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For the non-religious among you, how do you talk to small kids about death? Do you have any books you've liked? There hasn't been a death in the family (human or otherwise), but my three and half year old is asking some insightful questions, along the lines of "where is your grandma?" I said something about living on in our memories, and a few days later she asked "when is baby brother going to live in our memories?"
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Sep 16, 2015 02:39
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/\/\ My father died almost 20 years ago. My oldest (7) is named after him, and he knows it. He's asked many times over the years where my father is, and it always goes the same way (from when he was about 2): He was very sick. So sick, doctors couldn't help him, and his body just couldn't work. So he died. You may hear some people say the words "passed away", and that means died. Dead is not asleep; people don't wake up from dead. They're gone. Yes, I was sad. Very sad. But I didn't feel sad forever, and I remember all the things about him without feeling so sad now. It's part of why we named you after him. You having his name makes me feel happy because it's like he's still here, just a tiny bit. This may help if you have to face a death, while your daughter is little. Mr. Rodgers had a bit with Lady Aberlene and Daniel Tiger from way back when Kennedy was assassinated. It's in black and white, so maybe not exactly for today's kid, but the message translates well across time. Lady Aberlene blows up a balloon for Daniel Tiger and they talk about the balloon being filled with air. Then she lets the air out, and the balloon is empty, and Daniel Tiger is sad. But the air didn't disappear; it joined the rest of the air in the room. We can't see it anymore, and we can't put that exact air back into the balloon either, but the air is still around us. Living things are like the balloon, of course. And so, grandma is still in our minds and hearts, like the air is in the room, even though we can't see her anymore. (The air could certainly be likened to a soul, for anyone so inclined.  )Also, I don't think it's good to use any sort of polite euphemism regarding death. No "putting/going to sleep" or anything. Kids don't get being delicate, and it will make them afraid to sleep--or afraid for you to sleep! We also have the philosophy that we shouldn't hide death. We eat dead animals, for instance, not something detached from "real" cows and such. Plants die, animals die, (pets die), people die too. (But people live a loooong time, much longer than cats and fish, and there's no reason to be worried about Mommy or Daddy.) We don't dwell on it, of course, but when questions come up, we've never run from it. (Except when his beta died the same day as our cat. Mr. Cookie hustled his rear end to PetSmart for another blue beta STAT that day. I just didn't think the kid needed another blow  )
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Sep 16, 2015 03:24
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This book is pretty much the go-to for explaining death to kids.
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Sep 16, 2015 03:24
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My two year old finally realised last night that she could climb out of her crib and open the door to her room if she didn't feel like sleeping just yet (she just about gave my husband a heart attack when he went into the kitchen and found her standing there). What's your experiences with the best way to tackle things until she learns to stay in her room/is big enough not to be a danger to herself if she wanders out into the apartment in the middle of the night? We're concidering a gate on her door, or one of those chain security locks, so she can open it a little, but not enough to actually get out, but I'm concerned about that being a fire hazard. But at just turned two she's too young for me to feel comfortable about her possibly wandering freely around the house while we're sleeping.
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Sep 16, 2015 08:46
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Get a chain lock and a fire alarm. Fires are rarer than regular household accidents.
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Sep 16, 2015 09:57
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TacoNight posted:For the non-religious among you, how do you talk to small kids about death? Do you have any books you've liked? The Longest Shortest Time podcast recently had an episode about explaining death to children. The guest Sarah Troop is a death worker who has a background in early childhood education. One of the questions specifically dealt with explaining the concept of death to very little children and I think she handled it very well. http://longestshortesttime.com/episode-65-kids-ask-about-death/
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Sep 16, 2015 13:16
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I'd say a gate, just because I can imagine a chain on the door might end up with a lot of door slamming and trapped fingers in my house. We use a gate to keep our two year old in which works but isn't perfect - you basically have to move anything they can use to move over and climb on (which ends up being a lot more than you could have imagined)
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Sep 16, 2015 13:16
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You could use one of those childproof doorknobs so she can't open the door.
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Sep 16, 2015 14:53
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Thanks for all the advice! We hadn't even concidered changing the doorknob itself. (And we do have fire alarms - almost as many smoke alarms as we've got rooms, in fact! I just worried about fumbling with a chain lock in a panicky smoke-filled situation) On kids and death - my mother died recently, and my daughter was convinced that the funeral was her birthday - she was wearing a dress, and everyone else had dressed up! Which speaks volumes about how often my child wears a dress... At just turned two she had no idea of what was happening at all, she was just wondering why we were all sad. We explained that grandma is gone, and we're all crying because that makes us sad, and that all the people in the church are there and have brought flowers because they all loved grandma very much. She didn't seem to care much, which is natural, but I'm expecting to talk about it repeatedly when she's older. And during the funeral, when they were playing a tremendously sad and beautiful piece of music that my mother specifically requested (Spiegel im Spiegel, by Arvo Pärt), while everyone else was crying, my kid was just dancing by herself to the music, which was such a joy to behold in the middle of all the sadness. I know my mum would've loved that.
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Sep 16, 2015 15:13
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Sockmuppet posted:Thanks for all the advice! We hadn't even concidered changing the doorknob itself. Just wanted to add that I was mainly referring to these things: http://www.amazon.com/Mommys-Helper-Door-Safety-Cover/dp/B000MF518O So it's not as difficult as changing the doorknob would be. That's what my parent's used when I was a kid.
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Sep 16, 2015 15:22
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I think Sockmuppet lives in Norway, we don't have round doorknobs here.
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Sep 16, 2015 15:25
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Midnight Sun posted:I think Sockmuppet lives in Norway, we don't have round doorknobs here. Haha, yep, I do, which is probably why altering the doorknob hadn't occured to me I've googled around for available solutions now, but there don't seem to be any doorknob-specific ones for sale here. Mr Sockmuppet bought a simple hook-lock today, we'll see how that works out. At least it'll keep her from roaming the halls when we're asleep.
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Sep 16, 2015 15:29
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Midnight Sun posted:I think Sockmuppet lives in Norway, we don't have round doorknobs here. Ah, I didn't realize. Well they have these too though I've never used one: http://www.amazon.com/Safety-1st-Lever-Handle-Lock/dp/B0009EXOGE While I was looking around, I also found this which would let them leave the door cracked: http://www.amazon.com/Door-Monkey-Lock-Pinch-Guard/dp/B004ECJWK4
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Sep 16, 2015 15:30
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On kids and death. We coincidentally just had an interesting conversation with our 4 year old. He came into our bed this morning and this is what I heard as I was waking up. Mom? You know something, when a bee stings you, it hurts. Yes, it does hurt. When I was 3, a bee stung me, but then it got dead. [He turned 4 just 5 days ago, most of his stories have since started with "when I was 3"] Really? Yes, I didn't see it dead though. No, they have some time to fly away and die somewhere else. Yeah. Hhmm, you know, mom? If all bees get dead at the same time, there will be no more honey! That's right, wow, imagine that! There will still be some honey in the supermarket though. [It cracks me up every time he uses "though", I don't know why] Yup, for a while. You know, you and dad are going to get dead too. Oh? Yeah. Not me, because I'm a kid. Exactly. But you are, just not now, in a long time. Yes, we will be very old first. Yeah, daddy will be and old old man, and you an old old woman. Yup!I think some of that came from my first human-death talk with him, which happened a few weeks ago during our special dinner (mom's yoga class). He started saying how we, and everyone, including his friends and everyone in the whole world would "get dead" someday. Then he said something like: "And you will get dead, and mom will get dead, and... [he went really serious] I... will be all alone. Who will stay with me?". I explained that it would take a long time and he would have many friends and likely a family, just like we have one now. He smiled and said "yeah! And you will be old like grandpa, and I will have a baby like you and mom had me!"
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Sep 16, 2015 19:40
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Werner-Boogle posted:Get a chain lock and a fire alarm. Fires are rarer than regular household accidents. LOL, thanks Fire Marshal Bill. As someone who actually works in fire protection design, under no circumstances should you do this.
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Sep 16, 2015 21:54
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One more follow-up to the whole colored bear situation: Yesterday was a rough day. Today I have been a lot more zen about everything, and when I learned he got a yellow bear I was expecting it and actually was ok with it. Clearly, there is something that needs to be fixed. The teacher had a mini-conference with me, to try to figure out what we can do for my son. Turns out, ALL of his acting out is after lunch. Which means, either he needs to burn off the energy he gets from lunch at recess or something, and/or we need to fix what we are giving him for lunch. For my part, I am eliminating one of his fruit snacks and replacing it with a small container of nuts. Maybe cutting out some of the sugar will eliminate some of the excess energy he has after he eats. Now it will be a fruit pouch, a PB&J and a small container of nuts. He drinks water from the school fountains. And he has a string cheese earlier in the day for a snack. The teacher promised she will try to get him outside after lunch and encourage him to run laps to burn off his extra energy. It kind of floored me that she hadn't really put it together yet that his behavior is literally just him trying to burn his extra energy. He's been screaming with excitement, he's been running around the classroom, he's been a kid! And he's been stuck in a classroom all day! Part of me is wondering if I should find a different school for him. He's super smart but just needs to be more active in his school setting, and from what I gathered kindergarten is a lot more sitting in a classroom and less recess and physical activity. Which is seriously bumming me out. Thanks for all the advice and encouragement. He really loves school, he really loves learning, but it turns out he's the second youngest kid in the class - maybe he's just not ready for a classroom yet. We're going to give it more time, and see if a bit more physical activity and a slight change in diet might help him control his impulses later in the schoolday.
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Sep 16, 2015 23:05
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VorpalBunny posted:He's super smart but just needs to be more active in his school setting, and from what I gathered kindergarten is a lot more sitting in a classroom and less recess and physical activity. Which is seriously bumming me out. FWIW, I think this probably varies wildly from area to area, and individual school to school. At my kids' elementary school, the smaller kids (K-2) get two recesses (one after 11 a.m. lunch, and one in the afternoon), and this school year, they've instituted a fifth "block" and the kids get a second gym with Health class. (Each day is a "block", A-E, and they have library, music, art, gym, and health/gym.) Kids also are encouraged to bring an afternoon snack to eat sometime mid afternoon as determined by the teacher (last year, the class snacked during journal time, this year, they're given the option to get their snack either before or after recess.) You'll get it sorted out.  He'll figure out what he needs to be doing, the teachers will figure out what he needs, and you'll figure out how to best help him. Right now, my 4 y.o. is struggling to sit still during circle time, and sparked a large, multi-child wrestling pile up this week. And that's just this week. There are only two reasons why I'm not beside myself: 1) I know the teachers very well, and trust them completely, and mostly 2) I've already lived through this phase with my 7 y.o., and had enough ulcers and freaking out for two kids then. The teachers tell me what's going on, I work on reminding him about how we act at school, and they figure it'll all be worked out and settled down by the Halloween party. It's a learning process for everyone. It'll work out for us, and it'll work out for you too.
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Sep 17, 2015 20:26
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I just want to mention that my kid has special needs. As part of his annual IEP meeting every year, a teacher from the grade he will be going into is part of the team. That teacher is there to weigh in as to what the standards and expectations are for the kids in that grade. I remember when he was transitioning into Kindergarten and we were talking about his ability to attend to tasks for extended periods of time. Well, with my kid, we actually have numbers. If he's got a goal for it, there are metrics involved. There is *someone* measuring and writing down timing and successes and failures, etc. So we were sitting there writing this goal for him to sit and attend at something like circle time...and we decided that since he could currently sit for 10 minutes in circle time, providing that circle time included a few instances of either music or some sort of call-and-response activity to keep him engaged, we wanted to write that goal for 15 minutes. The general ed kindergarten teacher's input was: "I can't even tell you how thrilled I would be to get the *typically developed* kids in my class to sit in one activity for 10 minutes...If he can do that already, he's way ahead of the game."
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Sep 18, 2015 01:38
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What are the pros and cons about having your newborn sleep in the same room as you? I'm kind of indifferent, but my wife would rather not do that.
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Sep 20, 2015 17:59
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Baby in bed with you: Pro, your wife will learn to nurse laying in bed and everyone will get some sleep. Baby in other room: Pro, your wife will get sleep while you hold a baby trying to keep baby asleep and walk circles in the floor.  Don't mind me I'm in the midst of potty training ...
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Sep 20, 2015 18:10
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Sleeping in the room with you is great, you can respond quickly to any need. Though I'd recommend a bassinet instead of your own bed.
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Sep 20, 2015 20:12
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We tried keeping our son in the same room but it didn't work out for us. He ended up bottle-fed so nursing was a non-issue, and when baby woke he'd wake both of us so we both got less sleep overall. We moved him down the hall to his crib and did half-night shifts so we'd each get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep every night. Now, at 13 months, I think his silent reflux is finally medicated properly so he's not waking 3+ times a night like he always did. When he does wake up, though, he stays up for an hour or two. Completely refuses to go back down, no matter if we give him a bottle, or rock him, or rub his back in the crib, etc etc. Hoping it's just a phase!
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Sep 20, 2015 20:15
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We tried to have our bub sleep in our room, but as a newborn she was a NOISY sleeper! She just grunted and squeaked all night long. Didn't take us long to move her to her own room - though dad often slept in there with her(because he slept through the grunts and woke up when she cried). At 5 months she's stopped being so noisy, but we're comfortable with using the monitor from our room.
Big Bug Hug fucked around with this message at 23:40 on Sep 20, 2015 |
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Sep 20, 2015 23:33
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hooah posted:What are the pros and cons about having your newborn sleep in the same room as you? I'm kind of indifferent, but my wife would rather not do that. A list of pros and cons doesn't really matter, because you and the baby are just going to end up figuring out what works for you anyway. There's no lasting damage to be done, either way, if that's what you're worried about.
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Sep 20, 2015 23:56
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Our daughter stayed in our room for 8 months or so in a crib near our bed. It wasn't that bad for us. We had planned on only keeping her in there for a shorter period of time, but our daughter was really picky with bottle temperature, so we ended up not bottle feeding at night because it was too annoying having to get up, go downstairs and warm up a bottle while she was screaming her lungs out the entire time. It was just easier for my wife to roll out of bed, grab her out of the crib, feed her, then just plopped back into bed. She could basically nod off while feeding, and it was minimally disruptive to me - I eventually ended up often just sleeping through it. We moved her to her own room once she was consistently only waking up once a night. One sort of downside was we basically slept on the baby's schedule as we didn't want to wake her up getting ready for bed. We were basically in bed by 9 o'clock every day. I only say it was sort of a downside, because we were so tired we'd probably have been in bed early anyways. gninjagnome fucked around with this message at 00:15 on Sep 21, 2015 |
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Sep 21, 2015 00:12
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Our kids are two and sleep in the same room as us still, they've always had their own beds though.
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Sep 21, 2015 07:48
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hooah posted:What are the pros and cons about having your newborn sleep in the same room as you? I'm kind of indifferent, but my wife would rather not do that. I think the SIDS guideline say the best option is to have babies in the same room as parents but not in the same bed for the first six months. Really though I don't think the difference is massive as it is such a tiny risk anyway and there are other factors that are a lot more established, so it probably just comes down to what suits you best. We had Connor in a cot in our room until he was well over two (we had planned to move him out earlier but a load of other stuff happened which made waiting more sensible) and it was fine - he would sleep through anything and was a quiet sleeper. With Eleanor we moved her out into her own room at about 19 months and looking back it might have been better to do it earlier. As soon as she went into her own room she went from waking up 4 or 5 times a night to waking up once which stopped a couple of days after I stopped feeding her when she woke up. But in the early days when they are supposed to wake up all through the night it was far easier having them in with us and not having to traipse about the house to get them.
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Sep 21, 2015 14:07
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Any advice for a bit of a potty training regression? We had amazing results for the first few weeks and pee is still very consistently in the potty with few accidents, but over the past three days Sydney's refused to poop at all, and has privately confided in me that 'pooping is scary'. We're in underwear full-time but it seems like instead of accidents, she's holding it in completely. Really hoping she poops today, whether in the potty or not, because she's been eating like a champ and has to be blocked up a bit. We considered constipation and fed her a couple of prunes the other day, but no effect. I don't know if a stronger laxative would be a good idea at this point, but if it goes another couple days we pretty much have to, no?
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Sep 21, 2015 16:04
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I was just wondering if people had any book they'd like to recommend? I'm looking at parent effectiveness training and other similar methods and was wondering if anyone could vouch for some of them.
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Sep 21, 2015 17:47
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flashy_mcflash posted:Any advice for a bit of a potty training regression? We had amazing results for the first few weeks and pee is still very consistently in the potty with few accidents, but over the past three days Sydney's refused to poop at all, and has privately confided in me that 'pooping is scary'. We're in underwear full-time but it seems like instead of accidents, she's holding it in completely. Really hoping she poops today, whether in the potty or not, because she's been eating like a champ and has to be blocked up a bit. My oldest refused to poop on the toilet for the longest time. Long past when we switched to daytime underwear. He'd save it up for night and poop in his Pull-Up. I knew he knew what he was doing, (he was 4!) so I thought I'd try and put a stop to it. Ha! He held it for 5 days because I wouldn't put a Pull-Up on him (trying to break him of the habit of willfully holding it until he could poop in a Pull-Up.) I called the Ped and they said not to worry about it making himself sick until 7 days.  I know. They said to give him a glycerin suppository so he'd relieve himself immediately, and then a little Miralax, based on weight, every other day and it would sort itself out. I did the glycerin suppository, and it was awful. Awful. Then I did the Miralax every other day for a little while after that, and he stopped holding it in, but still wouldn't poop on the potty for a few more weeks after that. It was a horrible, useless, power-struggle that I regretted. My advice to you would be don't push pooping in the potty at all. Ask her if she'd be more comfortable pooping in a diaper or whatever for right now. If she thinks pooping is scary, don't make it more so. Seriously, I just wouldn't push the issue. In my experience with potty training, (comparing my older son with my younger son), I wish I would have just skipped all the trying and trying with my oldest and just let him alone. My younger one potty trained literally in a day. I'd ask him a couple times a day if he wanted to try the potty, he'd say no, and I'd say, okay. This went on for months. Then, one day, he announced he was going to use the potty now, and requested underwear. That was it. He was just past 3.
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Sep 21, 2015 18:55
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My kid is getting pretty good about pooping on the potty. I think he didn't quite understand what the sensations were at first, but I think he is starting to get it. He's excellent with his pee. He even holds his pee all night and thinks its funny to start and stop his stream in the toilet. He now gets a full sized Reese Cup if he poops successfully in the potty. Its a huge prize for him and one of the few foods that motivates him to do something. It took us keeping a training potty in our family room and making him sit on it for long periods of time while he watched videos until something happened.
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Sep 21, 2015 21:24
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Alterian posted:My kid is getting pretty good about pooping on the potty. I think he didn't quite understand what the sensations were at first, but I think he is starting to get it. He's excellent with his pee. He even holds his pee all night and thinks its funny to start and stop his stream in the toilet. Our kids are right around the same age I think, and ours just successfully peed in the potty for the first time yesterday. For the last week or so, we've been letting him watch movies if he sits on the potty while he watches. He had never gotten any type of TV or movies, so it's a huge reward for him. He made it through Wall-E, Finding Nemo, and some hour-long Sesame Street special before he finally actually went to the bathroom in the potty. :itshappening:
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Sep 22, 2015 00:16
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Jasper knows the routine well enough in the morning now that he wakes up and comes to us and says "Potty THEN videos!" He's starting to do it on his own first thing without us prompting. He really likes to watch his Peppa Pig while his breakfast is being made.
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Sep 22, 2015 00:41
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AlistairCookie posted:My oldest refused to poop on the toilet for the longest time. Long past when we switched to daytime underwear. He'd save it up for night and poop in his Pull-Up. I knew he knew what he was doing, (he was 4!) so I thought I'd try and put a stop to it. Ha! He held it for 5 days because I wouldn't put a Pull-Up on him (trying to break him of the habit of willfully holding it until he could poop in a Pull-Up.) I called the Ped and they said not to worry about it making himself sick until 7 days. Thanks so much for this! She actually had an accident on the playground today so I'm not that worried about her being blocked up, but I'm not going to push things at all (so to speak) until she gives signals that she's ready to try again. The situation with your younger kid was pretty close to our experience but she probably needs a little more time for her to figure out poo. I can definitely see how the suppository/meds route would only increase her fear of pooping. I'm gonna keep trying the prunes though, but more because she loves them (?!) than for their laxative properties.
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Sep 22, 2015 04:23
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We went with the zero pressure potty training, and it was like goddamn magic with our 2.5 year old. It wasn't quick, quite a few months of constantly mentioning the potty, but never, ever pressuring. He'd do a wee in his potty before bath time some nights, but no real interest besides that. A few weeks ago he woke up, told my wife he wanted to wear undies, and that was it. Had a couple accidents in the first week, but he's gotten so good that he wasn't even wet his nappy the past 4 nights, and I haven't had to remind him during the day in at least a week or so. He was actually mad at me last night because I wouldn't let him sleep in his undies. If he goes a few more days, I'm going to have to give in and go undies full time. This is mind blowing, cause up until the day he decided he was potty trained, he would soak through his nappy at night at least twice a week. And he had been constipated for months (I've posted earlier on that), with only Movical (same thing as Miralax) keeping him at least somewhat regular. And even then, he was only doing a real honest to god poo every 10-14 days, most days he would have a couple runny poos, which had just worked their way around the blockage. The doc told us as long as he kept getting something out, and had a decent poo occasionally it would likely work itself out at potty training. And he was completely right, the poo schedule instantly changed to every 2-3 days, and is now every 1-3 days, so bang on normal. I'd love to claim any sort of credit, but in reality it's all on the kid, and we just got really, really lucky.
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Sep 22, 2015 08:05
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There is some weird stuff on YouTube that my toddler is obsessed with. Grown people unwrapping little toys (I now know what a blind bag is), playing with action figures, making surprise eggs out of play dough. My kid is more interested in watching this stuff than actual cartoons.
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Sep 23, 2015 12:21
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frenchnewwave posted:There is some weird stuff on YouTube that my toddler is obsessed with. Grown people unwrapping little toys (I now know what a blind bag is), playing with action figures, making surprise eggs out of play dough. My kid is more interested in watching this stuff than actual cartoons. Yes, what is with this. My toddler's latest obsession is the DisneyCarToys channel where the lady plays with Baby Alive dolls. It's so creepy.
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Sep 23, 2015 13:03
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frenchnewwave posted:There is some weird stuff on YouTube that my toddler is obsessed with. Grown people unwrapping little toys (I now know what a blind bag is), playing with action figures, making surprise eggs out of play dough. My kid is more interested in watching this stuff than actual cartoons. My boy absolutely loved videos of chicks hatching. He's obsessed.
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Sep 23, 2015 15:48
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From a bizarrely early age, my kid loved videos of people in nude underwear doing modern dance. We must've watched the Sia video Chandelier a thousand times, eventually my daughter was mimicing the movements in exact time with the screen when she wasn't even watching. She just about died when the second one with Shia LaBeuf came out, and the David LaChapelle-directed video of a ballet dancer in nude underwear dancing to Take Me To Church was an instant hit. There was also a week when we watched everything YouTube had to offer of walking tours of great cathedrals.
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Sep 23, 2015 20:40
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| # ? May 31, 2024 10:42 |
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Since he was a few months old, our son could endlessly watch the Cello Wars video. Once, when he was about a year and 3 months old, he got his little guitar/ukulele and started  playing along using his plush light sabre as a bow (initially made for his Halloween's Darth Vader costume).
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Sep 23, 2015 20:53
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