- Hadaka Apron
- Feb 12, 2015
-
|
quote:
My self-summary
MESSAGE ME. I DONT BITE. BECAUSE ITS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO DO SO VIA THE INTERNET. I MAKE NO PROMISES FOR IRL THO.
First things first, I don't want to gently caress you right now, tonight, or tomorrow. I, also, don't want to cyber gently caress you. I don't want to phone gently caress you. I don't want to kik gently caress you. I don't want to FaceTime gently caress you. I don't want to Skype gently caress you. I don't want to gently caress you after only five minutes of conversation. I. DONT. WANT. TO. gently caress. YOU. We haven't even met yet. The only loving I'm down for rn is you loving off.
(Disclaimer: Don't take this to mean I don't like to gently caress because I do. Very much. It's just that cyber and the other various forms of faux loving don't do it for me. I need flesh and sweat and moaning in my ear. AND my days of one night stands & "hookups" & FWBs & the like are long gone. I want good sex. Really good sex. Amazing sex even. I want regular, consistent, as-close-to-everyday-as-possible sex.)
So, be honest, does this profile look long on me?
READ THIS OR DIE READ THIS OR DIE READ THIS OR DIE READ THIS OR DIE READ THIS OR DIE READ THIS OR DIE:
If you send me a message that only contains "hey" or "hey gurrrl u so sexy" or "hi" or "hi beautiful" or " " or good morning/afternoon/evening" or "how are you" or "how's it going" or "what's happening" or "what's up" or any derivations thereof, don't expect much of a message in response, if at all. You get as much effort out of me as you put in.
Nineteen Things You Should Know Before Messaging Me:
1. If you're intimidated by my profile, I don't want to know you.
2. If you think my profile is too long, I don't want to know you.
3. If you think I'm being a hardass, who is asking for too much, A. STFU and B. I don't want to know you.
4. If you think any of the above, then why TF are you even messaging me in the first place?
5. Please tell me how long my profile is because NO. ONE. ELSE. IN. THE. HISTORY. OF. SPACE. AND. TIME. HAS. EVER told me that. Oh, and give me "advice" and "tips" on how to "improve" my profile. I can't get enough of the "helpful" suggestions of strangers. No, "really."
6. I don't care if you're horny. Never have. Never will until the end of time and then 100 years after that. Telling me I make you horny is NOT a compliment nor the least bit appealing. I already know I can make a dick hard. You and your dick ain't that special.
7. I don't want to hear what you think about my body or any of its various parts. I don't want to hear what you would like to do to me, my body, or my body parts sexually. I certainly don't want to hear any of this in explicit detail. This is called sexual harassment (AKA unwanted attention of a sexual nature) and you're a super creepy, disgusting, vomit-inducing, nasty, perverted, revolting, waste-of-space, worthless rear end in a top hat if you do it (especially if you do so AFTER reading this).
8. I don't want to Skype with you. I've never Skyped before, in fact. No, I don't want you to teach me how. The same applies to FaceTime.
9. The only kik I'd like to give you is a swift kick straight to the groin and possibly the nose, if the mood so strikes me.
10. No, I don't want to send you my nudes. No, I don't want to see yours.
11. No, I don't want to watch you masturbate. No, I won't masturbate for you.
12. I don't want to text you. We don't know each other like that and aren't we already on a site that can facilitate chat?
13. No, I don't have a webcam, but if I did... the answer would still be no.
14. I don't want to talk dirty to you online or off or ever. I don't want phone sex or cyber sex. There are numbers you can call and websites you can visit for that and I, wholeheartedly, suggest you do. Sex workers need to get paid, too.
15. I don't want to sit on your face, peg you, or dominate you. None of that appeals to me, personally, in the slightest. But don't stop looking. There are plenty of people out there willing to fulfill those types of desires (again, I'm not one of those people). Just be sure they have actually expressed an interest in these activities before asking them to do anything of that nature. No one wants to receive a sexual proposition cold call.
16. No, you can't spank me or beat me or use me or tie me up. No, I will not submit to you. We just started talking. I don't know you. I wouldn't trust you with a hard-boiled egg. Why would I trust you with my safety and well-being?
17. No, I will not call you Sir, Master, or Daddy. We just met.
18. YES, a million times yes, I WILL take money & giftcards & money & presents & cash money & signed blank checks & credit cards & an iPhone 6S Plus w/ 128 gigs in rose gold & bouquets of gorgeous flowers & jewelry (with lots of conflict-free diamonds) & money & more money & even more money & paid rent & paid tuition & money & trips to the salon/spa & fine dining & luxury vehicles & shopping sprees & high end makeup & private jet trips to exotic places, historic places, ALL the places & an unlimited trust fund & parties where Bey and Jay personally serenade me & moneymoneymoney100dollarbillsyall
from you.
19. If you read my profile and DON'T send me a message... well, I can't really do all that much about it, can I? I WILL, however, glare in your general direction. And my evil eye game is strong. So, you know, do so at your own risk.
**********
ATTENTIONATTENTIONATTENTION: I knooooow my profile is long. You may feel a clear and present urge to point this out, but please, please DO resist with all your might. I wrote the drat thing. I'm well aware of its size. And unlike all y'all boys out there, I possess an innate ability to accurately, honestly assess and gauge the length and thickness of things, without a pathological urge to inflate and exaggerate.
So, since you, I, and every other person with functioning eyesight and basic common sense have established that my profile is pretty drat long, I will concede that you don't, technically, have to read the entire thing (although it sure would be nice and, come on, it's not like this is Finnegans Wake or War and Peace) before you message me, but you really need to read all the asterisks in the beginning here, at the very least. And then you can Choose-Your-Own-Adventure the rest of the way, if you like.
BUT no matter how much or little you read of it, I am not now, nor am I ever, accepting suggestions on how to "improve" my profile. It's pretty boss as is.
Brevity is for babies who have no concept of object permanence, personal space, or digestive etiquette.
Fair warning, though, if you choose not to read my profile, I will, more than likely, gently caress with you to my heart's content.
**********
* If you're American and you're not outraged and incensed about the routine execution of Black lives by police in the United States, I don't have time for you because I don't make time for racists.
* No justice. No peace. gently caress the police.
* Don't be racist.
* Don't participate in cultural appropriation. This includes, but is not limited to, white people (and any others who are not Black) wearing dreadlocks and saying the n-word, wearing Native headdresses when you're not Native and haven't earned the right to wear one, wearing a bindi when you're not of South Asian descent. So, basically, moral of the story is... Don't steal poo poo that's not yours and claim it as your own. Don't claim you're just "appreciating" the culture, either. I mean, I know historically that's what white people do best (steal and claim ownership/invention), but come on. Be better. Do better than your average, ignorant, white person.
* Don't be anti-Semitic, Islamophobic, or xenophobic.
* Don't be sexist or misogynistic.
* Don't be whorephobic and don't slut-shame.
* Know what the phrase "rape culture" means.
* Be sex-positive and sex-worker-friendly.
* Don't talk poo poo about sex workers. That includes strippers, escorts, cam girls, and prostitutes. That includes sex workers working to pay their way through college, sex workers working to put food on the table for their kids, and sex workers working to pay for their next hit.
* Support the decriminalization of prostitution.
* Support the decriminalization of drugs.
* Believe that drug addiction is a health issue, not a criminal or moral one.
* Don't be homophobic.
* Don't be transphobic.
* Don't be fatphobic.
* Don't be classist.
* Don't be ableist.
* Speak carefully, conscientiously, and with purpose. Words mean things. Don't use slurs, racially charged terms, or otherwise offensive language. Not even if you're "just joking," because no, not everything can or should be made into a joke.
* Don't support the death penalty.
* Support euthanasia and death with dignity.
* Be pro-choice. No ifs, ands, buts, or exceptions.
* Be a feminist ally.
* Be open-minded.
* Don't talk poo poo about immigrants, welfare recipients, the homeless, or fat people.
* Be nice to retail/food service/janitorial workers, the elderly, and animals.
* Smile at babies who smile at you. When a toddler waves at you or says hi to you, do the same in return. If a little kid shows you a picture they drew and is proud as poo poo about it, tell them it's awesome. Just be sweet to miniature humans, okay? They're at that great stage in human development where they're not assholes yet.
* Don't drive like a jackass.
* Believe in global warming and evolution.
* Give some semblance of a gently caress for the environment.
* Don't belong to the NRA or the Republican Party.
* Support universal healthcare, welfare, and a living wage.
* Don't suck at the teat of capitalism because it sure as gently caress ain't sucking ya back.
* Believe that water, food, clothing, shelter, education, and healthcare are basic human rights that everyone deserves to have and no one should have to go without due to lack of financial means.
* Recognize and check your privilege on a daily basis (whether it be white, male, straight, cis, class, able-bodied or any combination thereof).
* Know what intersectionality is.
* Don't be a conservative, a Christian, an anti-feminist, an anti-SJW, a men's rights activist, a Nice Guy™, a NOT-ALL-MEN-er, an ALL-LIVES-MATTER-er, an egalitarian/humanist, and/or a pick-up artist.
* Believe that no person is illegal, that deportation is inhumane, and that borders are arbitrary and useless.
* Have, at the very least, a passing knowledge of current events.
* Be mad. If you're not mad, you're not paying attention.
* Believe in extremely strict gun laws and regulations. Do NOT mindlessly cling to the 2nd amendment as if it has any bearing on you or relevance to your life here in 2015. Believe that we need to follow the examples of countless other "civilized" nations, who are doing the exact, right thing regarding guns and gun violence, which can clearly be seen in the number of gun deaths that occur each year in those countries.
* You must be able to incorporate Spaghetti-Os into your lovemaking repetoire. No exceptions. And none of that generic bullshit. I'm a brand-name bitch.
* Be anti-military and anti-war, but pro-veteran.
* Don't believe in such fanciful notions as reverse racism, "pulling the race card," reverse sexism, meninism, misandry, hetereophobia, cisphobia, intelligent design/creationism, the friend zone, skinny shaming, or Santa Claus. Unicorns and ewoks, though? Totally fine.
* Do NOT defend confederate flags at all, ever, in the slightest. Don't display confederate flags. Don't wear confederate flags. Don't put up confederate flag decor in your home. Don't dress up your pets or your kids or your inanimate objects in confederate flags. The ONLY acceptable place for a confederate flag is at the bottom of a bonfire. ABOVE ALL ELSE, don't you dare claim that the meaning of the confederate flag is anything but racist.
* If you liked American Sniper or 50 Shades of Grey, don't talk to me. I hate you already.
* I give fantastic, mind-altering, life-changing blow jobs. This bitch can suck a motherfucking dick. Best believe that. My mouth is crack for your cock. I also take it up the butt. So, you know, keep that in mind. Just go ahead and tuck it away into the deep recesses of your mind for future reference.
* I'll be voting for Bernie Sanders at each and every possible opportunity in the various elections to come. You should be, too. Or, at the very least, you should NOT be voting for a Republican. And you should be hoping and praying for the untimely demise of Donald "The OG Blowhard" Trump as he is one of the most vile human beings to ever exist. And I'm including Hitler here, folks. Hitler. He's a less attractive Hitler. You can quote me on that.
TL;DR:
Simply put, DON'T BE A DICK. Be a decent human being with common sense, logic, reason, empathy, and compassion.
*************************
Tips for Success in Online Dating:
1. If you’re under 50, “righteous” should not be a part of your vocabulary unless you’re a pastor preaching about the great works of God or a surfer appreciating some killer waves. Otherwise, it’s a total dad thing to say. And not even a COOL dad thing to say
2. Stop posing with the fish you’ve caught (or, at least, stop using such pictures for dating profiles). We get it. You fish. No one’s impressed. No one cares. There isn’t anything sexy about dead, uncooked fish, unless it’s sushi.
3. Third verse almost same as the second. Stop posing with the carcasses of animals you’ve killed. Nobody wants to see that. And, you know what? Don't just stop posting those pictures. Stop hunting altogether (unless, of course, you're Native and it's a part of your cultural traditions and/or you're of low/no-income and need the meat to supplement your diet). It’s unimpressive (even less so than fishing) and, again, totally not sexy. It’s actually macabre and kind of sad. No one wants to blow the dude that killed Bambi’s mother, you heartless bastard.
4. Group pictures? Pretty useless. It just leaves us wondering who the gently caress you are, guessing it’s the hottest guy in the group, and then being disappointed when you tell us otherwise.
5. Pictures with other women? Really? That just brings up a multitude of questions and concerns. Are there no pictures of just you in existence? And why is that? Is this an Insidious type of situation? Is the girl you’re hanging off of your ex? Do you still have a thing for her? What are you trying to prove? That your milkshake brings all the honeys to the yard? Truth time, boys… the only time women will be impressed with your ability to attract lots of pussy is if you’re covered in cats. Lots and lots of cats. Seriously. Securing the affection and attention of cats is quite the impressive feat. They don’t give it up to just anyone and they reserve the right to revoke it at any time for any reason whatsoever or for no reason at all other than to simply gently caress with us.
6. Please, for the love of all that is unholy, don’t excessively talk about the zombie apocalypse. Don’t ask me where I would choose to go in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Don’t ask me what skills I have that would be beneficial to your rad zombie fighting cadre. All of that is so beyond played out (not to mention, not REAL). The only zombies I want to waste my time with are the ones in 28 Days Later because Cillian Murphy and breathtaking cinematography (mostly Cillian Murphy, though).
6. Please don’t use your opening message as an opportunity to proposition a woman for sex, to break out the detailed descriptions of how you want to bang her, or to regale her with the wonder that is your dick. It’s gross. It’s presumptuous. It shows poor impulse control and a propensity to do things prematurely. And most importantly, it's disrespectful. A woman is more than her body parts and sexual proclivities. Treat her with the respect she deserves or die horny with only your shriveled, useless, dominant hand to keep you company.
7. If a girl is into books, so much so that she chooses thebookslut as her personal moniker, don’t ask her what her favorite book is or who her favorite author is or which one book she would choose if she could only read one book for the rest of her life. Come on, are you even trying? It’s way too easy. It’s expected. It’s tiresome. EVERY. SINGLE. OTHER guy has already asked. The only book-related question I will allow is, “How much money did you need for books this week?,” followed promptly by, “Here it is.” Credit cards are a perfectly acceptable substitution.
8. Excessive and reckless use of emoticons is not cute and will not be tolerated under any circumstance. Are you trying for an “I’m a preteen in 1998 who just got their very first cell phone” vibe? If not, then choose your emoticons carefully and use them sparingly. Less is more, especially when it comes to computer generated representations of human emotions.
9. I know this gets said a lot, but it bears repeating since many people still haven’t caught on yet… please don’t use “u” instead of you or “gr8t” instead of great and so on and so forth. Are you really that lazy and/or pressed for time that you can’t spare a few extra keystrokes? Really? Are you a spy? A ninja? Do you have to jump in the nearest phone booth, rip off your workaday clothes, and dash out to save Lois from impending doom? No, you aren’t and no, you don’t. So, take a couple seconds out of your day to type out the WHOLE goddamn word.
10. Spellcheck. Learn it. Love it. Use it. Now, always, and forever. Become best friends with it. Braid each other’s hair while dishing about cute boys with it. You don’t even have to be good at spelling to utilize it. It does all the hard work for you. It’s there at your fingertips ready and willing to be taken advantage of and used to your heart’s content. Unlike me, who requires dinner, drinks, pleasant, engaging conversation, and a predetermined amount of cash for that kind of scene.
11. Don’t talk about your past relationships. Not in your profile. Not in the initial stages of conversation. Just don’t. There’s a time and a place for discussing exes. This isn’t it. “But what if-” No. “But what-” NO. “But-” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
12. Do you have a dick? Yes? Keep it in your pants. And whatever you do, DO NOT talk about it. No matter how much you desperately want and feel you need to. We’ve ALL seen a dick. We’ve ALL seen what a dick does. There is nothing so impressive about your dick that it needs to be discussed within seconds or minutes of meeting you. If I haven’t explicitly requested an ode to your penis, then bite your tongue. It’s like when your mom told you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. This applies to your dick, as well. If you can’t think of anything to say without slipping some kind of reference to your dick into a conversation, then don’t say anything at all. Your dick is not nearly as fascinating to ANYONE else as it is to you.
13. Don't talk about your goddamn beard like it's an accomplishment. No one give a gently caress about your facial hair. My leg hair is more majestic and you don't see me congratulating myself over it, now do you? Nah, you don't. Because taking pride in something that requires no talent or effort on your part, while totally expected of your average white dude, is positively insufferable. It's like Christopher Columbus taking credit for "discovering" a country that had existed for eons before he mistakenly step foot on it. Christopher Columbus was a massive prick, who epically failed at navigation (he had ONE job). Don't be like Christopher Columbus.
14. Don't quote yourself. It's sad and pathetic and hilarious in a sad and pathetic way. Trust me, you haven't said anything so earth-shattering or groundbreaking that it's worthy of noting, much less noting it yourself. Other people quote YOU. You don't quote yourself. It's just not done, unless you're cool with looking like a self-important, uncouth jagoff.
15. Don't say you're looking for your "partner in crime." Every dude out there is pulling that schtick. Maybe it was cute the first few times. Maybe. But now? No. Not anymore. Not at all. Not ever. If you say it in my presence, I'll kick you in the shins, steal your wallet, and ask you, "How do you like my criminal tendencies NOOOOOOOOW?!!"
16. Don't be a juggalo.
17. Don't pose for pictures with big cats (lions, tigers, etc.) in captivity. If you have already done so, don't post those pictures online on dating sites/apps or otherwise. Instead, make a donation in, at least, the amount of money you paid for your extremely sad, exceedingly arrogant "photo op" to a reputable animal conservation group. Big cats and humans were never meant to closely interact. Big cats were never meant to be paraded around, posed, or made to perform for the entertainment of humans. Any organization that allows any of the above to happen is a shady piece of poo poo doing it for the dollars without any consideration for the animal's well being and shouldn't be allowed within ten feet of ANY animal, let alone endangered species. Why are you supporting these assholes and condoning their rear end in a top hat behavior? There is NO legitimate reason on this earth for a big cat to be posing for pictures with humans. Do you really need your ego stroked that bad? Really? Oh, you can sit next to a sedated, chained animal locked in a cage? Oh. Wow. Impressive. *golf clap*
18. Stop saying:
* "I'm [insert your height here] with/without heels."
* (If you're over 40) "I look young/am active for my age."
Grandpa, no. Stop. You might as well just yell, "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME IM HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS PAY ATTENTION TO ME VALIDATE MEEEEE TELL ME IM YOUNG & PRETTY" as you flail your arms and try to cartwheel to show just how young at heart you really, truly, honestly are and then you end up breaking your hip instead and everybody's day is ruined and it's all your geriatric fault.
* ANYTHING about the Oxford comma, no matter how ecstatic you supposedly are about it.
* Any and all iterations of, "I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal. People know me. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany." If you must quote Anchorman, "I love lamp," is most certainly the way to go, but don't do that either.
* You love whiskey (especially if you spell it "whisky" because that's just wrong, no matter what the dictionary says; dude was undoubtedly drunk off his rear end on whiskEy when he added that poo poo to the dictionary) and/or bourbon and/or tequila and/or [insert any and all hard liquors here]. Alcoholism is ONLY cute in instances where you're obscenely wealthy and you have me named in your last will and testament.
* "Be my tour guide."
That's tacky. Not only are you leaving soon, but you want me to work for you? gently caress off. Unless you're paying me. In which case, "Welcome to beautiful and historic Portland, Oregon."
* "Just ask me."
Nah, rear end in a top hat, how about you fill out your goddamn profile. Especially if it's Tinder 'cause I'm not about to waste a right swipe on an rear end in a top hat that can't take 5 goddamn minutes to fill out a goddamn online profile.
* "Willing to lie about how we met."
Errry motherfucker is saying this. Learn something new. It's not like we met at some back alley, black market, S&M, house party. And if we HAD, that'd be quite the story to tell, now wouldn't it?
* "Bonus points if [insert some factoid you think is obscure or some poo poo]."
This isn't a game and you are no prize I need to win. But if it were a game, it'd be Candy Land and I would END you.
19. Don't post pictures of you flipping off the camera. You don't look hard or tough or bad or whatever the gently caress you're going for. You look like a petulant preteen who's just figured out what flashing the middle finger means. So, when I see you doing this all I can think of is, "BUT MAWWWM I DONT WANNA GO TO BED IM NOT EVEN TIRED YET!!!11!" or "BUT MAWWWWWM I DONT WANNA EAT MY GREEN BEANS THEYRE SEW GROSS!111!!!"
20. If you say "could of" or "would of" or "should of" instead of "could have" or "would have" or "should have," I will take you to Reno and shoot you just to watch you die.
21. Don't brag about your sexual prowess. It's in poor taste. It's gross. And we all know that it's probably not true. Don't write a check your dick can't cash.
What I’m doing with my life
I want to become a social worker or a lawyer for a non-profit so I can finally put this bleeding heart to good use. Oh, and to do some change-the-world-Erin-Brockovich type poo poo, too. Or, at least, feel like I am. And to be able to brag to people that I am. Honestly, it's mostly for the bragging rights.
And then, on the side, I'd like to be an obscenely successful author, who makes obscene amounts of money through the obscene popularity of their books and the movies and merchandise that will inevitably be based on those books. Preferably with the least amount of effort and talent involved, à la Stephanie Meyer or that vapid chick that wrote 50 Shades of Vomit-Inducing Characters, Settings, and Situations. But if I had to actually be talented at writing, I'd like a career and a creativity like Stephen King.
That's Plan A. Plan B is to find an extremely wealthy, extremely generous, older man with an extremely low sex drive (unless he's hot, then all bets are off) and just... you know... see what happens. If I just so happen to somehow find myself receiving a sizable monthly allowance, a penthouse, a luxury vehicle or two, a limitless supply of designer shoes & clothing & jewelry & handbags & cosmetics, daily visits to all the fancy, hip, and trendy restaurants in town, twice weekly spa days (at the very least), frequent outings to the opera & the symphony & the ballet & the theatre & museums, and regularly scheduled extravagant vacations to exotic locations... well, I'll have to somehow find a way to deal, now won't I? It'll be difficult, but I'll just have to give it my best shot.
ACTUALLY, my life's ambition (and what I believe to be the meaning of life) is to have a killer Instagram.
I’m really good at
eating Chinese food. Writing super long profiles. Saying "gently caress" a lot. Spending money.
The first things people usually notice about me
The red hair.
The green eyes.
The freckles.
The sparkling personality.
The absolute, loving delight that is me.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books:
ALL THE WORDS! But also The Center Cannot Hold by Elyn R. Saks. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? by Beverly Daniel Tatum. Myth of the Welfare Queen by David Zucchino. anything by bell hooks. The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. Dorothy Parker. Sylvia Plath. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold (also Lucky). Wally Lamb. Dr. Seuss. Shel Silverstein. Maurice Sendak. Rumi. Barbara Ehrenreich. Ruth Sidel. Rickie Solinger. The Berenstain Bears. 1984. Howard Zinn. Jonathan Kozol. Fire of the Five Hearts by Holly A. Smith. The Last Time I Wore A Dress by Daphne Scholinski. Marge Piercy. Peggy Orenstein. Atlas of the Human Heart by Ariel Gore. The Only Girl in the Car by Kathy Dobie. e.e. cummings. The Babysitter's Club. Sweet Valley High. Nancy Drew. Judy Blume. The Bible, but only to burn on cold nights for warmth and s'mores construction. The Velveteen Rabbit. Stephen King.
Music:
(current fav song: The Revolution Will Not Be Televised by Gil Scott-Heron) Also, the Wu-Tang Clan isn't anything to gently caress with. Nina Simone. Edith Piaf. Aimee Mann. Elliott Smith (probs the fave of my faves). De La Soul. ODB. Kate Nash. Rachael Yamagata. Hurts to Purr. Johnny Cash. Nancy Sinatra. Bob Marley. The Fugees. Lauryn Hill. Kanye. Common. Death Cab for Cutie. Paolo Nutini. Amy Winehouse (especially the acoustic cover of Valerie). The Cranberries. Claude Debussy. Johann Pachelbel. The Mamas & The Papas. The Doors. Billie Holiday. Otis Redding. Marvin Gaye. Lena Horne. Ella Fitzgerald. Louis Armstrong. Strawberry Fields. I Am The Walrus. Florence and the Machine. Rage Against the Machine. Nirvana. The Foo Fighters. Everclear. Sam Smith. John Legend. Whitney Houston (ever since my blue "Whitney" cassette tape). (Mother Superior) Nicki Minaj. Modest Mouse. Incubus. Third Eye Blind. Al Green. Ben Folds/Five. Lou Reed. David Bowie. Bruno Mars. Air Supply (SHUT UP THEYRE AMAZZZZZING). Beyoncé. Jay-Z. The Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Food:
Meat. Potatoes. Butter. Vodka. More meat. Bacon. Whole cheese wheels. Bacon wrapped meat. Bacon wrapped cheese. Bacon wrapped bacon.
Television:
American Horror Story. Bill Nye, The Science Guy. Bones. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Catfish (even though the ending is almost always never as good as the buildup). Cooking shows (especially those featuring Giada De Laurentiis and Nigella Lawson). Dead Like Me. Doomsday Preppers. FARGO FARGO FARGO (the FX TV series; one of the best shows of ALL time, no joke). Felicity. Friends (problematic though it may be). Fringe. Gilmore Girls. Grimm. House. House Hunters International. iZombie. The Jinx: The Life & Deaths of Robert Durst. Monk. Mr. Wizard's World. New Girl. The Office. Parks and Recreation. Party of Five. Penny Dreadful. Portlandia. Psych. Raising Hope. Roseanne (seasons 1 through 5ish). Sesame Street. Shameless. Six Feet Under. My So-Called Life. Tru Calling. Anything to do with true crime (20/20, 48 Hours, Cold Justice, Dateline, The Hunt with John Walsh, Most Evil, On the Case with Paula Zahn, Snapped). Veronica Mars. Wishbone. Wonderfalls.
Movies:
I like scary movies, flicks from the 80s (Molly Ringwald is ❤), documentaries, true crime, and Big Hero 6. Batteries Not Included. The Brave Little Toaster. The Land Before Time. Mr. Mom. Flight of the Navigator. Cloak & Dagger. The Burbs. Willow. 28 Days Later. Zombieland. Shaun of the Dead. The Road. I Am Legend. Love Liza. Uncle Buck. Labyrinth. Princess Bride. Clue. Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Home Alone. Clockwatchers. Sugar & Spice. Reality Bites. Empire Records. What About Bob? Groundhog Day. I Heart Huckabees. Waitress. Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Short Circuit. Napoleon Dynamite. The Paradise Lost Trilogy. Dear Zachary: A Letter To A Son About His Father (this is an absolute soul crusher, btw; you've been warned). Aileen: Life & Death of a Serial Killer & Aileen Wuornos: The Selling of a Serial Killer. Boys Don't Cry. The Times of Harvey Milk. The Goonies. Obvious Child. Roger & Me. Bowling for Columbine. Sicko. Fahrenheit 9/11. Capitalism: A Love Story. Office Space. Lars and the Real Girl & Crazy Stupid Love & anything & everything else that Ryan Gosling is in forever & always in constant perpetuity for as long as I shall live for richer, for poorer in the name of the father, the son, & the holy spirit, amen. My Father, The Hero. Wristcutters: A Love Story. The Rules of Attraction. Go. The Cabin in the Woods. The Lazarus Effect. The Mist. The Orphanage. Beetlejuice. Mermaids. Untamed Heart. Gone Girl. Hard Candy. The Boy Who Could Fly. The Shining. Domino. Meet Joe Black. As Good As It Gets. Citizen Ruth. Cake. After Tiller. Jurassic Park. The Neverending Story.
Also: Cinema Sins on YouTube.
People:
My moms. Koko the Gorilla. Glenda the Good Witch. Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Vivien Thomas. Jonas Salk. Dorothy Parker. Henrietta Lacks. Jane Goodall. Dian Fossey. Maya Angelou. AL 288-1 aka Dinkinesh aka Lucy. Angela Davis. Jane Elliott. Eeyore. Jim Henson. Ludo. Fred Rogers. Bees: each and every single one of 'em. Neil deGrasse Tyson. Baymax. Alan Alda. Ed Begley, Jr. Bernie Sanders. Colonel Sanders. bell hooks. Steve Irwin. Jeremy Wade. Audrey Hepburn. Princess Diana. The Hamburglar. Marie Curie. Cleopatra. Sojourner Truth.
Internet Famous Animals:
Marnie the Dog. Maru. Grumpy Cat. Pudge the Cat. @ProBirdRights on Twitter. Joy the Sheep. Tuna (Melts my Heart). Lil Bub. Venus, The Cat with Two Faces. Doug the Pug. Loca, The Pug that Couldn't Run.
The six things I could never do without
1. Blowjobs & Butt Stuff
2. Black panties
3. Concealed switchblades
4. Dinosaurs (real ones AND the Jurassic Park kind, too, 'cause I'm paleontologically open-minded like that)
5. Something to look forward to
6. Small victories
Honorable Mentions: Pockets. Handles. Ziploc. Rubbermaid. Superglue. Goo Gone. Carbonation. Target. Bath & Body Works. Costco. Trader Joe's. Cryptozoology. Nice smelling stuff, like honeysuckle, lilac, and anything pumpkin. Lip balm. Buffets. Sarcasm. Irony. Bubble baths. Glitter. Shimmer. Sparkles. Having my hair brushed. Cilantro. Safety seals. Cup holders. Tea parties. Pool noodles. Teddy bears. Skirts made for twirling. Pasta. Animals in costumes/clothing. Animals wrapped in towels/blankets like burritos. Animals in tiny hats. Clever puns. Not so clever puns. Soft, fluffy blankets. Sour cream. Justice. Equality. Sloths. Cheese. PJs/Jammies/Pajamas. Pizza with pineapple. All the spoopy things.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Money:
I'd like to become independently and infinitely wealthy 'cause whoever said, "money is the root of all evil," and, "money can't buy happiness," was LYYYYYYYYYYING.
and
Death:
I'd like to think the universe employs a conscientious recycling program with our lives/spirits/souls/that non-corporeal-cosmic-made-of-stars-poo poo we all have mixed in between our bones and blood and organs and zapping around in our brains. Like, it's a scientific principle that we don't just cease to exist at the end, man, because, like, energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but, like, only transformed from one form to another. Think about it, man.
I, also, sincerely, whole-heartedly, without-a-doubt believe that all dogs go to heaven. Cats, too. And ducks and llamas and goats and armadillos and platypuses and naked mole rats. And all other types of animals and creatures (not spiders, though, because gently caress YOU, spiders; unless, of course, your name is Charlotte). Animals are legit higher beings than us, so they, obviously and rightfully so, deserve the red carpet treatment from The Grim Reaper.
EDIT: SRYSRY to all the spiders out there just trying to hold it down and make a living for them and theirs in this harsh, unforgiving world of ours. I know that you provide an important and fundamental service in the natural order of things and I thank you profusely for it. I just can't get down with your creepy, crawly ways and how you invite yourselves inside my house without so much as a knock on the door, a "hey, what's up?," or a batch of Rice Krispie treats.
Taxes:
JK. Not really.
On a typical Friday night I am
painting the town a nice shade of whore with accents of slut AKA at home alone, having a pizza party for one, and watching trashy, soul-sucking television of no redeeming value.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm a feminist. A scary, scary, hardcore, flag-burning ('cause good bras are too expensive to waste & I have the constitutional right to do so), soul-consuming feminist. I will devour the ignorant, the self-serving, and the oppressors alive. Sometimes with BBQ sauce, sometimes sweet & sour; always with unadulterated glee. And lick my fingers afterward with delight. I AM the night. Fear me.
"Out of the ash
I rise w/ my red hair
& I eat men like air"
-Sylvia Plath
Also, I used to eat bowls of corn mixed with ranch dressing in the not too distant past. And it was deee-licious.
I have a perpetually expanding plethora of cat gifs, pictures, and memes saved on my phone. A cat for every possible situation in life. Now that's what I call prepared.
I can mouth along with about 97% of the dialogue in Erin Brockovich. I list this on all resumes.
I'm far too impatient for hard candy. I like to bite.
I'm a total fangirl for office supplies. No joke. Office Depot makes me squee with delight.
I despise it when people call me Jessica. Absolutely, positively, unequivocally DEEE-SPISE it. Nothing against the name Jessica or anything. I'm sure it's a nice, wouldn't-hurt-a-fly, helps-old-ladies-with-their-groceries type of name and all, but...
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
I always give away my black jelly beans to those peculiar enough to actually like the taste of them.
I want to do my good deed for humanity by populating the world with cute, chubby, red-headed babies, buuuuuut the 9 months (actually 10 'cause 40 weeks = 10 months) of pregnancy and the hours/days of labor & delivery and the 18+ years (actually forever 'cause they'll always be your baby no matter how old they get) of selflessly caring 24/7/365 for every single physical, emotional, & mental need that a person could ever possibly have, often at the detriment/expense of your own needs (and you canNOT gently caress this poo poo up because this isn't a Chia pet we're talking about here), and having the ultimate responsibility of KEEPING. ANOTHER. HUMAN. BEING. ALIVE makes me think I'll just stick to recycling, giving money & sandwiches to the homeless, and buying Girl Scout cookies.
I used to listen to, sing along to, and LIKE Amy Grant. 😳
I once wrote a zine a long time ago. It was pretty drat emo and therefore pretty drat embarrassing. I can't remember the exact title of it, but it had some form of "dancesong soul" in it. So, yeah, EMO AF.
I'd move out of Oregon, but then I'd have to pay sales tax and pump my own gas and I just don't think I'm emotionally ready for that.
I aspire to be vegan, but I don't think I'm a big enough arrogant, self-righteous, insufferable rear end in a top hat yet. Working on it, tho.
My mother is the ONLY conservative Christian Republican I will EVER put up with.
In short, I am an:
ADORABLE FLUFFY MANEATING MISANDRIST WITH A DARK EVIL HEART OF PURE GOLD WHO RESPONDS WELL TO COMMUNIST MANIFESTOS, FROSTED ANIMAL CRACKERS, & THE COLOR PINK BUT ALSO HAS AN UNQUENCHABLE INSATIABLE PRIMEVAL BLOODTHIRST FOR IGNORANT ASSHOLES AT WHOM SHE THROWS HANDFULS OF EQUAL PARTS GLITTER & EQUAL PARTS NINJA STARS WITH DEADLY TESTICLE SEVERING PRECISION AND APLOMB.
I'm a kinky, submissive ho. Choke me. Spank me. Pull my hair.
So, if you're down, HMU.
You should message me if
* You're a man with hands. Seriously. I don't know what it is, but I just find a man's hands simply divine. A very specific variety of man's hands, though. That which I can't describe, but I know them when I see them. So, for future (and always) reference, this strange girl right here would oh so much rather you send her a hand pic over a dick pic any-loving-day of the week. Oh dear. Is this awkward now? Have I gone on too long about hands? Oh well. YOLO.
* You look and sound like D'Angelo in the "Untitled: How Does It Feel" video.
* You gently caress like James Deen. Or you ARE James Deen (Hi, James!).
* You are wise enough to realize that a girl could talk about nothing but dick sucking in her profile and/or be rear end naked in all her profile pictures and she STILL deserves to be treated with respect and she STILL isn't asking for or inviting the sexual harassment of creepy, strange men online.
* You do NOT own a fedora. Likewise, you DON'T believe in the "friend-zone." Also, you're NOT a self-proclaimed "Nice Guy™" and/or "men's rights activist" and/or anti-feminist.
* You know and believe that the world needs feminism. In the same vein, you MUST be pro-choice to attend the party in my pants.
* NO CONSERVATIVES. AT ALL. EVER. NO EXCEPTIONS (unless you have a ginormous dick AND I can duct tape your mouth shut when we gently caress so I don't have to listen to your backward, bullshit views).
*** Addendum: Are you finding it much too difficult to be D'Angelo and/or James Deen? Well, have no fear! There's a third, very viable option now available. You can ALSO be Idris Elba. Preferably, Idris Elba holding a fluffy puppy, but if you can't acquire said fluffy puppy, then just being Idris Elba will suffice. Don't say I never compromised on anything.
*** Also, Denzel Washington. His voice is like butter and his visage is heaven.
*** And Jesse Williams, who is equal parts hot as gently caress and equal parts socially aware as gently caress and I am totally here for that.
*** Fyodor Dostoevsky... just because his name is so drat sexy to say. Try it. You'll see what I'm talking about.
*** Guillermo del Toro because, again, his name pleasures my linguistic sensibilities. And I guess he makes movies or something? Also, Benicio del Toro 'cause his name is sexy and so is he.
*** Bruno Mars. The way he move make me weak in the knees.
*** Claude Debussy because Clair de Lune is so beautiful it makes my heart ache.
*** Jay-Z because gently caress you, it's Jay-Z.
*** Shia LeBeouf and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Preferably as a tag-team on a very regular basis, but one-on-one would be mighty fine, too.
*** Satan 'cause I hear he's got all the sweet hook-ups and what girl is NOT a sucker for horns and hooves, AMIRITE LADIEZ??!?1
*** Super smart, multi-talented dudes like The OG Renaissance Man himself, Leonardo da Vinci because the brain IS the sexiest part of the human body
*** Ryan Gosling because of reasons. Yes please and thank you very much. May I have another?
*** Viggo Mortensen because I have been lusting after you since A Perfect Murder.
*** Evan Peters because I want him as my BFF and my BF and my next door neighbor that I borrow cups of sugar and Wifi from and have the occasional hallway break-dancing competition with.
*** Mark Ruffalo because he give a gently caress about a lot of important poo poo and he look good doing it.
*** Hugh Laurie & Steve Carell & Sam Worthington & Kevin Spacey
*** Edgar Ramirez. Have you seen him in Domino? drat. I'd allow him to gently caress me nonverbal every drat day of the week.
*** Christopher Walken. Billy Bob Thornton. Jeff Goldblum. Sometimes I like old dick. Sometimes I like eccentric dick. Sometimes I like old, eccentric dick.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
|
#
?
Nov 7, 2015 00:38
