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Boofchicken posted:"Hmm, my daughter and her boyfriend are having sex. I better wait here and give him the thumbs up, to let him know I approve. Wonder how long it will take for him to notice me. Oh well, I'll just sit here watching my daughter get railed until he looks out the window." This is another one where I think it really happened, the kid is just stupid or easily confused so he thinks every construction worker looks like his girlfriend's dad. The rest of the story is "Then, her dad yelled at her dad for being a creep. Then her dad told her dad it was break time. Then her dad traded his bologna sandwich for her dad's pastrami on rye. Face blindness is a living hell. FML."
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May 28, 2015 21:33
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| # ? May 27, 2024 08:59 |
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Mods, new thread title please: shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'll just sit here watching my daughter get railed until he looks out the window
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May 28, 2015 22:12
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May 28, 2015 22:14
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Jesus my tables. I guess the joke is that a kid is supposed to have written that ? , 
Fathis Munk has a new favorite as of 22:25 on May 28, 2015 |
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May 28, 2015 22:16
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by [house company]
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May 28, 2015 22:25
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Trebek posted:What building has an 80 ft ceiling anyway. Was he painting the Astrodome. The sheds at Tilbury docks are probably that high - strangely my friend's dad has a similar story based there except somewhat more feasible, where he was setting up duckboards on the roof of said sheds in preparation to repair them, where the ladder he had laid on the roof went straight through as soon as he stepped on it, then wedged on the spar holding the roof up, leaving him unharmed but seriously needing a change of underwear. The thing of skylights being painted over and people walking through them is actually fairly common and one of the (many, very good) reasons you never walk around on a non-flat roof without setting up ladders or duckboards -exactly that happened in the warehouse opposite the house where I grew up when they were demolishing it, but the guy died (the roof was about 30 feet tall though, maybe this guy's dad is a cat with a non-fatal terminal velocity). To be honest most of those stories just sound like pretty common "Working-class Dad berating doughy son who claims playing video games counts as looking for work" stories, there's always a bit of hyperbole involved. Said doughy boy hears them and instead of thinking "Hey maybe I should actually do something with my life" thinks "Oh my God Imgur will love this!". goddamnedtwisto has a new favorite as of 22:53 on May 28, 2015 |
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May 28, 2015 22:51
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I remember FML was the first time I finally realised "these people are LYING on the internet"
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May 28, 2015 23:44
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J Miracle posted:Yeah I like how he made it 80 feet, like he could have gone with 10 or 15 feet to be in the realm of plausibility but nope its gotta be that he fell 6 to 8 stories (so I guess he was working on a cathedral ceiling) I just assumed he fell through but caught himself, like Gandalf in LotR, except he pulled himself up because he is so strong and cool.
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May 28, 2015 23:56
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The only thing worse than FML is MLIA.
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May 29, 2015 00:00
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PUGGERNAUT posted:The only thing worse than FML is MLIA. It was quite good when it was literally stuff like "Today I got up and made breakfast. MLIA"
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May 29, 2015 00:05
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10 Year old girl gives her thoughts on the splatoon I am 100% sure a 10 yr old said all of this exactly.
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May 29, 2015 05:25
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Decrepus posted:I just assumed he fell through but caught himself, like Gandalf in LotR, except he pulled himself up because he is so strong and cool. Paint, you fools.
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May 29, 2015 07:20
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Man I remember stumbling on the French versions of FML and MLIA. So many hours spent reading that stuff. Also Bashfr.org though I transitioned to bash.org because I decided I wanted to be a kewl dude that's good at English. I think the stupid chatlogs on bash were the first time it hit me that there was a lot of lying for coolness points on the Internet. snergle posted:10 Year old girl gives her thoughts on the splatoon LOL. Why did he figure this stilted fake dialog was the best way to write that? Though splatoon does look p fun tbh.
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May 29, 2015 07:43
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"And this game isn’t as aggressive as I thought it might be. It’s not violent the way I hear other shooters are. - A 10-year old girl" -A 40-year old man
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May 29, 2015 13:05
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Cross posting from the Mad Max Fury Road thread, caught some STDH in the wild  Critical posted:Witnessed this again by myself since none of my smeg friends could accompany me on short notice. gently caress them. But evidence why this goddamn movie owns so goddamn much:
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May 29, 2015 14:25
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Chris Kyle fanfictionquote:How THE GREAT STATE OF Texas treated the Kyle family at Kyle's funeral.
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May 29, 2015 15:30
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Reminder about Chris Kyle; he thought that taking people suffering from PTSD to a firing range (or hunting, I can't remember what) would be a great way to help them cope.
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May 29, 2015 15:34
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Testekill posted:Reminder about Chris Kyle; he thought that taking people suffering from PTSD to a firing range (or hunting, I can't remember what) would be a great way to help them cope. Don't they use first person shooter video games in PTSD treatment or is it an urban myth?
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May 29, 2015 15:37
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Paladinus posted:Don't they use first person shooter video games in PTSD treatment or is it an urban myth? It is very much harder to murder someone with a controller or a mouse than with a fully loaded gun.
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May 29, 2015 15:38
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 Kyle was a terrible human being who was all too happy to shoot Arabs. Figures Texas would love him. I wonder how much (few) of this is true.
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May 29, 2015 15:48
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Testekill posted:Reminder about Chris Kyle; he thought that taking people suffering from PTSD to a firing range (or hunting, I can't remember what) would be a great way to help them cope. Shooting range yeah. Turns out that was a terrible idea, who'd have guessed.
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May 29, 2015 15:49
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snergle posted:10 Year old girl gives her thoughts on the splatoon The girl uses the word 'addictive' in proper context with no struggle but is completely baffled by the word 'immersion' ? Yeah, real story girl said game was fun and dad who writes for Forbes took that and ran with it. Still cute though.
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May 29, 2015 15:54
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Lblitzer posted:Chris Kyle fanfiction *everyone in Texas comes in with everything for a HUGE party*
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May 29, 2015 16:14
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Bobby Digital posted:*everyone in Texas comes in with everything for a HUGE party* But they're super polite and poo poo in the RV for five days.
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May 29, 2015 16:17
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Thump! posted:Cross posting from the Mad Max Fury Road thread, caught some STDH in the wild Ugh I liked the movie as much as the next nerd but if goons start unironically using the film's parlance in everyday conversation I may scream.
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May 29, 2015 16:31
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LITERALLY A BIRD posted:Ugh I liked the movie as much as the next nerd but if goons start unironically using the film's parlance in everyday conversation I may scream. I haven't watch the film yet, but smeg is a fake swear word from Red Dwarf. Not that it makes it better.
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May 29, 2015 16:37
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Thump! posted:Cross posting from the Mad Max Fury Road thread, caught some STDH in the wild I'm guessing a "v8 symbol" and the "witness" thing are things from the movie. If not, I have no idea what the last part of that story means.
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May 29, 2015 16:54
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Paladinus posted:I haven't watch the film yet, but smeg is a fake swear word from Red Dwarf. Not that it makes it better. It's not a 'fake' swear word, smeg and associated derivatives, including smeghead, have been around ages as insults, it's derived from smegma - the ugly white/grey greasy substance under a foreskin.
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May 29, 2015 17:16
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Murphy Brownback posted:I'm guessing a "v8 symbol" and the "witness" thing are things from the movie. If not, I have no idea what the last part of that story means. Yeah, the movie has a whole apocalyptic car cult and they have a religion around dying in a fiery car crash, like some kind of post-acpocalyptic norse warriors. They even talk about Valhalla. Its one of the cooler aspects of the movie, its really unique and it seems like there's a lot going on there but the movie never stops and explains it. It trusts that its cool enough to just stand on its own and you'll figure it out. The war boys spray chrome on their mouths before they go all kamikaze too, very original. "Witness!" is the call for others to see their dying blaze of glory. And the V8 is like their salute or prayer.
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May 29, 2015 17:27
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SybilVimes posted:It's not a 'fake' swear word, smeg and associated derivatives, including smeghead, have been around ages as insults, it's derived from smegma - the ugly white/grey greasy substance under a foreskin. Thanks for explaining what smegma is, I guess. I am pretty sure it wasn't widely used as a swear word before Red Dwarf, since it simply wouldn't have been allowed on TV. Red Dwarf Wiki posted:The show's creators (Grant Naylor) have stated it was not related to a medical term and was a made up swear word. The show has consistently claimed to know nothing of the word "smegma", and that "smeg" was entirely made up, sounding as it did like a generic, four-letter, single-syllable swear-word that might be used in the future (and so could be used in the programme in place of swear words that, at the time, would not usually be used in mainstream sitcoms). 
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May 29, 2015 17:28
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Zaphod42 posted:Yeah, the movie has a whole apocalyptic car cult and they have a religion around dying in a fiery car crash, like some kind of post-acpocalyptic norse warriors. They even talk about Valhalla. Wow. Hadn't seen the movie yet. Who would have thought reading the STDH thread would mean I didn't have to either? Oh! Wait! Anyone want to spoil Tom Hardy's clothing choices for me so I can get the COMPLETE experience?
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May 29, 2015 18:00
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Samizdata posted:Wow. Hadn't seen the movie yet. Who would have thought reading the STDH thread would mean I didn't have to either? Oh! Wait! Anyone want to spoil Tom Hardy's clothing choices for me so I can get the COMPLETE experience? Dude that isn't a spoiler. It happens in the first 5 seconds of the film and has nothing to do with the plot. If you're butthurt over that you must NEVER watch movie trailers or something. Because they give away so much more than I ever did there. Zaphod42 posted:it seems like there's a lot going on there but the movie never stops and explains it. Seriously its all background set decoration, that isn't the plot. Plus its an action movie, not a drama. Its like I said "hey star wars has spaceships and laser guns and people say 'may the force be with you' sometimes" that's not a loving spoiler.
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May 29, 2015 18:09
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Samizdata posted:Wow. Hadn't seen the movie yet. Who would have thought reading the STDH thread would mean I didn't have to either? Oh! Wait! Anyone want to spoil Tom Hardy's clothing choices for me so I can get the COMPLETE experience? That's not a spoiler you big baby.
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May 29, 2015 18:13
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Today, I hosed up… by being nice to a kid I’m 21. Male. You could say I’m a pretty normal person. You could also say I’m an idiot. What I’m going to write about now is probably a case for the second option. I don’t want to bore you with details so let’s get right into it. I had some free time this afternoon and went to the mall to try and waste some time. I just wanted to check if there were any new books, gadgets or things like that. Nothing special. I was just outside a technological store, checking out the overpriced smartphones and earphones when I saw him. A little kid (about 6 or 7) was crying his guts out just a few steps away from me. I assumed he was lost, and, being completely honest, my first reflex was to ignore him and let the security guards take care of reuniting him with his mom. Minutes passed and no one… absolutely no one even tried to say something to him, they just watched and some even laughed. This made my blood boil. I then decided to say something to him and, at least, try to calm him down. “Hi” I said. I can honestly say I have some experience with these kind of things, I have two sisters quite a bit younger than me. He used his shirt’s sleeve to clean his watery eyes, looked at me and said “hi”. “Are you lost?” I enquired. “Yes” he said, with a really sad and shaky voice. At this point I just felt I had to help him and do my good deed of the day. “Alright then, don’t worry about it. Come with me, I’ll help you find your mom.” I said. He just answered with a “Really?” with his eyes wide open and with a huge smile. Before I continue…. I live in a country where the problems with pedophiles caused a huge impact. I’m not stupid, I knew this of course. The way to hell is paved with good intentions, but I felt I had to help him even if I ran into some risks. I mean, what could possibly go wrong ? He took my hand right away. It made me a little bit nervous… What would I say if his mother found her son grabbing the hand of a complete stranger going to god knows where? Anyways, we started walking to the customer service counter. And on our way there, we passed outside an ice cream shop. The little guy stared at the countless colors and flavors as if he hadn’t seen something like it in his entire life. “Do you like ice cream?” I asked. He just nodded without losing sight of the ice cream. I checked my wallet and had about 10$ left. “What the hell, I’ll buy him an ice cream” I thought. This is where the journey to Mt. Doom starts. He was a very nice kid, we talked a lot and about a lot of things while buying his ice cream. He ordered a vanilla cone. We continued walking to the customer service at a really slow pace, his eyes were dry by now and you could tell he was kind of enjoying all this situation. We were about to get there and he told me he wanted to go the bathroom. He did what you usually do in there (I held his ice cream in the meantime) and he came out of the cubicle. His mouth was completely dirty and filled with a white vanilla moustache. “Hey, you have to clean your mouth first!” I said, which he took as an invitation to play. He ran out of the bathroom with his ice cream on his hand and laughing his rear end off. I started chasing him, and a few seconds after leaving the bathroom (it was really close to this customer service counter) he tripped and fell to the floor. He obviously started crying. And, oh boy lucky me, his mother was just standing in the counter with a terrified face. Oh and, of course, she was staring directly at me with a murderous intent. BUT WAIT, there’s more! That angry face turned into one of complete and utter despair when she realized his son had his face completely dirty with a white substance (funny, no one knew where his ice cream was), after running out of the bathroom while being chased by a grown up guy. poo poo. “HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME! MY SON IS BEING ASSAULTED!” she said in a non-too friendly tone. I couldn’t even finish saying “Please let me explain” when a police officer had already taken the boy and handcuffed me. His colleague took me and brought me to the outpost they have outside the mall, while I infructuously tried to explain to him what happened. I knew things were starting to get really bad when the officer told me “Ok, young man. Confess what you did and this is all gonna end up real quick”. I told them what I told you just now. They laughed their asses off. “Yeah sure, and this guy right here [he pointed at another cop] is Bigfoot’s cousin”. I almost told him I wouldn’t be surprised, since he wasn’t the skinniest guy around. Thank god I didn’t. Anyways, I was there for a good 45 minutes and then someone knocked the door of the police van. It was the kid and his mother. She had the same “unfriendly” face she had before. The kid though, to our surprise started talking, and in a spectacularly mature manner. “I’m really sorry! You tried to help me and I caused you a lot of trouble! I’m really, really sorry!” The cops asked him what happened, and he said pretty much the same thing I did. Hence, I was released. I almost kissed the damned kid, but then my brain started working and decided it might’ve been a little bit inappropriate. TL;DR : Helped a kid, someone confused me with a child molester, got arrested and karma saved my butt. source http://today-ifuckedup.tumblr.com/
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May 29, 2015 18:21
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Lblitzer posted:Chris Kyle fanfiction Obama's congratulating the gays but not ARE SERVICEMEN!? God drat MusloCommunist president e: I wonder what Kyle fans think of Ventura
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May 29, 2015 18:25
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Zaphod42 posted:Yeah, the movie has a whole apocalyptic car cult and they have a religion around dying in a fiery car crash, like some kind of post-acpocalyptic norse warriors. They even talk about Valhalla. That just raises the question - if she hated it so much, why would she suddenly start quoting/emulating it? Anyway for what it's worth, having not seen the movie, I don't think what you posted counts as a spoiler at all - it'd be like saying you are spoiling harry potter by describing one of the houses or something.
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May 29, 2015 18:29
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Postal Parcel posted:Obama's congratulating the gays but not ARE SERVICEMEN!? You already know. They say he's a big dumb coward who hates America, can't take a punch, and SUED A WIDOW because he got his feelings hurt. The real story is that Ventura is also a SEAL (technically Navy SF before they were called SEALs), never got punched by Chris Kyle, and sued Chris Kyle for damages when Kyle made up a story about how Ventura hates America and he totally knocked that 60 year old man out with a single punch. His career as a political speaker cratered when Kyle went in person on Bill O'Reilly's show to tell the lie to promote his book. Kyle didn't live to the conclusion of the suit, so his estate was added as a codefendant.
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May 29, 2015 18:32
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Murphy Brownback posted:That just raises the question - if she hated it so much, why would she suddenly start quoting/emulating it? Yeah that part was dumb. My guess was that she thought she hated the movie going in but ended up loving it (which I have heard from some friends who don't normally like action movies) but it still made it out like she was grumpy as they were leaving the theater, but then when he pulls up next to her in the street suddenly she's like 'HELL YES MAD MAX" Maybe the energy between her boyfriend and the stranger was just so powerful she got caught up in it. And then all the other cars at that stoplight clapped.
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May 29, 2015 18:33
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Lblitzer posted:Chris Kyle fanfiction Wikipedia posted:
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May 29, 2015 19:14
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| # ? May 27, 2024 08:59 |
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Not only that, but Kyle left because his wife wanted him back. The bounties were placed on EVERY sniper on that mission but Kyle topped the leaderboards so nobody really cares about anything else.
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May 29, 2015 19:27
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