shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

Lesson learned: Never Google Redpill terms. They're always worse/more rapey than you think.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 00:05

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# ? May 28, 2024 14:33

Splicer: Oct 16, 2006; from hell's heart I cast at thee
🧙🐀🧹🌙🪄🐸

Post Your Favorite (or Request) � shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I cranked my rear end in a top hat to #800080

# ? Aug 18, 2015 00:13

Nuclear War: Nov 7, 2012; You're a pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty girl

Ratjaculation posted:

Well, had to google LMR

'Acronym for Last Minute Resistance. This is when a woman puts up some form of resistance right before you successfully lay her because she start having second thoughts about having sex.'

what

# ? Aug 18, 2015 00:21

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Splicer posted:

Post Your Favorite (or Request) � shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I cranked my rear end in a top hat to #800080

Nice

ibntumart posted:

Lesson learned: Never Google Redpill terms. They're always worse/more rapey than you think.

I tell myself all of the Redpill posters are just people really invested in an RPG. The so-abhorrent-it-must-be-fictional jargon makes it ~~an easy pill to swallow~~ an easy interpretation to believe.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 00:23

ibntumart: Mar 18, 2007; Good, bad. I'm the one with the power of Shu, Heru, Amon, Zehuti, Aton, and Mehen.; College Slice

sweeperbravo posted:

I tell myself all of the Redpill posters are just people really invested in an RPG. The so-abhorrent-it-must-be-fictional jargon makes it ~~an easy pill to swallow~~ an easy interpretation to believe.

A live action FATAL RP is really not any less terrifying.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 00:30

divabot: Jun 17, 2015; A polite little mouse!

ibntumart posted:

A live action FATAL RP is really not any less terrifying.

"a live action FATAL RP" is the description I shall use for /r/theredpill forever more.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 00:44

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

Rapey and fake but not in the usual way

Also, *something*

# ? Aug 18, 2015 00:48

BogDew: Jun 14, 2006; E:\FILES>quickfli clown.fli

I did read an article about the original creators of The Method and other common pick up scams back in the day getting fed up that the current generation has pretty much morphed into date-rape manuals and nice guy manifestos.
This stuff has been going since the 70's, I once stumbled across a record in a shop which was some "Mr suave" reading through some script where some "random" woman falls for him - just follow along at home!

# ? Aug 18, 2015 01:04

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Lmfao. "I understand they are more conservative in America

Those uptight Americans, they will never know the purer pleasures in life like" I can't even finish that sentence with the sarcastic ending I wanted to give it because :wtc:

EmmyOk posted:

Also, *something*

The hand folding up into her armpit/neck area took me a while to really understand

# ? Aug 18, 2015 01:04

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

EmmyOk posted:

"Being the photographer that I am, I did not realize that my device was pointed in the complete wrong direction."

# ? Aug 18, 2015 01:05

Sentient Data: Aug 31, 2011; My molecule scrambler ray will disintegrate your armor with one blow!

Being the photographer that I am, I felt no reason to look at the giant full-screen live view of what the actual picture would be

# ? Aug 18, 2015 01:14

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Maybe she just found out she was a "happy surprise" as a baby and that's why she wants us to know accidents can be beautiful :shobon:

# ? Aug 18, 2015 01:20

Pidmon: Mar 18, 2009; NO ONE risks painful injury on your GREEN SLIME GHOST POGO RIDE.

No one but YOU.

I don't think it's fair to compare stdh to McDonald's hot coffee incident since that was 3rd degree burns that did happen covered up with a big effort on maccas' part to turn the fact that boiling hot water way beyond the limit of reasonableness causing an old woman to requiring skin grafts into a big old " teehee frivolous American lawsuits" joke.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 01:34

Sentient Data: Aug 31, 2011; My molecule scrambler ray will disintegrate your armor with one blow!

Which is exactly my point, it's that public perception on the case was wrong - the coffee was dangerously hot, just as the medication was (potentially) very illegal, not a simple otc painkiller

e:
Though to be fair, that never should have gone to court in the first place. If she was bragging about taking the non-painkiller then it would be documented and there wouldn't be a leg to stand on (maybe that's what was on the longhand sheet that the 9th grader "couldn't read"); if she was worried about it, then she should have gone to the nurse/principal/whatever immediately. In either of those cases, the kid who gave the meds would have gotten the suspension and they could have gotten the answer really easily about what exactly was taken

Sentient Data has a new favorite as of 02:02 on Aug 18, 2015

# ? Aug 18, 2015 01:44

Pidmon: Mar 18, 2009; NO ONE risks painful injury on your GREEN SLIME GHOST POGO RIDE.

No one but YOU.

Sentient Data posted:

Which is exactly my point, it's that public perception on the case was wrong - the coffee was dangerously hot, just as the medication was (potentially) very illegal, not a simple otc painkiller

Ah, fair enough. Knew I should've double-checked what was said. Oh well!

# ? Aug 18, 2015 01:48

Lowly: Aug 13, 2009

monny posted:

My traditional 'I didn't rape you' text. Stay classy, reddit!

That sounds like really great evidence for a rape case, actually.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 03:11

bawk: Mar 31, 2013

My favorite PUA thing was the beginning to the Christmas special for Black Mirror. The end result (don't spoil this if you haven't seen it, it's fairly obvious once you realize where it's going but it blindsided me) the PUA had an earbud with all his buddies feeding him advice alongside one main PUA coach, he picks up a schizophrenic manic-depressive that overheard him talking to his friends, thinking he was the same, and a miscommunication ends in an accidental suicide pact with the girl force feeding him a poisoned drink after he feeds her bullshit about all of life being one long transition (to death, in her perspective)

# ? Aug 18, 2015 04:24

Nolan Arenado: May 8, 2009

Thanks to this thread, my immediate thought upon reading this was "yeah, loving right..."

quote:

So I stopped at the gas station in Altona for my usual Mountain Dew and Reese's, and in front of me was an older gentleman wearing a Korea veteran hat. I thanked me for serving our country and I bought his cup of coffee and granola bar. After I got my junk food I got in my truck and drove home. When I pulled up to the shop a blue car pulled in behind me. Out steps a guy I didn't know. The guy then said, " my name is Jeff. You just bought my fathers stuff at the gas station." I said oh yeah I did I hope that was okay? He continued, " my dad has Alzheimer's disease and barely remembers who I am most of the time. You look just like my son David, who died in Iraq. When my dad came out of the store to the car he said David just bought my coffee. 'Hell of a kid you got Jeff.' " I don't know what you said to him, but my dad hasn't said my name in over a year. Let alone his grandsons name, who died well after he quit speaking because of the Alzheimer's." I said well I don't accept credit for all that but I was just trying to thank him for his service. Jeff then hugged me and said thank you. What you did means more to me than you will ever know. ---- Talk about getting hit right in my feelings. Be nice to people. You never know how it will effect their day.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 05:11

littlebluellama: Jun 18, 2013; I am kind, brave and deserve love.

OctoberBlues posted:

Thanks to this thread, my immediate thought upon reading this was "yeah, loving right..."

I know it's a typo, but "I thanked me..." in the second sentence sums it up pretty well.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 05:31

axolotl farmer: May 17, 2007; Now I'm going to sing the Perry Mason theme

OctoberBlues posted:

So I stopped at the gas station in Altona for my usual Mountain Dew and Reese's, and in front of me was an older gentleman wearing a Korea veteran hat. I thanked me for serving our country.

turned it into reality without changing any text

e: welp I should read the thread

# ? Aug 18, 2015 05:55

Electrical Fire: Mar 29, 2010

OctoberBlues posted:

Thanks to this thread, my immediate thought upon reading this was "yeah, loving right..."

So he gets in his truck and drives home, and then pulls into 'the shop'. Where the hell is he? And how does this stranger track him down? What a bunch of garbage.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 05:57

Crow Jane: Oct 18, 2012; nothin' wrong with a lady drinkin' alone in her room

I swear I'm not a terrible person or a cartoon villain or something. I like when people are happy, and random acts of kindness are wonderful. But those "I was nice to a stranger, now tell me how great I am" types of STDH provoke a very visceral kind of hate in me. Niceness is it's own reward, you self-satisfied dillhole. The kind of people who brag about how nice they are are almost always the worst kind of people.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 06:03

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

Electrical Fire posted:

So he gets in his truck and drives home, and then pulls into 'the shop'. Where the hell is he? And how does this stranger track him down? What a bunch of garbage.

quote:

So I stopped at the gas station in Altona for my usual Mountain Dew and Reese's, and in front of me was an older gentleman wearing a Korea veteran hat. I thanked me for serving our country and I bought his cup of coffee and granola bar. After I got my junk food I got in my truck and drove home. When I pulled up to the shop a blue car pulled in behind me. Out steps a guy I didn't know.

I was smart enough to get back in my car and lock the doors because I remembered an email I had been forwarded!!!

Be aware of this new scheme!!! Carjackers pose as Korean vets to get free coffee and granola bars, then their accomplice follows you home and takes your car as part of a gang initiation. Detective Bledsoe, of the Florissant, MO Sheriff's office confirms that this is happening in St. Louis County, Missouri and could be happening near you, so be careful and take note!!! Be aware, and pass this on to all your friends and loved ones!

# ? Aug 18, 2015 06:18

bawk: Mar 31, 2013

Electrical Fire posted:

So he gets in his truck and drives home, and then pulls into 'the shop'. Where the hell is he? And how does this stranger track him down? What a bunch of garbage.

The Shop is the place where you park your car in rural areas, it is an extra large garage on your land where you service things. This stdh featured a man being stalked to his home just to be explicitly and enthusiastically thanked for a kind deed

# ? Aug 18, 2015 06:19

Mr. Belpit: Nov 11, 2008

So did that Jeff guy just leave his Alzheimer's dad at the store or what?

# ? Aug 18, 2015 07:30

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

shit_that_didn't_happen.txt : I thanked me for serving our country

That is such a perfect incarnation of so many of these lovely stories.

Also ew redpill. It's been a while since I saw some good ol' redpill poo poo :gonk:

# ? Aug 18, 2015 08:53

Boywhiz88: Sep 11, 2005; floating 26" off da ground. BURR!

Mr. Belpit posted:

So did that Jeff guy just leave his Alzheimer's dad at the store or what?

That's what I really love. This guy has what sounds like really late-term Alzheimer's and they're just gonna let him go into a store on his own? I know there are varying degrees of what's affected but that part was just like wtf to me

# ? Aug 18, 2015 09:19

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

ibntumart posted:

Speaking of Reddit (imaginary) sex-havers:

The really unbelievable part is where he says "I had a date with a girl tonight."

# ? Aug 18, 2015 09:51

Redrum and Coke: Feb 25, 2006; wAstIng 10 bUcks ON an aVaTar iS StUpid

I, too, send "btw, I did not rape you, right? messages after every hook up. Every hook up.

As another poster said, the humblebrags STDH are the ones that piss me off the most. They tend to be just about not being a lovely person, and just expecting to earn some kind of credit.
Yesterday before I got on the train there was a girl carrying a huge rear end suitcase, so I helped her go up and down the stairs with it; we then shoot the poo poo on the train and exchanged phone numbers.
...OR

quote:

GERMANY - TRAIN STATIONS - KINDNESS - NERDS RULE - MISOGYNY

I was at the train station in [GERMAN CITY] in [GERMANIC COUNTRY] buying a can of [NON ALCOHOLIC DRINK] when I saw a cute petite girl with a Naruto headband and a Dr. Who shirt who was carrying a really heavy suitcase. She stood by the stairwell and looked at it grimly, knowing the difficult task that was now in front of her.
A young man approached her and said loudly
-"Look at this F**** C**** she can't lift for S****. Hey B*** why don't you go back to the kitchen where you will only lift pans, instead of being here, you dumb c****!".
The girl was dumbfounded, and clearly on the verge of tears. But she just said
-"I'm sorry sir, but why are you acting like that towards me? I have not at all disturbed you and I am here simply to continue on my journey"
The man, of course, seemed like a stupid jock, and so the girl's words went over his head.
-"Don't talk to me like that you f*** b*** nerd. Look at your f**** anime sh**. I bet you don't even really watch anime or play video games. You just watch attention!"
By then I was fed up, and approached him. Everyone around the station saw it, and I noticed that some people pulled out their phones to film what, in their minds, was going to surely be a battle for the ages. Although I'm not really fit, I am extremely strong, and I look very intimidating. I wear a long coat with fingerless gloves, together with my trademark steampunk goggles, fedora, My Little Pony Shirt (I am a brony) and cane. Everybody knew I meant business.
I tapped on his shoulder and said "I'm sorry sir, but clearly you are disturbing this lady. If you leave right now I promise I will not seek satisfaction... however, if you decide to stay, I will make sure you suffer."
There was a loud "oooooooooh" from the bystanders. The man was big (steroids and synthol, of course) but he could see the fire in my eyes. Still, he said
"F**** you you f*g. I will kill you and this stupid sl**. No anime, My Little Pony f*g is going to tell me what to do".
It was then that, without skipping a beat, I revealed that my cane was also a sword. As soon as I pulled it out of the sheath the man's face turned paper white and he ran for dear life. Everyone around me start yelling and clapping. The girl just looked at me and said
"Thank you so much... you're a hero"
"No, m'lady, I'm just a real gentleman. Many men have forgotten the real way in which a man should act, but I refuse to let the customs of old die out. May I accompany you to your train so as to ensure you reach your destination safely?"
I helped her carry her suitcase and took her to her train. She looked at me and said
"By the way, I'm Mary, but my friends call me Sakura-Kun."
I was in awe.
"That sounds like something out of glorious Nippon, does it not?"
She smiled and winked.

I took the train with her that day. It's been 5 years since, and we married. We watch My Little Pony, anime, Dr. Who, Supernatural, and have anal sex when she has eaten beets."

# ? Aug 18, 2015 11:05

Ratjaculation: Aug 3, 2007

Non Serviam posted:

drat

# ? Aug 18, 2015 11:09

monny: Oct 20, 2008; dollar dollar bill, y'all

Non Serviam posted:

...OR

# ? Aug 18, 2015 11:44

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

# ? Aug 18, 2015 12:36

Weatherman: Jul 30, 2003; WARBLEKLONK

Non Serviam posted:

...OR

# ? Aug 18, 2015 12:56

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

Non Serviam posted:

...OR

Missing a more elaborate description of this dream girl--hair color, cup size, etc. Bonus points would've been awarded for including the words "a light dash of freckles across her nose."

Otherwise, excellent work, would read again 9/10

# ? Aug 18, 2015 14:29

Crow Jane: Oct 18, 2012; nothin' wrong with a lady drinkin' alone in her room

Non Serviam posted:

...OR

I guess I should mention that I held the door at 7-11 for an old black lady yesterday. She was so sweet and grateful she started crying and told me I was the daughter she never had, and we made plans to meet up every week and walk into shops at the same time. Faith in humanity : restored. Now, everyone kneel before me and tell me how post-racial and nice I am.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 14:34

EmmyOk: Aug 11, 2013

I once spoke to an old man in a show about his drinking and he started crying and telling me about his dead wife. I must try again in order to get STDH backpat feeling.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 14:42

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

Ah, yes, permission to shove my dick up someone's rear end: the most coveted of rewards for being popular on the Internet

Actually that seems oddly appropriate.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 15:20

York_M_Chan: Sep 11, 2003

That miscarriage couple's story is getting weirder and weirder:
http://gawker.com/christian-vlogger...dium=socialflow

# ? Aug 18, 2015 15:29

Serperoth: Feb 21, 2013

Non Serviam posted:

...OR

# ? Aug 18, 2015 15:33

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# ? May 28, 2024 14:33

My Lovely Horse: Aug 21, 2010

York_M_Chan posted:

That miscarriage couple's story is getting weirder and weirder:
http://gawker.com/christian-vlogger...dium=socialflow

Wow, that's one hell of a misleading headline and a downright malicious URL.

# ? Aug 18, 2015 15:35

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