Huge Lady Pleaser posted:

Huge Lady Pleaser posted:

quote:

My name is Ciarra. I'm deaf, morning person. I'm good listener...

Huge Lady Pleaser posted:

LethalGeek posted:

Been debating putting this one up cause I don't want to have some chick's profile getting goon rushed by morons but frankly I don't think it would even show up on her radar:

Mildly NSFW: https://www.okcupid.com/profile/surfergirl_87

The whole thing is a pretty good read, and she must get her pics reported all the time cause I see "so & so put a picture" up all the time on the front page and it's always the same ones.

5-HT posted:

lmbo. this one is gold, no insight into social etiquette at all.

strap on revenge posted:

can you copy it so i dont have to make an account tia

quote:

IF YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF MEETING AND HANGING OUT DON'T EMAIL ME. I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR ONLINE FRIEND OR WASTE MY TIME. I AM SICK OF ALL THE HESITANT PUSSIES. Also, IF YOU'RE OVER 36 DON'T EMAIL ME. I DON'T HAVE A DADDY COMPLEX WHICH CAUSES ME TO LIKE A LOT OLDER MEN.

I'm NOT looking for random casual sex with whoever. Bikini pictures doesn't mean I am. That seems to be a really hard concept for some guys on here to grasp.

If you're flakey or don't want to meet in real life, don't waste my time. I know there are a million people to choose from on here, but I'm awesome and expect to be treated as such. How about you cancel on your doctor or dentist not me.

If you don't have a picture on your profile, don't email me. I can find people to talk to that I can actually see. What are you hiding? Aside from the fact that you're on this lame website.

rear end in a top hat email of the week: "Why not try to present yourself as a woman of quality and change your profile picture to one where you're wearing clothes and don't appear so much like a slut?? Your profile picture just makes guys want to view you because of your nearly nude body, not because they want to know who you are as a person. Put some clothes on and have some respect for yourself. You deserve to die." -shaydeymyst from Fort Worth, TX

* I'M NOT REALLY THIS INTIMIDATING IN REAL LIFE, ONLY DURING RANTS.

If you just want a one night stand or to get in my pants without any effort, don't bother emailing me. I'm not into the wham-bam-thankyou-ma'am poo poo anymore.

ALSO, if you don't have transportation to hang out don't email me. I am tired of all the guys on here who want me to pick them up for the "first date." I'm not your chauffeur and I don't have to drive all around Portland to get male company.

News flash- Being comfortable with my body and myself does not make me a slut. Stop with the slut -shaming emails. Guys have shirtless pics on here all the time. If you don't like it, don't look at it.

If you like sarcasm, inappropriate humor then email me because we will get along just fine. I don't tend to email guys on here.

I just moved to Tigard like eight months ago from my home area Humboldt County in Northern California. I moved to go to grad. school.

If you email me and tell me you want to nut on my tits then I will block you. Strangers telling me they want to nut on my tits does not quite do it for me. Shocking I know. If you start your first email off s#xual I won't email you back. Don't look so desperate to get laid, even ugly people can get laid without looking desperate. Play the game right.

If you email me to tell me to put some clothes on I will ignore you. Stop being such a fking prude. Girls can take their shirts off too. You just sound like an uptight Mormon dad when you say that.

IF YOU DO NOT RESIDE NEAR THE PORTLAND/ VANCOUVER AREA DON"T EMAIL ME. I won't be driving to meet anyone and I do not want you driving here. Find someone in your own town like a normal person. If I wanted a pen pal I would start writing prisoners. I only want to talk to people I will actually meet. If I was lonely and wanted to talk to someone it would not be a random person on the internet.

Despite the pictures I am not easy; I am just comfortable with myself. Surprisingly, I am not looking for a one night stand. Been there done that. I am not actively seeking a relationship or anything creepy like that. More like friends with benefits or friends. Rather start that way and see what happens. I can be a good girlfriend when I want to be. Eventually want a relationship, but I don't rush that sh-t.

I am not insecure like many chicks. I am not a 10 or a Barbie. I am just cute. I rather be cute and fun, than perfect and boring. I won't change who I am for anyone, so like it or leave it. I am blunt and to the point. I value honesty. If you want perfection go somewhere else. I am not a model or a perfect 10 nor do I pretend to be.

I like the outdoors, good beer, good food, dirty jokes and intellect. I don't like dumb, insecure, clingy guys. If you have kids do not email me, that turns me off. Not into "daddies." That is a deal breaker for me.

I am independent, inappropriate, nerdy, different, fun and outgoing. I know what I have to offer and am not one of those girls who needs a boyfriend to feel good about herself.

I am going to grad. school in Portland, but live in Tigard.

MY BAD HABITS: Cursing excessively, cracking inappropriate jokes.

MY THREE FAVORITE S's: Sun, S#x, Surfing

HOW I FEEL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS: I rather start as friends, if you push one quickly I will run the other way and never talk to you again. If you drop the "L" bomb you are a psycho. I won't fake a headache, however, if I like you because I am always DTF.

THINGS I'VE NOTICED ABOUT THIS LAME WEBSITE:
1) People who are constantly on here are players or hyper socially awkward, seems logical.
2) If a person's profile only says looking for new friends all they want is sex with as many people as possible.
3) Average body type generally means out of shape and chubby.
4) Guys with "jacked" bodies are the most douchey ones on here.
5) Guys who just got out of a relationship less than two months ago are NOT ready for anytime of semi-meaningful relationship.
6) Adding an animal to your picture does not make you look more attractive if you're not cute; same with adding a photo of your cute guy friend. It actually makes you look less attractive.
7) Why does everyone on here have a beard and or a kid?!
8) The amount of guys who copy and paste an obviously generic message and or send me erotic stories. You know it makes you look so lame when you do that? Those are the messages I show as many people as possible and we all point and laugh at them while looking at your picture.
9) If I spend too much time on here I actually want to shoot myself.

HOW I FEEL ABOUT DATING: Dating is lame. The guy takes the girl out and pays for her meal hoping to get laid. The girl expects a free meal, then decides whether or not to give up her goodies. The whole thing is overdone and idiotic. Dating, not my goodies.

THREE MOST ANNOYING TYPES OF PEOPLE:
1) The douche-bags with the oompa-loopa tans that flex their biceps in the mirror at the gym. You're not sexy, sorry to break it to you.
2) Guys that try to give me advice on here. I'm smart, I know my profile is mildly abrasive, but so am I. So stop recommending I have pictures of me doing yoga or petting animals like every other girl on here. That's not me, but thanks for your concern.
3) Old men that think they have a chance with way younger girls. Your junk is shriveled and no one wants it (except other old people if you're lucky).

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME:
1) If we go out I pay for myself. I'll bang you if I want to, not cuz you paid for my meal and you think I "owe" you something. Plus, why would I expect a stranger to pay for me?
2) I like to keep it PG-13 on the first date max. I'm not going to bang you the first time we hang out most likely.
3) No less than six people have told me I remind them of April on the show Parks and Rec. I have never seen that show, but will take their word.
4) What you see is how I look and what you read is how I talk. I'm not trying to be someone I'm not.
5) I have had two long-term relationships over the last 6-ish years. I have been single for about 10 months. I will mainly only break up with a boyfriend if: there is no sex, abuse, addiction or cheating. I always try to make it work within reason.
6) I'm kinda a big deal.

FIVE PHYSICAL THINGS I'M SHALLOW ABOUT ON A GUY:
We are all semi-shallow. I just admit it. Let's be real, you don't want to be repulsed to kiss someone.
1) Beards/ lots of facial hair. I don't like guys who look like lumberjacks. Shocker.
2) Balding. I like hair. I like my guys with hair. Enough said.
3) Gray/ white hair. It reminds me of my dad and grandpa. Not hot.
4) Extremely out of shape. I'm not a chubby chaser.
5) Pending

GUYS WHO HAVE NOT WORKED OUT IN PORTLAND:
One claimed to be single, but was married. Um it's not my problem you're not happy with the p-ssy you committed to for life. I didn't make that mistake. Get a f-cking divorce. Red Flag: Married rear end in a top hat.

One wanted a girl with fake tits, who wore tons of makeup and painted her nails to match her outfit. Def. not me. Red Flag: Stripper lover.

One wanted to date all of Portland. Umm no. Red Flag: Potential herpes.

One wanted a girl who had no opinion. Boring. Red Flag: Probably only likes missionary in bed too.

There are more, but not worth mentioning. Mainly, lots of unemployed lames that think it's okay to live with their mommy and daddy when they are over 30 and snorting coke daily.

WHAT REALLY DOUCHEY GUYS LIKE TO EMAIL ME:
Apparently according to a few guys on here I am overconfident and have a "busted" face. I am so happy that these guys brought up my "busted" face as I struggle daily to fit into society with an ugly face like mine. In fact, I have set up a fund for my "busted" face that I hope to use to fix my horrendous face. Also, I am not overconfident, I just know how awesome I am and am sorry my awesomeness angers you, except I'm not really sorry.

I am not like any other girl you have met. I promise that. So if you are up for the challenge.....
What I’m doing with my life
Gracing Portland with my awesomeness and grad.school!
Becoming a big deal in the comedy world.
I’m really good at
I do what I do and I do it well.
and...
I can spot a douche bag a mile away
and..
communication
and
being consistently disappointed by guys.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books- I love reading. I'll read anything if I am bored, even the dictionary. Partial to mysteries and true crime books. Some of my favorite books are: Fear and Loathing, To Kill a Mockingbird, Lord of the Flies and Brave New World, The Great Gatsby.

Movies- Donnie Darko, Drive, Mud, The Prestige, Anchorman, Knocked Up and The Hangover.

Shows- Breaking Bad, Hell on Wheels, True Detective, Family Guy, Eastbound and Down,Sons of Anarchy, Arrested Development, Prison Break, Nathan for You, and any crappy reality tv minus Jersey Shore.

Music- Earlier 2000's. RHCP, Goo Goo Dolls, 3 Doors Down, Staind, pop, rock and alternative.

Food- Quesadillas with guac, hamburger with french fries and a cold beer. Now I'm f'ing hungry.
The six things I could never do without
Surfing
Sun
Good Sex ( I pretty much do without)
Books
Exercise
My Cats
Peanut Butter Snickers
That's seven and I dont care.

I spend a lot of time thinking about
Inappropriate things such as shirtless guys, guys showering together, guy making out and showering together, my future and how much debt I am going to be in after grad. school.

Sex, Sex and more sex. Then sex again.

Theo James, Jaime Dornan, Scott Eastwood in that order.

Does sending messages like: "wanna f-k, let's bang, wanna hook-up" actually work? I guess if you send it to a hundred chicks and one says yes guess it's a success. I think it's so ridiculous and won't respond.

And why guys take dick pics. No girl really likes a disembodied dick. They usually look weird and abnormally hairy in dick pics.

Why guys who say they are looking for relationships post various pictures with tons of girls. No one believes you.

Who keeps reporting me for my pictures. I'm not showing my pussy. Go suck a dick or pull the one out of your rear end.

Why when you tell a guy on here you're not interested he instantly calls you fat or ugly. Why were you talking to me to begin with then? Are you having a hankering for a fat, ugly chick all a sudden? Also, I'm neither so go f-k yourself.

The manipulation of dudes on here. I'm smarter than you idiots that try to manipulate me, so go suck a cock. You say "I thought you were fun" when I refuse to send you a full nude? Or "I thought you were open minded" when I refuse to fist you in the rear end? Try that on someone without self-esteem who gives a f-k about what people think of them because I really don't, These types of guys are so stupid and I want to punch them in the face and say " I thought you were tough" when they cry.

Why people from Denmark, Africa and random rear end places far away contact me. You know chances go up for a date when you actually contact someone in your same Continent, right? Idiots.

How most accidental and unplanned pregnancies happen. If you're not on birth control don't let a guy nut in you. If he does get a morning after pill. Why would you wait a month or two to see if you're pregnant? Idiots.

What possesses someone to be a model. You just wake up one day and think you are super good looking and should get paid to stand around and be good looking? Barf.

How much I want to f-k Kate Upton she is smoking. No I don't want to have a threesome with you and a "girl" friend.
On a typical Friday night I am
Being awesome! Or in the fetal position crying about my week.

Seriously, not into the bar scene. I hate the creepers, lurkers, pervs that are there and somehow one or both my tits ends up unwillingly in their hands.

You should message me if
You are SINGLE. Not in an open relationship or any of that sh-t.
My profile does not offend you.
You are not a total manwhore aka not actively banging multiple people,
You don't cum in your pants from making-out. (has happened).
A large portion of your day is not spent on here.
Don't email me if your user name is like "footlongdong" or "bigdick" or any related variation. That screams douche bag.
You are not an addict. Cigs okay, meth not. Duh.
You are NOT shy and don't have a stick up your rear end about things in general. It's okay to laugh it won't kill you.
You don't want to talk about how big your dick supposedly is and how you're not sure it will fit. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that I would be rich.
You actually look like your pictures aka you have not put on 40 lbs of fat since the pictures were taken (an ongoing issue)
You like to leave the house and be outside doing sh-t.
You are not old enough to be my dad. Why would I be interested in someone more than 10 years older than me?I'm not a golddigger nor am I so ugly I have to settle for old man dick.
You are not boring. Signs you might be: you jack off in a condom to make sure not to make a mess. That is so odd. ( guy told me this on actual date).
You don't take life too seriously or my profile too seriously. As it is contradictory in so many ways.
You don't think I'm angry;you get the sarcasm/cynicism in my profile.
On our first date you are not logged onto okstupid and you don't take me to an awkward dinner in hopes of getting laid.

Skippy McPants posted:

I'm totally open minded, but no brown people lol!

vyst posted:

Why is she so against me jacking off into a condom? It's less mess yo

LethalGeek posted:

Wall of dog poo poo

ElGroucho posted:

what kind of dummy puts this much effort in to the internet

LethalGeek posted:

Given what I've seen of how men act with online dating/hook ups I don't blame her one bit for everything she said. A lot of you get REAL stupid.

LethalGeek posted:

Given what I've seen of how men act with online dating/hook ups I don't blame her one bit for everything she said. A lot of you get REAL stupid.

LethalGeek posted:

Given what I've seen of how men act with online dating/hook ups I don't blame her one bit for everything she said. A lot of you get REAL stupid.

Chomp8645 posted:

Saying that stuff might not be stupid, but putting it on her profile is stupid. Whether her opinions have merit or not is beside the point. Putting all that on your profile just throws up red flags everywhere. It's stuff better suited for an off-site rant, like on a blog or something.

Demon Of The Fall posted:

lol "she has a nice body"

*picture would look like it was of a teenage boy if it weren't for the underboob*

No hips, probably no rear end, gross son

Demon Of The Fall posted:

lol "she has a nice body"

*picture would look like it was of a teenage boy if it weren't for the underboob*

No hips, probably no rear end, gross son

LeoMarr posted:

Demon Of The Fall posted:

lol "she has a nice body"

*picture would look like it was of a teenage boy if it weren't for the underboob*

No hips, probably no rear end, gross son

Lufiron posted:

a bitch with no rear end ain't got poo poo, sorry goon say me all you want but it's fact

Demon Of The Fall posted:

lol "she has a nice body"

*picture would look like it was of a teenage boy if it weren't for the underboob*

No hips, probably no rear end, gross son

Otisburg posted:

I will emptyquote this instead, except I hosed up



fingerblasted a cute tinder chubby on a holocaust memorial bench at a public park. Next date is in my lair. livin the goon dream

quote:

Fourteen Things You Should Know Before Messaging Me:
1. Please tell me how long my profile is because NO. ONE. ELSE. IN. THE. HISTORY. OF. SPACE. AND. TIME. HAS. EVER told me that. Oh, and give me "advice" and "tips" on how to "improve" my profile. I can't get enough of the "helpful" suggestions of strangers. No, "really."
2. I don't care if you're horny. Never have. Never will until the end of time and then 100 years after that. Telling me I make you horny is NOT a compliment nor the least bit appealing.
3. I don't want to hear what you think about my body or any of its various parts. I don't want to hear what you would like to do to me, my body, or my body parts sexually. I certainly don't want to hear any of this in explicit detail. This is called sexual harassment and you're a super creepy, disgusting, vomit-inducing, nasty, perverted, revolting, waste-of-space, worthless rear end in a top hat if you do it.
4. I don't want to Skype with you. I've never Skyped before, in fact. No, I don't want you to teach me how. The same applies to FaceTime.
5. The only kik I'd like to give you is a swift kick straight to the groin and possibly the nose, if the mood so strikes me.
6. No, I don't want to send you my nudes. No, I don't want to see yours.
7. No, I don't want to watch you masturbate. No, I won't masturbate while you watch.
8. I don't want to text you. We don't know each other like that and aren't we already on a site that can facilitate chat?
9. No, I don't have a webcam, but if I did... the answer would still be no.
10. I don't want to talk dirty to you online or off or ever. I don't want phone sex or cyber sex. There are numbers you can call and websites you can visit for that and I wholeheartedly suggest you do. Sex workers need to get paid, too.
11. I don't want to sit on your face, peg you, or dominate you. None of that appeals to me, personally, in the slightest. But don't stop looking. There are plenty of people out there willing to fulfill those types of desires (again, I'm not one of those people). Just be sure they have actually expressed an interest in these activities before asking them to do anything of that nature. No one wants to receive a sexual proposition cold call.
12. No, you can't spank me or beat me or use me or tie me up. No, I will not submit to you. We just started talking. I don't know you. I wouldn't trust you with a hard-boiled egg. Why would I trust you with my safety and well-being?
13. No, I will not call you Sir, Master, or Daddy. We just met.
14. YES, a million times yes, I WILL take money and giftcards and money and presents and cash money and signed blank checks and credit cards and an iPhone 6 Plus w/ 128 gigs (to tide me over until the new 6S comes out) & a paid phone plan to match and flowers and jewelry and money and more money and paid rent and paid tuition and money and trips to the salon & spa and fine dining and luxury vehicles and shopping sprees and moneymoneymoneydollarbillsyall from you.

Side Note: If you send me a message that only contains "hey" or "hi" or "good morning/afternoon/evening" or "how are you" or "how's it going" or "what's happening" or "what's up" or any derivations thereof, don't expect much of a message in response, if at all. You get as much effort out of me as you put in.

Side Note Deux: PLEASE tell me more about how my feminism and anti-racism offends your delicate, white, male sensibilities. PLEASE. It thrills me to no end and is, obviously, the best way to get my panties to drop. Really, it's cool. I'll just be over here with my jar ready and waiting to collect your super salty tears that will only further contribute to your Sahara-level thirstiness.

**********

ATTENTIONATTENTIONATTENTION: I knooooow my profile is long. You may feel a clear and present urge to point this out, but please, please DO resist with all your might. I wrote the drat thing. I'm well aware of its size. And unlike all y'all boys out there, I possess an innate ability to accurately, honestly assess and gauge the length and thickness of things, without a pathological urge to inflate and exaggerate.

So, since you, I, and every other person with functioning eyesight and basic common sense have established that my profile is pretty drat long, I will concede that you don't, technically, have to read the entire thing (although it sure would be nice and, come on, it's not like this is Finnegans Wake or War and Peace) before you message me, but you really need to read all the asterisks in the beginning here, at the very least. And then you can Choose-Your-Own-Adventure the rest of the way, if you like.

BUT no matter how much or little you read of it, I am not now, nor am I ever, accepting suggestions on how to "improve" my profile. It's pretty boss as is.

**********

Are you intimidated by the length, strength, and breadth of my profile?

If so, here's the TL;DR:

* Don't be racist.
* Don't participate in cultural appropriation.
* Don't be anti-Semitic, Islamophobic, or xenophobic.
* Don't be sexist or misogynistic.
* Don't be whorephobic and don't slut-shame.
* Know what the phrase "rape culture" means.
* Be sex-positive and sex-worker-friendly. * Don't talk poo poo about sex workers. That includes strippers, escorts, cam girls, and prostitutes. That includes sex workers working to pay their way through college, sex workers working to put food on the table for their kids, and sex workers working to pay for their next hit.
* Support the decriminalization of prostitution.
* Support the decriminalization of drugs.
* Believe that drug addiction is a health issue, not a criminal or moral one.
* Don't be homophobic.
* Don't be transphobic.
* Don't be fatphobic.
* Don't be classist.
* Don't be ableist.
* Speak carefully, conscientiously, and with purpose. Words mean things. Don't use slurs, racially charged terms, or otherwise offensive language. Not even if you're "just joking," because no, not everything can or should be made into a joke.
* Don't support the death penalty.
* Be pro-choice. No ifs, ands, buts, or exceptions.
* Be a feminist ally.
* Be open-minded.
* Don't talk poo poo about immigrants, welfare recipients, the homeless, or fat people.
* Be nice to retail/food service/janitorial workers, the elderly, and animals.
* Smile at babies who smile at you. When a toddler waves at you or says hi to you, do the same in return. If a little kid shows you a picture they drew and is proud as poo poo about it, tell them it's awesome. Just be sweet to miniature humans, okay? They're at that great stage in human development where they're not assholes yet.
* Believe in global warming and evolution.
* Give some semblance of a gently caress for the environment.
* Don't belong to the NRA or the Republican Party.
* Support universal healthcare, welfare, and a living wage.
* Believe that water, food, clothing, shelter, education, and healthcare are basic human rights that everyone deserves to have and no one should have to go without due to lack of financial means.
* Recognize and check your privilege on a daily basis (whether it be white, male, straight, cis, class, able-bodied or any combination thereof).
* Know what intersectionality is.
* Don't be a conservative, a Christian, an anti-feminist, an anti-SJW, a men's rights activist, a Nice Guy™, a NOT-ALL-MEN-er, an ALL-LIVES-MATTER-er, an egalitarian/humanist, and/or a pick-up artist
* Believe that no person is illegal, that deportation is inhumane, and that borders are arbitrary and useless.
* Have, at the very least, a passing knowledge of current events.
* Be mad. If you're not mad, you're not paying attention.
* Believe in extremely strict gun laws and regulations. Do NOT mindlessly cling to the 2nd amendment as if it has any bearing on you or relevance to your life here in 2015. Believe that we need to follow the examples of countless other "civilized" nations, who are doing the exact, right thing regarding guns and gun violence, which can clearly be seen in the number of gun deaths that occur each year in those countries.
* Be anti-military and anti-war, but pro-veteran.
* Don't believe in such fanciful notions as reverse racism, "pulling the race card," reverse sexism, capitalism, meninism, misandry, hetereophobia, cisphobia, intelligent design/creationism, the friend zone, skinny shaming, or Santa Claus. Unicorns and ewoks, though? Totally fine.
* Do NOT defend confederate flags at all, ever, in the slightest. Don't display confederate flags. Don't wear confederate flags. Don't put up confederate flag decor in your home. Don't dress up your pets or your kids or your inanimate objects in confederate flags. The ONLY acceptable place for a confederate flag is at the bottom of a bonfire. ABOVE ALL ELSE, don't you dare claim that the meaning of the confederate is anything but racist.
* I'll be voting for Bernie Sanders at each and every possible opportunity in the various elections to come. You should be, too.

If you can't hang with ALL of the above, then I can't hang with you. Simple as that. These are deal breakers, folks. What can I say? Equality and justice just do it for me.

The TL;DR of my TL;DR:
Simply put, DON'T BE A DICK. Be a decent human being with common sense, logic, reason, empathy, and compassion.

quote:

* Be open-minded.

LethalGeek posted:

Someone confused their tumblr with their OKC profile. Keep in mind this is like 10% of their profile:
This a portland thing with everyone getting on their soapbox? I mean I generally agree with these folks but you all are right time & place people come on.

quote:

* Don't be anti-Semitic, Islamophobic...
...
* Don't be ... a Christian

quote:

and that borders are arbitrary and useless