quote:

This just got posted anonymously on one of the mums pages that I am on:
NO NAMES PLEASE
ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION....
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT....
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT CHILLI OIL OR VICKS (YEAH THE SMELLY STUFF) ANYWHERE I REPEAT ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR VAGINA!
THIS COMES TO YOU VIA ME THE POOR SUCKER.... SITTING IN THE MATERNITY UNIT WITH MY A$$ AND SAID VAGINA BOILING THE ICE BUCKET IM SITTING IN...
I WANT TO GO BACK TO PEELING MY RAW EGGS (THAT WAS YESTERDAYS BABY BRAIN) NOW....
Im actually laughing.... could be the pain.... could be the stupidity.... could even be the pain relief.... but anyways... just DONT DO IT....
34 weeks pregnant...
DAY ONE OF THE GREAT BURNT BADGER...
Ok soooooooooo i hate chilli HATE IT.... but we have a chilli plant (HAD A PLANT.... I AM BURNING THAT EVIL DEMONIC BASTARD THING IF IF I EVER RECOVER) Im picking the poxy little things for the MR to pickle (he just looooooooooves the rear end in a top hat to burn APPARENTLY well thats what i think) i picked these tiny pathetic little lava suckers.... get in the house and sneeze.... poo poo poo poo poo poo waddle waddle waddle i need to peeeeeeeee waddle waddle DONT LEAK DONT LEAK.... yes made it... omg soooooooooo good..... and wipe.... holy freaking poo poo balls mother fooker god drat im seeing stars the pains intense.... i scream.... hubby comes and gets me and puts me onto the bed.... im screaming and frashing about begging for something anything to stop the burn..... he gets a cold flannel.... it helps.... then Mr says ill put some vaseline on it.... in his rush he grabbed vicks.... he smoothers it on.... the poo poo just slides off as its too hot down stairs to stick BUT it does mat into my nice little mound of lady flufff the stuffs like superglue in cotton wool.....
I am now laying/tossing/thrashing about in bed and have a twat that is burned to the buggery, matted lady fluff thats like a little bush on fire (wish chilli bush was on fire) and i am too scared to pee.... mind due it would probably be cooler than i think.... my bumhole is just as hot.... Ever tried walking to a car with the demonic hell fire pits raging through your groin????!!!!! My legs were spread that drat wide trying to get a cool breeze the neighbours and all saw me wheeled out via the ambulance men again suprised they fitted me through the door as my legs still spread.... mind due the neighbours know my vag was on fire... i was quite vocal about it.... im going to have to move i think.....
The rate i am going i could probably write a book....
Im calling it
Baby brain fook ups and burnt badger
the MR says to me as i am sitting in my god drat ice bucket "honey arent you afraid the ice might i dont know slip in your bum or somewhere........"
No asswipe no fooking way in hell would they do that as the fooking things fooking melt before they get anywhere fooking near it....
The nurses have asked him to go for a walk....
But yes i must admit hairs not a issue anymore(was trying to decided waxed shaved or trimmed for birth).. all smooth.... not sure whether it self combusted and burnt off... or they shaved me or it melted.... fantastic for hair removal....
Now....
I wonder if it will grow BACK.....
Its ok dinner at maternity has arrived...
Chilli con carne....
Can i possibly scream any louder?
I can hear Frozen's "let it go" from the nursery....
Well hopefully tomorrow is better....
DAY 2....
Ok so the badger is recovered not as hot as it was.... farted though and the warm air set my butthole alight.... to scared to poo poo.... mind due the frozen condom ice pops are fantastic but everytime i walk it sounds like fanny farts.... still havent been game to look.... from the feel of things my poor flaps are hanging and feel like bubblewrap.... went for a checkup today.... they saw me and took all their strength not to laugh.... mind due im walking with my legs spread that far the baby will probably fall out.... one wrong move and i will do the splits... was laying down watching a cooking show with the MR hes still not game to come near me.... they were cooking clams.... he smiled adoringly at me.... i threw my coffee cup at his head rear end in a top hat....
Day 3....
BURNT BADGER UPDATE....
MUST MOVE TOWNS STATES EVEN....
NEIGHBOURS LAUGH AND WAVE IF THEY SEE ME....
MATERNITY IS IN HYSTERICS AND BABIES ARE POPPING OUT FROM MUMS LAUGHING....
MY BADGER FEELS LIKE DRIED UP OLD LEATHER....
ALL OF THESE I CAN LIVE WITH....
MY FOOKING CONDOM ICE POLE BADGER COOLER.... WAIT FOR IT....
FELL OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF WOOLIES FRUIT AND VEG....
FELL
OUT
IN
FRONT
OF
MASS
AMOUNTS
OF
PEOPLE
A DELIGHTFUL LITTLE poo poo HEAD OF A TEENAGER SCREAMED HER DILDO FELL OUT...
YEP
WORSE STILL IM HOLDING A.... CUCUMBER....
MY FACIAL CHEEKS ARE NOW JUST AS RED AS THE BADGER.....
Now someone asked if i was wearing knickers.....
Yes i was wearing knickers....
Oh course i was wearing freaking undies did you miss my post about NASA searching my back yard for a ufo which turned out to be my massive loving granny knickers blowing in the wind on the line?
I may be a little out there and all but i do NOT make a habit of running around knicker less....
But there again i also dont make a habit of rubbing chillis on my flange either.....
Nor screaming MY VAG IS ON FIRE....
But this last week i have burnt my badger.... i walk like i have a pineapple up my rear end and freeze condoms full of slush and wedge it in my crack.... gently caress it might as well go all out and just go naked....

Fathis Munk posted:

Is this performance art

kinmik posted:

This poo poo could have happened, but I found this on a tumblr where it's nothing but I AM WOMYN HEAR ME ROAR so no.

Khazar-khum posted:

This one really annoyed me. Who says 'commie' unironically? And gently caress paying extra for condiments, even at an organic, upscale burger place.

kizudarake posted:

Facebook post linked in an article on news.com.au

Crow Jane posted:

Hot pepper juice on the vag is indeed pretty terrible, as I've sadly learned from personal experience. When it happened to me, though, I just spent the evening glaring at my boyfriend with an ice pack between my legs. It didn't turn into a Mr. Bean sketch or make me type like a crazy person or anything.

Khazar-khum posted:

This one really annoyed me. Who says 'commie' unironically? And gently caress paying extra for condiments, even at an organic, upscale burger place.

quote:

TIFU by educating my son too well. (self.tifu)
submitted 9 hours ago by dogboard

My son brought home a permission slip for a physical growth and development class that was taking place at his school. I looked over the subjects that would be discussed, and because he goes to Catholic school, some of the topics I felt were important like masturbation were left out of the curriculum. So, I decided that I would opt him out of the class and sit down with him one-on-one, explaining everything to him as scientifically accurate and honestly as possible. Our talk went great, and I agreed to answer any questions that he had. One of the questions he asked was, "Can an old lady have a child?" and I explained to him that women go through menopause at a certain age, and can then no longer have children. We finished our ice cream and went home. The next day, one of the girls in his class, flaunting her newly acquired knowledge of her body, boasted to my son, "Ha! Im going to go through puberty before you!" To which my son replied, "Yeah, but you'll also stop having babies when you get old, whereas I can make babies until I die". The 10-year-old Catholic girl, who was not taught this fact during yesterday's class, proceeded to burst into tears.

kizudarake posted:

Facebook post linked in an article on news.com.au

Khazar-khum posted:

This one really annoyed me. Who says 'commie' unironically? And gently caress paying extra for condiments, even at an organic, upscale burger place.

hyperhazard posted:

If your customers hate paying for your crappy homemade ketchup to the point where you have to apologize each time, maybe stop selling it? I guarantee you can find bulk organic ketchup somewhere.

PUGGERNAUT posted:

flaunting her newly acquired knowledge of her body,

sweeperbravo posted:

"lady fluff"


Idk what nightmare world the burnt vag lady lives in where vaseline and vicks are in containers that someone who isn't profoundly blind could confuse, that's sad

sweeperbravo posted:

"lady fluff"


Idk what nightmare world the burnt vag lady lives in where vaseline and vicks are in containers that someone who isn't profoundly blind could confuse, that's sad

Fathis Munk posted:

dijon du jour posted:

Nah, that's probably the only part that's believable. In sixth grade our whole class was taken to the health-education center where we were split up and the boys learned about the digestive system while the girls, as I later found out, learned about puberty.

When we left the girls were the most smug "What did we learn? Wouldn't you like to know. " motherfuckers on the planet.

ElGroucho posted:

Jokes on them once their biology is actively torturing them every month.

But I do think if the girls are getting the talk, its probably a good opportunity for some grown rear end man talk. Tell the boys not to jack it sitting down, never trust a woman with all dude friends and not a single girl friend, etc.

dijon du jour posted:

Nah, that's probably the only part that's believable. In sixth grade our whole class was taken to the health-education center where we were split up and the boys learned about the digestive system while the girls, as I later found out, learned about puberty.

When we left the girls were the most smug "What did we learn? Wouldn't you like to know. " motherfuckers on the planet.

ElGroucho posted:

never trust a woman with all dude friends and not a single girl friend, etc.

Samizdata posted:

Never heard that one before. What's wrong with jacking it while sitting? The other advice makes all kinds of sense though.

ElGroucho posted:

It puts pressure on some weird nerve or tube in your perineum, and then you get that feeling that you need to pee but you already did, but you still need to pee, oh god what is wrong with my body

The Aphasian posted:

I have accidentally stepped on and killed two separate pigeons. There is definitely more pop than crunch (most of them goes out the ends), but mostly it's just gross and slippy, like a foil-wrapped burrito that has resistance until it bursts. I did not look at the aftermath either time.

(Both times were in DC and basically city pigeons are everywhere eating crumbs/sand, and you get used to them always darting away at the last minute until they don't.)

Jonathan Yeah! posted:

The Aphasian posted:

I have accidentally stepped on and killed two separate pigeons. There is definitely more pop than crunch (most of them goes out the ends), but mostly it's just gross and slippy, like a foil-wrapped burrito that has resistance until it bursts. I did not look at the aftermath either time.

(Both times were in DC and basically city pigeons are everywhere eating crumbs/sand, and you get used to them always darting away at the last minute until they don't.)

The Aphasian posted:

I walk quickly and am normally not paying too much attention to anything other than cars at intersections. It is gross and embarrassing and I wish I hadn't done it, but a conversation about pigeons being crushed was started and I, foolishly, thought "Oh, I actually have firsthand experience with this."

Why would I need to prove I've accidentally stomped on pigeons? Why would I lie about it? I don't know. Internet is a weird place.

Now if you'll excuse me, everyone in my office is applauding me for having told off an online person I disagree with, so I have to go out to a party they are throwing in my honor.

Crow Jane posted:

Do you like, goosestep down the street? I'm trying to visualize someone walking normally even lifting their feet high enough to step on a pigeon, and I just don't see it happening.

The Aphasian posted:

I will now get caught in the trap of trying to repeat something I'm sure my memory has filled in with details that weren't originally present, thereby discrediting myself the more I try to over-explain something.

I was walking quickly and passed under a scaffolding covering the entire sidewalk between the shop (? maybe offices, I don't remember) entrances and street, one of those setups with metal pipes fitted together with slats of board overhead to protect pedestrians and plywood sides up to about waist height. Some pigeons were picking apart food waste near a garbage can and I went to step over one as another darted away. Then the one that darted away encountered the scaffolding and turned around to end up right back under my foot. Because momentum is a thing that exists, I had already put my weight/center of balance over my right foot and couldn't react in time. I stepped on it. It resisted for a fraction of a second and then burst. I almost fell on my rear end because my foot tried to slip out from under me and ended up basically grinding that foot down into the hopefully dead pigeon before I could regain my balance and put my other foot down not in mess. I walked quickly away because the whole thing was insane and I was convinced it would look, to an outside observer, like I had lifted my foot up, stomped on a pigeon trying to escape, and ground my heel in.

The second pigeon was in Dupont Circle and, again, I lifted my foot higher to step over it and the fucker weaved back under my foot the second I thought I had cleared it.

I hit something (cat or raccoon) in my car once on a country road at night because it ran across in front of me to the left, back halfway to the right, and to the left again like an idiot.

But that car was a Mercedes-Benz 770, so maybe I WAS goosestepping. In any case, now I don't lift my foot to step over them, I just sort of drag my feet, so hopefully in 5 years none of you will believe the crazy story of how I gently kicked a pigeon over.

ElGroucho posted:

It puts pressure on some weird nerve or tube in your perineum, and then you get that feeling that you need to pee but you already did, but you still need to pee, oh god what is wrong with my body

Non Serviam posted:

I'm 31... I don't want to believe such a big part of my life was a mistake.
Do you have a source for this?

The Aphasian posted:

I stepped on it. It resisted for a fraction of a second and then burst.

ElGroucho posted:

It puts pressure on some weird nerve or tube in your perineum, and then you get that feeling that you need to pee but you already did, but you still need to pee, oh god what is wrong with my body

ElGroucho posted:

It puts pressure on some weird nerve or tube in your perineum, and then you get that feeling that you need to pee but you already did, but you still need to pee, oh god what is wrong with my body

Decrepus posted:

How would the teachers know how to deal with your hosed up cock?