shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Trebek posted:

And it was the saddest granola bar ever eaten.

It tasted like tears. And yogurt. And chocolate chips.

And tears too, my Tumblr brethren, tears too.

# ? Dec 11, 2015 21:25

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# ? May 27, 2024 05:44

Aleph Null: Jun 10, 2008; You look very stressed; Tortured By Flan

Samizdata posted:

It tasted like tears. And yogurt. And chocolate chips.

And tears too, my Tumblr brethren, tears too.

gently caress those haters. Tacos are awesome.

# ? Dec 11, 2015 21:55

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

Brick Shipment posted:

I play a virtual pet game because somehow I grew up and never got sick of them. There are other adults that also grew up and never got sick of them, but lots of them are this:

# ? Dec 12, 2015 00:43

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

Ugh as soon as I read "human years" I knew this was gonna be bad.

I dunno, I can believe that people like that exist. Probably didn't give all his money to charity though, that's STDH.

But he's your roommate. Instead of stealing all his money how about you, I dunno, ask him to move out? Vet your roommates for people who are understanding of your requirements? Or move out yourself and find somewhere new to live??

# ? Dec 12, 2015 00:51

goose willis: Jun 14, 2015; Get ready for teh wacky laughz0r!

How the gently caress do you live from day to day looking like you just stepped out of an 80s New Wave music video

# ? Dec 12, 2015 01:32

Drunk Tomato: Apr 23, 2010; If God wanted us sober,
He'd knock the glass over.

Fathis Munk posted:

I play a virtual pet game because somehow I grew up and never got sick of them. There are other adults that also grew up and never got sick of them, but lots of them are this:

This person loving rules

# ? Dec 12, 2015 01:46

effervescible: Jun 29, 2012; i will eat your soul

That's totally stdh. I mean, that's clearly a store bought cookie cake, now homemade.

# ? Dec 12, 2015 02:12

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

What on earth are those asterisks meant to be?!!?

# ? Dec 12, 2015 02:32

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Ryoshi posted:

What on earth are those asterisks meant to be?!!?

The number of asterisks is wrong but I can only think it stands for "hosed" as in the roommate has been secretly raping the poster, but :wtc:

# ? Dec 12, 2015 03:20

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

sweeperbravo posted:

The number of asterisks is wrong but I can only think it stands for "hosed" as in the roommate has been secretly raping the poster, but

"raped" has the right number of letters, soooooo

e: and this is uhhh Flight Rising? Or something, they all have weird censorship rules anyhow

# ? Dec 12, 2015 03:23

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Aleph Null posted:

gently caress those haters. Tacos are awesome.

I don't think it is legal to hate tacos.

Although it should be legal to hate that.

# ? Dec 12, 2015 03:43

Proteus Jones: Feb 28, 2013

Samizdata posted:

I don't think it is legal to hate tacos.

Although it should be legal to hate that.

Really? This exact thing is only 8 posts back. At least wait a page or two.

# ? Dec 12, 2015 04:38

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

flosofl posted:

Really? This exact thing is only 8 posts back. At least wait a page or two.

First I get yelled at for responding to old posts while catching up on megathreads, now this. :sigh:

# ? Dec 12, 2015 05:16

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

Samizdata posted:

First I get yelled at for responding to old posts while catching up on megathreads, now this.

I appreciated the attempt to make it relevant. Now we just gotta work on your timing.

# ? Dec 12, 2015 06:02

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

jodai posted:

I appreciated the attempt to make it relevant. Now we just gotta work on your timing.

Can I borrow your avvie for a sec?

# ? Dec 12, 2015 06:14

CROWS EVERYWHERE: Dec 17, 2012; CAW CAW CAW; Dinosaur Gum

I'm kind of convinced that one is a troll anyhow, because Flight Rising fans especially are really weird about trans issues and attract even weirder trolls.

Here's some Imgur nonsense, le epic Terrorcockter:

# ? Dec 12, 2015 08:00

Nuebot: Feb 18, 2013; The developer of Brigador is a secret chud, don't give him money

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I'm kind of convinced that one is a troll anyhow, because Flight Rising fans especially are really weird about trans issues and attract even weirder trolls.

Apparently it only opens like once a month to let people join up, it's not that surprising such an insular community gets really weird. :shepface:

# ? Dec 12, 2015 10:18

i am the bird: Mar 2, 2005; I SUPPORT ALL THE PREDATORS

My relationships never work out and I think it's because I've never established a "no text pics on imgur" rule. Thank you, STDH thread. Now I can meet my Albert Einstein.

# ? Dec 12, 2015 10:19

Khazar-khum: Oct 22, 2008; Cat Army
2nd Battalion

Naet posted:

My relationships never work out and I think it's because I've never established a "no text pics on imgur" rule. Thank you, STDH thread. Now I can meet my Albert Einstein.

If you want to do that, you'd better work retail.

# ? Dec 12, 2015 10:31

Ratjaculation: Aug 3, 2007

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I'm kind of convinced that one is a troll anyhow, because Flight Rising fans especially are really weird about trans issues and attract even weirder trolls.

Here's some Imgur nonsense, le epic Terrorcockter:

# ? Dec 12, 2015 10:54

Fathis Munk: Feb 23, 2013; ??? ?

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I'm kind of convinced that one is a troll anyhow, because Flight Rising fans especially are really weird about trans issues and attract even weirder trolls.

Here's some Imgur nonsense, le epic Terrorcockter:

uuugh

# ? Dec 12, 2015 11:09

moerketid: Jul 3, 2012

Nuebot posted:

Apparently it only opens like once a month to let people join up, it's not that surprising such an insular community gets really weird.

Almost as bad as a webforum that charges $10 membership, I don't even know how such a concept can attract losers to sign up.

# ? Dec 12, 2015 14:25

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

moerketid posted:

Almost as bad as a webforum that charges $10 membership, I don't even know how such a concept can attract losers to sign up.

Charging $10 and only opening once a month are pretty different. It's like saying Sam's Club and a food bank are basically the same and attract the same people.
:goonsay:

# ? Dec 12, 2015 16:41

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Fathis Munk posted:

uuugh

the worst part is "Le Boyfriend"

that meme was old and tired before Obama even took office

# ? Dec 12, 2015 17:38

LITERALLY A BIRD: Sep 27, 2008; I knew you were trouble
when you flew in

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I'm kind of convinced that one is a troll anyhow, because Flight Rising fans especially are really weird about trans issues and attract even weirder trolls.

Here's some Imgur nonsense, le epic Terrorcockter:

I hate this person.

I had content to contribute but then I read this and now I'm just mad.

# ? Dec 12, 2015 17:39

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

CROWS EVERYWHERE posted:

I'm kind of convinced that one is a troll anyhow, because Flight Rising fans especially are really weird about trans issues and attract even weirder trolls.

Here's some Imgur nonsense, le epic Terrorcockter:

So, ignoring everything else bad about this, their plan for this "terrorcockter" sounds like a trip to the hospital as opposed to a sexy fun time. I mean, she's spinning on a ceiling fan however many feet in the air and you think she's going to land precisely on your dick?

# ? Dec 12, 2015 18:43

sweeperbravo: May 18, 2012; AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)

Postal Parcel posted:

So, ignoring everything else bad about this, their plan for this "terrorcockter" sounds like a trip to the hospital as opposed to a sexy fun time. I mean, she's spinning on a ceiling fan however many feet in the air and you think she's going to land precisely on your dick?

Oh they're just joking around to post it!!! 'Cuz they're so wacky and zany hehehehehe so random!!!! They're totally gonna turn their living room into a ball pit too!!!! But have sex in it because they're cool grown ups now and can do what they want!!

# ? Dec 12, 2015 19:02

Turtlicious: Sep 17, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

The boyrfreind was joking, and the lady thought the joke was so funny she HAD to share. The STDH is there is "Le Boyfriend" just sadness.

# ? Dec 12, 2015 19:05

13Pandora13: Nov 5, 2008; I've got tiiits that swingle dangle dingle

Postal Parcel posted:

So, ignoring everything else bad about this, their plan for this "terrorcockter" sounds like a trip to the hospital as opposed to a sexy fun time. I mean, she's spinning on a ceiling fan however many feet in the air and you think she's going to land precisely on your dick?

...that's the part of this you don't find believable? :psyduck:

# ? Dec 12, 2015 22:33

kimbo305: Jun 9, 2007; actually, yeah, I am a little mad

If only after the video cuts, everyone clapped:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmI-hGthrwA

# ? Dec 12, 2015 23:34

Postal Parcel: Aug 2, 2013

13Pandora13 posted:

...that's the part of this you don't find believable?

Oh no, I'm just saying that if you're going to make up a bullshit sex story, shouldn't it be one where your penis isn't crushed?

Turtlicious posted:

The boyrfreind was joking, and the lady thought the joke was so funny she HAD to share. The STDH is there is "Le Boyfriend" just sadness.

I see. I assumed that that part was real and he really wanted her to (literally) impale herself with his dick
e: Let me rephrase that, I assumed that the person who made this actually wants this to happen. I don't believe this conversation would ever take place.

Postal Parcel has a new favorite as of 00:13 on Dec 13, 2015

# ? Dec 13, 2015 00:03

Thrifting Day!: Nov 25, 2006

maporfic posted:

Customer calls 911 about discontent with equipment pricing...

A couple years back while managing an equipment sales department I had my worst customer ever. I was the 'last resort' for handling unhappy customers. My policy for all employees is to 'kill them with kindness' and try to be understanding of irate customers. After all, we're all human and have a bad day now and then.

By the time I got to the sales floor from my office the 'customer' had already chewed up and spit out all of the floor staff and one of my office staff. They all stood around the counter looking forlorn and frustrated. As I approached the 'customer' had just dialed 911 and was explaining to the 911 operator about how he thought a piece of equipment was one price, but the store staff was trying to charge him a different price (the unit was priced $10 more than he thought it should be).

I looked at the guy, looked at my staff, and back at the guy taking in the whole ridiculous scene. The guy was a cranky old man that was obviously used to abusing customer service employees wherever he went. For the first time in my customer service career I didn't even ask the customer his side of the story. I just told him that he needed to leave NOW. He tried arguing with me, but I wouldn't have it. Enough is enough. I put him between me and the door and got within an inch of him and barked him out of the store never to return. When I came back in my staff applauded.

My superiors heard about the event and never said a word to me about it.

From the "good/bad customers in retail" thread

# ? Dec 13, 2015 02:01

Mercedes Colomar: Nov 1, 2008; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Got a link handy to this thread?

# ? Dec 13, 2015 03:52

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

Manuel Calavera posted:

Got a link handy to this thread?

Click the username in the quote.

# ? Dec 13, 2015 04:00

Rockman Reserve: Oct 2, 2007; "Carbons? Purge? What are you talking about?!"

Postal Parcel posted:

Oh no, I'm just saying that if you're going to make up a bullshit sex story, shouldn't it be one where your penis isn't crushed?

I see. I assumed that that part was real and he really wanted her to (literally) impale herself with his dick
e: Let me rephrase that, I assumed that the person who made this actually wants this to happen. I don't believe this conversation would ever take place.

Good lord dude go get laid.

# ? Dec 13, 2015 04:24

Kevin DuBrow: Apr 21, 2012; The uruk-hai defender has logged on.

kimbo305 posted:

If only after the video cuts, everyone clapped:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmI-hGthrwA

I've had nightmares like this.

# ? Dec 13, 2015 06:11

hyperhazard: Dec 4, 2011; I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

reformed bad troll posted:

From the "good/bad customers in retail" thread

The real stdh is that there are good customers in retail.

# ? Dec 13, 2015 06:50

jodai: Mar 2, 2010; Banging with all due hardness.

hyperhazard posted:

The real stdh is that there are good customers in retail.

Check again sucka!

Although that is one time in 10+ years of retail...

# ? Dec 13, 2015 06:59

Samizdata: May 14, 2007

Khazar-khum posted:

If you want to do that, you'd better work retail.

Could be a cool teacher too, you know.

# ? Dec 13, 2015 08:46

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# ? May 27, 2024 05:44

twerking on the railroad: Jun 23, 2007; Get on my level

http://theconsentcrew.org/2015/12/12/youre-hurting-her-a-story-of-consent-in-the-santa-line/

quote:

This story was shared by a friend, and is about his seven year old son, Sage, and is shared with their enthusiastic consent.
We had wanted to use a photo of Sage with Santa to accompany this sharing, but as the young gentleman pointed out, we didn�t have Santa�s consent to share his image. Sage would also like you to know that he does not hit people often, and does not approve of violence.

So, my son and I are at the mall, waiting for pictures with Santa. He starts chatting with a boy, and discovers they�re the same age. The boy is a bit obnoxious, so my son decides to play with the toddler behind us, instead. I will hereafter refer to the kid in front as �OB.�

The line moves at the usual snail�s pace. I hear �Hey!� and turn to see a young girl giving OB a glare. �What?� he says. �I said �hi� and you were ignoring me. That�s -rude-.� My son also turns and looks.
Line moves a bit more. OB takes to yanking on the girl�s braid. �Scotty,� says his mom, indulgently, �that�s not nice.� He grins at her. I assume, at this point, that the girl is his sister, as her mom is nowhere to be found.
He does it again. Cycle repeats. -Then- the girl�s mom comes over from where she was chatting with her friends. And the boy does it again.Santa lineup

�Scottyyyyyy,� his mom says, looking amused. �That�s not a nice way to get her attention.� She leans into the other mom a bit and says, �I think he likes her.� The other mom smiles back, with that �Gosh, ain�t young love grand?� expression. The girl looks flustered, but not terribly hurt.

I look down to see my son looking up at me with a baffled expression on his face. I resolve, at that point, to intervene if he does it again.

He does it again. I�m trying to figure out something to say as the mom �Scottyyyyy�s again. Then my son says, �Stop that!� Everybody looks at him. �You�re hurting her!�

�Oh, sweetie,� the boy�s mom says, �he just likes her. He thinks she�s pretty. Don�t you think girls are pretty?�

I decide to let him handle it.

My son scowls enormously at the mom. �What does her being pretty have to do with hurting her?� �Oh, he�s not really hurting her. He�s just trying to get her attention.� The girl�s mom is nodding in agreement. �Don�t worry, she�s fine.� The girl�s expression is the very image of exasperation.
And OB does it again. �OW! Stop it!� the girl finally snaps. �That hurt!�

My son steps forward, spins the other kid around by his shoulder, and punches him hard enough in the gut to drop him to his knees. �Oh my god! Scotty!� his mom yelps. �What do you think you�re doing?!� she yells at my son.

He looks up at her. Shrugs. And says, �I think he�s pretty. I just wanted to get his attention.�

The mom glares at me while she collects OB off the ground and pulls him out of line. �Aren�t you going to say something?� she yells at me.
I nod. Put my hand on my son�s shoulder. Look at him meaningfully. �Well-played, sir,� I say. He beams at me. �You PRICK!� OB�s mom shouts. My son looks shocked. �-Language-!� he says to her. They storm off.

My son turns to the girl, looks her up and down, and says, �You -are- very pretty. I�m sorry I let that boy pull your hair. That was not okay. He needs to learn about consent. It�s a thing.�

They spend the rest of the line-up chatting about consent while her mother looks embarrassed and confused.

My son gets to Santa. Santa asks him if he�s been good. �Weeeeellllllll,� he says, �I just punched a kid who wouldn�t stop pulling this girl�s hair.� Santa looks at me. I nod. Santa considers. �I�d say you�ve been -very good-, then.� He gives him an extra candy cane.

And that's because Santa Claus... was actually a Marine.

# ? Dec 13, 2015 17:22

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: TRUE WISDOM FROM WHERE YOU EXPECT IT LEAST. AMEN!

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