When Footballers Go Feral: big Tom givin a horse a handbeezy

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Spangly A: May 14, 2009; God help you if ever you're caught on these shores

A man's ambition must indeed be small
To write his name upon a shithouse wall

serious gaylord posted:

Its clearly a tape of Valbuena and a dude, only reason it'd be worth blackmailing a footballer.

Underage prostitute, Benzema knows, uses as blackmail

I'd loving cry laughing if it's something closer to that.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 01:30

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# ? May 21, 2024 22:13

Sneaks McDevious: Jul 29, 2010; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

French news seem to think he was acting as an intermediary for the blackmailers who would have been acquaintances from childhood.
Also most footballers are so poo poo with money that 100k cash would actually be fairly handy to have.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 10:14

PirateBob: Jun 14, 2003

Mayhaps... it wasn't even about money. Maybe it was about power, Benzema forcing Valbuena to bend to his will for whatever reason. Revenge over something, or just being a control freak, I don't know.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 13:12

The Big Taff Man: Nov 22, 2005; Official Manchester United Posting Partner 2015/16; Fan of Britches

I get what you're saying PirateBob, Im reading between the lines, you're saying Benzema wants to gently caress him.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 13:57

PirateBob: Jun 14, 2003

The Big Taff Man posted:

I get what you're saying PirateBob, Im reading between the lines, you're saying Benzema wants to gently caress him.

Possibly. Blame the homophobia and "don't ask, don't tell" culture in football for forcing Benzema to channel his raging lust into loving a man through blackmail.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 15:09

The Big Taff Man: Nov 22, 2005; Official Manchester United Posting Partner 2015/16; Fan of Britches

I personally cant wait for the Traffordcast where you go into detail on some of the positions you think Benzema wants to have Valbuena in, ugh what a sick gently caress he is.

# ? Nov 6, 2015 15:22

PirateBob: Jun 14, 2003

What is this poo poo about a podcast or traffordcast or whatever?

# ? Nov 6, 2015 15:24

Loving Africa Chaps: Dec 3, 2007; We had not left it yet, but when I would wake in the night, I would lie, listening, homesick for it already.

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2015/nov/10/arsene-wenger-football-doping-arsenal

Wenger again says that football also has a doping problem. Arsenal are the only clean team. Moral champions 1996-current

# ? Nov 11, 2015 00:00

blue footed boobie: Sep 14, 2012; UEFA SUPREMACY

http://www.marca.com/en/2015/11/10/en/football/real_madrid/1447155584.html

Apparently Benzema's conversations with Calvin's Valbuena were recorded. This one is from Marca and is supposedly biased in its translation. Apparently there's a full transcript out there.

# ? Nov 11, 2015 01:46

TheBigAristotle: Feb 8, 2007; I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money.
I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.; Grimey Drawer

Is Benzema hard up for cash or something?

# ? Nov 11, 2015 03:05

chuggo is BACK: Jul 1, 2008; "Chuggo"

PWM POTM December 2014

TheBigAristotle posted:

Is Benzema hard up for cash or something?

No it's the other way around, he's the one doing the blackmailing

# ? Nov 11, 2015 10:39

trem_two: Oct 22, 2002; it is better if you keep saying I'm fat, as I will continue to score goals; Fun Shoe

blue footed boobie posted:

http://www.marca.com/en/2015/11/10/en/football/real_madrid/1447155584.html

Apparently Benzema's conversations with Calvin's Valbuena were recorded. This one is from Marca and is supposedly biased in its translation. Apparently there's a full transcript out there.

AS gave a translation of it today

http://as.com/diarioas/2015/11/11/english/1447270257_536025.html

# ? Nov 12, 2015 01:08

blue footed boobie: Sep 14, 2012; UEFA SUPREMACY

Ahahaha what a loving moron. I hope he goes to jail

# ? Nov 12, 2015 01:55

Elliptical Dick: Oct 11, 2008; I made the bald man cry
into the turtle stew

lol all that and for what? Less than a day of his normal salary?

# ? Nov 12, 2015 06:48

Sneaks McDevious: Jul 29, 2010; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

Marca Jesus Christ what a bizarre place that must be to work

# ? Nov 12, 2015 08:02

dex_sda: Oct 11, 2012

ahahah

# ? Nov 12, 2015 10:29

Syncopated: Oct 21, 2010

Just tell us why, Karim. Also surely they will release the tape as punishment now?

Ed: It seems they already successfully blackmailed Cisse.

Syncopated fucked around with this message at 10:52 on Nov 12, 2015

# ? Nov 12, 2015 10:44

Munin: Nov 14, 2004

The original is in French right? I've been trying to dig that up but I can't seem to find it anywhere. Anyone have a link which is not behind a paywall?

# ? Nov 12, 2015 11:15

Von Linus: Apr 6, 2006; I complete me.

Munin posted:

The original is in French right? I've been trying to dig that up but I can't seem to find it anywhere. Anyone have a link which is not behind a paywall?

It's in the reddit soccer forum

# ? Nov 12, 2015 13:07

Luke Smith: Aug 6, 2015; by Cowcaster

To me it seems like benzema is a retard who is perhaps trying to help a bro (Valbuena) out without understanding that he's committing a big ol crime

# ? Nov 12, 2015 13:57

Bogan Krkic: Oct 31, 2010; Swedish style? No.
Yugoslavian style? Of course not.
It has to be Zlatan-style.

Luke Smith posted:

To me it seems like benzema is a retard who is perhaps trying to help a bro (Valbuena) out without understanding that he's committing a big ol crime

I think its that he's a retard trying to help two bros (Valbuena and Zenati) out without realising that he's doing a crime and also loving over both bros in the process

# ? Nov 12, 2015 14:04

blue footed boobie: Sep 14, 2012; UEFA SUPREMACY

Bogan Krkic posted:

I think its that he's a retard trying to help two bros (Valbuena and Zenati) out without realising that he's doing a crime and also loving over both bros in the process

Yeah, at first I thought it was a misunderstanding where Benzema thought he was doing Valbuena a favor, but the transcript just sounds like he wanted to do hoodrat things with his friends.

blue footed boobie fucked around with this message at 15:33 on Nov 12, 2015

# ? Nov 12, 2015 15:00

oliwan: Jul 20, 2005; by Nyc_Tattoo

imagine being so thick and so rich

# ? Nov 12, 2015 15:19

Pand: Apr 1, 2011; Jogi Maldito

to me it reads like he knows exactly what he's doing.

# ? Nov 12, 2015 15:33

Luke Smith: Aug 6, 2015; by Cowcaster

Bogan Krkic posted:

I think its that he's a retard trying to help two bros (Valbuena and Zenati) out without realising that he's doing a crime and also loving over both bros in the process

Yeah

Pand posted:

to me it reads like he knows exactly what he's doing.

Remember Benzema has had poo poo like this happen to him before. There's honestly room for him to think he's doing a bro a solid by helping coordinate a blackmail payoff to keep it quiet. He's also a loving oaf so of course he's going to have a laugh about the whole thing too.

Luke Smith fucked around with this message at 15:49 on Nov 12, 2015

# ? Nov 12, 2015 15:45

Von Linus: Apr 6, 2006; I complete me.

Pand posted:

to me it reads like he knows exactly what he's doing.

Same. He's laughing about it at the end

# ? Nov 12, 2015 16:22

Syncopated: Oct 21, 2010

blue footed boobie posted:

Yeah, at first I thought it was a misunderstanding where Benzema thought he was doing Valbuena a favor, but the transcript just sounds like he wanted to do hoodrat things with his friends.

Yeah this.

Imagine being a striker for loving real madrid and being sent to jail for poo poo like this. Just lol.

# ? Nov 12, 2015 16:45

dex_sda: Oct 11, 2012

Pand posted:

to me it reads like he knows exactly what he's doing.

same

# ? Nov 12, 2015 16:47

Charlotte Hornets: Dec 30, 2011; by Fritz the Horse

Benzema is just misunderstood.

# ? Nov 12, 2015 16:50

Hegay: Jun 29, 2012

Benzema is going to jail, and hell, I'm not glad.

# ? Nov 12, 2015 16:56

Masonity: Dec 31, 2007; What, I wonder, does this hidden face of madness reveal of the makers? These K'Chain Che'Malle?

He should have gone to Arsenal instead.

# ? Nov 12, 2015 16:58

trem_two: Oct 22, 2002; it is better if you keep saying I'm fat, as I will continue to score goals; Fun Shoe

Hegay posted:

Benzema is going to jail, and hell, I'm not glad.

This will mean Morata will definitely go back to Madrid next summer, now I'm not glad.

# ? Nov 12, 2015 16:59

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi: Mar 26, 2005

Masonity posted:

He should have gone to Arsenal instead.

Imagine if he had and then all this poo poo came out, lol

# ? Nov 12, 2015 17:42

Munin: Nov 14, 2004

Von Linus posted:

It's in the reddit soccer forum

Managed to find it on reddit eventually. gently caress the reddit layout man.

[edit] Transcript is even better in French. A thing of beauty.

Munin fucked around with this message at 20:37 on Nov 12, 2015

# ? Nov 12, 2015 17:51

Soulex: Apr 1, 2009; Cacati in mano e pigliati a schiaffi!

I'll never understand footballers.

# ? Nov 12, 2015 19:33

Pand: Apr 1, 2011; Jogi Maldito

Soulex posted:

I'll never understand footballers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUH40Mgr0N0

# ? Nov 12, 2015 20:15

Von Linus: Apr 6, 2006; I complete me.

Munin posted:

Managed to find it on reddit eventually. gently caress the reddit layout man.

[edit] Transcript is even better in French. A thing of beauty.

Sorry would have posted a direct link but I was using a phone and I'm Mr Thumbs.

# ? Nov 12, 2015 20:44

Munin: Nov 14, 2004

Von Linus posted:

Sorry would have posted a direct link but I was using a phone and I'm Mr Thumbs.

No worries.

For francophonic pleasure here's what was posted on reddit:

A pair of loving idiots posted:

K. BENZEMA : vas-y, je l'ai vu l'autre, hein.

K. ZENATI : et alors, qu'est ce que t'en penses ?

K. BENZEMA : heu, j'en pense, la v�rit� ?

K. ZENATI : ouais.

K. BENZEMA : j'en pense qu'il nous prend pas au s�rieux.

K. ZENATI : non.

K. BENZEMA : walah.

K. ZENATI : ouais, �a veut dire en v�rit�, je crois, il va rien l�cher, celui-l� non ?

K. BENZEMA : ouais ouais ouais ouais, il nous prend pas au s�rieux.

K. ZENATI : qu'est-ce qu'il t'a dit lui ?

K. BENZEMA : kess il m'a dit mais heu tu sais au d�but il croyait, il croyait que (inaudible) tu vois, que c'�tait une blague. (...) Moi je vais t'arranger la sauce. Faut que tu vas voir le mec (sic). Il va venir. Il va te parler. Mais je te donne ma parole que y a pas d'autre copie (de la sextape). (...) Mais apr�s on parlait, on parlait, dans la vid�o tu vois mes tatouages (demande Valbuena). Tu vois tout, gros. Je lui dis, je suis s�rieux, je lui ai dit, franchement, je l'ai vu, moi, la vid�o, je lui dis. Il m'a dit je sais. (...) Mais ils veulent quoi ? Je lui ai dit, j'en sais rien moi qu'est-ce qu'ils veulent, je lui dis, je sais pas moi, il m'a dit ouais, il veut de l'argent. Bah � mon avis t'as vu, j'ai dit moi si j'ai une vid�o comme �a d'un mec... Euh ouais de toute fa�on ils veulent faire du buzz, heu �a sera pas le m�me buzz que si c'�tait toi...

� C'est vrai que �a va pas faire le m�me buzz que moi, mais fr�re tu lui arr�tes la carri�re fr�re. Il va dehors, il se fait jeter des tomates. Je lui dis, c'est pas une question de buzz mais c'est une question de fiert�.� - Karim Benzema K. ZENATI : il a raison.

K. BENZEMA : ouais.

K. ZENATI : (rires).

K. BENZEMA : mais fr�re, fr�re c'est vrai que �a va pas faire le m�me buzz que moi, mais fr�re tu lui arr�tes la carri�re fr�re. Il va dehors, il se fait jeter des tomates. Je lui dis, c'est pas une question de buzz mais c'est une question de fiert�.

K. ZENATI : hum.

K. BENZEMA : je lui dis de famille, je lui dis �a n'a rien � voir de buzz, on s'en bat les couilles, je lui dis l�. Je lui dis maintenant si les gens ils sortent une photo, une vid�o comme �a. �a pour toi �a te fait rien que ta m�re, ton p�re ils les voient ta femme o� je sais pas qui. Tu vois, apr�s il r�fl�chissait, il r�fl�chissait. Je lui dis moi de toute fa�on tu fais comme tu veux. L� je suis en �quipe de France jusqu'� dimanche si tu me donnes ton num�ro, je lui passe, je lui passe � mon ami. Il vient te voir � Lyon, tu discutes, tu vois avec lui, tu veux pas. Bah, fais ta vie, moi je t'ai pr�venu hein.

K. ZENATI : c'est bon fr�re, t'as super bien fait.

K. BENZEMA : walah, je lui ai dit �a. Apr�s je sais pas ce qu'il va faire. Il va appeler son agent, il va dire ils ont la vid�o. Je lui ai dit, �coute gros, il n'y a pas d'interm�diaire, pas d'avocat, pas d'ami, pas d'agent, pas de police, pas de ce que tu veux.

K. ZENATI : hum.

� si tu veux que la vid�o elle soit d�truite, mon ami il vient te voir � Lyon. Tu vois directement avec lui et toi tu parles avec lui, tu envoies personne.� - Karim Benzema K. BENZEMA : je lui dis si tu veux que la vid�o elle soit d�truite, mon ami il vient te voir � Lyon. Tu vois directement avec lui et toi tu parles avec lui, tu envoies personne.

K. ZENATI : bon bah, vas-y, c'est bon.

K. BENZEMA : il m'a dit elle vient d'o� la vid�o ? Je lui dis : moi j'en sais rien d'o� elle vient. (�)

K. ZENATI : quand il va dormir, il va savoir que tu lui as dit la v�rit�.

K. BENZEMA : mais non, mais il �tait tout blanc.

K. ZENATI : ouais.

K. BENZEMA : il me dit la vid�o, tu l'as vue o� ? Il y a combien de temps ? Apr�s il me posait des questions, mais c'�tait comment. (�) Je l'ai vu avaler de travers, il commen�ait � avaler deux, trois fois de travers.

K. ZENATI : (rires).

K. BENZEMA : je le vois, tu vois le mec quand il est en panique, t'as vu ?

K. ZENATI : tu sais que c'est les meilleurs, quand ils font les beaux mais na, na, na, na et apr�s�

K. BENZEMA : ouais m�me il me dit : tu sais c'est quoi le premier qui m'a dit, c'est Ciss�. Je lui dis ouais mais Ciss� il lui est arriv� une gal�re comme �a.

K. ZENATI : hum.

� Moi je suis venu te voir parce que quand j'ai vu cette vid�o, on m'a parl�, je peux pas rigoler avec toi dans le vestiaire et pas te dire.� - Karim Benzema K. BENZEMA : (�) je lui dis, il (Ciss�) a fait quoi ? Il me dit : il a pay�. Je lui dis : et la vid�o, elle est sortie ou pas ? Il me dit non. Je lui dis : moi quand je te dis que j'ai qu'une parole, c'est que la vid�o elle sort pas. Maintenant, tu fais comme tu veux. Moi je suis venu te voir parce que quand j'ai vu cette vid�o, on m'a parl�, je peux pas rigoler avec toi dans le vestiaire et pas te dire. Il me dit oui mais ils veulent la sortir quand, s'ils la sortent, pour l'Euro ? Je lui dis, bah, je pense, c'est l� o� il faut la sortir, hein. Je lui dis moi si j'aurais une vid�o comme �a, moi je te demande pas d'argent je la sors, je la vends aux journalistes. T'as vu, je lui ai dit �a.

K. ZENATI : hum.

K. BENZEMA : il m'a dit ouais, bah, gros, merci beaucoup et tout, laisse-moi un jour ou deux et je te dis. (Rire.) Il va m'appeler, donne-moi le contact, s'il te pla�t (rires).

K. ZENATI : (rires). C'est pour lui. Moi, nous, fr�re, nous on l'aide. (...)

K. BENZEMA : moi, je t'aide ( de Benzema � Valbuena ). (�) Je lui dis regarde, je m'en bats les couilles, c'est pas moi. Oh je suis venu te voir. Ouais merci, et tout t'as la classe. Il me dit : ils veulent quoi ? Je lui ai dit : moi je ne sais pas. Mon but, mon truc s'arr�te l�, tu vois, mon train il s'arr�te l�. Maintenant mon ami ( Zenati ), il prend la rel�ve. C'est lui qui conna�t la personne, y'a qu'une seule personne qui a ta vid�o. Moi je ne la connais pas mais mon ami, il la conna�t. Maintenant tu veux r�gler tes histoires, donne ton num�ro, je le donne et tu vois avec lui.

K. ZENATI : ouais impeccable. (...)

K. BENZEMA : je lui ai dit : c'est mon ami, c'est mon amigo, mon meilleur ami, c'est comme mon fr�re. C'est comme s'il avait une vid�o de moi.

K. ZENATI : hum.

K. BENZEMA : il me dit, ouais, mais toi tu aurais fait quoi ? Je lui ai dit : moi je m'en bats les couilles du buzz, t'as vu, donc j'aurais pay� juste pour ma famille. (...) Je lui dis : toi si c'est pour le buzz, si c'est juste pour le buzz et que t'as pr�venu ta famille, qu'ils s'en foutent, bah laisse-les la sortir, je lui dis.

K. ZENATI : bah ouais, m�me moi je lui dirais �a fr�re, mais walah... (...)

K. ZENATI : (rires) ah ouais mais apr�s nous c'est nous, fr�re, nous de toute fa�on on est l� pour l'arranger. S'il veut pas, bah laisse, il se d�merde avec ses piranhas, il va se d�merder avec ses piranhas et il va...

K. BENZEMA : ils vont lui pisser dessus.

K. ZENATI : ils vont lui pisser dessus fr�re, moi je m'en p�te hein.

K. BENZEMA : les piranhas ils vont le manger fr�rot.

K. ZENATI : ouais quand tu m'as dit que c'�tait un bon pelo (mec, gars en argot lyonnais), je t'ai dit oui apr�s peut-�tre que le pelo ils vont demander, ils vont lui dire, je sais pas, deux places de foot o� je sais pas quoi mais il se d�merde.

K. BENZEMA : (rires).

K. ZENATI : voil� hein, c'est rendre service, apr�s il fait comme il veut hein.�

"je m'en bats les couilles" is a much better expression "don�t give a poo poo" not to mention the difference between "d�merder" and "deal with"...

The language has been totally watered down in the translation as if delicate sensibilities might be offended.

# ? Nov 12, 2015 21:11

Shrapnig: Jan 21, 2005

Von Linus posted:

Sorry would have posted a direct link but I was using a phone and I'm Mr Thumbs.

More like Mr Hands.

# ? Nov 12, 2015 21:13

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# ? May 21, 2024 22:13

Soulex: Apr 1, 2009; Cacati in mano e pigliati a schiaffi!

Pand posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUH40Mgr0N0

Hahaha what the gently caress is this?

# ? Nov 12, 2015 21:21

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Ray Parlour > When Footballers Go Feral: big Tom givin a horse a handbeezy

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