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Why don't kleptomaniacs laugh at puns? Because they take things literally. fe: :page76snypa:
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Apr 21, 2015 19:26
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There are three women on a bench, eating Ice Cream. The first one is gently licking the sides of the ice cream, before softly suctioning it in from the top. The second one gobbles down the ice cream and firmly sucks the remainder out of the cone. The third one takes a great toothy bite out of the ice cream. Which once of these women is married? The one wearing the wedding ring
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Apr 21, 2015 20:01
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are all having their afternoon Pinot Grigio together before picking their daughters up from volleyball practice. They start gossiping and commiserating about their teenage girls. The brunette says "I was cleaning my daughter's room yesterday, and I found a bunch of rolling papers and a lighter in her underwear drawer! I had no idea my little girl was doing drugs!" The redhead replies "Well, when I was cleaning in my girl's room the other day, I found a half-empty handle of vodka on the top shelf of her closet! I had no idea my darling daughter had started drinking!" The blonde takes another sip of her peen greege and says, "Well ladies, I have you beat. I was cleaning in Amanda's room and I found a box of CONDOMS hidden in a shoebox! I had no idea my sweet baby has a dick!"
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Apr 21, 2015 20:18
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What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never paid $300 to have a lentil in my mouth  ... told to my by a dirty Newtown hippie at Lentils, naturally.
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Apr 26, 2015 10:32
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That joke is funnier with "garbanzo bean" instead of "lentil" because garbanzo beans and chickpeas are the same thing, and therefore the premise is a question someone might actually ask.
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Apr 26, 2015 12:57
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I think it might have been tailored to that because we were at Lentil as Anything, and we're eating both at the time. But I feel like that's Giving the dude too much credit. Plus I don't think I've ever heard someone call them garbanzo beans before here, it may be a regional thing, idk. I still love the joke. Yolo Swaggins Esq has a new favorite as of 13:20 on Apr 26, 2015 |
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Apr 26, 2015 13:04
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Garbanzo Bean is absolutely the joke. The success of the joke hinges upon your delivery of the word "bean" as if it were a verb.
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Apr 26, 2015 13:16
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Pththya-lyi posted:Boo-urns, Boo-urns! I was saying Boo-urns...
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Apr 27, 2015 02:53
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Awful pickup line: Hey girl, are you a bird dog? Because you have a nice soft mouth.
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May 1, 2015 19:54
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Did you know the government has a federal flood insurance option? They call it the Wetness Protection Program.
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May 12, 2015 15:55
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But enough about your penis.
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May 12, 2015 17:14
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Paste posted:Awful pickup line: What in the huh????
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May 12, 2015 21:38
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GAINING WEIGHT... posted:What in the huh???? Dogs used for hunting birds have a soft bite (either naturally or through training) to prevent them from ruffling the birds' feathers and ruining the bird. It is a bad joke.
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May 13, 2015 05:45
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Paste posted:Awful pickup line: To which the girl replies: "No soap, radio."
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May 13, 2015 05:56
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Do y'all know where the bad dogs live? Pound Town.
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May 13, 2015 06:03
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Professor Bling posted:Do y'all know where the bad dogs live? aw yeah, this joke makes it all worth it. to the bird dog naysayers, i say: you've gotta know your audience, especially with pickup lines Here's another one: be all like hey girl are you McDonald's? Because I love your company. Disclaimer: Women rarely value earnestness
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May 13, 2015 06:28
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Hey girl are you a bird dog because 
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May 13, 2015 13:02
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1redflag posted:Dogs used for hunting birds have a soft bite (either naturally or through training) to prevent them from ruffling the birds' feathers and ruining the bird. Oh, I see. A dog which hunts birds, not a bird-dog hybrid. I am not a hunter.
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May 13, 2015 14:21
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Paste posted:aw yeah, this joke makes it all worth it. Hey girl, are you The Happening? Because you're making me want to take three steps backwards and kill myself.
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May 13, 2015 14:35
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Hey babe, did you have fish for dinner? Because my friend told me about that fantastic Japanese place nearby. We should definitely go if you're free today.
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May 13, 2015 14:45
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The Sausages posted:What do you call it when a bunch of pigs start a band? The Police.
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May 24, 2015 15:27
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Speaking of police, they're having a lot of trouble with a potential ruling that would permit marijuana on Native American land. In fact, even though it hasn't been made legal yet, there's been a huge influx of people trying to move in and get their grow on. One officer in Navajo territory got a pot smoker to wear a recording device in exchange for amnesty, and busted a huge pot-growing ring. The ringleader filed an appeal, saying that this was an unconstitutional violation of his rights. In his defense, the officer said all he did was wire a head for a reservation.
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May 29, 2015 10:04
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Toadvine posted:Did you hear Bill Cosby has a new show coming out? ...on Spike network.
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May 29, 2015 19:24
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What would Muhammad Ali's name be if he was a nut? Cashews Clay
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May 30, 2015 21:55
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Minarch posted:What would Muhammad Ali's name be if he was a nut? I don't get it
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May 31, 2015 02:28
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Unexpected Road posted:I don't get it Muhammad Ali famously dislikes almonds.
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May 31, 2015 02:46
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Unexpected Road posted:I don't get it His name pre-indoctrination was Cassius Clay.
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May 31, 2015 03:45
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Why did Sir Baden Powell lose his job at the bakery? He was caught with his hands in the Brownies.
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Jun 1, 2015 12:58
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Raitzeno posted:Did you know the government has a federal flood insurance option? They call it the Wetness Protection Program. But flood insurance is a federal program... Jokes to tell your doctor: What Happened when the Rheumatologist ran over her patient in the parking lot? Nothing, she was auto-immune There's been a rash of terrible bowel disease emerging in tourists who have visited Costa Rica. After a lot of study, epidemiologists have identified that it's being caused by an allergic reaction to chemicals in local pineapples that causes terrible inflammation of the colon. They're calling it piña colitis
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Jun 1, 2015 13:12
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I also have a doctor joke. What's the difference between God and a neurosurgeon? God knows he isn't a neurosurgeon
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Jun 3, 2015 12:03
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Hermione Granger used a transfiguration spell to have an affair with her bedside table. But alas, it was not to last, because she was a witch, and it was just her one nightstand.
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Jun 5, 2015 09:06
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 Why did the Tyrannosaurus roar so much? Because that's how it liked its dinner, RAW!
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Jun 16, 2015 14:35
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Professor Bling posted:Do y'all know where the bad dogs live?  Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a Caesar salad? No, I don't. Cool. What are you doing for lunch?
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Jun 16, 2015 20:08
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A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I just missed hitting that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!
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Jun 23, 2015 03:34
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If you're rowing up a tree in the wrong side of a canoe, how many pancakes does it take to get to the moon? None, snakes don't have armpits.
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Jun 25, 2015 09:06
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Celluloid Sam posted:If you're rowing up a tree in the wrong side of a canoe, how many pancakes does it take to get to the moon? No soap, radio.
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Jun 25, 2015 09:07
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Just heard a Bloodhound Gang song on the radio and it reminded me of a joke their base player made in 2006 during a show in Austria: Dude: “Hello Austria!” The crowd shouts greetings back. Dude: “I love Austria, Austria is great.” The crowd shouts and cheers. Dude: “You gave Mozart to the world and Arnold Schwarzenegger to America.” The crowd cheers like crazy. Dude: “And that’s why Austria is my favorite city in Germany!”
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Jun 25, 2015 21:59
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I got in an argument with a guy at a bar and he said "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "Okay but you'll be sorry. I don't get into corners very well." Emo Phillips
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Jul 1, 2015 01:50
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Did you hear about that art show at the campground? It was pretty in tents.
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Jul 4, 2015 19:58
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Lurken posted:Did you hear about that art show at the campground? It was pretty in tents. No, but did you hear about that theatre production that was all about puns? It was a real play on words.
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Jul 5, 2015 07:23
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