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So I'm in a similar situation as the parents in Hatchet Down's post. I wouldn't say my husband is as bad as Ron, but he's definitely more firm with Amelia than I. He doesn't taunt or mock her (at least, not anymore. We had a talk about the mocking), and will try to calmly explain to her what she did wrong. He gives her baths and puts her to bed every night. The baths were for bonding. The bedtime routine is because he has a very soothing voice that works like Valium. If I try to put her to bed, she acts like it's playtime and it takes at least two hours to get her to sleep as opposed to his thirty minutes. They also wake up together. There used to be a morning routine (they'd wake, she'd go potty, brush her teeth, eat breakfast, etc), but lately she doesn't want to get out of bed-- well, our bed. She comes to our room every night. He'll try to convince her to get out of bed once she's obviously awake, but she'd rather just stay snuggled with me. And before you ask why I don't get out of bed at 7:30, it's because I've only slept maybe 4 hours. I have a hard time falling asleep at night. A... really hard time. That's a different issue. Anyway, I tell you all this so you know he interacts with her and does all the bonding/caring/nurturing stuff with her. He isn't neglectful or anything. Which is why we can't figure out why she prefers me over him. She's hit him numerous times. She's told him she doesn't want him looking at her. If given a choice between us, she chooses me every time. No, she wants Mommy to get her juice. No, she was talking to Mommy, not you, Daddy. I don't know that I've ever heard her say she loves him without being prompted. She doesn't apologize without prompting, either. I've tried talking to her about it-- about why she's so mean to Daddy, and that it breaks Daddy's heart when she says and does those things-- but she just said she doesn't know why she does it. She's always been attached to me, but we figured it was just because she was still little. But she's 4 years old now, and it's starting to really hurt my husband. We don't know what he's doing wrong. He just wants to have a good relationship with her-- not the lovely relationship he had with his father. This whole thing is just killing him, and I don't know what to do.
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Jun 25, 2015 17:32
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Take a vacation and let him be a single dad for a week. My son is the same way, but my wife has to go do research at various archives or go to conferences several times a year so I be a single dad for a week and it's great. His behavior completely changes when I'm the only option and we bond pretty good. Last night was only my wife's second day back and my son asked me to put him to bed which he never does.
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Jun 25, 2015 17:45
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greatn posted:Take a vacation and let him be a single dad for a week. My son is the same way, but my wife has to go do research at various archives or go to conferences several times a year so I be a single dad for a week and it's great. His behavior completely changes when I'm the only option and we bond pretty good. Last night was only my wife's second day back and my son asked me to put him to bed which he never does. There is some sort of a pattern though, those comments/outbursts mostly arrive when he's tired, hungry, angry or hurt. Sometimes my wife will get home with him and give me a sign so I know I should avoid addressing him because he's moody. I don't really like playing the avoidance game, but it sometimes makes things easier. Having it happen while getting hurt is bad though, he'll hurt himself I'll run to help him and he'll wrestle out and run to mom crying he wants mom and not me  On the other hand, every so often he will tell his mom she has to do the dishes because he wants to play with me, so I know it's not all lost.
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Jun 25, 2015 18:24
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foxatee posted:So I'm in a similar situation as the parents in Hatchet Down's post. I wouldn't say my husband is as bad as Ron, but he's definitely more firm with Amelia than I. He doesn't taunt or mock her (at least, not anymore. We had a talk about the mocking), and will try to calmly explain to her what she did wrong. He gives her baths and puts her to bed every night. The baths were for bonding. The bedtime routine is because he has a very soothing voice that works like Valium. If I try to put her to bed, she acts like it's playtime and it takes at least two hours to get her to sleep as opposed to his thirty minutes. My 4 year old prefers my husband to me to a ridiculous degree. One time he told me that he loves daddy 100 and loves me 7. Or more often he doesn't actually put a numerical value on it, just that he wants daddy to put his clothes on, or get his dinner or wipe his bum because he doesn't love me enough. It doesn't really bother me because he's four, what he means by love is probably wildly different to the adult concept of it, daddy is more fun than me (I do the boring stuff) and making a big deal about it gives it more meaning.
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Jun 25, 2015 21:29
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Thanks, guys. I really, really appreciate your responses. I've read them to my husband and they've made him feel a little better about things, although he still wishes it wasn't so hurtful. Rgoc's post especially was a very accurate description of their day -to-day interactions, so it really helped him to know that he's not the only one out there.
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Jun 25, 2015 23:36
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foxatee posted:Thanks, guys. I really, really appreciate your responses. I've read them to my husband and they've made him feel a little better about things, although he still wishes it wasn't so hurtful. Rgoc's post especially was a very accurate description of their day -to-day interactions, so it really helped him to know that he's not the only one out there.
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Jun 25, 2015 23:54
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rgocs posted:I have time alone with our son (3y8m old) every Wednesday afternoon while my wife goes to prenatal-yoga and we have a great time, we go eat out, play, go to the park, night routine and bed. Sure, sometimes I have to repeat one too many times that he has to eat, but overall is a good time. Anytime we are alone he's great, he's cuddly, kind and affectionate with me; but if my wife is around, that's it for me, it's back to "I don't want dad to look at me", "I don't want to see dad". This morning I said "Hi" to him while making breakfast, he literally walked up to me with an angry face, tapped me on the leg and walked away. Fortunately it's not like that all the time, this morning once we were having breakfast he was nice again, but the regular comments about not wanting to see/talk to me don't feel nice. Yeah, that sounds like my kid. It may be that he doesn't want me to enforce bed time, meal time, bath time, nap time, potty time, and medicine time, but it's got to be done.
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Jun 26, 2015 00:19
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my name.. is reason... my world.. is crying.. and poop
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Jun 26, 2015 16:00
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foxatee posted:Thanks, guys. I really, really appreciate your responses. I've read them to my husband and they've made him feel a little better about things, although he still wishes it wasn't so hurtful. Rgoc's post especially was a very accurate description of their day -to-day interactions, so it really helped him to know that he's not the only one out there. I find this all very intriguing as well, because my daughter is 6 months old and my wife thinks that my daughter overwhelmingly prefers me because I make her laugh and smile, yet my wife is the go-to for soothing and is around the baby 24/7 (she works from home, so she's always around even if babysitter/parents are over to help with the baby). Makes me wonder where things will go once she hits 2-4 years old. Is it just that a child prefers someone and that sticks until you get some solo time with the child?
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Jun 26, 2015 16:19
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notwithoutmyanus posted:I find this all very intriguing as well, because my daughter is 6 months old and my wife thinks that my daughter overwhelmingly prefers me because I make her laugh and smile, yet my wife is the go-to for soothing and is around the baby 24/7 (she works from home, so she's always around even if babysitter/parents are over to help with the baby). I quoted "provocation" because they weren't really. What, buddy? There's a tiny piece of crust still left on your toast? Why not react as if I had thrown all of your toys out the window and lit them on fire?
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Jun 26, 2015 17:13
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So the kids managed to start the washing machine, and they put their shoes in it too. Fortunately it was averted before it got too wet. Not bad for almost 22 months I guess
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Jun 26, 2015 17:28
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notwithoutmyanus posted:Makes me wonder where things will go once she hits 2-4 years old. Is it just that a child prefers someone and that sticks until you get some solo time with the child? I don't even have to have done anything, she'll snuggle with me on my side of the bed every morning for six months, then one day I can't even bribe her in. I'll think... maybe she's too old to snuggle. She just doesn't want to anymore. And after a couple weeks or months or whatever, there she'll be one day, then the next, then for weeks or months at a time.
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Jun 26, 2015 23:26
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I think our daycare is teaching Jasper to say "Yes, ma'am" and "No, ma'am" or he's picking it up from other kids in his room. We're in the south, but I'm not southern so its weird to me, but whatever. The funny thing is he can't pronounce it well so he sounds like a little Rastafarian saying "Yea mon! No mon!"
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Jun 28, 2015 01:07
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Stating for the record that having twin 15 month olds confined to a room in a doctor's office is like trying to keep two out-of-control nuclear reactors from going critical. My wife and I were exhausted after trying to keep them from getting into EVERYTHING for an hour while they were getting examined. I figure I'm not alone on this front though.
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Jun 28, 2015 03:02
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Any tips for finding a new routine with all solid foods? While I greatly enjoy not having to buy formula anymore, there was a nice simplicity to knowing it contained all the nutrients he needed. I guess a few staples to choose from plus a few weekend specialties?
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Jun 30, 2015 15:37
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Thwomp posted:Any tips for finding a new routine with all solid foods? I'd go with a few things you know he'll eat, and then most of the time feed him whatever you're eating, just mashed up / chopped up / cooked softer as appropriate. Chili for dinner? Smash up some meat (and/or beans) with a fork until there's no pieces bigger than a grain of rice and then let him attempt to shovel it towards his face holes until he finds the food hole. Roast chicken and carrots? Cook some of the carrots until extra-soft, dice up some meat, put in grabbing distance. Spaghetti? Let some of it cook longer and smash it up with some pasta sauce. Some things he won't eat (and most things he'll probably need to be offered a bunch of times before he'll try them), so you want to have some food you know he'll eat on hand.
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Jun 30, 2015 16:05
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Anyone had experience with a toddler that has decided that diaper changes must all be wrestling matches of poop doom? Its starting to become extremely frustrating to just change a diaper when just a couple months ago I could go "Can you lie down for a diaper change?" and the little dude would just lie down on top of a new diaper and be ok.
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Jun 30, 2015 16:17
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Reason posted:Anyone had experience with a toddler that has decided that diaper changes must all be wrestling matches of poop doom? Its starting to become extremely frustrating to just change a diaper when just a couple months ago I could go "Can you lie down for a diaper change?" and the little dude would just lie down on top of a new diaper and be ok. Same strategies as getting them to do anything they don't want to do: rewards for good behavior, toys go on timeout until he's changed, and for this specific problem constant reminders about diaper rash. e: vvv Only risk with letting them pick out which diaper is when they decide they don't want any of the diapers you have. Although sometimes they decide they don't want any of the available diapers even when you don't give them a choice, so 
Papercut fucked around with this message at 17:49 on Jun 30, 2015 |
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Jun 30, 2015 16:24
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Reason posted:Anyone had experience with a toddler that has decided that diaper changes must all be wrestling matches of poop doom? Its starting to become extremely frustrating to just change a diaper when just a couple months ago I could go "Can you lie down for a diaper change?" and the little dude would just lie down on top of a new diaper and be ok. Some toddlers might be more interested if they pick out which diaper they'll put on (yes, even if they are all featurelessly brown Seventh Generation diapers, my son wanted to pick), or decide where on the bathroom floor they'll lie down or which direction their head will point on the changing table, that kind of thing. Failing that, yeah, what Papercut said about the same strategies as everything else.
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Jun 30, 2015 17:43
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foxatee posted:Thanks, guys. I really, really appreciate your responses. I've read them to my husband and they've made him feel a little better about things, although he still wishes it wasn't so hurtful. Rgoc's post especially was a very accurate description of their day -to-day interactions, so it really helped him to know that he's not the only one out there. I think greatn's advise is pretty spot on. Your daughter feels very connected to you, and as long as you are around she only has eyes for you. The moment you take some significant time off (a couple of days/weeks), she will quickly bond with the person looking after her and being nice to her. I had to return to work full time 2 months after my first was born, while my husband studied and looked after her. So I don't think I'll ever be her favourite. However, after he starting working full time and I had maternity leave and now only work part time we have gotten a lot closer. It used to be very hurtful to hear her calling dad her favourite, but now I don't mind as much because I get plenty of love when he's not around. She actually asks me to put her to bed at least half the time, which is pretty cool. Funny enough, I took 5 months of maternity leave with my youngest and she adores me. She's a lot meaner to her dad than the oldest ever was to me. She rather not eat ice cream than have him feed it to her. Every single time I ask him to hold her for me, she cries. Every time. However, if he has the day off and I'm not home, she adores him.
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Jul 1, 2015 05:51
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Can someone else please reassure me that waking up at or before 5 is just a phase? A week before he turned 1, he started waking up at 5:30 or earlier and it's been getting earlier ever since. He got up at 4:30 this morning and my wife has about had it. He sleeps well during the day (twice a day for about 1.5-2 hours), and prior to some recent schedule fuckery, he was going down at 7:30. This is a phase right? I would kill a man for consistent sleep until 6am. At least he's sleeping through the night.
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Jul 2, 2015 13:56
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My daughter started doing that when she was like 5 months old (She's a year and a half now), and that went on for a couple months, I think. She'd wake up around 5:00 every morning and it drove me crazy; but she'd only take one nap during the day, and it was only a half hour. After a couple months of this she grew out of it, and went back to waking up around 7:00. Every child is different, but it's probably just a phase that they'll grow out of, hopefully soon! I feel your pain.
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Jul 2, 2015 14:12
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Thwomp posted:Can someone else please reassure me that waking up at or before 5 is just a phase? Mine has been doing that for a few months now (she's 11 months) and still wakes at least twice a night. At least we've finally got her sorted with one nap a day of 2-3 hours - she seemed to be trying to drop all naps for a while. So... take what you can get, I guess?
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Jul 2, 2015 18:03
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Thwomp posted:Can someone else please reassure me that waking up at or before 5 is just a phase? Lasted maybe a year? The alarm clock owl helped a lot.
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Jul 2, 2015 18:23
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Thwomp posted:Can someone else please reassure me that waking up at or before 5 is just a phase? It unfortunately came back after he was in a proper bed and, no longer being constrained, would come wake us up. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does he now just climbs in our bed and sleeps between us. Not great sleep after that, but sleep nonetheless.
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Jul 2, 2015 18:44
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So, my mother is dying. Soon. The doctors have given us an estimate of 1-3 months at most, and my daughter turned two years old today. In addition to the obvious pain of losing her, it breaks mine and my mothers heart that my daughter, her first and only grandchild, most likely won't have any memories of her. We're taking lots of videos and pictures. Is there any possibility of my daughter remembering anything when she's this young? I expect we'll be looking at pictures and videos and talking a lot about grandma over the next years, because she's amazing and I want my daughter to know who she was, but... Is there any hope of her retaining any actual memories? Do any of your kids remember stuff from when they were that young? Also, gently caress cancer. It's just the shittiest, most unfair disease.
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Jul 2, 2015 18:56
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Sockmuppet posted:So, my mother is dying. Soon. The doctors have given us an estimate of 1-3 months at most, and my daughter turned two years old today. In addition to the obvious pain of losing her, it breaks mine and my mothers heart that my daughter, her first and only grandchild, most likely won't have any memories of her. We're taking lots of videos and pictures. Is there any possibility of my daughter remembering anything when she's this young? I expect we'll be looking at pictures and videos and talking a lot about grandma over the next years, because she's amazing and I want my daughter to know who she was, but... Is there any hope of her retaining any actual memories? Do any of your kids remember stuff from when they were that young? Think of all of your memories from when you were two. If you can think of ANY, it would be surprising. Take lots and lots of videos.
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Jul 2, 2015 19:28
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Thwomp posted:Can someone else please reassure me that waking up at or before 5 is just a phase? Sure, its a phase! No one knows how long it will last though. But if he's taking 3-4 hours of naps a day and sleeping 9-10 hours at night, that's all the sleep he likely needs in a day. My kid just turned two and has been in the 4:45-6 wakeup club for...a year? A while. We try to make six the earliest we will get him but he's also a hard toddler and will scream to hysterics which no one could sleep through anyway.
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Jul 2, 2015 23:13
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sheri and I were early rising same aged kid buddies for a while there... my son sleeps a lot better now but I don't recommend my solution. I split with my partner (not his bio father, but we'd been together 2.5 years, and were together while I was pregnant, so he is dad) who did the overnight stuff, and was the "fun" parent, so my son was waking early to spend time with him before he went to work. One week after he moved out my son was sleeping from 8pm-7am fairly consistently. He'd still wake up here and there but was easily soothed back to sleep. He's shifting back to earlier waking, but I have one of those Gro-clocks and he understands now that if he sees the blue star, it's time to stay in bed, yellow sun means you can get up.
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Jul 2, 2015 23:21
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He went to bed an hour later than normal tonight. I'm guessing he'll still wake at the same time 
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Jul 3, 2015 02:46
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Sockmuppet posted:So, my mother is dying. Soon. The doctors have given us an estimate of 1-3 months at most, and my daughter turned two years old today. In addition to the obvious pain of losing her, it breaks mine and my mothers heart that my daughter, her first and only grandchild, most likely won't have any memories of her. We're taking lots of videos and pictures. Is there any possibility of my daughter remembering anything when she's this young? I expect we'll be looking at pictures and videos and talking a lot about grandma over the next years, because she's amazing and I want my daughter to know who she was, but... Is there any hope of her retaining any actual memories? Do any of your kids remember stuff from when they were that young? My own grandmother died when I was two years old and I do have a handful of vague memories of her, so it's not completely impossible. One of them is from a few days after my second birthday. Talking a lot about grandma sounds like a great idea. And I'm so sorry for your loss
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Jul 3, 2015 03:50
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Sockmuppet posted:So, my mother is dying. Soon. The doctors have given us an estimate of 1-3 months at most, and my daughter turned two years old today. In addition to the obvious pain of losing her, it breaks mine and my mothers heart that my daughter, her first and only grandchild, most likely won't have any memories of her. We're taking lots of videos and pictures. Is there any possibility of my daughter remembering anything when she's this young? I expect we'll be looking at pictures and videos and talking a lot about grandma over the next years, because she's amazing and I want my daughter to know who she was, but... Is there any hope of her retaining any actual memories? Do any of your kids remember stuff from when they were that young? Memories from that age are rare and very fuzzy if they exist at all, so unfortunately I think it will be hard for your child to remember her directly. If you do take a lot of photos and video and make it a point to look at them together often as time passes and talk a lot about her you can still make her an influence and someone important for your child. Take full advantage of the fact that you can make videos nowadays. I am very sorry for you and your situation. I just had someone important in my life die and it was rough, I can't even imagine how hard losing your mother must be.
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Jul 3, 2015 04:18
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Consider: videos and photos can be better than memories(for a 2 year old). They'll always be clear, always the same and she can keep them forever and even share them.
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Jul 3, 2015 04:52
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Sockmuppet posted:So, my mother is dying. Soon. The doctors have given us an estimate of 1-3 months at most, and my daughter turned two years old today. In addition to the obvious pain of losing her, it breaks mine and my mothers heart that my daughter, her first and only grandchild, most likely won't have any memories of her. We're taking lots of videos and pictures. Is there any possibility of my daughter remembering anything when she's this young? I expect we'll be looking at pictures and videos and talking a lot about grandma over the next years, because she's amazing and I want my daughter to know who she was, but... Is there any hope of her retaining any actual memories? Do any of your kids remember stuff from when they were that young? I don't know about actual memories, but feelings I think. As hard as it must be at the moment if you can try and connect any mention or meeting your daughter has with your mum with happy warm feelings it might stay with her. Or I might be talking poo poo, I don't know. I'm so sorry for what you must all be going through.
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Jul 3, 2015 09:44
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I have some vague memories from when I was 2 or 3. I remember when I got my hand smashed in the car door, I remember visiting the hospital when my brother was born, I remember one time when my dad picked me up from preschool and some vagueness about the layout of my preschool. I think most of these memories were closer to 3 or at 3.
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Jul 3, 2015 12:54
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Sockmuppet posted:So, my mother is dying. Soon. The doctors have given us an estimate of 1-3 months at most, and my daughter turned two years old today. In addition to the obvious pain of losing her, it breaks mine and my mothers heart that my daughter, her first and only grandchild, most likely won't have any memories of her. We're taking lots of videos and pictures. Is there any possibility of my daughter remembering anything when she's this young? I expect we'll be looking at pictures and videos and talking a lot about grandma over the next years, because she's amazing and I want my daughter to know who she was, but... Is there any hope of her retaining any actual memories? Do any of your kids remember stuff from when they were that young? I lost my father to cancer when I was 17 (and grandparents in the years prior to that); I'm very sorry. (I couldn't possibly handle seeing/hearing any sort of recording of my father, and it's been 20 years. I have a couple cassettes of he and I singing together when I was about 5, that I'm very glad I have, even though I can't listen to them. I can't. I say this as a warning that the videos you may make for your daughter may be very rough on you to see.) As time wears on, you can sort of create memories of the memories, if you will. Talk about things you want her to remember and over time, she'll "remember" them (but it will mostly be remembering you talking about it and her brain will create the memory.) Like, with videos and pictures, her image and voice will remain fresh, and so when you say "Remember when Grammy took you to the Zoo? That was a great day! You saw the lions, etc..." She'll know what the Zoo is, and know who Grandma was, and her mind will stitch it together and make the memory, even if she can't actually remember it first hand. What will stick is that she had good experiences with her, and that Nana loved her. (Hookerbot has it right, I think.) Then, as she gets older you can tell her stories and things about your mom from before she was born and she'll have a rich impression of who she was as a person.
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Jul 3, 2015 15:14
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Alterian posted:I have some vague memories from when I was 2 or 3. I remember when I got my hand smashed in the car door, I remember visiting the hospital when my brother was born, I remember one time when my dad picked me up from preschool and some vagueness about the layout of my preschool. I think most of these memories were closer to 3 or at 3. I think if you keep talking to your kids about things and help with videos and photos, you literally help keep the memory alive and increase the chances they'll remember. Even if they don't actually remember the person, they'll do by internalizing the stories you've told them. Edit: I should have read AlistairCookie's post before posting mine. rgocs fucked around with this message at 18:04 on Jul 3, 2015 |
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Jul 3, 2015 18:01
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AlistairCookie posted:I say this as a warning that the videos you may make for your daughter may be very rough on you to see. Yeah, I'm dreading looking at them for the first time (and second and third and so on...) afterwards. I'm hoping repeat exposure and talking about her a lot might help me to deal with her death too. I have a lot of difficulty even bringing myself to get out my camera to record and take pictures in the first place, because I know that I'm not just making happy memories like when I took pictures of them together before, I'm taking pictures of my mother and my daughter together because my mother is going to die. So my husband is doing most of the filming. I have no memories from that age myself, so I'm glad to hear that something might remain with her, if not real memories, then positive associations and "memories" of the stories I tell her. Thank you all for the kind words.
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Jul 4, 2015 09:51
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Videos are good, we have one of my maternal grandmother, the only real video memory of her to exist, and in it she is recorded telling my parents they should have put their money into something else instead, which is delicious irony. We still say that phrase now and then as an inside joke.
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Jul 4, 2015 21:50
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His Divine Shadow posted:Videos are good, we have one of my maternal grandmother, the only real video memory of her to exist, and in it she is recorded telling my parents they should have put their money into something else instead, which is delicious irony. We still say that phrase now and then as an inside joke. When my maternal grandmother was having some health problems, I took my then 2 year old daughter to her house and videotaped the two of them together. I set up a camera on the dining room table and asked her to tell some of the stories she had told me growing up about her childhood. She talked for about an hour on video and it was wonderful. Today she's gone but the tape is very much cherished by our whole family.
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Jul 5, 2015 03:45
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