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LCL-Dead posted:My favorite was this kid we had who was a mechanic and never left the base, but would buy up every piece of SpecOps gear that the PX had. If he couldn't find a place to fit it to his flak or rifle he'd literally sew something together into a drop rig or some random rear end poo poo. Then, at night, he'd get on the spawar phone with whatever he'd left back in the states and yell at her for doing things like getting an oil change or buying a movie, etc, before going off on her about how he was over there watching his friends die and just trying to survive. It was lulz worthy until he broke a river city and called home to tell her that we'd lost an entire tank crew to a canal flip and then started going on about how he was there for the ensuing ambush and had killed a dozen or so jihadi's. and this kid.... was you!
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Jul 1, 2015 15:59
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terrez posted:I'm the idiot Easily the gooniest idiot story posted here, and it's about yourself. Congratulations.
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Jul 1, 2015 16:06
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I do love someone who's in telling some wild poo poo. My wife was going to school with this fairly young woman and she had an equally young husband. I met him once, saddest little grunt you've ever seen, must've been about 120 pounds. Looked terrified just to be out in the sunshine. So, grunts wife comes to school with a shiner, my wife is like what the gently caress, so out comes the river of bullshit that he fed to her. When he went to Germany, he had to stay 2 years because he went through SF training. He was totally 18 series guys. When he deployed to Kuwait, he LITERALLY KILLED over 400 dudes WITH HIS BARE HANDS. His PTSD gets out of hand some times, particularly when they have an argument that he's not winning. Yet now he's in 3rd ID doing bitch details all day. As a 5 year specialist. I pointed out to her that no one has ever killed over 400 dudes with his bare hands, and he'd have the loving MoH about 7 times if he did. Looked up on my phone a citation for a silver star with valor of a dude who went hand to hand in Iraq, went to push the other dude's eyeballs into his skull, pussed out, so instead beat him to death with his helmet. Showed her that there's no SF school in Germany, that her husband doesn't speak any foreign language, and he's just a little bitch that likes to beat women because he's a failure at life. Showed her how to read an ERB, so she could go home and verify his bullshit. Pretty sure she's still with him, even after he got a few months later and went back to Texas (I think). gently caress knows the stories he tells down the local Walmart now.
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Jul 1, 2015 16:07
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Air Wing try-hards were the loving worst. When I joined up I wanted to be super-death-marine-oorah poo poo, but my older brother talked me in to taking an Air Wing billet instead after he had a handful of infantry/motor-pool guys he knew tell me in detail how much that poo poo sucked and it brought me back to reality. People ask me how I was an active duty Marine from 01 to 08 without ever being in Iraq or Afghanistan, I always reply "I spent a few weeks on a boat and a few on Guam and all I got was free college, please respect my sacrifice". That's the Air Wing, that's why it's great, it's where the God-Kings of POG-dom reign. But the guys who think the EGA they got in boot makes them a real life GI Joe when their job is to chamois the fuckin CH-46's instrument panel after the nugget 1lt barfs on them are the worst loving jackasses. Most pilots in the Marines, aside from the short ones, who are always loving assholes, are normally chill dudes who just want to fly their machine and not have it try to kill them because of some poo poo the enlisted guys did or did not do. Prove to them you aren't going to get them killed and they pretty much leave you alone, prove you're not going to let someone else get them killed and they will bring you a six pack of some officer craft beer that your dirty enlisted lips should thank God for being able to sip. Rock your low-reg with pride, show up in boots that aren't from the same manufacturer and see if anyone notices and look at people funny when they address you as "Marine". It's the loving Air Wing, the slogan for the loving place ought to be "Just try not to break anything". There's a chance your squadron's XO lost the PFT scores and gave everyone a 270-300 score based on who likes the same baseball team he likes. Just never be that guy who thinks the EGA on your hat means anything other than you have to show up for the goddamed birthday ball in blues and try to finger bang some SNCO's college-aged daughter in the hot tub at the Super 8 motel.
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Jul 1, 2015 16:28
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Kung Fu Fist gently caress posted:and this kid.... was you! You got me, I have been discovered and shall now hang my head in shame. Booblord Zagats posted:Air Wing try-hards were the loving worst. You guys are good for a laugh though. Now that I work on Cherry Point I see some of the most motivated fucks I've ever seen in my life and they never cease to entertain. How is it possible to not break something on the 46 though? From what I understand that thing was a flying roll of duct tape.
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Jul 1, 2015 18:34
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LCL-Dead posted:You got me, I have been discovered and shall now hang my head in shame. I spent the majority of my time on the 53, I only used the 46 as an example because those and Harriers seemed to have the most "motivated" Marines who somehow had no loving clue how to do anything other than chew skoal and lose bar fights. My sole experience with the 46 was a short flight on one where I saw two random hydraulic lines spewing fluid like some helicopter bukkake
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Jul 1, 2015 18:41
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I'm a NG turd signal POG, had a sweet gig setting up satellite antennas as a contractor, worked with the Marines, and though they were signal turds just like me, they tried every loving day to pretend that they all wanted to be infantry, but "their scores were too high." I tried not to roll my eyes too hard, because hey, what do I know about Marine enlistment, and I just drove on watching movies, playing games, and collecting a paycheck to watch the office overnight. I would try to engage them in some free lessons on how to fix the poo poo, but none of them cared. I was literally giving them free training for poo poo that could get them six figures the instant they got out, with credentials they already had, and they didn't want to listen, because "hur-dur Army soft!" One of them tried to add me on LinkedIn, this idiot that kept blowing off my advice who now works as a loving AC tech. gently caress 'em all.
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Jul 1, 2015 18:42
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I tell people straight up: if I wasn't a couple years early before the air force lifted it's age maximum age requirement, I would've been there instead of dumb gently caress army. I ended up being 2 different breeds of combat arms stupid, and I tell people I would've gone the most poguey of pogue intel / satcomms / whatever if I was a citizen when I joined up. Combat arms is a chicken poo poo outfit that doesn't do anything a couple days of real training a cook couldn't do. I nearly actually made it to pogueland but combat arms fuckin' idiots tried to kill me with their stupid and nearly succeeded. Now I'm broken as gently caress and live off disney disability fun bucks. So I'm the idiot because I joined up. I do, however, try and discourage everyone I possibly can from joining the army, which I consider a community service.
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Jul 1, 2015 19:03
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If I could go back and do it again I'd laugh at my recruiter until he gave me an air crew job guaranteed on paper. I never would have gone infantry knowing what I know now. And my loving parents even begged me to go air wing.. LCL-Dead fucked around with this message at 19:14 on Jul 1, 2015 |
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Jul 1, 2015 19:11
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LCL-Dead posted:If I could go back and do it again I'd laugh at my recruiter until he gave me an air crew job guarantee on paper. I never would have gone infantry knowing what I know now. Yeah, I no-poo poo owe my older brother a lot. He pulled every imaginable string to get me to not sign the contract I was going to despite what I thought would be the best career path for myself (motor-T in an infantry unit), so instead of a hosed up set of knees and back, I just got a tan and drunk
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Jul 1, 2015 19:17
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I tried to do EPLD before they booted me out on medical but our career planner was gone 90% of the time for appointments. The word at the time was that VMU was open to taking EPLD Marines since it was a low impact unit. At least then I would have been flying the larger drones and actually establishing a set of skills that's useful.
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Jul 1, 2015 19:51
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LCL-Dead posted:Downhill? When I was going through boot and we got our loaner DI from the DI school for the crucible he fell out on the first forced march out past the rifle range. This was back in 05. I'll just chalk it up to being ~lucky~ then when I went through in 04. It seemed like there was an effort made towards quality, and a good four of the guys I served with over the years that were definitely not fuckbags went on to graduate from DI school. Guess I need to ask them for horror stories about "the ones that slip through."
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Jul 2, 2015 02:03
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Victor Vermis posted:Did the opposite. Between cases of Korean energy drinks and cartons of Seven Stars, the amount of cash I dropped on the region was second only to the fat stacks Uncle Sugar rained on its mud farmers for their mud-based projects. Walking around the civil affairs dudes inspecting mud infrastructure improvements was one of the funnier parts of Afghanistan.
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Jul 2, 2015 02:21
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I made the mistake of joining the Army instead of the Air Force. Didn't go infantry cause I knew better and didn't want to break myself that quickly, but came in as an S1, which I was good at (because I have an IQ above room temperature) but slowly wanted to end my life through excessive alcohol abuse. Then I switched to Broadcast Journalism, and life is so much better. It's almost Air Force. I'm currently in Honduras, in a Joint Command, but we report to AFN Europe, who has zero visibility of what we do. I wear a polo and khakis as my 'duty uniform'. After PT (on my own), I roll into work around 10 or 10:30 (depending on when I wake up from my morning nap/Witcher 3 sesh) and then gently caress around until I do radio from 1-5pm, then promptly switch it to AFN Freedom or some satellite garbage and go home. I'm slowly learning from my mistakes, 9 years on. The 9 years on shows that even with the positive moves, I'm still the Idiot.
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Jul 2, 2015 03:07
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Honestly that sounds like a pretty chill way to do 20 years.
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Jul 2, 2015 03:39
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thetechnoloser posted:I made the mistake of joining the Army instead of the Air Force. Didn't go infantry cause I knew better and didn't want to break myself that quickly, but came in as an S1, which I was good at (because I have an IQ above room temperature) but slowly wanted to end my life through excessive alcohol abuse. dude thats chill as gently caress nice
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Jul 2, 2015 16:48
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Wasn't there some dude on here a while back who did his 20 as services in the air force? Like, dude was chilling at gyms and poo poo for 20 years? That's pro level poo poo right there.
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Jul 2, 2015 16:54
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not caring here posted:Wasn't there some dude on here a while back who did his 20 as services in the air force? Like, dude was chilling at gyms and poo poo for 20 years? Air force if the way to go. My cousin has just gone 22 years in, flew for the Roulettes ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roulettes), flew as an instructor for seven years, finally made rank and flies C5s we leased form you hauling trash/tanks/choppers about and pops in home to gay sex his boyfriend constantly. Is thinking about retiring to fly QANTAS widebodies for six figures a year while gay sexing stewards. That's the poo poo, right there...
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Jul 2, 2015 17:22
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Here's a fun one from 1994quote:The defendant, Sgt. Stephen Schap, 26, of Baltimore, figured out his wife, Diane, was pregnant by Glover. Schap found Glover at a telephone booth talking to Schap's wife, who was in the hospital with a pregnancy problem.
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Jul 6, 2015 14:40
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How do you kick someone's head off and still leave it recognizable to take to your wife?
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Jul 6, 2015 15:00
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Cojawfee posted:How do you kick someone's head off and still leave it recognizable to take to your wife? Bladed boots aimed right below the jaw line. Don't act like you didn't do this to ~insurgents~ all the time. This is a safe space.
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Jul 6, 2015 15:02
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quote:Diane Schap, 26, also of Baltimore, testified Wednesday that her husband came into her hospital room with Glover's head and said: "Look, Diane, Glover's here. He'll sleep with you every night, only you won't sleep at night."  Wait, so who's the idiot in this story? The guy who cuckolded a psychopath, right?
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Jul 6, 2015 15:03
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at the date posted:
Last paragraph. quote:Defense lawyer David Court said in his closing argument Friday that Schap was so devoted to his wife that he had a vasectomy three years ago after she had three miscarriages and he did not want to cause her more pain. The idiot is hubby whose wife had mysteriously had three miscarriages  and he valiantly vasectomied himself so he continue business as usual.
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Jul 6, 2015 15:39
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Guess what brand of gym bag he used to carry the head to the hospital... 
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Jul 6, 2015 15:39
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There's a guy in the canyoneering community who is former Army, a longtime climbing guide who now teaches technical rope courses. He he likes to share a story about when he went once to teach a free rappelling and climbing class to some ROTC dudes at a nearby college. They wanted some instruction on how to become more competent and improve their skills.,They were experienced and even had their own equipment! The ropes they pulled out from the gear closet looked like a wolverine had been chewing on them. No worries, the instructor brought enough to share with the class, and won't need to use the unsafe ropes. It became obvious pretty quickly that none of these ROTC guys really knew what they were doing, and were criminally unsafe. Which leads us back to the rope. You see, if you don't have your clothing secured properly on rappel, your clothing can work its way into the rappel device, getting pinched with your entire bodyweight against the rope. This halts your descent, and now you're stuck. This happened on rappel to one of the students. These bright aspiring leaders of men already knew the solution for this. While hanging from this rope at some height above the ground, the guy took out his pocketknife and hacked away at the rappel device to cut his stuck shirt free. These guys were doing the rope equivalent of the Looney Tunes gag where Daffy sits on a branch and saws it off the tree. That is why the rope looked how it did. They probably all went on to become fine officers. (for those wondering, the correct answer to getting stuck clothing free from a rappel device is a pretty simple and safe process that doesn't involve a knife. The even better answer is "tuck in your shirt and it will literally never happen, you big idiot")
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Jul 8, 2015 01:14
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That loving crazy dude cutting people's heads off supposedly happened in Germany. I thought people were fuckin with me because it was too outlandish. Also a fellow broadcaster? I've heard of the wonders of AFN Honduras. Also that the signal from the tower doesn't reach very far because it needs to be all "we aren't invading your poo poo." So even if you missed it, and voice tracked, no one would know. Just had a SSG from there come to my unit. He said it was heaven, minus the 'no wife and kids' thing. I'm in Australia right now and I was bullshitting with a PAO on their side. Apparentlyy their command has trained them to do the job of photo and video but has neglected to purchase any equipment. Anything. One of the troop used their own, had it break and was told "not our fault" and wasn't compensated. They couldn't believe how much our army gives us in terms of equipment.
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Jul 8, 2015 23:12
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kid in my platoon: "if hillary gets elected im moving to germany where they know better than to elect a woman"
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Jul 9, 2015 08:19
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FIDEL CASHFLOW posted:kid in my platoon: Lol. Reality is gonna suck for him.
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Jul 9, 2015 09:13
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FIDEL CASHFLOW posted:kid in my platoon: He'd be better off moving to Canada with all those fine folks protesting the gay marriage. This also reminds me of the multiple kids I ran into at Kadena who had no idea that we had fought a war with Japan.
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Jul 9, 2015 16:36
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FIDEL CASHFLOW posted:kid in my platoon:  It was a joke... right?
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Jul 9, 2015 19:09
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It has to be a joke. There's way too many "If this happens I'm moving to this other place where exactly this has already been happening."
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Jul 9, 2015 21:39
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Nostalgia4Infinity posted:This also reminds me of the multiple kids I ran into at Kadena who had no idea that we had fought a war with Japan. loving what?
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Jul 9, 2015 21:42
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Kung Fu Fist gently caress posted:loving what? Kadena is a magical place.
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Jul 9, 2015 22:04
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Never underestimate how dumb people are. Having heard that I had lived in Australia for a while, many people in basic came up to me and asked me if they speak English in Australia. Probably about 2 dozen, if you were wondering.
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Jul 9, 2015 22:04
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not caring here posted:Never underestimate how dumb people are. it's a fair question, australian is a loving weird accent
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Jul 9, 2015 22:16
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USMC503 posted:
i wish, i told him he should totally do that because it sounded like a fantastic plan, no women politicians or socialism there, none at all
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Jul 9, 2015 22:46
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not caring here posted:Never underestimate how dumb people are. How many shrimp on the barbies bullshit? Saw this woman try to give a brief and asking people where they were from, trying to be funny. She asked this and other stereotypical poo poo "Japan? I love Sushi!" It was like watching the worst night of open mic stand up ever
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Jul 9, 2015 22:54
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Nostalgia4Infinity posted:
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Jul 9, 2015 23:16
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I signed my 6 year re-enlistment paperwork and doing the oath poo poo next week. All for 20k, which are going to max out my TSP and the rest are going to my mutual funds. Hail Satan.
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Jul 9, 2015 23:43
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Soulex posted:How many shrimp on the barbies bullshit? Saw this woman try to give a brief and asking people where they were from, trying to be funny. She asked this and other stereotypical poo poo "Japan? I love Sushi!" throw on a hillbilly accent impersonation and say something about popping your wife in her eye and then going off to gently caress your sister generally shuts idiots up. or a brown dude asked me if it bothers me, so I asked where he was from. he said Puerto rico. oh, a tropical mexican! I say. you eventually get your point across.
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Jul 9, 2015 23:45
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