- Curvature of Earth
- Sep 9, 2011
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Projected cost of
invading Canada:
$900
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Out of the probably thousands of pieces of fanfiction I've forced myself to read over the past decade, there is only a single one that actually stands on its own merits as a story, and that's more because it's not really fanfiction at all and is instead a completely original story where some of the protagonists share names
Eh, the New Testament wasn't that great. Suddenly the Jews don't matter anymore? God needs his flesh-and-blood son (where did that come from!?) to die for some reason? What happened to the pile of rules God spent two whole books laying out? Did they even read the source material?
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Jun 29, 2015 05:32
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 4, 2024 04:56
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- pentyne
- Nov 7, 2012
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So, HPMOR apparently finished, and I tried reading the last chapter to figure out what happens but it made no sense at all. Can someone explain as simply as possible how the story wraps up.
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Jun 29, 2015 15:02
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- divabot
- Jun 17, 2015
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A polite little mouse!
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So, HPMOR apparently finished, and I tried reading the last chapter to figure out what happens but it made no sense at all. Can someone explain as simply as possible how the story wraps up.
Harry kills Voldemort using his partial transfiguration ability to turn spider webs into nanofilament and cut all the Death Eaters' heads off. He had the chance to do this because Voldemort was the stupid villain who didn't just shoot his enemy through the loving head when it became clear he couldn't turn him. Hermione was de-fridged by garblewharble handwave that EY made up on the spot and is now Hariezer's faithful minion. Everyone gets cryonics now. I may have missed important details, but I'm not rereading to fix them.
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Jun 29, 2015 16:55
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- Curvature of Earth
- Sep 9, 2011
-
Projected cost of
invading Canada:
$900
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Harry kills Voldemort using his partial transfiguration ability to turn spider webs into nanofilament and cut all the Death Eaters' heads off. He had the chance to do this because Voldemort was the stupid villain who didn't just shoot his enemy through the loving head when it became clear he couldn't turn him. Hermione was de-fridged by garblewharble handwave that EY made up on the spot and is now Hariezer's faithful minion. Everyone gets cryonics now. I may have missed important details, but I'm not rereading to fix them.
Axe Cop was literally written by a five year old and it was more compelling and coherent than this horseshit.
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Jun 29, 2015 17:28
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- JosephWongKS
- Apr 4, 2009
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by Nyc_Tattoo
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Chapter 13: Asking the Wrong Questions
Part 2
quote:
A thought occurred to Harry. If he had known he was going to be Obliviated...
Still in his pyjamas, Harry ran around his bed to his trunk, pressed his thumb against the lock, pulled out his pouch, stuck in his hand and said "Note to myself."
And another piece of paper popped into his hand.
Harry took it out, staring at it. It too was in his own handwriting.
The note said:
Dear Me,
Please play the game. You can only play the game once in a lifetime. This is an irreplaceable opportunity.
Recognition code 927, I am a potato.
Yours,
You.
Harry nodded slowly. "Recognition code 927, I am a potato" was indeed the message he had worked out in advance - some years earlier, while watching TV - that only he would know. If he had to identify a duplicate of himself as being really him, or something. Just in case. Be Prepared.
Is this password a reference / shout-out to something in particular?
Also, leaving behind a lol-random password to yourself seems like a pretty weak back-up plan. If someone is able to alter your memory, wouldn’t there be a fairly high chance that the culprit could also remove your memory of the password itself?
quote:
Harry couldn't trust the message, there might be other spells involved. But it ruled out any simple prank. He had definitely written this and he definitely didn't remember writing it.
Staring at the paper, Harry became aware of ink showing through from the other side.
He flipped it over.
The reverse side read:
INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE GAME:
you do not know the rules of the game
you do not know the stakes of the game
you do not know the objective of the game
you do not know who controls the game
you do not know how to end the game
You start with 100 points.
Begin.
Harry stared at the "instructions". This side wasn't handwritten; the writing was perfectly regular, hence artificial. It looked as if it had been inscribed by a Quotes Quill, such as the one he'd bought to take dictation.
He had absolutely no clue what was going on.
Well... step one was to get dressed and eat. Maybe reverse the order of that. His stomach felt rather empty.
He'd missed breakfast, of course, but he was Prepared for that eventuality, having visualised it in advance.
I would like to highlight that “Prepared” was written with a capital “P” in the original text. Then again, Harry is the type of obnoxious boy who would say it with a capital “P”, so at least this does fit with his character.
quote:
Harry put his hand into his pouch and said "Snack bars", expecting to get the box of cereal bars he'd bought before departing for Hogwarts.
What popped up did not feel like a box of cereal bars.
When Harry brought his hand into his field of vision he saw two tiny candy bars - not nearly enough for a meal - attached to a note, and the note was inscribed in the same writing as the game instructions.
The note said:
ATTEMPT FAILED: -1 POINT
CURRENT POINTS: 99
PHYSICAL STATE: STILL HUNGRY
MENTAL STATE: CONFUSED
"Gleehhhhh" Harry's mouth said without any sort of conscious intervention or decision on his part.
He stood there for around a minute.
One minute later, it still didn't make any sense and he still had absolutely no idea what was going on and his brain hadn't even begun to grasp at any hypotheses like his mental hands were encased in rubber balls and couldn't pick anything up.
MENTAL STATE: STEADILY LOSING INTEREST IN THIS OBTUSE PUZZLE
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Jun 30, 2015 04:29
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- reignonyourparade
- Nov 15, 2012
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Also, leaving behind a lol-random password to yourself seems like a pretty weak back-up plan. If someone is able to alter your memory, wouldn’t there be a fairly high chance that the culprit could also remove your memory of the password itself?[/b]
Well it's presumably the same password he previously mentioned having, and obliviation does seem to be a bit of a blunt instrument, so they'd need to go back all the way to whenever he first came up with the password and someone would notice a student suddenly losing a couple years (guesstimatinging when yud would probably have decided harry got the idea) of their memory.
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Jun 30, 2015 12:13
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- VictualSquid
- Feb 29, 2012
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Gently enveloping the target with indiscriminate love.
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Is this password a reference / shout-out to something in particular?
Also, leaving behind a lol-random password to yourself seems like a pretty weak back-up plan. If someone is able to alter your memory, wouldn’t there be a fairly high chance that the culprit could also remove your memory of the password itself?
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Jun 30, 2015 13:00
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- JosephWongKS
- Apr 4, 2009
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by Nyc_Tattoo
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Chapter 13: Asking the Wrong Questions
Part 3
quote:
His stomach, which had its own priorities, suggested a possible experimental probe.
"Ah..." Harry said to the empty room. "I don't suppose I could spend a point and get my box of cereal bars back?"
There was only silence.
Harry put his hand into the pouch and said "Box of cereal bars."
A box that felt like the right shape popped up into his hand... but it was too light, and it was open, and it was empty, and the note attached to it said:
POINTS SPENT: 1
CURRENT POINTS: 98
YOU HAVE GAINED: A BOX OF CEREAL BARS
Seems like Eliezarry is stuck in some kind of point-and-click adventure game. He should start trying to do every [VERB] with every [NOUN] and then trying to [VERB] every [NOUN] with every other [NOUN].
quote:
"I'd like to spend one point and get the actual cereal bars back," said Harry.
Again, silence.
Harry put his hand into the pouch and said "cereal bars".
Nothing came up.
Harry shrugged despairingly and went over to the cabinet he'd been given near his bed, to get his wizard's robes for the day.
On the floor of the cabinet, under his robes, were the cereal bars, and a note:
POINTS SPENT: 1
CURRENT POINTS: 97
YOU HAVE GAINED: 6 CEREAL BARS
YOU ARE STILL WEARING: PYJAMAS
DO NOT EAT WHILE YOU ARE WEARING YOUR PYJAMAS
YOU WILL GET A PYJAMA PENALTY
And now I know that whoever controls the game is insane.
"My guess is that the game is controlled by Dumbledore," Harry said out loud. Maybe this time he could set a new land speed record for being quick on the uptake.
Silence.
But Harry was starting to pick up the pattern; the note would be in the next place he looked. So Harry looked under his bed.
HA! HA HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
DUMBLEDORE DOES NOT CONTROL THE GAME
BAD GUESS
VERY BAD GUESS
-20 POINTS
AND YOU ARE STILL WEARING PYJAMAS
IT IS YOUR FOURTH MOVE
AND YOU ARE STILL WEARING PYJAMAS
PYJAMA PENALTY: -2 POINTS
CURRENT POINTS: 75
Welp, that was a puzzler, all right. It was only his first day at school and once you ruled out Dumbledore, he didn't know the name of anyone else here who was this crazy.
That ain’t right. Rich and powerful people aren’t crazy, they are eccentric.
quote:
His body more or less on autopilot, Harry gathered up a set of robes and underwear, pulled out the cavern level of his trunk (he was a very private sort of person and someone might walk into the dorm), got dressed, and then went back upstairs to put away his pyjamas.
Harry paused before pulling out the cabinet drawer that held his pyjamas. If the pattern here held true...
"How can I earn more points?" Harry said out loud.
Then he pulled out the drawer.
OPPORTUNITIES TO DO GOOD ARE EVERYWHERE
BUT DARKNESS IS WHERE THE LIGHT NEEDS TO BE
COST OF QUESTION: 1 POINT
CURRENT POINTS: 74
NICE UNDERWEAR
DID YOUR MOTHER PICK THEM OUT?
Harry crushed the note in his hand, face flaming scarlet. Draco's curse came back to him. Son of a mudblood –
It doesn’t speak well of Eliezarry that Draco’s racist epithet should be the first curse-word that comes to Eliezarry’s mind.
JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at 08:22 on Jul 2, 2015
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Jul 1, 2015 08:04
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- Tunicate
- May 15, 2012
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I like how 75-1=7.
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Jul 1, 2015 16:07
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- blackmongoose
- Mar 31, 2011
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DARK INFERNO ROOK!
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The idea is that he found a note well ahead of time he was supposed to.
I'd guess a typo in the story or the transcription is more likely, especially if this is going in the incredibly dumb direction I think it is.
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Jul 1, 2015 19:42
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- sarehu
- Apr 20, 2007
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(call/cc call/cc)
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It's 74 on fanfiction.net and hpmor.com so like does somebody need to learn how to copy/paste?
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Jul 1, 2015 23:24
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- JosephWongKS
- Apr 4, 2009
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by Nyc_Tattoo
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It's 74 on fanfiction.net and hpmor.com so like does somebody need to learn how to copy/paste?
Fixed the typo in the post above. Apologies for making the typo.
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Jul 2, 2015 08:23
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- JosephWongKS
- Apr 4, 2009
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by Nyc_Tattoo
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Chapter 13: Asking the Wrong Questions
Part 4
quote:
At this point he knew better than to say it out loud. He would probably get a Profanity Penalty.
Harry girded himself with his mokeskin pouch and wand. He peeled off the wrapper of one his cereal bars and threw it into the room's rubbish bin, where it landed atop a mostly-uneaten Chocolate Frog, a crumpled envelope and some green and red wrapping paper. He put the other cereal bars into his mokeskin pouch.
He looked around in a final, desperate, and ultimately futile search for clues.
And then Harry left the dorm, eating as he went, in search of the Slytherin dungeons. At least that was what he thought the line was about.
Trying to navigate the halls of Hogwarts was like... probably not quite as bad as wandering around inside an Escher painting, that was the sort of thing you said for rhetorical effect rather than for its being true.
A short time later, Harry was thinking that in fact an Escher painting would have both pluses and minuses compared to Hogwarts. Minuses: No consistent gravitational orientation. Pluses: At least the stairs wouldn't move around WHILE YOU WERE STILL ON THEM.
Harry had originally climbed four flights of stairs to get to his dorm. After clambering down no fewer than twelve flights of stairs without getting anywhere near the dungeons, Harry had concluded that (1) an Escher painting would be a cakewalk by comparison, (2) he was somehow higher in the castle than when he'd started, and (3) he was so thoroughly lost that he wouldn't have been surprised to look out of the next window and see two moons in the sky.
Backup plan A had been to stop and ask for directions, but there seemed to be an extreme lack of people wandering around, as if the beggars were all attending class the way they were supposed to or something.
“Beggars”? I mean, it’s not surprising that Harry would insult his classmates, but it doesn’t make sense that he’d call them “beggars” instead of e.g. “idiots” or “morons”. Harry exalts himself for his (self-perceived) superior intellect, not for his superior wealth.
quote:
Backup plan B...
"I'm lost," Harry said out loud. "Can, um, the spirit of the Hogwarts castle help me or something?"
"I don't think this castle has a spirit," observed a wizened old lady in one of the paintings on the walls. "Life, perhaps, but not spirit."
There was a brief pause.
"Are you -" Harry said, and then shut his mouth. On second thought, no he was NOT going to ask the painting whether it was fully conscious in the sense of being aware of its own awareness.
"I'm Harry Potter," said his mouth, more or less on autopilot. Also more or less automatically, Harry stuck out a hand towards the painting.
The woman in the painting looked down at Harry's hand and raised her eyebrows.
Slowly, the hand dropped back to Harry's side.
"Sorry," Harry said, "I'm sort of new here."
"So I perceive, young raven. Where are you trying to go?"
Harry hesitated. "I'm not really sure," he said.
"Then perhaps you are already there."
"Well, wherever I ]am trying to go, I don't think this is it..." Harry shut his mouth, aware of just how much he was sounding like an idiot.
That’s the highest level of self-awareness that he’s shown in the story so far. Progress!
quote:
"Let me start over. I'm playing this game only I don't know what the rules are -" That didn't really work either, did it. "Okay, third try. I'm looking for opportunities to do good so I can score points, and all I have is this cryptic hint about how darkness is where the light needs to be, so I was trying to go down but I seem to keep going up instead..."
The old lady in the painting was looking at him rather sceptically.
Harry sighed. "My life tends to get a bit peculiar."
"Would it be fair to say that you don't know where you're going or why you're trying to get there?"
"Entirely fair."
The old lady nodded. "I'm not sure that being lost is your most important problem, young man."
"True, but unlike the more important problems, it's a problem I can understand how to solve and wow is this conversation turning into a metaphor for human existence, I didn't even realise that was happening until just now."
The lady eyed Harry appraisingly. "You are a fine young raven, aren't you? For a moment I was starting to wonder. Well then, as a general rule, if you keep on turning left, you're bound to keep going down."
That sounded strangely familiar but Harry couldn't recall where he'd heard it before. "Um... you seem like a very intelligent person. Or a picture of a very intelligent person... anyway, have you heard of a mysterious game where you can only play once, and they won't tell you the rules?"
"Life," said the lady at once. "That's one of the most obvious riddles I've ever heard."
That’s a good riddle. I’ll have to try it some day.
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Jul 2, 2015 08:33
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- blackmongoose
- Mar 31, 2011
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DARK INFERNO ROOK!
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Right, it's a sensible and logical evolution of the characters and setting which could perhaps lead in interesting directions, so obviously it's going to be the ghost of Bayes or some poo poo.
Based on the recognition code, I'm pretty sure this sequence is dealing with one of the parts of the actual books that actually does deserve some mocking, only the story is using it in an even dumber way somehow. I hope I'm wrong, but all the elements fit so far
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Jul 2, 2015 15:00
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- JosephWongKS
- Apr 4, 2009
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by Nyc_Tattoo
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Chapter 13: Asking the Wrong Questions
Part 5
quote:
Harry blinked. "No," he said slowly. "I mean I got an actual note and everything saying that I had to play the game but I wouldn't be told the rules, and someone is leaving me little slips of paper telling me how many points I've lost for violating the rules, like a minus two point penalty for wearing pyjamas. Do you know anyone here at Hogwarts who's crazy enough and powerful enough to do something like that? Besides Dumbledore, I mean?"
The picture of a lady sighed. "I'm only a picture, young man. I remember Hogwarts as it was - not Hogwarts as it is. All I can tell you is that if this were a riddle, the answer would be that the game is life, and that while we do not make all the rules ourselves, the one who awards or takes points is always you. If it is not riddle but reality - then I do not know."
Harry bowed very low to the picture. "Thank you, milady."
The lady curtseyed to him. "I wish I could say that I'll remember you with fondness," she said, "but I probably won't remember you at all. Farewell, Harry Potter."
He bowed again in reply, and started to climb down the nearest flight of stairs.
What a nice, polite boy.
quote:
Four left turns later he found himself staring down a corridor that ended, abruptly, in a tumbled mound of large rocks - as if there had been a cave-in, only the surrounding walls and ceiling were intact and made of quite regular castle stones.
"All right," Harry said to the empty air, "I give up. I'm asking for another hint. How do I get to where I need to go?"
"A hint! A hint, you say?"
The excited voice came from a painting on the wall not far away, this one a portrait of a middle-aged man in the loudest pink robes that Harry had ever seen or even imagined. In the portrait he was wearing a droopy old pointed hat with a fish on it (not a drawing of a fish, mind, but a fish).
"Yes!" Harry said. "A hint! A hint, I say! Only not just any hint, I'm looking for a specific hint, it's for a game I'm playing -"
"Yes, yes! A hint for the game! You're Harry Potter, aren't you? I'm Cornelion Flubberwalt! I was told by Erin the Consort who was told by Lord Weaselnose who was told by, I forget really. But it was a message for me to give to you! For me! No one's cared about me in, I don't know how long, maybe ever, I've been stuck down here in this bloody useless old corridor - a hint! I have your hint! It will only cost you three points! Do you want it?"
"Yes! I want it!" Harry was aware that he probably ought to keep his sarcasm under control but he just couldn't seem to help himself.
"The darkness can be found between the green study rooms and McGonagall's Transfiguration class! That's the hint! And get a move on, you're slower than a sack of snails! Minus ten points for being slow! Now you have 61 points! That was the rest of the message!"
"Thank you," Harry said. He was really getting behind on the game here. "Um... I don't suppose you know where the message originally came from, do you?"
"It was spoken by a hollow voice that belled forth from a gap within the air itself, a gap that opened upon a fiery abyss! That's what they told me!"
Harry was no longer sure, at this point, whether this was the sort of thing he ought to be sceptical about, or the sort of thing he should just take in stride. "And how can I find the line between the green study rooms and Transfiguration class?"
"Just spin back around and go left, right, down, down, right, left, right, up, and left again, you'll be at the green study room and if you go in and walk straight out the opposite side you'll be on a big curvy corridor that goes to an intersection and on the right side of that intersection will be a long straight hallway that goes to the Transfiguration classroom!" The figure of the middle-aged man paused. "At least that's how it was when I was in Hogwarts. This is a Monday on an odd-numbered year, isn't it?"
"Pencil and mechanical paper," Harry said to his pouch. "Er, cancel that, paper and mechanical pencil."
He looked up. "Could you repeat that?"
After getting lost another two times, Harry felt that he was beginning to understand the basic rule for navigating the ever-changing maze that was Hogwarts, namely, ask a painting for directions. If this reflected some sort of incredibly deep life lesson he couldn't figure out what it was.
Typical man – averse to asking for directions.
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Jul 3, 2015 08:01
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- Curvature of Earth
- Sep 9, 2011
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Projected cost of
invading Canada:
$900
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That will always be the funniest part of this crap. He's writing fanfiction of fanfiction.
Like, part of me wants to go easy on him for that. Back in 2002 when I first started reading fanfiction, if you missed an episode of a show you were hosed and had to hope some weeaboo had posted a summary of it on their fansite. I never actually saw about half of the episodes of my favorite show from childhood, but between lovely fansites and lovely fanfiction I could still give you a detailed account of what happened. (It's not that hard. Most of the really popular fics in any fandom are essentially retellings of the series with the author's own spin on it, and they're lazy enough to recycle scenes from the show if they don't feel the need to change them. Read enough and, just from the overlap between all those fics, you can get a very good idea of what actually happened in the series proper.)
Then I remember that Yud isn't a young teen with dial-up internet and no income. He's a loving adult whose entire day is free time and can afford whatever media he wants. Suck it up and read the source material you poo poo.
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Jul 3, 2015 18:32
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- divabot
- Jun 17, 2015
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A polite little mouse!
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I can't find the quote without putting in actual effort or something, but if I recall correctly, EY read the first four books, started on the fifth, decided it was poo poo and didn't continue. A decision I fully concur with, though it presents obvious problems in then basing a fanfic on the series, problems that did actually bite him on the arse later on (aggrieved nerds complaining he got Lily and Snape's relationship TOTALLY WRONG it's WRONG you got it WRONG WRONG WRONG).
I've found three bits of actual press coverage so far (Atlantic 2011, Washington bloody Post 2015, and Vice 2015), which gives me the horrifying thought that a Wikipedia article on this creature might survive. Though the Vice 2015 article is totally worth your time to read, for the explicit repeated comparisons between LessWrong/MIRI/CFAR and Scientology, which would be a delight to put into Wikipedia.
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Jul 3, 2015 19:34
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- Hyper Crab Tank
- Feb 10, 2014
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The 16-bit retro-future of crustacean-based transportation
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It's not like HPMOR follows much, if any, of the canon anyway. (And when it does, it does it in the most horrible way possible.)
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Jul 3, 2015 19:50
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- kvx687
- Dec 29, 2009
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Soiled Meat
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I can't find the quote without putting in actual effort or something, but if I recall correctly, EY read the first four books, started on the fifth, decided it was poo poo and didn't continue. A decision I fully concur with, though it presents obvious problems in then basing a fanfic on the series, problems that did actually bite him on the arse later on (aggrieved nerds complaining he got Lily and Snape's relationship TOTALLY WRONG it's WRONG you got it WRONG WRONG WRONG).
If I remember correctly, he only got halfway through the second book before quitting, and even that was halfway through writing his story; when he started, he was going entirely off of Wikipedia and his correspondence with his followers.
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Jul 3, 2015 23:34
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- divabot
- Jun 17, 2015
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A polite little mouse!
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If I remember correctly, he only got halfway through the second book before quitting, and even that was halfway through writing his story; when he started, he was going entirely off of Wikipedia and his correspondence with his followers.
It's somewhere on LessWrong, but I can't remember precisely either. I recall something about him doing his research on the Harry Potter Wikia, which is obviously a vastly better source than the actual source texts.
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Jul 4, 2015 00:55
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- HIJK
- Nov 25, 2012
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in the room where you sleep
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Soooo, considering Less Wrong and all that isn't this stupid test subtext for how Harry and the audience are being eaten by a giant overlord hell computer?
Also EY is such a goddamned moron for believing that's a real thing, but the delusion is also really funny. I'm torn.
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Jul 4, 2015 02:10
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- Fajita Queen
- Jun 21, 2012
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Eh, the New Testament wasn't that great. Suddenly the Jews don't matter anymore? God needs his flesh-and-blood son (where did that come from!?) to die for some reason? What happened to the pile of rules God spent two whole books laying out? Did they even read the source material?
I laughed harder at this than I've laughed at anything in an extremely long time, so thanks for that.
What I was referring to was this, which is basically historical fiction of the Roman empire and the rise of Caesar with anime stickers on it. I like it because I loving love Rome, but it's also really well-written, even considering that it's fanfiction.
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Jul 6, 2015 04:31
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- JosephWongKS
- Apr 4, 2009
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by Nyc_Tattoo
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Chapter 13: Asking the Wrong Questions
Part 6
quote:
The green study room was a surprisingly pleasant space with sunlight streaming in from windows of green-stained glass that showed dragons in calm, pastoral scenes. It had chairs that looked extremely comfortable, and tables that seemed very well-suited to studying in the company of one to three friends.
Harry couldn't actually walk straight through and out the door on the other side. There were bookshelves set into the wall, and he had to go over and read some of the titles, so as to not lose his claim to the Verres family name. But he did it quickly, mindful of the complaint about being slow, and then went out the other side.
He was walking down the "big curvy corridor" when he heard a young boy's voice cry out.
At times like this, Harry had an excuse to sprint all-out with no regards for saving energy or doing proper warmup exercises or worrying about crashing into things, a sudden frantic flight that nearly came to an equally sudden halt as he almost ran over a group of six first-year Hufflepuffs...
...who were huddled together, looking rather scared and like they desperately wanted to do something but couldn't figure out what, which probably had something to do with the group of five older Slytherins who seemed to be surrounding another young boy.
Harry was suddenly rather angry.
"Excuse me! " shouted Harry at the top of his lungs.
It might not have been necessary. People were already looking at him. But it certainly served to stop all the action cold.
Harry walked past the cluster of Hufflepuffs towards the Slytherins.
They looked down at him with expressions that ranged from anger to amusement to delight.
Part of Harry's brain was screaming in panic that these were much older and bigger boys who could stomp him flat.
Another part said dryly that anyone caught seriously stomping the Boy-Who-Lived was in for a whole world of trouble, especially if they were a pack of older Slytherins and there were seven Hufflepuffs who saw it, and that the chance of them doing him any permanent damage in the presence of witnesses was nearly zero. The only real weapon the older boys had against him was his own fear, if he allowed that.
Then Harry saw that the boy they had trapped was Neville Longbottom.
Of course.
That settled it. Harry had decided to apologise humbly to Neville and that meant Neville was his, how dare they?
“I am not Dark Lord material!” said the Boy-Who-Claims-Ownership-Over-People.
quote:
Harry reached out and grabbed Neville by the wrist and yanked him out from between the Slytherins, the boy stumbling in shock as Harry pulled him out and in nearly the same motion pushed his own way through the same gap.
And Harry stood in the center of the Slytherins where Neville had stood, looking up at the much older, larger, and stronger boys.
"Hello," Harry said. "I'm the Boy-Who-Lived."
There was a rather awkward pause. No one seemed to know where the conversation was supposed to go from there.
Harry's eyes dropped downwards and saw some books and papers scattered around the floor. Oh, the old game where you let the boy try to pick up his books and then knock them out of his hand again. Harry couldn't remember ever being the object of that game himself,
Only because Harry had left the formal schooling system at the earliest opportunity. If he’d remained, there’s no way that an insufferable prat like Harry wouldn’t have been the target of bullying.
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but he had a good imagination and his imagination was making him furious. Well, once the larger situation was resolved it would be easy enough for Neville to come back and pick up his materials, provided that the Slytherins stayed too intent on him to think of doing anything to the books.
Unfortunately his straying eyes had been noted. "Ooh," said the largest of the boys, "did 'oo want the widdle books -"
"Shut up," Harry said coldly. Keep them off balance. Don't do what they expect. Don't fall into a pattern that calls for them to bully you. "Is this part of some incredibly clever plan that will gain you future advantage, or is it as pointless a disgrace to the name of Salazar Slytherin as it -"
The largest boy shoved Harry Potter hard, and he went sprawling out of the circle of Slytherins onto the hard stone floor of Hogwarts.
And the Slytherins laughed.
That was indeed pretty funny.
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Jul 6, 2015 05:36
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- there wolf
- Jan 11, 2015
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by Fluffdaddy
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quote:That settled it. Harry had decided to apologise humbly to Neville and that meant Neville was his, how dare they?
Harry Potter-Evans-Verres in slash fanfiction.
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Jul 6, 2015 06:01
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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May 4, 2024 04:56
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- JosephWongKS
- Apr 4, 2009
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by Nyc_Tattoo
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Chapter 13: Asking the Wrong Questions
Part 7
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Harry rose up in what seemed to him like terribly slow motion. He didn't know yet how to use his wand, but there was no reason to let that stop him, under the circumstances.
"I'd like to pay as many points as it takes to get rid of this person," Harry said, pointing with his finger to the largest Slytherin.
Then Harry lifted his other hand, said "Abracadabra," and snapped his fingers.
At the word Abracadabra two of the Hufflepuffs screamed, including Neville, three other Slytherins leapt desperately out of the way of Harry's finger, and the largest Slytherin staggered back with an expression of shock, a sudden splash of red decorating his face and neck and chest.
Harry had not been expecting that.
Slowly, the largest Slytherin reached up to his head, and peeled off the pan of cherry pie that had just draped itself over him. The largest Slytherin held the pan in his hand for a moment, staring at it, then dropped it to the floor.
Decent bit of misdirection there.
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It probably wasn't the best time in the world for one of the Hufflepuffs to start laughing, but that was exactly what one of the Hufflepuffs was doing.
Then Harry caught sight of the note on the bottom of the pan.
"Hold on," Harry said, and darted forward to pick up the note. "This note's for me, I think -"
"You," growled the largest Slytherin, "you, are, going, to -"
"Look at this!" shouted Harry, brandishing the note at the older Slytherin. "I mean, just look at this! Can you believe I'm being charged 30 points for shipping and handling on one lousy pie? 30 points! I'm turning a loss on the deal even after rescuing an innocent boy in distress! And storage fees? Conveyance charges? Drayage costs? How do you get drayage costs on a pie? "
Eliezarry’s thinking about the original meaning of “drayage”, which is “to transport by a dray (sideless cart) pulled by horses”.
However, nowadays “drayage” simply means “the transport of goods over a short distance” or in some contexts, the more specific meaning of "a truck pickup from or delivery to a seaport, border point, inland port, or intermodal terminal with both the trip origin and destination in the same urban area". As such, it is entirely possible to incur drayage costs on the delivery of a pie.
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There was another one of those awkward pauses. Harry thought deadly thoughts at whichever Hufflepuff couldn't seem to stop giggling, that idiot was going to get him hurt.
Harry stepped back and shot the Slytherins his best lethal glare. "Now go away or I will just keep making your existence more and more surreal until you do. Let me warn you... messing with my life tends to make your life... a little hairy. Get it?"
In a single terrible motion, the largest Slytherin whipped his wand out to point at Harry and in the same instant was hit on the other side of his head by another pie, this one bright blueberry.
The note on this pie was rather large and clearly readable. "You might want to read the note on that pie," Harry observed. "I think it's for you this time."
The Slytherin slowly reached up, took the pie pan, turned it over with a wet glop that dropped more blueberry on the floor, and read a note that said:
WARNING
NO MAGIC MAY BE USED ON THE CONTESTANT
WHILE THE GAME IS IN PROGRESS
FURTHER INTERFERENCE IN THE GAME
WILL BE REPORTED TO THE GAME AUTHORITIES
The expression of sheer bafflement on the Slytherin's face was a look of art. Harry thought that he might be starting to like this Game Controller.
"Look," Harry said, "you want to call it a day? I think things are spiralling out of control here. How about you go back to Slytherin and I go back to Ravenclaw and we all just cool down a bit, okay?"
"I've got a better idea," hissed the largest Slytherin. "How about if you accidentally break all your fingers?"
"How in Merlin's name do you stage a believable accident after making the threat in front of a dozen witnesses, you idiot -"
The largest Slytherin slowly, deliberately reached out towards Harry's hands, and Harry froze in place, the part of his brain that was noticing the other boy's age and strength finally managing to make itself heard, screaming, WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?
I don’t believe that Eliezer will actually let his author avatar get hurt for even the briefest moment, but I’m willing to give him props if he does.
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Jul 7, 2015 07:47
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Jun 29, 2015 05:32
-atarians for every dollar donated. PLEASE GIVE SO THAT THEY MAY GO. 