps, and became an artilleryman. On my first deployment to Iraq, we came under fire (this is one of those moments when lack of registering consequences really benefited me).

My lack of emotion allowed me to lay down precision fire during my time in combat. I killed 27 people between my three deployments to Iraq and afghanistan. Unfortunately, that doesn't include victims to artillery fire I rained down upon the Taliban.

I felt nothing when I killed those people, but that's not a bad thing.

I felt no remorse when I took those lives. Fortunately, I also felt no desire to kill again. Many people perceive psychopaths as serial killers. While many psychopaths ARE serial killers, there's a big difference between the two.

A few more years pass, and I married.

That's right, I got married. I met a beautiful woman that has no idea I'm a psychopath. She loves me, and I sincerely care about her too. I'm not sure if I'd call it love, it's not like the emotions I feel towards animals, but I'd die for her if necessary.

A month ago, we had our first child.

The love I felt for animals, the same I feel for my daughter. It's nice to feel that towards a person.

Anyway, I thought I'd share my story, in case there are any other people that "suffer" the same as I do. You're not alone.

# ? Apr 29, 2015 23:21

Sentient Data: Aug 31, 2011; My molecule scrambler ray will disintegrate your armor with one blow!

Sounds like someone just took an intro to psychology course, maybe next we'll get a story about how somebody's headmate screamed and disappeared into the aether after accidentally reading that schizophrenia isn't what they think and that DID has basically been disproven

# ? Apr 29, 2015 23:48

Joey Freshwater: Jun 20, 2004; Always playing with my meat; Grimey Drawer

Sounds like someone saw Lucky Number Slevin and wanted to be a special snowflake too.

# ? Apr 30, 2015 00:56

Stroop There It Is: Mar 11, 2012

No, no, this is 100% Dexter brand "psychopathy".

# ? Apr 30, 2015 03:31

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

quote:

Genetically Modified Turkey
DELI | MI, USA | FOOD & DRINK, FUNNY NAMES, GEEKS RULE
Customer: �Hi, yes, could I please have a pound of mystique turkey please?�

Me: *not quite catching what they said* �I�m sorry, did you say mesquite turkey?�

Customer: �Yes, mystique turkey!�

Me: �Actually, it�s mesquite smoked turkey, Mystique is a character in X-Men.�

Customer: �Yeah, yeah, just get me some mystique turkey, please.�

Me: �Mystique turkey coming right up! And I�ll change it blue for you, too!�

# ? Apr 30, 2015 07:44

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

My customer made an honest mistake mispronouncing a word. Time to belittle him.

# ? Apr 30, 2015 07:59

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# ? May 27, 2024 23:17

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

poo poo That Did Happen posted:

Genetically Modified Turkey
DELI | MI, USA | FOOD & DRINK, FUNNY NAMES, GEEKS RULE
Customer: �Hi, yes, could I please have a pound of mystique turkey please?�

Me: *not quite catching what they said* �I�m sorry, did you say mesquite turkey?�

Customer: �Yes, mystique turkey!�

Me: �Actually, it�s mesquite smoked turkey, Mystique is a character in X-Men.�

Customer: "Stop being a patronising b*** and get my order."

Me: "Yes [Customer's Name]."

# ? Apr 30, 2015 09:21

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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