shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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ThatPazuzu: Sep 8, 2011; I'm so depressed, I can't even blink.

If you think girls are sexy, you're actually gay.

# ? May 3, 2015 21:30

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# ? May 27, 2024 14:47

Decrepus: May 21, 2008; In the end, his dominion did not touch a single poster.

You called me an rear end in a top hat? Well a hole is not a physical thing so you didn't call me anything. :smuggo:

# ? May 3, 2015 21:35

Roro: Oct 9, 2012; HOO'S HEAD GOES ALL THE WAY AROUND?

ibntumart posted:

shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: Obviously, this child needed to re-read Sun Tzu.

# ? May 3, 2015 21:57

Loren1350: Mar 30, 2007

System Metternich posted:

lol that's got to be the weakest burn I've ever heard.

It's not even a burn, it's a "caused an awkward flirting attempt to become even more awkward then they realized my brain was broken."

# ? May 3, 2015 22:36

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

System Metternich posted:

lol that's got to be the weakest burn I've ever heard.

It's like those convoluted comebacks kids make up to say to each other on the playground that just make you more likely to get picked on

# ? May 3, 2015 23:24

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

ThatPazuzu posted:

If you think girls are sexy, you're actually gay.

Half gay.

# ? May 3, 2015 23:25

SneezeOfTheDecade: Feb 6, 2011; gettin' covid all
over your posts

Shintaro posted:

It's not even a burn, it's a "caused an awkward flirting attempt to become even more awkward then they realized my brain was broken."

If you think staring at a girl's legs and muttering "sexy" is a flirting attempt, I may have some advice about why you're single.

# ? May 3, 2015 23:26

Sentient Data: Aug 31, 2011; My molecule scrambler ray will disintegrate your armor with one blow!

We both know that it really depends on how attractive the mutteter is. A typical goon doing it is creepy, but of course it was actually charming when [popular movie star] walked into the [chain gourmet coffee house] that I'm a [job position] at and [romantic social interaction] me

# ? May 3, 2015 23:49

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Besesoth posted:

If you think staring at a girl's legs and muttering "sexy" is a flirting attempt, I may have some advice about why you're single.

They did say "awkward attempt at," not "understandable and possibly successful maneuver"

# ? May 3, 2015 23:53

Jollity Farm: Apr 23, 2010

Amanda Platell at the Daily Mail has met some real voters

quote:

A reader stopped me in the street this week. �I�m frightened,� she said, grabbing hold of my arm, �of what will happen to my children and grandchildren if Ed Miliband wins.�

I assumed this middle-aged lady was a true blue Tory, but she wasn�t. She explained that she was one of the 40 per cent of people who had been undecided, but was now certain that what matters most at this election is the future health of our economy, and she really did fear that in Miliband�s hands it would be wrecked � again.

Most of my girlfriends, their mums and grandmothers, share the same fear. They�re not interested in tribal politics, they�re just sensible women who put their families and their children�s future first.

# ? May 3, 2015 23:55

Weatherman: Jul 30, 2003; WARBLEKLONK

Besesoth posted:

If you think staring at a girl's legs and muttering "sexy" is a flirting attempt, I may have some advice about why you're single.

beep boop flirting? does not parse, error 10010101

# ? May 4, 2015 00:35

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Weatherman posted:

beep boop flirting? does not parse, error 10010101

beep beep boop flirt failed boop replace fedora

quote:

Holy Awesome Girlfriend!
HOME | BALL, LA, USA | DATING
(I�m visiting my boyfriend and a friend that I had never met comes to visit. I�m a shy person so I don�t say much to him. We�re watching The Simpsons and a character is watching a parody episode of the old Batman show.)

Me: *grinning* �Batman! That show was so awful but funny.�

Boyfriend:� You know that�s the original Batman, right?�

Me: *confused* �What?�

Boyfriend: �That�s the original Batman voicing him in the show. It�s Adam West.�

Me: �Oh! I knew that! At first I thought you meant that it was the original Batman cartoon!�

Boyfriend: *shakes his head* �No, I know it isn�t. But Adam West has done quite a bit of voice work. He�s the mayor in Family Guy��

Me: �Yeah, Mayor Adam West. He�s also the voice of the young Mermaid Man in Spongebob and Catman in Fairly OddParents, both of those characters being parodies of Batman. He�s also in a commercial for something or other.�

Boyfriend: *nods* �Lending Tree.�

(His friend is now looking from me to my boyfriend, obviously trying not to stare.)

Boyfriend: *shrugs* �Yeah, I found one as weird and nerdy as I am.�

Friend: �Keep. Her.�

# ? May 4, 2015 09:51

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

The most boring couple.

# ? May 4, 2015 10:30

System Metternich: Feb 28, 2010; But what did he mean by that?

My definition of "sexy":

staring at a woman's legs and muttering to myself
reciting the entries of a Wikipedia article's trivia subsection

# ? May 4, 2015 10:58

Paladinus: Jan 11, 2014; heyHEYYYY!!!

Khazar-khum posted:

Friend: �Keep. Her.�

Away. From. Me.

# ? May 4, 2015 11:06

Buh: May 17, 2008

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sO08omE7SA
This ad played before the new Avengers movie in Australia. It invokes imagery of a war that's having a centenary, then uses that to sell a lovely local beer.
I was exhausted and had no filter so I yelled 'oh gently caress off!' as the beer logo appeared.
Apparently my sentiment was not unique as a number of people actually did laugh, cheer or applaud. It lasted two seconds and was not the highlight of my week, but it happened.
I had a stdh moment irl and I don't know how to feel.

# ? May 4, 2015 13:10

Weatherman: Jul 30, 2003; WARBLEKLONK

Buh posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sO08omE7SA
This ad played before the new Avengers movie in Australia. It invokes imagery of a war that's having a centenary, then uses that to sell a lovely local beer.
I was exhausted and had no filter so I yelled 'oh gently caress off!' as the beer logo appeared.
Apparently my sentiment was not unique as a number of people actually did laugh, cheer or applaud. It lasted two seconds and was not the highlight of my week, but it happened.
I had a stdh moment irl and I don't know how to feel.

# ? May 4, 2015 13:21

Thump!: Nov 25, 2007; Look, fat, here's the fact, Kulak!

Buh posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sO08omE7SA
This ad played before the new Avengers movie in Australia. It invokes imagery of a war that's having a centenary, then uses that to sell a lovely local beer.
I was exhausted and had no filter so I yelled 'oh gently caress off!' as the beer logo appeared.
Apparently my sentiment was not unique as a number of people actually did laugh, cheer or applaud. It lasted two seconds and was not the highlight of my week, but it happened.
I had a stdh moment irl and I don't know how to feel.

Huh, I didn't know you were Australian Mr. Einstein.

# ? May 4, 2015 14:29

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

we, the perfect couple, are united by our refusal to consume any media that is not animated and mostly for children and totally have a friend who was hanging out with us

# ? May 4, 2015 16:04

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

we, the perfect couple, are united by our refusal to consume any media that is not animated and mostly for children and totally have a friend who was hanging out with us

The friend was a headmate in the shared system that proves their love?

# ? May 4, 2015 17:39

Themata: Dec 10, 2011; If you want a pizza this pie
You can crust that
I won't cheese on you
Dance on the groove flour
And I'll give you a disco-unt

My friend linked me this:

http://imgur.com/gallery/ZgufJ

Text dump minus macros:

quote:

Background:

In 2004, I used Kazaa to download movies, music, and porn. Lots of porn. I would then burn movies or porn to DVD and sell it for $8/disc. I was pulling in about $200/week doing this. One day, I had my apartment broken into and all of my gear stolen.

Police recovered it pretty quickly and said they needed to scan my computer. I agreed (I didn't know poo poo about the law back then). A few days later, the detective in charge of my case called me in and said that they had found some suspicious files on my computer.

It turns out that among the 30 gigs of porn I had on my drives, there were 8 suspicious images. More than likely they were in a batch download that I had done and hadn't sorted through yet. I asked if I should get a lawyer, and the detective said that was probably the best thing.

I was charged with 8 counts of possession of child pornography.

*edit* I'm a moron, and thought ten years ago was 1994. This is what too much coffee does kids. Stay away from the drugs.
I had always been taught to trust the law. That it was there to protect you. So, I got a lawyer and followed his advice. He told me (this was 2005) that the DA would drop all of the charges but one if I plead guilty. I told him that I had no idea that stuff was on my computer, and he said it didn't matter. This deal would get me three years of probation and I would have to register on the Megan's List as a sex offender, but it was no big deal. It was just a list that the cops kept.

I was worried about my job (I was a manager at a bank) and the lawyer said that my job would never have to know. The probation officers wouldn't visit my job, they had other things to do.

I agreed to the terms of the plea bargain, and got a verbal agreement from my lawyer that I would be allowed to have internet at home for work purposes.

Probation came to my job and talked loudly about my charges. I got fired. They then came to my home as I was looking for a new job online, and because I had internet, they revoked my probation and I was sent to prison.
The three years I spent in prison were...hell. When I was in the classification prison, once it became known that I was in there for a sex crime, my life became hell. The day shift would keep my cell locked during meals and record that I had refused my breakfast and lunch. Often, the only meal I would get was dinner. This lasted three months.

When I got to my home prison, I quickly learned to fight. I was in the hospital three times. Twice for being stabbed and once for being pushed off of a second tier balcony when I wasn't paying attention. I caught myself and spun upright. When I landed, I was able to partially roll and only got a compound fracture of the ulna and radius of my left arm
We got divorced for reasons (that she says) are unrelated to my conviction. She says that I am a good father, and she allows me to spend all day with my son. When she gets home, I go to the basement and stay there until she leaves for work in the morning. On weekends, I pretty much stay in the basement.
I was able to get a job at a local Pizza Hut and was told I was an outstanding worker. Two weeks later after the background check came back, I was fired. My conviction was outside of the time period asked on the application, but the district manager said that they couldn't afford to have anyone on Megan's List working in their restaurants. After I was off the list, they would definitely rehire me, however.
This cracked me up. I want to work. I have skills. But nobody will hire me.
This is the worst. I'm a naturally outgoing person. But I have to watch myself every minute of every day. Not for me, but because of my son. I don't want him to become the kid whose dad is "that guy."
I said that I was really too busy, but that if I got some free time, I'd be happy to help. This was a lie, of course.
I was looking forward to this year. Things were going to turn around. I would be off of the list, I could get a job in my old field, and maybe start helping out as a coach.

Then SORNA came along, and as a requirement, my registration period was extended from 10 years to 15 years. So, I have five more years to go, but they could extend it again.
A post ex-facto clause is a clause in every constitution that says that punishments cannot be handed down retroactively. That if you were convicted of a crime yesterday that was a misdemeanor, but today it is a felony, you are still only guilty of a misdemeanor. This is to protect the average citizen from being held in prison indefinitely.

Megan's Law is not a punitive measure. That's what every law says. But I'm sorry. When you are denied employment solely based on that list, when you cannot live in a certain area because of it, it is no longer administrative. It becomes punitive.
There is no country that will grant you a work visa if you are currently on Megan's List. At least, none that I've found.
I'm afraid for the safety of myself and my son. When I first got out of prison, and I changed my registered address to my (then) wife's house, the first month there were three broken windows and several eggings.

Some other background: I did not know the child porn was on my computer. I had to take a polygraph as part of my plea bargain to show that I had no knowledge of the child porn on my computer. I passed that. I had to take it again when I was being classified in prison. I passed that one as well. Polygraphs are junk science, so take that as you will.

I make money by working online. Nobody knows who you are online, and most people pay directly through paypal without bothering with social security deductions or anything else. I also donate plasma, which nets me about $200/month. Total, I have learned to live on $400/month and $100 in foodstamps. I give my ex wife 200/month for bills, and I wish I could give her more. I also use my foodstamps to buy staples for the house.

There are times when I've thought about how easy it would be to rob a bank. But I don't because I would miss my son growing up. Megan's Law is a good law, but it isn't the right law. I am a Tier I offender, meaning that I only have to register once a year and tell them that I'm still living in the same place.

There are no easy answers. I'm not a lawyer and I'm certainly not qualified to say how it should be. But there are a lot of us who got the raw end of the stick when it came to these retroactive changes. If I knew then what I know now, i would have never taken that plea agreement. But hindsight is 20/20, right?

Thanks for listening imgur.

I know I'm not supposed to make front page edits, but you guys are right. Don't have the gun anymore. I suppose a baseball bat and K-Bar will do if I need then.

tl;dr: Self-fellating bank manager makes money downloading torrents of porn off Kazaa and selling them as $8 CDs, police find 'a few suspicious child porn images' and he gets probation and goes to jail where he learns to barrel roll off balconies. Reddit-lite gives this brave Pizza Hut superstar upboats.

# ? May 5, 2015 05:29

Douk Douk: Mar 17, 2009; Take your pervert war elsewhere.

I can't tell you how badly I need an add-on for my browser that disables Imgur's loving horrid trending garbage. What a rancid hugbox.

# ? May 5, 2015 05:40

Themata: Dec 10, 2011; If you want a pizza this pie
You can crust that
I won't cheese on you
Dance on the groove flour
And I'll give you a disco-unt

MONKET posted:

I can't tell you how badly I need an add-on for my browser that disables Imgur's loving horrid trending garbage. What a rancid hugbox.

A workaround is to create a user account, keep it logged in and have your bookmarked imgur link go to http://imgur.com/filtered/viral

Without being logged in though, the link will just redirect you to what's ~trending~

# ? May 5, 2015 05:53

Pidmon: Mar 18, 2009; NO ONE risks painful injury on your GREEN SLIME GHOST POGO RIDE.

No one but YOU.

Trans haters are so cisparent.

# ? May 5, 2015 06:03

Douk Douk: Mar 17, 2009; Take your pervert war elsewhere.

Themata posted:

A workaround is to create a user account, keep it logged in and have your bookmarked imgur link go to http://imgur.com/filtered/viral

Without being logged in though, the link will just redirect you to what's ~trending~

You're a godsend. Now I know how it feels like when deaf people hear for the first time.

Pidmon posted:

Trans haters are so cisparent.

ah yes, the Transmobile Squad, terrible pillagers they be

# ? May 5, 2015 06:34

ErKeL: Jun 18, 2013

Besesoth posted:

Oh man, are you in for a treat. http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3470495

Jesus christ. I've barely scratched the surface of this train wreck of a thread and all I can say is I hope it fits in here as STDH.

# ? May 5, 2015 07:23

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Pidmon posted:

Trans haters are so cisparent.

Is he saying they were attacked for being cis? How the hell would people in a bus know? Did they just cruise around until they saw a cis couple, demand the bus stop, then pile out in Rottweiler formation? Did they hire a bus just so they could attack random cis people without having their license plates checked? Were any fedoras or katanas hurt in the melee?

# ? May 5, 2015 07:54

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

Anyone had that story pop up on their facebook about the kid borrowing $50 dollars from his dad? I'm on my works computer, so can't copy paste it to capture the full "poo poo that didn't happen" feel to it, but it's basically;

Kid asks his Da how much he earns an hour.
Dad gets pissy about such a personal question, but tell the kid he makes one hundred bucks an hour.
Kid then asks to borrow 50.
Da gets pissy because he thinks the kid only asked how much he earns an hour so he could determine how much to beg for.
So the kid gets sent to his room but all the while is talking like a 50 year old man, y'know, how these STDH stories are worded.
Dad pops in the give the kid the money anyway, because of reasons.
The kid immediately pulls out another 50 dollars he had under his pillow.
Da is once again furious.
Kid says, "Father, I asked for fifty dollars to add to this pocket money I've been saving. So if I give you this 100 dollars can I buy an hour of your time this Friday so we can spend some quality time together?"

Cue a million bawling babies fawning over this brave child who doesn't exist.

I mean obviously it didn't happen and obviously someone wrote it to try and get a message across or some bollocks, but people were buying into this verbose child with a firm grasp on economics so I figure it's prime for this thread.

# ? May 5, 2015 13:03

Thin Privilege: Jul 8, 2009; IM A STUPID MORON WITH AN UGLY FACE AND A BIG BUTT AND MY BUTT SMELLS AND I LIKE TO KISS MY OWN BUTT; Gravy Boat 2k

Themata posted:

My friend linked me this:

http://imgur.com/gallery/ZgufJ

Text dump minus macros:

tl;dr: Self-fellating bank manager makes money downloading torrents of porn off Kazaa and selling them as $8 CDs, police find 'a few suspicious child porn images' and he gets probation and goes to jail where he learns to barrel roll off balconies. Reddit-lite gives this brave Pizza Hut superstar upboats.

He was selling 25 porn disks a week in 2004? :laffo:

And do you just get off the list after a period of time like he says? I thought it was a for life kind of deal. Trying to find answers online one of the websites was called "freerangekids.com" yeah I didn't click that one.

E: it just occurred to me that he would have been charged with distributing, which then would make the prison part make more sense than just going for 8 "accidental" images. And would make sense that it's $8/disk if it was hard-to-obtain child porn... :barf:

Thin Privilege has a new favorite as of 13:29 on May 5, 2015

# ? May 5, 2015 13:16

FAROOQ: Aug 20, 2014; by Smythe

Khazar-khum posted:

Is he saying they were attacked for being cis? How the hell would people in a bus know? Did they just cruise around until they saw a cis couple, demand the bus stop, then pile out in Rottweiler formation? Did they hire a bus just so they could attack random cis people without having their license plates checked? Were any fedoras or katanas hurt in the melee?

# ? May 5, 2015 13:20

Klaus88: Jan 23, 2011; Violence has its own economy, therefore be thoughtful and precise in your investment

Oh, so this is where the TV tropes thread slithered off to. Hooray! :suicide:

Makes sense as half of those awful tales are mostly to prevent them from slitting their own wrists.

# ? May 5, 2015 13:28

SybilVimes: Oct 29, 2011

Thin Privilege posted:

And do you just get off the list after a period of time like he says? I thought it was a for life kind of deal.

Depends on the crime/plea-bargain/judge's-mood, but yes, fixed term entries on the list are a thing, as are 'for life'

# ? May 5, 2015 13:32

Cygna: Mar 6, 2009; The ghost of a god is no man.

I know "it's a joke," but framing it as a text message is unreasonably grating.

# ? May 5, 2015 13:55

Grape Juice Vampire: Aug 1, 2009

Themata posted:

My friend linked me this:

http://imgur.com/gallery/ZgufJ

Text dump minus macros:

tl;dr: Self-fellating bank manager makes money downloading torrents of porn off Kazaa and selling them as $8 CDs, police find 'a few suspicious child porn images' and he gets probation and goes to jail where he learns to barrel roll off balconies. Reddit-lite gives this brave Pizza Hut superstar upboats.

"Only" a compound fracture. I love when they don't even do a two second Google search of the terms they use.

# ? May 5, 2015 14:27

Drunken Baker: Feb 3, 2015; VODKA STYLE DRINK

Ratspeaker posted:

I know "it's a joke," but framing it as a text message is unreasonably grating.

Oh fruit of my loins, explusion and ruining your life means nothing when you harbour such wit.

Sincerely, your Dad, Josh Whedon.

# ? May 5, 2015 14:54

Shai-Hulud: Jul 10, 2008; But it feels so right!; Lipstick Apathy

Ratspeaker posted:

I know "it's a joke," but framing it as a text message is unreasonably grating.

I also like that the texts from the dad are being send to a contact named "Dad". Put some effort in your fakes dammit!

# ? May 5, 2015 15:01

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

Shai-Hulud posted:

I also like that the texts from the dad are being send to a contact named "Dad". Put some effort in your fakes dammit!

No the sides make sense I think, green is the OP messaging contact called Dad.

# ? May 5, 2015 15:41

MikeCrotch: Nov 5, 2011; I AM UNJUSTIFIABLY PROUD OF MY SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE RECIPE

YES, IT IS AN INCREDIBLY SIMPLE DISH

NO, IT IS NOT NORMAL TO USE A PEPPERAMI INSTEAD OF MINCED MEAT

YES, THERE IS TOO MUCH SALT IN MY RECIPE

NO, I WON'T STOP SHARING IT

more like BOLLOCKnese

quote:

Working the graveyard shift at an ISP, I am the only person in the call center other than the guard. I received a call from a grandmotherly sounding woman about getting email. The conversation detailed below has not been altered.

Me: Alright, to get your email first you�ll need to click on the Outlook Express icon.

Cust: This is a good god fearing Christian home and we do not have icons. *click*

The phone rings again and I go through the standard greeting.

Cust: I had a terrible man trying to get me to worship at some icon.

Me: That�s terrible, well lets get your email setup, if you�d please click on the little picture of an envelope that is called �Outlook Express� please.

Definitely more than a few stdh in this treasure trove http://gizmodo.com/in-the-shower-eating-cherries-and-more-tales-of-night-1702059866

Edit: That'll teach me for posting before getting to the final goldmine post:

quote:

I was working as a front line customer service representative at a company we�ll call BA (a telecom in Eastern Canada) in 2013. As front line it was my job to do sales, billing, inquiries, retention and tech support, basically a bit of everything. If I couldn�t resolve the problem, then you�d get sent off to someone who worked in that department. One day I received a call from an older gentleman saying that his internet was no longer working. I jumped into my programs and checked everything on his account that would normally cause an internet outage. Everything checked out on my system, but I saw that he just switched to our new FibreOp fibre network from copper, so I figured I�d ask him some questions about his router in hopes that we didn�t mess up the install. When I asked him if he was getting any signal on his laptop, he said �No, I�m using a desktop, I�ve just got it plugged in�. So then I asked him what lights were illuminated on the router. He had no clue what I was talking about, and eventually said �There�s no lights, it�s just plugged into the phone jack�.

Then it hit me. This guy, who has had DSL on his account since 2006 and had a wireless router since 2009, was still using dial-up. A guy who had access to at least 7mbps for 7 years was using 30 kbps. He had no idea what �high speed� internet actually was. I put him on hold and checked his bill and there it was, $39.95 a month for dial-up service and this was ON TOP of the ~$200 a month the guy was already paying for DSL, Home Phone and Digital Cable. I got back on the phone with him and tried to walk him through setting up the router near his computer so he could plug in, but that was definitely a bit over his head (by the sounds of it the guy must have been 70, and all he wanted to do was e-mail with his kids). I told him to hang on and that I�d call him back in a few minutes with a solution.

I got on the phone with dispatch (the internal department that directs our technicians) and found out there was a tech in the area who could squeeze in setting up a router within the hour. I then took the 39.95, multiplied it by 84 months (the amount of time he had DSL), deducted the cost of a technician visit ($120) to give me 3,155.90. After a quick trip to my manager and some work of my silver tongue, the old dude had a $3000 credit applied to his account. I never managed to get a credit that big for a customer before or since, but since providing the dial-up was basically free for us and double charging seniors doesn�t make for good media I got that one.

I called him back and told him that a technician would be there soon to set up his router and plug it in, and explained to him why his internet cut out in the first place. The guy still had no idea what I was really talking about, but he understood that he�d be able to see pics of the grandkids again pretty soon. Then I told him that I applied a $3000 credit to his account, and he drat near took my eardrum out with his yelling. He was laughing to the point of almost crying, then suddenly I hear him take a breath like he was punched in the gut. Then another. Then another.

�Sir, are you alright?� I asked. �No�, he replied in another gasp. Believe it our not, they actually train us for stuff like this. �Sir do you want me to call you an ambulance?� All there was on the other end now was gasps. I told him to wait on the line and I called 911, giving them the address he called from (perks of working for a telco) and explaining that I just gave him exciting news and it sounded like he was struggling to breathe. Then I conferenced 911 in with the customer and the operator and she took over from there (but I got to eavesdrop on the rest of the call!).

Once EMS arrived we ended the call, and then it was back to work. The next day when I came in, I was called into my managers office first thing. Apparently the family had contacted BA to thank us and let us know the guy was fine (he had a chronic breathing condition and I guess the good news just got him in a spell). I ended up getting a $100 bonus which was pretty cool. Kicker is I checked his account a few weeks later to see if he was actually using his high-speed. Was he ever, the next set of notes on the account after mine were him calling in and asking if he downloaded a virus from clicking an ad on a porn site.

MikeCrotch has a new favorite as of 17:21 on May 5, 2015

# ? May 5, 2015 17:17

bartlebee: Nov 5, 2008

How has no one shared this gem yet? Floating around Facebook. http://imgur.com/Pbe5kcF

# ? May 5, 2015 17:27

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 27, 2024 14:47

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

Themata posted:

My friend linked me this:

http://imgur.com/gallery/ZgufJ

Text dump minus macros:

tl;dr: Self-fellating bank manager makes money downloading torrents of porn off Kazaa and selling them as $8 CDs, police find 'a few suspicious child porn images' and he gets probation and goes to jail where he learns to barrel roll off balconies. Reddit-lite gives this brave Pizza Hut superstar upboats.

What a load of bullshit.

Typical STDH awkward stilted writing style.

quote:

When I got to my home prison, I quickly learned to fight. I was in the hospital three times. Twice for being stabbed and once for being pushed off of a second tier balcony when I wasn't paying attention. I caught myself and spun upright. When I landed, I was able to partially roll and only got a compound fracture of the ulna and radius of my left arm

Good thing this bank manager does parkour or he could have seriously injured his ulna and radius :eng101:

quote:

My conviction was outside of the time period asked on the application, but the district manager said that they couldn't afford to have anyone on Megan's List working in their restaurants. After I was off the list, they would definitely rehire me, however.
This cracked me up. I want to work. I have skills. But nobody will hire me.

I was arrested for child porn and nobody would hire me. This cracked me up.

# ? May 5, 2015 17:37

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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