r00tn00b posted:

Yes just two kids, and yeah around 1000 a month.

Yeah I think her plan is to go for the kids, I really can't go into because of legal reasons (lawyer advice to not put it in a public place) but I have a pretty solid argument for child custody if she doesn't want to be civil about it. She knows what she did and if she is delusional enough to try and fight me I will take my kids from her. even as a stay at home mother I paid for child care because she didn't want to take care of them full time. And even for doctors appointments I would have to call off work to take the kids to the doctor. if they got sick it was my fault so I had to call off work to take care of them. I am the primary care giver for my children. full time job or not.

I have them today and my youngest son has a diaper rash that makes me cringe and he is uses the potty at my house not a diaper, and my older son is covered head to toe in bug bites, 10-20 of them it looks like he sleeps in spiders. which is just odd because these people live in a really nice house in a rich part of town. Pictures taken, things documented. They do a lot of sit down and watch TV parenting over there from what my son says and she spends a lot of time on her computer.


I know typing that out makes me wanting to work things out seem less and less like something I should even want to do, I can read what I say. You don't have to point it out.

something clever posted:

I feel so sorry for these kids. It sounds like an awful household for them to have grown up in and a terrible situation for them now. You should give them up for foster care. The way you have came across makes you seem like such a loser. Way to "document" your children's neglect instead of manning up and doing something about it immediately. You are a horrible example of a parent and I hope the court takes both of your custody rights away.

January posted:

Documenting his children's apparent neglect is one of the wisest things OP has done so far. He can't just take them away, but he can prepare for the future when he can try to get full custody.

What is up with you putting the kids in child care so she could stay at home and neither work nor take care of the children? The whole point of being a stay-at-home mother is because you want to take care of the children. And then you leaving work to take care of them when they were sick or had appointments? That is so bizarre.

Is she a trophy wife? Someone who is "way out of your league" physically? I can't help but be curious what it is about your wife that is so great that she could get away with not contributing equally to the household by any stretch of the imagination, and you were willing to reconcile with her after everything else she did.

This lady is starting to remind me more and more of #6 from the anonymous E/N thread.

Murphy Brownback posted:

What exactly do you expect him to do about it "immediately"? You can't just kick down the door and take them to safety...unless your goal is to go to prison for kidnapping. Documenting and reporting is really the only thing he can be doing without breaking the law.

The guy is a bit of a mess but he seems to be following the advice of his lawyer for the most part, which is pretty much the only advice he should even be listening to right now.

something clever posted:

I don't care what he does "immediately". I am referring to the situation as a whole. It appears that this entire marriage and relationship has been awful and the kids have not been brought up in a positive nurturing environment, based on his previous posts. This guy is a complete doormat and never seemed to raise his children in an environment where both parents were totally involved and acting as partners. Hence, why I think they would bey best served being raised by others. This guy is a loser.

something clever posted:

I don't care what he does "immediately". I am referring to the situation as a whole. It appears that this entire marriage and relationship has been awful and the kids have not been brought up in a positive nurturing environment, based on his previous posts. This guy is a complete doormat and never seemed to raise his children in an environment where both parents were totally involved and acting as partners. Hence, why I think they would be best served being raised by others. This guy is a loser.

Prester John posted:

I still believed in Jesus at the time and used to beg him often to "fix mommy", and for a while I really believed my prayers had been answered. At the time it was late November and my constant fighting with my mother had paid off. I had united my siblings against her and forced my father to finally start showing some backbone and challenging her irrational behavior. I had also secretly taped some of her narcissistic rages, and though I had hidden the tape well, I had left the camera I had used to be found. The holidays were coming up and during a private but very heated argument I was begging my mother to please not pick fights with my siblings during the upcoming holidays. In the middle of my mother's usual screaming tirade she suddenly calmed down and fixed me with a sweet smile and asked if I wanted a sweet family Christmas. I told her yes, of course. She then with the biggest smile told me that just for me, we would have a happy family holidays, but it would "just be pretend".

Nearly overnight she became a kind and loving mother. We went from being starved for attention to being showered with it. there were no massive fights, no bizarre fits over small infractions. Arguments were resolved peaably. The house calmed down. During this time, every so often, when it was just me and her, my mother would say bizarre things to me. "Remember Prester, this is just Pretend Mommy". She would say as I cleared the dinner table. "Pretend Mommy is just for you Prestor, I hope you enjoy her while she is visiting" she remarked to me during a private moment of my birthday party. I didn't know what she meant, I was just so happy that my prayers had been answered and mommy was fixed.

I remember that Christmas, we were awoken to a special candlelight breakfast. My mother waited on us all hand and foot the entire day, and everyone was so happy. My father kept us laughing, we sang carols and shared three gigantic meals together. I thanked Jesus over and over again in my heart. That night I received as many presents as my siblings (the first time since I had become the scapegoat, my gifts were often small, unwrapped, or sometimes I was simply overlooked without an explanation.) I was included in the family Christmas photo (I was often forgotten when it came time to take family photo's and many of the family pictures on the walls were without. me) I was so happy, the day passed so peaceably and so pleasantly. Right before bed my mother caught me alone and once again reminded me "This is only pretend".

But aside from her strange remark I was so happy, I felt so safe and protected. I remember sitting up on the couch late that night, after everyone had gone to sleep. I was siping eggnog and watching the light from scented candles dance on the wall. I remember thanking Jesus over and over for fixing Mommy, for making our family happy. I really felt like a loving creator existed and really would answer prayers. About a week later, just before bedtime, I was sitting aone in the living room reading a novel. My Mother walked in, and grinning widely, told me "Pretend Mommy is leaving now Prester, I hope you enjoyed her."

The next morning homeschool was suddenly back in session. The four of us kids were awoken at 5:30 in the morning with shouting. We were told that we had been bad and school had been out of session because we were bad, so now school was starting special at 6:30 this morning to make up for it. Soon the entire family was sitting in the schoolroom under the watchful glare of my mother. Even my father was there. (At the time he was self employed and used that as an excuse to stay away from home as much as possible. This morning my mother had forced him to sit there in the school room as her on call enforcer, and he quietly called his customers and handled business while we all worked. At the same time a new system of tracking our chores and behavior was introduced, and it was the most insane one yet.

Murphy Brownback posted:

You said "Way to "document" your children's neglect instead of manning up and doing something about it immediately".

Do you really think they'd fare better in the foster care system? Should all children of divorce be shipped off to foster care because the parents "weren't totally involved and acting as partners"?

something clever posted:

I was looking at it from a higher level. Not the documenting of this one issue, more so of the other issues he mentioned of her behavior in the past and his lazily accepting those issues with the kids. I misspoke. He should have done something "immediately" in the past when he knew this was going on. For him to bring this up now instead of them shows how weak willed he is. Most of the time en posts do not really affect me one way or another, but I really do feel for this guys kids. Yes the mother sounds like a nightmare, but he also sounds like a pretty bad parental role model.

r00tn00b posted:

I am always there for my kids. They are the reason a get up in the morning. They are why I go on. My kids know love from me more than you could know. I keep them out of arguments. I keep them from her crazy as best as I can. I know you only know of me from this thread but for you to make that judgement is way out of line.

r00tn00b posted:

I just dropped my kids off, the way they handle this situation infuriates me. We are not greeted my someone to take the kids, they are sent up to the door to be let in by someone who just slightly cracks the door and goes away. they let themselves in and then it is immediately bolted behind the kids. I am to leave their belongings on the walk and then to leave. The situation causes so much anxiety in my older son that as we got closer and close to the house he got more and more upset and actually got a headache from this. I expressed this concern to her step dad who brushed it off and said it was my fault. I am treated like a monster by these people and its demeaning to me and it is borderline child abuse to the kids to be treated this way. I wish i had the money to take this to court right now but I don't and I'm still a ways off. I am just sitting here shaking from how upset it makes me, stomach turning and an uneasy feeling.

tl;dr kid exchanges treated like hostage situation. Very upsetting to some involved.

r00tn00b posted:

I just dropped my kids off, the way they handle this situation infuriates me. We are not greeted my someone to take the kids, they are sent up to the door to be let in by someone who just slightly cracks the door and goes away. they let themselves in and then it is immediately bolted behind the kids. I am to leave their belongings on the walk and then to leave. The situation causes so much anxiety in my older son that as we got closer and close to the house he got more and more upset and actually got a headache from this. I expressed this concern to her step dad who brushed it off and said it was my fault. I am treated like a monster by these people and its demeaning to me and it is borderline child abuse to the kids to be treated this way. I wish i had the money to take this to court right now but I don't and I'm still a ways off. I am just sitting here shaking from how upset it makes me, stomach turning and an uneasy feeling.

tl;dr kid exchanges treated like hostage situation. Very upsetting to some involved.

Chicken Butt posted:

Re the dropoff situation: short of a court order, you can't control what other people do. So your job here is to de-escalate the kids' anxiety. As best you can, make light of the crazy hostage-exchange atmosphere. Don't dwell on it, and direct the conversation to happy topics. Try not to let them see that it upsets you.

I'm all in favor of honesty with kids, but there are certain situations -- like when you have a kid who's having physical stress symptoms -- when some strategic acting and stiff-upper-lipping is required.

There are appropriate places and times to discuss these things more honestly with your kids -- in safe & calm environments, such as in a therapist's office, or when snuggled up on the couch. Not while in the car with the stressful situation looming.

And talk to your lawyer to see if you have any options to get a court to specify the logistics of the child exchanges.

r00tn00b posted:

Well I plan on getting 50% custody of my kids so child support isn't a thing. Barring that I am only having issues ATM because I'm paying Rent and a mortgage so cash is short.

I pay for everything else because I have to, I cannot retaliate in any way and taking away her cell phone and other things is considered retaliation. I am also still her husband and as she is my dependent (yay) I am required by law to provide insurance.

Prester John posted:

I haven;t read the whole thread but I think I recognize what is going on here. OP, your wife is almost certainly a full blown narcissist. You need to seek therapy now, you have been subjected to narcissistic abuse and your sense of self identity is likely shattered. There is no hope for reconciliation with your wife, she does not love you. She never loved you. She does not love your children. She cannot and will not ever love your children. You have been her pawn from the word go, and now that she is tired of you she is disposing of you.

Your wife has studied you like a predator studies prey the entire time you have known her. She knows you far better than you know yourself, and she has put into place ambushes for any action she can imagine you taking against her. Your only hope is to follow the law to the letter and do nothing that your lawyer does not explicitly tell you to do.

Your wife's downfall will be the web of lies she will weave. Her lies will be easily detected if you keep your poo poo together because she expects you to fall the gently caress apart and she will do anything anything [iu]ANYTHING[/u] she thinks will help her achieve that goal. Your wife does not have empathy and she does not think like you do. She thinks only in cold calculating hate filled terms and she has had years to learn how to keep you under her control and jump at her command. You can only win if you keep your poo poo together, but if you do, you will win by default. Her lies will resemble nothing like reality and once you prove that, she is the one who will fall the gently caress apart. But you gotta get your head into this game first.

The path in front of you is going to be stunningly painful and it is not fair. But you have children and for their sake you need to suffer through this. As bad as your pain is now, what your children face is much much worse. I had a full blown narcissist for a mother and a father that had checked out and left her to do what she would. You cannot imagine the nightmare.


For the sake of your kids you need to take this seriously OP. I would suggest seeking therapy ASAP. And most importantly, do not do one drat thing that your lawyer would not approve of.. Ever Ever Ever Ever. This woman can read and anticipate you, and she has a vested interest in seeing you fall. This is not a psychotic break on her part, this is a calculated plan being put into action. She intends to see this through, and if you keep not falling apart SHE WILL set traps to trip you up.

Prester John posted:

I just want to add sweetie that this situation is not your fault, it really isn't. But it is your problem. I know how much the path ahead of you hurts and I know how painful figuring out the truth of your relationship with this woman will be, but you gotta find a way through it. For your children's sake.

Once again sweetie, I really really really strongly suggest seeking out counseling/therapy and reading up on narcissism. You face and impossibly unfair situation but you can get through this.

InvisibleMonkey posted:

Just pointing out the insanity of these posts.

Ciprian Maricon posted:

r00tn00b posted:

It did, but you know what they say. Hind sight is 20/20. I still wanted things to work and I was and am still in love with the person, my feels arent going to change for a while and I am dealing with that.

JakeP posted:

How do you love a person who is putting your kids through this the way she is though.

r00tn00b posted:

It did, but you know what they say. Hind sight is 20/20. I still wanted things to work and I was and am still in love with the person, my feels arent going to change for a while and I am dealing with that.

r00tn00b posted:

I guess I am in love with the woman I married. Not the person she is now. I still remember how she was and want that person back.

Prester John posted:

The woman you fell in love with never existed. the woman you fell in love with was a consciously created mask, tailored specifically to appeal to you once she identified you as a person she could gain control of. I know how very very much reading this hurts, and how much pain is going to be involved when you start to come to grips with this, but it is the truth. The whirlwind romance, the intense and constant sex in the early days, the intimate way she just "got" you was all just a lie to lure you into her control. It was never real. Nothing about here is real, and nothing about her has ever been real. She is a predator and you have been her prey since the first time she batted her eyes at you.

This situation is completely unfair and you are going to spend a bunch of time doubting your grip on reality as you work through this. Truth is though, she has spent years purposefully confusing your grip on reality, and the sooner you start working through that, the better for your kids.

the abusive neglect of your children is nothing new and a part of knows it, no matter how deeply in denial you are.


As harsh as that talk is sweetie, I really do care. Please, please, get a counselor/therapist asap.

InvisibleMonkey posted:

Just pointing out the insanity of these posts.