shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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Ratjaculation: Aug 3, 2007

Fathis Munk posted:

That was shared last page, though in the form of a huffpo article about said "fact"

oops.

It is clearly 'fact' though, why else would he be so specific about the station they were at :confused:

# ? Aug 14, 2015 09:42

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# ? May 28, 2024 04:32

PUGGERNAUT: Nov 14, 2013; I AM INCREDIBLY BORING AND SHOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD IN THE POLITICS THREAD

You shouldn't judge people based on their appearance. Now let me describe how disgustingly old and washed-up this geezer was...

# ? Aug 14, 2015 10:10

Maw: Feb 18, 2013; Mere minutes after discovering the new technology, it was used to send me a crude ASCII dong.

good ol' imgur posted:

I got an application for an internship from a young woman. She expressed in her e-mail that it was urgent because the internship had to consist of at least 65 days of work before the end of november this year. Her r�sum� was incomplete and the e-mail was less than polite, but I decided to take her application through the standard procedure.

I'm not a cop, but I do work with the police and the district attorney so one of the steps in the procedure consists of checking the applicant for any sort of criminal record. Her name didn't yield any results, and since her r�sum� did not include a date of birth I couldn't complete that step. However, I have to justify why I use the registry, so I made a report about it and filed it with the appropriate person. The next step consists of an intake conversation, so I invited her to my office.

She was two hours late, making an excuse about how she lost track of time because she is a woman. I asked for her ID to get the necessary information for a thorough check of criminal record and noticed the name she had given me in her e-mail was not the same as the one on her ID. When I told her that we need the real name of our applicants for the procedure, she acted a little weird but allowed me to get the information.She did mention her Russian heritage, and that she preferred to go by her nickname rather than the admittedly long name her parents had given her.

The intake conversation wasn't very good, she had no idea what kind of an internship she was looking for nor did she show any interest in the projects I had written out for her. When I asked her the main reason she wanted to do an internship at my department, she simply replied with "It's close to home and I only applied here so you're my only option"

It didn't take long for me to realize she wasn't going to be an asset to the department, so I notified her that she didn't get the internship. Two days later I get a letter from internal supervision. The girl had filed a complaint.

Turns out asking for someone's real name is racist. That was the exact complaint she had filed. All I had to do to negate this complaint is refer to the standard procedure. The complaint was denied, wouldn't even get a mention in my personal record.

I admit that this woman was attractive to most standards, blonde hair, petite yet busty, and so on. But the intake conversation had focused primarily on motivation and skills such as writing, processing information, and she was at a level which I found insufficient for the internship. This complaint was more substanial and detailed, consisting of two full pages.

according to her, I had done the following:

- Asked her the size of her breasts (she added the actual size in the complaint, a 75E)
- Touched her breasts to feel if they are real (Which they are, according to the complaint)
- Pull down her top so she was exposed for the intirety of the intake
- Smelled her hair while stroking her shoulders (Because of her new vanilla extract shampoo, of course)
- Placed my bulge (from my penis, as explained in the complaint) on my desk, inviting her to touch it
- Ask her about how she feels about blowing me in my office right there and then
- Ask her name and any online alliases so I can google her nudes (which are a private matter!)
- Google her nudes while she was still present at my desk (while she was still exposed)

Mind you that I did all of this in a span of 15 minutes. Another note: my office has a glass wall facing the hallway, no blinds, and my office is next to the coffeemachine and the copier.

Because of the serious nature of the complaint, I had to face the board of internal supervision.

The board of internal supervision has to consist of four men and four women. They have to be unbiased and neutral so they are not from the same departement I am in. The full complaint is read aloud, afterwards the subject of the complaint (me) gets the chance to give his/her side of the story, after which the board evaluates if further investigation is
necessary. This board gives a recommandation for the case - could be dismissing the complaint, could be a suspension - and the head of departement goes from there. This whole procedure may seem absurd, but seen as I work for the governement, this is just the way it has been decided.

To [the men] it was obvious that this was another false complaint. Now given that they should evaluate the situation unbiased, they kept their reaction to a mere gesture or a rolling of the eyes and remained silent until the full complaint was read. After the complaint was read, I began my defence, but was shortly interupted because...

Two of [the women] literally started shouting at me, while the third kept chiming in with a sassy "mhmm" or "yeah!" They asked me (and answered for me) the following questions:
You are single right? A single 28 year old man must be obsessed with getting some
How tall are you? Tall men always assert dominance on women. It's a fact
What kind of porn do you watch? I bet this girl looks like your fantasy girl

Then the loudest of the three concluded with "TURNING DOWN THIS WOMAN FOR THE JOB IS SEXIST! YOU SHOULD GET FIRED!"

[the fourth woman] pointed out the facts of the circumstances in this conversation, namely

- The first complaint didn't mention anything sexual going on
- The 15 minutes the conversation lasted
- The glass wall without blinds
- The poor r�sum� of the woman involved
- IT department checked my google activity that day, no mention of any search for "nudes"
- The fact that all of this mess is over an unpaid internship
- The woman involved has a criminal record, two facts involving false complaints

The board decided to question the woman filing the complaint for more details

She admitted that she made the whole thing up. She was crying. Reptiles and onions, man. Crocodile tears. The board dismissed the complaint.

http://imgur.com/gallery/8MZXa

# ? Aug 14, 2015 11:29

SybilVimes: Oct 29, 2011

Maw posted:

http://imgur.com/gallery/8MZXa

75E 'petite but busty'

Guy needs to learn how bra sizes work before he tries to lie.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 11:36

Verisimilidude: Dec 20, 2006; Strike quick and hurry at him,
not caring to hit or miss.
So that you dishonor him before the judges

Maw posted:

http://imgur.com/gallery/8MZXa

And of course they're eating that poo poo up on imgur.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 11:54

Slime: Jan 3, 2007

SybilVimes posted:

75E 'petite but busty'

Guy needs to learn how bra sizes work before he tries to lie.

Big numbers and letters that would mean you failed a test == huge tits to most people. Usually men, and sadly sometimes women who are wearing terrible ill fitting bras don't know how bra sizes work at all.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 11:55

Maw: Feb 18, 2013; Mere minutes after discovering the new technology, it was used to send me a crude ASCII dong.

Verisimilidude posted:

And of course they're eating that poo poo up on imgur.

There's a good few people calling him out on it, but they're not being upvoted anywhere near as much, predictably.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 12:00

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

All women are harpies

# ? Aug 14, 2015 12:06

PUGGERNAUT: Nov 14, 2013; I AM INCREDIBLY BORING AND SHOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD IN THE POLITICS THREAD

Maw posted:

http://imgur.com/gallery/8MZXa

OP also posted this:
http://m.imgur.com/gallery/l5Bb4

What an interesting life he leads! Surely he doesn't have issues with women.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 12:08

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

SybilVimes posted:

75E 'petite but busty'

Guy needs to learn how bra sizes work before he tries to lie.

Lmfao picture a short woman with a 75 inch circumference ribcage

"My bra is more than 6ft around"

# ? Aug 14, 2015 12:15

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

How the gently caress can you be dumb enough to believe that crap?!

Also I like how he laid his bulge on the desk. Not the dick, the bulge.

PUGGERNAUT posted:

OP also posted this:
http://m.imgur.com/gallery/l5Bb4

What an interesting life he leads! Surely he doesn't have issues with women.

quote:

yourfriendlyneighborhoodcreep 15 points : 1 reply : 7 months ago reply

Perfectly told. I encourage you to repeat with new stories of great hilarity and happy endings.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 12:16

chia: Dec 23, 2005

sweeperbravo posted:

Lmfao picture a short woman with a 75 inch circumference ribcage

"My bra is more than 6ft around"

European bra sizes are different than American, you know that, right? Not that it makes that crap any less STDH.

edit: 75E -> 34D apparently.

chia has a new favorite as of 12:27 on Aug 14, 2015

# ? Aug 14, 2015 12:24

sixth and maimed: Mar 20, 2012; Fun Shoe

Ratjaculation posted:

jfc

Are people in London so prudish that you can't say "fanny" (gasp) in the metro? I know, STDH, but that jumped out to me.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 12:30

sixth and maimed: Mar 20, 2012; Fun Shoe

sweeperbravo posted:

Lmfao picture a short woman with a 75 inch circumference ribcage

"My bra is more than 6ft around"

75 cm, European size ... My wife is 1.58 m, weighs 48 kgs and has 75 as bra size. So with an E cup, that would def. be in the "petite but very busty" category.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 12:36

HopperUK: Apr 29, 2007; Why would an ambulance be leaving the hospital?

lodewijk posted:

Are people in London so prudish that you can't say "fanny" (gasp) in the metro? I know, STDH, but that jumped out to me.

'Fanny' in the UK refers to a lady's front bits rather than a butt, so it's a bit more risque than in the States. It would be so much better a story if she'd said 'oval office' though.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 12:42

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Fanny means butt in the US? Huh, I've only ever seen it used in the UK sense.

E: also it's the first name of a friend of mine, it's a rather common name for girls in French :v:

# ? Aug 14, 2015 12:45

SybilVimes: Oct 29, 2011

lodewijk posted:

75 cm, European size ... My wife is 1.58 m, weighs 48 kgs and has 75 as bra size. So with an E cup, that would def. be in the "petite but very busty" category.

But everything about the story screams America, nothing hints at a European country, much less a non-english speaking one (we use inches for bras in the UK).

# ? Aug 14, 2015 12:46

sixth and maimed: Mar 20, 2012; Fun Shoe

HopperUK posted:

'Fanny' in the UK refers to a lady's front bits rather than a butt, so it's a bit more risque than in the States. It would be so much better a story if she'd said 'oval office' though.

Yeah, I know ... But still, the lady can say loving this and that without missing a beat, but fanny, that's too much.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 12:51

Verisimilidude: Dec 20, 2006; Strike quick and hurry at him,
not caring to hit or miss.
So that you dishonor him before the judges

Guys, we're missing the point here. Namely that women are whores.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 13:25

Minarchist: Mar 5, 2009; by WE B Bourgeois

Fathis Munk posted:

I wish I could get chick tracts over here

Can't you order them from chick.com? Back in high school I ordered a shitload of the funnier/stupid ones and left them everywhere. The Last Generation is probably the best one. Someone on SA has an avatar that's the kid's face with HERETIC in red text and every time I see it I lose my poo poo :haw:

# ? Aug 14, 2015 14:19

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

HopperUK posted:

'Fanny' in the UK refers to a lady's front bits rather than a butt, so it's a bit more risque than in the States. It would be so much better a story if she'd said 'oval office' though.

Fathis Munk posted:

Fanny means butt in the US? Huh, I've only ever seen it used in the UK sense.

E: also it's the first name of a friend of mine, it's a rather common name for girls in French

Wait, does it mean the top front part or the lower front part?

I guess if its the lower front part then the name 'fanny pack' suddenly makes sense.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 14:33

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Yeah it's slang for vagina afaik :confused:

Minarchist posted:

Can't you order them from chick.com? Back in high school I ordered a shitload of the funnier/stupid ones and left them everywhere. The Last Generation is probably the best one. Someone on SA has an avatar that's the kid's face with HERETIC in red text and every time I see it I lose my poo poo

It's not the same then to encounter them unironically in the wild I guess :smith:

# ? Aug 14, 2015 14:36

Yngwie Mangosteen: Aug 23, 2007

Fathis Munk posted:

Yeah it's slang for vagina afaik

Huh, that's actually pretty confusing to an American, because even using the word to mean the backside tends to be done in a playfully British accent, or spawn a couple people making references to tea and the Queen. At least where I'm from anyway.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 14:53

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Then this old lady defends the younger beautiful one, because looks don't matter.

But I mean, holy poo poo, that old women was old as gently caress! I mean, her tits were down to her knees! She probably had sawdust in her rear end! Old as gently caress!

# ? Aug 14, 2015 15:00

Ratjaculation: Aug 3, 2007

Does this thread get into anyone elses head?

I was at the apple store because my cable is flayed and the guy there wanted �65(!!) for a new one. I asked about the EU 6-year warranty, he spoke to his boss and gave me a cable for free. A small victory, but I kept thinking how no-one clapped and I didn't get married

# ? Aug 14, 2015 15:21

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

I keep having to bite my tongue, so to speak, in the PYF cute things thread whenever someone posts an uplifting story. Often the very same ones that pop up here, as well.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 15:30

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Yeah I've become way less trusting about stories too. Maybe that's for the best.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 15:35

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

I do also think this thread is a bit too cynical about things sometimes, but mostly those that are obviously jokes.

Recently read about how internet racists in Germany are starting to post faked positive stories about refugees and foreigners on social media specifically so they can debunk them in the comments to "prove" the media's left-wing bias, so yeah a good dose of critical reading skills is a good thing to have.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 15:40

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

chia posted:

European bra sizes are different than American, you know that, right? Not that it makes that crap any less STDH.

No, I didn't, actually. I guess I could have assumed such but it didn't even cross my mind to think it was a European stid.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 15:46

GameCube: Nov 21, 2006

divabot posted:

next time you see some complete non sequitur in The Yospos Bitcoin Mega Thread maybe think twice before quoting it in the grey forums for great justice https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?topic=1054513.msg12086266#msg12086266

# ? Aug 14, 2015 16:24

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

As a Millennial I posted:

next time you see some complete non sequitur in The Yospos Bitcoin Mega Thread maybe think twice before quoting it in the grey forums for great justice https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?topic=1054513.msg12086266#msg12086266

What are we supposed to be looking at? Do you shout at mental tramps on the subway or not?

# ? Aug 14, 2015 16:28

GameCube: Nov 21, 2006

That is an insane atheist anarchist bitcoiner whom we have been making fun of in The Yospos Bitcoin Mega Thread for the past week. It's not really very funny at all, but divabot has forced me to defend myself, here, in The poo poo That Didn't Happen Mega Thread.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 16:36

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

So you saying you shouted back at mental people on the bus and got applause was an out of context joke?

# ? Aug 14, 2015 17:36

PUGGERNAUT: Nov 14, 2013; I AM INCREDIBLY BORING AND SHOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD IN THE POLITICS THREAD

EmmyOk posted:

So you saying you shouted back at mental people on the bus and got applause was an out of context joke?

No, he was just quoting a Bitcoin fanboy. In the context of the thread it was more obvious.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 17:41

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

That makes sense.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 17:47

Zelder: Jan 4, 2012

I would have believed that story if he was playing MGS3.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 17:59

divabot: Jun 17, 2015; A polite little mouse!

As a Millennial I posted:

next time you see some complete non sequitur in The Yospos Bitcoin Mega Thread maybe think twice before quoting it in the grey forums for great justice https://bitcointalk.org/index.php?topic=1054513.msg12086266#msg12086266

and my sincere apologies, sir

divabot has a new favorite as of 20:56 on Aug 14, 2015

# ? Aug 14, 2015 19:56

Pththya-lyi: Nov 8, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

Ratjaculation posted:

Does this thread get into anyone elses head?

Two of my friends played "Bohemian Rhapsody" at their wedding reception, and a bunch of people (including me) danced and sang along. I kept thinking about the stories where people sing it in public and strangers join in.

# ? Aug 14, 2015 20:58

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

Maw posted:

http://imgur.com/gallery/8MZXa

quote:

NIKEstickER 1 point : 1 reply : 18 hours ago reply

Seems way to elaborate to be fake idk

quote:

quote:
roonmian 19 points : 2 replies : 21 hours ago reply

And it's a story bashing 3 out of 4 women. Imgur loves stories like this.
Zomboner 0 points : 3 replies : 17 hours ago reply

Imgur loves bashing sexist women. Even if they were fictional, they were sexist.

e:
Not related to the veracity of the set but:

quote:

quote:
quote:
ChrisRedfieldinaPanda 11 points : 2 replies : a day ago reply

exactly. it makes me think that he only reason he hired in the 1st place was becuz she was pretty.

i dind't meant hire, i meant doing the thingy for the interview. what's the name for that?

and l'm in uni majoring in english *bangs head on table repeadetly'

Also, his gallery. There are a lot of choice pieces:
Help girl with earring, insane other women calls me a rapist
Girl interested in me is actually a whore
Girl cries and I hug her, she tells everyone I have a huge dick

Postal Parcel has a new favorite as of 22:47 on Aug 14, 2015

# ? Aug 14, 2015 22:38

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# ? May 28, 2024 04:32

Tetracube: Feb 12, 2014; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

Holy poo poo, OP's posts are a treasure trove of stdh http://imgur.com/user/AskmeaboutmystoriesornotIamausernamenotacop/submitted

e: beaten by edit

Tetracube has a new favorite as of 22:54 on Aug 14, 2015

# ? Aug 14, 2015 22:52

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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